Original subtitles

You may think

I I have I don't have any talent. I

guarantee you I had no talent.

None. I didn't know how I couldn't sing.

I couldn't dance. I couldn't act. I I

didn't know how to

think up jokes or tell jokes or do

anything. I just started doing it

because I I liked it and I I I can

remember my I accidentally got a job

writing for the Smothers Brothers Comedy

Hour. I know that sounds crazy, but uh I

was just in student doing my little

comedy act and I'd written some, you

know, creative writing nonsense stories

and I submitted them through a friend uh

and I got hired and I remember the

because they wanted young people. That

that was the the mantra, you know, uh uh

never trust anyone over 30. So, they

wanted young writers. And I just got

lucky lucky. And I remember the first

day, you know, uh Mason Williams, the

headwriter, came over and he's looking

at something and says, "Okay, now here

here's your punch line and I just you

circle it and then you draw this line

over here and you just put it at the

end."

I thought, "Oh, so that punch line goes

at the end." All right, got it. So uh

don't be intimidated starting with

nothing. In fact,

if you start with nothing, the

workaround can lead you to originality.

So the fact that I didn't dance didn't

stop me because I could fake dancing. I

could fake dancing and make it funny.

And I could fake singing and make it

funny if I had been a real singer, a

real dancer.

I'd be a real singer, a real dancer.

Now,

I realize a lot of you people are

sitting out there saying to yourselves,

"Steve, how can you be so [ __ ]

funny?" Well,

there's a gimmick. There's a gimmick to

it. I'll be honest with there's a

gimmick.

Before I come on stage, I put a slice of

baloney in each one of my shoes.

So, when I'm on stage, I feel funny. You

know what I mean?

People come to me, they say, "Steve, is

there some way I could be funny, too?"

I was thinking like, what are qualities

that qualify someone for show business?

And I thought, well, one of them was

when I was starting out, when you when

you see someone on stage or you see a

show, do you think I wish I was up

there?

Or if you're a writer and you watch a

movie and you say, I could have written

that. That's one thing. Another thing

is, are you an introvert? Because many

comedians I've talked to, with

exceptions, Martin Short certainly,

are start out as introverts. And this is

a way to

become something on stage and to get

attention. And it just means that

there's this well of subconscious that

you're suppressing because you're shy.

But on stage, you get to bring that out.

What is it? That's the big challenge.

What is that mysterious well inside you

that you can let out?

friend of mine wrote me

uh that I went to high school with and

said, "I want to I want to be a comedy

writer." And I said, "Well," he said,

and he actually said, "Uh, you know,

maybe just something on the Tonight

Show." I said, "Look, if you want to be

a comedian or writer, you have to move

where the comedy is." he was living in,

you know, Idaho, someplace like that. I

said, "You've got to be there. You've

got to be in that place where it's

done." I'd say, "Go where the action is.

If you want to be a comedian, go to New

York. Go to Los Angeles. Maybe Chicago,

definitely. Maybe Toronto." Um, but

you've got to be in the middle of it

because when somebody when it's your

turn to be picked, you got to be within

pointing distance because you know, uh,

you're thinking, "What chance do I have

starting out? What chance? Look at all

these entertainers that are all so

powerful, blah, blah, blah." Those

entertainers are going to get old and

they're going to age out

and there's a vast vast hunger for new

talent and you can be it. Why not? Why

not you instead of somebody else, but

you've got to put yourself in the

position to be chosen? You might be at a

party accidentally. I I I've had so I've

had ideas for casting people so much

because just happen to see them on the

street, you know, and say, "Hey, what

about so and so?" Just be around, be

seen, be there at that club on the night

when somebody came in who's looking for

you.

something I sort of adlibed once and it

became a little saying uh

which was a little advice. It says be so

good they can't ignore you. Now it

sounds like a yeah okay that's that's

solid. But let me tell you where it came

from. I was talking to some students one

time and about acting I guess and they

they were saying things like uh how do I

get an agent? uh where do I get my head

shots? There's all this very practical

stuff. And I just thought really

shouldn't the first thing you're

thinking about is how do I be good?

Because a headsh shot's not going to do

you any good if you don't have the

backup.

So the first thing you need to think

about is your talent and how to manage

it. And then of course you have to think

about practical things too. Like I say,

move to where the action is. Get there.

If you're at the very beginning of even

thinking about being in comedy or being

in show business or performing, I would

get with your best friend or your

smartest friend and start talking and

start talking about comedy and start

talking about performing. And I don't

mean for a lunch, for an hour. Talk

about for days, days into the night.

Keep talking. Things will come out and

pretty soon you start to get a little

more confident. Or we can think of this.

And you just start pitching and you say,

"What if uh you know, Sunny and Sher had

a pizza had a pizza outlet

and uh what if this?" And you just go,

"What if what if what if what if and you

go, oh, maybe there's some potential

there." You know, you just start going.

You just start going. Well, what if I

did it this way? What if I did it that

way? Or just talk about comedians you

like.

You will be surprised at where you end

up 5 days later from where you began.

You'll already be more sophisticated and

more knowledgeable and more

knowledgeable about yourself. And you

can, if you're trying to think up

material, you could start with what

hasn't been talked about. If I can think

of all the comedians, all the ones I've

seen, all the ones I've seen on, what

haven't they talked about? Is there an

area that is new and fresh, and you know

there is because we live in a world that

is changing all the time and there's

something out there happening that could

inspire you. But keep that conversation

going. Intellectualize it if you want to

and talk about it for a long, long time.

You will get somewhere.

This is a terrible, terrible secret

when you're starting out. It's terrible.

I didn't even want to say it.

Don't think about anything else.

I'm always thinking of the joke. I'm

listening

and I'm at work. I'm having a ball.

Let's say you're with Tom Hanks who's

all who's very funny, very witty and

brilliant sort of rack on tour or Alec

Baldwin who's the same way.

Those two I just say, "Please talk."

That's what I'm thinking. Please talk.

I'm not going to try to get in here at

all. Then every once in a while, I

realize how much I was actually thinking

about what to say. And it may just

happen naturally. I realized how many

times I thought vacation. I don't want

to take a vacation. What could happen?

What if my agent called? What if blah

blah? What if this or that? It's never,

hey, we had a great lunch. Oh, I think

I'll go do a show tonight. You're on it.

I've signed on to host the Oscars in

like

October one year and the show was in

March.

I started thinking about it that day. I

knew it was there. I knew that moment

was coming. Making notes all the time.

You just can't help it. So either by

default or by intent, you're going to be

thinking about this what you're doing

all the time until you finally

can relax 25 years