Original subtitles

Meanwhile on Con Man

Are you Wray Nerely?

No, I am not.

Jack Moore. You guys are best friends, right?

Retard.

-To impede or hinder. -Those fans are retarding me. -Be who they think you are.

Sean Aston? Is that your seat? I am not moving.

What the hell, man?

-Sir. -Yes.

I'll need you to take your seat, please.

Excuse me, sir. You wouldn't happen to be a sci-fi fan would you?

Fuck off.

I think this man might need some warm nuts and maybe a towel.

Hot hot hot towel.

-Nerely! Don't eat them. -Bobbie!

What are you doing in my room?

I wanted to make sure you got in okay.

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. Look, I'm broken.

Here. Why don't I get you something

-from the medicine chest? -Oh God.

The promoters say that they're very very sorry.

This is the cost difference between first class and coach,

minus my 15 percent. Here.

Could you just put it on the table. I want to let it cool off a little bit.

Oh, there's a script for you.

This is just a non-disclosure agreement.

No, no. I have the script.

-Bobbie! -It's a western with Clint Eastwood.

Hush it down. Hush it down.

No one is supposed to know about this.

Well, I can know. I'm like your agent.

No, no you're not. My agent is like my agent.

-I'm like your manager. -No, you're like my science

fiction convention booker because that's what you do.

You book me at science fiction conventions. This is nothing to do with you.

I happen to have almost been in a little Clint Eastwood movie

called "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly."

-Really? -Yeah, I auditioned for "The Ugly."

He even had a nickname for me.

Dirty Harry and Mouthy.

Wray! Come on.

-I know I can help you with this. -No…

Here have a little bit of wine, I think it's very expensive.

Alcohol makes my face bloat.

-I have to play 30 for this role. -Oh boy, that's a stretch.

Hey move over.

-Come on, let's go over the script together. -No no, Bobbie.

No, really! I think there is a part in it for me.

-No. -What? Come on!

-What, are you in pain? -Why are you watching Spectrum?

Oh the hotel channel?

They are doing a whole marathon in your honor.

-They are big fans. -You know?

Science fiction is supposed to be about the future.

Why are the fans so obsessed with the past?

-I'm almost out! -Who's that?

Oh, the convention sent over a personal assistant.

How long has she been in there?

-She's sick. Poopy sick. -Poopy sick?

Is she a volunteer?

-Volunteers are all fans. -Well, everybody is a fan, Wray.

-Don't do that! -What?

Your flattery retards my art.

Okay, it retards it right up!

Hello, Mr Nerely. I'm Karen.

You're dressed just like me. She's dressed just like me.

Well, the shoes are off.

How is that possible?

Someone posted a picture of you online from the airport,

and this way if stalkers are following you I can draw them away because

they will think I am you. Plus, we're a team, right?

Yeah, there's no reason for this. There will never ever be a reason for a decoy.

-Is that smell you? -Oh, I'm sorry.

I think it was the Belaran bourbon ball someone brought to the party last night.

I do need a fan now, Bobbie.

I need one that spins and moves the air around.

Oh come on Wray. It's not that bad.

Let's go.

Such a little girl.

Karen. Karen.

Karen had to crap a bunch more. Oh, Wray look at that line.

I'm right over there,

signing autographs just a couple of tables down from you.

-You're signing? -Yes! You know I haven't always

been a talent booker. I was in

12 sci-fi films.

Okay, six.

Three.

Two.

One.

Look,

Argh. I'm still getting back spasms.

Hey, is spastic seasonal

-a thing? -Yeah, it's a thing. I had an aunt once who

-was lousy with that stuff. -Hi, sorry. I'm good now. -Good. Alright.

Are we ready team? Let's go!

-Um, right. -Yeah. I'm on my own.

Okay, look, I have an audition scene.

I want to rehearse so if we could get through this line fast.

Let me see what you got.

-Is that you? -Yes, it is.

Did they not have photography back then?

Hey! You again.

Did you want me to finish signing your shirt?

You know, I'm alright

with that. Uh…I just came to get my lucky pen back from you.

Sir, would you like an autograph?

Oh no. I have so many. They're actually very heavy in this tote.

Um that was given to me by Jason Momoa, the good Conan.

So, if you could just give it back, that is why I'm here.

Is that his pen?

No, it is not.

-You know Cash would return the pen. -Really?

Well, my name is Wray and this is my pen.

-No, it's not. -Yes, it is.

-No, it isn't. -Is.

-No, it's not. -Is too!

Sir, you're insinuating that Mr. Nerely is a liar,

a petty thief and an arrogant asshole.

Leave the line now!

Damn.

Next.

Hi!

I'm a hugger. Come on up here.

Sir, I need you to move.

I'm so sorry. I'll bring my Taser next time.

-Okay. -Next.

-Can you make it out to Kevin? -Okay.

Kevin.

There we go.

-Can you just hand it to me? -Yes, here you go.

Thank you very much. Next.

Can you write something for me?

I think I know what you want me to write.

I…will…

will…

see…

eee…

eee…you…

you…in…

Hell!

Your show helped me to

forget what happened to my village.

I burn it down.

Thank you. You are an angel

from the heaven.

Let's go.

Oh my God. That was amazing. You are a machine.

-Thank you. -You're a machine!

Thank you. I just…oh…oh…

A soft serve machine.

Remind me not to have any of those bourbon balls while I'm here.

Is that my script? That was in my pocket.

Yea, so was your wallet.

I needed to get some cash so I could make extra copies.

-It's Clint Eastwood! -Hush. Hush it down.

No one is supposed to know about this.

Well, I think Clint wouldn't mind if I rehearsed with you.

Okay. Hush. Hush, please. Keep your voice down. Shh.

-Shh. -I am a professional actress.

I have been in films, television,

plays, circuses, training videos,

commercials and snuff films. So, I think I can be trusted

-to run an audition with you. -Did you say snuff films?

Yes we botched the ending though.

-Okay, I will do this with you if you keep quiet. -Yes.

-Hush. Let's go. -Yes yes.

-Can I hold the script? -No. Okay.