Original subtitles

Oh my God! Oh my God.

Stand back.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

You fell. You fell.

-Hello. -Do I know you?

-I, I, I'm Wray. -Louise.

Are you here for the convention? -Yes, yes I am.

-Me too! -Really?

I got in last night. I needed a new key.

Why are these babies so much quieter than their mothers?

Because most of them are asleep. Shhh.

Oh. She is breastfeeding?

Now I know where powdered milk comes from.

'Cause she is old and it's dust.

I adopted a little girl this morning. She's asleep upstairs.

You did? That's huge.

My gosh! By yourself or is there a mister?

No. It's just me and Isabel. Oh my gosh!

-She's so beautiful. -Thank you.

You want to say hello? Say hello.

What a little doll. Holy shit! That's an actual doll.

Stop that!

Watch your mouth you son of a bitch! Are you all right? Are you all right?

I think they're all dolls.

You said you were here with the convention?

There is a doll convention?! I'm in the wrong hotel.

No I'm in the right hotel.

You're here for the sci-fi convention

and you're judging us?

Wait. So Isabel your baby

is a doll?

She's as real as my feelings for her.

That's creepy weird.

You're rude!

Sci-fi fans have a sense of humor. You should too. Seriously!

Two years ago a kitchen fire claimed the life of my baby boy

and the doctor said that I should adopt Isabel

as a therapeutic way of healing.

Seriously!

But that's what I'm talking about.

I'm saying laughter is a healing force

for, for good.

Oh God! Come on!

Sorry. I'm so sorry. That is obviously your fault.

The sign is crooked. Get down. Close the ladder.

We've got to open the doors. Let's go people. Let's go!

-How's your room? -It's not great.

Good. They had you in a suite and I moved you to a junior

economy and they paid the difference in cash.

You know Bobbie, most bookers negotiate up.

I am up a hundred dollars, Wray.

Cosplay judging in 5 minutes?

Hey. Hey, hey, don't flash the cash. What the?

People are gonna think that I'm bribing a judge.

Wait a second. You're competing in the Cosplay contest?

No Wray. I'm only dressed like this for nothing.

I am Kake kokei kake kokei kai.

Yes, the Jap-anime ninja school girl in the show Death Hi!

Well I'm getting Jap-anime ninja lunch lady.

-You know? Be careful. -All right.

Where the hell are we Bobbie?

I don't know. But you got to vote for me.

I went sexy and what? The other two judges are gay.

I'm meeting with Ron Slackskin? Who's that?

I should have dressed as Norman Reedus.

Wait a second! Ron Slackskin, he's the guy with the action figure.

I'm finally getting an action figure. Have you seen it?

Come on! You've seen it. Does it look like me?

I don't know. What's the difference?

If it doesn't look like me I'm not signing it.

Oh really? Okay. You know what? This is a lot of money and

15 percent of it is mine. So why don't you wait here and

someone will call you.

Where are the rest of the judges?

I don't know, they probably got stalled by those crazy doll bitches.

That's rude.

Wray, they're freaks!

I'm gonna go get my sword and I'm gonna lube my haunches.

Why is it that all theaters smell

vaguely like musty mattresses and gypsy ejaculate.

-Good Lord. -Leslie Jordan?

Wray Nerely.

-Yes. -Oh. I'm a huge fan. I love Spectrum.

Really? Wow I'm a huge fan of yours.

I've never seen you at one of these things.

Well I just booked my first superhero movie.

So I'm gonna, I'm gonna start coming to these things.

Well congratulations!

Yeah I can't really talk much about the movie now

but I've been hired to play a mad scientist but I think

I'm gonna play him a little bit more like a fussbudget.

-Like a fussbudget scientist? -Yeah.

-Whoops! -Hi.

-Hi. I think I'm lost. -And now you're found.

Ooh girlfriend, you sparkle like a stripper's ass.

See I as a gay man I can appreciate females non-sexually.

Yeah. Look at that. Ooh!

I love Spectrum.

Wray, he's gay too. Get in on this Wray.

No, no, not gay. Don't want to get in on that.

Stop, stop, stop it. Hey, why don't you come over here.

I think you're supposed to be lining up.

Sir. I think you're supposed to be lining up over there.

-Leave her al-- hey. -Oh yeah.

Sweetheart you're in the wrong spot. Come with me.

-Okay. Bye. -Bye. Nice to meet you.

-Are you gay? -Are you?

I'm invoking the straight guy code of secrecy.

Yeah. No. You don't even know the handshake?

There's a handshake?

Quick, what kind of underpants you got on?

I don't know. They're tight. They're white. I bought them in a bag of 50.

Oh you are straight.

Shh. I too am a straight.

The gay thing, it's an act to bring in the ladies.

Yeah, Oh, what?

There's a breed of women that my perceived homosexuality

ensnares every time. Conservative cougar.

Conservatives say that homosexuality is a choice.

They know that's a corrosive black lie.

In their heart of hearts, the truth faintly beats out a little SOS.

It says help me Leslie Jordan. I'm a shell. Oh I'm hollowed out

Do you know what I fill that emptiness with?

-Love? -My big dick.

First, I lie. I say sexuality is a choice.

My goodness, you're right. You've got me.

But now I'm choosing differently and I choose you, you sexy bitch.

It backs up their whole

warped world view.

They surrender to me

Wray, like I am their savior.

I do butt stuff whenever I want. Do you do butt stuff?

Um, you know, I don't know the definition of butt stuff.

Don't you say a word. Zip it.

-Hey you guys. -Oh hey! Hey.

-Hey, how are you? -I'm good, good.

-Yeah it's good. -Hi, hi. I'm, I'm I'm Wray.

I'm Sean.

-Nice to meet you. -Oh you guys don't know each other?

No, no. I mean I know where you're from.

You're from Serenity.

It was a great TV show. I haven't seen it.

I saw some clips. It's good stuff though.

Right. Well, Serenity was the movie. The television show was Firefly.

-It was? -Yeah. -That's good stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the EX-Con.

The most extreme Con in condom.

Give our judges a very Ex-Con welcome!

Judges! Judges, give me a wink when you're ready to start.

Leslie? Got it. Wray? Got it.

Sean? I love it. All right, let's get started right away.

Yo Master Chief!

Keko keko keko kei.

She's sexy.

What? Who?

Her. She's sexy like a rock formation can be sexy

or leather furniture.

That's my convention booker.

There's nothing conventional about her. She's so agile.

Like a greasy, sexy rat. Like a dirt squirrel.

-Oh he's sexy. -What?

Hot. Like a meat stew or a swamp. Like a hot old meaty swamp.

What are you looking at? Are you looking?

That is not a he. That's a she. Her name is Bobbie.

That's so embarrassing. Please don't tell her I said that.

All right I won't.

I love transgender people.

They're the most courageous people in the whole world.

-No,she's not. -Courageous?

When have you ever had to fight for who you are?

Check yourself.

Courage makes my junk pop.

Oh my. Here comes the big finale.

Oh my God!

Ladies and gentlemen

you've seen it here.

Hello beautiful.

The Ex-Con is extreme.