Original subtitles

Pete and I split up six months ago

when I haven't even gone out on a date.

- What happened to you? - Because I'm scared.

I've only been with one man, I don't know what it's gonna be.

Well, uh, Pete was 6'5" with a size 14 shoe.

So you might want to start by lowering your expectations.

I don't know anything.

You know, been with only one man, I have no contacts.

You know what I'm saying? I need contacts.

Well, I'm-I'm sure you won't have a problem finding contacts.

Smaller contacts than you're used to, maybe.

But contacts.

Yeah.

Maybe..

[instrumental music]

Matthew, I'm gonna need you back here

at 3 o'clock this afternoon to pick me up.

Okay, fine, but you know, it doesn't really count

as car pooling if you never drive, pay for gas or thank me.

It's for the environment, Matthew. Why must you fight me?

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Hey. Wow, jeez.

Barb, you're all sexed out today.

This things are up-close and personal.

- Somebody have a date? - No.

- What? - I don't know.

- It's hot in here. - But not with each other.

What?

You look beautiful.

Didn't do anything different, huh.

It's embarrassing.

So, uh, Barb, how are you?

Uh, are you feeling okay about everything?

I really wish, I'd worn a different sweater

but other than that..

I'm talking about the sex..

Oh, uh, I haven't done a lot of that.

So how does the post sex work exactly?

Ah, there's usually awkward conversations

uncomfortable silences

the haunting soundbytes of things

you wish you hadn't said.

I regretted saying, "Come to mama."

Me too.

- But it was fun. - No, I-I had fun, too.

- Did you tell Christine? - God, no. Are you kidding me?

She felt left out that time

you and I both accidentally wore green shirts.

And then for a month the three of us had to get dressed

together every morning.

What are you guys talking about?

And when did you both decide to wear jeans?

- You're wearing jeans too. - Oh, yeah, we're the same.

So what, what is going on?

It's nothing to do with you.

[gasps]

Oh. You're talking about my birthday.

She guessed it.

And now you ruined the surprise.

Oh, no. You still got two days.

And if you're thinking cashmere wrap

you're on the right track.

God, that was close.

Are you kidding? It's her birthday month.

I could smear cake all over your naked body

and lick it off right in front of her

and all she'll see is cake.

Come to mama.

I heard that. You're talking about cake, right?

Well, if you're thinking berry, you're on the right track.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I got it.

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

Banana.

I'm not doing this anymore, go do your homework.

Oh, my God, can we please have some adult conversation?

I slept with Barb.

Here, everybody is a comedian.

No, I really did.

- Come on. - I'm serious.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

When?

Where, how?

The other night, on a futon, the regular way.

She let you do that?

That's not the regular way.

- It was fun. - Of course it was fun.

It was sex with Barb.

Is she bossy? Is she rough?

She's bossy and rough, right?

It's-it's a little weird.

Oh, weird. Fantastic, I knew it.

What? You thought about it?

I think about it with everyone. I'm a guy.

Don't you?

I think, I'm a different kind of guy.

[door closes]

[scoffs]

Okay, I know what you guys are talking about

and I've been thinking about the same thing too.

See, everyone thinks about it.

She's talking about her birthday.

Oh. When's your birthday?

In two days, silly.

Aw.

Oh, come on.

Anyway, birthdays are for children and so..

what I'd like you to do is, whatever money you're gonna

spend on me, give that to charity.

Sure, what's your favorite charity?

Oh, it doesn't matter. Something with kids or gays or..

Oh, gay kids would be good.

Gimme the receipts so that I can write it off.

And if you want, you can put the receipt inside a cashmere wrap.

Wow, she's really a giver.

In fact, when we were married

she gave me nothing but aggravation, am I right?

It's just me here, man..

Sorry. So, you and Barb.

Yeah, listen. You can't tell anyone.

- It's gotta be like a secret. - No problem.

It's a little hot in the car, I'm gonna grab water.

Were you sitting in the car?

It was a long ride from school with Ritchie's jokes.

If the answer to one more question was banana

I was gonna knock, knock his teeth out.

Barb and Matthew slept together.

Hey.

She's my one tell. Everybody gets one tell.

Okay, one, but that's it.

So you and Barb, wow.

What's it like? I bet it was intense.

And extra hot because of the taboo of sleeping

with your sister's best friend.

But you didn't care, 'cause once you got started

your lust took over and drove you both over the brink.

Until you collapsed into a sweaty shivery mass.

Richard, can I see you in the car?

Yep.

[instrumental music]

I thought she didn't want a party.

She said, "Whatever you do, don't throw me a party."

It's like when she says

"Whatever you do, don't lemme eat this whole thing"

or "Don't lemme drink more than two glasses of wine"

or "Whatever you do, don't leave me alone with this guy."

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

What did you tell him?

Nothing.

He was very respectful, he gave no details.

But we imagined it was intense and rough. Was it?

- Matthew. - I'm sorry, he was my one tell.

- And she's my one tell. - It's supposed to be a secret.

[scoffs]

You guys can't keep a secret.

Who told you they had sex?

- Who? - Matthew and Barb.

What?

Okay, she's my one tell.

(together) Surprise.

What, I-I-I can't believe this.

Well, happy birthday.

- We should probably get going. - See if you can get details.

- And I better get going. - 'No.'

No, you two are staying, sit.

What the hell? You two slept together?

Don't freak out.

We were in your garage and it just happened.

Oh, my God. In my garage?

Ritchie's crib is in that garage and my weed-whacker.

And my wedding dress.

Every time I wear that dress now I'm gonna think of your sex.

Uh, oh, God, how could this happen?

Barb, you're like my sister. Matthew, you are my brother.

It's like a brother and a sister doing it.

What? No, it's nothing like that. She's not my sister.

I am your sister. Did you ever once, think of me?

Never once while I was in that garage.

Well, maybe you should.

What are you trying to do to me?

Christine, I know, it's a little weird.

Oh, it's a lot weird. It's too close, it's incestuous.

And you know, it's a terrible birthday present, by the way.

We got you a berry cake.

I don't care about the cake. This is huge news.

I'm going to my room to decide how I feel about this.

And Matthew, whatever you do

do not let me eat this whole thing.

Matthew, did I not say, do not let me do this?

Sorry about the cake, wine or man.

Listen, I was thinking..

If you and Barb wanna be a couple

then you should go ahead and be a couple.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, it's a little weird for me.

But if you're happy, that's what I want.

Well, thanks.

I know that's not easy 'cause it involves people who aren't you.

- I just want you to be happy. - Thank you.

But you know, I was wondering

Do you ever think that maybe

I could be the one to make you happy?

What?

Let me be the one to make you happy, Matthew.

[screaming]

What's the matter, are you okay?

Oh, my..

I had a dream, it was horrible.

Oh, I dreamt I kissed you.

Oh, God. Calm down, calm down.

It's not that horrible.

[screaming]

Oh.

Oh, it's a dream.

Two dreams.

Just horrible, horrible dreams.

Well, it's okay.

I'm okay.

[screaming]

It's over.

You dropped your complaint with Sizzler?

No, that's not near over.

They pissed off the wrong customer.

But you and Barb are done.

Okay, the whole idea of you two together

has completely messed me up.

Worst birthday gift ever, by the way.

I don't know how you got from cashmere wrap to that.

- Never again, do you hear me? - What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

I forbid you from seeing Barb.

- Forbid me, you can't do that. - Oh, yeah. I think I can.

You work for me, you live in my house.

You're my little brother, consider yourself forbidden.

You can't talk to me like a child, I'm going to my room.

My room.

I own you. I own you, Matthew.

No, no. Nobody owns Matthew but Matthew.

I am so not attracted to him right now.

My coffee.

Who's yelling? Are you on the phone with Sizzler again?

Why aren't you dressed? I told you I'll pick you up at eight.

Yeah, well, I had a rough night.

Listen, I have come to the conclusion

that I am not okay with you dating Matthew.

In fact, I mean, I have to forbid you.

- Forbid me? - Mm-hmm.

I don't think you wanna do that.

- Well, as your boss-- - As your partner.

As the senior partner, I forbid it.

As the partner who can kick your ass..

...I'll date whoever I want.

- Ha ha ha, not my brother. - Yeah, your brother.

Barb, you know honestly

I-I just cannot believe

how ungrateful you're being right now

And exactly, what am I supposed to be grateful for?

Barb, come on. Don't make me say it.

Everything.

You're incredible.

[smacks lips]

Thank you.

You-you know

my relationship with Matthew has nothing to do with you.

Um, it has everything to do with me.

No, it's about me and it's about Matthew.

And it's about the fact that if I wanna date Matthew

and have sex with Matthew

there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Well, yes, there is.

If I wanna go there and have sex with Matthew right now

I can just do it.

- Well, I forbid it. - I'm doin' it.

- No. - We're doin' it.

I forbid you!

[indistinct chattering]

No, Barb. I forbid it. I forbid it.

I forbid it!

No.

No, I forbid it. I for..

[grunts]

No, I forbid it! I forbid it!

- We're doin' it. - No.

- Matthew, get over here. - Don't, you stay inside.

- Matthew. - Matthew.

- Matthew! - Come to mama.

Stay inside.

Stay inside.

Stay inside.

I forbid it.

- Hey. - Hey.

I brought you your birthday present.

I think you're really gonna like it.

- Is it a gag gift? - No.

It's a wine glass. Here, let me pour you some wine.

Is it gonna dribble down my chin?

Christine.

Alright, well, if you're opposed to having fun

don't open the can of peanuts that Ritchie's gonna give you.

Richard...I made out with Matthew.

Oh, my God.

You finally did it.

It was the only thing left. Ugh, God.

In a dream.

God, Christine.

If it's a dream, you start with "I had a dream."

I thought you meant for real. Jeez, what're you doing?

I wanted it to be as upsetting for you as it was for me.

- Why? - Oh, I don't know.

But I had to tell someone.

And the worst part is, I forbid them from dating.

- They're gonna date anyway. - Hold on.

Are you telling me they're in violation of your royal decree.

Off with their heads!

Richard, don't make fun. This is serious business.

I'm having a really hard time with it.

And it's my birthday month.

I-I understand.

It's gonna take a minute to get used to the idea, but..

You're making this about you.

Right.

No, I'm saying that's wrong.

Wrong? How could that be wrong?

Because there are other people involved.

Who?

Barb and Matthew.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying.

They did this to me.

Let me get you a glass of wine.

I hate her.

I should've punched her, that's what I should've done.

Forbid me, forbid this.

- Why is this her business? - It's not.

If we wanna be in love, we can be in love.

- Are we in love? - I don't know.

It'll really piss Christine off.

Okay, I'll be in love.

Seriously, are we gonna try this?

I don't know, it was fun in the garage.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, what are you doing?

- Just thought you said tha-- - Oh, no, I want to.

I do but could we take it slow?

Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

This is nice.

This will show her.

What if they're happy together? More than happy together.

What if they're soul mates?

You know how hard it is to find someone?

I've never done it.

I was there.

So maybe, instead of thinking about how this affects you

you should be thinking about how it'd affect someone else.

Just try thinking about them, without thinking about you.

Alright, well, I can do that.

Um..

So they're dating. So that's nice for them.

- Could be good for me because-- - No, no, no.

Not about you, just for a second.

If they moved in together, then I--

Uh-uh.

- If they got married, my-- - Who?

They might be very happy together.

That's it.

That's it. Then who am I mad at?

You've still got Sizzler.

All you can eat means all you can eat, Richard.

All you can eat does not mean all you can fit in your purse.

Well, they're gonna need to get a better sign then, right?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

This isn't happening, is it?

I think it was only happening in the first place

to piss Christine off.

Not in the garage, the garage was fun.

Oh, the garage was great.

Does this building have a garage?

No.

What are we gonna do?

We can't let Christine think she can forbid us.

- We're not gonna back down. - That's right.

We'll get married if we have to.

By the way, my family's gonna hate you.

My grandfather's not exactly gonna make a toast, either.

[knock on the door]

What do you want, Christine?

Did you forget to forbid something?

- Ah, I deserve that. - You deserve more than that.

Easy, honey.

Yeah, well, honey's right.

That stupid Richard is right. Okay, this isn't about me.

If you guys are happy together as a couple, then that's great.

No matter how much it completely grosses me out

you can just go ahead and be a couple and kiss.

- That's okay. - We're good.

No, really. I know I made it awkward for you guys before.

So just go ahead and kiss.

'Kiss.'

Come on, kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss--

Stop it!

What? Why?

We're not really that into each other anymore.

Well, I just got used to the idea.

That's too weird.

Yeah, we were just doing it to piss you off.

That is why you slept together?

Oh, no, no, no. That was for fun.

- So much fun. - Stop it.

But after that, it was mainly to piss you off.

Oh, so these whole time you were thinking about me?

Yep.

Sorry.

Ah.

I knew it's about me.

Stupid Richard.

I am hungry but I'm not seeing anything I want.

I see something I want.

[gasps]

Stupid Christine.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]