All language subtitles for The New Adventures of Old Christine S0310 One and a Half Men

Any significant changes

in your health
since last year?

Uh, nope.

Although I have been fighting
this low-grade flu

for the last couple of weeks.

I used some mascara
I found at the gym.

Guess I gambled, and I lost.

Okay, I'm out.

So,

what are your symptoms?

Well, let's see.

Uh, I can't sleep,
I'm hot all the time,

uh, very forgetful,
I can't sleep.

I'm hot all the time.

Good. Got it.
Got it.

And how's your libido?

Oh. Oh, you're very sweet,
but you know what?

I'm not really dating
right now.

I just got out of a relationship

that did a real number
on my head.

So...

I'm happily married.

Well, then shame on you.

No, I'm...
I'm not asking you out. Uh...

I wish I could.

(laughs)

So, your symptoms
sound hormonal to me,

but we're gonna run a little
blood work, see what's going on.

Uh, do you think you
need a little more urine?

'Cause I, uh... I think
I'm ready to go again.

No, we're... we're good
on the urine, thank you.

You've already given us more
than we could possibly use.

I'm thinking
you might be perimenopausal.

I'm thinking
you might be an ass.

These hormone fluctuations
can occur for about ten years

before you're actually
in menopause,

and even though under "age,"

you wrote "Timeless beauty..."

(laughs)

...I think

we might be in the ballpark.

Hey, you know,

with all due
respect, Dr. Palmer,

I really do know my
body, and I have the flu,

and I don't want
to talk about this anymore,

so, if you would be just
kind enough to palpate my boobs,

and I'll be on my way.

Okay, fine,
I'll go out with you.

(whirring)

Hey, Mom.

(both scream)

What?

For God's sake,
Christine.
What?

You're naked!
You're cleaning!

Cool. Is
that a robot?

No, Ritchie,
it's a vacuum.

You've seen this before.

Why is it so loud?

Because, darling, it's on.

Hey, Mom,
guess what?
What?

I got invited
to cotillion.

Ugh!
(turns vacuum off)

We're not Jewish, Ritchie.

God knows if we were,
we wouldn't

be living
in this dump.

Christine!

What? Well, it's a compliment.

They're good with money.

Christine!
Do you know that you're
standing there in your bra?

Yeah. I am boiling, okay?

I think I have a fever.

Ritchie, go upstairs,
get started on your homework.

I got to talk to Daddy.
Okay.

But please sign it.

I really want to
go to cotillion.

Ugh. What is this,
like a debutante ball?

Oh no, you're not
a debutante until
you're much older.

This is just preparation
for your coming out.

No. No, he's not doing that.

I still think
he might be straight.

It's not that kind
of coming out.

It's etiquette
and dance class.

Etiquette. I know
what that's code for.

Let's train the women
to service the men.

I think you're thinking
of a sorority.

Oh, and then, look at this.

Marly and Lindsay
are the patronesses.

Oh, come on.

No, he's not doing this.

This is racist, this is sexist.

This does not reflect my values.

Says the topless anti-Semite
with the filthy house.

I went to cotillion,
and I loved it.

And it's not sexist.

It teaches boys
how to be young gentlemen,

and it teaches girls
how to be young ladies.

(blows raspberry)

What sorority were you in?

Look, let's let him go.

It'll give him a chance
to be around girls,

instead of this.

Richard, why don't
we just send him

to Oppress Women
and Enslave Them Camp?

Because that's a sleepaway camp,
and he can't do an overnight.

Look, I don't want him
to oppress women.

I just want him
to be around them,

maybe dance with them,
maybe marry them.

(blows raspberry)

Maybe it would just
be good for him

to get out
of the house.

He's going, alright?

We agreed
that you'd be in charge

of health, education
and welfare, and I'd get sports.

And learning which fork
to use is about as close

to sports
as this kid's going to get.

Richard, seriously,
I don't approve of this.

This is going to give him
a really warped view

of what a woman is.

God Almighty, why am I so hot?!

Oh, well, at least
you're wearing pants this time.

And my thighs are sweating
like nobody's business.

It is nobody's
business.

Richard, I want
to go home.

Okay, we're leaving,

but you're going
to sign him up, right?

(blows raspberry)

What's wrong with you?

Did you go to the doctor?

Yeah, I did.

He's still deeply
in love with me,

but he's a quack.

Isn't it crazy all
your doctors and dentists

are deeply
in love with you?

It is.

Anyway, I told him
about my fever and my insomnia

and my brain problems--

you know, how I can't
remember anything--

and he told me he thought

I could be at the beginning
of menopause.

No.
Yeah, that's
what I said.

No, I can't do this again.

What? What are you
talking about?

The last four years
I lived with Mom,

she was going
through the change.

It nearly killed me.
I can't do it again.

The hot towels,
the cold compresses.

If I close my eyes, I can still
feel her mustache on my cheek.

Stop it, Matthew!

(crunching)

Everything is fine here, okay?

I am young,
I am vibrant.

Hey, look--
it's the bad humor lady.

A man should only have to
go through menopause once!

No one is going
through menopause!

I won't do it again!

(shouting):
Hey, no one is asking you to!

God...

Is that the bra from the lost
and found at the gym?

Nobody claimed it.

You're nasty.

Listen, okay, Barb,
I went to the doctor,

and he told me
that I might be perimenopausal.

So? That's not menopause.

It's peri, meaning not quite,
like periodontist.

Not quite a dontist.

So, I've been perimenopausal
for two years.

Yeah, but you're much older
than me.

I'm two years younger than you.

Oh, my God, you look awful.

Yeah, because I have
to run a gym all by myself.

Oh, my God, I forgot
to go to work!

Yeah, you also forgot
to put on a shirt.

Oh, God, what's
happening to me?

My eggs!

It's no big deal.

Menopause
isn't that bad.
What?

It's a huge deal.
I feel terrible.

I'm hot, I'm cold,
I'm wet, I'm dry.

Look, I'll give you this cream
my doctor gave me.

It got rid of all my symptoms.

Ugh! I don't want
your old lady cream.

Yeah, who needs thick hair,

a sex drive and a dry shirt?

You've got three sweaty eggs.

(voice breaking):
Why-Wh...
why are you yelling at me?

Plus it will help
with the moodiness.

No, I'm not moody.
You are such a good friend.

Just get out.

No, no, no,
don't leave me.

(shouting):
Matthew, get in here!

(crying):
Oh, my God!

(weeping)

We've had to go back

and have Kelsey's dress
fitted three times.

She keeps losing weight.

I'm afraid she might
have an eating disorder.

Why must everything be
a competition with you?

Hi.

Uh, I want to sign
Ritchie up for cotillion.

Christine,
what's happening with you?

You're all... swampy.

Yeah, and you're kind of
flushed and splotchy.

Yeah, I have the flu.

The menopause flu.

Matthew!

Oh, yeah, my nanny just went
through the change, too.

Wait. I thought your
nanny had a heart attack?

Well, she was sweaty
and missed two days of work.

I don't know.

Okay, it's not the change,
alright? I have the flu.

I'd just like to sign
my kid up for cotillion.

Are you sure that cotillion's
the right place for Ritchie?

Yeah, it goes all spring.

Won't it interfere
with your family bowling nights?

We don't bowl.

We only go there
for the nachos.

Okay, Matthew,
don't get into it.

Okay? Please,
could I just write a check

so that I could get out of here?

In fact, you know what?
I'm gonna leave it blank,

and then you guys
can just fill it out.

Ew, it's soggy.

And, uh, how long should
we wait until we can cash this?

Ha, ha. Not necessary.

Actually, you know what?

A week would
really help me out.

Oh, God.

Please lower your shirt.

We're in a school zone.

Oh, God.

Why do you take so much crap
from those women?

What do you mean? I don't.

They're awful to you, and
you just stand there sweating

and...
(loud panting)

Do you have to breathe
like that?

(sighs)

I'm hot, Matthew.

Who cares
what those women think anyway?

alright,
I got bigger problems.

I think that doctor was right.

(sighs)
I'm perimenopausal.

Oh, where is Barb's
old lady cream? Ooh.

Oh, God, where are you going
to put that?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Ooh!

Oh, God.

Come on! Come on!

Come on, come on.

Come on!
Come on.

How you doing in there, pal?

RITCHIE:
Great.

You got the suit on yet?

Oh. I'm supposed to put it on?

What are you doing?

You've been in there
for 15 minutes.

Just put it on.

I got mine on, and it looks...

pretty good.

What the hell?

Oh, God.

What happened to my neck?

This doesn't fit me.

These pants
are too long.

They'll fix them.

My wiener itches.

That's part of wearing a suit.

That's why they give you
long pockets.

Turn around,
let me have a look at you.

Yeah, you look great, pal.

Okay, easy with the pockets.

Hey, Matthew.

Ooh, you're making
a sandwich.

Can you make
me a couple?

I would if I could
get this jar open.

Here you go.

Thanks.
God,

I'm so grateful
to feel better.

I had the best day.

I'm thinking clearly.

I have energy.

I remembered where I took my
dry cleaning a year ago.

I even joined a gym.

You own a gym.

Oh, shoot.

Well, I joined a nice gym.

Here.

Here you go.

Thanks.
How'd you do that?

It was easy.

What's the matter with
you today, princess?

What's going on
with you?

What?

You're-you're all
amped up.

Am I?

Am I all amped up, Matthew?

Ooh, flinch.

That'll cost you.

Ow!

Come on, man,
I barely touched you.

(gasps)

What, what's happening?

I don't know.
That cream is a miracle.

You know, I'm back
to my old self.

No, you're not.
You're back to Dad's old self.

What's in that cream?

I don't know. Cream.

Lady cream.

Two percent lady cream.

You didn't even ask
what's in it?

It's Barb's--
she uses it,

she's practically
a doctor.

How is Barb
practically a doctor?

I don't know. She washes
her hands all the time.

Let me see that cream.

Oh, think fast.

Ow!

You whipped it.

Ooh, did I whip it, Matthew?

Christine, uh,
this is testosterone cream.

So? What does that mean?

Well, sir, uh,

it means you've been rubbing
yourself with male hormones.

Well, Barb uses it,
and she's...

Oh, God.

But I feel so much
better, you know.

I'm not hot,
I can remember things,

I'm sleeping like a baby.

What's the downside?

Well, there's going
to be an asterisk

next to your name in the
Baseball Hall of Fame.

Did you... did you
just adjust yourself?

What could you possibly
be adjusting?

Hey, you know what?

Don't worry about it.

Okay?

Listen, and so what

if that cream gets me all
pumped up, you know?

I feel better.

It doesn't hurt
anything.

Okay, Ritchie,

go upstairs and
hang your suit up.

I want to talk to your mom
and Uncle Matthew.

How was suit shopping?

It was cool.

The guy drew all
over my clothes.

I want to be
a tailor.

Oh, Ritchie, I told you, honey,
we're not Jewish.

Christine.

What? It's a compliment.

They're good with fabric.

How come nobody told
me about this?

What, your neck thing?

You refer to it as
my "neck thing"?

Oh, I thought we called it
your chin thing.

You talk about it?

Well, not a lot.

I was going to be it
for Halloween.

Oh, my God.

I have a waddle.

I'm a turkey.

Ah, you look great.

In those khakis
I guarantee you

nobody's looking at
your neck thing.

What?

I'm just saying,
you look good.

(clicks tongue)

What was that?

I think my libido is back,
and then some.

You know, I hear
Richard talking
about his feelings

and all I want to do is
ride that wild turkey.

Hey, I'm a person.

I'm sorry. God, what
is going on with me?

You're all juiced up
on testosterone.

Boy, that was scary.

I'm sorry, Richard.
You are a person.

Man, I'm going to stop
using that cream.

Before I do,
I'm just going

to get a little taste
of that white meat.
Hey!

Oh, look,

here comes
the Addams family.

Man, it doesn't get much whiter
than this, does it?

Yeah, we put a lot of work
into it.

Hi, Ritchie.
Hi, Ashley.

Hey, Kelsey.

So, Ritchie, you need
to check in with Mr. Dupont,

the cotillion director,
and he'll tell you

where you need to go.
Okay.

Okay, Ritch, go on.

And, uh, keep your hands
where you can see them

or I'm going to have
to sew your pockets shut.

So where should we go?

Uh, maybe you need to go get
ready to saw a lady in half.

You making fun of my
outfit, Merv Griffin?

So, uh, parents are welcome
to observe from the sides,

but we should go over
a few cotillion rules.

Uh, we are here to learn
to be ladies and gentlemen.

Which means no gum chewing,
no foul language,

no open containers,

and no weapons.

You want to check my bag?

I don't want
to check your bag.

Now remember, gentlemen,
it's perfectly acceptable

to open one's jacket
when seated.

And ladies, remember,
we sit up straight

and our legs cross
at the ankles.

Gentlemen,

also, keep an eye
on your ladies' glasses.

Never let it get below half
empty before offering a refill.

Yeah, ass.

You're not my
date, ass.

And, let's please remember

to keep our voices
at an appropriate level

for polite conversation.

Busted.

It's time to dance.

First group of gentlemen
on my right.

Ladies on my left.

And I'll be here somewhere
in the middle.

Gentlemen, you will now
select your partner

for the fox-trot.

Well, it may be sexist,
and it may be racist,

but it's adorable.

That's not easy
to pull off.

When you've selected
your partner,

you will extend your arm.

Ladies,

it is incumbent upon you
to accept his invitation

by placing your
hand...

You know, that
Mr. Dupont's not so bad.

It'd be nice to go out

with a gentleman
for a change.

I'm sure he feels
the same way.

Hey, listen, sometimes
those persnickety guys,

they surprise you.

Oh, he could fill
my punch cup.

What's the
matter with you?

You still on
that cream?

What? No.
Well, then,

why are you suddenly hot
for that guy?

Oh, come on, Matthew.

You know I've always had
terrible taste in men.

That's true.

Hey!

She's right.
(music begins to play)

Ooh, look, Ritchie's
about to ask a girl to dance.

(gasps)
Oh.

I'm glad she doesn't know
where those hands have been.

It's okay, sweetie,
keep moving.

Oh.

Okay.

Did you see that?

She can't do that.

Uh-uh. No.

Oh, that's not okay.

Wait, what are
you doing?

Can I talk to you both
outside?

Uh, no.

We're the patronesses.
We can't leave.

Okay, well, either you can step
outside with me

or I can pull you out
by your hair extensions.

Yeah, we'll
step outside.
Uh-huh.

(gasps):
Christine.
Ow!

What is wrong
with you?

Why can't Ritchie dance
with your daughters?

I was fine with him dancing
with Lindsay's daughter.

Hey!
So, are we clear?

No, were not clear.

Listen, I have taken your crap
for the last three years,

and I'm going
to tell you something.

If you ever make Ritchie
feel unwelcome

or embarrass him again,

I would be thrilled
for the opportunity

to kick your sorry,
tanned, bleached-blond,

Botoxed asses back
to your tacky McMansions

and your loveless marriages.

You got that?

Oh, Christine.

So much drama.
Yeah.

(both groaning)

I'm not done.

You're going to march
right back out there,

you're going to tell Ritchie

he can dance
with whomever he wants.

Christine, relax,
this is cotillion.

You're acting like
they just ran out of nachos

at the bowling alley.

Christine, you're missing
the whole thing.

Ritchie's doing the fox-trot
with a giant.

You see there,
Christine?

He found a girl.

There's a lid
for every pot.

Even a pot
in a cheap little suit.

(gasping)

I'm on testosterone
right now,

and I could kill you.

(raspy):
Marly!

(gasping)

Christine...

I've taken their crap for
three years, Richard.

For three years.

You didn't stop taking
that cream.

No, and I never will.

Let go, you
turkey!
Ooh.

What's wrong with her,
and why is she so strong?

She can't help it--
she's a dude.

(grunting)

I got her.

(knocking on door)

Christine, you can sit up.

I'm just going to give you
your test results.

Oh, well, you got a freebie.

We won't be needing the urine
you left with reception, either.

Man, it is so
hot in here.

Okay, so, tell me
what you've got,

although, you don't even have
to tell me.

I know, I'm perimenopausal,

right?
No,

your hormone levels all
within the normal ranges.

What?
Mmm.

Then why am
I so angry?

I'm sure you're having
some kind of...

Why are you
in the stirrups again?

I told you,
we're not doing that.

I'm hot, okay.

I need a breeze.

Well, you probably have a fever.

And a remarkable lack
of boundaries.

You tested positive
for the varicella virus.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have worn
that bathing suit I found.

That's chicken pox.

Chicken pox?

You mean like the kid disease?

It didn't look like
a kid's bathing suit.

You can't catch chicken pox
from a bathing suit.

Good, then I can keep it.

alright, would you forget
about the bathing suit.

You have chicken pox.

And probably an undiagnosed
mental illness.

No menopause?
No.

Not yet.

But chicken pox can be very,
very serious in adults.

So, I want to see you
again next week.

Oh, you're so sweet.

But you know what,
seriously,

I just got out of a relationship
that did such a number on my...

Okay. Get dressed. Get out.

Can I go pee though?

No, no peeing.

No, no pee.
No, no pee.