Original subtitles

You know, usually it's when I write

jokes now, it's for a situation and I,

you know, I have a kind of a accumulated

file of stuff that I can kind of go to

and think like one of my favorite

favorite bits. I can only use it every

once in a while though. I used it at uh

Paul Simon was getting the Kennedy

Center Award and turned into one of my

favorite jokes. that said, uh,

it would be easy.

We're at the Kennedy Center. There's the

president, there's, you know, big tuxes

and everything said it would be easy for

me to stand up here for the next few

minutes, talk about Paul Simon's

consumate skill as a songwriter and

musician,

but this seems to be neither the time

nor place.

And then I had another joke that I

liked. It was in the 90s and there was

this television show that was an award

show called the American Comedy Awards.

And there, by the way, there is no

American Comedy Awards. It's something a

producer made up, you know, so we could

put on a show and get paid and everybody

works for free. Mhm.

So, I thought

if I

if I do this and I'm getting an American

Comedy Award, I was a little kind of

depressed. It was like early 90s and I

should be really funny. How can I I'll

just really work on this and try to make

it really funny. So, my opening joke was

um

you know, when they called me to tell me

I had won the prize, the American Comedy

Awards,

I just walked around for weeks just

trying to care

and it was uh you know it but I realized

as much as I really like that joke, I

can't really use it in other situations

because the American Comedy Awards was

kind of a low class uh thing and other

awards are actually you know kind of

high class so you can't really criticize

the award you're getting. So in other

words I I can kind of piece meal things

together which I like to do. I I find

old things like I think that night I

said uh I have so many people to thank

uh for this. First of all, uh, my wife,

Ben,

and of course, my two lovely children,

Franc, and my Asian Ban. And I started

doing like a parody of thanking people.

And then u then, of course, at the end,

I said, I want to thank he who is above

us all, Ben Forin.

And then I thought it worked really

well. And then I uh I I thought, I'll

use it again at this other thing. It was

just okay. you know, and it might have

been, well, they were at tables. You

know, there's nothing worse than

performing people at round tables

eating. You know, half of them are

turned their back to you. So, you know,

it still happens. Like I I did this the

other day actually. I was supposed to

introduce Tom Hanks was getting an award

at the Museum of Modern Art uh for his

his film work and he said, "Would you

would you speak?" And I said, "Okay."

So, I thought, "Wait a The thing about

Tom Hanks is he's genuinely

a nice, interesting,

charming person. So, I have to say, I'm

going to say that he's a charming,

interesting. Then I thought, okay, what

if I had a huge list of his appealing

qualities that I would just keep

reiterating and I would get so bored

with it,

you know, and I so I just keep reading

and I'd like check the length of the

pages and then I'd order a wine. Can I

get a wine? Waiter come out and I think

blah blah blah. And then of course

naturally I has to turn to insults. I

can't remember what they were but got to

end with the insults.

Um so you know it was kind of fun

because the idea just came whole.

Yeah.

You know and sometimes you're just stuck

writing joke after joke after joke.

No banjo.

I saved that for really important

occasions.

Tom Hanks is kind.

He is generous.

He's funny. and he appreciates humor in

others.

He is cordial to and genuinely

interested in all people.

He's ry, has a wary eye for flattery,

yet appropriately humble.

He's loving, always puts his wife and

family first. He's fun to be with.

He's jocular.

He listens

also

thoughtful.

He's obviously talented, award-winning,

joyful,

full of life, exuberant. He's cultured.

He loves art and theater.

Could I get a drink?

He brings out the best in others. He's a

great collaborator. As an actor, there's

none better, both drama and comedy.

He's an accomplished writer and has been

published in The New Yorker.

He's a rackonour

one with cl Oh.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Is this a Chardonnay?

Yes. Yes.

Is there something else? Something out

better.

That's all we have in the white.

Okay. Thanks.

He has played heroes and actually is

one. The more you get to know him, the

more you like him.

He flies privately.

You would too if you had his ties to

Russia.

If you rub your cheek against his, it's

unpleasant.

He loves his wife, Rita Wilson, who is a

talented actress, singer, and composer.

Yet, he keeps trying to crush her down.

By the way, right now, he has his

Academy Awards on him.

I found this on.

Oh, thank you.

I like this better.

He has homes on both coasts.

In fact, he has a home on every coast.

In fact, the National Weather Service

will only call a place a coast if Tom

has a house on it.

He has an affectionate nickname on a

movie set. The camera will be ready, the

lights in place, and the director will

whisper, "Now someone go get dickhead."

I think when you start writing something

like that, you think, "What's it for?"

Okay, for Tom Hanks where Museum of

Modern Art, what's the circumstance?

It's a theater. It's not a It's not a

room with diners,

you know. So, they're they're a little

more focused. And you just start start

from there. Obviously, set the scene

inside your head. Imagine yourself

there. Um, you know, I was thinking try

to write a a minute on it and then try

it in front of a friend.

thinking about the Tom Hanks thing and

I'm and I've written this I've written

the the idea and I was surprised because

I thought I got a page and a half out of

this, you know, and uh

so I go down to rehearse it and they

think

I'm rehearsing. Oh, there's where the

podium is. There's the mic and this is

the lights and there here's this is the

sound right. But I'm

tricking them because I'm actually

rehearsing the piece to hear if they

laugh. You know, even just the stage

hands, you know, the people uh standing

around, I'm listening and and you learn

go, oh, that joke was questionable. I I

could just easily lose that. I didn't

hear anything. you kind of checking it

out, looking around, feeling even the

the crew's response. Um,

so

yeah, there is a way to uh to check your

material before you go on. Your mind is

clicking in and going, "Hey, that that

uh seemed to either

have a good effect or not have a bad

effect. Maybe I can exploit that. You

know what I do? I I just go up to my

wife if I have a thought and I say, "You

think this is funny?" And then I'll say

it or I'll call Marty Short. I'll say,

"You think this is funny?" Because, you

know, if I'm at that point where I say,

"Do you think this is funny?" That means

it could go either way, you know, and it

and you need you need an audience to

interpret it. I mean, I if I try

something on my wife or on a friend,

they don't even they think I'm being

casual. I say, "Hey, you think this is

funny?"

Uh, I'm actually

looking at every

expression on their face to see if it

was working or