Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

Die human!

Jerry

-Hey buddy! -I have an audition.

for Clint Eastwood. Maybe put in a good word for me?

All famous people don't know all the other famous people, Wray.

But yeah I know him.

He borrowed my lawn mower. He owes me a favor.

Are you guys ever going to make a Spectrum movie?

-God, I hope not. -You don't like sci-fi?

I hate sci-fi.

They are retarding art.

Retardin' it all up.

Oow, Man.

Seriously.

aah, aah

What? What?

Come on.

Come on.

haa,

-Is one of those coffees for me? -Yes

Come in.

Did I record my audition last night? I got an email

from the casting director. Thank you, great choices,

I'll definitely send this on to Clint.

I don't know, I went to bed.

My memory stops at the Platinum party.

What the hell happened last night?

-I got laid. -Oh my God.

-Oh no! Oh no. -Do you want a towel?

No, you leave your towel on.

Did I…? Did we…?

-Did I… -I did.

That is disgusting!

Thank God that's disgusting. Thank God, that is disgusting.

Did we record my audition last night?

Yeah, yeah

I think we did that. Please, tell me it was good.

I don't remember

Oh my God it works. Holy shit.

After you passed out,

Burnsie and I recorded some other things.

That's benefits of a strong core right there.

Prepare for your probe, human.

OK, well, I have a panel. Burnsie, that was magical.

Don't get clingy.

Yeah, I got, I got it

Oh, your panel is right after his, so…

-Yeah. -Why don't I meet you back stage in about an hour, ok.

Oh, you can keep my underwear.

Oh no…

No, no, no.

Andy Serkis and I are very, very different Perf-cap actors

you see, in the Watchman

for instance, I performed as Dr. Manhattan's penis.

Without me, it was just a

dangling blue distraction, right? But I,

breathed life into that penis. I gave it mood, expression,

foreskin.

Jack

Hey, buddy, could you give me a call, whenever you get this message,

it's about that Clint Eastwood thing, uh, also, um…

Jerry fucked Bobbie, oh my God, call me.

…which is right nipple, would harden, and he drank so profusely, that, that nipple,

you could hang a wet leather jacket on it. It was all-

How do you feel?

How do y…

I feel shitty.

That Eastwood audition…

-it matters. -OK well, the fans matter.

And they love you. But it's a perfect cure for a hangover.

I'm 43. I mean I know I don't look it but uh,

every missed chance feels like a last chance.

You know what doesn't matter is sci-fi acting.

Sci-fi acting doesn't matter. You're never going to win an award for it.

No, I guess no matter how good you are.

Even Spectrum lasted half a season.

It doesn't have worth.

Who likes Jesus? I have a theory that he wasn't crucified.

-I think Vikings killed Jesus Christ. -Thank you,

thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Jerry Lansing.

The best MoCap man you'll never see in the movies.

--And next we have for you, your favorite and mine,

Good crowd.

--Spectrum's own, Wray Nerely!

Thank you.

Sounds like some of you are as hangover as me.

A little bit more, come on.

Come on, I need this…hahah.

Thank you. That's actually, uh, very rejuvenating.

Who would have thought ten years later

we'd still be talking about Spectrum? Not me.

Um, uh, but right now, I'm really glad that we are.

That was really nice thank you,

that was worth something to me. Thank you.

I actually feel better. OK, so I'm gonna play a clip here that

you've seen a thousand times, and then I'll comment on it

which you've heard a thousand times.

Whoa! There's a lot of questions!

All right, pause that.

I think maybe we can…

OK thanks, I guess we'll go to questions first.

Why did you say you hate sci-fi?

I, I said that. I mean I said that?

Well who loves sci-fi? Here, you do, I saw,

and you, and you, you, ok, and you do. Ok yes.

OK, next question, next question, next question.

When are you shooting the Clint Eastwood movie?

Hush your mouth, hush it down, hush it down. Shhh, shhh.

I didn't even know that Clint Eastwood was making a western.

For the record, if it's a western.

You wouldn't shut up about it at the party.

I don't even know, I don't even know

If you had to choose between a Clint Eastwood movie

and the Spectrum movie, which would you choose?

Why don't you move on from her. She's got lots of qu… Some other…

Thank you for that. I really want to be honest here.

So I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

Spectrum.

Spectrum.

Spectruuuum.

This is a little much, you're retarding me.

What?

You're retard- retard, I mean, yeah

you're retarding.

Ya'll heard it. Retarding. I'm, I'm the one who's retarded.

-My ego's retarded. -Watch your mouth!

-You're all retarding. -You leave Miranda alone.

Wow. OK, I'm not, I'm not not leaving her alone, I'm just saying,

look - to retard, the actual definition is to limit. OK?

To mangle. Not the second, not, that's not it.

I give to charities. I give to-

Just this morning, I gave something to help

Spastic Seasonal

-That's not a thing. -Shit.

You're an asshole, you better watch it dude.

This son of a bitch,

stole my lucky pen, and he refuses to give it back.

You are a thief, Nerely! You are a thief.

You're an asshole.

I didn't know I took your pen accidentally. Stole, that's a pretty

harsh word, right. Easy mistake, here, take your pen.

My eye

-Jerry and Bobbie had sex? -Yes, isn't that disgusting? Thank God.

-What's going on? -Oh, poker till the sun came up and then

somehow, it turned into a Quinceaçera.

I like your life so much better than mine.

I let him win. When he bluffs he touches his nose.

Listen, I need you to focus up for me buddy. Focus up.

Go with this. Hello, Everybody, Ladies and Gentlemen, your favorite captain.

Mr. Jack, Moore.

How you doing?

I see you!

-Hey Nerely! -Oh no.

We wanna talk to you!

Come on, we're going. We are going.

Bobbie get my phone, get my phone.

-You can run but you can't hide! -Ruuuunn.

Hey, Hey, I can walk.

Yeah, my shoes just make my feet hurt.

-You son of a bitch. -I am also angry at you. -OK

OK, the green room is the, I don't know, I think we're lost.

-We're going to lose him. -She can walk. -I'm handy capable.

-Come on! Move it! -Hey shove over, stickboy.

Hey guys! He's over there, hey!

Hold my bag. I've been practicing my

impression of you. I've got this.

Retarding retarding, I hate science fiction fans,

I don't appreciate what I've got,

Trophies and Awards are the only sense of self-worth that I have,

I, I aaw, I don't see what I have because my

head is stuck so far at my own ass. Ooh, aah

I have a drinking problem.

-That's him. -What?

I love you.

How is that me?

Oooooooh

Hey man, off stage already, huh?

Sorry to hear about the Clint Eastwood movie man.

Thank you.

Wait… sorr… wh- what?

Oh the fans posted a video of you talking about it last night.

Apparently Deadline got Clint coming out out of a restaurant.

-Said you're a dickehead. -Hush it down!

A fan's love Love that retards, am I right?

Hey Sean, do you like Bourbon balls?

Yeah, right on.

Nerely I'll see you in hell.

Excuse me, are you Sean Aston the actor?

Not at the moment.

-I am such a huge fan. -That's sweet, thank you.