Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

Just meet me.

-in the hotel bar. Six o'clock. -Meet me at the hotel bar.

-How about seven? -Oh my god!

It looks just like…he has the gun! And the knife!

I will see you in Hell! Who here wants to adopt one of their own?

-We have three left. -$700 bucks?

$700 bucks! $700! $700! Alright, $800, $825!

I'm jumping to $900! $900! For $925!

Stop this, I'm not selling. Get out of my way.

Louise! Louise!

Wait!

Louise! Excuse me, Louise.

Excuse me, excuse me. Louise! Listen, listen.

Hey, hey! Aren't you Wray Nerely?

Yeah…uh.

Oh hey look! It's Jason Mamoa.

Come…come here, please. I just want to talk to you

just…just for a minute. Ok.

Oh God!

Ok look. I did not know that you had a son

that was taken by a fire. And look…

I just want to say I'm sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for that.

-Is this little baby…Izzz… -Isabelle.

-Isabelle. -Yes.

She's so precious, look at that. Her skin is porcelain.

Just like her mommy's.

Well, he certainly looks like daddy.

He actually calls me Papa. He's a Papa.

I've misjudged you.

Kiss me!

Yes!

-Ok. -Oh…yes…oh it's happening.

-What's happening? -It's happening.

-I'm confused. -Oh…it's happening…oh.

You know what. We're taking it a little…fast.

Why don't we have a nice dinner tonight?

Just the four of us.

How can I say no?

You knocked me off my feet the moment I met you.

-Cause you hit me with your bag. -Twice.

Twice. You like that?

My God.

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Yeah, harder. Rougher.

-Rough…? -It's happening.

-What's happening? -It's happening.

-I'm confused. -No, it's happening.

Can I get in there?

-Not in front of a baby. -Oh what was I thinking. I just

Bad boy.

-It?s happening. -Oh my God.

Oh we should go. I?m too close to you to stop myself.

I honestly thought it would be bigger in here.

Bigger?

Can we please go home?

Thank you.

Wray Wray, this is your first double date I think.

Yes! I need to know about the birds and the bees.

I'm a virgin.

Don't worry buddy. I can tell you everything I know. It's not much.

-Wray? -Oh, hi…Good to see you.

Kiss me.

Oh hahaha…woof.

There we go. Oof.

Could I get a high chair please?

I'm sorry all the high chairs are currently being used by other…babies.

Oh my God, you look more beautiful every time I see you.

Good because I have a thing for single fathers.

Can I start you off with a glass of wine?

I'm breastfeeding.

Water only.

What is wrong with you man?

Can't you see that she has an infant.

Christ!

-Hello, Wray Wray. -Hello there, Miss!

-Oh such manners. -Watch this.

Hello there. I'm waving at you.

-Oh no. -No, no, he's waving.

He's waving. See that.

-Ok. -Look at him, he's my little man. I love him.

He has a little knife and a flashlight.

I didn't think you were capable of caring like this.

Did all those sci-fi fans love for you rub off?

They've rubbed several things off on me over the years.

Um…You know what? I guess their love

is keeping my cancelled show alive.

And your love for Wray Wray is keeping him alive.

That's…that's true. That is true.

Do you want to hold her?

I do. I do. I want to. I gotta get my hands on those babies.

That baby. Ok, watch the head.

Ok. Oh wow! She's a doll. Beautiful little baby…girl.

I have to go to the powder room. Can I leave her with you?

-Trust me. -Oh thank you.

What's happening? What's happening?

Taking notes Wray Wray?

I've found you a high chair and we are mashing peas as we speak.

Not necessary, thanks a lot buddy.

Here you go kiddo, alright. Come on, sit up.

What have you got, Rickets, huh? Chill out.

Hey, hey Jack! What are you doing?

Oh, re-shoots for Mission Hammertoe.

Where are you?

Alps? No, Tetons I think? Where are we?

-Where are we? -Burbank.

-What is your name? -Martina.

Martina. You know what, Martina,

I think you stay very close to me.

In the event of hypothermia, body heat can be the only thing that saves our lives.

You know I have got to tell you, I'm such a huge huge fan.

Get out!

Buddy, Buddy, listen.

Ben, did you have the makeup girl? Yeah, you won the pool.

-Snow guy. Keep it coming. -Buddy, Buddy.

Make this little winter wonderland for me and my little snow princess.

-A little Eskimo kiss. -Buddy, Buddy. Listen, listen.

I am on a date right now with a crazy…

she's crazy actually. Crazy crazy hot lady.

Nice. CCHL. That is super fun.

No, she has a baby doll that she thinks is an actual baby.

Oh Jesus! Wray Wray we're screwed.

Sorry I gotta go. I just killed this woman's replacement baby.

Oh no. Oh no.

-Dinner roll? -No. Yes! Yes! Yes! Come back.

Ciabatta?

Yes, perfect. Perfect. Uh.

Oh yeah! Just an ear… just an ear away from that working…and then the hat.

Look! You're buying that?

No, it's terrible. You're screwed.

I'll see you in hell.

I'm sorry. Big fan.

Oh! How cute! I've gotta get a picture. Hold on.

Oh really?

Yes. Tilt her head down. I can't see her face.

More.

Let's see…

What's wrong with her face? Are those burns?

No, no they're not. They're not, they're not burns.

Oh God I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't.

-This is bread, see? -No..no!

Dumb idea…here

Where where…where's her head?

With Jesus.

Why is it always the head?

My son melted and now…

You said melted?

I was making paella. He was too close.

His face melted into a puddle.

That's why I bought porcelain this time.

You never had a son. You never had a baby. You've never…

You are crazy. Do you know that?

That is just a baby doll. You've only had merchandise.

NO! Get your hands off of him. Don't you dare.

-What? He's just a jackoff doll. -What are you talking about?

Push the button on his back and watch him whack it.

Oh no! Wray Wray! No! No! No!

Enjoy playing with yourself. Murderer!

Wray Wray. Oh God.

That is obscene, man.

Bobbie! My action figure jerks off.

-Sean. -Yeah. What do you want?

-Is Bobbie here? -Yes.

-Can I talk to her please? -Uh no.

Well, Ok fine. Can you tell her

I'm not signing any action figures ever.

Ok. Um…we're busy.

Sean come on in.

Seriously!

-Leslie. -Wray, your timing is not good.

Is Bobbie here?

Have you seen Maher's abs?

Straight guy code of secrecy, that made my junk pop!

Leslie, look. My action figure has a design flaw.

It needs to be recalled.

Look at that.

My God, the possibilities!

No, no! Leslie! You give him back!

Bullshit! Leslie! Leslie! He's an innocent. He's an innocent.

Please, be gentle.

Oh my God…put him on…

Wray Wray!

Whip me!

You feel it now.