All language subtitles for Its.Love.Im.After.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

[upbeat orchestral music]

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[music continues]

[people chattering]

[instrumental "Auld Lang Syne"]

[people cheering]

O my love, my wife.

Death, that hath sucked
the honey of thy breath,

hath had no power
yet upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered.

Beauty's ensign
yet is crimson in thy lips

and in thy cheeks.

And death's pale flag
is not advanced there.

Ah, dear Juliet.

Why art thou yet so fair?

Shall i believe that
unsubstantial death is amorous

and that the lean
abhorred monster

keeps thee here in dark
to be his paramour?

For fear of that,
I still will stay with thee

and never from this palace
of dim night depart again.

Here, here will i remain

with worms that are
thy chambermaids.

Oh, here will i set
up my everlasting rest

and shake the yoke of
inauspicious stars...

[snoring]

From this world-wearied flesh.

Isn't it wonderful?
Shakespeare is so elevating.

Go back to sleep,
Ella, but don't snore.

William, you're disgusting,
even if you are my brother.

- Oh!
- Arms take your last embrace.

And, lips...

- Thank you, Henry dear.
-O you the doors of breath.

Seal with a righteous
kiss a dateless bargain

to engrossing death.

Juliet's here, my pet,
not up in that box.

You beautiful ham.

[tongue clicking]
There they go again.

Come, bitter conduct.

Come, unsavory guide.

Thou desperate pilot.

Now at once run on
the dashing rocks

thy seasick, weary bark.

Here's to my love.

O true apothecary.
Thy drugs are quick.

With a kiss...

I die.

I wish there was cyanide in it.

[yelps]

Romeo! Alack, alack,
what blood is this which stains,

the stony entrance,
the sepulcher?

What mean these
master-less and gory swords

to lie discolored
by this place of peace?

Romeo! Oh, pale.

Who else?

What, Paris too?
And steeped in blood?

Oh, what an unkind hour
is guilty

of this lamentable chance.

The lady stirs.

O comfortable Friar.

Where is my lord?

- It's not over, yet.
- I do remember well.

He's dead, it's over for me.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Meet me out
in front of the theater.

Where are you going, Marcia?

Go, get thee hence.

For i will not away!

[cries]

Take your hand
away from my face.

They can't see me.

Can you get away from me?
They can't see my face.

How sad.

How is it that
two people in love

can be so mean to each other?

I better get the manager.
This promises to be a rouser.

All right.

O churl,

drunk all, and leave no
friendly drop to help me after.

I will kiss thy lips.

Onions again.

Happily some poison
yet doth hang on them.

Worse than onion, it's garlic.

I'll attend to you
later, you swine.

[Watchman] Lead, boy. Which way?

Yea, noise?

Then i'll be brief.

O happy dagger.

This is thy sheath.

There rust...

and let me die.

[grunts]

[audience applauding]

- Four tons of gentle jewelry!
- Bully!

Bully, if you ever dare
pinch me again, I'll--

- Children, children!
- Well, speak to my leading man.

He began it,
and what's more, I have

a horrible bruise to prove it!

[audience applauding]

Basil, Basil, take your bow.
Listen!

Oh. Poor, deluded man.

He thinks that's for him.

- Oh you!
- No, no, no, no, no!

[applauding]

Now you, Miss Arden, hurry.

Yes, before they
forget you, dear.

If you could read my mind
you'd shrivel where you stand.

[groans]

[applause]

Just what is the matter with me?

There's nothing
the matter with you!

That's what's
the matter with you.

There's nothing
the matter with him,

that's what's
the matter with him?

You're everything a girl
should want and doesn't.

Oh, if i were only
20 years younger

and knew what i know now.

I shouldn't have to look
back on my respectable life

as a misspent youth.

There's nothing
the matter with him,

that's what's
the matter with him?

Well, there's something
the matter with one of us.

We were magnificent
tonight, sir.

Thank you, Digges, you think the
bard would've been pleased?

He'd rattle his
shin bones in glee, sir.

The balcony scene,
if I may say so, sir, superb!

But soft. What light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the East
and Juliet is the sun.

- Ah, me.
- She speaks, O speak again.

Bright angel, for thou art
as glorious to this night.

- Being o'er my head--
- No, no, no, no, Digges.

No, for thou art as
glorious to this night

being o'er my head as is
a winged messenger of heaven.

I bow to the master, sir.
Magnificent.

Our inflection, our timing,
our tonal quality, sir--

Now, brandy and soda
if you don't mind, Digges.

Oh, yes, I beg your pardon!

[Woman] Yes, I'll trade
you my old flute for one.

I could have sworn
that was Carole Lombard,

and look what she
wrote in my book.

"With fondest love, Cleopatra.”

- Who do you wanna see?
- I want to see you.

And it's very confidential.

Could you tell me where

Mr. Underwood's
dressing room is?

- Why?
- Because...

- First door to your left.
- Thank you.

Madeleine, I can't understand

why a man i'm so crazy about

takes such a fiendish delight
in tormenting me.

Ah, men are
undependable, miss.

- How do you know?
- Just take a look at me.

Well, I don't suppose
he really means it.

No.

In a minute,
he'll be tapping on that wall

and begging my forgiveness.

And i'll make him suffer
just a little bit.

- Then i'll forgive him.
- That's right.

Everything will be
all right again.

Hello! How is my dear
little garlic blossom?

Basil, I can't stand it anymore.

I'm through, do you hear me?
I'm through!

How modest of you
to admit that, sweetheart.

No, I mean, with you. This
is the end, finally and forever.

I'll never do another play
with you as long as i live!

-[knock on door]
- Come in.

If you change your
mind, my love, the next part

I play i'll wear a gas mask.

Anything you can
use to cover your face

will be a vast improvement.

Oh, well, that's only
one woman's opinion.

Let me tell you...

Well, I guess that stopped him.

I...

-I had to come.
- Who are you?

I'm-i'm nobody.

I suppose you know
this is against my rules.

- You're my ideal.
- Oh.

Uh, won't you sit down?

I suppose you want my autograph.

- No.
- My photograph?

- No.
- Well, what then?

Well, I just came to tell you
that... that i love you.

[Joyce] You're conceited,
overbearing, ugly, hateful!

Well, I know that means
nothing to you but...

[Joyce]
A loose-living billy goat!

But it will always mean
a great deal to me that,

that when i felt this way,
I had the courage to tell you.

I think that everyone should
act the way they feel.

- Don't you?
- Well, yes. Oh, I do.

Yes, yes.

Of course, a lot of
people think i'm crazy.

- Do you?
- No, no, no.

A little strange perhaps, but...

Any filly who goes by will
have you prancing after her!

She's just
rehearsing a new part.

Well, I'm not really crazy,
I'm just honest.

That's why i came backstage
tonight to see you.

I thought perhaps that someday

when you're old and forgotten.

What, me-me forgotten?

And when you feel that
awful loneliness that comes

to those who've been adored
and are now forgotten,

that then perhaps
you'll remember tonight

and be grateful to me.

And now, and now i've got to go.

Hey, wait, wait,
wait, wait a minute!

You can't go like this without
telling me who you are.

I'm all the women you play to.

Ophelia going mad
with unrequited love.

Lady Macbeth murdering for you!

- Desdemona--
- I strangle her.

- Oh, I didn't mind much.
- Didn't you?

After all, it was for love.

Tonight when Romeo died, I wept.

Has that tongue of yours finally
fallen out of your mouth?

- Very good actress, isn't she?
- Incredible.

Tell me something?

Did you weep for Romeo
or was it for me?

I don't know.

Every time you've played,

I've been out front,
worshiping you.

I felt you were there.

And i don't know
what i've been worshiping.

Ah.

He doesn't answer now, Miss.

I know why, because
he's too ashamed.

Poor boy.

I can just see him sitting
in there by himself

and repenting, and too
proud to come in here.

And he does love me,
doesn't he, Madeleine?

Of course he does, dear.

And i love him too.

And it's New Years Eve
and it's a shame

to spoil it with a row.

I think i'll swallow
my pride and go in to him.

Isn't it strange, I always felt
you were there

and yet i never saw you
until tonight in that box.

And you'll never see me again.
Goodbye!

No wait!

Thank you so much.

Who's the young lady, sir?

There was no young lady, Digges.

What, sir?

Merely a lovely wraith

who appeared from nowhere

and disappeared into nowhere.

And completely daffy.

What was that little twit
doing in here just now?

That little twit is doing
a school paper on Shakespeare.

She came here to do some
purely academic research.

Yes, I'm sure you raised it
for her very well, Professor!

Darling, have you ever heard
of the green-eyed monster?

Are you egomaniac
enough to think

that i could be jealous of you?

From head to foot, I'm one
quivering mass of loathing.

I shall never
speak to you again!

When you come
crawling on my doorstep,

I shall be out,
but definitely out.

If i'm ever introduced to you,

I shall forget my breeding long
enough to spit in your eye.

Why, I won't even marry you.
Now what do you think of that?

- Boo.
- Oh, you..

When you leave
the theater this evening,

that distasteful blot
you will see

to the left of the stage door

will be all that's left
of our ex-doorman.

[clicks tongue]

Oh, where is Marcia?

Well, you're her father,
you ought to know.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

There she is, I'll get her.

Marcia, where have you been?
We've been waiting for you.

Oh, you wouldn't
like to know, Henry.

Mooning over
that ham actor, I bet.

I'm not saying anything, Henry.

Marcia, aren't you forgetting
you're engaged to me?

Darling, you really
should get yourself

introduced to me sometime.

- Huh?
- As the years roll on

you'll discover that
i'm the sort of person

who likes to act
the way she feels.

Well, why don't you follow
him around on his tours?

- That's not a bad idea.
- Now, now, don't fight children.

At least until after
you're happily married.

- What are they fighting about?
- The mood you're in...

I don't think i'll come
now to the house party.

Happy New Year, Henry.

No one ever pays any attention

to anything I say!

Drive on, Perkins!

We can't go without Henry.

Henry, climb in here!

- Happy New Year!
- Henry, Henry!

What have i done that she
should be so unreasonable?

- Nothing.
- Well, practically nothing, sir.

That woman will never
know how much i love her.

[knock on door]

Juliet, this is your Romeo.

She doesn't love me anymore.

- I wonder why?
- Oh.

Women are changeable creatures,
Sir.

Yes.

So that's the way it is with me?

Ten minutes before
what is jestingly known

as the Happy New Year.

[people chattering]

Down in the street below
a great carnival of people,

happy together.

And up here,
one man miserably alone.

- I'm here, sir.
- Oh, you're always here, Digges.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Do you know
what this is, Digges?

No, sir, what?

Why, it's the last
scene of "The Outcast".

Don't you remember, Digges?

I'm alone, starving in a garret,

and the Christmas
carols come ringing

from the belfry of
the church next door.

Oh, hardly that, sir.

It was Christmas in the garret

and you were a fugitive
from justice, sir.

Oh, mere details.
Essentially, it's the same.

What was that line?

- That marvelous line?
- Oh, excuse me, sir.

- Yeah, I, uh...
- What was it?

What ill-omen star--

Yes, that's it,
what ill-omen star

shone the night
of my conception?

What flaw was in
the potter's clay

that foredoomed me to be
different from other men?

Why was i born
in a crowded world

to die alone and forgotten?

- Digges?
- Yes, sir.

Why is it no one loves me?

- But i love you, sir.
- Don't confuse the issue!

Am i really such
a bad fellow as she thinks?

Oh, please, sir.
Don't let's go into that now.

There's loyalty for you,
and from you, Digges.

My faithful dresser,
ever since i pulled you out

of that ridiculous bird act

with which you were
trying to kill vaudeville.

Do you remember my oriole, sir?

-[imitating bird warbling]
- Don't change the subject!

Though some people thought i was
at my best as a canary, sir.

- Digges.
-[imitates canary bird]

Here, take this.

- Set down the score.
- Yes, sir.

I'm going to show you
that there aren't enough

hairs on my head to number

the good deeds
i've done this past year.

- Don't you mean my head, sir?
- Don't be facetious.

Now, first of all,
I want 100 points

for that benefit
performance i played.

- Right, you are.
- And 100 points

for the critic
i did not punch in the nose.

Yes, sir, we get minus

200 for Philadelphia, sir.

- Philadelphia?
- Yes, the alderman's wife, sir.

Well, you can't count
that, she didn't complain.

Yes, but the alderman did, sir.

All right, have it
your own way.

Philadelphia minus 20.

Sorry, sir,
Philadelphia minus 200.

What about
all that money i sent

to my poor old
uncle last year?

Canceled by our
conduct in Denver, sir.

- Denver?
- Remember the little darling...

With the red hair
and the green eyes, sir?

Well, what could i do,
Digges, what could i do?

Gentleman with
the sour puss had a very

definite suggestion, sir.

Imagine escaping
from Denver in a beard.

Yes, and Dallas and
Houston and New Orleans, sir.

Our Southern swing. Mm-hmm.

All in all, I'm afraid we add up

as a bit of a bad odor, sir.

Yes, I'm afraid we do.

What a thing for a man
to wake up and realize.

Basil Underwood, you're a skunk!

Oh, don't take it to heart, sir.

Don't defend me, Digges!
After all, what am i?

Just the greatest
actor in the world.

Yes, but there's hope, sir.

- Even for us.
- What hope?

Well, it's the season
for making resolutions

and turning over
a new leaf, sir.

[scoffs] I'd have to turn
over the whole public library.

Well, you could do
it if you try, sir.

I could, couldn't i, Digges?
And i will.

I'm gonna tell
Ms. Joyce about it.

[Digges] Good.

Joyce darling,
please open the door.

I'm going to show
you a new side of me.

I've seen every side of you

and i'm not interested
in any of them!

- Did you hear that, Digges?
- Yes, sir.

What's that?

Furniture, sir.

A barricade!

Well, for utter brutality,
give me a woman!

Open this door, you wretch!

Open it!

Digges, pound on this door.

- What are you up to, sir?
- Never mind, just pound.

-[knocking]
- Don't tap, pound!

I'm going to open this door
if i have to pound all night!

Keep on pounding!

[pounding]

-[pounding on door]
- Keep right on knocking.

You'll see how much
good it'll do you.

What a beast!

I'm sure he can't do
this kind of thing to me!

Knock your knuckles raw!

You'll never get in
here as long as i live!

Beast!

Good evening.

- How did you get in here?
- Through the window.

You'll oblige me
by leaving the same way.

And i hope you trip on the sill!

-[pounding continues]
- Look at that furniture!

I put it there
to keep the animals out!

You can't break in
here like a burglar

and start tossing
my furniture around!

You didn't think i came
in here just to see you.

Ridiculous ass!

I won't be kept out by force.

- Pompous bull!
- Oh!

Aren't we wallowing
in the barnyard?

That's a Louis XIV chair.

- Let Louis XIV have it!
- I'll call the manager.

- I don't need any assistance.
- I'll ring the police.

Oh, they'll know exactly
what to do with you.

- I'll get the fire department!
- Why not ring for the marines?

Oh, you beast,
you swine, you cad!

-[groans]
- Now will you relax?

[pounding on door]

All right, that'll be all,
thanks, Digges.

Well, a pretty
display, I must say.

If you ever throw anything
at me again, I'll...

And i will too.

Happy New Year.

[cries] Happy New Year.

[mellow music]

Joyce.

- Oh, Joyce.
- What?

Sweetheart.

Darling.

- Dearest darling.
- Sweetheart.

- I can't bear it, I forgive you.
- And i forgive you too.

Do you really love me so much?

You're my heart and my soul.

You're all women
in one and the one women.

I know that's from
the first act of "The Lovers."

But darling,
darling, say it again.

No, you say
something nice to me.

Dearest I...I think you're the
lowest thing that ever crawled.

But as long as i can reach
out and get my hands on you

no other man will ever touch me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-[knocking]
- Your husband!

Sorry, force of habit.

[laughing]

Oh, it's Digges!

[both] Happy New Year, Digges!

Thank you, and many
of them for you both.

Thank you. My husband.

[laughing]

That's an idea,
an inspiration, we'll do it!

- What? Best.
- Get married. Tonight!

Oh, but marriage is such
a serious step, darling.

No, no, we'll drive out to one
of those cash and carry places.

I'm not a man
who can dilly dally.

It's something a girl
should think about and plan for.

Now, darling,
you know perfectly well if we

ever think about it
we'll never do it.

I don't suppose
i could be any more

miserable married to
you than the way i am.

Oh, you don't know me,
I'm a changed man.

I'll tell you all about it
later. You hear that, Digges?

We're going to be married.

- What, again, sir?
- What do you mean, again?

We've never been married
before, have we, sweet?

I mean planning again, sir.

At least a dozen
times this past year.

I resent the implication,
Digges,

as if we didn't
know our own minds.

It's just that you've approached
the precipice so often, sir.

I resent that precipice, Digges.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Arden,
no offense intended.

It was purely
a figure of speech.

Well, I forgive you, Digges,
but next time,

don't think of
me as a piece of landscape.

Well, you approve, Digges?

I think you
deserve each other, sir.

Here is to our wedding.

- To our wedding.
- To our wedding.

[knock on door]

Someone at our door,
Digges, see who it is.

Sir, do you think that wise,
remember the last time--

No, no, probably some friend

come to share
our New Year's cheer.

Or some girl to do
some academic research.

It's a wonder you
consent to marry a person

you think so nastily about.

Oh, darling, don't be offended.

You know, you can't help
the kind of character you are.

I can and i will!

I'll tell you more about it
on the way to the minister's.

[Digges] It's a man, sir.

The day of miracles is not over.

Change your dress, dear.

- I'll soon get rid of him.
- Oh, Basil.

Basil, are we really
serious this time?

Nothing can stop us.

Clean up your room, dearest,
it looks like the devil.

This is the gentlemen, sir.

Oh, I thought it
was someone i knew.

- What can i do for you?
- I'm Henry Grant.

Henry Gr... Oh, no, no, there
must be some mistake.

I know Henry Grant very well.
He's an older man.

I'm Henry Grant Jr.

Oh, you're young Henry!

Well, I'm glad to
meet you, how are you?

- All right, I guess.
- Henry's son.

Take your things off. Come on
in. Sit down, and have a drink.

No, I won't sit down
and i don't want a drink.

What's the matter
with you, my boy?

You look like
a second gravedigger.

You in a jam on the market?

I know exactly
what that feels like.

I'd have jumped off
the Brooklyn Bridge in '29

if your father
hadn't saved my neck.

I'll be glad to help you out,
how much have you lost?

- About 104 pounds.
- Oh, English money?

- No, my girl.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Very funny, hear that, Digges?

-[laughs]
- Ha-ha. Very cleverly put, sir.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
to hear that, Henry.

How did that happen to
a nice looking fellow like you?

Well, while i was out of town

she fell in love with...
Well, with--

You mean to tell me
that while your back

was turned,
someone stole your girl?

Well, of all the scurvy
tricks, who is the rat?

- You!
- Me?

- Minus 200 points, sir.
- I oughta punch you in the nose!

Now, now, now, now, Henry,
don't do anything like that.

Because if you did i'd have
to punch you in the nose

and it'd be a horrible mess,
wouldn't it?

Besides, you'd be
accusing an innocent man.

At least, I think you would.

Does she have red hair
and live in Denver, sir?

No.

Is she a big blonde from
New Orleans.

- Named Gertrude?
- No.

Was she married to an alderman

in Philadelphia, sir?

Certainly not.

I wonder who he
has in mind, Digges.

Her name is Marcia West.

Marcia West?

Do we know anyone named
Marcia West, Digges?

Not unless you've been
cheating on me, sir.

There you are, Henry,
we don't even know your girl.

I didn't say you
knew each other.

I said she was in love with you.

Well, that's not my fault,
is it?

Of course, you know
what this is, Digges.

No, sir, what is it?

Why, it's "The Loving
Triangle" all over again.

Well, of course, sir,
there it is.

What's the loving triangle?

It's a play.

Henry, in the first
act i meet a girl.

I don't know who she is,
I don't know where

she comes from,
but like that we're in love.

It's Venice, I'll never
forget that gondola scene.

What was that line, Digges?

Don't tell me. Um, tell me?

- Time was created--
- That's it.

Time was created
to make this moment for us.

Kiss me! Gad, what a curtain!

Are you two gentlemen nuts?

Henry, in the second
act, I'm at home.

I have a long scene
with my friend.

Buddies, you know,
won the war together.

You saved my life, all i ask
is for a chance to repay you.

I didn't come up
here to see you act!

He tells me about his
wonderful sweetheart.

She walks in!
You'll never guess who she is.

- Who?
- The girl from Venice.

Ah!

David, fancy meeting you here.

Gad, what a moment.

I stare at her,
I just stare at her.

There we are, Henry,
the same situation.

What's all of this got
to do with Marcia and me?

Wait! in the third act,
I sacrifice myself.

It's friendship or love
and i choose friendship.

I deliberately set out
to disillusion this girl.

I'm a cad, gad how
i mistreat her.

I insult her family, her
friends, so what does she do?

She chooses second best,
marries my friend,

and they're happy ever after.

And i'm left with a broken heart

and the universal
acclaim of the critics.

And i've got the press
notices to prove it, sir.

[laughs] Interesting, eh, Henry?
Take this, Digges.

Get my coat,
we've got to be going.

- Yes, sir.
- You know, it might work.

- What might?
- What you've been telling me.

You're not proposing
to make a practical

application of this story
i just told you?

- Well, why not?
- A million reasons why not.

I'm on tour, Henry. I've got to
be in San Francisco on Monday.

But you've got the weekend,
I can drive you down to

her place, and you can do what
you did in The Loving Triangle.

My art's for the stage,
I don't go running around

giving benefit performances.

I suppose if i were
to offer to pay you.

Henry, don't you
say things like that.

I'm beastly sorry, old
boy, honestly i am.

I realize that
men in my position

live by the flutters
they raise in the hearts

of silly little girls
who fall in love

with the parts we play,
and we lap up the adulation.

We don't stop to think that
we might be making a mess

of some perfectly happy lives.

Well, you're making
a mess of mine, all right,

and you better do something
about it right now!

Henry, I'd give
my right arm to help you,

but tonight i've got an
engagement that's too important.

An engagement? When the market
crash caught you, did my father

say to you, "Basil, old man, I'd
give my right arm to help you.

- But i've got an engagement"?
- No, he didn't.

Well, why can't
you put your date off?

Well, I-I-I, I have put it off
in the past, didn't i?

- Don't do it, sir.
- No?

No, Henry, I can't
and that's final!

Haven't you one spark
of unselfishness in you?

- What was that?
- Don't you ever do a thing...

Because it's the
decent thing to do?

Decent thing to do.

I'm beginning to see something.

Don't you ever do
a thing that's generous,

if only to keep
your self-respect?

I could go down tonight and be
back first thing in the morning.

There are 200 points waiting
for you, sir, if you don't.

- Pack the bags, Digges.
- Oh, sir, I beg of you.

Don't argue with me, just pack.

This is where i turn
over that new leaf.

Oh, I knew we should never
have started that game, sir.

I'll never be able
to forget you for this.

Oh, don't be an egotist, Henry.

I'm not doing this for you,
I'm doing it for myself.

You only come second.

Of course you
wouldn't understand that.

If you're doing it
for yourself, perhaps you

wouldn't mind not telling
her anything about this?

You see, as far as she's
concerned, we haven't even met.

Otherwise she'd be suspicious.

Henry, don't give
it another thought.

You're a saved man.

From now on i doff
the mantle of Romeo

and assume the role of a cad.

You don't know
how much i appreciate this.

I'll wait downstairs
in the lobby for you.

- And drive you over.
- Right. [chuckles]

Oh, sir.

I have the gravest misgivings
about all this, sir.

Nonsense, Digges,
it's a golden opportunity.

It'll be my moral salvation.

I want 500 points
for this, Digges.

Oh, when i think of poor
Ms. Joyce in there

unsuspectingly getting ready,
Sir.

Why, she'll love me for it.

I hope you can make her
see it in that light, sir.

Now what chance
of happiness have we got

if she goes through
life thinking me a man

without principle or character?

Couldn't you marry
her first, sir,

and demonstrate your
reformation afterwards?

No, Digges, I'm determined
to come to her a cleansed man.

I will not have the woman i love

married to what
you somewhat indelicately

referred to as a bad odor.

[knock on door]

Basil, darling, I'm ready!

Are we going to tell her, sir?

Well, the arrangement
might be a little difficult

to understand from
the feminine point of view.

Exactly, sir.

Yes, I think in that case

i will spring it
as a happy surprise.

- Hear, hear, sir.
- Yes.

Yes, I hope so, sir.

[laughs] There you are, dear!

Here i am, darling.

Yes, so you are, sweetheart.

Oh, the funniest thing, Basil.

I actually believe that
i'm trembling with excitement.

[laughs]
That's so nice isn't it?

- Joyce.
- Will you, darling?

- Yes, I will.
- Thank you.

It's the silliest thing,
I feel just like a schoolgirl!

[laughs] Yes.

- Joyce?
- Yes, dear?

Now, I, we put this thing off

several times in the past.

Yes, we were silly, darling.

Yes, but it didn't make
any difference, did it?

I mean, we went right
on loving each other.

Dearest, you trying
to stand me up again?

No, certainly not, dear, no, no.

No, but of course, tomorrow
is just as good a day, isn't it?

Basil, are you
standing me up again?

Now, now, don't get excited.
You know what it does to you.

You thing! You are not...

Now, Joyce,
remember your glands!

If i hadn't been hypnotized,

I'd have known
you'd do this to me again!

You see, I-I've gotta go
and do a favor for a friend.

Of course,
I'm really doing it...

Well, you've got to help
a friend, haven't you?

Well, so long.

Was it the same friend that you
spent the night with in Chicago?

Darling, we'll be married
tomorrow, I swear it!

No, no, no,
not to me you won't.

Not tomorrow,
or tomorrow, or tomorrow!

And when you learn
what I've done

you'll love me all the more!

Ooh!

Ooh!

[grunts]

Did we fix it, sir?

[snaps finger]
Heh. Like that, Digges!

[vase shattering]

Yes, we certainly
did fix it, sir.

[vase shattering]

[instrumental music]

Well, here we are.

I hope to heaven this
thing works, Basil.

I don't know
what I'll do if it doesn't.

Don't you worry, my boy.

She's as good as in
your arms right now.

Oh, thanks, goodbye.

- Bye.
- Good luck.

Well, Digges, the stage is set.

- Do you know what to do?
- I think so, sir.

- But i don't like the idea.
- Never mind what you like.

We're going to descend
on her like a pestilence

in the night.
Play up to me, Digges.

Do you mean, I have
to be a pestilence too, sir?

You're the perfect type
for the part, come on.

Nobody seems
to be stirring, sir.

Then we'll stir 'em.

[tapping]

Come on, open up!

She'll probably throw us
right out on our ears.

We'll be back
with Joyce in an hour.

Oh, I hope so, sir.

Oh, look, sir.

Say, what's that
strange apparition

that's coming
towards us, Digges?

Well, evidently something
has heard us, sir.

Come on, open up!

- Who are you?
- Opportunity, I want in!

I'm very sorry, Mr. Tunity,
but everyone's in bed.

What? No one up to welcome me?

- Did you hear that, Digges?
- Frightful, sir.

You know who i am,
my poor friend?

- I understood you to say--
- This is Mr. Basil Underwood!

- Aren't we, sir?
- Please, please.

Please, everyone is asleep.

[clicks tongue]

You one of
the weekend guests, sir?

[laughing]

I am the weekend guest.

People don't go to bed
when Basil Underwood is coming.

Come on, Digges.

- Get 'em up, get them up!
- But i dare not do that, sir.

If you won't, I will!

Give me light, give me light!

You expect Basil Underwood
to make an entrance in the dark?

I thank you.

[instrumental music]

[sniffing]

- Flowers without odor.
- Huh.

[scoffs] Wretched hovel,
eh, Digges?

Quite right, sir. Yes, sir.

Wretched as you say.

It reminds me, sir, very much
of Grand Central Station.

It is the Grand Central Station!

All aboard!

Train leaving Track 6
for Woggleoop,

Blubalub, Dillamuch.

Umpville and Point West!

- On Track Six!
- And also, sir!

- Basil Underwood is here!
- Right you are!

- Get up, get up!
- Basil Underwood is here!

[indistinct shouting]

[Digges] Basil Underwood
is here!

Get up, get up!

Basil Underwood is here!

- How am i doing, Digges?
- Oh, fair to middling, sir.

Get up everybody,
Basil Underwood is here!

Get up, get up!

Gentlemen, I insist!

Not so loud,
you'll wake everybody up!

You look like
a sensible man, sir.

Mr. West will be
very, very angry.

And what do you think i am?

- My ire is consuming me!
- You're what, sir?

My ire.

Ire!

- Ire, ire, ire, ire!
- It's a fire!

- Ire!
- Ire!

Ire, Mr. Basil Underwood
is here!

His ire is consuming him!

Get up!

[shouting]

Gentlemen, is there
nothing i can do to stop you!

- We're here!
- I know you're here!

But why?

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here
because we're here ♪

♪ We're here because
we're here because ♪♪

Angels and ministers
of grace defend us!

Basil Underwood!

[mellow music]

Please, please, don't go,
please...

- Digges!
- Yes, sir?

- Digges, did you see that girl?
- Yes, sir.

Don't you remember her?

- No, sir.
- Of course you do.

She's the girl who
came to see me tonight

in my dressing room.

The lovely wraith
who appeared

from nowhere, and she's here,

here in this very house!

Oh, that girl.
Remember your resolution, sir.

Why, that couldn't
be Henry's girl.

Fire!

[people shouting]

Can you smell
anything burning, sir?

[clamoring]

This isn't a fire at all.

- It's Basil Underwood.
- Who, Basil who?

Well, I'll be.
Of all the, it's that actor.

Say something to him, William.

Go on, go on,
we don't want you here!

Roger, James, Chester,
somebody, do something!

Move, scat, get out!

- Did you hear that, Digges?
- Distinctly, sir.

- I'll get the bags.
- Just a moment.

Would you mind repeating that?

With pleasure.
Get out of this house!

- Are you an actor, sir?
- Who me?

Because if you're not,
it's a great loss to the stage.

Never in all my years
in the theater

have i heard a line
given with such feeling.

You almost convinced
me that you meant it.

Well, well, I...

- I did mean it!
- He did mean it!

He did mean it!

Well, what do you
mean by inviting me here

for the weekend and
then going to bed?

I invited you
before going to bed?

- You're crazy!
- Well, someone invited me.

Someone invited him,
isn't it lovely?

Who did it?
Did you, did you, did you?

No. You invited yourself!

Now, I remember.
It was a Miss Marcia West.

Ma... Marcia?

- Marcia!
- Coming, daddy!

I think this is
our exit march, sir.

Come here.

- Did you invite this man here?
- Why i...

Uh...

Why, yes, daddy, I did.

I'm so glad you could come,

of course you are a little late
but i suppose you did

have a little difficulty
in getting out of the theater.

Marcia, I want you to
get this man out of here.

- He's a lunatic.
- Oh, go away, daddy, please.

- Well, I tell you, I--
- Father.

Oh, I'll go away.

Come on, we'll all
go back to bed.

Don't mind father,
he doesn't understand!

No, he wouldn't, would he?
Ha ha.

- How did you find me?
- Well, you see, I--

Well, it doesn't matter,
as long as you did!

Oh, thank you, thank you,

thank you for coming!

You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

Oh, follow me,
and i'll show you to your room.

[clears throat]
This way out, sir.

Don't worry, Digges...tomorrow.

Oh, this'll be
the test of a man, sir.

Do you think
this will suffice, sir?

Yes, I suppose
it's theatrical enough.

I only hope they don't
ask for balloons.

Actors coming here!

Do you realize, William,
that if Mr. West had

had to work for the money
that he is spending

this could never have happened?

It's clearly a case of
money being left to the--

Shh, sir!
It's time for breakfast, sir.

So it is. Come along,
be prepared for anything.

Yes, that's right, two o'clock!

Yes, he's really here,
really here.

[giggles] Goodbye!

Hello, darling,
what are you doing?

Oh, just calling
up a few more people

for the lawn party
this afternoon.

More, why that's
downright silly.

Well, it may be silly to you,
but we have

Basil Underwood
here as an honored guest.

- What? That actor here?
- Yes, didn't you know...

Well, of course you've
just arrived, but i invited him.

- Oh, you did, did you?
- Yes, I did.

Well, of all the...

Oh, what's the use of arguing?

Let's go and have breakfast.

[Digges] Every night i sleep
with you under my pillow.

Only your picture, alas.

I love you, love you, love you.

[gasps]

- Good morning, Grace.
- Good morning!

Gee, mommy, is this a bug house?

My dear. Remember, my dear,
you're a little lady.

We don't say everything
we think. Why?

Oh, 'cause there's a couple of
crazy men the next room to me.

- How do you know?
- Well...

I peeked through the keyhole,
I always do.

- It's very educational.
- My dear!

You know i've told you never
to do a thing like that.

...What did you see?

There was one man dressed
and another in his shorts,

and he, the dressed man, I mean,
was talking awful to the other--

Not another word!

I'll see you in your
room after breakfast.

I'm afraid i'll have to wash my

little girl's mouth
out with soap!

I'll put the soap
in the keyhole.

[giggling]

[Digges]
"I love you passionately!

And if you will send $500,
I will love you even more!"

- Who's that from?
- This one's from a lady, sir.

They always are.

A much misunderstood lady, sir.

Yes, they always are.

- Oh, here's one--
- No, no, no, no.

No more, thank you, Digges.

Answer everything
in my best vein.

Very good, sir.

Now i suppose we must
be on with the farce.

You know your first
scene, Digges?

- Letter perfect, sir.
- Good.

You know, it's too
bad it had to be she.

She's a nice girl, Digges.

It's not too late to
change our minds, sir.

Oh, yes it is.

Anything you say, sir.

A strange situation.

In order to make
myself a better man

I've got to behave
like a blackguard.

Yes, I'll work
that one out, sir,

on my way down to
the breakfast room.

[people chattering]

[clears throat]
My master's compliments, sir.

And what is there for breakfast?

- Well, really, I...
- Kipper?

Who's a kipper, did you
hear what he called me?

Don't be silly, daddy.
A kipper is a kind of fish.

Well, do you think
that makes it any better?

So i'm a fish, am i?

My master, sir,
desired me to inform you

that he feels like a kipper.

Oh, so, he feels
like a fish, eh?

- Yes.
- Well, that's better.

[laughing]
I should think he would feel

like a fish the way he
lets you talk to him!

Wouldn't eggs do?

We get them from very
aristocratic hens?

Aunt Ella,
when Basil Underwood feels

like a kipper he probably
doesn't feel like an egg,

even an aristocratic one.

I suppose eggs
will have to suffice.

Eggs then
and a bottle of scotch.

- For breakfast?
- And one for lunch.

No kippers, ha!

And one thing more,
Mr. Underwood

gives no autographs on Sundays.

Well, did you ever
hear anything like that?

Hey, you listen here. I never
heard such disgraceful conduct!

Good work, old man. You oughta
be ashamed of yourself!

[whispers] Thanks, old boy.

- Now i told him a thing or two!
- That's right.

[guests chattering]

Good morning, Mr. Underwood.

I think you're wonderful.

[Digges] Ahem!
Mr. Underwood, sir!

Yes, Digges, what is it?

[Digges] No kippers!

- What?
- No kippers, sir.

- What, no kippers?
- No, sir!

Disgraceful!

Am i to understand
that we are kipperless?

- We have eggs.
- We have kippers!

- Good morning!
- Good morning.

- How did you sleep?
- Not at all, someone snored.

- Oh, who?
- I don't know, maybe it was i.

Well, your kippers
are being boiled

or whatever you do with them,
and while you're waiting

won't you meet
these nice people?

We were so excited last night

that i forgot to introduce you.

This is my fi...

A friend of mine, Henry Grant.

Basil Underwood.

How do you do?

How are you?

Oh. Uh...

This is Aunt Ella Paisley.

Oh, Mr. Underwood.

- That hand, that hand!
- What's the matter with it?

Look at that heart
line, that mount of Venus.

You'll be married at once.

Heaven help the poor woman,

the lucky thing.

Well, Aunt Ella, Mr. Underwood
hasn't time for this now!

- This is Mrs. Hinkle.
- Oh, Mr. Underwood.

We are fellow spirits.

I once met Sir Henry Irving,
a great actor!

- Well, that's your opinion.
- Oh, do come here, please!

I want you to meet Mrs. Kane!

My friends call me Sugar.

- How sweet of them.
- And Miss Kane.

I know you, you wear
blue polka dot shorts!

Are there no
reformatories in California?

And this is Mr. Babson
of the Babson Can Company.

- Glad to meet you, Base.
- Just call me Kid.

And this is Mrs. Babson.

I recognize the grip.

And Mr. Hinkle
of Amalgamated Utilities

and Mr. Kane of Kane Chemicals.

Assorted guests from
Dunn and Brad Street.

Where's my kipper?
Oh, there you are!

I've been thinking
over what you said

about my being an actor.

You call this kipper?

Here, taste it.

What's this? Who brought it?

It is burnt and so
is all the meat!

What dogs are these,
where is the rascal cook?

How durst you, villains?

Bring it from the dresser
and serve it

thus to me who love it not?

There, take it to you!

- Trenchers, cups and all!
-[dishes crashing]

- Hey, look here!
- Father, he's Petruchio!

- Taming of the Shrew!
- I tell thee, Kate.

- My name is Ella.
- It was burnt and right away!

And i expressly am
forbid to touch it.

For it engenders
choler, planteth anger!

And better it were that
both of us did fast,

since of ourselves,
ourselves are choleric

then feeded with such
over-roasted flesh!

Ah!

I guess he didn't like it.

Well, of all things
i ever witnessed.

Why, the man's a barbarian!

- Well, I think--
- I'm shocked to the core!

- Well, Digges?
- A magnificent performance, sir.

And one that's going to get
us right back to Ms. Joyce.

Positively the most
disgraceful manners!

I'm sorry for what happened,
sweet, but what can you expect?

You make me sick!
You with your stiff spines!

What right have you
to criticize him?

Is there any law that says a man
should eat what he doesn't like?

What are manners, little
rules for little people.

He's too big for manners,
genius is above trifles!

I'll go to him
and apologize for all of us.

Marcia, wait!

Basil, Basil!

Oh, I'm terribly embarrassed
at the behavior of our guests.

Quite all right,
my dear, we troopers

get used to all sorts of things.

Are you fond of horses?

In my youth i had a positive

passion for merry-go-rounds.

I ride every Sunday morning

and i'd love to have
you come with me.

- Would you?
- Yes.

[imitates canary bird]

[mouths] No!

- What's that?
- What?

That little thing on your cheek!

Oh, that's a beauty mark.

Nothing of the sort,
it's a mole!

- Digges!
- A mole indubitably, sir.

Why, here's another one!

Certainly there is.
[clicks tongue]

If she has two,
she must have a third.

- Well, I have! Why it's...
- Where?

None of your business.

What are my daughter's
moles to you, Mr. Underwood?

Oh, leave him alone, daddy.
Please go away!

Nobody ever
lets me in on anything.

I cannot abide
a woman with moles!

Get thee to a nunnery, go!

Ah, Hamlet Act III, Scene 1.

Oh, how can you?

[cries] The others are right,
you're a beast!

I hate you, I hate you.

And that's Marcia
last act, last scene!

Oh, what an actor we are, sir.

Henry, I've got to thank you

for a most pleasant engagement.

A short run, but a smash hit.

I'll never be able
to thank you enough.

No, no, it's i who
should thank you, my dear boy.

For giving me a chance
to restore my self-respect.

Oh, don't mention it.

- Ah, now, sir.
- Pack the bags, Digges.

For this relief, much thanks.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 1.

My sweet.

Now, you know that
actor as he really is,

and i hope
you're properly disillusioned.

Well, he's right, Henry.

- What's that?
- He's so right.

These moles are terrible.
I never realized it before.

Don't you believe it, they're
very attractive and i love 'em!

But you're no judge of beauty,
Henry. He's an expert.

And i, well,
I'm going to have them removed.

[Henry] What, you mean cut off!

Well, I don't know
about the other one,

but these two have
got to come off.

Just because of
what that fool says?

He's not a fool, I was a fool

for behaving like a child!

He's honest
and i admire him for it!

Admire him,
now you listen to me.

If you love me, you'll leave
those moles where they are.

They're part of
the girl i'm engaged to.

Well, I'm sorry, Henry,
but you're not engaged

to my moles
and they're coming off!

Come on, Digges.

Ms. Joyce will be
proud of us, won't she?

I fervently hope so, sir.

We'll just be in time
for a noon wedding.

[Digges] Oh, there's
nothing like a noon wedding.

Oh, Mr. Actor Man!

I know something you don't know!

I know something you don't know!

She knows something
we don't know, Digges.

It couldn't be
very important, sir.

Otherwise, we'd know it.

Where are you going?

To a desert island where there

are no dear little children.

Well, you better go somewhere.

- You know what she's gonna do?
- Who?

Marcia.
She's gonna cut off her moles.

- She's what?
- Yeah, two of them anyway.

She hasn't made up her
mind about the third.

Gee, she's crazier
about you than ever,

and is Henry Grant mad, ooh!

Come on, sir, remember
our noon wedding.

I say, Digges, you don't
suppose i've aroused her

"Slap me again, I love it"
complex?

I don't know
what you've aroused,

but you've sure aroused it!

Hey, Underwood,
Underwood, wait a minute!

- I've gotta talk to you.
- Sorry, old boy, I've left!

Oh, a quitter, huh?

Sticks and stones
may break our bones,

but names can
never hurt us, sir.

He's right, Digges.

Well, Henry, what do
you want to tell me?

Well, I... Oh no, not here.

No. Upstairs, Digges.

And keep your hand
over the keyhole.

If you do,
I'll stick a pin in it!

Wear a glove, Digges.

If i weren't
a gentleman's gentleman,

I could be such a cad's cad!

[hissing]

- Oh, uh, you!
- Yes, miss?

Where is the Babsons' room?

It's the second keyhole
to the left, miss.

I know, Henry, I know.

I made a slight error
in tactics, I made a mistake.

Yes, but only a small one, sir.

Let's go before
it gets any larger.

- Silence!
- What are we going to do?

Now don't be discouraged, Henry.

My repertoire isn't
nearly exhausted yet.

I'm about to think of
something even more drastic.

Well, think of something
that doesn't

work backwards this time.

But it's noon,
sir, and you said--

- Unpack the bags, Digges.
- Oh, but, sir.

You want me to walk out of
this house an unpurged man?

I'll gladly give you 300 points
just for making the try, sir.

No, I refuse to cheat,
unpack those bags.

Henry, have faith in me,
remember i'm doing this

for your happiness
and my salvation.

Well, I hope
you're sincere that's all.

Well, that a nice
thing to say to me!

[scoffs]

Gad, how that sweet
child loves me.

And how Ms. Joyce loves us, sir.

And i love her.

- Or do i?
- Oh, yes, sir!

I wonder.

Marcia's so young, so innocent.

She fills me with
a high-minded itch

to become what
she supposes i am.

Wouldn't it be
more correct, sir, just to say

that she fills you with an itch?

- Digges.
- I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, sir.

I wonder if i'm reforming
for the wrong woman?

[mellow music]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Pasadena? Pasadena.

Hello, Pasadena, who's calling?

Oh, Ms. Joyce,
I'm terribly worried.

Well, I've got little green men

jumping around in my head
from lobule to lobule,

and you say that you're worried.

Oh, Ms. Joyce,
if you love your man

you'll come over here
and fetch him home.

Yes, I realize that
and i don't blame you.

But Mr. Basil deeply regrets
the incidents of last night.

And, oh, Ms. Joyce,
you've got to help him.

He's in a terrible jam!

I hope he's wallowing in lovely,

gooey jam up to his donkey ears.

I hope he's in a whole
preserves closet.

Did he say that?

Digges, are you sure
he really loves me?

Oh, did he say that?

Digges, what other
nice things did he say?

Really?

Well, what kind of trouble
is the dear boy in?

Well, why can't you talk,
are you in jail again?

Oh, house phone.

Well, what does
he want me to do?

Well now, now let me think.

Uh, do you remember
the routine we used in Detroit?

Yes, well, I suggest that would
come in useful right now!

[up-tempo music]

Oh, what's all
the mystery about?

You know, I found out something
i think you oughta know.

- Oh what?
- Well, I'm not sure yet...

Mind you, but i think
Marcia is beginning

to fall in love with that actor.

Mr. West, you have a great mind.

Where have you
been all this time?

Why, she's practically
published it in the newspapers.

She's even invited
all the neighbors

around to flaunt it
in front of them.

You mean everybody
knows and i'm just...

No one ever bothers to tell me

what's happening
under my own nose.

[birds chirping]

Excuse me, Marcia, I'd like
to talk to Mr. Underwood.

Oh, very well.

I'll meet you over there
by that bed of flowers.

Now look here, Underwood,
there's something being born

in my mind, and i think it's
gonna turn out to be suspicion.

Now, Henry,
don't misunderstand me.

I too have been puzzled
about this girl of ours.

- Ours?
- Well, yours.

She's a realist, Henry,
she's not gonna be

taken in by any actor's tricks.

I've decided the best thing
to do is to get right down

to earth with her
and talk to her like a father.

What kind of father?

A desperate father
if you must know, Henry.

- What are you gonna talk about?
- You!

I'm going to sell you to
her as no man was ever sold.

- Down the river?
- Oh, Henry.

John Olden, that's what this is.

Well, if it's John Double-cross,
I'll punch you

right in the nose!

- Basil!
- Coming, coming!

Think well of me, Henry.

This means a lot to me too.

Oh, Mr. Underwood, sir!

Pardon my presumption, sir,
but do you think

you can trust
yourself alone with her?

- I'm gonna talk to her.
- I know, sir.

- I overheard like a father, sir.
- Yes.

Yes, but so many times you start
talking like a father, sir,

and end up by talking
like something else.

If only you'd wait, sir,
this paternal

chat might not be necessary.

- Why not?
- I don't know, sir.

Something might happen, sir.

What on earth are
you talking about?

Well, you never can tell,
sir, something might turn up.

I thought this thing out.
This is the only thing to do.

- Well, let me go with you, sir.
- It's not a family conference.

Well, I can keep
an eye on you, sir.

All right, Digges,
if you're really fretting

- Just follow me.
- Thank you, sir.

Stay out of sight,
but keep your eye on me.

If only we could think
of some signal now.

Ooh, what about
one of my birds, sir?

Excellent, if you see me get

that much out of line, whistle.

Right, sir,
how about my wood lark,

or would you prefer my bobolink?

I bow to the master, Digges.

Thank you, sir.
You set my mind at ease, sir.

Yes, well you're worrying
about nothing.

[birds chirping]

- Aren't they lovely?
- Lovely.

The color of your cheeks.

Then i'll have to use
them in my wedding bouquet.

And you'll live
happily ever after.

Do you want me to marry Henry?

Of course, I do,
good old Henry--

[whistling]

Well, I don't want to.

Well, Henry's a very
fine boy, in his way.

Yes, but his way is
so stodgy and dull.

Ah, but my dear,
when you're a little older

you'll be very grateful
for somebody solid

that you can rely on.

But i'm young now and
i want a bit of gaiety.

- I want to live a little.
- Fool!

- What did you say?
- I said fool.

I thought i heard
some fool of a bird whistle.

Oh, well that's not surprising.
Come with me.

[birds whistling]

Oh. [laughing]

No wonder you heard a bird.

Yes, no wonder, and i thought--

I love birds, I collect them.

You do, eh? That's a nice hobby.

I often wonder what
the birds think about it.

[chuckles] I think i like
the lovebirds best.

- Oh, you do, eh?
- But then...

I love anything
romantic, don't you?

Oh, yes, all actors
are romantics, you know.

If they weren't, I don't
suppose they could be actors.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, come here,
sit down, I want to talk to you.

Yes, do tell me
all about yourself.

Now, look here, Marcia.

Oh, there really isn't
very much to tell.

I'm an actor,
I put on grease paint.

I play a part, I take
the grease paint off, I go home,

and that's all. Now,
I want to tell you something.

Oh, it must be wonderful
to be adored as you are.

Oh, romance, which dies
when the theater lights go out.

- Now, you listen to me--
- You're a lonely person.

I can see that now.

Why, how observant you are.

Yes, I am lonely.

Deep in my heart,
utterly, utterly lonely.

[whimpers]
It makes we want to cry.

[whistling]

[birds chirping]

You're very sweet, Marcia.

You need someone to love you.

Someone to take care
of you, take me with you!

Why, Marcia,
I don't think I can do that.

Last night in your dressing room
i told you i didn't know

who I had been worshiping.
You or the parts your play.

Well, now i know,
it isn't Romeo, it's you.

Marcia, are you sure
or is it just some schoolgirl

infatuation, which you'll
forget in two days?

Oh, hold my hands,
Basil, feel them trembling.

Feel my heart, is that
puppy love as you say?

- Well, it may be--
-[loud warbling]

[loud warbling]

And two days,
or two lives can't change it.

- Oh, my dear.
-[whistling]

[loud cawing]

No, it's impossible,
you're only a child.

- But i'm 20. No, it isn't!
- It's just a chemical reaction.

Yeah, you're
thingummies are all upset.

I love you!

You don't know
me as i really am.

Don't you see, I'm
the only one who really does.

- You love me!
- No, no, I don't.

At least... I don't!

I'm not capable
of loving any woman

for more than a year,
a month, a week.

But what a week,
what a month, what a year!

Oh, what a mess.

[quacking]

[clucking]

What'd you say, Digges?

[rooster crowing]

Oh, Basil, why is
true love so wonderful?

This is no time to ask riddles.

[birds chirping]

Don't be shy, dear.

Mercy, no.
No, no, go right ahead.

Well, Joyce, what
a delightful surprise.

Really, I'm not
surprised in the least.

- Lovely day, isn't it?
- Enchanting.

The air's so clear,
one sees such things.

Yes, yes.
Nice spot this, don't you think?

Oh, yes,
sweet place for a murder.

- Yes.
- Why, you're Joyce Arden.

Yes, yes, and you're
the young lady that was

in Mr. Underwood's
dressing room last night.

- Isn't she, Basil?
- Why certainly...

- Yes, I believe she is, yes.
- Yes.

How's your research
coming on, dear?

What right has she
to talk to me like this?

Oh, practically none. Wives
have so few rights these days.

- What?
- Your wife!

Why, yes, my wife, wonderful.

[Marcia] You're married?

Why, yes, I think
i, yes, I'm married, yes.

Miss West, this is my wife,
my dear little faithful wife.

- How do you do, Miss West?
- Oh.

Hasn't he told you?
Oh, but then the naughty boy

never does,
you poor sweet child.

Don't you touch me!

Joyce, this is wonderful.

You always rescue me
in the nick of time.

And what an idea, my wife!

How did you think of it?

Now, now, now, Joyce,
now, I know what you want.

You want an explanation
and you shall have it.

You see, dear, last night
Henry came to see me,

Henry Grant. He's a man.

Remember when a man came
to see me last night?

Well, that was Henry,
you see, his father and i

were great pals,
devoted to one another.

Come and sit down,
sweetie, come on.

Now, you see,
Henry's engaged to a girl,

absolutely mad about her,
but for some reason or other

the silly little thing's
fallen in love with me.

Well, you know how those
things go. Come here, darling.

Come here, sit down,
you see, he begged me to come

down here and disillusion her.
No decent man could refuse.

And when i got here,
what did i find?

She was the same girl who was

in my dressing room last night.

Isn't that funny? Ha ha.
Wait a minute, dear!

Well, you see, so that's
what i've been doing.

I've been making her
fall out of love with me!

- So there you are.
- I think i'm going to scream.

Now, now, now, be careful,
there are guests here, dear.

I'm sure i'm going
to scream. [screams]

[screaming]

Honey, please, behave
yourself, remember, your acids.

- You leave my acids out of this!
- Oh, darling, look here, listen.

I've been doing this
for several reasons.

For a friend, for you,
to make myself...

Oh, well you wouldn't
understand anyway.

I'm going, goodbye!

You are the cause of all this.

[birds chirping]

Shut up!

Digges, my taxi's gone,
where is it?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Ms. Joyce, let me explain.

- I said where's my taxi?
- Oh, I paid him off.

- Miss, I want you to stay.
- Well, I'll order another one.

- Joyce, please listen to me.
- No.

- What am i going to do, Digges?
- Oh, follow her, sir.

Never let her out of your sight.

If i were the woodpecker, I'd...

-[birds chirping] - Shut up!

[Marcia] Basil, wait a minute!

- I forgive you.
- You what?

I forgive you,
you couldn't help it

if you met her
before you met me.

Well, have you no shame?

Not since you showed
me you loved me!

I don't love you,
it was purely platonic.

Not that kiss, that wasn't
platonic, you can't fool me!

Listen, I hate to bring this up,
but i am married you know.

Oh, you're just being
chivalrous about

your wife
and i admire you for it.

Well, you'll have to let me go
now. We'll discuss this later.

[guests chattering]

Here, have you seen a madwoman
around here somewhere?

- Which one, sir?
- Well, I mean the lady who--

If you mean, Mrs. Underwood,
sir, she's in your room.

- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Basil?

Are you trying to run away
from me by any chance?

Oh, my dear little girl, I...

You can't kiss me like that

and have it mean nothing!

Joyce, you open this door!

You locked the door
on me last night.

A ridiculous thing like
this can't go on forever.

I agree with you.

I'm leaving just as soon
as i can get a taxi.

Joyce, I'm a desperate man,
if you don't open

this door, I'll kill myself!

Good, let's have
blood and destruction!

Open this door,
I'll do it this minute!

Wait, wait, you should send

for your press agent,
and the photographers!

You know we can't let a thing
like this happen in secret.

This is your last chance!

Are you gonna open this door?

- No.
- All right.

Then i'm reaching for my gun.

Wait, wait, let me see, I think

the trigger
is near the back end.

Very well,
but remember this, woman,

I died with your
name on my lips.

Goodbye, Joyce, goodbye!

-[crashing]
-[shouting]

Oh, Basil.

- Basil, darling!
- Now, listen, baby.

- Now, this isn't really--
- You cad!

You can't even be on the level
about killing yourself!

Joyce, darling, you must
believe me. I did this for you.

I'll spare you wading through
that again. I played in it too.

-"The Loving Triangle".
- Yes, that's what it is!

You even get your alibis
out of plays these days!

Joyce, dear, Joyce, Digges!

Yes, sir,
shall i pack or unpack?

Neither, go and get Mr. Grant

and bring him back here at once!

Now, you're going
to grovel in apology!

[coughing] And your...

Yes, but who insulted who?

Oh, Basil Underwood, he's
a perfectly horrible creature.

- He isn't either?
- Who isn't?

- Basil Underwood, he is too.
- Oh, I give up.

- Marcia, I want to talk.
- I want to speak to you.

I'll bet you deliberately sent
for his wife to come here.

- I did not.
- Whose wife?

- Basil's wife.
- Oh, is he married?

Well, he couldn't very well
have a wife if he weren't.

Mr. Henry, Mr. Underwood

urgently wishes to see you
at once, sir.

Oh. Oh, all right.

Well, why should
he want to see Henry?

Oh, please,
don't bother me, father.

I'm upset enough already!

I'm going to prove
to you that you're

doing me a grave injustice!

Oh, Henry, come in here.

There's a little matter
i want you to settle.

My wife, bless her heart,

is a nasty, suspicious female.

- Joyce, this is Mr. Grant.
- How do you do?

Now, Henry, is it not
a fact that last night you came

to see me and arranged
for me to come down here

and disillusion
your fiancé, Ms. West,

from her attachment to me,
and you prepare to blush.

- Isn't that so, Henry?
- No!

- What? You mean yes.
- A ha!

There isn't a word
of truth in it, Mrs. Underwood.

- That's all i wanted to know.
- This man's a liar.

You mean he refused to be one.

Darling, there's another reason.

I was ashamed to tell
you in the garden,

but i really did this for you.

- In the garden? That was for me?
- Yes.

Well, that was just
a temporary relapse

but i came down here

to make myself
a better man for you.

That's too funny, ha, ha, ha!

First it was for Henry, now
it's for me. Who next, Basil?

Darling, I'm pleading
with you, I love you, sweet.

- You've got to help me now.
- Yes.

Basil?

- Basil, I'll help you.
- You will!

- Yes, yes.
-[chuckles]

Yes, this is one of the times
when i'd adore to help you.

[laughing]

- Wonderful.
-[laughs]

I don't like the
way she's laughing.

Well, a fine worm
you turned out to be!

Well, what did
you expect me to say

after we agreed to
keep it a secret?

That's the way you
repay a friendship?

Well, I don't want
it to get it about

that i need help
to keep my girl.

- Pack the bags, Digges.
- Are you sure, Sir?

- Immediately!
- What are you going to do?

We are now going home,
Digges, and we'll postpone

our reforming
to some future time.

At least it'll make
Joyce realize

that this problem child
means nothing to me.

But you can't go now. She's more
in love with you than ever.

- That's your funeral.
- You don't know her like i do.

She's liable to kick over
the traces and follow you.

Pack the... Oh, you're doing it,
that's fine.

Goodbye!

[instrumental music]

I'm terribly sorry for
the heartache i've caused you

but it was something
beyond the control

of either Basil or myself.

We were helpless to
fight against it.

Yes, yes, I understand.

Love swept you along
like leaves in the wind.

Yes. Oh, I'm so glad
you understand!

Are you so desperately
in love with him, my dear?

I think he's wonderful.

He's so, he's so
different from other men.

He's so, well, I don't
think there are words

to describe him, do you?

Well, there probably
are but one would have

to have a very
extensive vocabulary.

- Oh, get me a taxi, will you?
- Yes, sir.

[instrumental music]

This must be very
painful for you.

You must love him too.

Well, my feeling
for him is indescribable.

But stronger than my love
for him is my desire,

to see that the dear
boy gets what he wants.

Yes.

What are you two talking about?

Oh, Basil, you married

the most marvelous woman.

She has such understanding.

I can hardly wait to
tell everybody about it.

Tell 'em what?

What were you talking about?

- You.
- What about me?

You and love.

Why are you grinning
like a Berkshire kitten?

- Cheshire, darling.
- Well, Cheshire then.

- I do resent being called a cat.
- I called you a kitten.

- Well, kittens turn into cats.
- Well, never mind about that.

Well, why are you
grinning so maliciously?

Because i'm so happy for you.

She's such a dear sweet
girl and she worships you.

Oh, you're going to
be ecstatically happy.

What do you mean?

You're going to vibrate
with laughter when i tell you.

Yes, well tell me,
let me start vibrating.

Well, it's merely that i...

- I agreed to divorce you.
- You what?

Agreed to divorce you,
and we aren't even married.

You see, I said i'd help you.

Joyce, dear, please,
listen, I'm eating humble pie.

I'd love to see you
eat humble please.

Oh, please don't go
on with it, Joyce.

Listen, my pet,
and listen carefully,

for these are probably
the last few words

I shall ever say to you.

For longer
than i care to remember,

you have been prancing along
with your gay charming way

and not giving much of
a darn on what you stepped.

There was always
springtime in your heart.

And if you paused
to pluck a few

romantic posies by the path

who was there to blame you?

Joyce, please.

There was always
only little Joyce.

Obliging little Joyce to
get you out of your scrapes.

Credulous little Joyce who
believed the utterest nonsense.

Jealous little Joyce
who was a joy to torment.

Nasty-tempered little Joyce
who was fun to fight with.

Faithful little Joyce to whom
you could always come home.

Now Joyce,
this isn't fair you know.

But you've plucked
your last posy, my lad.

For i'm going to see that
you keep this one forever.

I'm going to tell you
exactly what you're life

is going to be like.

You're going to have
love for breakfast,

and love for lunch,
and love for dinner.

Sweet, sticky, sugary worship.

You're going to live
on a steady diet of it

until you're ready to scream.

You're going to long for a good
brawl, but she won't fight.

You're going
to struggle to escape,

but she'll never let
you away from her.

And it's just exactly
what you deserve, you...

You billy goat!

Joyce! Joyce, Joyce!

Have some mercy,
you've got to save me from her.

-[laughs]
- Joyce, please.

Oh, dear, Mr. West, you're just

the person
I've been looking for.

- Who, me?
- You.

- Would you show me your garden?
- Well.

And the darling aviary?

With pleasure.

I don't know why you businessmen
appeal to me so much.

Unless it's because you're
so different from actors.

Well, well. [chuckles]

Basil. You know
what gardens are, don't you?

Wouldn't it be amusing if i came
back as your mother-in-law?

Bye.

- Digges?
- Yes, sir?

Unpack the bags.

Yes, sir.

Digges, we're in a pickle.

Oh, if you'd only
listened to me, sir, we'd...

Oh, never mind, sir.

We've been in
and out of it before.

Not this kind of
a pickle, this is a pickle!

We've done our best to fulfill
our obligation to Mr. Henry.

I'm not thinking of Mr. Henry.

I'm not even thinking of the
salvation of my immortal soul.

The thing has got
far beyond that.

- Digges.
- Yes, sir?

Do you realize what my life
with that ingenue would be?

No, sir, what, sir?

Love for breakfast, love
for lunch, love for dinner!

Oh, horrible, sir.

I've gotta get
rid of her somehow.

Or Ms. Joyce is through with me.

And sloppy as it sounds,
I couldn't stand that.

I understand, sir,
underneath it all,

we are nuts about the girl.

Well, think, Digges, think!

Oh my mind's
a barren field, sir.

We've exhausted all
the possibilities

of "The Loving Triangle"
and to avail.

There must be something,
there must!

- There is, Digges!
- What's that, sir?

-"Alone in the City."
-[Laughs]

You're joking, sir,
not "Alone in the City".

- Alone in the City, Digges.
- But you can't, sir.

I must, a last desperate remedy
for a desperate situation.

Oh, but she's so
young, sir, so innocent.

Exactly, she'll flee
from me in terror.

This will do it, Digges.

You can pack the bags.

I won't!

[mid-tempo music]

Basil!

Oh, Basil!

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

- But...
- Oh, no, you don't.

Now, my proud beauty.

What are you doing?

Don't let me frighten you,
little girl.

I'm not frightened. I just want
to know what you're doing.

Some call it the fate
that is worse than death.

Oh, Basil, how wonderful!

- Excuse me, but i--
- Oh, my darling.

- Thank you very much, but i--
- Now, I know you love me!

I must have picked
the wrong play!

Oh, Basil!

Digges, let me
outta here, Digges!

Mother, mother!

Oh, this is the best
weekend party we've been to.

Why, it's even better than when
Mr. Morley killed his wife.

Gracie, why, what
are you saying, my dear?

Oh they're hugging
and kissing and--

- Who?
- Ooh, that man and your girl!

- What?
- Gracie!

[indistinct chatter]

Don't go!

My dear, girl,
where's your sense of humor?

Don't run away, Basil.

Oh.

[mellow music]

I wanna know what happened
between you and that ham?

Now, Henry, there's nothing
to get excited about.

If ever there was nobility,
I've seen it.

Nobility? Do you call that
nobility to break in here and--

Now, here i was, as weak
as water, but he was strong.

Strong!

Now there's simply
no use, Henry.

The man's proven to
me that he loves me.

I can never marry you now.

- But.
- Dinner is served.

[guests chattering]

Joyce, I've got to talk to you.

Still making her fall out
of love with you, Basil?

- Yes.
- Oh, the things you do for me.

I'd like to speak with you,
will you please follow me?

Oh, yes, I'm speaking to
practically anybody these days.

And practically
nobody's speaking to me.

- Oh, please, Ms. Joyce.
- Quiet, Digges.

Well, what do you want?

What are your intentions
concerning my daughter?

- None whatever.
- What's that?

Well, then you better
get some intentions.

You can't come here
and compromise her

and act as if it was
an everyday occurrence.

Look here, sir, no one can
compromise your daughter.

It's as much as i could do to
keep her from compromising me.

Clear out of here, pop,
I want to talk to this man.

Well, I'm already talking
to him about Marcia.

- Oh, but this is important.
- Well, isn't that important?

- Now, run along, dad, please.
- Not important.

I don't know
what the world's coming to.

Nothing's important anymore!

Now, Underwood, I know what
you've been up to all along.

Well, it's more than i do now.

You're trying to
steal her away from me.

You knew how this would work.

Henry, I give you
my sacred word of honor

I've done my utmost to
get this girl back to you.

The whole thing's been
a deliberate double cross.

If that's the kind of
a cad you think i am,

may you strike me
down where i stand.

You've had your turn,
you thespian fraud!,

now i'll do some acting.

So help me, he did it.

- What happened?
- I knocked him cold!

- Why this is terrible.
- He dislikes being knocked down.

Ms. Paisley, let's have dinner.

Oh, are you hurt, sir?

Digges, will you stop making
those silly bird noises.

You must have been reading
some very bad fiction.

Is that so?
Basil, tell her the truth.

Didn't i arrange for
you to come down here

and disillusion her?

- No.
- What?

I knew it, I knew it.

Now, you get out of that one.

- Digges!
- They're packed, sir.

Come on, Digges!

Do a good deed daily
and sleep in the dog house.

Before we left, sir,
I took the liberty

of assuring her of our devotion.

She said she wouldn't come back,

but there was an unhappy
look in her eyes, sir.

- There was?
- Yes, but definitely, sir.

Well, I hold out very
little hope, Digges.

[instrumental music]

- Ain't you Basil Underwood?
- Hmm, yes, yes.

See here, I took
my wife to see you in Hamlet

and ever since then
i can't do anything with her.

It's too bad.

Oh, I know it ain't your fault.

You can't help it if you
look that way in tights.

No, I don't suppose I can.

Say, I was wondering if as
a personal favor you'd come over

at the house and help
me straighten her out?

- What?
- You know, sort of cure her.

No!

There's a heel for ya.

Well, here we are.

And where are we?

It's just you and i alone

together from now on,
old fellow.

I shall do my best, sir.

I don't know what
i'd do without you, Digges.

Oh, you're too good to me, sir.

No, Digges, I'm not
good enough for you.

No, sir, it's i who's not
good enough for you, sir.

I wonder.

Digges, she's here!

- Come on now!
- Hello!

Don't you hello me, goodbye!

I knew you'd follow me here!

Now, look here,
you stubborn girl.

- Do you want to compromise me?
- Yes.

You go right home
where you belong!

- This is where i belong.
- Please.

Think of what
your father would say.

Think of poor Henry.

- He's here, sir.
- Who's here?

- Mr. Henry, sir.
- I've left.

Tell him we're not at home.

He says, if you don't go
out he'll come in.

- Oh, he does, eh?
- Yes.

Ah, yes, she's yours, Digges.

Throw her out of the window,

put her down the fire escape.

I don't... And unpack the bags.

Henry?

If she's here, I hope
i drop dead on this spot!

- I know she's here.
- Now, Henry.

Are you hinting that i'm a liar?

I'm not hinting anything,
I'm stating a fact.

But that's not what
i came to see you about.

Oh, isn't it? Well, I'm glad
to see you, old boy.

Underwood, a man
can fight so long

and then he has to give up.

Yes, I'm beginning to come to

that bitter conclusion myself.

So i've come to wish you

both the very best of luck.

Henry, I hope you don't
mean what i think you do.

- She's yours, I give her to you.
- Please don't give her to me.

- I don't want her.
- But she wants you.

- Well, she can't have me.
- She's got you.

This isn't fair, after all I did

this thing as a favor for you.

Because i thought it was
the decent thing to do.

You can't reward me by
leaving me holding the bag.

Don't you refer to
Marcia in that way.

I thought you were
in love with the girl?

- So i am.
- Well, take her away, Henry.

No, Underwood,
I love her too much.

All i want
is for her to be happy.

I couldn't marry her
with her in love you.

I couldn't bear the hurt look
that would be in her eyes.

Wait a minute,
stop playing my part!

I'm supposed to be
the self-sacrificing

hero in this piece!

[Marcia] Henry.

Do you really love me so much?

- Why, of course i do.
- Of course he does.

Will you shut up?
You meddlesome old nuisance.

Who asked you to interfere
with our affairs anyway?

- She's absolutely right.
- Well, I like that.

- Why you, you--
- You leave Henry out of this.

If you had any sense,
you would have realized

that i'd have forgotten
about you in two weeks!

I was in love with Clark Gable
last year, and if i could get

over him, it's a cinch
i could get over you.

Who's Clark Gable?

- He doesn't know Clark Gable.
- I do.

Listen, I'm sick of being
in the middle

of all this, I only did it--

I know why you did it,
I heard every word you said.

I've studied psychology.

You did it because
you're an exhibitionist.

All actors are exhibitionist
and you're just an actor.

- Just an actor.
- Not a very good one either.

My dear little ninny,
we're all actors.

- Henry just played a big scene.
- Shakespeare again.

Yes, a genius
who wrote many truths.

And nothing truer than,
"All the world's a stage

"and all men and
women merely players.

"They have their exits
and their entrances,

"and one man in his
time plays many parts.

"His act being seven ages.

"At first the infant, mewling
and puking in the nurse's arms.

"And then the whining
schoolboy with his satchel

"and shining morning face,
creeping like a snail

"unwillingly to school.

"And then the lover,
sighing like a furnace,

"with the woeful ballad made
to his mistress's eyebrow.

"Then a soldier,
full of strange oaths,

"and bearded like the pard.

Jealous in honor, sudden
and quick in quarrel.

"Seeking the bubble reputation
even in the cannon's mouth.

"And then the justice,

"with eyes severe and
beard of formal cut.

"Full of wise saws
and modern instances.

"So he plays his part.

"The sixth scene shifts into
the lean, slipper'd pantaloon

"with spectacles on
nose and pouch on side.

"His youthful hose, well saved,

"a world too wide for
his shrunk shank,

and his big, manly voice turning
again to a childish treble."

- Boy, what a ham.
-[laughs]

"Last scene of all,

"that ends this strange
eventful history.

"Is second childishness
and mere oblivion.

"Sans teeth, sans eyes,

sans taste, sans everything."

- What, no audience?
-[applauds]

A magnificent performance, sir.

- Thank you, Digges.
-[sighs]

Would you please give me
my bill, I'm checking out.

I'm sorry to hear that,
Ms. Arden.

Place won't seem
the same without you.

Dearest, will you ever
be able to forgive me?

Darling, it's you
who must forgive me.

I hate to bring you
back to earth, folks,

but this is the ground floor.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Underwood.

Well, hello.

Have you two?

- Yes, we have.
- Yes, we have.

You may have your husband
back now, Mrs. Underwood,

though how you can
endure him is beyond me!

Of all the meddlesome,
impertinent, conceited--

Now, now, now, darling,
remember, he was on

the level about
getting us back together again.

Don't be silly, Henry. All this
stuff you've been telling me

about his doing you a good
turn and making himself

a better man
is fantastic nonsense.

I never want to
hear his name again.

You're a very sweet person,
Mrs. Underwood.

And believe me,
you have all my sympathy.

- Thank you. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

You know, Digges, the
gloomy conviction is settling

upon me that i was
a far happier man

before i became
a reformed character.

Ah, but at least we have
the satisfaction

of knowing that today
you're a man, sir.

You're on the credit
side of the ledger, sir.

That's no satisfaction at all.

Yes, sir, but before you
started this moral reformation

you may have been
a bit of a bad odor.

But now, you have
a perfume as sweet

as the lilies of the field.

Yes, and who wants to smell me?

Yes, you have me there, sir.

Digges, my boy,
Ms. Joyce and i may have

had our little differences,
perhaps eight or nine a month,

but in the main we were happy.

Do you realize that
this silly business

has lost me the one woman
in the whole cockeyed world

that i can't live with out?

Basil.

- Joyce!
- No!

Now, now, don't move.

Just let me look at you.

What is it, darling?

There's something about
you that's so different.

I don't know what it is,
but you seem like a new man.

- You can see it?
-[Joyce] Oh, yes, yes.

I can, really i can.

Oh, and i thought
it was all inside.

No.

Of course, maybe
it's just the lighting,

but there seems to be
a halo around your head.

And i did it all for you.

- Sweetheart.
- Darling.

- Pack the bags, Digges.
- What, sir?

- Pack the bags!
- What, again, sir?

Yes. We're flying to
Las Vegas to get married.

Oh, but you don't need clothes
to get married, sir.

- Pack the bags!
- Oh, perhaps Digges doesn't

feel like packing the bags.
Don't do it, Digges.

I'll trouble you not to
interfere. Go on, pack the bags!

- Well, Digges may be tired.
- Well, so am i!

Well, after all there's a limit
to any man's endurance.

Hey, it's a pity you don't
remember that sometimes.

Well, that's a fine
way to talk to me!

- All right, don't get excited.
- I'm not excited!

Who's excited?

After all, Washington
did free the slaves!

What's that got to do with it?

I give the orders because
i pay the man his salary!

And a very meager one too,
a mere pittance!

Money again,
you mercenary little biddy!

On the contrary,
I'm the soul of generosity!

Digges, your salary is doubled!

Digges, your salary
is cut in half!

Oh, you're the meanest most

contemptible man i ever married.

- What did you say to me?
- Oh, you...

- Darling.
- Oh, my sweet!

This is the life, eh, Digges!

I wouldn't know, sir.

[crying]

[orchestral music]

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