Original subtitles

No, it's too damaged. Find a workaround.

No, we'll have to drop the shields.

We don't have shields. We don't have shields?

I'm so cold. Why am I so cold?

I'm naked! What the hell is wrong with my dick? It's all

blurry. No, wait, no no

no no no no no!

-Brenda! -I'm Doctor Chu Hua. Astro-biologist

On the spaceship Spectrum. Duh.

Jack's not even that good. I should have been the

famous one.

-You look great. -Hawaiian shirt? Come on.

Wray. You're

-wasting time. -No. Wait. Wait!

Hey Stutter. God are you still mad

-about the- -You outed me. Our secret's out.

-Yeah. -Everybody knows the real me. You're dead.

I honestly thought everybody knew.

You're already dying.

What? I'm getting old. God I'm getting old.

Making too many mistakes. Just too many mistakes.

Regret.

Oh God!

She's cracking up. You're way too damaged.

-No, no! -Wray?

Oh look at you.

I'm releasing a sequel

to my sex tape. Will you come to the premiere?

Why? What happened? You're just a little girl. Oh.

-These should have been our babies. -Dawn.

Those aren't babies. Those are dolls! Ah!

-You want it as much as I do. -No I don't.

Sex is always better with crazy.

Yes it is! And you're crazy!

No.

Yes.

No!

Yes!

-Wray? -Yes?

-You're the crazy one. -I'm not the one who's crazy!

You're the one who's crazy!

Abandon ship. To the escape pods!

Well, there's only one left and as captain,

I should take it. Only the captain goes on.

Fuck you!

Hey, you can't use the F-word on network television!

Come on. I'm hangin' up. Goodbye.

-Goodbye. -Self destruct in 6, 5,

4, -3,

2, 1!

Jack I'm, I'm, wait I'm here. I'm, I'm here I'm here I'm here.

Come over! I have the whole episode from the Dutch broadcast.

13 messages.

Episode of what?

Spectrum.

Ah! Bobbie! Bobbie what are you doing in my room?

I just want to see the look on your face when I give you

-good news. -How did you get in here?

What good news?

PJ Haars, you know, the creator of Spectrum.

-Yea I know who he is. -Well, he has just released the

lost episode on Dutch television.

What?

Well that's a terrible face. Give me a better one, huh?

PJ Haars is broadcasting the lost episode

and it's online…

It wasn't lost, it was stolen. Dammit.

Did I leave the front door

-unlocked? -Well those

are terrible faces.

Why don't you try smiling? It's the lost episode!

We only shot two days on that episode.

We were cancelled. PJ Haars lost it.

He stole the footage. What, is the episode online

only five minutes long?

No I think it was a full episode,

but every time they post it on a site it crashes.

I thought you'd have a copy. I brought over my

projector and your landlord has a screen.

-Dale let you in. -No, I broke your bathroom window with your

lawn chair. I also broke your lawn chair.

What's the deal with him anyway?

I mean he's nice but he's a little odd. I mean he's…

Did he ask you to punch him in the face?

No.

He will. Don't do it. He's 90.

Where are the beer glasses, I want to toast the occasion.

Dale you're not supposed to drink.

Beer doesn't count.

I was going to say that, he looks really good in red.

He used to be a stunt lady-man.

Back in the 50's he would double movie actresses before

stuntwomen were common. Ever since he turned 90,

he started to relive his more heroic days.

He probably jumped out of a moving car in that dress for Myrna Loy.

Bobbie I'd really like to get dressed.

Oh for God sakes I've seen you naked before.

-When? -Terrible face!

Dale be careful!

Still got it! Ha!

Shit.

The whole cast is coming over. Stutter's already here.

He keeps sharpening the kitchen knives, I've started hiding them.

Come over!

Wray Dearly! Doctor Chu Hua calling.

Just kidding! My costume still fits.

You should wear yours! Are you gonna be okay seeing Dawn?

…No…

Hey Wray. It's Dawn.

No.

Hey it's Tiffany.

Um, I hope you're going today I haven't seen you in so long.

You missed my perfume launch and birthday, and my arraignment.

TTYL!

Oh God.

Hey, Wray. Uh, It's Dawn…

the, last message was a little off the rails.

Hey, It's your old friend Stutter. Payback's a bitch.

Just like you are. You bitch.

I can't g- I mean, man, what the hell?

Hey it's Dawn again.

Last message got a, a little crazy…

Hit me in the face, closed fist.

I'm gonna warn you. I was Angie Dickinson's sparring partner in

the made-for-TV movie of the first female prize fighter.

-Well what was it called? -Box.

Show me…

Still got it! Hah.

Ow that hurts! My ears mostly.

I was the only lady stuntman who did his own screams.

The fans have crashed three servers.

Dale, your ear is bleeding.

Oh, wait! Here's a review. Original footage is seamlessly

merged with new scenes employing lookalike Dutch actors.

Other times Haars ingeniously employs crude animation

and shadow puppets.

He leaves in Dutch commercials as a commentary on the

obsolescence of advertiser-based funding.

His brilliance on full display.

Well, uh we got a lot of things to sign.

Ugh, Dale could you plug this in.

Oh my God somebody uploaded it to Vimeo.

I love Vimeo.

-Wait…paywall. -Let's set up the projector.

It's starting! It's starting!

Eh, the screen's too small.

Haars animated the opening. He always hated the original.

That's sweet.

I didn't know the Dutch

people actually wore wooden shoes…

wh- Hey! Dale.

I asked you to plug it in. Come on.

-I kinda like the new opening. -Yes.

Everybody's going over to Jacks to watch it.

-Well then I think we should go. -No, no, y- It's a cast-only

-thing… -Hm, okay…

Everyone from the original cast except of course, Bruise

Camp Bell. It was really nice of Haars to dedicate the whole

episode to the memory of Bruise.

Hm. -Did they ever find his body?

No. They figure the sharks got him.

He was a good guy. He was a pretty, good, guy.

He was a guy.

You know what?

Let me set up your projector.

Jack's gonna be there.

-Brenda. -Ugh, Brenda. What, is she fat or thin now?

Uh she said that she's gonna wear her original

costume from Spectrum to Jack's.

I couldn't even fit in that.

You know she was the spokesperson last year

for Pounders Weight Loss?

Yeah, they only ran the

before the pictures. Never the after.

-Not a good sign. -Not at all.

-Also, Stutter, and Tiffany. -How did such a sweet little

girl grow up to be such a dumb slut?

Dale! You cannot say that!

In my day, 'dumb slut' was perfectly acceptable!

Even a compliment.

Welcome to the new world. Now we call her 'stupid bitch.'

-No! No we don't! -Well how about whore?

Neither of those things! Look, she's just a sweet

little girl who grew up in the spotlight, and

every mistake she made

was exposed to the world.

So was her crotch.

Mhm. Hey! Stutter. Is he still pissed off that you outed him publicly?

His message would suggest, uh, that he is.

-Sorry. -You're doing it all wrong. -Here.

You know, the only person I hang out with anymore is Jack

and that's hardly ever anymore. I should go.

Is Dawn gonna be there?

Yes, um…

-she will. -Ooooh.

Well, someone's gonna get laid.

No. No I'm not. She is married now with twins.

Ah she's as crazy as a, shithouse rat.

-Dale… -You're gonna get laid. -No I'm not!

Careful, you don't want another Vegas.

Screw Vegas.

You know what, PJ Haars is getting his closure.

I'm gonna get mine.

You two, enjoy the episode.

Dale!

Still got it!

Your tooth slid under the couch.