Original subtitles

This is me.

Nice gaff. Posho.

Oh, no. My parents bought it in the '80s,

It was like a different time. We're not rich.

It's a joke. Oh.

I had a great time tonight. Me, too.

Can we do this again?

Maybe. Mm-hm.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

CAR DOOR SHUTS

MUSIC: 'Jackpot' by Sorcha Richardson

# Red light, break it If you want it

# I'm a good time I'll take you to the summit... #

I should probably... Yeah.

Yeah. SHE CLEARS THROAT

# I promise that you'll love it

# It's a thin line But everybody does it

# And that first night I saw you in the city

# By the church yard Knew that this would kill me... #

Definitely do this again. Definitely.

SHE MOANS, THEY BREATHE HEAVILY

# If it's a long game Then I know how to play it

# That's my first name... #

Do you want to come inside?

Oh, it's fine. Everyone's having sex in there.

HE CHUCKLES, MUSIC CUTS

Shiv... HE PANTS

I'm opening tomorrow.

Don't be so fucking boring.

I just... It's fine.

Shiv, just... stop, will you?

Sorry. I just think we should probably... you know.

Oh, yeah. No, course. Course.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Great night, though.

Totally. THEY CHUCKLE

HE CLEARS THROAT

How long were you seeing Shane before you...

What? Rode him.

It's what you meant.

Was it a couple of dates or... Minutes?

CUP THUDS

And, like... were you sure he wanted to?

Jesus, Shiv, I'm not rapey.

Yeah, no, I know. I just meant...

Is there an appropriate amount of time

you're supposed to wait before you...?

If you're with the right person, it doesn't matter.

I slept with Shane on our first date.

Yup!

Look at us now.

He climbs out your bedroom window every time he stays over.

He's not good with family, OK?

Shit! Fuck-off Finbar's up!

SHE GROANS Is he actually living here now?

Where was he living before?

Morning! ALL: Morning.

Oh, doing a clear-out?

Date night, and I've nothing to wear.

Really?

SHE SIGHS Well, nothing...

sexy, you know.

Oh.

Cos you have to make the effort.

What, to keep them interested?

How do you even know when they are?

Oh, I think you know. I'm exhausted!

SHE EXHALES LOUDLY

Well, I could come shopping. Help you look for something?

Not that I know anything about men.

No, it's all right, love. I'll find something.

Oh, Jesus, is that the time?

I'm gonna be late.

Morning. Morning.

That hedge could do with a trim.

I'll call the guy who did it last time.

Ah, no, no, no, no. I'll do it.

There's no point in spending good money.

Right.

Is there any news of Pam's trial? Have they set a date yet?

I can't talk now, Tom. I have a meeting.

Right.

SHE SIGHS It's what you're paid for, Bibi!

I'm sorry. I forgot.

What's going on?

We've no-one to teach the geriatrics.

The...? The over-60s evening class.

Shelley's on maternity. Again (!) Bibi forgot to get cover.

Well, she's always popping out babies.

How am I meant to keep up?

SHE TUTS AND SIGHS Shit!

It's life drawing class.

This is the only reason they even sign up!

I could cover.

You?

I have a degree in fine art.

Really? It was on my CV.

I can show you my portfolio, if you...

No. God, no-one wants to see that.

Are you free the next three Tuesday nights?

Yeah, yeah.

Fine. You can do it.

Really?

Oh, my God. Thanks, Dearbhla.

But remember, they don't like pronouns,

they will expect biscuits,

and thank fuck the model's already booked because it's the only...

This is the only bit of tit they have seen since 1996.

Hiya there.

HE GRUNTS

OK, all the best!

TYRES SCREECH, THUMP

Oh...

Is it a bit young?

It's fabulous! Look at those pins!

DOOR OPENS Ant.

Tell me the truth. Am I mutton dressed as lamb?

You're mutton dressed as something.

Don't mind Oedipus here. You look fab!

Finbar'll be jizzing in his little Y's.

Sorry, you are?

Oh, this is Billy. My sponsor. Slash stylist.

Queer eye to get Ma the ride, wha'?

OK... CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY

Are we going for lunch? Cos I only have the hour.

Oh... Billy's gonna join.

Cool.

Have we met before? You look kind of familiar.

Listen, honey, full disclosure.

When I was on the lash, I rode half of Dublin in full blackout.

Could've given you a suck, wouldn't have a fuck.

Gone are them days, wha'? HE CHUCKLES

Aw. Isn't he brilliant?

Here you go, cappuccino for the man. Thanks.

Thank you. How you feeling?

Er, good, yeah. Feel fine. Yeah. And how's the... the back?

I always had a bit of a twinge, you know.

Nothing to do with the...

It's only a little bump, you know. No big deal. I'm fine.

Looking forward to going back out there.

Listen, Tom. You've been here a while, right?

A good while, yeah.

I'll work till I'm dead.

But obviously, like, with this, er... accident...

It was a bump.

But we have to be careful cos... insurance.

All that jazz.

Davy said you'd a crash on the motorway, few years back.

What? No!

Oh... erm, my daughter was...

It-it... It was nothing.

Look, Tom.

You're old school.

And we respect that! We do.

Customers love you, you've got great relationships...

But, erm, this is a business.

We've got targets now, and you're... Slow.

Slower. And maybe not safe on the roads.

Nobody wants to retire. Well, except me.

At 40, when I'm a millionaire. You beat me to it!

HE CHUCKLES Yeah.

Obviously, we'll need the van back.

It was so weird, Karen. The way he just...

He made me feel like I'd... I'd crossed a line or something.

Maybe you did. What?

No. No. He was definitely about to come in, and then...

Your inner addict wanted instant gratification.

You have told him you're a drunk, right?

Well... I mean...

No. Not yet.

I thought we agreed! THUD

Radical honesty if you're gonna start dating.

It hasn't come up! He barely drinks himself.

Well, that's a bit fuckin' weird.

Well, he's always working late or, you know, opening early.

Which is a bit weird for...

Oh, my God, do you think he's married?

No.

Then he's just totally repulsed by me,

and now, he's texting me to finish it,

and I'm gonna be rejected, and I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew! I shouldn't have...

You're doing that thing again. 'What thing?'

'Letting another man unhinge ya.

'Are you there? Shiv?'

Jesus Christ.

'What? Is it a man?' I have to go.

LOUD THUDS Shiv?

Oi, Shiv, wait up!

Hey, what are you doing? Hi, Jack.

Do you know how long I've been trying to get hold of you?

I've been texting, calling... I changed my number.

Oh. I just thought you were back in London.

No. I didn't go back to...

I have to go. What?!

We've nothing to say to each other, Jack.

Wait.

You didn't change your number cos of me?

I, er, I... BABY STARTS CRYING

You should deal with that.

Hey! Hey...

Hey, it's OK. Hey, hey. It's OK. Look, whoa... Shiv?!

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

Oh, fuck!

It's like she's had a full frontal lobotomy.

You mean a frontal-lobe lobotomy? Like, you can't get five minutes

with her anymore without Fuck-off Finbar

or Billy blowing smoke up her arse.

Like, who even is Billy? She seems happy.

MOBILE VIBRATES

It's all her fault.

Hi, Shiv, you've broken Mum.

What? Would I... Would I have to be totally naked?

How much?

HE SNORTS See ya later.

Nah, anyway, can't, meeting Max's pals,

who only ever talk about law.

Sorry. Er, her model cancelled.

Maxie! Hi!

MAX GASPS

Heard you're on the O'Brien case. Can't wait to hear.

Yeah.

Right, I'm off.

All set?

Erm, Bibi... Thanks for doing this, Shiv,

cos if I fuck up one more time, Dearbhla's gonna fire me,

and I'm saving for a kitten.

No worries.

And think, if this goes well, maybe they'll give you more teaching

and you won't have to be a shitty receptionist forever.

Jesus, no.

Whoo-hoo, we're here!

Aunty Ag? Uncle Joe?

What are you... What are you doing here?

We've been coming to this class for two years.

You're not the only artist in this family, you know.

Where's Shelley?

I'm teaching tonight.

You? With your history?

What history?

We're supposed to be doing a life-drawing class tonight.

We've been looking forward to this all term.

It'd be a terrible shame if you were to disappoint us now,

the way you've disappointed your family your whole life.

Wouldn't it?

Well, it's a good thing I won't be disappointing you

because we are doing life-drawing tonight.

Where's the model?

DIALLING TONE

'Hiya, it's Karen. Leave a message.'

Shiv.

I need a massive favour.

So, what happened to the van?

Well... Oh, the engine, er, cut out when I was doing deliveries.

Had to get it towed.

But they'll get you a replacement? Yeah. Yeah.

Might have to wait a few weeks.

Jesus, you'll go crazy.

Yeah, I know. Ask Mum to borrow the car.

What? Ah, no. Why?

She doesn't need it, except for driving to fucking meetings.

No, I... I don't want to bother her.

Is that Rory?

Oh, yeah. Well, at least he's getting out of the house.

Who's that with him?

Probably just a running buddy from the track.

Right.

CAR HORN

Er, it's green, love.

CAR BEEPS It's green!

CAR BEEPS AGAIN Oh, right. Yeah.

OK. So, welcome to the class.

I'm Shiv, I'll be teaching.

This is Alex. He'll be... modelling.

If I'd known it was gonna be a bloke,

I would have watched the football.

ALEX CHUCKLES

If you just wanna... ALEX CLEARS THROAT

Oh. Ooh.

S... So, er, for this class, we won't get into too much detail.

We're simply looking at shape...

Very nice.

..and er, proportion.

Generous, I'd say. Very.

He's not a piece of meat, OK? Let's just show some respect!

Alex is a... friend of mine, and a person,

who has very kindly agreed to model for us,

so let's all just be mindful of making him feel comfortable,

and safe and not pressurised.

Let's just all respect his boundaries.

So, he's not a professional model? No. Not full time. No.

What do you do the rest of the time? I work in the restaurant sector.

Yes, he manages The Pony Cafe around the corner.

Owns. Owns? I own The Pony Cafe.

Oh! I didn't... I didn't know.

And the Longwood in Portobello.

Oh, I didn't realise you... I heard that's very good.

And The Lobster Pot in Stoneybatter. The Lobster Pot?!

Didn't that get a Michelin star? Yeah.

You own three restaurants. AUNTY AG: Very enterprising.

How well do you know this fella?

I had a lovely red snapper at the Longwood only a few weeks ago.

OK! OK, let's just get back to the...

Point here is to capture the important things.

Light and shade, cock position, perspective...

THEY CHUCKLE

Co... composition.

Just do your best, everyone, OK?

And I'll be here if anyone needs any help.

MAN: Think you're the one who needs it.

Well done, Shiv.

That's a well-stocked man you've found there.

Thanks, Uncle Joe.

I'm so sorry.

No, look, it's nice to have an appreciative audience.

And, let's face it,

you've been trying to take my clothes off since day one.

Er, speaking of trying to get your clothes off...

HE CHUCKLES

..did I do something last night to make you feel...

I just thought we were having a good time and...

We were having a good time.

Did you just not want to?

HE SIGHS

Can I make you dinner?

So, Ant, how's work? Good, yeah.

Really, really good. We're impressed you even have a job.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hm? He doesn't mean you.

It's just that Max's other boyfriends were...

What?

He loves a fixer-upper, put it that way.

A fixer-upper? He has this thing for broken birds.

You know, guys with no direction, or ambition or...

Cash. And Maxie's such a catch...

Mm. It's why it always goes tits up, you know?

They're never at his level.

Except for you!

God, yeah, you're like a total step up.

Right? Mm. Yep.

What's wrong with you? THEY LAUGH

MAX: Look who I met at the bar.

This is Mikail, he works at my gym.

Annie, Ryan, my boyfriend, Ant. MIKAIL: Nice to meet you.

I can't believe you own three restaurants...

HE CHUCKLES

What, did you think I was just some sexy barista?

Kind of, yeah.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Why didn't you tell me?

I kind of felt you were holding something back.

And I couldn't figure it out, so...

I guess I started holding back, too.

I dunno.

I'm sober. Like... Like, now?

As in, I-I used to drink. A lot.

I have a problem.

And I go to meetings and I have a sponsor,

and not drinking is basically the most important thing in my life.

Oh, and I've made some really fucked-up choices in relationships.

And even though I'm not drinking anymore,

I... I still feel that addicty part of me, you know,

just moving too fast or wanting instant gratification,

or being totally, totally inappropriate...

Shiv. ..which, if I was, by the way, the other night,

I'm... I'm really sorry. Look, I've... I've...

You know, I haven't dated anyone in, like, a really long time,

and no-one as nice as you.

And I just think it's... Shiv.

..very important that we're honest with each other.

So, if you're, like... If you've gone off me,

or if you're not really into this anymore, or if, like,

what I'm saying is, like, way too fuckin'... Shiv.

Mm-hm. I appreciate you telling me.

Oh.

And, look, I've my own baggage too, OK?

I mean, my family...

Nightmare.

Well, you've met my Aunty Ag, so... Yeah.

Think she liked me. Yeah.

My old lad's been in and out of jail a couple of times.

And, erm...

I've had some trust stuff in the past.

People that were close to me, letting me down. Mm.

I like you.

I like you, too.

And instead of just jumping into bed

and ripping each other's clothes off, which...

I do wanna do, by the way...

HE CHUCKLES

..I thought maybe we'd just get to know each other first,

and build something proper.

So long as that's something that you're interested in.

Oh, yeah. I'd be definitely... be... Yeah, I... Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

# Well, it was so easy Just to fall in love

# But it's a whole different story Just to stay in love

# Oh, was he tall And was he handsome

# Was he a breath of fresh air... #

Blowjob?

# Charming and enticing She could take you

# Out of here

# Cos you're young And you're full of joy in your steps

# And no-one's gonna tell you What's coming next... #

HE SIGHS

# Well, it was so easy... #

Well, look at you! # Just to fall in love

# But it's a whole different story Just to stay in love

# So come home, stay here Tell me what to do

# Oh, go home and stay there Would you tell me what to do?

# Oh, come home and stay here

# Tell me what to do

# Oh, go home and stay there

# Tell me what I should do... #

ALEX CHUCKLES

What about health and safety? Fuck it.

Still taking it slow?

Absolutely.

# That it feels like that

# Oh, if it's so easy

# I'll throw it back to you

# And if it's so easy, yeah

# I still don't know what to do

# Oh, it's so damn difficult To ask how you are

# It was so damn difficult To know who you were

# Are you fickle, are you bitter?

# Look for something knew

# Are you tired, are you sickened That you could not see it through? #

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