Original subtitles

Bobbie.

This is your new office?

No, it's across the street,

at Mailboxes Etc.

Except today, the etcetera is someone's turkey sandwich fart.

Oh. You want a half a turkey sandwich?

No. No, I don't.

I wanna hear about "Doctor Cop Lawyer." I've been going crazy.

Brace yourself, Wray,

- because I have terrible news. - What?

You're out of samples!

- What is the news? - Thank you, stud.

- What is the news? - Okay. Well…

They were only looking at 20-somethings for my part.

- For your part? - Yeah.

What-- oh, the 20-something ex-dancer? That part?

Yes, they couldn't see me as an ex-dancer, Wray.

Mm. I'm sure.

Here you go.

He's just a little kid!

You don't wanna--

Okay, what about my role?

Can you tell me about my part, please? Have you talked to Diego?

I mean, I feel like he gave me the role in the room

and then he started talking about his dick trimmings.

Yes… no, Wray. He wants you for the part of Dr. Richard Trimmings.

- Limping, lispy sidekick. - Yes.

I have played aliens that are more humanoid than that character sounds.

Well, you have a network test tomorrow.

Did you even pitch me for the lead?

Yes, I did. I fought hoof and mouth to get your that part.

Sometimes I even hung up the phone on them.

You know, when they think that they can't get you,

that's when they want you.

- And… - They don't want you.

Wray, they gave it to someone else. They made offers to the Hemsworths.

Which one?

All of them. They just went down the line.

First it started with Chris, the chiseled, manly one,

and then at the end they went to Huck, the grizzled, manly one.

Did you tell them that I'm manly? Did you tell them that?

'Cause I am.

- Hello Kitty lemonade spritz. - Thank you.

And it's a little light on the sprinkles.

Of course you are manly, Wray.

You have a manly brand that's very vulnerable and open,

and a femininity that most actresses today

do not have.

So, you have to start realizing, Wray,

that you are a wonderful, talented, character actor.

You could've told me this over the phone.

Uh, but could I have given you this script over the phone?

Yeah. Yeah, you could.

You could've just emailed it to my phone from your phone.

Does your phone not have email?

Oh, I had to ditch my burner phone.

Listen, if anyone asks for me, you haven't seen me here

or across the street, or at the men's restroom at the ballpark.

But if you need me, I'll be at the ballpark.

You overheard that whole thing, didn't you?

Character actor…

You know what?

This is what-- limping, lispy, gimpy…

oh, look, I got a squinty eye.

I guess I should be lucky I don't have a hump.

No leads have humps…

but the Humpback of Notre Dame.

Hunch.

He's not even a hump.

He's a hunch.

The Elephant Man, probably.

He was twisted all to hell.

Moby Dick was a humpback,

well, but he isn't even the lead!

That's a side character! It's Ahab's story.

I mean, I get that the best actors in the world are character actors,

but…

…he's always shy…

…check it out. This guy,

Cynthia Nixon, the 1986 Chicago Bears,

and a six inch piece of string.

And I'm like, "What? I don't think so. Not on a Tuesday."

…more poisonous than poisonous snakes.

And they say, "Oh yeah, it goes down the opposite direction

when they flush the toilet but it doesn't. It doesn't.

It doesn't matter what you put in there, it still goes down the same way

as it always goes.

They come from criminals.

Pocahontas Mexican was the one-- you know, I'm not--

that sounds racist, but it's not,

not the way I'm saying it.

Not for $15 an hour, so I said "No, thank you" to his face.

…to here, up to here.

…cannot deal with it.

Sexually inconsistent.

That's what she said.

You're right, you're right.

I take your point.

No need to raise your voice.

I just need to be the best damn character actor that I can be.

There are no little roles, just little actors.

Actually, Peter Dinklage is a lead these days.

So… things are looking up.

Thank you.

Can I get a few more sprinkles?

I takes a lot of balls to be a performance capture artist.

27 to be precise.

And believe you me,

when you're out there, in that lonely virtual void…

these balls, they're your best friends.

Okay, everyone on their feet.

Woodland creatures. Pacific Northwest.

Go.

Nice.

You know, when I started in this business, these suits were primarily made of lead

and lined with asbestos.

I get regular check ups.

First gig was actually a print job.

You've all seen that famous poster of the kitten hanging in there?

Meow meow, that was me.

Mm. Oh-ooh.

Great stag.

However, I'd like to see a little more weight in the antlers.

I just shed them, sir.

You just shed them, indeed. Great job.

Very nice.

Of course, I rose to fame with my role as the feather

in the opening and closing sequence of "Forrest Gump."

I based all those movements not only on a real feather,

but discarded wrappers of boxes of chocolate.

Ultimately it became a melancholy ballet,

expressing the impermanence of life

and of course the dangers of diabetes.

Halt.

What the hell are you supposed to be?

Um, an orangutan?

An orangutan?

A Pacific Northwest orangutan.

- Like Portland. - "Like Portland."

What is the number on rule here at the Lansing School?

I don't know, it's my first day.

- Class? - No apes.

No apes. You want to learn how to be an ape,

you go see that hack, Andy Serkis.

He'll teach you how to be a feces-throwing chimp, okay?

Okay, you're dismissed.

Leave!

All right.

Son of a bitch…

All right, class, we…

- Hey, buddy. - Take five.

Wray! Hey.

Ah, you made it to the studio, all right.

Welcome to the Imaginesium,

home of emotion capture.

Registered trademark, Jerry Lansing.

Trademark pending.

It is really hard to find.

Yeah, well, you have to cut through Jalapenos Bar and Grill, I know.

Sons of bitches took down my sign,

but they give me a great deal on appetizers.

- You hungry? - No, no.

Um, I need your help with an audition.

Hit me.

It's network tests.

Um, the character… well, um.

He's got a limp, he's got a lisp and a squinty eye.

There's a lot of meat on that bone.

- I know. - Yeah.

Wait, one second. Class, wooded glen, please.

Wray. Walk with me through this clearing,

where we feel the breeze on a--

hold on.

People, it's the fall. Early fall.

Thank you. Come.

Trees, meet my dear friend, Wray Nerely.

You may recognize him from his space TV show, "Speculum."

"Spectrum."

"Spectrum," of course.

Hold.

What is that?

It's a branch in the breeze.

That is no branch in the breeze.

- That is a prehensile tail. - No…

You're trying to make a fool of Jerry?

- Never. - Is that what you're doing?

- No. - Doing a monkey!

- No. - You're making fun of Jerry.

Who does monkeys?

Andy Serkis does monkeys.

- You sir, are excused. - Please, not my balls.

Get out of here, you damn dirty ape.

Man does monkeys. That's all he does.

Gollum was a gibbon.

- Should I go? - No! You should stay.

Class, we're gonna be helping our good friend here today

with a network television audition, all right?

- Yeah. - Wray. Have a seat.

Whe-- just here, I mean… on the floor?

Just sit, Wray.

Oh my God! This is… new.

- All right. - Okay.

Tell me about the scene.

There you go. Uh… there's two scenes,

but the first one I'm-- I have barely anything in it.

Let's do the second one in the hospital.

All right, I'll read as Doctor Officer Blade Slater, Esquire?

- Sounds handsome. - Great, I'm Trimmings.

- All right. - All right.

First things first. Back story, go.

Well…

can the ottoman come closer?

Well, we have to move it.

There we go, thank you.

Ah, well… let's see.

He's got a limp and a lisp,

and he's got a squinty eye.

Okay, how long have you had the limp?

- I don't know… - I guess you do, Wray.

Since boyhood.

Boyhood. Okay, tell me about this childhood.

It was hard-scrabble.

Hard-scrabbly. A childhood misspent…

trying to keep your alcoholic father from losing the…

- Factory, the family factory. - Yes, family factory. I like it.

All right. Now, a lisp.

Lisp is never just a lisp, Wray.

A lithp ith a thtory.

Okay, it wath an acthident.

It wath an acthident, I uh…

- Was bitten off by a Bengal tiger… - In Vegath!

In Vegas, I love it. All right.

Squinty eye.

Oh, I was… okay, I was shot in the eye

by an arrow from a girl who lives next door…

who's in love with me so she tied a little note to it and shot it at my eye

and then she was so distraught,

she took another one and jabbed herself in the neck and killed herself.

It's a little on the nose, don't you think?

Let's go with this instead.

Son of a bitch!

All right, let's start this scene, everyone.

People, I need a hospital.

What-- no. What the hell?

Trimmings.

What would you say is the cause of death?

Nurse. Scalpel, please.

What the hell…

What is she doing?

- She's a silly elephant. - But…

It doesn't say that she's not a silly elephant.

But… okay.

There's a…

- Doctor, your scalpel. - Thank you.

It's your line, Wray.

Okay.

Doctor, there's bruising, on the neck,

also there's lacerations on his face,

but then there's ligature marks on the wrists.

Blade.

Are you okay?

I… I'm fine.

Look, it's not just a body. This is still your wife.

I already lost a family today.

I'm not losing my only shot at finding their killer, too.

- This is fantastic. - I know, it's huge. It's great.

All right. Um…

Doctor Offither Thlater?

There's thomething elth.

What?

There's no powder burns on the victim.

There's no power burns on the victim--

- Powder burns. - Powder burns.

- On the victim. - It burns.

There's no powder burns on the victim.

My God.

Trimmings, she knew the shooter.

All right.

That was excellent. Okay, up.

Let's, uh, take five, I want you to…

all pick a power animal and let that inform your choices, all right?

Wray.

Time to suit up.

Okay, don't. He'll… the horse will bite.

Okay…

Don't touch my head.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em, I'm a tornado.

Zoom. Enhance.

All right, you see the face of that man?

He's wearing sunglasses.

Zoom. Enhance.

Now in the reflection of those sunglasses

you can see another man, who's also wearing sunglasses.

Zoom. Enhance.

That's the face of your wife's killer.

The man who murdered your wife was a cop.

Now I know the face of my enemy.

- And scene. - Okay.

Wow. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You know what, Wray? You did it.

Now listen, you remember, when you walk into that room,

you don't show them anything but the character.

You walk in as Dr. Dick Trimmings.

I think I could do that.

Of course you can.

Class, well done. Homework.

I want you to pair up,

work on the deer lapping at a babbling brook.

And, Brooke,

listen, if you'd like to work on the deer lapping with me,

I'll make myself available to you privately.

All right?

My personal number's on that ball.

Use it.

- Jerry. - Hey.

- Come here. - Thanks, man.

You did a great job, and…

you've earned this.

Good luck.

If this was on your nipple, I'm not gonna use this.