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1
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:05,241
(applause on television)
2
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:06,713
Hey, what are you watching?
3
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,640
(voice breaking):
Uh, Oprah.
4
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:14,818
(sobbing):
This woman adopted 17 kids.
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,448
Then her
husband died
6
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:19,554
and Oprah...
7
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,517
(high-pitched):
...bought her a house.
8
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,385
Give me the
damn tissue.
9
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,192
She is just killing me.
10
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:27,597
Wow,
11
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,258
I haven't seen you
this emotional since yesterday
12
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,427
when Oprah paid for surgery
for the turtle lady.
13
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,295
You didn't tell me
about the turtle lady.
14
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,605
Barb, the woman looked
like a turtle.
15
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,208
I didn't think
you could handle it.
16
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,741
I do not care for people
17
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,545
who look like things
that aren't people.
18
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:47,216
(sniffles)
19
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:48,818
God, I love Oprah.
20
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,579
She is so happy and generous
21
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,188
and successful.
22
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,450
You know what makes her
different from me?
23
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,217
You just listed three things.
24
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,556
N-N-No.
25
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,660
She doesn't let
little things bother her.
26
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:01,102
You know, she believes
there's an infinite amount
27
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:02,459
of happiness in the world
28
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:05,366
and the more you give,
the more you receive.
29
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,139
I'm gonna start being more
like Oprah.
30
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,438
This isn't
going
31
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:09,539
to be like the time
when you decided
32
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,310
to be more like Andy Rooney?
33
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:14,309
Because that got
real annoying real fast.
34
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:15,382
No, no,
35
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:16,609
although I did think
I made
36
00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,314
some very interesting
observations.
37
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:21,476
Why a CD cases
so hard to open?
38
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,321
Anyway, you know what?
This is gonna be good for me
39
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:27,493
'cause I've been thinking
about this for a while.
40
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:30,591
I'm gonna let go
and give back to the universe.
41
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,834
Hey, can you start
by giving me back
42
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,489
the $100 you borrowed last week?
43
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:36,227
Yeah, take it up
with the universe.
44
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,134
(door opens)
45
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,766
Hey.
Hey, what's going on?
46
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,340
Nothing.
47
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,639
Just stopped by to say hi.
48
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,411
And while I'm here
I was wondering
49
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,509
if I could take our old couch
out of the garage.
50
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,641
I'm thinking about moving
into a new place.
51
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:51,177
Sure, go ahead.
52
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,452
When are you thinking
you might move?
53
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,480
I don't know.
54
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:55,515
Tomorrow.
55
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,419
Oh.
56
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,721
You found an apartment already?
57
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,522
I don't know.
58
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,494
Bought a house.
59
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,793
You bought a house?
60
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,625
I don't know.
61
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,230
I'm sorry.
62
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:09,933
What?
63
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,173
What are you sorry for?
64
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,829
That's great. Congratulations.
65
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,496
I don't know why you're
making a big deal
66
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,295
of the fact that
we bought a house.
67
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,367
W-Wait, wait a...
wait a minute. "We?"
68
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:20,536
Yeah, me and New Christine,
we're moving in together.
69
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:21,714
Why are you freaking out?
70
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,312
I'm not.
Stop yelling at me.
71
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,614
I'm not.
72
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,275
It's just
that it's big news.
73
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:29,524
I can't believe
you didn't tell us before.
74
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,560
Oh, my God.
75
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,763
You told everyone
except you didn't tell me?
76
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:44,565
I didn't tell you
because I didn't think
you'd take it well.
77
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,698
I know how other people's
happiness can upset you.
78
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:52,209
Richard, just because I enjoy
other people's unhappiness
79
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,910
doesn't mean
that I can't be happy
80
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,581
when other people are happy.
81
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,579
Besides, that was old Christine.
82
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,611
You are Old Christine.
83
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,346
No.
84
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,381
I mean I've decided
to let things go.
85
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,317
There's enough happiness out
there for both of us, Richard.
86
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,594
What's your game?
87
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,792
There's pee on that
couch, isn't there?
88
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,594
No, no game, no pee.
89
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:16,597
I'm giving the couch
to the universe.
90
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,900
So... I can't have it?
91
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,472
No, take it.
92
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:21,841
Oh, because when you
said you were giving it
93
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:22,769
to the universe, I didn't
know if you meant...
94
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,613
Okay, yeah, go, go, go.
95
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,438
Cool, thanks.
96
00:03:27,475 --> 00:03:29,905
I wonder if Oprah has to deal
with dumbasses all day.
97
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,451
Hey, does Richard know
we're coming?
98
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,717
No, I thought
I'd surprise them
99
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,564
with a batch
of freshly baked cookies.
100
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:43,760
That's what Oprah would do.
101
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,331
That's nice.
102
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,459
What'd you put in the cookies?
103
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:48,825
Nothing. I'm nice now.
104
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,432
Yeah, I'm still
not eating a cookie
105
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:51,534
until I see
you eat one.
106
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,325
(scoffs)
107
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,397
God, I love this neighborhood.
108
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,906
The trees are so big; everybody
keeps their lawns so nice.
109
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,368
You know, my favorite house
is around here somewhere.
110
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,438
Richard and I used to drive
by it all the time.
111
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,676
Had this big front porch
and a swing
112
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,552
and beautiful windows
and this charming walkway.
113
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,651
Mm.
114
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,792
I ovulated every time I saw it.
115
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,549
Oh.
116
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,687
Right there.
Right there.
117
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,493
What?
What?
118
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,756
MATTHEW:
This is it.
119
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,303
Richard
and New Christine's house.
120
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,900
No, this is my dream house.
121
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:27,671
Richard and New Christine
bought your dream house?
122
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,801
You have got to be
freakin' kidding me.
123
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,412
Let's just go.
124
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,814
Th-This house
isn't that great.
125
00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:40,446
What's that smell?
126
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,451
Night-blooming jasmine.
127
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:45,053
Oh, look it,
they hung a seasonal flag.
128
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:48,755
Oh, right, for people who want
to pledge allegiance to cute.
129
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:49,889
Let's get out of here.
130
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,833
No, we're not going
anywhere.
131
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,359
Are you going to kill him and
bury him under the jasmine?
132
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,825
No, I am not going
to do anything.
133
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,974
I think she had a stroke.
See if she can smile.
134
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,969
I can smile.
135
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,607
I can't tell.
136
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,909
Make her say
the alphabet.
137
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,410
That's going
to be a tough one, too.
138
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,513
Look it, I am fine.
139
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,114
alright?
140
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,115
That dream was a thousand years
ago and I am letting it go.
141
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,078
Besides,
I've got a new dream now.
142
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,717
It involves being evacuated
to a Red Cross shelter
143
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,723
with Jake Gyllenhaal.
144
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,533
Wait,
145
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,658
what's the difference between
him and Joaquin Phoenix?
146
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,004
One of them
is Joaquin Phoenix.
147
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,125
(door opens)
148
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,365
Hey.
Hey.
149
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,471
What are you guys
doing here?
150
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,542
If I'd have known
you were coming
151
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,539
I'd have flown
the welcome flag.
152
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,041
Cute.
153
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:42,042
We wanted to welcome you
to your new beautiful home
154
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,975
and I baked
these cookies.
155
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,981
Oh, you didn't have
to do that.
156
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,783
Yeah, it's for
the universe.
157
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,153
So...
158
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,594
Oh, for God's sakes,
just take the cookies.
159
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,691
(gasps)
160
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,627
Wow, this is quaint.
161
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,462
What's that smell?
Is that food?
162
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:07,467
Yeah, New Christine
is always baking something.
163
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,541
So what do you think?
164
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,540
Do you like it?
165
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:11,711
Yeah, of course I like it.
166
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,739
You know I like it.
167
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,584
It's my dream house.
168
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,039
Thanks for the tour.
We got to go.
169
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,407
No, it's okay.
170
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,406
What, what are you
talking about?
171
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:23,518
(scoffs):
I'm talking about
when we first got married.
172
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,091
Remember,
you used to drive me to work
173
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,748
'cause we only had one car
174
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,957
and we used to go
pretend house shopping?
175
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:32,759
And this is the house
that I pretend bought.
176
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:35,433
Remember, you used to say to me,
"Someday, baby,"
177
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,503
and then I used to stick my hand
down your pants
178
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:38,901
while you were driving?
179
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,765
I remember the hand.
180
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,614
A-And I remember crashing
into the mailbox.
181
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,610
Oh, shoot.
182
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,141
Oh, this is that house.
183
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,606
Right.
184
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:51,814
Oh, Christine,
I completely forgot.
185
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,145
Don't be mad.
No, I'm not.
186
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,650
You're furious.
Oh, man.
187
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,982
No, no, I'm happy for you.
188
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,047
Seriously?
189
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,085
Yep.
190
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,919
Enjoy.
191
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:04,794
Oh, Richard,
why didn't you tell me
192
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,555
we had company?
193
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,464
I was just in the yard
picking some fresh herbs.
194
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:09,596
If you need chervil,
don't buy it.
195
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:10,900
We have so much.
196
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,671
It's working already.
197
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,670
You put out the goodness,
you get back some chervil.
198
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,773
Richard, why don't you
hang the chervil up to dry
199
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,065
and I'll give
our guests a tour?
200
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,466
Can you believe this?
201
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,878
I have a place
to hang the chervil.
202
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:23,539
In my old apartment
I didn't even have a place
203
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,507
to hang my clothes.
204
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,817
Sorry this place
is such a mess.
205
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,779
I've barely had time
to arrange the fresh flowers
206
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,618
and put out the pictures.
207
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,153
Well, you know, your home
is lovely, and the couch seems
208
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,087
to fit in perfectly.
209
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,563
Oh, thanks so much
for giving it to us.
210
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,832
All it took
was a nice throw
211
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,530
and a couple
of accent pillows.
212
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,502
Once we got the pee smell out,
it all came together.
213
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,638
So, uh, where do
you hide the TV?
214
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:48,868
Oh, no, this
is the family room.
215
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,672
No TV in the family room.
216
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,044
But it's such a nice room.
217
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,842
Don't you want people
to sit in it?
218
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,784
We do other things.
219
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,509
We talk, we
tell stories,
220
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:01,005
play games, read--
family things.
221
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,778
You know you have an outlet
right there.
222
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,118
Hi, Mom.
223
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,863
Oh, hi, darling.
224
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,058
You got to see my room.
225
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,889
It's awesome.
Really?
226
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,664
I got bunk beds, and last night
I slept in the top bunk,
227
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,164
and Dad says next time,
if I want,
228
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,725
I can sleep
in the bottom bunk...
229
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,604
Ah.
...and then next
time after that
230
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,232
I can switch back and sleep in
the top bunk, and then I can...
231
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,697
Yeah, yeah, I know
what bunk beds are, darling.
232
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,067
Oh, I love it here.
233
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,165
Oh, of course you do.
234
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,209
I'm gonna open up
some wine.
235
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,713
I'll get a bottle
from the cellar.
236
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,551
You grab her legs,
I'll grab her arms.
237
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,953
We'll try to throw her on
the lawn before she explodes.
238
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,754
Guys, stop it. I'm fine, really.
239
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:42,217
You heard her say
they had a wine cellar.
240
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,755
Yeah, and that's wonderful.
241
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,831
There's enough happiness
and wine cellars
242
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,699
out there for everyone.
243
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,898
Oprah wouldn't freak out.
I'm not going to freak out.
244
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,200
Oprah doesn't like wine
as much as you do.
245
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,672
Ernest and Julio Gallo don't
like wine as much as you do.
246
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:56,903
Well, you know what?
247
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:57,937
I'm not going
to let it bother me.
248
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,611
It's actually kind of a relief
249
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,340
to be able to enjoy
somebody else's good fortune
250
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,214
without hoping
that they get heart disease.
251
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,683
I never did that, but I know
somebody else who did.
252
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,624
I can't believe she's
got all her pictures up
253
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,220
and everything already.
254
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,751
I haven't even put my wedding
pictures in an album yet.
255
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:14,757
(clicks tongue)
256
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,558
Guess there's no rush there.
257
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:20,191
Oh, there's her dad.
258
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:20,957
(chuckles)
259
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,364
Slept with him.
260
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,255
Richard-- slept with him.
261
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,199
Is that her brother?
262
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,935
Boy, he looks familiar.
263
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,775
What the hell is this?
264
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:38,810
BARB:
Looks like a family portrait.
265
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,646
With my family.
266
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,651
Just give it
to the universe.
267
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,954
Sorry it took so long.
268
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,256
I had to cut the cheese.
269
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,618
Richard, not every time.
270
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,864
We have to go.
271
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,263
You just got here.
Yeah?
272
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,134
Well, we're leaving,
and it turns out
273
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,073
I just remembered I'm going
to need that couch back.
274
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,828
You said you weren't using it.
275
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,127
Yeah, well, I was wrong.
276
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,968
I am going to be using it
in my house
277
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,843
per my new decorating plan.
278
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,982
You're not the only one who gets
to have a nice house, Richard.
279
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,408
Why are you
doing this?
280
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,842
Was it
the "cut the cheese" joke?
281
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,648
No, it was not.
282
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,080
Barb, Matthew,
come on.
283
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,024
Ritchie, we're leaving!
284
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,345
How are we going to get this
back to your place?
285
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,856
Just do it!
286
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,189
(grunts loudly)
287
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:28,125
You have a
lovely home.
288
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,996
Come on.
289
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,865
Come on!
290
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,414
(grunting):
Son of a...
291
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,168
I think it's stuck in the door.
292
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:44,677
No, it... is... not...
293
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:48,152
stuck... in... the...
294
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:56,985
Damn it!
295
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,694
Is this where
you wanted it?
296
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,457
Yep.
297
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,034
Perfect.
298
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,803
Welcome to my dream house.
299
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:21,254
(strained grunting)
300
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,381
We probably should have used
those double doors
301
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,386
to bring it in.
302
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,188
It got through their door.
303
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,490
Their door is bigger.
304
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,361
Of course it is.
305
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,930
Stupid tiny door.
306
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,190
(grunts)
307
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,227
(strained screams)
308
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,262
You stupid house!
309
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:40,827
(screams in frustration)
310
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:44,098
God, I hate this place!
311
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:49,177
(screaming in frustration)
312
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,749
(shouting and screaming)
313
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,049
(screaming in
frustration)
314
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,020
I don't watch her show
as much as you do.
315
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:58,118
Does Oprah do this kind
of stuff a lot?
316
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,221
Well, she's never been through
the kind of adversity
317
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,063
that I have been through.
318
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,029
Oprah grew up a poor black
girl in rural Mississippi
319
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:07,428
in the '50s
with no parents.
320
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,130
Yeah, well, I grew up
in the '70s with my parents,
321
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:14,403
and I have a couch
jammed in my door.
322
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,804
I guess it's a tie.
323
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,237
(sighs)
324
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,811
I tried to be the
bigger person.
325
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,781
You saw me.
I tried to let it go.
326
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,480
I was wonderful.
327
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,281
But then I saw that picture
of her and Ritchie and Richard
328
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:30,454
as this perfect little family,
and I couldn't do it.
329
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:32,253
I know, it's a bummer.
330
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,345
No, it's more than a bummer.
It's a lie.
331
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:37,017
That picture makes it look
as if she is Ritchie's mother,
332
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,887
and she is not.
(slapping hand on ground)
333
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,426
You don't see me taking pictures
334
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,260
of myself and Ritchie
and my boyfriend.
335
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,526
You don't have
a boyfriend.
336
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,804
Oh, God, I'm so lonely.
337
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:49,135
Look,
338
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,099
I'm not saying you're wrong.
339
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,938
And I think you've handled
yourself with great dignity.
340
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,106
But they could have
a long life together,
341
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,475
with a lot of pictures.
342
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,412
Their faces are going to
be on Christmas cards,
343
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:05,448
screen savers, and now they
can even get stamps made.
344
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,145
Oh, maybe they'll go
to Knott's Berry Farm
345
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,317
and get one of those
old-timey photos.
346
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,985
Those are great.
347
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:13,933
I'm not a big fan of
the old-timey photos.
348
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,001
They make me
uncomfortable.
349
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,295
The worst part is,
350
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,572
is that they do have
the perfect little family.
351
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,301
They have
that dream house
352
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,306
with a family room
and the...
353
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:29,438
fresh-made food
and a place to hang the gerbil.
354
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,453
(mouthing)
355
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,248
No wonder Ritchie
loves it there.
356
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:38,954
Who wouldn't?
357
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,246
Hey, come on, there's enough
happiness for everyone.
358
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:42,218
No, there isn't.
359
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,085
Of course there is.
360
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,934
If Richard and New Christine can
live the dream, you can, too.
361
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:49,199
I don't even know anyone
who knows Jake Gyllenhaal.
362
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,199
But you're right.
363
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,331
I know. If Oprah can make
her dreams come true,
364
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:56,336
then I can make my dreams
come true, too.
365
00:13:56,369 --> 00:14:00,039
(motor idling)
I have a lot to be grateful for.
366
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:03,183
(blower whirring)
367
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,482
(motor idling)
368
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,484
Yeah, you have a gardener.
369
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,357
We are going to be
the kind of family
370
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,232
Ritchie can't wait
to come home to.
371
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:23,331
Look at this, Matthew.
We built a bed.
372
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,403
No, I built a bed
and you bossed me around.
373
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,932
As a family.
374
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,901
Sorry I'm late.
Did Oprah start yet?
375
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,438
Oh, my God,
what happened?
376
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,372
We built a bunk bed.
377
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,537
No, where's the TV?
378
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,206
Oh, we got rid of the TV.
379
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,945
I'm making this
more of a family room
380
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,210
where we do family things:
381
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:43,318
we're going to read
and tell stories
382
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:45,520
and eat homemade meals.
383
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,522
Christine,
384
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,264
where is the TV?
385
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,190
Barb, I'm committed
to making this house
386
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,196
more, you know... homey.
387
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,969
I'm not your homey.
388
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,272
I want to watch TV.
389
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,400
You know
390
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:02,504
what I'm talking about.
391
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,235
I think it looks better already.
392
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,271
And look, we had
our family portrait done.
393
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:07,306
(screams)
394
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,408
Who did that to you?
395
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,413
I took it. That's as comfortable
as they get
396
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,315
in front of a camera.
397
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,988
Okay, let's get this bunk bed
up to Ritchie's room.
398
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,688
I want it to be there
when he gets home.
399
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,449
After this can we watch TV?
400
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,058
(grunts)
401
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,620
No, after this I'm
getting my guitar out.
402
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,227
Oh, come on!
403
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,429
Come on, guys.
Give me a break.
404
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,330
I learned a new chord.
405
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,502
This is going to be so great.
406
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,201
We are going to be
one big happy family.
407
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:37,304
(bed scraping on wall)
408
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,437
It's not going to fit.
409
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,712
What?
410
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:46,405
Hmm. I think you got
a problem, homey.
411
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,578
Ritchie, dinner.
412
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,457
Thanks for my new bed, Mom.
413
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,329
Oh, you're welcome.
414
00:15:58,358 --> 00:15:59,358
What are we doing?
415
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,462
We're eating dinner.
416
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:01,463
Where are we going?
417
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,534
We're eating here.
418
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:03,632
Where did you order from?
419
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,233
I made it.
420
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,765
What are we doing?
Okay, just sit down.
421
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,539
You'll understand
as soon as it starts happening.
422
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,471
Okay, you know what?
423
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,076
Before we eat,
424
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:16,538
I thought we could go around
the table
425
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,376
and everybody could say
why they are thankful
426
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,412
to be a part of this family.
427
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,462
Amen.
428
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,032
Okay,
429
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,161
let's eat.
430
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,500
Oh, what the hell is this?
431
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,072
It's shepherd's pie.
432
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,371
Except I didn't have potatoes,
433
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,672
(strains):
so I... used macaroni.
434
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,314
I didn't have meat, so I used,
435
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:50,110
uh... tuna.
436
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:52,583
Can you explain the raisins?
437
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:55,482
Well, I can explain
that they are not raisins.
438
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,500
Uh...
439
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,370
Ritchie...
440
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:15,399
why don't you get your jacket...
441
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,835
and, um... Uncle Matthew
and Aunt Barb
442
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,540
are going to take you
out to dinner.
443
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,672
Yay!
Yay!
444
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,554
Well, this was a disaster.
445
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,149
And worse news,
now the raisins are gone.
446
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,257
Well, I thought
there was enough happiness
447
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,559
out there for everyone,
but there isn't.
448
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,561
Richard's got it all.
449
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:43,263
Well, at least he has
heart disease in his family.
450
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,226
Christine.
451
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,474
I'm not saying
452
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,368
I hope he gets
heart disease, okay?
453
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,700
I'm just saying that if he does
get it, that would be fair.
454
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,572
Ah, who am I kidding?
Life's not fair.
455
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,577
You have a great life.
456
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,349
I mean, yeah, you don't have
a boyfriend or a wine cellar
457
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:04,879
or a nice house or the ability
to cook or depth or morals.
458
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,287
But?
459
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,589
Oh, yeah, you have a big butt.
460
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,704
Okay, I'm ready.
461
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:16,698
Where are we going?
462
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,469
Some place with a TV.
463
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,428
Christine, you coming?
464
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,526
No.
465
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:21,467
Somebody's got to stay here.
466
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,671
The door is always open.
467
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,613
Why don't you put that picture
out front
468
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,738
with the shepherd's pie?
I think you'll be safe.
469
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:31,812
You guys go ahead.
I'll be fine, really.
470
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,784
Why don't we go out
the back door?
471
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:37,223
Oh, you can't.
The TV is jammed in there.
472
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,671
Hello?
473
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,369
CHRISTINE:
No one's here.
474
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,871
Oh. Wait, what?
475
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,573
I'm not really in the mood
for company right now.
476
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,806
Okay.
477
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,180
I just brought
your cookie plate back,
478
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,910
with a homemade pear
and berry galette.
479
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,914
It's Martha Stewart's recipe.
480
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,616
You have to blanche the pears
and make a simple syrup.
481
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,849
The secret ingredient
is freshly grated nutmeg.
482
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,694
You can really tell
the difference.
483
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,360
(sobs)
484
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:18,626
I'll just leave it.
485
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,896
Wait. What's
happening?
486
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,799
Nothing.
487
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,301
I'm just having a hard time.
488
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,604
Yeah, well, I'm not doing
that great either.
489
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,937
I'll go.
490
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,246
What?
491
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,679
I'm so tired.
492
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:45,550
Oh, uh, you know what?
493
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,945
I should probably tell you that
we had a lot of leftover parts
494
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:48,917
when we built this bed,
495
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,485
so if you hear a creak
496
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,563
you better jump off of there
right away.
497
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:54,963
I don't care.
498
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,934
Let it crush me.
499
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:01,304
What is the matter with you?
500
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,004
I just can't do it.
501
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,935
The pressure is killing me.
502
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,611
I've been getting up at 4:00
in the morning
503
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,979
to bake and clean
and decorate and marinate.
504
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,308
I don't know how much longer
I can keep it up.
505
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:12,714
What?
506
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:16,245
I thought you liked
doing all that stuff.
507
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,253
Sometimes I think it would
be great to just lay around
508
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:19,945
and do nothing like you.
No offense.
509
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,916
Oh, none taken.
510
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:24,024
I was trying to be
like Martha Stewart.
511
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,786
And then Richard really
liked it, so I couldn't stop.
512
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,896
I just wish I lived
in a crap hole like this place.
513
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,258
No offense.
514
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:33,367
Oh, none taken.
515
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,470
I just want
to make Richard happy.
516
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,772
I don't want to run him off
like you did. No offense.
517
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:40,274
Okay, you know what?
That was your last one.
518
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,877
Besides, we ran
each other off.
519
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,279
It doesn't take much
to make Richard happy.
520
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,382
Okay, just take him
for a drive once a week,
521
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:48,784
put your hand
down his pants,
522
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,915
you got him for
at least 12 years.
523
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,050
I love him so much.
524
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,285
Or that.
525
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,792
You know what?
526
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:58,633
Forget about
Martha Stewart.
527
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:01,288
You can't live your life
like someone on TV.
528
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:03,828
That is a lesson
I learned...
529
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,933
five minutes ago.
530
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,295
You can't look at
what someone else has.
531
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:12,705
You have to be grateful
for what you do have.
532
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,309
Why don't we
both go around
533
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:17,611
and say what we're
grateful for.
534
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,408
Well,
535
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,677
I'm grateful for
a wonderful relationship,
536
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:24,075
parents who love me,
537
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,586
a great sex life,
and a beautiful home.
538
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,921
Amen.
35220
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