All language subtitles for The New Adventures of Old Christine S0309 The Happy Couple

Pete and I split up
six months ago

when I haven't even
gone out on a date.

- What happened to you?
- Because I'm scared.

I've only been with one man,
I don't know what it's gonna be.

Well, uh, Pete was 6'5"
with a size 14 shoe.

So you might want to start
by lowering your expectations.

I don't know anything.

You know, been with only
one man, I have no contacts.

You know what I'm saying?
I need contacts.

Well, I'm-I'm sure you won't
have a problem finding contacts.

Smaller contacts than
you're used to, maybe.

But contacts.

Yeah.

Maybe..

[instrumental music]

Matthew, I'm gonna
need you back here

at 3 o'clock this afternoon
to pick me up.

Okay, fine, but you know,
it doesn't really count

as car pooling if you never
drive, pay for gas or thank me.

It's for the environment,
Matthew. Why must you fight me?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Hey. Wow, jeez.

Barb, you're all
sexed out today.

This things are up-close
and personal.

- Somebody have a date?
- No.

- What?
- I don't know.

- It's hot in here.
- But not with each other.

What?

You look beautiful.

Didn't do anything
different, huh.

It's embarrassing.

So, uh, Barb, how are you?

Uh, are you feeling
okay about everything?

I really wish, I'd worn
a different sweater

but other than that..

I'm talking about the sex..

Oh, uh, I haven't done
a lot of that.

So how does the post sex
work exactly?

Ah, there's usually
awkward conversations

uncomfortable silences

the haunting
soundbytes of things

you wish you hadn't said.

I regretted saying,
"Come to mama."

Me too.

- But it was fun.
- No, I-I had fun, too.

- Did you tell Christine?
- God, no. Are you kidding me?

She felt left out that time

you and I both accidentally
wore green shirts.

And then for a month the three
of us had to get dressed

together every morning.

What are you guys talking about?

And when did you both
decide to wear jeans?

- You're wearing jeans too.
- Oh, yeah, we're the same.

So what, what is going on?

It's nothing to do with you.

[gasps]

Oh. You're talking
about my birthday.

She guessed it.

And now you ruined
the surprise.

Oh, no.
You still got two days.

And if you're thinking
cashmere wrap

you're on the right track.

God, that was close.

Are you kidding?
It's her birthday month.

I could smear cake all over
your naked body

and lick it off
right in front of her

and all she'll see is cake.

Come to mama.

I heard that. You're talking
about cake, right?

Well, if you're thinking berry,
you're on the right track.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I got it.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Banana.

I'm not doing this anymore,
go do your homework.

Oh, my God, can we please
have some adult conversation?

I slept with Barb.

Here, everybody is a comedian.

No, I really did.

- Come on.
- I'm serious.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

When?

Where, how?

The other night, on a futon,
the regular way.

She let you do that?

That's not the regular way.

- It was fun.
- Of course it was fun.

It was sex with Barb.

Is she bossy?
Is she rough?

She's bossy and rough, right?

It's-it's a little weird.

Oh, weird. Fantastic, I knew it.

What? You thought about it?

I think about it with everyone.
I'm a guy.

Don't you?

I think, I'm a different
kind of guy.

[door closes]

[scoffs]

Okay, I know what you guys
are talking about

and I've been thinking about
the same thing too.

See, everyone thinks about it.

She's talking about
her birthday.

Oh. When's your birthday?

In two days, silly.

Aw.

Oh, come on.

Anyway, birthdays are
for children and so..

what I'd like you to do is,
whatever money you're gonna

spend on me,
give that to charity.

Sure, what's your
favorite charity?

Oh, it doesn't matter.
Something with kids or gays or..

Oh, gay kids would be good.

Gimme the receipts
so that I can write it off.

And if you want, you can put the
receipt inside a cashmere wrap.

Wow, she's really a giver.

In fact, when we were married

she gave me nothing
but aggravation, am I right?

It's just me here, man..

Sorry. So, you and Barb.

Yeah, listen.
You can't tell anyone.

- It's gotta be like a secret.
- No problem.

It's a little hot in the car,
I'm gonna grab water.

Were you sitting in the car?

It was a long ride from
school with Ritchie's jokes.

If the answer to one more
question was banana

I was gonna knock, knock
his teeth out.

Barb and Matthew slept together.

Hey.

She's my one tell.
Everybody gets one tell.

Okay, one, but that's it.

So you and Barb, wow.

What's it like?
I bet it was intense.

And extra hot because
of the taboo of sleeping

with your sister's best friend.

But you didn't care,
'cause once you got started

your lust took over and drove
you both over the brink.

Until you collapsed into
a sweaty shivery mass.

Richard, can I
see you in the car?

Yep.

[instrumental music]

I thought she didn't
want a party.

She said, "Whatever you do,
don't throw me a party."

It's like when she says

"Whatever you do, don't lemme
eat this whole thing"

or "Don't lemme drink more
than two glasses of wine"

or "Whatever you do, don't
leave me alone with this guy."

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

What did you tell him?

Nothing.

He was very respectful,
he gave no details.

But we imagined it was
intense and rough. Was it?

- Matthew.
- I'm sorry, he was my one tell.

- And she's my one tell.
- It's supposed to be a secret.

[scoffs]

You guys can't keep a secret.

Who told you they had sex?

- Who?
- Matthew and Barb.

What?

Okay, she's my one tell.

(together)
Surprise.

What, I-I-I can't believe this.

Well, happy birthday.

- We should probably get going.
- See if you can get details.

- And I better get going.
- 'No.'

No, you two are staying, sit.

What the hell?
You two slept together?

Don't freak out.

We were in your garage
and it just happened.

Oh, my God. In my garage?

Ritchie's crib is in that
garage and my weed-whacker.

And my wedding dress.

Every time I wear that dress now
I'm gonna think of your sex.

Uh, oh, God,
how could this happen?

Barb, you're like my sister.
Matthew, you are my brother.

It's like a brother
and a sister doing it.

What? No, it's nothing like
that. She's not my sister.

I am your sister.
Did you ever once, think of me?

Never once while
I was in that garage.

Well, maybe you should.

What are you trying
to do to me?

Christine, I know,
it's a little weird.

Oh, it's a lot weird.
It's too close, it's incestuous.

And you know, it's a terrible
birthday present, by the way.

We got you a berry cake.

I don't care about the cake.
This is huge news.

I'm going to my room
to decide how I feel about this.

And Matthew,
whatever you do

do not let me
eat this whole thing.

Matthew, did I not say,
do not let me do this?

Sorry about the cake,
wine or man.

Listen, I was thinking..

If you and Barb
wanna be a couple

then you should go ahead
and be a couple.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's a little
weird for me.

But if you're happy,
that's what I want.

Well, thanks.

I know that's not easy 'cause it
involves people who aren't you.

- I just want you to be happy.
- Thank you.

But you know, I was wondering

Do you ever think that maybe

I could be the one
to make you happy?

What?

Let me be the one to make
you happy, Matthew.

[screaming]

What's the matter,
are you okay?

Oh, my..

I had a dream,
it was horrible.

Oh, I dreamt
I kissed you.

Oh, God. Calm down, calm down.

It's not that horrible.

[screaming]

Oh.

Oh, it's a dream.

Two dreams.

Just horrible,
horrible dreams.

Well, it's okay.

I'm okay.

[screaming]

It's over.

You dropped your complaint
with Sizzler?

No, that's not near over.

They pissed off
the wrong customer.

But you and Barb are done.

Okay, the whole idea
of you two together

has completely messed me up.

Worst birthday gift ever,
by the way.

I don't know how you got
from cashmere wrap to that.

- Never again, do you hear me?
- What are you talking about?

I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.

I forbid you from seeing Barb.

- Forbid me, you can't do that.
- Oh, yeah. I think I can.

You work for me,
you live in my house.

You're my little brother,
consider yourself forbidden.

You can't talk to me like
a child, I'm going to my room.

My room.

I own you. I own you, Matthew.

No, no. Nobody owns
Matthew but Matthew.

I am so not attracted
to him right now.

My coffee.

Who's yelling? Are you on
the phone with Sizzler again?

Why aren't you dressed? I told
you I'll pick you up at eight.

Yeah, well, I had a rough night.

Listen, I have come
to the conclusion

that I am not okay
with you dating Matthew.

In fact, I mean,
I have to forbid you.

- Forbid me?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't think you
wanna do that.

- Well, as your boss--
- As your partner.

As the senior partner,
I forbid it.

As the partner
who can kick your ass..

...I'll date whoever I want.

- Ha ha ha, not my brother.
- Yeah, your brother.

Barb, you know honestly

I-I just cannot believe

how ungrateful
you're being right now

And exactly, what am I supposed
to be grateful for?

Barb, come on.
Don't make me say it.

Everything.

You're incredible.

[smacks lips]

Thank you.

You-you know

my relationship with Matthew
has nothing to do with you.

Um, it has everything
to do with me.

No, it's about me
and it's about Matthew.

And it's about the fact that
if I wanna date Matthew

and have sex with Matthew

there's nothing
you can do to stop it.

Well, yes, there is.

If I wanna go there and have
sex with Matthew right now

I can just do it.

- Well, I forbid it.
- I'm doin' it.

- No.
- We're doin' it.

I forbid you!

[indistinct chattering]

No, Barb. I forbid it.
I forbid it.

I forbid it!

No.

No, I forbid it.
I for..

[grunts]

No, I forbid it!
I forbid it!

- We're doin' it.
- No.

- Matthew, get over here.
- Don't, you stay inside.

- Matthew.
- Matthew.

- Matthew!
- Come to mama.

Stay inside.

Stay inside.

Stay inside.

I forbid it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I brought you
your birthday present.

I think you're really
gonna like it.

- Is it a gag gift?
- No.

It's a wine glass.
Here, let me pour you some wine.

Is it gonna dribble
down my chin?

Christine.

Alright, well, if you're
opposed to having fun

don't open the can of peanuts
that Ritchie's gonna give you.

Richard...I made out
with Matthew.

Oh, my God.

You finally did it.

It was the only thing left.
Ugh, God.

In a dream.

God, Christine.

If it's a dream,
you start with "I had a dream."

I thought you meant for real.
Jeez, what're you doing?

I wanted it to be as upsetting
for you as it was for me.

- Why?
- Oh, I don't know.

But I had to tell someone.

And the worst part is,
I forbid them from dating.

- They're gonna date anyway.
- Hold on.

Are you telling me they're in
violation of your royal decree.

Off with their heads!

Richard, don't make fun.
This is serious business.

I'm having a really
hard time with it.

And it's my birthday month.

I-I understand.

It's gonna take a minute
to get used to the idea, but..

You're making this about you.

Right.

No, I'm saying that's wrong.

Wrong? How could that be wrong?

Because there are
other people involved.

Who?

Barb and Matthew.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I see
what you're saying.

They did this to me.

Let me get you
a glass of wine.

I hate her.

I should've punched her,
that's what I should've done.

Forbid me, forbid this.

- Why is this her business?
- It's not.

If we wanna be in love,
we can be in love.

- Are we in love?
- I don't know.

It'll really piss
Christine off.

Okay, I'll be in love.

Seriously,
are we gonna try this?

I don't know,
it was fun in the garage.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, what are you doing?

- Just thought you said tha--
- Oh, no, I want to.

I do but could we
take it slow?

Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

This is nice.

This will show her.

What if they're happy together?
More than happy together.

What if they're soul mates?

You know how hard
it is to find someone?

I've never done it.

I was there.

So maybe, instead of thinking
about how this affects you

you should be thinking about
how it'd affect someone else.

Just try thinking about them,
without thinking about you.

Alright, well, I can do that.

Um..

So they're dating.
So that's nice for them.

- Could be good for me because--
- No, no, no.

Not about you,
just for a second.

If they moved in together,
then I--

Uh-uh.

- If they got married, my--
- Who?

They might be very
happy together.

That's it.

That's it.
Then who am I mad at?

You've still got Sizzler.

All you can eat means
all you can eat, Richard.

All you can eat does not mean
all you can fit in your purse.

Well, they're gonna need to get
a better sign then, right?

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

This isn't happening, is it?

I think it was only happening
in the first place

to piss Christine off.

Not in the garage,
the garage was fun.

Oh, the garage was great.

Does this building
have a garage?

No.

What are we gonna do?

We can't let Christine
think she can forbid us.

- We're not gonna back down.
- That's right.

We'll get married
if we have to.

By the way, my family's
gonna hate you.

My grandfather's not exactly
gonna make a toast, either.

[knock on the door]

What do you want, Christine?

Did you forget
to forbid something?

- Ah, I deserve that.
- You deserve more than that.

Easy, honey.

Yeah, well, honey's right.

That stupid Richard is right.
Okay, this isn't about me.

If you guys are happy together
as a couple, then that's great.

No matter how much
it completely grosses me out

you can just go ahead
and be a couple and kiss.

- That's okay.
- We're good.

No, really. I know I made
it awkward for you guys before.

So just go ahead and kiss.

'Kiss.'

Come on, kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss,
kiss, kiss, kiss--

Stop it!

What? Why?

We're not really that
into each other anymore.

Well, I just got
used to the idea.

That's too weird.

Yeah, we were just doing
it to piss you off.

That is why you slept together?

Oh, no, no, no.
That was for fun.

- So much fun.
- Stop it.

But after that, it was
mainly to piss you off.

Oh, so these whole time
you were thinking about me?

Yep.

Sorry.

Ah.

I knew it's about me.

Stupid Richard.

I am hungry but I'm not
seeing anything I want.

I see something I want.

[gasps]

Stupid Christine.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]