All language subtitles for Crazy.Ex-Girlfriend.S01E16.Joshs.Sister.Is.Getting.Married!.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.Rus.Eng_TeamHD_track5_[eng]

Previously on
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Oh-oh!

Whatever happened
with you and your ex?

Ex?

Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.

Do you love her?
No.

You forgive me?

Of course, I forgive you, Joshy.

Love doesn't work out
for me, ever.

DR. AKOPIAN:
So you are unhappy.

Yeah. Duh.

DR. AKOPIAN:
Maybe it's time you see
what else is in your life,

besides Josh Chan.

Oh, my gosh,
you have changed my life,

Dr. Dream Ghost Akopian.

You made me see past

all of my delusions
that were holding me back.

Josh, you don't understand?

You don't see what this has

all been about for Rebecca?

JOSH:
Rebecca,

are you in love with me?

* I was working hard
at a New York job *

* Making dough
but it made me blue *

* One day I was crying a lot

* And so I decided to move

* To West Covina, California

* Brand-new pals
and new career *

* It happens to be
where Josh lives *

* But that's not why I'm here

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *
What? No, I'm not.

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *

That's a sexist term.

* She's the crazy
ex-girlfriend *

Can you guys stop singing
for just a second?

* She's so broken inside *

The situation's a lot more
nuanced than that.

* C-R-A-Z-Y *

Okay! We get it!

* Crazy ex-girlfriend. *

Why do you have
all these photos?

Yep, okay,
so here's what happened.

I had... have...

...had feelings for you,
indeed, yes.

God, this is awkward, um,

I came here to tell you
that Valencia...

Valencia and you
are staying together.

No-- I-I-I I gathered.
Yeah.

I get it and that
makes sense, yeah.

Josh, I'm actually
very glad you're here,

because, um, I realized
some things on my recent trip.

And, um, one of
the things I realized

is that I need
to break my old patterns.

Okay.

Yes, uh, starting with...

(sighs) I've been horrible to
Valencia, like, really horrible,

and I really want
to reach out to her.

I really wouldn't.
I really
think I should.

She really hates your guts.
Understandable,

and I will just
have to transcend that.

I am trying to break free of
anything unhealthy or damaging.

So, um, that starts with,
uh, trashing these.

Unless you want them.

(both laugh)
No, no, that's okay.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Although, um, you know,
some of those are great angles

that you can't get with
a selfie, so, uh...

Sure, yeah, yes.
Yeah.

Thanks.

Okay, well, there it is.

That's the last
of the Josh Chan stuff.

There was stuff?

No.

Well, I guess I should go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, get out.

Get out of here.
(laughs)
Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Josh.

(sighing)

Can I get another beer?
I'm trying to study.

Studying and drinking
at the same time: good decision.

I know, right?

It's easy.
It's extension school.

I-I don't like to tell
a lot of people this,

but I got into
Emory business school.

It's a pretty good school.

They call it like
the Harvard of the South.

I thought the Harvard
of the South was Vanderbilt.

No. No. No.

Yeah, so I got into school,
and then my dad got sick,

so now I'm working my way
through school here.

You know? I can't be slinging

drinks to losers until
I'm like 60 years old.

(scoffs)

Oh, boy, look at this.
Just what I need.

Hi.
Hey.

I thought you drank
at Home Base.

I drink anywhere,
but I do my study-drinking here.

Got it.

Can I pull up a
stool next to you,

or do you want to be alone?

I could go home and
drink some mouthwash.

Mouthwash, wow.

That's almost as sad
as a girl coming to

a strange bar by herself.

Sad says the man
with an open textbook

next to an open container.

This is fun. I like this.

Do you want to hang out for
a while and insult each other?

Ah, what would your girlfriend
think about that?

Um, Heather?
Uh, yeah, no, we're donezo.

(blows raspberry)

Oh, wow. I had no idea.

Can I get you a drink?

Nothing goes better with a
fine lager than a little snark.

Wait. Go back to
the Heather thing.

Are you okay?
Let's-let-let's talk.

Talk is not on the bar menu,

but we could ask.

Okay, so, yeah,
here's the thing.

Old me would have
been totally down

for, like, an
old-fashioned barb fest,

but I've decided recently

that I'm trying to
change my patterns.

So I'm gonna go.

No, come on. Come on.

I'm a glutton for punishment.

Stay.

Let's do this.

We can make bad
decisions together.

We could run in traffic.

No? Okay.

Boy, she really digs you.

She's in love with someone else,

but I figure ten, 11 years
of me trying,

I'm a lock.

Okay, what is happening?

Why are you throwing out
all this Josh stuff?

I told you, I've gone
cold turkey on the Chan.

I'm done. It's not good for me,
and you know that.

D-- oh, G-- you have
to keep the macaroni portrait.

That took two weeks.

No, no, Paula, I'm breaking
my old patterns.

Break old pat-- I--
what does that even mean?

Did you go to a
bumper sticker store?

No, I just realized a lot of
things on my trip to New York,

while I was in a
bumper sticker store.

Okay, but you're right
about this, actually,

it has a lot of dry goods on it,

it actually could be useful
for my earthquake kit,

so I will keep this.
That's my girl.

But everything else
goes in the trash.

Hmm, hmm.
Oh, come on.

(gasps)
Not Channy bear. I forbid it.

Fine, maybe I'll just
put Channy bear

on a high shelf in case
of a bearmergency.

But the rest of
this is going, bye.

Oh, come on...
Bye, letters to Josh.

First drafts,
second drafts.

In the trash.
No.

Yep.
That's...

That's insanity.
Nope. Nope.

Good-bye, Josh thong

that I never wo--
I don't wear thongs.

Why did I even get this?

You have finally lost it.

You have left the reservation
and I-I can't... I'm not...

I can't watch it.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I'm not supporting this.
No, uh-uh.

Hey... I'm so nervous,
aren't you?

That last test...
(groans)

Was pretty easy,
at least for me.

Wow, that's impressive.

You must be smart.

Yeah, well.

I-I don't like to tell
people this, but, um...

Oh, you don't have to tell me
something you don't like to...

I got into the
Harvard of the South.

Emory? You know it?

Emory?

The Harvard of the South
is Duke.

No. No, no.
Emory. Google it.

PROFESSOR:
So, everyone,

overall there were
some nice efforts,

but, uh, some of you,
I'm sad to say, fell short.

I'm really not sure
what rubric you're using

to grade these, but...

Doesn't take much
of a rubric to see

that you didn't put in
much of an effort here.

Oh, well, you know,
I work full-time.

My dad is sick.

I work two jobs
and my husband is dead.

I am very sorry to hear that,

but I was not involved.

Your next assignment
is an essay due Friday.

You can do better,
Mr. Serrano.

You got into the
Harvard of the South, after all,

which you somehow managed
to mention on your test.

A multiple choice test.

So, you're busting my balls

about an intro class
at an extension school?

Cool, yeah. Makes sense.

Look, I don't know you very
well, but from where I stand,

it seems like you've made the
choice not to try or something.

Oh, please, don't you
worry about my decisions.

I will decide
about my decisions.

(mocking the teacher):
Choosing not to try, Greg.

You got into Emory, Greg.

I mean, duh,
I could have done better.

I could have gotten an "A"
on that test if I'd wanted to.

* Whoop-de-frickin'-do, an "A"

* What's an "A"?
It's just a letter on a page *

* Meant to distract us
from the pain *

* But it's not like any "A" can
make a difference in the day *

* Sure, I could get an "A"
if I wanted to get an "A" *

* But who cares about an "A"?

* I don't

* I don't care

* Although I could
have made that grade *

* If I did care

* But I don't

* But I could if I wanted to

* Whoop-de-frickin'-do

* Look at this guy in the red
and blue striped tie *

* Making millions till he dies

* Selling bonds and stocks
to other guys in ties *

* Who have millions
with which to buy *

* A bunch of bonds
and stocks and ties *

* I'd rather die

* Which I will eventually,
of course *

* But in the meantime

* I could make millions selling
stocks and bonds and ties *

* If I tried

* But I don't

* But I could, but I don't

* But I could if I wanted to

* Yeah

* Yeah, I could if I wanted to

* Who cares?

* Whoop-de-frickin'-do

* A happy dad

* With his big dad calves

* And his stupid baseball cap

* And his T-ball shirt

* And dumb-ass son
throwing a ball *

* Like it's so important
to know how to throw a ball *

* Whoop-de-frickin'-do

* Who cares about
throwing a ball *

* Or having a kid

* It'll get you
nowhere in life *

* Not like getting
anywhere matters *

* Although I guess it does
if you care *

* Which I don't

* But I could, but I don't

* But I could if I wanted to

* Yeah

* Whoop-de-frickin'-do
if I wanted to *

* This song sucks

* I could make it good
if I wanted to *

* Yeah

* Yeah, I could
if I wanted to. *

I could do that
if I wanted to.

You're an idiot.

(sighs)

Oh, my God, this is nuts.

Okay, you can't give up
on Josh right now.

You are so close.

Paula, he picked Valencia.

Like, in front of my face.

Game over.

What? No.

Game has just begun.

Okay, you have antibodies
to his saliva.

You cannot give up.
You have traction.

He-he touched the side
of your boob, I saw it.

(doorbell rings)

Can you get whoever that...
Yeah, I will get that.

And... just... let's continue
the convo later, okay?

And if it's the people across
the street from that church,

just tell them I don't believe
and will never believe.

Rebecca.

Hello, everyone
in Josh's family.

Hi.
Oh, my gosh.

I haven't seen you since
the last book club.

(squeals)
I haven't seen you got engaged.

How does it feel?

It feels like I've
been waiting seven years

for Phillip to propose,
because I have.

(laughing)

Let me see the rock.

Oh, my gosh, I mean,

Phillip said he was going
for it, but... (whistles)

He said you were
so helpful getting it.

Oh, it was no problem at all.

I helped my client, Moshe,

through a very complicated
subdivision deal,

and he said he could hook me up

with non-blood diamonds
at a discount.

And never pass up
a good discount, right?

I know what you're thinking--
like, diamonds, discounts,

those are some like classic
Jew moves, you know?

What are you doing here?

Jayma has something to ask you.

Look, I know that
this is sudden,

and we haven't known
each other that long--

God, I feel like I'm
proposing or something.

You've been such
a good friend to the family.

You wrote Jastenity that letter
to get into Harvard.

Unfortunately the letter
was better than her application,

but she did get
into Cal State Northridge,

which is the
Harvard of Northridge.

Yeah, it is.

There we go.

Anyway, what I'm
trying to say is,

how would you like to be
a bridesmaid at my wedding?

PAULA:
You mean,

be an official part
of the Chan fam-bam?

She'd love to.

You want me to be
a bridesmaid.

Aw, you're such a lovely girl,
Rebecca.

We would be so honored
if you would

become a part
of our family wedding.

And you are the perfect height

to pair with
Phillip's friend, Daniel,

who stopped growing
after being a kid gymnast.

Um, actually,

I-I don't know
if I should.

Oh.
PAULA: Okay, hey,
why don't we just...?

O-One second, Chan ladies.

Come here. One...

One-one second.

Okay, this would
kill Valencia.

Dead. Down in the ground.

Like a bug.
Legs in the air.

Now she's a ghost, boo.

Okay, but, Paula,
what have I been saying?

I need to disengage and
disentangle from dis family.

Know what I'm saying?

Seriously, I-I want
to make amends to Valencia,

and this is like
the opposite of that.

Yeah, okay, well, who says
no to being a bridesmaid?

You can't do that.

I mean, who does that?
Monster people.

I have a question.
No.

Is Valencia a bridesmaid?

Uh, not exactly.

By that she means no.

Like, ew, no.

Here's the thing,
I-I'd love to be a bridesmaid,

but I don't think
it would be fair

for me to be a bridesmaid
and for Valencia not to be.

I guess you're right.

And Josh has asked for Valencia

to be a bridesmaid
about 50 times, so...

Great, so you get what
I'm trying to say.

So you can both be
in the wedding.

Sorry, what's that?

Pardonnez-moi?

You and Valencia
can both be bridesmaids.

That way you don't have to worry
about her not being included.

Very wise, Jayma.

It's settled, then.

Yeah, it is!
(all laughing)

(laughing):
H-H-Hey.

I know you, from Spider's.

You were the sourpuss

fighting with the girl
in the shiny dress.

Hey, I'm, I'm not a sourpuss.

I'm pensive and deep.

Are you dusting potatoes?

I like to look busy.

Well, you're out of dark roast.

I can't study
without dark roast.

Could you get on that?

Oh, yeah, sure,
uh, no problemo.

Thanks.

Hi.

She's cute.

Are we being pleasant now?

Sorry, I don't
know your rules.

So, you two an item?

Me and Ally?
Oh, I wish.

She quit her job

as a manager at a Whole Foods,
came to work here.

I could not figure out why
for the longest time.

And then I realized...

GREG:
Hey, I know that guy.

* Grocery clerk
with half an eyelid. *

His name is Brody.

I can't compete with him.

He has the flattop
of a Greek god.

This! (both laugh)

Whoa, you are so
good at magic.

How do you do it?

Uh-uh-uh. A true magician
never reveals his secrets.

Come on, Brody.

So you like her.

Yeah.

I don't have a shot.

I mean, look at her.

I should give up.

I know that's the
right decision.

Are you sure she
doesn't like you?

Watch this.

Ally.

Ally.

Ally, though.

That's my type, too.

Ally.

(hisses)

Oh, that's so hot.

Okay, bro, I gotcha.

I know exactly what
you need to do.

So, you and Valencia
are friends?

Uh, kinda.

I'd say we share a history
of common interests.

Of course, she's late.

She's the kind of person that
has to make an entrance.

You know what?
I don't think that's fair.

I wouldn't stereotype her
as someone that...

Oh, sorry I'm late.

I just had some pictures taken

for my Hometown Hotties
submission to Maxim.

Ugh.

We ready to try on some dresses?

Jas, come on.

Let's go pick out the
first round of dresses.

(whispering):
This is beautiful.

Hey.
Whoa!

Hey, Valencia, hi, oh,

uh, this is going to be so fun.

Are you ready to be, like,
bridesmaid buddies?

I want to make myself
very, very clear.

Okay.

I know what happened.

I know about the kiss.

And if it were
any other situation,

I would take off my earrings,
my extensions, and my wings,

and curb-stomp you.

Got it, that's fair.

But, for some reason,
you're the one

that got me into
this wedding party.

Josh told me it was all you.

He did?
Yep. I mean,

I don't know why you did it,
but I don't care.

Just stay out of my way

and don't make me
look bad to these people.

Hey, Valencia,
I can do better than that.

I can make you look good.

Yeah, yeah, like,
by the end of this,

they're going to want
to adopt you.

But maybe that's not, like,
precisely what you want, but...

Oh, just shut up.

Okay.

How about this?

This seems like a style

that would work
on everyone.
Well,

most of us.

Valencia's right.

Uh, you know,
uh, two-piece,

halter, mesh dress might work
well for you very lean ladies,

but, yeah, not for this
festival of back fat going on.

(laughing)

Okay, well,

what about this?

Oh, my God.

Those are such
beautiful nipple covers.

Yeah, those would
definitely cover

most of my nipples.

Yeah, guys, let me remind you,

I eat bagels at night--
Valencia knows.

She knows all about
my night bagels-- tell 'em, V.

Here's what you didn't know.

For my midnight bagel,

I eat it with butter,
cream cheese, and...

bacon.
(all laugh)

Seriously. S-R-S-L-Y.

Like, true story.

Okay, so why don't we

try different styles
in the same color?

That's a great idea.
That's so ni...

You know what?
I'm gonna go out on a limb

and say that's, like,
really gracious.

It is, actually, a,

a good idea.

That's the plan.

So you kids can go crazy

with your halters and your
sheaths and your cutouts,

and I will wear a dress fit
to upholster a chair.

And I will wear it with pride.

Rebecca, come on.

Yeah, you're not that
disgustingly fat.

Aw, thank you, Valencia.

Thank you.

(laughter)

(startled yell)

Paula.

What have we said
about standing places,

quietly waiting for people?

I forgot.

Okay, so how did it go with
Valencia at the dress shop?

Did you find any weaknesses?

I was thinking that we could
use your role as bridesmaid

to really mess her up.

My first thought was
poison oak in the dress.

Rashy nips, instant classic.
Paula.

What?
We're not doing
any of that.

We're not.
No.

We're just acting
like normal people.

I'm going to be like
any other teenage

ex-boyfriend's sister's
last-minute bridesmaid.

Yeah, so just be cool.

Understood.
I have my orders.

Where can a person
buy poison oak,

and what is the rashiest kind?

(phone dings)

FEMALE VOICE:
Richard Kind is
a 59-year-old actor,

best known for his role
in Spin City.

No. Poison oak, rashiest kind.

(phone dings)

Jim Rash is the award-winning
writer of The Descendants.

Come on.

You're sure this
is a good idea?

Dude, she doesn't like you.

She's shown no interest.

She's way into someone else.

Why give up now?

This is the right move.

Um, can I have
everyone's attention, please?

Hey! Hey!

Hey, someone's trying
to let it rip here.

Thank you, Greg.

You're welcome.

(clears throat)

This goes out to a young lady

currently restocking
feminine products.

It's called
"Clean Up on Aisle 4."

Not an actual cleanup, Rick.

* Clean up my heart on Aisle 4

* 'Cause that's where it lays
in a heap of green olives *

* From the olive bar

(mouthing)
* 'Cause I'm the
pimento to your olive *

* I want to be inside of you

* But instead my heart
is on the floor *

* Being crushed like

* The garlic we sell
by the door. *

(whispering):
Oh, my God,
it's working.

Look out, everybody,
it's my body!

(applauding)

Whee! Teach me, teach me!

Uh-uh, it's too hard.

You didn't tell me
he was a gymnast.

He can do anything.

(phone chimes)

Eh, can we get back to work,
or am I boring you?

I am so sor...
I'm sor... it's a...

it's a bridesmaid text chain.

It's about... it's about
the word "cummerbund."

It's... it's a funny word.

Sorry. Let's get
back to the case.

The case? Who cares
about the case?

When are you getting
the bridesmaid gowns?

'Cause I got a guy in Maine

who's going to send me some
primo itchy, sticky plants.

And he said he was going to
throw in a couple deer ticks

for, you know, a little extra...

Um, what are you talking about?

Our plan: rashy nips.

Oh.
I say

we roll the dice for, you know,

some possible Lyme disease.

I have so much to say...
(phone chimes)

Hold on one second.

Oh, oh, it's from Jayma.

It says emergency.
SOS. 411.

She means 911.

I wonder if Phillip
got cold feet.

I have to go.

What?
I have to go,
I'm sorry.

What about our plan?

There's no plan.

Ugh.

The dance we do.

Hey, what's
the emergency?
I don't know, do you?

Guys.

There's something
I need to tell you.

And it won't be easy.

My dress is done early,
and I brought champagne!

(all screaming)

(cork pops)
(whooping)

Oh, man.
Wow.

ALL:
Cheers!

Cheers.
Cheers.

Valencia's so funny.

Oh, Valencia, tell them about
the part with the old lady.

Yeah, so, this 90-year-old lady
was in downward dog,

and I said to her,
"Okay, just breathe into it."

And she said,

"If I breathe into it
any harder, I'm gonna toot."

(laughing)

Oh, she's so funny.

She has a million
yoga stories like these.

They're great.

Well, I've been
practicing my humor.

I watched an online tutorial.

This was so much fun, you guys.

When Joshy and I get married,

I want all of you
to be in the wedding.

Except for you.

I mean, would it kill you
to say something?

JASTENITY:
She's not wrong, Ruby.

You're a dud.

Ah, man, I am tipsy.

This was so fun.

Oh, Jas, we got to go meet
mom at the cake-tasting.

Can you guys stay and make sure

the dress gets
packed away perfectly?

Like no wrinkles or bubbles.

Absolutely. We're on it.

Valencia and I got this.

Yep, we got it.

Thanks, V.

You know, we all thought
you were heinous,

but you're kind of okay.

(laughs)

All right, bye, ladies.
Bye, Jayma.

Drink a glass of water.

Wow.

(door bell jingles)

They don't think
I'm heinous anymore.

Jastenity even offered
me a half stick of gum.

I said no because I
bloat, but still...
Congrats.

Well, I guess we should, um,

get the girls to pack up
this big-ass dress.

Yeah, okay.

Hmm, wow.

Wow, this would look even worse
on me than some of the others.

Oh, come on, stop.

I mean, you make jokes
about your body,

and they're pretty funny
and mostly accurate,

but with your big boobs,
that dress would look great.

Are you kidding? No.

I'd be spilling
out of this thing,

and not like in a
sexy, on purpose,

Christina Hendricks
type of way.

So? Guys don't care.

Guys love big boobs like yours.

I mean, sometimes
I hate my small boobs.

I mean, I thought
about getting implants.

What? No, don't do that.

Oh, my gosh,
Valencia, if you knew

what went into having
a pair of monsters like these,

you would never think
about getting them again.

I'm gonna show you.

(gasps)
Rebecca, you can't.

Valencia,
once I put this dress on,

you will never envy
these puppies again.

Get ready.

(groans)

(gasps)

Ugh.

(gasps)
Mm-hmm.

There... yep.

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Dense like dying stars,
I got them *

* Heavy boobs, heavy boobs

* I can't run real far

* Let me break down
what I just said *

* Each of my double Ds

* Has the volume
of a toddler's head *

* Not bitchin'
'bout my boobies *

* They look super fly
in shirts *

* But if I swung them
in your face *

* You'd be like,
oh, my God, that hurts *

* I'm blind, holy crap

* I literally can't see

* I have
permanent retinal damage *

* I'm suing you
and your heavy boobies *

* Heavy boobs, heavy boobs,
dense like dying stars *

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* They each have
their own memoirs *

* What you gotta know is that

* Boobs may be where it's at

* But if you cut them open

* They're just sacks
of yellow fat *

* Stuff falls into my bra

* It's a little bit of a drag

* But when I go to bed
at night *

* It's like opening
a Mary Poppins bag *

DANCERS:
Whee, candy and pennies!

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Dense like dying stars

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Don't need an air bag
in my car *

* Here is a list
of all of the objects *

* That I can hold
under my boobs *

* Stapler, ten pencils

* Paperback copy
of Arabian Nights *

* Dog bone, remote control

* Hardback copy
of Wuthering Heights *

See, when a star is dying,
it transforms into a red giant.

And if the red giant does not
have enough mass to fuse carbon,

an inert mass of carbon and
oxygen builds up in the center,

transforming into
a dense white dwarf.

And yeah, like, that's my boobs.

That's... that's what
my boobs are like.

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Dense like a white dwarf

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* They'd be a catch
at Fisherman's Wharf *

* I got them heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Don't ever forget that

* These heavy boobs,
heavy boobs *

* Are just sacks of yellow fat

* Like the stuffing of a couch

* They're just sacks
of yellow fat *

* Technically meant
to feed a baby *

* They're just sacks
of yellow fat. *

Wow.

I had no idea.

No wonder my boobs are so small.

I have no fat on my body.

See?

Exactly. Problem solved.

Now, you try on the dress.

Yes.

Let's see how it looks

with some nice B-cup
action in there.

No. I couldn't.

Wow.

Oh, my.

Valencia, you're going to make
a really beautiful bride.

Josh is really lucky.

I hope.

I hope some day it is
Josh and me, I really do.

It will be.

And I'm so sorry if I did
anything to delay that dream.

I appreciate you saying that.

Do you mind taking
a picture of me?

Just for me.

I want to remember how I looked.

Of course.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, I got nothing
to work with here.

I mean, I've already hacked
into Valencia's e-mails

and her texts.

Ooh, wait a minute, what's this?

A photo stream?

Oh, again. You with the face.

What do you mean, how did I get
Valencia's password?

You know me.

Okay.

Let's see what we've got here.

Valencia's photos... chocolate
cake... fried chicken...

Spaghetti with meatballs.

Oh, she just likes
to look at food.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute, what is this?

(gasps)
I think that's
Jayma's wedding gown.

Oh!

You know, I've...

I've prayed to God
my whole life,

and I, and I never knew
if she was listening,

but...
(sighs)

thank you, Big Mama.

(laughs)

Uh, no wrinkles.

Yeah, or bubbles.
Thank you.

(phone chimes)

We got this.

It says I have a new
like on a photo.

I-I didn't take a photo,
what is this?
Hmm.

(both gasp)
(door bell jingles)

Hey!

You ruined my wedding.

Yeah, bitch.

How could you?
What's wrong with you?

#HotterThanTheBride?

I-I-I didn't do anything.

I didn't post a photo.

And my hashtags
are always positive.

Like, #GirlBoss

or #Fitspo.

Someone must be
framing me or something.

What kind of psycho
with no life

would do such a thing?

Oh, God, Paula.

You must have done it.

When I went to the bathroom.

This is why women

don't go to the bathroom alone.

Excuse me, miss, I have
a bone to pick with you.

I'm sorry, sir.

Can I help you?

Yes, you can.
By helping yourself.

Stop chasing after the
cartwheeling magician idiot boy,

and start paying
attention to the guy

with the bountiful,
beautiful hair,

who happens to
really care about you.

(laughing):
Oh, you're friends with Marty.

I prefer mentor.

Ah, well, I've already told him

I'm not interested.

Him continuing to chase after me
is a terrible decision,

which makes me respect
him even less.

I mean, maybe if he backed off

and let me come to him,

maybe I would think about it.

Otherwise,
can you tell him to stop

with the songs and the texts
and the skywriting?

Okay.

What did you skywrite?

Lyrics to the song.

Cost a fortune.

Oh, and it was so windy.

I basically paid for a cloud.

So what's next, coach?

What do I do?

What's my next move?

I don't know.

I kind of think we do nothing.

I like that.

Like for a day?
We slow-playing?

No.

I actually think forever.

I think we got
to call this one.

Go back to dusting potatoes.

You laugh, but who likes
a dusty potato?

Marty, Ally's right.

Chasing someone who isn't
into you is a terrible move.

Trust me, I feel you.

I've been there.

You mean you and Rebecca Bunch.

Your friends come in here
all the time talking about it.

God, I hate my friends.

Yeah, Marty, that's right.

I did that with Rebecca.

But watching you do it,

I see what a bad call it was.

Actually, I'm realizing,

I make a lot of bad
calls in everything.

Yeah, me, too.

And I think we're the same.

I mean, I work here
in a grocery store,

even though I went
to Harvard.

The Harvard of what?

Just Harvard.
In Boston.

Wow, yeah, God.

Your decisions are
just the worst.

Look, I already deleted it,
so don't worry.

And we only got one like
and it was from...

OMG, it's from
Maxim's Hometown Hotties.

Sorry. I'm telling you,

it was Rebecca.

She's been Single White Femaling
me since she got here.

Valencia...

You take one step closer,

and I'm getting
a restraining order,

Jennifer Jason Leigh.

What I was going to say
was, um...

You were right.

Yep, it was me.

(gasps)
Yeah.

It was my idea for Valencia
to put on the wedding dress,

and then when I saw her in it,
I-I got jealous.

And so I, uh, I stole her phone
and I posted the picture.

I'm sorry.

I don't believe you.

Only someone crazy
and sad would do that.

Um, yeah,

and I'm both those things,

so I'm, um, I'm sorry.

Valencia,

I'm sorry we accused you.

Rebecca, you should go.

Yep.

Good-bye, Chans.

(women murmuring)

(door opens, bell jingles)

Before you start,

you don't have to buy me
champagne or a fur coat;

just a simple thank you
will suffice.

Paula.

Valencia's password was so easy.

Valencia1.

I mean, come on.

Paula!

Just get in my office.

I told you not to do anything.

Wait, what?

I mean, why didn't
you listen to me?

Oh, my God, why didn't
I listen to you?

Because if I listen to you,

nothing would
ever happen with Josh.

No Thanksgiving, no camp.

No kiss.

You, you didn't do
all that by yourself.

And every time you said,
"No, Paula, don't do anything."

And then I did anyway,
and you were happy.

Wow, yeah, you're right.

Okay, that's the way
it used to be,

but it's not like
that anymore, okay?

No.

Paula, listen to me.

I'm done with Josh.

Oh, come on, I saw you.

You can't even throw away
the macaroni portrait.

I threw it away.
Everything's gone.
Even Channy bear.

Yeah. Channy bear sleeps
with the fishes.

Nope. I can't give up on Josh.

He's not yours to give up on.

Why are you so hung up on this?

It's for you.
It-It's to make you happy.

No, it's not,
because I just told...

It's because...

if we're not chasing Josh,

then you're not going to want
to hang out with me anymore.

I know it.

What? No. Paula, no.

That's not true.

Yes. Yes, it is.

He's our glue.

He's what holds us
together, and...

I've barely seen you
this week at all.

Paula, I love you.

Okay, you know that.

But we have to stop.

It's not good for me.

You and I will always be
friends, okay, I promise.

But we don't need Josh Chan.

Because I don't need him.

Okay?

Okay.

Hey.

(sighing)

Hey, hi.

I'm sorry, I, um,
I needed somewhere to drink,

and I thought,
I thought you'd be at school.

You're here.

What'll it be?

It's last call.

Um,

I guess, I don't know,
I'll take some alcohol.

Do you know any alcohol names?

Yes.

I will take a peach
schnapps on the rocks?

No, never mind.

Never order drinks again.

I'll make you something.

That's a lot of
books you got there.

Yeah, I'm trying this really new
radical approach to studying--

it's called studying.

Wow. Is it working?

Really well.

This is perfect.

What is this?

It's this really exotic drink

called the gin and tonic.

Well, I've never heard
of a gin and tonic before,

but I think it's
gonna be really big.

I'm sending in the patent.
(laughs)

Hey, what are you doing
after this?

Do you want to, like, I don't
know, go to another bar,

get a drink, or hang out
at my place, or...

What happened?

Did you and Josh

get in a fight--
is that what's going on?

And you need
a shoulder to cry on?

So you come to Greg,
'cause that's what I do.

No, that's not what this is.
Rebecca,

I would really love
to hang out with you,

I would, but I know what
that leads to for me.

And I can't.

I can't be in second place
again with you.

Okay, um...

Great.

Um, good to know.

I'm... I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go.

(sighs)

(knocking at door)

Greg?

Oh, Josh, I thought you
were someone else, I...

What did you do? Y-Y-You hacked
into Valencia's phone?

Y-You said you were trying
to keep your distance from me,

a-and then you do this?

This is how you make
it up to Valencia?

Okay, Josh, it's a long story,
but all that matters is:

Valencia is now beloved
by your family

and I'm out of the
bridal party.
Yeah, but...

Josh, focus on your girlfriend
and on your family, okay?

And the next time you want
to come and talk to me,

don't just show up at my door.

Oh... okay.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Um, so could you go?

I-I-I have something
I need to do.

Are you kicking me out?

Lil' bit.

Bye, Josh.

(door opens and closes)

I'm sorry, Channy bear.

Hey, what's going on?

Hi.

You okay? What...

No, I c... I-I can't do this.

I-I can't eat a dusty potato.

Oh, God, is that
what I taste like?

I mean, I, I ate a,
an old French fry

off the floor of my car,
but I sh...

It's a metaphor.
Wa... you did what?

It doesn't matter.

No, good God, stop, woman.

Greg, listen to me.

This isn't about
anyone else but you.

Okay?

You're not second choice.

I promise.

Listen, if this
is going to happen,

you need to know
something.
Okay.

This isn't going to be like a
roll in the hay and you go home.

This is going to be
like three days

of you and me just
ruining each other.

And not emotionally.

Is that what you want?

When do we start?

*

I'm so glad we're
finally doing this.

Me, too.

I mean, there's so many girls
I could have brought here,

like a whole bunch,

but I chose you, Ashley.

It's Ally.
Don't care.

Can we have sex now? Yay.

Oh, my God.

You're an idiot.

And you're horrible.

Why do I always make the same
mistake over and over again?

I make terrible decisions.

I go for the
lowest form of man

because I'm afraid
to be with someone

I might actually connect with.

You know what?
Screw this.

I'm going back
to nursing school.

Wait, do you want me
to do another cartwheel?

I'm-I'm-I'm good at those.

Whatever.

She'll be back.

They always come back.

(slurping)

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