Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

Get down on your knees! You have five seconds to comply!

-Seriously? -Gotchya! I'm Faith.

Jack wants to make a movie of Spectrum.

-I hate Spectrum! -Okay, calm down. You're being a little childish.

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

When people say that you've been stuffed into a pigeon hole,

it is not the hole that pigeons live in.

It's his butthole. I've gotta go to a comic book store opening,

because that's the kind of thing that I do.

Ooh Excuse me, I think I found it. H-H-Hey!

How you guys doin'?

It's about time. I'm sorry, I think I'm a little late.

How you doin'? How you doin'? I think that's me in the photo.

Listen, hey can I get…

Hey does anybody know 'My Sharona'?

Do you know 'My Sharona'?

Oh great, you're here! Everybody give him some room!

-My Sharona! -Hi Wray! Uh, hi. Casey Wingwall

I'm the owner of the store.

-Thank you so much for coming. -Hey.

Um, where were you I've been texting you for like an hour?

-Oh you did? -Yeah.

I was uh, oh, this is off.

I uh, was in a bar two doors down.

Well, that's fine.

It's not like I'm irked or anything I don't want to imply

that my hackles are up because my hackles are actually way

down, I just want to get you into the back.

And the long line of people. Everyone's paid.

I'm gonna get you signing in the back table.

-Damn Bobbie. -Casey.

Damn me?

Ooooh. Oh Damn you, Wray.

You have been avoiding me.

Wha- look. I…I… I turned off my phone.

No, you need me.

No look, you didn't book this thing.

No, you still need me.

I'm only here for the cash.

You need to shut up.

Um, excuse me.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi, I need to get uh Wray into the back

-we're gonna start signing. -Oh, okay.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen we will be signing in 10 minutes!

Okay, alright, you know what? That was wonderful but I am the

booker and I will be making that announcement.

Everyone, we will be signing in 10 minutes!

Thank you, always appreciate the help. That's the way it's done. Absolutely my pleasure.

Listen we've got a lot a lot of people here so if I could just

grab Wray, and, w- we could

Where'd he go?

Comic book fight!

Everybody pick a comic book and start throwing them around.

-Wray! No, I'm getting him. -Excuse me excuse me, I'm sorry.

Please don't touch those.

-I know. I know how to do this. -I will get him.

-Michael Dorn is here. -Wray, Michael Dorn is here.

Dorn. Yes.

Uh, he is talking about his voiceover work

um, in Verger, and also Kevin Grevioux is here.

Mhm.

Um, I also fixed the banner for you in the back there.

See, you need me.

I'm so sorry. All we could find was the…

the Spectrum art.

We couldn't find any of the art from um, uh W' Sup Bitch.

I hate this picture. You know what?

I do need you. I need you to find that other art.

Okay, I will.

Uh, there wasn't anything available online,

I, she's not gonna be able to find anything.

You're not.

It was only released on VHS and even then, I think it was just

an extras feature on the back of Truck and Tractor Pull bloopers.

Okay, okay. Um. Hi. Um,

Who here is good with computers?

Of course okay, whatever.

Uh, how about, really good with computers?

Oh good, what's your name?

-Landon. -Landon! Follow me.

-But, I wanted an autograph. -I'll give you one of mine.

Oh, do you hear that?

Oh Mr. Dorn has been nice enough to read excerpts from

Shakespeare's 'The Merchant of Venice' for his fans.

Maybe it should be 'Merchant of Venus'.

Right? Right, it's gotta be sci-fi.

Oh, of course! Hahaha.

You're tryin' to get my hackles up aren't you?

-I don't know… -You are.

Don't do that.

Um listen, if you need anything this gentlemen over here will

help you but keep your hands off of his hackles.

He's a Marine.

-Oh. Mhm. -Have fun.

Thanks guys.

You're a solider?

A Marine. I just got back from Kabul.

Well, thank you for your service.

An honor to serve.

Yeah, I was a solider on my video game this morning.

So thank you for your service.

And, thank you for my service.

I loved you in Spectrum. Are you ever gonna make a movie?

Never. Never.

Thank you.

-So what's your name? -Marion, sir.

No shit!

My character in the video game's name was Marion this morning.

You weren't shot in the rectum were you?

I was I'm sorry. It's an inside video game joke.

War is not a game.

I know it's not a game.

I mean, there's similarities.

What similarities?

First person shoot 'em ups.

I mean I don't get PTSD, but, you know, well actually

if you play long enough you will dream about it, so…

I can see that I'm upsetting you. I'm sorry.

Hi, I just want to uh, say thank you for your service.

Yeah, uh, what service are you thanking me for?

Your service.

It's empty if you don't know what you're talking about.

-You went to Kabul right? -Yes, I did.

That service then.

I thank you, for that. Iraq thanks you.

-Kabul's not in Iraq. -Shit.

The other one.

Longest war in American history?

Yeah I know, is it? Is it- I- Uhhh

Talibanistan. Ghanistan.

-Ghanistan? -Afghanistan.

13 years of combat.

I'm sure it's an… a common mistake. Hey!

Do you know what the longest war in American history is?

Afghanistan?

You overheard me. She overheard me.

Well, we're not technically, still at war.

Major combat operations have ended.

And it was officially an operation.

Operation Enduring Freedom.

We still have like 3,000 troops stationed over there, so…

Wolf Blitzer over here. Just take your picture.

This is a picture of Milo Ventimiglia.

Celebrities please to the staging area.

If we could get all celebrities to the stage area, please.

Alright, everybody! Welcome to Jammer Comics!

I'm very privileged to be

hosting this panel today on overcoming the bigotry

of racist stereotypes in hate art.

And here are our panelists, Mr. Michael Dorn,

Mr. Kevin Grevioux, and someone who is very nearly

Milo Ventimiglia, Wray Nerely.

We love you Milo.

Uh, Mr. Dorn, you're no stranger to sci-fi, of course, and uh he

can currently be seen in 'The Merchant of Venice' at the

Cerritos Playhouse, it's just tremendous, by the way.

Thank you, thank you.

Let's talk about the Forest God, Tartanos in Verger.

Oh certainly.

Tartanos is a great role, and role model.

I'm pretty sure that 50 years ago, he wouldn't even exist in

animation, or even popular entertainment.

Well if he did, he would no doubt be voiced by a

white actor, even though Tartanos is black.

That just, that just rankles me, it's like vocal blackface.

Vocal blackface?

Boy just, just talkin' about it my hackles are halfway up.

Oh mine are straight up. I mean I get a violent urge

every time I think about it.

Could we maybe hear a sample of Tartanos, the warrior king?

Uh, sure.

The Squires in their dy-dilly-dell

chappity-cheer for the keggly King!

Keggly King?

Powerful. An- an- and a hero too, not some

cartoonish outsized punchline predicated on a stereotype.

Wray, let's talk about W' Sup Bitch.

Milo mentioned your character Rigamarole.

Would you do the voice for us?

Skip me.

Okay.

I, we're gonna, I'm gonna go last.

Skip me. What's, what's up with you, Kevin?

We love you Milo.

Uh, okay, uh, Kevin. You are voicing Sparkle

in 'The Finnicky Dragon'.

C- Could you please?

I will drink your blood from the husk of your rank and

ruined soul.

She's an amazing character. You know she really speaks to

the damage done by the stereotypical shuck and jive

hijinks for cheap laughs.

What it is, is an extended metaphor uh, that actually

outlines the, I guess you would call it the effects of

institutional racism.

Racism pisses me off. It rankles my hackles.

Oh, mine too. I mean, I see red. Uh, sometimes I black out,

and when I come to some place else hours later, I wake up

with a blunt object covered in some poor guy's blood.

I do the same thing.

I mean I have to watch the news to see who I've killed.

Yeah, I follow the peaceful teachings of MLK.

J. And the, the lowercase 'r'.

Well uh, Wray, let's talk about W' Sup Bitch.

What's up Bi..?

No no, he's saying it wrong it's uh super.

What, Super Bitch?

Um, well the 'W' is silent so just "Super Bitch".

Su…Supa Bitch.

Super Bitch.

It's about uh, a super um, female dog

We miss you Milo!

and I voice it and it's a lot of fun.

Well I, I'm sorry everybody we actually don't have any art from

the show but, maybe you could tell us a bit about it?

-Nope. Nope, no. -Yes! Yes he can. Yes he can.

Hi excuse me, excuse me, thank you. Thank you so much.

I told you you needed me.

No I don't, I need you to stop!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that we have

-four -No

…character voices

Zero characters! Zero characters!

by this man right here.

Bobbie!

This one is Taj.

The suicide bomber with Tourette's.

He was tick, tick, tick, boom. Hehehe. -Hahaha

Okay, what's next? Ah! Chong.

My cleaner clean any type of clothes! In my restaurant

will cook any type of animal!

Okay and Fey-Fey.

Oh my God, this is so hard. Get your mind out of the gutter,

I'm talkin' about my penis.

And, of course Rigmarole.

Bobbie!

Um, which I, did not get a voice for, so…

Oh thank God.

Let's hear it.

Uh, yeah I would, but I don't know the words.

Get. Up.

-Okay, I'm up. -Here.

Oh. I'll just read this.

Rigmarole. I…ye..

If you break us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

If you poison us, do we not die?

If…if you wrong us,

shall we not revenge?

Uh, everyone stay calm please, just a minor blackout.

-Where'd he go? -Where's…where's Wray?

Oh God. Please, please, please! I'm not a racist, I'm not.

I dated a black girl she was half black.

I don't know what the other half was.

Will you shut up?

One of the Chinas.

But please, you know what? She was a racist.

That's why I broke up with… That's true!

Shut up! This knife is sharp.

Don't ki…don't kill me, don't kill me!

Fuck that was some dangerous shit, man.

Marion! Was that a zip-tie?

Oh my God.

Thank you. You saved my life! Yeah. You s…

Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service.

I see you meant it that time.

Fuck. Rigmarole was a white guy.

You know W' Sup Bitch?

Yeah.

Remember when the Taliban breached the Kabul airport?

Yeah.

It's like the mun… it was the municipal…

Ah sh- stop. You don't remember shit.

When we got back to the base, man after the attack we

were fucked up. Then I found a VHS tape of

Truck and Tractor Pull bloopers on the Pakistan border,

at a safe house next to an Amish gas station.

It was W' Sup Bitch.

And we, we laughed, and laughed.

And we watched it every night until the end of our deployment.

Thank you for your service.

It's like I was in Kabul.

No, it wasn't like you were in Kabul.

A little bit.

But you don't find the voices racist?

Nah. It's funny. I mean if it was I'd have to kick your ass.

It's a personal rule. Doesn't matter how much I like you.

I'd be obligated to kick your ass.

Roger that.

Can you break it down one more time?

Rigmarole was my favorite.

Ooooooh shit!

My name is Rigmarole.

Let me break it down for you. Aww girl.

the human body is, 60 percent water, and

I'm about to use

every drop a' yours.

Broke it down!

-Oh Jesus, Shit. -Open up the door, Nerely,

-Man you gotta go. Go! -we know you're out there.

My name Rigmarole.

I got a four-alarm fire in my pants. It's arson,

I'm coming to get ya.

and giiirl you the only suspect.

Broke it down!

Aw girl that mocha skin, it is got me fightin' a rigid limp.

It is your Brown versus my Board of Erection.

W- w- w- w- wait, that was borderline.

It is?

Yeah. You know I'm gonna ask Kevin, see what he thinks.

I'm coming to get ya.

No, come on we were in Kabul together.

No we weren't.

Get in! I told you you would need me.

Did you hotwire my car?

No. Maybe. Yes.