All language subtitles for Roast of Flavor Flav

Yo flav

I'm telling you,
Doing this show is a great idea.

you knowwould never let you
Do anything that makes you look ridiculous.

I mean, anything you say,
Chuck, man, you know.

But just tell me
One thing, man:

What's really going
Up in there tonight, chuck?

Well, what i hear is
You're gonna get up on this big stage

And you're gonna be
Surrounded by nothing but the biggest,

Most famous stars
In the history of america.

Woooow!

I don't know if it'll be
Bigger than that glass but,

They're gonna
Talk about how you're the most wonderful,

talented, most intelligent
Human being alive.

Woooow! That's me.
That's me.

You know they had
To get your girl, brigitte nielsen--

- Brigitte nielsen's
Gonna be there?! - Yeah.

Wooooow!
Yo, chuck,

- She got the big knockers.
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Remember when
I was doing my tv show--

I know, listen.
At the end, they're gonna bring out this gigantic

Flavor flav statue covered
In $100 bills and lollipops.

- Lollipops?
- Solid gold.

- Wooooow!
- Just for you.

- Flavor flav!
- Flavor flav.

Yeah, boy!
Ooh, it's going down!

All right, it looks
Like we're here.

All right, i'll see you inside,
All right, man?

- What you mean,
You'll see me inside? - I'll see you inside.

- No, you got me here, so--
- Got you covered.

- ( door opens )
- What you doing? You parking the car?

Come on, we good.
All right, man?

( Laughing )

- Flavor flav!
- Got you, man, got you.

all right,
I'll be inside, chuck. - All right, cool cool.

All right, driver, get me
The hell up out of here, man.

( tires screech )

They gonna tear
His ass up, boyeee. Mmm.

( hip-hop music playing )

flavor flav:
This is the comedy central roast of me--

flavor flav!

with your roastmaster,
My man, katt williams.

we got other
Master roasters,

like jimmy kimmel,

my girl sommore,

greg giraldo,

snoop dogg in the house,

jeff ross,

ice t,

and my girl
Brigitte nielsen,

patton oswalt,

carrot top

and lisa lampanelli.

the comedy central
Roast of me--

flavor flav!

boyeeee!

now give it up for my man,
Katt williams!

( Audience cheering )

( rap music playing )

All right.

Beautiful.

Now, uh...

Before we get this started,
Here are some ground rules.

I know that
Some of you people here

Came to dog flav out.
Not me.

I came to honor
A close personal friend

Who the collection agency
Knows as william drayton...

A.K.A. Flavor flav.

Now flavor started
Out rapping about social issues.

He's not political anymore,

But he does on occasion
Fuck a bitch that looks like al sharpton.

He's the legendary hype man
Of public enemy

And the only conscious
Black man i've ever known

To wear a sean john
Sweatsuit,

Gold teeth
And an aryan viking cap

At the same
Goddamn time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Let's look back

At the life and times
Of flavor flav,

None of which
He can remember.

♪ Rap rap rap rap rap
Ch-ch-ch-check this out ♪

♪ Boing. ♪

( Echoing )
Hello!

Hey, y'all ready for it?
Make some noise!

Let's go!

- ♪ Hit me ♪
- ♪ Don't believe the hype... ♪

Flavor flav,
What do you do?

- ( Grunts )
- I'm the one that keeps chuck hyped.

- ♪ Let's get it on ♪
- ♪ Let's get it on ♪

- ♪ Let's get it on... ♪
- We maxin', relaxin', and we waxin'.

I wanna do my dance.
Man, can i do my dance?

- chuck: no.
- ♪ Come on ♪

♪ your bad self,
Papa got a brand new funk ♪

- ♪ kick that ♪
- ♪ Runnin' for your life... ♪

Yeaaaah, boyeee!

Rapper flavor flav was arrested
In a bronx apartment building

on november 1st.
- ♪ Fight the power... ♪

Think about your future,
'Cause there ain't no future in this motherfucker, man.

♪ bring that beat back... ♪

Hell, yeah, dog.

♪ so get up and get get
Get down ♪

♪ 9-1-1 is a joke
In your town... ♪

- They say you're the man.
- You got that right.

- ♪ Ah... ♪
- I love you, flavor.

- Yeah, boyeee!
- That's right, boyeee.

♪ Ah... ♪

- Yeah!
- ( Screaming )

Whaaa!
Flavor flav!

Whoo!
I have ass in both hands.

Heeee-hee-hee!
Drop it!

I am sick of your shit!

- Bitch, get off me!
- Chill!

Fuck all of you!

- That's fucked up.
- Slap me, bitch.

- ( Spits )
- You motherfucking whore!

Whoo!

Yo, flav, man, you is
The black hugh hefner.

- What?
- ( Stammering )

This lady is weird.

I could vibe with you
All day long.

nielsen:
I adore the guy.

flav:
I got a present right here, baby.

- I feel it.
- Whoa!

Oh, whoa whoa whoa!
I do, i do.

flav:
I just like stealing the show.

♪ The land of the free... ♪

And that's what time it is.
You know what i'm saying?

♪ And the home
Of the flav! ♪

( laughing )

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen,

Look up in the sky.

It's a bird,
It's a plane,

It's a crow,
It's a bat.

It's flavor flaaaaav!

( dramatic music playing )

( Cheering )

Yeah!

( hip-hop music playing )

- What's up, katt?
- You look great, man.

Yo, what's up, y'all!

( Cheering )

Woooow!

williams:
Wow.

That, sir,
Was quite an entrance.

Makes you wonder where's
The rest of the flying monkeys from "the wizard of oz."

What a way to kick
The show off, folks.

Well, flav...

In case you ever don't
Feel good about yourself

Look at this all-star cast
That's assembled here

Who are gonna have to
Fire their agents

For booking them
This shit tomorrow.

now, members
Of the audience,

I feel i must warn you,

There's going
To be gratuitous use of the "n" word.

If you looked up here
You can understand the "n" word is "nobodies."

Let's get it started.
Ladies and gentlemen,

We have
Greg giraldo.

( cheering, applauding )

Yes.

Graduated columbia university
And harvard law school,

Worked as a lawyer

And finally became
An angry broke-ass comedian.

good job.

I know a little
Bit about bitches,

And ladies and gentlemen,
This is comedy central's bitch.

He's riding comedy central
The way lisa lampanelli

Rides niggas at
The million man march.

there's some riding
Going on.

Jimmy kimmel is here.
Has his own show.

give it up for mr. Kimmel.

He's successful
And he has smoked more weed

Than both snoop
And flavor flav today.

Next we have
The wonderful patton oswalt.

he's a walking contradiction.

On one hand he's smart
And witty,

And on the other hand
He's an avowed atheist.

But i guess
If i had his career,

I wouldn't believe
In god either.

It's sad that
He did his first hbo special in 1995

And since then has done
35 tv and film projects.

And after all that,

He still looks
Like a grown midget.

I guess that's
God's way of saying "fuck you, you fat atheist."

Thank you,
Patton oswalt.

Carrot top, people say
You're washed up,

But i think you've
Done pretty good

Considering the fact
You died in 1986.

"If ronald mcdonald
Fucked wendy's"

Is what i'm
Saying to you here.

Don't look at your watch,
I'm gonna be whoopin' your ass all goddamn night.

this is
A motherfucking roast.

Jeff ross...

Jeff ross is
In the pimp hat there.

The legendary jeff ross,
The general roastmaster...

Looks like a depressed
Hobbit with down syndrome.

He performed for the troops
In war-torn areas,

And even those
Shows don't sell out,

Which makes you understand
That even if the show was free,

You didn't have
Anywhere else to be,

Some people
Would rather die than enjoy his brand of comedy.

jeff ross,
Ladies and gentlemen.

Lisa lampanelli...

what can you say about her?
The queen of mean.

I just want to
Explain to you, lisa,

That the only reason
That black men fuck you

Is so they can feel like
They beat up a white man and got away with it.

having done all that...

Let's get it crackin'.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Our first roaster...

We're gonna get him
Out of the way so we can enjoy some comedy.

Please give it up
For greg giraldo.

Make some noise for him.

( rock music playing )

Thank you, everybody.

Keep it going
For katt williams.

Isn't he adorable?
What a cute, little kinda person he is.

Holy shit.
Katt, you're like afro sheen--

Some white people
Have heard of you, but no one knows what you do.

What a teeny,
Little pimp!

Man, being a pimp
Ain't easy,

Especially when you gotta
Stand on phone books to smack a bitch.

You've got
A great look, katt. I love it.

I was backstage,
I thought i smelled the stinkiest, nastiest bud,

Turns out it was just katt
Ironing his hair.

This is great.
Katt williams, flavor flav,

Snoop, ice t.

There are so many
Black dicks up here,

I feel like we're doing this
Roast in lisa lampanelli's mouth.

Face it, lisa,
You've swallowed more black seeds

Than warren sapp
At a watermelon-eating contest.

Ice t is here, holy--

Ice t,
You fucking fossil.

Holy shit.
You're so old, the first thing you bought

The first thing you bought
With your record deal money was your freedom.

On your first album,
The "n" word was "negro."

Sommore is here.

Sommore,
When it comes to movies,

Maybe you should do
"Some less."

"Soul plane,"
Holy shit.

That was such a horrible
Embarrassment to black people,

Brigitte nielsen
Tried to fuck it.

Brigitte nielsen's here.

Good to see you
Sitting up, sweetheart.

i guess you're in rehab

And i really hope
That works out for you.

But seriously,
If you want to stop

Repeating the disgusting things
You've done in the past,

Why don't you just get
Your pussy sewn shut?

Think of how many spools
Of thread that would take.

Your pussy's so big,
Sylvester stallone left his career in there.

Say something.
Say something.

God, you are a big,
Ghoulish woman.

I'm talking to you,
Carrot top.

jesus!

What happened
To your face?

You look retarded.
How did you do that?

How did you find
A plastic surgeon

Who could add
A chromosome?

And what's with the muscles?

How much strength does
It take to jump around on stage like a spastic monkey?

Don't answer that, flav.

that's for later.

This really is an ugly
Group of people, holy shit,

Just like giant white women
And a bunch of black dudes.

I feel like we're doing
One of those "baby daddy" shows on the maury povich show.

Don't worry, jimmy, you'll
Be hosting that soon too.

You just had
Your appendix out.

Apparently,
You can get appendicitis from being overrated.

All: oh!

That? That was the one
That was too much? Overrated?

Giant pussy's okay,
But don't...

Jeff ross.
Jeff, how are you?

Jeff just hosted some
Ridiculous talent show on abc.

A talent show!
Where do you get the balls to host a talent--

You running a talent show
Is like michael vick running the aspca.

Maybe next year you could host
A handsome contest.

- Good to see snoop here.
- ( Cheering )

snoop, uh...

Snoop smokes so much hemp,
He once shit a rope.

Snoop, you're
Filled with toxins,

You've killed people,

And you've been banned
From every country on the planet.

You're like
Chinese toothpaste.

And our guest of honor,
Flavor flav.

This is really--
This is exciting, flav, it really is.

- ( cheering )
This is an honor.

I've-- i've never roasted
An oily cadaver before.

You're like a turd with teeth.
Look at yourself.

I love the crown.
You look like king lear got trapped in a forest fire.

You are one
Black motherfucker.

You're like a skeleton
Wrapped in electrical tape.

you look like idi amin

After a three-year
Crack binge on the sun.

You're a groundbreaker.
Let's face it, flav,

This is a racist country and
Normally to make it in america

A black man has to be
Really good at something.

"Flavor of love"--
I've seen more culturally uplifting entertainment

At a tijuana donkey show.

All right, flav.
Well, you're the best, man.

You really--
You've just left a mark on the cultural landscape

That people can only
Dream of doing.

You're one of the most
Memorable people ever in the history of entertainment,

And with that clock
Around your neck, that was just pure genius,

'Cause watching you,
America really always knows what time it is--

It's time black people
Stopped progressing as a race.

- ( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Cheering )

flav:
Coming up, snoop dogg.

I'm fucked up, o.G.
I am fucked up!

flaice t!
Jimmy kimmel!

- oh shit, i don't
Have my wallet. - Flav: jeff ross!

This show is gonna be
Nominated for an academy award.

and lisa lampanelli!

Flav, if you don't like the
Show, i'll bang you later. Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Behind every great man

Is a greater woman.
Please give it up for the woman behind me,

D.J. Spinderella.

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen,
When i asked comedy central

To book a strong,
Black woman on the roast,

They went out...

And got a woman
Who can bench-press 350.

Please give it up
For my girl sommore.

Make some noise
For the queen!

- ( cheering )
- ( Rap music playing )

All right, now,
Make some noise for webster.

( cheering )

No, katt williams
Is tiny, right?

I don't know whether
To fuck him or change him.

But i'd fuck him
'Cause he's rich.

i mean, you'd figure he's saved
A whole bunch of money

Ordering off
The children's menu for 20 years.

It's a hell
Of a group up here.

There's a lot
Of gangster rappers.

This is the first gig
Where the security

Is protecting the audience
From the performers.

And what the fuck
Is patton oswalt doing here?

Although i did like you
On "to catch a predator." You were good.

and please
Don't laugh, ice t.

Because you are
The least paid negro on n-b-c.

I know motherfuckers on b-e-t
That make more money than you.

I think the person that makes
The typewriter sound on "law & order"

Makes more money than you.

But they say old habits
Are hard to break.

They said for the first season,
Ice t kept getting in the back of the squad car.

But i just can't
Get over seeing katt.

i mean, we see
Katt williams everywhere--

T-v, movies.

I mean, be honest,
Black people.

Aren't we glad we have
Our george jefferson back?

Okay, now i know
This is a roast,

But i don't want to hear
Anybody in here calling me a nappy-headed ho.

There's only one
Nappy-headed ho on this stage,

And that's carrot top.

Jimmy kimmel,
You are the luckiest white man in america,

i swear.

Please introduce me
To the motherfucker

That's keeping you on tv
So i can suck his dick too. Please.

audience:
Oh! Whoa! Woo!

No, if a black man was
As unfunny as you are,

The highest he could be
Would be eddie griffin.

I swear to god, yeah.

Oh!

And brigitte nielsen,
I'd like to make this the first time

I ever thanked a white woman
For taking a black man off the market.

Bitch, if you fucked flavor
Flav, you don't got jungle fever, bitch,

You got ebola, okay?

I mean, does flav really
Need to be roasted?

He's burnt already.

And i know black
Is beautiful.

Motherfucker, you are
Black, smutty and dark.

No, dark is dark,

But i didn't know shit
Was a flesh tone,

I swear to god.

And not only are you dark,
But you're skinny.

You look like...

Magic johnson should look.

( audience groaning )

Oh!

And flav's called
Hisself a producer.

Since public enemy,
You haven't produced shit

But eight kids
By six different women.

You just like george bush,
You refuse to pull out.

( cheering )

But, flav, in a very
Very strange and sick way

i respect you.

1...You didn't
Perm your hair,

You didn't put on a dress,

You kissed every bitch
On the show

And after fucking you,
All your ho's became famous.

So here's to you
Tonight, player. Have a good time.

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

- Thank you for coming, baby.
- Thank you, baby.

love you.
Thank you.

Sommore is proof that
If you take a raggedy car

And put a whole lot
Of money in it,

You'll have
A nice-looking raggedy car.

now, i'd like to bring things

To a screeching halt
With our next roaster.

He's so white,
Ice t would marry him.

Please welcome
The least powerful man in show business--

- jimmy kimmel.
- ( Pop music playing )

Thank you, tiny black person
I've never heard of.

Um... By the way,
Wasn't sommore terrific?

And let me say
Not only is she funny,

But i love that song
You did in the '80s,

"Word up!"

"it's like candy,"
You know what i'm saying?

It's great to see
Greg giraldo... Somewhere.

Greg, you, uh,
You killed again.

And, um... Again,
It will lead to nothing.

What an honor to be
At the roast of flavor flav.

What happened?
Coolio said no?

Young m.C. Had a state fair
He had to be at?

Brigitte nielsen
Is here.

Her manager told me
That they pulled her out of rehab for this.

It's good to have people
Around you who care.

- It really is.
- Thank you, thank you.

The first time i saw flavor
Jump into brigitte's arms,

I thought--

Uh, originally, i thought
V-h-1 gave joan embry a show from the san diego zoo.

One of the--
One of the charming things we learned from greg giraldo

Is that brigitte nielsen has
A larger-than-normal vagina.

And i don't want
To say it's big,

But i do want people
Watching at home to know that

We're doing this show
From inside it right now.

Ron jeremy is here tonight
In the audience.

- he's--
- ( Cheering )

Yeah-- here to support his
Twin brother lisa lampanelli.

I tell you, we feel
A little handcuffed

Because it's hard
To make fat jokes about lisa

Because she's lost
So much weight.

Thank god
For ugly jokes.

We're happy lisa's here.
She almost didn't make it tonight.

Up until 6:00
This morning,

She was chained
To a truck axle in michael vick's backyard.

Wow, look at all the talented,
Talented african-americans in the room tonight--

Snoop dogg,
Flavor flav, ice t.

If a bomb went off,
You realize--

Well, if a bomb
Went off, this would be the source awards.

This roast is
Environmentally conscious.

It's comedy central's
First carbon-neutral television show.

Hey, listen,
Comedy central,

If you want to stop
Polluting the atmosphere

Cancel "mind of mencia."

Thank you.

Tonight is a momentous
Evening for flavor flav.

This is the first time
He'll ever be speaking

In front of a room
Full of white people

Without having to
Be sworn in first.

Look at this dais.
We've got, by my count,

Seven white people,
Five black people.

Your honor, we find
The defendant guilty as charged.

It's exciting.
Flav's ladies are here in the audience tonight.

Um... Dat, hottie,

Toastee, sleepy,
Dopey, slutty and doc.

all here.

they named the show
"Flavor of love"

Because v-h-1 decided
The original title--

"Black guy
Impregnates 20 whores" wasn't catchy enough.

Did the whores
Do something?

yes. Yes.

Yes, that'll change
The perceptions about you.

another--

Maybe another season
Of "charm school" is in order.

Anyway...

Let's see, where was i
Before i was interrupted by those whores?

I want to talk about
Flavor flav the man.

Flavor flav--

I have gotten to know him.
He has a large wonderful family.

He has-- what is it,
Seven kids or eight kids?

Seven.

You sure?

Seven kids with
14 different women. And...

And he's hoping--
You're hoping to have 10, three more, right?

- That's right!
- Yes.

His kids names
Are designa,

Kwan, shaniq,

William and karen--
Go figure--

kayla and karma.

And he has
Two grandsons too.

And they each
Have four children

And they each
Have two grandsons.

Flavor flav is responsible
For more homeless black children than hurricane katrina.

At the end
Of the night tonight,

We're gonna hold you down
And give you a vasectomy

Just for the good
Of the human race.

Chris benoit is
A better father than flavor flav.

( Audience groans )

Flav, i don't
Know how old you are, but you don't look good.

When i first saw you
Sitting up there

I thought it was
An open-casket memorial for james brown.

flavor flav is
So skinny and black,

He looks like
A make-a-wish kid

Whose last request
Was to try on a wetsuit.

You know, they say--
And this is what they'll say--

The reason that
We're here tonight is to honor flavor flav,

But let's be honest.

I mean, this is a guy
Who got famous for yelling

"Yeah, boy"
On the stage.

He doesn't deserve
To be honored.

Flavor flav
Is the reason

President bush
Doesn't like black people.

But we might as well
Enjoy him now

Before oprah inevitably
Has him destroyed.

Here's to you, flav!
Flavor flaaaav!

( hip-hop music playing )
- I love you, jimmy, man!

flav:
Up next, ice t!

Flav, hold your head down.
Duck, take cover. It's about to happen.

flav:
Brigitte nielsen! Jeff ross!

I'm only making fun
Of patton oswalt this year.

They have, like,
Liquid crystal clocks now.

You don't have to have
That thing that you wind up. You're not amish.

This next man is a legend
In the light-skinned black community.

If you think
His acting is bad,

Wait till you
See his comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The original gangsta,

if there was none other--

Ice t!

( rap music playing )

This is some shit
Right here, right?

You gotta let motherfuckers
Talk crazy about you and just stand there.

I want to bust a cap
In some niggas later.

There's gonna be some shit.

Look who we got
Up here on the stage with me tonight--

Jeff ross, patton oswalt,
Jimmy kimmel.

If it wasn't for white
Boys like you, i'd have been a broke pimp, trust me.

Carrot top,
Where the fuck do i start?

Eyeliner to muscles--

Looks like halfway
Through your sex change

Your doctor just said,
"Fuck it."

Brigitte nielsen...

I never seen brigitte nielsen
Up close before. Damn.

I guess that's
How you end up looking

When the guy that's
Fucking you wears a clock

That's busting you in the face
All fucking night.

Rupaul--
I mean, sommore...

You're the only bitch i know
That can make a brother cut a conjugal visit short.

And i must be the only
Black man in america

Who's never been inside
Lisa lampanelli's pussy.

I tried to get in one night,

But the fire marshall
Was in there turning niggas away.

My nigga, snoop dogg.

Congratulations...

On getting through
The metal detector.

Snoop smoke so much weed
That he farted during the commercial,

The whole front row
Got the munchies.

Let me get to the man
Of the hour--

Flavor flaaaav!

This is my man,
You know what i'm sayin'?

And i must confess
I can't go hard on flav.

Back in the day,

Me and flav,

We smoked a lot
Of crack together.

Okay, i sold flav
A lot of crack, all right?

People look at me,
They say "o.G."

They look at motherfucker
Flav, they go "oh, shit."

His name wasn't always
Flavor flav, though, you know.

I'd known him way back.
When we started,

He had other names like--
You know, he started off with

"Toasty toast,"
And "smelly stank."

And then we worked it up
To "flavor flav."

And i love you, baby.
You picked the right name. We goin' big now.

People want to always know
About flavor flav's teeth.

let me tell you,

If you ate the type
Of pussy flav ate,

You would want metal
In your mouth too.

Flav gets
A whole lot of pussy

And because of that,
He got a whole lot of kids.

I know all his kids.

Flavor flav got so many
Kids at his house,

So many damn birthdays,

Chuck e. Cheese just said,
"Fuck it" and moved in.

"Flavor of love" girls
Are here tonight.

Crowd: whoo!

ice t:
I was in hollywood when they were doing the casting call.

They just had one question,
And it said

"Would you be willing to eat
A bowl of shit to be on tv?"

And the ones
That said yes made it to the "flavor of love."

Flav is pretty smart
And gives all the girls nicknames on the show.

That way their testimony
Won't stand up in court.

but i gotta say
On the strength of the love

That i got for you,
Flavor flav,

You are one of my
True friends in hip-hop. Snoop too.

And that means a lot, you dig?
And i love you, man,

From the bottom of my
Motherfucking heart, man. That's what's up.

( hip-hop music playing )

( Giggling )
Uh-oh.

The only guy
Less talented

Than the next man
On our roster

Are the 20 guys
Who writes his jokes.

I don't want to say
He's desperate for material,

But flav told him
9-1-1 was a joke and he tried to buy it.

America's oldest,
Living comedian--

Jeff motherfucking ross.

( hip-hop music playing )

All right!

Yeah!

Keep it going
For your host, d.L. Ugly.

Wow, it's like
A crip bar mitzvah up in here.

How hard did comedy
Central have to look

To find somebody more hideous
Than flav to host his show?

all: aw...

ross:
It's like a telethon for black leprechauns.

Any minute i'm gonna get
A shot in the knee.

Couldn't they cough up
Another 30 bucks

And get bushwick bill
Up in this motherfucker?

But seriously,
Katt, where are you? Where the fuck is he?

He's fuckin' hiding!

- man: he's right here.
- Where?

He's hiding
In the fucking cup?

Oh, here he is.
Look at him.

snoop dogg
And "ratatouille" had a baby.

What are you
Laughing at, flav?

You look like
Whoopi goldberg and gollum

From "lord of the rings"...

Had an abortion.

this is impossible.

How do you embarrass
A crackhead who wears a viking helmet?

How do we roast charcoal?

Starving children
Send you 50¢ a day.

And look, i don't watch
Your show "flavor of love."

It's not my thing,
You know.

If i want to see a midget
Bang a bunch of hookers,

I'll go to a party
At jeremy piven's house.

Flav, when white people
Watch your show

They say
"That guy's hilarious."

When black people
Watch your show they say,

"I hope no white people are
Watching this right now."

Let's face it, flav,
You set african-americans back 20 years.

And you sent viking-americans
Back 850 years.

But i've gotta
Give it up to you, flav.

You are a ladies' man.
Much respect in that department.

Flav has probably fucked
More hot black pussy than

Robert de niro and
Thomas jefferson combined.

( crowd groans )
- ( Man claps )

Is thomas jefferson here?

Well then, fuck him.

All the "flavor of love"
Girls--

Give it up for the hot ghetto
Mess up in here tonight.

yeah.

Delicious, safari,

The lovely lady
Who crapped on the rug.

Flav was confused by that.

He thought she was
Giving birth to his child.

Look at all these
Gold-teeth diggers.

He went from chuck d
To hep c.

Ladies, it's time
To start thinking positive--

H-i-v - positive.

Let's face it, there were
Enough yeast infections

In that house
To open a pinkberry.

Yeah, i'm in it
To win it, motherfuckers.

I gotta tell you, flav,
Back in the day

I was the world's biggest
Public enemy fan.

Me and my pals
Would cruise around

Listening to your music,
You know?

"Freedom of speech
Is freedom of death," right?

"We gotta fight
The powers that be."

That was awesome,
Now look at you.

You sold out quicker
Than the iphone.

But seriously, flav,

You're like family to me.

You remind me
Of my uncle--

My uncle tom.

( audience groans )

Aw, come on!

In these sensitive times,

I'm not gonna
Do racial humor.

Besides, the fact
That flav is black

Is like the fifth thing
That's wrong with him.

Come on!

We all know flav loves
Sticking it to the white man.

And that white man
Is brigitte nielsen.

Take a bow, babe.
Take a bow.

Thank you.

I think we all know
Who wore the condom in that relationship...

Nobody.

I'd rather fuck
Leslie nielsen.

But this was fun.

They got me seated over
Here next to my friends

Jimmy kimmel
And kathy griffin.

Carrot top, you're busting
Out of your clothes.

You're like
The incredible hack.

Jeez, you're more ripped
Than lisa lampanelli's pussy!

After last year's roast,
I wanted to slap lisa for all the shit she said about me.

Then i remembered
Dogfighting is illegal.

Sure, lisa's
Lost a lot of weight.

That just means
One less colt 45

One of these motherfuckers
Has to drink before they fuck her tonight.

Ice, you look
Fucking nervous.

i'm not gonna make
Fun of you, ice t,

And your beautiful
Wife, coco.

How's your son,
Vanilla latte?

hi, coco.
You look great, beautiful.

But tonight, flav,
It's all about you,

Your amazing career,

Your five gold records,

Your three reality shows,

Your two bronze medals
From the special olympics.

Anyway, it's been fun.

It's all for a good cause--

Child support.

feed the children!
L'chaim!

I love you!
Flavor flav!

- you're a fucking
Awesome dude, buddy. - ( Cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Thank you, brother.

flav:
Coming up, brigitte nielsen!

I don't think he knows
What he's in for.

flav:
Carrot top!

I was gonna take this thing,
Make into a pot leaf.

This is a microphone
That had a bong on it.

- The curtains on
Snoop dogg's bus. - Right.

♪ I'm snoop dogg,
I love to misbehave ♪

♪ I'm in this motherfucker
Rockin' for my homeboy flav ♪

♪ I got the pimp cup
'Cause this pimp's up ♪

♪ And his ho's down,
You know the dogg pound ♪

♪ The snoopy d odeur,
I get plenty of love ♪

♪ I'm rockin' this motherfucker
Like i'm up in the club ♪

♪ But i'm standin' tall,
I'm up against the wall ♪

♪ It's your baby rapper,
Bitch, snoop dogg ♪

♪ Comedy central, y'all,
With flavor flav, yo ♪

♪ Snoop dogg and i hold it down,
I love the roast. ♪

( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Crowd cheering )

Our next roaster, a lot of
People have said some pretty bad things about him.

But as a student of comedy,
I find him to be "a" class.

i salute carrot top
For his gumption,

Being willing to
Show ellen degeneres and rosie o'donnell

What a real butch lesbian
Is supposed to look like.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Will you please give it up for carrot top.

( rap music playing )

You know what?
Fuck all you people over here.

What the fuck did
I do to anybody here except show up?

Good to see--
I got notes here, don't i?

Yeah, i got some jokes.
These are gonna go great.

By the way,
I'm not actually here for the roast.

I'm here to get
My bike back.

Look at this-- we got snoop,
We got flav,

We've got mr. T.

there's more
Cornrows than nebraska.

And this isn't a roast,
It's a backyard barbecue.

We should've
Brought gallagher.

He could've brought
A fucking watermelon.

- this would've been
A great night. ( Audience moans )

Oh, fuck you!
He used watermelon earlier.

Fuck off!

Last time i saw
Ice t and flav side by side

It was in the 99¢ bin
At wal-mart.

Ice t, your acting
Is about as believable as jimmy kimmel's hairpiece.

and-- hey, i got one!

Hey, this is great.

So snoop's here tonight.

Somebody tell him--
Tell him he's here.

i, uh...

( Chuckles )
I wish i was as fucked up as him right now.

I saw your movie
"Soul plane," by the way.

When they showed that movie
On a united flight,

The passengers took over
The plane and crashed it into the ground.

( chuckles )

Snoop's got the munchies
So bad right now,

He'd eat
Lisa lampanelli's pussy.

- that's exactly how--
- ( Crowd screeches )

But i actually like lisa.
No, i like lisa lampanelli.

She's the only comic
That drags a bigger box on stage than i do.

I like that.

Brigitte...
It's nice to see brigitte nielsen here.

You know, you had sex
With flavor flav.

How did you go from fucking
Rocky to fucking bullwinkle?

Seriously,
How did that happen?

I don't know.

Brigitte's crack is so old,

Ice t used to sell it.

but...

You know whenever
You do one of these shows,

You know how they give you
Gift baskets and stuff?

So i figured i'd go
To my little prop trunk,

Try to find some stuff
We have here.

This is cool.
This is, uh...

This was just made
For you today, snoop.

This is a snoop doggy dogg
Tour bus.

When it's rolling
Down the road,

Somehow, the smoke
Comes out of there...

yo, we got any
Music back there?

And you keep getting busted for
Smoking dope, i made a bong that's got mirrors on it.

See, that way you can kinda
Keep an eye on the cops.

That way...

keep an eye on it.

I should've started
With the fucking props.

God damn it.

And this is actually
Your new clock.

You're getting old, dude.

I made a little grandfather
Clock for you to wear around your--

You're getting up there.

i mean that in a good way.

Oh, i got the official
Jimmy kimmel cell phone too.

It's got really bad reception.
Hold on a second.

Is anyone watching now?
Is anyone watching now?

anybody watching now?

It's okay.
Patton oswalt here tonight.

you were in that
Movie "ratatouille,"

So i made you this
Little dumpster.

It's kinda cute--
Little dumpster.

It's filled with
Jeff ross's jokes, actually.

Actually, flavor flav, you used
To live in this about two years ago, didn't you?

And there's some
Of lisa lampanelli's abortions

Right there
In the bottom of it.

Oh, this is flavor flav's
First video.

Right before you
Joined public enemy.

I think it's you
Robbing a 7-eleven.

I'm not quite sure.

He's all, "give me
The money, bitch."

Hey, flav,
You have what, eight kids?

Seven, eight?

That-- these you don't
Even know about.

Right here, these are the ones
You don't even fucking know about.

Give it up for flavor flav.
Flavor flaaaav!

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

I made you a clock.

There you go.
It's got 15 minutes on it right here.

That's your new clock.
You can put it on there.

Love you, brother.
Have a good night.

I love you too, man.

Carrot top, y'all!

Williams:
With our next roaster...

Drafted into
The boston celtics in 1978,

Played power-forward for 13
Seasons and retired due to back problems in--

Oh shit, that's not larry bird.
That's a big ho.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Brigitte nielsen!

make some noise for her!
- ( Rock music playing )

Hi, everybody,
How are you?

( Cheering )

I think this is
A great evening.

It's totally amazing.

i would like to repeat
That i very happy that i'm out of rehab.

I can see you guys clearly,
I hear you clearly

- and you are magic!
- ( Cheering )

However, over here,

You guys besides lisa
And obviously foofy-foofy,

You are a bunch
Of motherfuckers, okay?

Anyway...
Well, actually,

I may take
My words back.

You know, i'm glad
Jimmy kimmel is here

Because i was afraid i was
Gonna be the only person

That's not a comedian.

but you know...

- ( cheering )
- Thank you.

I'm here to set
The record straight

Between i, myself,

And flav.

I mean, people
Ask me all the time,

"Did you actually
Find flav attractive?"

Hmm, i wouldn't know.

I've only seen
The top of his head.

But you know, um--
Ha ha, thank you.

When we were dating,
You know,

I start calling
Him foofy-foofy,

He was calling me gitta,

And my parents
Stopped calling me completely.

yeah, not a good scene.
Not a good scene.

Well, actually,
I should say flav has done something for me

That sylvester stallone
Never did...

He stole my car.

Yeah yeah.

You may have
Heard that thing

That black guys got these,
Like, big penises.

Uh-huh?
Don't believe that hype.

Uh-huh.
All right.

Okay, because
I tell you something:

You better
Listen up here, okay?

Because flav's penis,
All right,

Is tiny, it's black,

It's cute.
It's like katt williams,

But even funnier,
You know?

Something like that,
Yeah.

( brigitte laughing )

Do you know how
Disturbing it is

To have a man yell
"Yeah, boyeeee" during sex?

Oh! I kept
Telling him...

- Yeah, boy!
- ...Foofy-foofy,

You're not in jail anymore.

Whoo!

Right, honey?

Flavor, he's a romantic
Guy, too.

So he actually
Proposed to me.

He gave me a huge rock.

And then he smoked it.

Yeah, not good,
Not good.

And of course,
You all know,

I broke foofy's heart
When i rejected him.

But he just doesn't know
What a lucky man he is

Because this is
Not only about love.

I gave him fame!

Mm-hmm.

- woman: yeah girl!
- And i got him a show!

Yeah! Uh-huh!

But i'm a nice big mama.

I got all his little
Prostitutes a show too.

Yeah.

You're welcome, ladies.
You're welcome.

thank you.

Anyway, um...

So, flav...

Foofy-foofy,
William drayton, mr. F.,

You are my soulmate.

You remember when
We said that we were always gonna be soulmates?

I hope it's gonna
Be like that forever.

I don't care what you
Guys fucking think, okay?

I love you.
And i love you too.

Thank you so very much.

( hip-hop music playing )

Flav:
Up next, lisa lampanelli!

I should start shootin' smack
After this night.

flav:
Snoop dogg!

Patton oswalt!

I haven't seen snoop dogg--

I put a knife in his ribs
Back in '89 and i feel terrible about it.

But we're beyond it now

And we can get together
And laugh and love.

All right.

This next roaster is the voice
Of the animated character "ratatouille"

And the star
Of the upcoming movie "the 40-year-old toddler,"

Patton oswalt.

Please give it up for him,
Ladies and gentlemen.

( reggae music playing )

Oh my god.

Thank you,
Pimp-in-a-thimble.

ummm...

♪ Tiny little pimp
In the thimble ♪

♪ Smacking his bitches
With a daffodil stem. ♪

Mmm.

Oh my god.

We are here
Roasting flavor flav.

you had your own show

The "flavor of love,"

Which i didn't-- i didn't
Know syphilis had a flavor.

I had no idea.
That was so odd.

And by the way, i don't
Want to say that the--

The girls on that show
Were skanky,

But there were times
I would watch and i would say

Is this
The "flavor of love"

Or "the island
Of dr. Moreau"?

That is how fucked up--

Yes, an h.G. Wells reference
At the flavor flav roast, ladies and gentlemen.

yes!

( Grunts )

Oh my god, ron jeremy
Is in the audience,

But his cock
Is on the dais. So that's...

Check out the dais.
There's katt williams, ice t,

We've got ron jeremy
In the audience--

Who is fucking skanks
Right now?

Bill maher
Must be exhausted.

( Applauding )

By the way, chuck d
Wanted to be here tonight,

But the "d"
Stands for dignity.

Flavor flav--
A black man in a viking helmet.

Even carrot top
Wouldn't stick those two things together.

Carrot top is here
Because he heard we were giving props to flavor flav.

So he wanted
To make sure...

yes, ladies and gentlemen,
It's a prop joke.

Carrot top, stand--
Look at you.

You look magnificent.
Stand up.

Look, you're
In amazing shape, dude.

you're all buff and cut.

i can't believe
All those years

I could've been
Doing push-ups,

I wasted my time
Eating delicious food and writing jokes.

It's ridiculous.

All that time.

Do you make
Those props yourself

Or does like a workshop
Of unfunny elves make those?

Is that how that works?
I don't know...

Jimmy kimmel
Of course is here,

Or as the black people
Call him-- "kimble."

( Oswalt groans )

This--
I mean, look, ice t, katt williams, snoop--

Lisa lampanelli just soaked
That couch, by the way, so...

By the way,
You are looking great.

Your tits now
Look like my ass.

It's actually--
It's very nice.

There's all these
Giant women here tonight.

Lisa lampanelli
And brigitte nielsen

And chyna is here.
Chyna.

And i-- i hate--
I don't wanna--

I don't want to get
Romantic and soppy,

But i would love
To crawl inside you like a tauntaun carcass.

Uh, flav...

You are truly
A pioneer, though. You really are.

You went from saying
"Fuck the white man"

To "i'm gonna fuck
A white man."

And you went head first

Into brigitte nielsen's
Pussy!

Where they filmed
"The descent," ladies and gentlemen.

and you went in fearlessly

Into that yawning
Hell-cavern

Full of stalactites

And devil bats.

That huge...

Death snatch
That's claimed the careers

Of sly stallone
And dolph lundgren,

And last week,
The entire cast of "the west wing."

10 men enter,
One man leaves.

And that man...

Was flavor flav!
Give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen!

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Flav:
Coming up, snoop dogg and lisa lampanelli!

- Hi.
- How you doing?

- Lisa lampanelli.
- What's up, lisa? How you doing sweetie?

- I'm a huge fan.
- Pleasure, baby.

Forget that bitch.

williams: yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
This next roaster's marijuana isn't medical grade,

It's weapons grade.

Let's get him to the podium
So he can exhale.

Ladies and gentlemen,
The eighth wonder of the known world,

Snoop d-o-double-g!

( hip-hop music playing )
- ( Cheering )

Yeah.

On some real shit,
I'm fucked up right now.

On the real though,
Tonight has been real hilarious,

- You know what i'm saying?
Y'all wanna hear a joke? - All: yeah!

- knock knock.
- All: who's there?

A nigga with a motherfucking
Gun, that's who.

You get it?
I got a million of 'em.

No, it's for real though.

It's about time somebody said
Some gangsta shit up in here.

Hey, yo,
Katt williams,

When did they start selling
Pimp clothes at baby gap?

My nigga over there
Drinking that hennessy out of that little sippy cup.

Hey, yo, carrot top.

That was some cool shit
You did with the box with the smoke and all that.

That was tight.

But when you came up here,
I was like,

"Who in the fuck let
The bride of chucky up in this motherfucker?"

Hey, jeff,
Don't laugh, my nigga.

You know i'm on your ass.

'cause you're ugly,

You're pushy,
You're obnoxious

And you're a jewish dude
That everybody hates.

You wanna be my lawyer?

y'all know jeff do these
Specials every year.

It's like
A holiday for him--

Bomb-kippur.

Yeah, nigga, i know
Some jew shit too.

Patton oswalt or osbourne,
Whatever the fuck your name is.

You look like
One of the osbournes.

You look like
Ozzy's little son, the little fat one--

The one that be on drugs,
Then he be off drugs,

Then he be on drugs,
Then he off drugs.

You look just like
That nigga.

Now, the true player
In the house tonight,

My homeboy, o.G., Ice t,
Original gangsta.

You know, ice t been
In the game so long,

They should just
Call him "ice age."

I tried to listen
To one of ice t's songs on the way up here,

But i didn't have
No cassette player in my car.

Now when i seen you earlier,
I thought you was throwing up gang signs at me.

But i found out
It was just your arthritis.

I don't know nobody else
Up there on the panel...

Except jimmy kimmel.

in the hood we call
A condom a jimmy

Because jimmy's a scumbag
And nobody enjoys it when he's on.

Now when they told me sommore
Was gonna be here tonight,

I thought they said
"Some whore" was gonna be here.

And they was right--
Lisa lampanelli.

Oh, lisa.
Lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa lampanelli.

You know, lisa came up
To me backstage, know what i'm saying, talkin' about--

( High-pitched voice )
"Snoop dogg, i'm one of your biggest fans.

Can you do your little
Snoop-talk for me?

The izzle-fizzle
And all that shit?"

And i said,
"Okay, baby, sure.

How's this?

Bitch, i wouldn't eat
Your nasty pussy for all the weed in compton.

Now what you need to do is get
The fuck out of my dressing room

Before i beat
The shit out of you with one of my shoes.

You stank ho...

Izzle."

It is definitely
Some beautiful ladies in the house,

There's definitely
Some beautiful bitches in the house,

And there's definitely
Some beautiful ho's.

Speaking of--
Speaking of ho's...

Brigitte nielsen.

I saw you and flavor flav
Taking a bath on tv...

But you motherfuckers
Was washed up before y'all got in that tub.

What does that mean?

You're washed up.
Like, it's over.

Now, flav... You know
You my nigga, flav.

Me and you go back
Like throwbacks.

I love you to death.
I wasn't even gonna do this shit at first,

But i was like,
"You know what? Fuck it."

you know?

Now i know you
Expect me to come up here and talk about you,

But i respect you
Too much, flav.

So instead of
Going hard on you,

I put a rhyme together for you
And i hope you like it, homey.

- ( cheering )
- ( Snoop clears throat )

Check it out.
One, two, three into the four,

Flavor sittin' on his
Brand new asshole they tore.

They haters got the nerve
To come up here

And try to diss me,

But i'm an original
And flav is...

Extra crispy.

He's dried out, ashy
And wishes he was taller.

Flav, you look like one
Of my blunts, except smaller.

I was talkin'
To him backstage

And said, "damn,
Your breath is smelly."

He said, "pardon me, dogg,

I just ate the pussy
Of lisa lampanelli."

Flavor must have smoked
Some indo that got laced.

How the fuck are you
Gonna fuck a bitch with brigitte nielsen's face?

So, flav,
Keep on chillin'

With you on
Your 8, 9...

10, 11, 12, 13 children.

And if you fuck
Brigitte tonight,

I got a bag
Of penicillin.

( Cheering )

Nah, on some real shit,
Flavor flav, seriously,

I love you.
I love everything you do.

And if it wasn't
For you, flavor flav, there wouldn't be snoop dogg.

I love you for being you
At all times, my nigga.

( hip-hop music playing )

flav:
Up next, lisa lampanelli!

Flav, i would lube up
Pretty good.

'Cause lisa lampanelli...

and we got me--
Flavor flaaaav!

Yo, ron!
This my mom.

- This is my boy,
Ron jeremy, mom. - Nice to meet you.

- ( cheering )
( Hip-hop music playing )

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to take a second and freeze yourself

And understand that you were
At a comedy central roast

And saw snoop dogg
Be 10 times funnier than any motherfucker up here.

- ( crowd cheering )
- Remember to mark that in your calendar.

Jeff ross has been trying
To do that for 35 years.

Our final roaster has fucked
More black men than equifax.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Please give it up for the queen of mean--

Lisa motherfucking
Lampanelli!

( music playing )

Oh, come on,
Clap it up for mr. Hanky! Come on!

Jesus christ!
Katt williams, you are tiny.

Stick around after the show,
I'm gonna use you as a tampon.

It is an honor tonight to be
Here at the comedy central roast of flavor flav.

And what a dais
We have here tonight.

What a bunch of losers!

The last time i heard
The names of these idiots i was playing trivial pursuit,

The no-one-
Gives-a-shit edition.

But at least it was easy
To find the place.

When i mapquested
Directions,

It said go down ventura
And take a left when you smell the cocoa butter.

I have on cocoa butter.

I love cocoa butter.

I love you,
Katt williams.

I saw your h-b-o special.
That was amazing.

I haven't heard the "n" word
That many times

Since i told my father
I'm banging a black man.

Katt williams uses
The "n" word

Almost as often as
Sarah silverman uses jimmy kimmel for airtime.

( Audience groans,
Laughing )

By the way, black people,

Don't feel bad if you
Haven't seen jimmy's show.

It comes on
After lights out.

but enough about
This colossal failure.

We're here tonight
To roast flavor "flawv,"

A performer, a legend

And a family man.

Flavor flav is a father
Many times over.

In fact, there're
Many flav's kids as there are jerry's kids.

The difference is
Jerry's kids have a brighter future.

What's with the clothes,
Flavor flav?

I saw you
On "flavor of love."

You looked like beef jerky
In a track suit.

If flavor flav was
Any smaller and darker,

Brad and angelina
Would try to adopt him.

Dude, enough with the clock.
You can take it off.

You haven't had to be
Anywhere in 13 years.

Only a black person
Could wear a clock that big

And still not be
On time for anything.

I love flavor flav.

As you know,
I bang the blacks.

My twat has been on
More black guys' lips than purple kool-aid.

Don't you laugh, ice t.

As you all know,

Ice t is not only
A mulatto rapper...

he is a great actor

On "law & order:
Special victims unit."

Yes.

It's hard for ice t to play
A black police officer.

Whenever he asks
A victim what the criminal looked like,

The victim always
Says, "you."

But enough about
The negroes...

Patton oswalt is here.

Patton oswalt,
Look at you with those tiny baby hands.

your hands are so small

You'd have to wear
Boxing gloves to fist me.

Patton oswalt's face
Is so beat up,

When he got
Out of a car

I thought it was
Britney spears' pussy.

Don't you laugh at
An unfunny joke, carrot top.

you've got big muscles
And a crappy act.

You're a bad haircut away
From being joe piscopo.

Carrot top-- i used to think
They called you carrot top because of your red hair.

Now i know it's because
Everyone would love to see you

Buried up to your
Forehead in dirt.

Fucking
Rotten motherfuckers.

- ( cheering )
- No! No!

Jeff ross... You're
A failure and you're nothing to look at.

Looking at you, it reminds me
To shave my taint.

I joke.
I love jeff ross.

But come on, you're
A middle-age white jew

Sitting up here
With a bunch of rappers.

I haven't seen you look
This out of place

Since you were asked
To headline.

all: oh!

Brigitte and i are friends.
You were terrific.

Wasn't she great, folks?

- Aw.
- ( Cheering )

She was as funny
As she is relevant.

Brigitte, you're
A good-looking woman,

But i have to ask you,
How did you fuck flavor flav?

I've fucked more
Black men than fema and i wouldn't touch him.

It's nice to see the
"Flavor of love" girls here.

Aren't they beautiful?
I love them.

( Cheering )

They look like
The 3:00 a.M. Shift

At the jacksonville,
Florida, waffle house.

We're here tonight
To honor the urkel of v-h-1--

flavor flav...

A man who has gone
From public enemy

To public embarrassment.

Flavor flav was a member
Of public enemy when their first albums went platinum.

Sadly, his last solo effort
Went paper mache.

In closing, flavor flav,

I'd like to be sincere
And thank you for letting me make fun of you tonight.

You've been
An amazing sport.

- ( applauding )
- And frankly,

On a personal note,
I'd like to say

You are my hero.

You are proof
That it's never too late to look for love.

You inspire me, flav, because if
An odd-looking, shriveled-up california raisin like you

Can find 15 nappy-headed bitches
To toss your salad...

( Audience laughing )

I gotta be able to scare up at
Least one chocolate daddy to lick my asshole too.

Thank you and good night.
God bless you all.

( hip-hop music playing )
- I love you. I love you.

Flav:
Coming up, flavor flaaav!

And after i get roasted,

Yo boy is getting
Toasted! Ha!

Ladies and gentlemen,
He's an icon...

And an ex-con.

he's dynamic,
Subversive,

prolific and a bunch
Of other words

He probably
Doesn't understand.

He is truly
One of a kind--

Except for the crazy dude
That's outside the liquor store at manchester and western.

He's in the house
And out of his mind,

Ladies and gentlemen,
A true superstar--

Flavor flaaaav!

( hip-hop music playing )

( cheering )

Woooow!

One time,
Let me hear you say flavor flaaav!

All:
Flavor flaaaav!

After listening to all
These jokes about me, i just realized something:

I'm fucked up!

( Cackling )

Seriously, y'all,
This roast reminds me of my show.

It's one star in the room
Full of bitches!

All you roasters...

I'm about to give all you
Nicknames like i be doing the girls on my show.

Starting with you, katt!
I'm gonna call you sickle cell.

'Cause black folks

Is the only ones
That get you! Ha!

( Cackling )

Yo, snoop...

Take the hood off your head,
My nizzle fo shizzle nizzle.

I can't believe some
Of the shit you said about me.

But let's face it,
Homes,

This ain't the first time
You got away with murder.

( audience groans )

Brigitte nielsen, yo,
You know i respect you.

I value you as a person.

so i'm gonna call you

Titty mcgiant-jugs.

- ( Snickers )
- All right. ( Laughs )

wooooow!

- I love you, gitte.
You heard me? - And i love you too.

Jimmy kimmel!

i'm gonna call you funny.

You should at least hear it
Once before you die.

( cackling )

- Yo, jeff ross!
- Right here, flav.

i'm gonna give you
A rap name--

Old ugly bastard!

yeah, for real, g,
You know what i'm saying?

Your jokes was
Straight-up racist!

Simple and plain!

Motherfuck you
And john wayne!

I just wanna say it's
Been a great honor, man,

To be made fun of by all of
These talented people up here. You know?

And i ain't gonna lie, man.

But i've been through some hard
Times, you know what i'm saying, in my life.

But tonight, your man
Flavor flav is back on top, baby.

( Cheering )

Thank y'all for coming.
You know what i'm saying?

Yo, snoop, ice, jimmy,
Carrot-- everybody,

All y'all, man.

I love y'all, man.
Thank y'all for coming.

- Good night, y'all.
- ( Cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Hey yo, check this out.
This night was flav-tastic.

Flav brought that shit out
Of me tonight.

I wouldn't do this
For nobody but flav.

Is there a mirror somewhere?
Let me look at my face.

It's really starting
To make me concerned.

- Thank you all for coming.
- Thanks for having us.

I love you.
Thank you.

I love you, gitte.

The greatest night
Of my life, hands down.

- They told me, "yo,
Carrot top wanna come." - Yeah yeah yeah.

Like, "word!
That's my man!"

I thought it was good.
I thought there was a lot of positive things said.

Thought we came to some
Realities, some truths.

I'm devastated.
They were so darn mean to flavor flav.

Thanks for being
A good sport.

Of course,
I'm always good for it. No, definitely not.

- Right here, baby.
Right here. - Lots of fun.

I got ripped more than usual.
But you know what?

I can take it.
No, i can't.

Thank you.
I love you, brother.

Thank you for coming.

There was a few times
I thought,

"Fuck that was
Really rotten."

But you know what?
It was fun. It was a great night.

I finally got
To reconnect with my hip-hop roots.

You know,
I come from the street.

I got a big hug from flav
On the way out.

And he said,
"You're the best. You were great."

And you what?
He's fucked brigitte nielson

So he knows about
Large white bitches, so i must be funny.

I had a lot of fun.
Everything is great, you hear me?