Original subtitles

I remember when I first started out, I

thought, um, all right, typical joke

goes, uh, something like, uh, this guy

goes into a bar. That's what they would

do, like in Vegas or something or say,

you know, I saw some people come in here

and they blah blah blah blah blah. And I

thought, I'm going to turn that around.

It's not going to be about anybody else

but me. I'm going to say, you know, I

walked into a bar the other day and that

little trick

started to create a character for me

because it was always about myself and

it was not I was not a vessel that was

transmitting comedy material about other

people. I became a character who had a

had a life and personality.

You know, I still remember um like one

of the first jokes I ever wrote for my

modernday act in the, you know, 60s or

70s

and my cat was walking across the floor.

And the joke was that ultimately became

this.

Oh, this is an interesting thing. I uh

gave my cat a bath the other day.

You know, I'd always heard you weren't

supposed to give cats baths, but my cat

came home and he was really dirty and I

decided to give him a bath and it was

great. If you have a cat, don't worry

about it. They love it. He sat there. He

enjoyed it. Uh it was fun for me, you

know, and uh the fur would stick to my

tongue, but other than that, you know,

Mitch Hedberg had a line, it always

makes me laugh. He said, "Um,

I used to do drugs.

Uh, I still do, but I used to do them,

too." And it was just had this great

twist on it. Both those um jokes rely on

a kind of

misuse of language or the the premise

that we already know what you're talking

when he said when he said, "Uh, I used

to do drugs."

We know exactly what he meant. He used

to and he stopped. That's what it means.

And and then when he completes it, well,

I still do. You realize, oh, I didn't

realize that that sentence can also not

mean he stopped. And the line about

which is not a great joke. I'm not

trying to to say it's a great joke about

giving my cat a bath. You the image that

comes in is with the cat in the sink

with soap and with water. And that image

is completely broken by the image of me

licking the cat.

I'm into language. That's kind of my

thing, I guess. You know, being a

professional comedian, you have to have

a knowledge of language. And that's uh

let's face it, some people have a way

with words. Other people,

not have way. I guess

there was a joke. Oh, yeah. I was going

to sit down and play something. I say I

don't really write protest songs, but um

I've admired the careers of Joan Bayz

and Bob Dylan. And so when this uh song

came to me, I thought this must be from

the heart. It's called Let's Keep the

Minimum Wage right where she's at.

Now, I'm not saying that's the funniest

joke in the world, but just the the

little slight twist,

that little unexpected thing. It could

be just a look, you know, it could be

your own facial response to the line you

just said.

It's it's got to be uh there has to be

as many varieties of jokes,

you know, as there are performers or

atoms in or like musical notes.

The study of fallacies is very

interesting I think for comedians

because it's about uh drawing false

conclusions which I do all the time in

my act you know for comedic elements

that's exactly what irony is is is

drawing a false conclusion saying the

opposite of what the the truth is. It's

it's as simple as saying, you know,

isn't this a beautiful nightclub? People

really respond to irony, I think. Uh,

socially, it's a way of saying

something. It's a such a soft way to say

something, you know, uh, my, he's

looking handsome.

And it's a it's just a kind of goes down

easier. And by the way, there's a virtue

in just saying it. If you can tell a

joke that is just funny on its own, but

also maybe has another level of meaning.

Like I always felt like

I'm being silly up here, but I'm being

ironically silly. that there's another

level like isn't it silly that we're

being silly

or isn't it funny that we're being

funny?

And um I think those little other levels

really help a show.

When I was in the 70s and we can call

it, you know, just for lack of a better

word kind of radical. I thought most

comedians they tell jokes

and and a joke is shaped like um here's

the setup

and here's the punchlines and then if

the audience thinks the punch line is

funny they laugh depending on how funny

it is or even if the punchline is not

funny

they still laugh a little bit just based

on timing and kind of rhythm

and I thought sometimes S that's real

laughing. But what about the kind of

laughing

I shared with my friends

where we're laughing so hard and we

don't know what we're laughing at. I

thought that's real laughter. I thought,

what if I could do an act and just take

out the punchlines?

Now that's it's a little different than

I'm describing. It sounds like I'm going

to do a setup and then have no

punchline.

But the the current theory of humor at

the time is that a joke created tension

and then the punchline would release the

tension.

So I thought, what if

I created tension

and never released it?

Then the audience

would have to at some point release its

own tension.

They would be finding something funny,

not me telling them what was funny,

but they would have to find it,

otherwise they're just going to be

filled with tension.

And so I started doing nonsensical

bits. I had one I said and now

this is so early in my comedy career

doesn't even sound funny to me now but

I'd say say it now by a great comedy bit

the nose on microphone routine and I

would lean in and I'd put my nose on the

microphone for a minute and go thank you

thank you thank you thank you and then I

bow extravagantly like was the the

greatest bit in the world and that's and

I had I had uh like

bits that were kind of absurd

and out of that developed

a kind of personality on stage.

I thought I started to realize that

I should come across as though I think

what I'm doing is hilarious

and

never acknowledge that it wasn't funny

or didn't get a laugh. Just keep going.

Like,

I'm great. You're just behind it.

I had a great experience when I was like

starting around 11, 12, 13. I was

working at Disneyland as a at multi-

jobs guide book salesman. But I got an

opportunity to see a comedian there. His

name was Wally Bogue and he worked at

the uh in Frontier Land at the Golden

Horse Shoe Review. He did four shows a

day, five shows a day,

but and I and it was free so I could get

in to see him. And he was the first

comedian I ever saw live. And actually,

I got one of my best bits from watching

him. He made balloon animals. So when I

started thinking of my um my own act,

and I thought I could make parody

balloon animals. This is a good maybe a

good lesson in in developing a bit. So,

I thought, okay, I have the idea for

balloon nose, but I'll do terrible

balloon animals. That'll be the premise.

I'm going to make terrible balloon

animals.

So, now, okay, I made a terrible

balloon. Now, what's the joke? And I

think I'd do the first one and I and I'd

have something that looked like nothing

and I'd go puppy dog. So, you get that

kind of laugh. Then you make another one

that looks like a, you know, spyroet or

something. I'd go venerial disease.

And then I added a joke and say uh I

says I can't remember how I got there

but I said this is this is this appears

on your lip and I'd hold the balloon so

you have this you know and you just keep

going until you've developed a routine.

Oh and then I got other jokes. I'd say

uh I'd talk to blow up the balloons and

I'd go and I'd never seen this before

and the balloon would go out and then I

wouldn't take my lips off. So it just go

and I'd do that two or three times and

oh I'm not blowing up the balloon and

just slowly slowly through the years

this little bit started to develop and

one of the major pieces of my act but it

all started with bad balloon animals.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll make a

compromise. I'll make balloon animals

but I won't blow them up.

Giraffe.

The Systeine Chapel.

I feel great.

She always fill up the balloons with

words and if they pop they go, "God damn

it.

the Hindenburg. All right.

Okay. And now it's time for fun balloon

animals. Here we go.

Puppy dog.

venerial disease.

If you see this on a toilet seat, don't

sit down

cuz they leap on you. They go, "Whoa!"

Oh no.

Sometimes, you know, I I've I've used

jokes that didn't work 20 years ago or

30 years ago and I remembered them

because I liked them. And

suddenly I found a way, oh, it's not a

stand-up joke. It goes in the play at

this point. It's something a line and

and it's in character. It doesn't stand

as a joke. It stands as the character's

line. And I remember what the joke was.

I I did it in my standup act. I said, "I

I like the pope." Uh, but to me, he's

always pontificating.

Now, to me, that was a joke on the word

pontificating because really only the

pope is the one person who can

pontificate. So, I always thought this

was funny. It was okay, you know, and I

try it every once in a while. It's still

just okay, but I managed to put it as a

an aside in the play and it's fine, you

know. And some people have said, "I

really like that pope thing." the first

time in 30 years that anybody said I

really like the pope thing. Uh it's not

a great line. I'm not defending it. I'm

just saying, you know, you'll be

surprised if you live as long as I do

that uh how much is retained, how much

you know is down there that's comes up

and you went, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I

remember this."

Something I picked up on uh when I first

started is that there were this this

this way you could keep going on

something until it got funny. Do it 10

times instead of you know one time.

That's one thing. But you have to be

very careful with that. Obviously takes

a you know a good person. David

Letterman could do it. He could he could

beat an idea to death and it would still

be funny.

I know we've only known each other for 4

weeks and 3 days, but to me it seems

like 9 weeks and 5 days.

The first day seemed like a week

and the second day seemed like 5 days

and the third day seemed like a week

again. Then the fourth day seemed like

eight days.

The fifth day you went to see your

mother and that seemed just like a day.

But then you came back and later on the

sixth day in the evening when we saw

each other that started seeming

like two days.

So in the evening it seemed like two

days spilling over into the next day and

that started seeming like four days. So

at the end of the sixth day on into the

seventh day, it seemed like a total of 5

days.

And the sixth day seemed like a week and

a half.

I have it written down, but I can I can

show it to you tomorrow if you want to

see it.