Original subtitles

Okay, bud, do you have everything:

your lunch, permission slip?

Do you have your homework? Yeah.

Wait. Do you have my sunglasses and my phone?

Where is my key?

(sighs) Okay.

Okay, don't worry about me.

But if you get a chance, call me, okay?

It might help me find my phone.

Okay, Mom.

Okay, yeah, bye, lovey.

I love you. See you, Mom.

Okay, bye, sweetheart.

(horn honking persistently)

MAN: What are you doing?!

I'm so sorry. Just let me back up.

WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey! Don't back up!

Don't back up! (horn honks)

Oops! Okay. Forward!

Going forward!

That'll buff out.

(horns honking)

Oh, boy. What is Christine doing now?

Hey!

Oh...

Sorry. I saw a backwards car. I naturally assumed.

(honking continuing)

MAN: Pull forward!

Oh, God, now Christine's trying to back up.

I'm right here!

Your hair's a mess.

(honking)

alright! Okay!

I'm backing up! (horn honks)

alright, I... I'm backing up!

(horns honking)

Excuse me. Hey, hey, you know what?

You're not going to be able to turn around here.

You need to make a loop around the Kellogg Quad,

then go pass the cafetorium

and then come back by the pergola.

Got it. Do you?

No.

Okay. Uh, yeah. I can show you.

Sweetheart, why don't you come out.

I'm going to show your dad where to park.

I'll find out what a cafetorium is.

I'll be there in five minutes.

WOMAN: Come on. Let's go!

Okay... Are you affiliated with the school,

or is this just a really sexy carjacking?

Oh, no. I'm a parent.

A really sexy parent.

I'm Christine.

Oh, Mike. Hi.

Okay, so, you know what?

Try to squeeze through here--

I use this as a road--

and then try to pull up over there--

I use that as a parking space.

I mean, it's fine. There's never been a fire, so...

So, I haven't seen you around here before.

Ah, it's our first day.

We, uh, started the year late 'cause my son had mono.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm a little overwhelmed

'cause my wife usually handles all this stuff,

but she's out of town on business.

I really miss her.

We've been together forever.

You know, high school sweethearts.

Oh...

We have a wonderful life.

I'm divorced.

Oh, thank God, me too.

I didn't want to make a bad impression.

Wow. It's okay. You're gonna be fine.

And Westbridge is such a great school.

Yeah, it seems like it. Yeah.

My kid's in the gifted and talented program.

Oh, wow. That's impressive.

He's not.

He's got ADD.

What is the matter with you?

I don't know.

Look, I was new here a few years ago, too,

and I was a real mess.

Oh!

Here's my key!

Anyway, you're going to be fine.

You know, I could sure use someone

to show me the ropes around here.

Oh, sorry.

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, no.

Did you think I was asking you out?

No.

Yeah, I'm actually nowhere close to dating.

I still have some healing to do from the divorce.

Well, for me, I knew I was ready

when I stopped wearing slippers to work.

You'll get there.

And his name is Mike,

and he's just like me.

We're both single parents.

We're both really political. You're political?

Yeah, I have a black boyfriend.

When are they going to put you on a stamp?

I don't know. Anyway...

I am going to be his mentor.

I'm going to give him the benefit of my experience.

And you're sure he doesn't want to be more than just friends?

Well, he did ask me out.

And I told him right up front I have a black boyfriend.

He seemed disappointed.

So is everyone when they hear you use the phrase

"black boyfriend."

I mean, I'm just so happy to have a friend at that school.

And guess what?

Ritchie's finally come into his own, too.

He joined the handbell choir.

Oh, really? Was the Wedgie Club full?

I will have you know that the handbell choir

is the most popular elective at that school

among kids who are not good at sports or other things.

Okay, so just pick the three you want

and we will let you know.

MIKE: Okay.

Hey, Mike.

What are you guys doing?

Mike's deciding which jobs to volunteer for.

Just something we involved parents at the school do.

When you're at work.

Hey, I'm on the earthquake phone tree.

If I don't have anything to do

it's Mother Nature's fault, it's not mine.

(sotto voce): I should probably try to find that contact list.

Ooh, come on. I have to get over to maintenance

to find out the name of that guy I want fired.

Oh, right. Fun. Okay, see you later, Mike.

Bye, Mike. Bye.

So what do you got here?

Oh, oh, no-no-no.

You don't want to sign up for lost-and-found duty.

Everything in there has poop on it.

I had a very bad thermos experience.

So what should I sign up for?

Well, it's tricky

because you want something that gets you noticed,

gets you credit, but you don't have to work too hard.

Well, isn't the point of volunteering to participate?

Come on. We're not like Marly and Lindsay.

We're single parents.

We have to be careful with our time.

You know what?

Maybe I can find room for you on the earthquake phone tree.

I don't have a phone yet.

Odds are you won't need one.

Hey, listen, you want to go get a cup of coffee?

What about the parent coffee? Aren't you going to that?

The... uh, the what?

The Tuesday afternoon coffee.

Marly and Lindsay just told me about it.

Oh... the Tuesday coffee.

Oh, I forgot it was Tuesday.

(yowls)

For some reason I thought it was Thursday,

but it is not actually that day called Thursday.

Uh, so I'm not going today...

uh, Tuesday.

Well, Marly and Lindsay are kind of expecting me, so...

Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, you should go.

Yeah, you're new, you know.

You haven't been a thousand times like me,

so I have a boyfriend, so...

I'm going to go upstairs and polish my bells.

Boy, he's growing up fast.

I could never talk about that stuff with our mom.

She did ask you to take shorter showers.

Marly and Lindsay are unbelievable.

You are not going to believe what they did.

Thus, your description of it as unbelievable.

I asked you not to use the word "thus."

And I've asked you to flush after you pee.

They are so jealous of my new friendship

that they lied about some fake afternoon phony coffee thing

just so they could spend time with my friend Mark.

You mean Mike? Whoever. New guy.

The point is,

they saw that we had a connection,

and so they're trying to lure him away

with some fake afternoon thing.

Oh, it's not fake. They do it every week.

What? You've been?

No.

Am I bleeding?

What? What happened?

I hit myself in the head with my bell.

Be careful. You don't want to be the bell ringer in the helmet.

I've got to keep practicing.

Our first parent concert of the season is this Thursday.

Th... uh, there's a whole season?

Mrs. Jones says that if I don't get the timing right,

she's going to tape my clapper.

They're doing drag shows at that school now?

Yeah, isn't it great?

No, I was kidding.

Hey, that's not what you're doing.

Don't repeat that. That's a family joke.

Richard, did you know about this coffee thing

they have every week after school?

Yeah, they invited me. I never go.

It's too crowded.

I don't like big groups.

Big groups?

Does everyone go? Not everyone.

Who doesn't go? You.

Well, I'm going today.

Oh, don't make a scene.

I'm not gonna. I'm just gonna have a cup of coffee.

I don't know why you even care.

I care because I'm Mike's mentor.

And it is my responsibility to warn him

that he's fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Plus, we had a real connection.

We have fun together.

What is the matter with you?

I don't know.

Those meanie moms have everything already.

They're not getting my friend, too.

(indistinct chattering)

(whispering): Hey, Mike.

Mike!

Mark!

(shouts): Mike!

(mouthing words)

Hey, I thought you weren't going to make it. Hey.

Yeah, well, I'm not staying.

Listen, I just came to tell you

you are making a big mistake.

You do not want to hang around with these people.

What people?

Well, most of these people, but specifically

Marly and Lindsay.

They're really, really mean.

Oh, no, they've been nice to me.

Yeah, of course, well,

they're only being nice to you as a way of being mean to me.

I'm telling you they are catty. They gossip.

They're judgmental. They're too skinny.

They don't work, but they got nannies

raising their awful kids, you know...

Christine, stop. I don't want to hear this.

No, no, no, but I'm just telling you for your own good.

Well, look, I'm trying to fit in here for my son's sake.

I mean, he's had mono. He's in a new school.

The divorce was hard on him.

It's been a tough year for the Gays.

What?

Gay. That's our last name.

Wow.

Yeah. Things are tough.

That's why you need me.

I can help you.

These women are just plain mean.

Do you know that they have been having this coffee

for like two years and they have never once invited me?

They don't include me in anything.

Well, did you ever think it might be

because of how you act?

No.

Every piece of advice you've given me

is how to get out of being involved,

who to avoid, who to ignore...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm your mentor.

I'm sorry. I-I just can't

afford to align myself with a...

a meanie mom.

What?!

Meanie mom? Me?!

No-no-no. No, I'm not mean. alright.

I'm the nice one.

Oh, yeah, great, walk away if that's what you think.

Well, that's the last time I help the Gays!

(handbell rings)

(quietly): One, two, three, four, five.

(handbell rings)

(mouthing)

That's it.

Awesome, dude. Awesome.

You guys want to hear it again?

Oh, no.

You don't want to over-rehearse and blow out your wrist

right before the big concert tomorrow.

As it is, I'm going to be singing that song all day.

Okay. I'm going to go upstairs

and try on my outfit for the concert.

Man, even the violin kids

are going to beat the crap out of him.

Welp...

the new guy's a douche.

I thought he was your best friend.

I barely know the guy.

What is the matter with you?

I don't know.

He thinks I'm judgmental.

He thinks I'm mean.

Shut up. I'm not mean.

I'm not as mean as Marly and Lindsay.

But Mike thinks it's my own fault.

He thinks if I were nicer to them, they would be nicer to me.

Man, he is a douche.

You know, I have bent over backwards

to fit in at that school.

He was there for one day,

and they've already invited him to the coffee.

How have you bent over backwards?

I don't tell you everything.

Yes, you do.

Do you really think

that if I extended myself

those women would be nicer to me?

I guess there's no way to find out.

Okay, now, pick that one up and move it.

Okay, now pick that one up and move it.

Good.

Hey, guys.

Hey, I hope I'm not too late.

I'm here to volunteer for the concert setup.

What's going on?

Do you need a character reference

for an upcoming custody hearing?

Nope.

I just had some free time.

I mean, if there's an earthquake,

then I'm going to have to rush to a phone.

(laughs)

Uh, but, um, right now here I am.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Christine.

I'm so glad you decided to come.

Yeah, well, I was able to move my Friday thing

to Wednesday.

So... It is Wednesday.

Right. This is my Friday thing.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

So, uh, what are we doing?

Well, so far I moved some chairs around,

put in the risers,

and I, uh, judged a tummy contest

between Marly and Lindsay.

I won.

The judge said, "Both very nice."

Lindsay, second place is nothing to be ashamed of.

So, look at you.

Yeah, oh, no, no, I'm not in the tummy contest.

I'm getting my period in three days,

God willing.

I have a boyfriend, so...

So you and your boyfriend are having intercourse.

It's good to know.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so nervous.

You know, I don't really hang around these people much,

but the truth is, I thought about what you said

and, I don't know, maybe you're right.

Maybe I've closed myself off to the people at this school,

so here I am.

I don't know what I'm going to say to them, but...

We're just...

we're from two different worlds.

We really don't have anything in common.

MARLY: I'm opening up the Chardonnay.

Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

So I finally just had to let her go.

I mean, if you don't know what side the buttons go on a duvet

what are you even doing in this country?

I got this guy at Subway

who never gets my sandwich right.

I mean, how hard is it?

Six-inch turkey on whole wheat, lettuce, tomato, pickles.

Yeah, I don't think I'd be good on a farm.

No, no, no.

It's not a farm. It's a sandwich shop.

You know, they're everywhere. Subway.

I'm tired from trying to understand what she's saying.

Yeah, who else is here?

Marly?

You know what? I'm worried about you.

You're worried about me?

Yeah, I mean, I know it's none of my business, but...

(whispering): you seem awfully thin.

I do?

Dangerously.

Christine.

You are so sweet.

Are you worried about me?

I think you might be getting too tan.

And I even wear sunblock.

It's just from driving around with the top down.

Okay, pal.

Go backstage with the band.

We're not a band. We're a choir.

I know, honey.

Here, take my picture.

Okay.

CHRISTINE: Thank God you brought that.

At the Christmas concert, I had to pretend

my birth control pills were a camera.

Christine, hey, we saved you a seat.

Ooh. Be careful.

I saw this movie.

They dump pig's blood on you at the prom.

You know what, Richard?

You need to be a little less negative.

Okay, they're not so bad.

They drink their Chardonnay two glasses at a time

just like the rest of us.

What's going on with you?

I finally figured it out, okay?

Getting along

is the way to go; it's better for me.

It's better for Ritchie. Well, I'm not sitting with them.

Yeah, I don't think anyone asked you.

Hey, guys. Hey. Hey.

Thanks for saving me a seat. You're next to me.

Until intermission, then you're next to me.

Wow, I haven't been this popular

since that nympho rumor went around about me in high school.

I'm not a nympho.

Just regular.

What? What, is there something on my face?

You look cute.

Oh, thanks.

What about me? Bad breath.

So, you know, Christine, after the coffee on Tuesdays,

some of us go to another place for coffee

and we talk about the people from the first coffee.

You should totally come.

But keep it to yourself

'cause we don't invite everyone.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

I'll try to make it. Okay.

I wasn't invited to that coffee.

I can't help you now.

(applause)

Hi, yeah.

Yeah, I see your bell.

Welcome to our first evening concert

of the Westbridge Handbell Choir.

The Ring-A-Ding-Dings.

Oh, God.

I'm going to give him a wedgie.

One, two, three.

(handbells chime "Beautiful Dreamer")

(cell phone chiming)

Hello?

Oh, hi.

I'm at Kelsey's concert.

No, it's fine. What's up?

*

Are you kidding?

Are you okay?

Shh.

No, of course I won't tell anyone.

Carly's marriage is over.

You're kidding?!

Oh, my God, your breath! What's happening?

I don't know. I'm on a cleanse.

Shh!

Carly just called me. She's getting a divorce.

She told me not to tell anybody.

(sniffs): Is something burning?

It's Lindsay's insides.

Shh!

Can you believe this?

They're your friends.

Come on, Lindsay.

Don't be mad. We're your friends.

Look, if it was you, you'd want us to tell you.

It is me!

Oh, my God.

Look, just have a mint. (mints rattling)

I'm on a cleanse. I don't want the mint. Take a mint.

(arguing) Would you please shut up?

My God, your kids are performing on stage.

I have never experienced

such self-involved rudeness in my life.

I don't like the way that you're talking to us.

Well, I don't care what you like.

I'm here for my son.

Come on, I can't be

the only one who feels this way.

Unbelievable. And you.

Can't you put the cell phone down for one minute?

I'm just holding up the phone

so his father can hear the bells in Fallujah.

Well, we don't care who you're talking to.

Oh, no, no, we do care.

Yeah, yeah, Fallujah is okay.

You're okay.

Would the rest of you please be quiet

so I can hear my son's stupid bell solo?

That would be great.

Well, you can forget about the coffee.

And the after-coffee.

(rings final note of song)

(applause)

I have to go turn in my bells to Mrs. Jones.

Get one more picture of me with them. Okay.

Oh, my battery died.

Oh. Oh, that's okay.

I've got it.

(mimics shutter clicking)

Oh, that's gonna be a good one.

Can I see it?

Wow.

Oh...

Hey, Christine!

Hey, Christine.

It's hard to run in slippers.

Hey, I just wanted to say I thought it was really great

the way you yelled at everyone back there.

If you liked that, you would have loved our marriage.

Here, go get these developed.

So, what now?

Well, I don't think there are going to be any more coffees,

but if there's an earthquake, we will rule the school.

So sit back, cross your fingers and hope for the Big One.

I'm going to need a new mentor.

I'm going to need a new mentor.