Original subtitles

My coach always told me that in order to achieve success, you must visualize

your dream.

But more importantly, you have to believe it.

For me, that vision has always been clear.

NBA superstar.

And married to Kim.

The love of my life.

If this all sounds far -fetched to you, you probably haven't seen me play.

My name is Chris Long.

And tonight, I realize my destiny.

But on his way out, there goes the Grim Reaper again. They put him in the

Coliseum to be through for the line. But he cut right to him like the man on

fire. With my heart to lead at night, he bought through all the riots. One bad

man most gave the note to the choir. It was all of a mortal, but this world was

steeped in the royal bloodline. It was back to the people of New York. And look

at this crowd, Dick. The feeling here is electric. All in anticipation for this

epic showdown between L .A. Tech and Rock Ball's pioneers.

But the big story here is the heroic...

He will easily go top five in the draft this year. Top five?

What's wrong with you? How about the top pick? How do you spell MVP?

Chris Long.

Watch out, NBA.

Here comes Long.

Okay, Kim is a hoe for sure.

Chris is so much better than Kim. Okay, settle down, girls.

Brittany, it's your turn. Truth or dare?

Truth. Who would you rather fuck?

David Beckham, Tom Brady, or Chris Long? Die, Chris Long.

Would you listen to this crowd, Bob? They love this kid.

Oh, Dick, it looks like it's his knee. This could be serious.

This is a crack in the team's armor they do not need right now. Oh, this hurts

just to look at.

Meepo.

What are you doing?

Thought you weren't supposed to be back for another hour.

What's with the suitcase?

Don't be so emotional, Chris.

I'm not being emotional.

I don't have time for this. Daddy's waiting, but everything's in the notes.

Whoa, whoa, Kim, slow down.

What's going on? Where are you going? You have three and a half years of

left. This is your dorm room.

You're an art major.

I thought you loved my paintings.

Yuck. Kim, you can't listen to what coaches and doctors and physical

and everyone else at this school says. I'm getting drafted.

That's illusional. Wake up.

Kim!

Kim! Wake!

All right, Mr. Long.

So, yeah, over here.

That was my boss on the phone. Sorry that took so long.

Not just your thing. I've got a sexual harassment suit thing against me.

Whatever, you know. Bitches be crazy, you know.

Bitches also don't like being called bitches in the boardroom. So, you live

you learn. Anyway, good news for you. He actually thinks you look like a

professional basketball player. Awesome.

So... Does that mean I get the loan? What? No. God, no. Not even.

Were you serious about that? No. You have no assets to speak of besides the

of your balls for even asking for that amount of money. In fact, he takes it as

a real estate scam. No, no, no, no, no. It's not a scam.

Okay. And look,

I need this loan, okay?

I owe a lot of rent and... Oh, well then, here, take the money, you know?

do you... No, it's no, it's no. I don't know where you're from, but this is

America, okay?

And in America, financial institutions work with rules and regulations, you

know? It keeps us out of economic... I mean, actually, it led to economic

destruction right now, currently. That's on us.

Admittedly, but we've learned probably a lot of it was from giving loans to

people like you let's be honest I'm just saying and I don't appreciate the death

there by the way So you could put that in your pocket as you leave, but look

okay?

I understand all right You're desperate if I can offer you some advice if you

wouldn't mind just one guy to another okay?

Get the fuck out of my office

Hello?

Excuse me?

Hello? We need some help here.

So many membership packages.

We, like, don't know what we want.

Oh, my God.

You look so familiar.

Where did you know him from? I think he was at the club last week, remember?

No, he wasn't at the club. Oh, we saw him at the market, remember?

He was at the salad bar.

Oh, my God.

No, wait.

You played for LA Tech, didn't you?

OMG.

You're that basketball guy, right?

Can I help you, ladies?

Wait, so...

end up in here?

Yeah, you work here now?

I, like, totally do work here. Isn't that, like, crazy?

Are you mocking us?

God, this is the rudest gym we've ever been to. The rudest?

You need deodorant.

Elvira wants her hairdo back.

Excuse me, sir lady. Hi, I'm Macy. Hi, sir.

Holy bejesus, Chris. You really gave it to him, huh?

Bitches, right?

Amen, brother.

Are you going to let him speak to our customers like that? Customers? They

didn't buy anything. Did they buy anything? How are we supposed to get

business with you scaring everybody off? Did you really want the Hilton freaks

working out here, Missy? The bitches have money. So, yeah.

I don't give a fuck if they want to snort lines in the sauna.

Well, thank you for your input. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back

to some work. You don't need me staring at that skinny bitch's Facebook face

again. Me home.

You need to go out and get laid for Christ's sake. Let a girl play with your

dick for all of our benefits.

Newsflash, I make minimum wage, which makes me about as attractive to women as

yeast infection.

You're disgusting.

You're disgusting.

What's up, dick spit?

See the numbers on my YouTube video?

I'm up to 104 views.

About to make that sneezing panda my bitch.

Bro, you're getting the floor all wet. Getting the kitchen all ugly.

Hey, Chris.

Don't you fucking talk to her. I'm not even talking to you. You're getting

with me, man. I'm an orange belt. I'll make you my prison bitch.

Are we done?

I'm never done, Chris. I got 20 more laps and an hour more worth of legs. And

I'm not going to stop until I feel like I'm back in college and there's a

fucking party in the quad.

God, I love Mondays.

Hello,

Chris.

You look a little bit down. Maybe I can cheer you up with a little bit of a tap

dance.

What are you doing?

I have an audition as a British tap dancer.

How'd I do?

Have you tried that maximum strength any person?

Yes, I have tried it.

Paycheck time!

What do you got to say about sports?

You know, I've been hit with a few dodgeballs back in my time.

You should get a hoop out back, huh?

Play a little b -ball.

I don't play basketball anymore, Todd.

Why not?

I used to hear about you all the time.

Chris Long scores 30.

Chris Long's unstoppable.

Might as well say you were the best.

He's excited to know that we're on the same team now.

Pardon me?

Who's that guy?

Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy.

Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy.

Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy. Jack -Guy.

Jack -Guy.

Jack -Guy.

Are you getting fired?

Big changes are coming, Todd.

It's going to be awesome.

Oh, can you change the lock on that?

I'm going to head to Starbucks for a green tea latte.

I'll be back in 20 -ish, all right?

Oh, Smitty!

What the hell's going on?

You hit that club last night? I heard it was hopping.

What's up? You tell us, motherfucker.

We have a new owner. What about your dad?

He, uh, said he was tired of losing money on a business just to keep me

employed, and he wishes he would have strapped up 30 years ago.

Well, we can't be fired. In this freaking economy, no one is hiring. And

because I tried to find extra work. Okay, calm down. Nobody's getting fired.

Uh, Todd, who is this Jack Guy guy anyway? You stinky pig. Do you realize

have a business unattended, outside, anybody care? And your gross sewage

are leaking stank into my salon.

That's all I heard. Take the dick out of your ears, genius, okay?

Because, Todd, I told you last week. I told you the week before that. And you

told them the week before that, too.

Beach. Beach.

Really. Okay? People love the beach.

Welcome to America, bitch.

Oh, really?

Ironic. Coming from a girl that looks like a chihuahua.

What is this, West Side Story?

Did you guys worry about this? Well, if you put this much effort into your

goddamn gym, it wouldn't suck so fucking bad, all right?

Yeah, he felt motherfucking good. You know that. Much better.

Did you know he currently holds the title of world's first ever male

He dated Kate Beckinsale, Cameron Diaz, and he's currently married to Adriana

Lima. To a Victoria's Secret supermodel?

I bet even his dick is a six -pack.

And he's an all -Ivy League quarterback for Yale. Record breaker.

28 touchdowns in one game.

How do you know all this?

I Google, Facebook, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered him.

Look, he told me.

Holy Sherlock.

Check her out, home.

Whoa.

Look at that slippery fuck toy.

Uh, yeah, what I would do to her would be illegal in those states.

Holy shit.

This guy's got some moves.

I mean, gay nameth.

But I can tell you exactly what he's saying.

Hi, I'm Jack. Jack Guy. My dimples could cure cancer.

I'm a supermodel and I throw footballs really far.

Oh my god, your name's so cool.

Your wallet's... I promise, if you treat me like shit, I'll love you forever.

This is right, dude. You need therapy.

Bro, you wear a Speedo. Did you guys hear the good news?

We're gonna be on TV!

I have been training three years for Ninja Warrior. Out of the way, I'm doing

legs.

It'll be like The Office, except we're in a gym.

So those are the basics of the reality show.

The less you know, the better.

I want to be clear on one thing.

We are a team. We have no favorites.

Everyone will get plenty of screen time.

And I'd like the world to get to know each and every one of you.

Because I sense greatness in this room.

I have a question.

What if we don't want our lives on display?

Everybody loves the limelight. And the best part about this, this is only the

beginning of the dumbbells experience.

Dumbbells. That's our new name.

Dumbbells. 25 -8.

25 -8? Exactly.

Because 24 -7 is for pussies. Wear dumbbells all the time. Speak for

So, does that mean we get extra hours?

Negativo. Operating hours remain the same. So then how can we be called 25

Perception.

is reality dumbbells 25 8 but we're still open from 6 to 9 wow actually

today's economy reality shows have proven to be a viable mechanism to

business profits by as much as 300 percent like so it's a 10 precisely

percent and speaking of percentages i'm gonna need everybody to give that a

little bit extra so if you've been at 100 i need you at 150 and if you've been

at 10 i suggest a complete Attitude adjustment.

Attitude adjustment?

Ten fucking percent?

Okay, so now Mr. Hollywood says we won't get any extra pay or benefits for being

on the show. And he wants us to sign some bullshit contract.

Contract? Don't sign no contract.

I quit. I am fucking done.

I would rather deliver pizza for Domino's than work for Captain Fuckwad.

I still have to call it a day. I thought about going pro, but I had so many

modeling offers, I figured, you know, why wait?

Cliff, can I help you?

Actually, it's Chris.

He's good -looking. I feel like that cheesy, washed -up daytime television

opera star. Too bad he's also married.

I know.

Hey, Jack, can I get your help out back?

There's shit everywhere.

Oh, hey, I'm Todd. Hi, I'm Jack's niece, Rachel.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Chris, my office, ten minutes sharp.

Todd, move. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God.

You're weak.

Jack? Yeah?

You wanted to see me?

Yes. I want in.

Guy, look in the back.

No, no, take a seat. Are you sure?

Yeah, sit down.

We need to talk.

First and foremost, I've got two troubling words for you. Jack.

I'm sorry?

Cockblock.

So you were hitting on your niece?

It's a metaphor.

This show is like my fat, pulsating cock.

And nobody's going to block it.

And, Mr. Smart Alec, you didn't know she was my niece. Jack. But nothing, tall

guy. Todd told me you were some sort of hot shot hoop star back in the day.

That's great. I was an athlete too. But I guess your coach didn't teach you

about a little thing known as teamwork.

Jack. You go outside right now and you ask ten people, even girls, if they like

a cock block.

And you're going to get ten no's. Jack.

I just wanted to say bye. Rach.

6 a .m.? 6 a .m. Sharp.

Wow, cool fish.

You like it?

Yeah. Take it. It's yours.

What? Really? Yeah, well, I think it was Todd that was going to be thrown out.

Consider it to be my gift to you for helping out on the show.

Thanks. Oh, cool.

So I'll see you bright and early, okay?

Yeah. All right.

Jack, Chris, let me make it really simple for you. Okay, buddy.

Either you're a cock block or a dumbbell.

You need to choose.

Hey, look who's here.

Good morning, dumbbell.

So, check out the new unis.

Not bad, huh?

You gotta go three minutes late so you get the sleeves.

So what do you think?

You don't waste any time.

Yep.

Dreams do come true.

Hey.

I'm glad he didn't pull LeBron on his teammate.

That's me. Go team.

Come on.

Let's do this.

Day one of the rest of your life.

Small. Thank you, Jack Guy.

Really? Come on. Who sweats this

much?

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

What sweating problem?

Feels so good to work out high.

What's up, Enrique and Gatius?

What are you doing in the gym during serious training hour?

Filming a show, right?

So when do you want to film the show?

Bobby, leave me alone.

Oh,

I got it. What are you getting at about? You want to finger Jack's niece under a

blanket. Oh, I guess you made up with my uncle.

Hi. Wow, you look... fit.

Okay, this is awkward. Great compliment.

So, you're the Chris Long.

You didn't think I'd figure it out, did you?

I didn't really take you for the basketball fan.

Wait, basketball? No, I was referring to the fish.

The fish.

It was signed Chris Long.

The painting.

Right. Right, yes.

Duh. Wow, I'm impressed. I can't believe you were able to...

Read my signature. Most people tell me it just looks like a C with a star.

Good morning, everyone.

Welcome to the Dumbbells Experience.

But first, I'd like us all to give a big, warm Dumbbells welcome to our very

Dumbbell Girl.

And I'd also like us to give a big hand to our very acclaimed director, famous

for the award -winning short, I think it's HPV, Mr.

Sterling LeBeouf -Jones.

Hello.

Hello.

So now we're going to do a little b -roll. So please, do me a favor. Just

up. Work out.

And most importantly, just mingle.

Pretend like we're not even here.

So remember, it's all about looking hot.

So don't sweat.

All right, dumbbells team out. Let's do this.

So we're partners, right?

Yes. Yes.

Yes, we are.

Yeah. Sorry.

That's cool. Yeah.

I went to law school for a few years, and then I thought to myself, why the

am I doing this? I hate this. But I discovered what I loved, which was

psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy? Yeah. I'm going to be a therapist.

Really? Yeah.

Really. Why? You sound surprised.

No, it's just funny because people are always telling me that I need therapy

every day, and you need therapy.

Great stuff. Keep going. I love the honesty.

Physical therapy. I mean, and that is why I work out here.

Let's catch them both!

Can you believe this shit?

Yeah, it's a total exploitation of women.

I'm talking about grief.

He's actually talking to her as if she's a person.

And what I want to know is, other than adorable fish, what else do you paint?

Um, I don't really paint that much anymore.

Well, you're good. You should keep at it.

Are you drinking soda?

Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't put that shit in my body.

I'm downing some cock.

Cellular oxygen creatine. A liquid formula that triples my amino acid

circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five.

Plus it tastes like cherries.

Woohoo! Are we ready for the exciting part of the show?

In a few minutes, we'll begin the athletic competitions to determine the

the gym.

Yes! Yes! I'm fucking stoked!

But first, I'm very proud to introduce our very own celebrity host.

Drum roll, please.

With great pleasure, I would like to introduce the one.

Dion, the fabulous.

Fabulous!

I'm sexy.

I'm sexy.

I'm sexy.

She got a mean catwalk. But I got the eye of a tiger.

And I'm going to go hunting. We're going to be hunting.

We're going to fight.

Come on, baby. Let's work it out.

Let's bring this party to the floor.

She's sexy, sexy.

When she turns around.

She's sexy, sexy.

When she breaks it down.

She's sexy, sexy.

When she turns around.

Turns around.

Breaks it down.

Break it down. Break it down.

Eric, listen, I told you many times, I don't want to do that reality TV show

with the Kardashians. Besides, the only good reality TV they make is when they

make porn.

You know what, Chris?

This is only the beginning.

You're getting in the ground, so my goal... This would be the Coca -Cola of

film industry.

What?

But there's not too much paint.

The lights look great. What are you talking about? Don't tell me it's not

artistic.

Look, I've got a show to run.

You ready, big guy?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, don't feel like you have to do this, all right? Because I know my

uncle can be a bit overzealous.

Well, I appreciate that.

But I think I can handle a little reality show competition.

You know, Sigmund Freud said that the ego is not the master in its own house.

I thought he said the rhythm is going to get you.

Be careful, all right?

Did she just imply that I have an ego?

A little bit.

Okay, guys.

Let's have a good time. Let's have some fun. But most importantly, don't fuck up

my shit.

We can't do that.

It's television.

The girls have to wear underwear.

Are you crazy?

A -E -I -O -U.

You ready, Bob?

Oh, yeah. Just give me a minute.

Oh, excuse me, Chris.

It's time.

Oh, hello, America.

Fabio here.

Welcome to Dumbbell 25 -8. Let's meet our first contestants.

One is a wannabe actor. The other one, a washed -up hook star.

They must remain in their position known as the breakdown fan.

Do not stop. Do not stand up. Ready? And go!

um

You're a fuck.

You're an illusion.

Wake up!

And the winner is Gwen Lincoln!

Where's your pussy?

You alright?

Fabio's kind of a dick, huh?

Don't beat yourself up. I thought you did great in there. Right. Look at the

bright side.

You have a bad knee, yet you still competed.

So what did you do? Did you try rehabilitating it?

I did. I had some of the best physical therapists there were, actually.

And I was making really good progress. The Miami Heat even invited me to their

summer league.

Wow, that's amazing.

It was. It really was.

Until dinosaur -looking Chris Bach.

stepped on my left ankle and made me fall on my face in front of Pat Riley

the whole coaching staff.

They cut me the next day.

The truth is I was never better than 50 % after my injury.

Strange how life takes us in directions we least expect, huh? Tell me about it.

Okay.

Bullseye.

Here we go.

Did Chris Bosh step on your hand, too?

Oh, wow.

Someone is hilarious, huh?

Hey, turn face.

Some icky blonde tramp just threw up in front of my salon. And we can hear your

music blasting. Ivana.

You know what? I'm going to go. Hello. You're leaving? Yeah. Hello. I have some

schoolwork. You know what? You can talk to your girlfriend.

Later, okay?

Ivana, listen, okay? I know when you were a little brat, your dad gave you

the puppies and ponies you wanted, but in the adult world, you can take a time

fucking out.

You know what? Time fucking in, mister, okay? Because it wasn't a pony. It was a

stallion. His name was Prancer, and he was perfect.

And now he's dead, so fuck you.

Jack. Chris.

What are you still doing here? I was just using the internet. I didn't

anyone was still here.

You're doing the internet at home?

Well, I kind of haven't paid the bill in like seven months, so no.

Ah, money problems, huh?

Well, you know what they say.

Mo' money, mo' problems.

Yeah, what do they say about no money?

Excuse me.

Hola.

Maria, que tal?

Por favor, tome un queso de 2X del garaje.

Fantástico. Had us in 40 algunos amigos al venir este fin de semana.

Sí, Han Solo.

Muchas gracias, Maria.

Buenas noches. Chao, chao. So you speak Spanish?

What a surprise.

Well, I did use the date, Sofia Vergara.

Your take comes with the package?

Fuck you.

Seriously.

I mean, what are you even doing here still?

Shouldn't you be at home, spooning with your Victoria's Secret supermodel wife?

Let me tell you something about me, Chris.

When I start filming something, I never leave base camp.

It's 25A, baby. Did you put a towel on?

You're not a locker room guy, huh?

More like not a cock -in -my -face guy.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't sound fine.

I know that look.

What's your name?

Jack. Come on, spill the beans.

You remind me of my friend Tantu.

Tantu? Tantu Tantu Tinto Kinko, my Native American friend.

He was the chef of the local diner on the reservation where I used to do my

sweat lodges with the Bee Gees. Let me tell you, nobody could poach an egg like

Tantu. And he used to always say that he was fine, but he wasn't.

I could see it all over his Indian face, and I see the same look on your face

right now, Chris.

Can you stop?

Just stop.

Okay, I have to do it.

Get comfortable, buddy.

What are you doing?

Bro, therapy saved my life.

Okay, and how does that apply to me? I don't need therapy.

What is with you people?

She said she loves me.

And she didn't love me.

She loved me. She didn't even say goodbye.

She loved a note.

It wasn't even grammatically correct.

And then I said, guess what, Tim? I don't want to play in the NBA anyway,

materialistic fuck.

Why don't you go wipe your teeth again? Why don't you throw up that hamburger in

the toilet again? You didn't think I could hear it? I could hear it every

I guess what bothers me the most is obsessively pondering over what I could

been. My true potential.

NBA star.

Happily married to Kim.

Or anything other than what I am now.

Chris, sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want in

discover who it is that we really are.

That's deep.

It's a magnet in my refrigerator.

$75 ,000.

Starting salary.

Sounds like a fucking bitch.

I just... I don't get her. Why now?

I mean, where's she been? And why do I still give a shit?

Don't beat yourself up, pal.

Every woman's got an agenda.

The question is whether it's the right one for you.

Did you say agenda?

That injury was the best thing that could ever happen to you. That injury

your life.

Ow.

Do you really think the two of you could ever have been happy together?

Yes.

No.

You know what?

You're right again. I don't need her.

And I don't need her daddy's money.

And I've got things going on in my life. I've got Jack Guy.

I've got Dumbbell 25 -8, right?

That's right, brother.

You know what?

I feel good right now.

I feel clear. I feel one with the universe or something. I feel taller.

I feel light.

Everybody should try therapy at least once.

It's not like people haven't tried to tell me that.

Especially Missy. Did you know that Missy and Dre take a two -hour bus ride

get here every day from downtown?

Really? I feel like I've been a jerk to those guys.

I feel like...

I want to do something nice for them. Well, we could start by brightening

day.

Hey, Doman, did you forget to lock the door open?

I was a little tipsy. Wait, do you hear me?

Now, baby, I'm sure.

And I just can't wait till the day. Good morning.

First, I'd like to say that I think you're both equally amazing. And I'm

sorry from the bottom of my heart for being an a -hole.

And I appreciate both of you.

You see, Missy, you are like my rock. You're my foundation that keeps me

And, Dre, you're like the rainbow that shines above those rocks. And not like a

gay rainbow, but a masculine rainbow with muted colors.

Who are you and what have you done with Greece?

Hey!

There he is!

Day two, baby!

Man, nice wheels.

Something wrong?

Yeah, you know what's wrong.

Your track bonds, you asshole.

What?

Well, there must be some mistake.

I mean, come on, Bob, you know I'm good for it. Listen, don't call me Bob.

Fabio. Fabio. Io.

Io. Io. Io, you idiot.

Fabio. Let's go inside. Everyone's waiting. You screw me over. And you know

what? Nobody talks with a bug.

I've got plenty of money in that account.

Fabio!

Let's just say the man has a vision.

Big changes are coming.

There's the genius!

Saul, where are you? I've got a big problem. Call me back.

What, uh, what's wrong?

Fabio quit.

Let me guess, there was too much dialogue for him.

Why, why, why, why did he quit? Because he's a dick.

And the check I wrote him bounced.

Oh. I called my money manager, Saul, but what it means is, you know, I've got to

send everybody home and still pay for them. All right, well, we'll find a new

host, right?

Chris, I just can't, like, go on the Internet to celebrityhost .com and push

button. It's not that easy, not to mention I've got the cast and crew here

two days. That's it. Well, let's take a time out and let's think about this, all

right? We need a host. We need a host. We need someone charming, someone

personable, someone who's not a dick.

Duh! Jack Guy.

You've done a million modeling campaigns.

You've traveled the world. You've always been in front of the camera. You should

host the show.

Well, I did get started on a soap opera once. That's what I'm talking about,

baby. Look out this window, all right? This is your vision, buddy.

We're all looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel.

And every reality tunnel is different.

Wikipedia says that Fabio's protein is better than water.

What's going on? Why is Jack getting concealer applied?

You know, perfect.

You ready to roll, Sterling?

Jack? Todd, what's up?

I was uploading,

trying to upload yesterday's footage to your Mac like you told me, but for some

reason it doesn't look like the footage actually recorded.

What?

Sterling, just hold on for a second. What do you mean it didn't record? How

could that be?

Did you know about this?

Does anyone here speak idiot?

Fuck it, all right? You know what? You need something done right, you got to do

it yourself. All right, just roll. Are you the owner of this establishment?

I am.

I'm with the Department of Health. And pardon the pun, you need to get your

together!

Have a nice day.

Hello,

America.

Why is it so fun being a dick?

Wouldn't want to be a pussy.

I can't work like this!

Everything's okay.

It's just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing.

Uncle Jack?

It's all hard to get a hold of. He travels a lot.

Are you okay?

Just having a few communication issues.

You know what I just thought of? Why don't you call Adriana? She would make a

perfect host.

Great idea.

Yeah, Adriana.

Adriana left me five months ago.

Oh.

Is this Octorian related?

Octorian?

He was in a cult for 20 years.

What, like a falsehood?

No, they worshipped a star called Octorus.

Oh. But he escaped.

Look at that.

See, things are already looking brighter.

And there he goes, folks. Money manager Saul Rosenblatt Steinberg is being

indicted on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme involving some of

biggest names, many of whom are linked to the alleged cult known as Arcturian

Lifestyles, which was first exposed by famous model and former member Jack Guy,

who was also a victim in this tragic turn of events.

Man, did he royally fuck those people.

Back to you in the studio, Bob.

Jack, are you okay?

You know, electronic toothbrushes are amazing.

I haven't had a coffee in over ten years, you know that?

Jack, sit with me. Talk to me.

What's up? Nothing wrong?

You tell me.

Tell him, too.

Andrea never loved me.

She bet she did, but she didn't.

She went away to a photo shoot. She never even came back.

She told them it was some German photographer with a ponytail.

Dirk. Dirk the jerk.

I didn't join the cult, mother.

No one joined the cult.

I was brainwashed.

I mean, my God.

They told me I was saving the world. They said, sign here. You'll help save

world. I signed.

What would you do?

Did they answer your question? Yes.

Yes! I did think the spaceships were coming!

I guess what bothers me the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously.

I mean, even in the cult, my nickname was Dipshit.

I remember the day I escaped.

February 2nd, Groundhog Day.

I was running buck naked through the forest with nothing but a squirrel pelt

my dignity to keep me warm, but I got away.

That was the first day that I...

Really questioned my decision to change my name to Jack Guy.

What's your real name?

Phil Wienerman.

Wait a second.

What should I call you, Jack or Phil?

I don't know.

Actually, I was thinking of changing my name again.

I always liked the name Jim.

Considering that you want to be taken seriously and you own a fitness club

Jim Guy...

Might not be the best option.

I'm just saying.

There you go.

Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for helping my uncle through this.

I know I can be a bit eccentric.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's my pleasure.

Well, you're sweet.

You're sweet, too.

Well, till next time.

Cool Vespa.

You know what? On Saturdays, we take the underprivileged kids that I work with

to the park to get some outdoor activity.

I was thinking maybe you could come by and show them some basketball moves or

something. Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Cool. So, um, Pan Pacific Park, 1 p .m. Pan Pacific Park, 1 p .m.

Once again, I'm really, really sorry. Due to my current financial situation

the failure of the reality show, why doesn't everyone just take the rest of

week off?

We'll plan a week and meet on Monday. But in light of everything that's

happened, unless some sort of miracle occurs, I strongly encourage everyone to

explore other employment opportunities.

Three days of working here and you get us shut down?

Lately things have been different.

Oh, maybe I just don't read it so well.

And what you want in an instant would stay with your eyes.

It's getting harder to tell.

And I want you to know I'm trying.

Trying to make that up.

You're early.

It's been a while. I figured I could use the practice.

Go.

Play some basketball.

All right, guys, back up. We're going to work on defense, okay?

Come on, let's see what you got. Look at your feet. There you go, get it. Get in

his face. Defense, defense.

Go for the shot.

Good defense, better offense.

Let's get two more. All right.

Oh!

Oh!

Everybody, show me your feet.

Back to back.

Let's do it.

What is that?

Oh, come on.

That's not fair.

Hey there.

Wow.

Aren't you amazing with the kids? Who knew?

Thank you.

Now that brings us to a little bit of a surprise that I have for you.

What? Ta -da.

I figured we'd have to eat, right?

Check it out.

Peach and raspberry cobbler pie.

Wow. Um, Chris.

Uh... Hey, Manny, what's up, buddy?

You're such a superstar player. How come you can't dunk?

Kids, right?

Well, uh, Manny, as you can see, I don't exactly have the best knee anymore,

so... I still don't think you can.

Well, I actually used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day, so... Then

prove it!

Are you bullying me? I got ten baseball cards that says you can't. All right,

okay, Manny, why don't we stop bugging Chris and thank him for coming out

I guess.

Since his girlfriend's rescuing him, I'll leave him alone.

Especially since he's chicken.

Manny! No, Rachel, it's totally cool.

Ten baseball cards, huh?

Listen, you do not have to do this.

I think I do.

Dotted line, Manny.

Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Yeah, what's up?

I'm sorry.

Look, I meant to tell you, but... Don't be silly. Look, it's totally cool. I

just, um... What time is it? I promised a friend that I would help him move

today. I gotta get to Ikea.

Rachel, I get it. You're engaged. I mean, he seems like a really nice guy.

Successful. What is that, Armani?

I just came to help you with the kids, right?

Hey, you ready?

It was nice meeting you, Cliff.

Yeah, you too. It was a great surprise.

Thanks for helping her out with all those kids that can be, you know,

demons.

Which one's your whip, by the way?

Yes, for sure.

Okay.

Wow, what an angry little Asian man.

Okay, well, Mr. Guy, is it? Is it Guy?

Guy.

Guy. All right. You don't look French, but I thought I'd give it a shot. If you

were, I would kick you out immediately.

Listen, that was my boss, and he actually saw you coming in, and, uh...

Congrats! He thinks you look like a movie star. An action hero, actually.

Gag, gag, gag, gag, gag.

No!

Daddy, I love you! Does that mean I have the loan? No! Oh, God, no. The loan.

No, that's... No, you're not even close to getting a loan.

You have no assets to speak of. It's kind of embarrassing, actually, a man of

your age. But, um, no, there's not a lot we can do for you. In fact, you owe a

ton of people a ton of money.

So, let's hope they're not Italian. I don't think you understand. I really...

You need this loan. I really need it.

I didn't know that. I didn't.

Hey, Charlie!

Yeah, we got a guy in here who really needs a loan.

Yeah.

Charlie's gone. Charlie actually was fired three weeks ago. I think that

is actually empty. But let's be honest. Look in the mirror.

You were turned down before you even left your apartment.

And I said apartment because there's no way you have a house, right? That's been

taken away.

Now, this is an unfortunate incident in that you actually got into my office.

And I feel, I don't know, I am feeling something, but I think I'm just hungry.

It smells good in here, man.

Look, I really like you. You know that. You're a nice guy. I wanted to tell you

this in person, all right?

Look, you're evicted, man.

What? Yeah.

It hurts me, bro. I'm sorry.

Listen, are you cooking in here?

Listen,

they're towing your car downstairs.

I like four black guys. Great.

Crazy. Awesome. Thank you.

You've been working out? You look nice, man.

Real good. And Clint?

What? Clay Bar, you're a Titanic DVD?

No. You still owe me sleepless in Seattle.

I'll get it to you. You like tricks, right?

Yeah.

Right.

Keep the damn DVD, Harold.

Harold, I... Surprise!

Kim.

What are you... What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I've come back to you.

Kim,

uh, you should go.

What?

Christy -poo!

I know that you think I wasn't very nice to you in the past, but we were kids

then, and we are not kids anymore.

Okay, that tickles.

By the way, Daddy said you can start at $100 ,000.

$100 ,000?

Uh -huh.

Okay,

Kim. Kim. Kim. I need to know why now.

Why not now? I'm horny. No, Kim. Why now? All of a sudden, do you want to be

with me?

Chris, I've always loved you. And when you got hurt, I was scared.

I didn't know what to do. It was hard for me. You were scared? I was... I had

walls.

They are way down.

Oh, there's my big boy. Oh, there he is. Okay.

Kim, all right, stop, stop.

Kim, Kim, I need to ask you, have you ever apologized to anybody for anything

your entire life?

Ew.

So this is my eighth voicemail now.

Jack, no one has heard from you. I'm starting to get concerned. Where are

Call me back.

Jack?

Jack? I have a weapon and I will fuck you up, man!

I have a weapon and I will fuck you up more!

Jack? Chris?

Gee. Holy cow, what happened to your hair?

I know it's them.

Supercuts? Turn the lights off. Get down.

Why? Will you follow? I don't know.

Did you talk to anyone?

My grandmother.

What are you doing? Let me see your teeth. Why are you touching me? I'm

to help you. Don't touch me. Let me see. Ow. Ow.

Jack. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

You're clean.

What the hell?

Listen, I know this all seems crazy, but remember my money manager, Saul

Rosenblatt Steinberg, the guy who got arrested for the Ponzi scheme?

Well, years ago, I introduced Saul to the cult.

So this weekend, the damn cult kidnapped me because Saul stole over $3 million

from them. They thought I was in on it.

You have forsaken us all again.

I'm so sorry, benevolent leader. I didn't know Saul was a crook. He took me

everything, and you bastards still owe me thick millions. Silence!

Nobody's going to take you seriously, Phil, ever. You are a total fuck -up.

I'm tired of your resistance and your incompetence.

The end of days is upon us. The spaceships are coming, and you shall

lesson. No!

No!

It's probably for the best that I forget about the gym for a while. I've got to

deal with these assholes.

This.

Sorry, I couldn't turn things around.

The two hearts becoming one. My beautiful Kimmy and Chris, salute.

Cheers, sir.

Oh, Chris.

Guess what?

Daddy is getting us a condo.

It is so beautiful. I've seen pictures. And there's an extra bedroom so we can

convert it into a closet for me. Nothing is too good for my princess. Isn't it,

princess? No.

Look at her, Chris.

Isn't she a princess?

She is definitely a princess.

I am a princess.

Here we are, princess.

Fat -free, sugar -free, gluten -free, vegan lettuce cups minus the rice and

oil. which I'm sure is much tastier than the chef always makes it. Jeffrey.

Thank you so much, sir. Jeffrey, is that corn?

Yes.

Gross!

Jeffrey.

Sir, I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person, and I will go improve myself

the corner.

Difficult, is it, for them to get it right?

Can I go to the bathroom?

You gotta respect that.

She knows what she wants.

Respect? Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Eating. Put down that knife and fork, fuckhead. Come on, respect her.

Wait for your princess to come back.

Sorry, my bad.

My bad? My bad? Who are you, Snoop Dogg now?

I'm sorry. You hear me, homie?

Pardon? No, no, no. No, I think I know you.

You're one of those assholes that plays basketball every night, right?

Right? And then you're listening to your rap music with your hippie friends. And

you're probably on narcotics right now. Huh, Cheech?

No, no, sir. You have me all wrong.

When it comes to my daughter, she is my everything.

So you hurt her. You so much as disrespect her. And I'm sending people

house. Capisce?

Capisce. I'm going to run to the restroom myself really quickly.

Okay, call me back.

It's just a Robin tug.

It's not that big of a deal. It's a massage, okay?

It's just like masturbating with your hand on top of mine without mine being

there.

You know what?

I be banging bitches left and right. You don't know shit. You don't know

nothing. I don't need you.

Well, as you can see, the living room is very spacious.

Well, I see that there's a pool, but where is the tennis court? We were told

this property has a tennis court.

Where do you expect us to go when the servants are cleaning the house?

Well, there's a ping -pong table in the basement.

How dare you? I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing. Oh, and why

are there... How much furniture in this room? Well, ma 'am, sometimes we furnish

the houses to give the prospective buyers a better idea of what it will be

And that trim is pretty shitty. Who did that?

Jack. Jack who?

He in the union?

He's speaking to you, dimwit.

I have explosive diarrhea, so I will be right back.

He's not a dimwit.

You have to have a wit to be dim.

Jack.

Call me Lone Star. Lay low. Lone Star? Why?

No time to explain.

Bianca. Bianca, you gotta see this. Where are you?

Bianca, this... What are you doing down there? I can't let you do this.

Do what?

This. Look at you. Look at me? Jack, look at you.

You don't think I look good as a brunette?

I'm happy right now.

Okay? I've got my life together.

I've got money. Things are great.

No, everything's great, huh?

Oh, come on. Open your eyes. Is this really what you want? Yes. Yes, it is.

right, look, I'll be the first to admit I lost my marbles here for a little

while. But I'm back, and I've never been more clear on anything.

The cult tried to kill my dreams. I'm never going to let anybody ever do that

again. I can't give up. Not on the gym and not on myself.

And you shouldn't either.

Jack. Lone Star?

Lone Star. Look, even...

If I did want to quit this job and dump Kim. The gym's shut down and you're

broke. Not anymore.

I've got a plan, but I need your help.

You are a foul, horrible young man.

Horrible. I'm going to call your office and file a complaint.

My God, Jack, this is like freakishly good.

Want one great thing about being in a cult?

Planning to take over the world every day makes you very meticulous and a

strategist. You know what else? I think we should do a whole grassroots social

media marketing campaign. I'd love it. Let's do that. Come on. Let's get to

work.

Oh, man.

Really? Can I get one day off? My freaking armpits. Your hyperhidrosis is

backing up again, huh?

What?

You poor bastard. You haven't figured it out yet, have you?

Let me guess. You've tried every antiperspirant known to mankind.

Yeah. But nothing works. Nothing. Not even clinical strength. No.

Now you've resorted to blow -drying your pits, patting them down with paper

towels. Okay, are you following me? Yeah, let me show you something.

I keep this as a reminder.

See, back then we didn't have Photoshop.

Hyperhidrosis could have killed my career before it even started.

Oh, my God.

You're just like me.

Chris.

Kim. Dude, she is hot.

If you're not healthy, be strong.

Who the hell was that? And what were you two doing?

My friend Lone Star.

Daddy's waiting.

Oh, your armpits are sweaty.

I have a condition.

Hyperhidrosis. Yuck.

Exactly. Kim.

What?

I said what?

I'm leaving.

I know. We have to go.

No. I'm leaving alone.

We're not driving to Daddy's separately.

Goodbye, Kim.

Oh, God, is he being emotional again?

Don't be so emotional, Chris.

You're delusional. Wake up.

You know what, Kim?

I'm a cancer, and we are emotional, art -majoring, empathetic, fish -painting

motherfuckers. Have a great life.

I don't get it.

God, I feel amazing. I feel like I can climb a mountain or something.

Why are we in a Prius? I thought you had a Lamborghini.

That's the downsides of the mission.

Oh.

Wait, where are we going?

Page two. Step one, blue highlight.

Payback.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Those fuckers took six million from you. We need that money to save the gym.

You gave a coach six million dollars?

Are you crazy?

I didn't give it to them. I was investing. We landed on tourists.

Plus, the boom is a write -off.

Look, Jack.

I mean, Lone Star. Look, I can't do this. I'm sorry.

We have all the power. Just play the role. It'll be fine.

What did I call myself? Do I have a code name?

I don't want these guys knowing.

Who I am?

Ronald. Ronald McDonald,

son.

Okay, you ready?

What are we doing in the dentist's office?

Think about it. That'll be catchy.

Everybody needs it.

This is crazy.

What have I got myself into?

Oh my God, what if they have guns?

What if they try to kill me?

Holy shit, I'm gonna die.

Fuck. I ate carbs today.

I am such a fatty.

Why did I think I could do this?

I hardly even know this guy.

What if he's trying to brainwash me?

What if I'm already in the cult?

I bet Rachel has a blonde wig.

Yeah, but it'll look totally fake.

Ron?

Yeah! I am Ron.

Mariah Carey flies south for the winter.

Honey or glitter?

Honey?

Arcturian Lifestyles, this is Venus. How can I help you?

Enter VoIP authorization samples.

You dare bring in an outsider, dipshit?

This is my spiteful, relentless, ball -crushing, undefeated lawyer.

Oh yeah, your worst nightmare.

Um, well, first, I would just, I would like to, um, thank you for... Spit it

out, jackass!

Remember why we're here.

We need this money to save everyone's job.

All right, motherfucker.

I want you to listen to me, and I want you to listen well.

Your organization owes my client upwards of $6 million.

American.

My client has suffered from anxiety.

depression, erectile dysfunction.

I have that last problem under control. And I will not stop until justice has

been upheld, my bald friends.

What do you got?

Are you dentists familiar with the iPhone audio recorder app? Well, lucky

me, my client was during your little routine kidnapping.

You remember that?

Behold, evidence A.

That is not the only copy of that recording.

I got that shit on my iCloud.

What's up?

So if you love bugs, try any funny business, I will have the FBI, the CIA,

TMZ all over this place. Like, think on a baboon, my friend.

$6 ,000.

Yeah, baby!

Take that to the bank, dipshits.

Hey. Where are you going? Page 12, orange highlight, unfinished business.

Jack, she's engaged.

Not anymore.

How's my hair looking? It looks fine. Come on.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Okay, let's just go back to the gym instead.

Are you not familiar with Eckhart Tolle's book, Tower of Now? Carpe diem,

the day.

I'll speak to her eventually.

You just took on a whole cult. You can talk to my niece. What am I supposed to

say? I'll do all the talking. Relax.

Hey, Rach.

Uncle Jack, Chris, what are you guys doing here?

Chris.

We'll explain everything.

Hey, guys.

Who wants to play a little horse?

So, once again, I'm really sorry that I didn't respond to any of your text

messages. That was immature.

Oh, look, I'm sorry for everything.

So we're both sorry.

I know. Why don't we start over?

Hi, I'm Chris.

I'm Rachel.

So who is Jack?

Oh, Tom Jones over there?

My sugar daddy.

I knew it. I cannot believe you thought that when we first met. I have a lot of

deep, core -rooted issues stemming from my childhood, mostly.

Eat it!

Chew it! How does failure taste?

All right, well, I guess I should get back to the kids.

But thanks for stopping by.

Would you like to go out sometime?

Pray.

You are a super, super sweet guy, and you made me laugh, but

I just need time.

Of course.

Totally. I mean, I get it. You just broke up with your fiancé.

You need some time.

Thanks.

I feel like the band is back together. Speaking of bands, Jack's hair looks

awesome. I just hope Bon Jovi has good news because we couldn't find anywhere

that was hiring.

We're saving up for a Kia.

That's a great vehicle.

Rachel, perfect timing.

Wow, look who's rocking.

Dumbbell Junior, I like it. Official.

I got to rally the 3 -plus in a little bit, okay? All right.

Blonde is way better. Yes.

Hey.

Hey.

Thank you for coming.

I've got to support my uncle, right?

Right. All right, everyone.

Well, let me just say it's fantastic to see you all back in uniform again. I

know we've had some bumps in the road, but I hope you enjoyed that little

vacation of yours, because that's all it was.

It's time to get down to some work. That's right. It's time to turn the

business around and take back control of our lives. And that's why we've come up

with a three -part plan.

Todd, hand out the binders.

Now, when I escaped, I knew that I was going to have to face the leader once

more. Escape?

The leader? That's right.

I was in a cult for 20 years.

But I'm not ashamed.

And I'm not hiding anymore.

In fact...

Not only am I fighting back, but I am taking those mind -sucking, alien

parasites down. And I won't stop until I retrieve every penny of my $5

,994 ,000 that they still owe me. They will be begging me for mercy across

the universe. The name Jack Guy will cause fear in the hearts of every

Bobby? So you want us to help you take down the cult to get your money back to

save this... Jim.

No, no, not at all. I was just venting. It's a really important part of the

healing process. My therapist... Guys, I think what Jack is trying to say is

this. After my injury, I started to act as if life had robbed me of something

that I deserved.

That life owed me.

And I quit.

On myself.

But I'm ready to get back in the game. I'm tired of sitting on the sideline.

I want to play some ball, and what I want to know is who is ready to play

ball with me.

Bobby. So you want us to join a basketball league then?

No. I think what Chris and Jack are trying to say is that if we work

a team, we can turn dumbbells business around and save everyone's job.

Oh.

I thought we were clear.

So here's the plan.

With the money we got from the cult, we'll throw a promotional party. But not

just any party. I'm talking a full -on Hollywood event.

When times are tough, families pull together.

And say goodbye to working for minimum wage.

That's right. From now on, everyone has a piece of the company.

We are a team.

And there's no I in dumbbell.

When you knock on my door Now every

time I go for the mailbox Gotta hold my phone down

Cause I just can't wait till you write me

You're coming around

For every problem, we create the solution.

Even the bitchiest one.

Turns out Fabio's not a

dick after all. Good evening.

I'm looking for Ivana.

I'm... I'm Ivana.

Wow. I didn't know you were that beautiful and so sexy.

We like to go for an evening ride.

Let's go.

Once he heard how Jack got screwed out of all his money, he stepped up to the

plate big time.

Let me help you with that.

Oh, yeah. Right there.

Perfect.

God! Oh my God, are you okay?

Shouldn't be on that ladder at the same time.

I see the big game last night.

Walking on fire.

Walking on fire.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, man.

How you doing, my friend?

Great to see you. Hey.

Any bath in the cave?

You're clear.

Thanks. You know, Chris, I'm really glad you and I teamed up.

It's like when Apollo Creed and Rocky joined forces to take on the Russian.

The Russian killed Apollo.

You better revert back to your negativity, dipshit. Woo!

Holy Valkyrie on Blu -ray. Is that Tom Cruise?

Sometimes you just gotta say, what the fuck?

Make your move. Woo!

Woo! No.

That is not Tom Cruise. That is Tom Cruise.

Girls, you complete me.

You complete me. I was a bartender in the Philippines and I watched Cocktail

every day for inspiration.

That is Tom Cruise.

You're a bartender in the Philippines?

Woo! Sure.

Actually, it doesn't matter.

Perception. It's reality.

Hey, guys, a real -life Hollywood producer just gave me his card. Said I

dynamic look. He wants to make me a star.

Awesome. Congrats, buddy.

Talk to you soon.

He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin.

Kind of crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even

a month ago, huh?

We all want to quit at one time or another.

Important thing is to hang in there because tomorrow always brings another

surprise. Speaking of surprises, I got this for you.

Boom. What's this?

I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show.

I edited it together, added effects, cool transitions, graphics, the whole

Wow. How'd you learn to do that?

I was an art major.

Very cool.

How's it going, guys?

This party is the tit.

Am I right? Huh? The tits haze. It's blood spilled out there. Is that a real

place? Because if it's not, I would move there.

Hey, you guys were the guys from the bank.

Oh, my God, the loan.

Look,

please accept my deepest apologies, okay? I really am sorry. I'm just going

through some shit right now. My kid's masturbating at school. Can't stop him.

How do you stop it? His dick's there all the time.

All right, I'm not going to bother with my hands. They're going to get dirty in

a second anyway.

Did you know we already have 42 new members?

Are any of them rich men?

Well,

things are looking pretty good right now, huh, Todd?

You guys did a really good job at this place.

My dad couldn't do this.

He said I suck. He sucks!

Chris,

Jack told me you have a sweat problem.

I think this can help. Wow, never thought I'd say this, but...

Thank you, Fabio. You're a sweetheart.

You're welcome.

Hey, by the way, what do you use in your hair? It's spectacular.

Oh, that's simple.

All right.

Do this.

I'm sorry I didn't throw up, bud.

But if I may cut in.

Well, I was just going to ask her to marry me, but it wouldn't have worked

Be happy.

How could you not love that guy?

I know. Here's what you got.

So this is my... Well,

shall we?

Well, congratulations on a very successful party.

You boys have come a long way, and I am very proud.

I have you to thank.

For what?

For everything.

Are you getting emotional on me?

I'm sorry. That's lame, you know.

Are you kidding me? What girl wouldn't love a man who's in touch with his

emotions?

And I wanted to thank you for respecting my boundaries.

I love respecting your boundaries.

And look who's got it all on camera. You adorable lovebird.

Thank you, Jack. Chris!

They're playing your DVD on the projector. Everybody loves it. You gotta

check it out. Oh, I gotta see this.

Come on.

Let's go.

Sorry for C -blocking, man.

Cash cash is back, baby.

And now we're singing.

Still got that pop, rockin' panties, droppin' smooth moves in my pocket.

got that look that gets them hooked like a locket, off like a rocket.

Been down like candy powers, now I'm up like the Trump Towers. And I'm back in

town, ain't backin' down, won't stop till I get that crown.

I still got it, I still got it.

I still got it. Still got that fire burnin' hot like never before.

Pumpin' and I'm ready for more.

That's right.

Still got it. Still got it. I still got it. Still got that side of blood pumping

down through my veins.

Mixed with any triple whimmies, I ain't feeling no pain.

My batter's up swinging hard cause I'm still in the game. Uh -huh. I still got

it. Still got it. Still got it. Hey, Jack.

The Maloose. Gavin, Joe.

Hey, Jack. See ya.

Fabio told us you were having a party. Yeah, we're having some fun, huh? Yeah,

but unfortunately, we're in a big rush.

Our helicopter's picking us up in five.

Oh, okay. Is this roof flat?

Uh... Yeah? Well, it doesn't matter. Look, we're branching out of Las Vegas,

we're producing our own television, and we were looking at the footage over here

and thought that the premise rocks.

We love the name, and that's a fine -ass bitch is here. It's like September 10

in the gym, and not only could it be a reality show, but maybe we can franchise

this. We'll talk on Monday. We'll discuss the numbers.

Absolutely, huh?

Okay, Jack. Yeah.

Come on, bitches.

We don't want to keep Obama waiting. No, you definitely do not.

So I guess the vision doesn't always

manifest exactly as you saw it. But Jack Guy sure was right.

Dreams do come true.

Oh,

everything's going to be fine? Everything's going to be fine?

Listen. Do I look fine?

I am not fine.

I am very far from fine. Take off that wig.

God damn it.

Um.

Sorry.

How's the date going?

It is not a date.

Looks like a date from over here. It is not a date.

Tell her how you feel.

What the fuck is your problem?

So it's your sign.

You want to go out after this and get a penis colada?

I mean peanut colada.

You know what I meant.

Cut.

Hey, guys. How's it going, huh? How about this party? Oh, my God. I swear to

God, 50 % of those chicks can fit their full fist in their mouth. Sucked that

one. Couldn't get it back out, but it's going to be okay. Hey, Mark.

It was a bad day for me, okay? My dad's in town right now, and, you know, he was

a drinker. He was a drinker growing up, and...

Projectile vomiting, constantly.

You know, he actually threw up once while he was changing me. Right on my

You remember that shit.

Now, do either of you have a roofie? The big blonde, seriously?

One or two? I say two.

Beth? Huh?

Sorry, I'm here thinking.

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

Tell me why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why,

why.

I'm up to 104 views.

That dramatic chipmunk better watch out.

Or I'm going to give him my nuts.

That little kid that said chow, he bit my finger, better watch out before I put

him in a fucking microwave.

The sneezing panda better watch its multicolored back before I fist fuck it

my nine.

Again, thanks for stopping by. You have my card?

Yeah? I mean, I wrote the number off, so you can't call me. Is that Starbucks?

No, there's cheaper coffee. 7 -Eleven. No, I'm a banker.

Okay, I'm dead inside.

You think it's more that cush?

I got so big, I've got five seasons of Lost in one day.

Yeah, that's impossible, homie. That's like 80 hours.

In one day.

Look, I've got a show to run.

Wait, yeah.

No, my ass.

You're working for me.

You know, you've got the IQ of a crystal.

You know, I don't need this.

I'm not paying you.

Okay, go back to kissing me.

You go do that. You know, it's like nobody fuck with the fuck.

Okay, have a good day.

Thanks. Titanic.

You still owe me sleepless in Seattle.

I'm not done with it, Chris.

Whatever. You're whatever.

You're whatever.

You are. You are.

He's not a dimwit.

You have to have a wit to be dim.

He's the dimmest of the dimwits. Mr.

Dimwit. Mr.

Dimwit. Captain Dimwit.

General Dimwit. King Dimwit.

Emperor Dimwit. Yes.

Listen to Dances with Queers. I'm never fucking done. I got 20 more laughs in

the hour where we're with the eggs and I'm going to fuck this line up horribly.

What the crap?

See this coat I'm wearing? I don't need it anymore. You know why? Because I'm

close. In Philly, I had two slices of bad pizza in the morning. I do it

consciously.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Don't put that shit in my body.

I'm down in some cock.

Cellular oxygen creatine. A liquid formula that quadruples my amino acid

recovery by fucking up the lines and having to do it over again.

I'm down in some cock.

Creatine, oxygen, fucking shit.

Backwards, asshole.

Cellular oxygen creatine, a liquid formula that triples my amino acid

circulation while quadrupling my... Goat, got your tongue? The bah!

My favorite part.

This is fun.

Wasn't this fun?

We should do this again.

I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone. I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone. Go ahead

and light it up.

Pour it up. Oh, that's enough.

i'm gone i'm gone i'm gone