Original subtitles

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- 'How do I look, guys?' - 'Hot!'

'Thanks.

'Uh, hi. I'm Bobby, and I'm the guy who hates jokes

'but digs surfing and dogs and drive-ins...'

'Especially back seats.'

'Uh, I'm going to Greece as a foreign-exchange student

'and I just wanted to say so long to all my friends on campus.'

'You know me. I'm the Mick Schwartz.

'I'm the leader of this little anthropological expedition.

'Just kiddin', but the guys did ask me

'to make all the important decisions over there.'

'I graciously accepted because... I'm the only truly qualified leader.'

'Ready? It's OK? It's alright?

'Hi. I'm Les Sherwood and I live in Encino.

'Uh, I'm going to Greece with Bobby and Mick

'and I'm really looking forward to the experience.

'Um...

'I got my trusty computer here and it's all nicely programmed

'with all kinds of information on our host country.

'Uh, I'm also in charge of upholding an agreement that we made.

'Anybody who says a four-letter word has to pay the others $1 on the spot.'

'So, to all our buddies left back on campus, fuck you.'

You must have seen "Ben-Hur" lately.

He cab driver?

Welcome to Greece, guys.

Pardon me, we... We have a reservation.

Excuse me, do you speak English?

Of course he speaks English. Everybody in this country speaks English.

- English? - Yeah.

- Me? - Yeah.

No!

Uh...

Poly kala efharisto.

I love you, too.

Les, you do know how they separate the men from the boys here, don't you?

- How? - With a crowbar.

Alright, you guys. Half a day is all we got in Athens.

We'll send some snapshots home

and they'll think we're doing serious work while we're cruising the islands.

Let's do it.

Where the hell are we?

Lost, that's where.

Never fear, Les is here.

Gamo esena ki olo sou to soi?

Yes.

Yes.

- He didn't mean it. It's alright. - Hey, it's OK. It's OK.

What the hell did you say to him?

God, who messed with my computer?

What? I don't understand. Do you speak English?

No, no.

- A-acropolis. - Ah, acropolis.

- Is this the last one? - Yeah.

- You sure? - I'm sure.

OK, let's go.

Oh, my God! This is totally awesome.

I've gotta record my impressions of this place.

It's too much.

Hello!

- Oh, no! - Get us outta here, Ben. Fast!

I don't believe it!

That old guy dropped dead the minute he got near ya.

What did you do? Fart?

It's not funny, Mick. I think they killed him.

Why?

I don't know, but he was trying to tell me something when he died.

He spoke some weird language. It's on this tape.

it doesn't make sense.

You mean it's all Greek to you?

Very funny. No, it's not Greek.

It sounds similar but definitely not Greek.

Let Mick listen. If it's gibberish, he can translate.

Hey, no ethnic jokes, OK?

It must be Russian.

The KGB?

Yeah, it must be the KGB.

Come on. Why?

Who else would kill a guy for a crummy tape?

Thank you, Mr. Boswell.

OK, I talked to the cultural attachè.

He said if we suspect foul play,

it's better if we don't go to the embassy in case we've been followed.

Anyway, he gave me his address.

He said he spent two years in Moscow and he can translate Russian.

They're after me.

Please, take this tape.

Don't tell anyone.

No one must know...

...or the KGB will find out.

Your life will be in grave danger.

No matter what happens, you must never listen to this tape.

If anything happens to me, take the tape to...

- To... - Who?

Take the tape to who?

All I hear now is, "Oh, shit. He's hit. The guy is hit."

He said the magic word. You owe us a buck.

It doesn't count, I was under stress.

I mean,

it seems as though the old man bought the farm

before he got to the juicy part.

I guess whatever name he was trying to say must be on that other tape.

Yeah, the one he didn't give me.

He didn't?

No. I suppose he meant to, but I got freaked and started running.

Then these two guys in suits ran up to him and started looking through his pockets.

Well, I'm no wizard and I'm no secret agent,

but the thing seems to speak for itself.

Do you think it's KGB?

No, I think it's MTV.

Huh?

That's a joke, son.

Of course it's KGB.

Who else would kill a Russian for a tape?

That's what I told them, sir.

Well, the way I see it,

and remember I'm no wizard and I'm no secret agent,

I'm just a goddamn bullshit attachè one week from retirement,

some Russian secret was sneaked out of the country,

and the KGB found out.

Maybe some fellow named Ovidoff had something to do with it, maybe not.

But the KGB have been known to seal mouths

as well as to make them talk.

But then, there's nothing for you to be afraid of.

You guys don't have that other tape.

On the other hand, if you do have it...

...let me give you a little piece of crap, otherwise known as advise.

Don't screw around with these clowns.

They play for keeps.

You bring me that other tape

and I'll arrange for you boys to go home on a military plane.

Well, it's been a pleasure meeting with you, boys.

You have my number. Call.

If anything happens, if anything goes wrong,

if you see anything suspicious or if you happen to find that tape, call.

I wouldn't want you guys to meet with any ugly accidents

in such a pretty country.

If we do meet with any, it won't be the KGB

It'll be the CAB

What's a CAB?

A cab, dummy. Get it? CAB.

Sure. Real funny, Mick.

Boy, are you lame sometimes.

The man said, "No matter what happens, don't listen to the tape."

Ah, famous last words.

I don't think he knew they would kill him

before he gave you the name.

Why do we even care?

I mean, we came here to be foreign-exchange students, not spies.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You can just sit there like nothing happened and say,

"Well, a guy was just shot for this tape, but I'm just gonna go on with my plans

"because I'm here for the fun and the women."

- You can say that, Bobby? - Sort of, yeah.

What do you think is on that tape? Jane Fonda's workout?

Look, let's talk about some important things

like freedom, duty, country.

- I wasn't born here, Mick. - So what?

If the Russians want that tape this badly, they'll use it against our country.

That's bogus and totally fascist.

- Les? - Yeah?

Shut up.

OK.

So, I'm asking you, Bobby. What ideals did you grow up with?

What dreams?

Sports cars.

Insatiable blondes.

Come on, what's it gonna be, creep?

Your duty to your country, your duty to yourself as a free man,

your total and unselfish sacrifice

for the sake of probably millions of innocent people,

or just broads?

That's a tough one, Mick.

Come on, pal, what's it gonna be?

The broads.

Me too. Just checkin'.

- But what do we do with the tape? - Give it to Boswell.

Dump it in the ocean.

- Before we listen to it? - After we listen to it, nerdo.

Yeah, but what if it's dangerous and blows our minds?

Not to worry.

You don't have a mind.

OK, shoot.

Hey, guys?

Hey! Mick?

Hey, can you guys hear me?

'My dear friend and devoted colleague,

'by now, as you to listen to this tape,

'you must be as stunned as I was when I first came across

'the ultimate, most potent hallucinogenic discovery in history.

'It is, of course, nothing but a white modulated frequency.

'I have been working on this since we last met in Oslo.

'But I am now afraid that my experiments must come to a swift end.

'The other night I learned that my secret is no longer a secret.

'I found a man in my apartment.

'He was listening to the results of my discovery.

'As you know, my friend, I am a non-violent man.

'But the very thought of someone,

'anyone with the wrong intentions getting his hands on my invention,

'filled me with dread and panic.

'I killed the man.'

'I killed the man.'

'I killed him with my own hands.

'Yet it was unnecessary to become violent.

'I simply changed the modulation of the frequency,

'then boosted the volume.

'As much as I despise the KGB, I hated watching that man die.

'This tape demonstrates

'only the bear minimums of what my frequency is capable of doing.

'It stimulates the coalus rinatus,

'a relatively unknown area of the brain,

'and can create vivid hallucinations of religious magnitudes.

'And, coded in music,

'it can produce spectacular images directly into the mind.

'Unfortunately I learned too late

'that my invention can do more than bring joy.'

' Podnèbje can destroy the world.

'The frequency which is allowing you to experience all this, my dear friend,

'may be harmless in itself

'but, when joined with and modulated with a lower frequency,

'it is instantly transformed into a weapon of global proportions.

'These frequencies, for example, if combined and beamed through a satellite,

'could destroy the population of a large city in 30 seconds.

'I separated the two frequencies.

'I am sending this tape to you

'in the care of my loyal friend Yuri Kazanoff,

'who is sacrificing his family and home.

'I beg you to give him shelter and protection.

'The second tape was sent with another volunteer

'and surely must have been received by you already.

'This tape is quite harmless.

'Its counterpart is also safe by itself.

'Don't let them have this tool of destruction, my friend.

'Deny its existence

'and, if necessary, destroy it.'

Wow!

I can't believe it.

Yeah, how about that earthquake?

That wasn't an earthquake, it was a nuclear explosion.

No, it wasn't. I saw it!

So did I!

Are you guys blind or what?

It was a tidal wave, big as a friggin' mountain.

Wait a minute.

What?

We all saw different things, right?

This stuff must be like dope, never the same for different people.

Yeah...

Yeah, like it works on your subconscious.

I don't know about you guys but I'm scared.

Do you still wanna give the tape to Boswell?

No way.

You still wanna dump it in the ocean?

No.

Too good to waste. The only problem is we don't know where we're going.

Yes, we do.

See, when I first heard the Russian on that tape,

the only words that I could make out were Blair Flemming and Mykonos.

Before we went to see Boswell, I edited the tape,

so when he heard it, it seemed like

the old man got shot before he had a chance to tell me.

Now, I'm gonna erase the last remaining evidence.

Nobody but us will know.

Mwah!

Mykonos on our cruise schedule, genius?

Yep.

I've got this burning itch to talk with a certain Blair Flemming.

♪ I can hear your voice is calling me in the night

♪ As I'm walking down the street

♪ Must be only an illusion of some kind

♪ No one else around but me

♪ And no matter how I'm trying

♪ I can't get you off my mind

♪ Lost in the night... ♪

Forty-five minutes, you guys. No bus.

Let's take a cab.

- I don't wanna die young. - Don't be lame.

Not every cabbie in this country is insane.

But most of them must be.

You boys wanna have some fun?

Who wants to know?

Me, Sally.

And my friends over there.

What sort of fun?

- We'll miss the boat... - Quiet, Les.

Yeah, what sort of fun?

Lots of girls and you. Anything goes.

"Never on Sunday" type of fun.

But it is Sunday.

- Les, shut up. - OK.

How much?

First, we'll give you a free sample.

- Then we'll negotiate. - We'll take it.

Slow down, pal.

Don't you think it's fair to ask our opinion?

Sure. What do you think?

OK, you guys, over there.

Holy shit!

- Two bucks. - Come on, Bobby, what is it?

It's unbelievable. The biggest orgy I've ever seen.

You've never seen an orgy before.

Twenty bucks a head.

What does she mean by "a head"?

Twenty bucks a piece. How's that?

No clothes allowed in there.

Take 'em off, put 'em in your locker,

take the keys, and we'll meet you in the grand hall.

Walk straight ahead, you can't miss it.

Come on, guys, do it.

That is, unless you've changed your minds.

Alright, guys, let's go get 'em.

Jeez, you're already getting excited.

Cut it out, it's the tape.

Girls, we're ready.

Shit, it's a rip-off! Let's run.

- It was too easy, I'm tellin'... - One more word and you're dead.

It's not funny.

Going to a toga party, boys?

Mr. Boswell. We can explain this.

No need. I think I know already.

You were set up, boys.

- Why? - Obviously for that goddamn tape.

They searched your gear, found nothing, then dumped it.

You're lucky I was following you.

You mean they were KGB hookers?

Hookers? Come on.

No decent hooker would have left all your money in your clothes.

'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome on board the Oceanos.

'We'll be sailing in a few minutes

'and we hope that in the meantime

'you are going to enjoy the captain's welcome party

'now in progress on the main deck.'

It's always important to a guy to get laid his first night in a foreign country.

- It's gonna be a piece of cake. - I agree.

I'm gonna go crash.

That's not what he meant by "getting laid". You need a female to do that.

See? Take your pick.

They're all hungry.

How do you know?

Single women don't take cruises just to get seasick.

I don't care. After what happened, I don't wanna get laid.

- That's because you're a coward. - And a lowlife scumbag.

You know, your attitude annoys me,

but I'll attribute it to your collective unconscious

and I won't get mad at you this time.

- Good night. - Don't wet the bed.

I'm shooting for the mature and experienced.

They know all the tricks.

I'm easy. I can teach a few tricks myself.

Let's do it.

- Oh! - I'm sorry.

- Sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. - Sorry.

Hello, Sally.

Small world, huh?

You and me had a little arrangement, remember?

First, I want my money's worth, and then for you to walk the deck in your underwear.

Look, I can explain everything.

No need. Sex will do.

Let's have our little orgy right here, shall we?

Let's start with a kiss. I hate to get laid without a kiss.

I am not a hooker, you stupid asshole!

It was a setup.

My boyfriend and I split and he left me without a cent.

I needed the money to get on this goddamn boat. I...

When those girls offered me a job, I took it.

Am I supposed to believe this?

You'd better.

Look, they said that you guys were friends of their relatives,

that they were playing a joke, nobody was supposed to get hurt.

I didn't know that they were gonna steal your gear and give it to those guys.

Guys? What guys? Give me a break.

They were waiting in a car. It was dark, I couldn't see.

I just took my money and ran.

I'm sorry.

Alright, I tell you what.

You buy me a drink and we'll call it even.

Alright?

You buy me a drink and we'll call it even.

As I was saying,

the human exploitation theory has more than one specific form.

Don't challenge me, Bruce. I can give you strong debate on that issue.

But as you see,

there are certain aspects of human behavior which crave to be exploited.

Excuse me, but what is the nature of your conversation?

Existentialism in the forms of human exploitation.

Sounds trivial to me.

Does anybody wanna talk about Indiana Jones?

Now, what did he write?

Boy, are you lame!

This is not the children's deck, young man.

If you want to play, you may go to the deck below.

As a matter of fact, I would like to talk about Indiana Jones.

Shall we stroll, my dear?

Excuse me.

What do you know about collective unconscious?

Zip. What do you know about Indiana Jones?

Try me.

'And coded in music,

'it can produce spectacular images directly into the mind.'

♪ Fix me a drink

♪ Make it a strong one

♪ Hey, comrade, a drink

♪ Make it a long one

♪ My hands are shaking and my feet are numb

♪ My head is aching and the bar's going round

♪ And I'm so down

♪ In this foreign town

♪ Tonight there's a band

♪ it ain't such a bad one

♪ Play me a song, don't make it a sad one

♪ I can't even talk to these Russian girls

♪ The beer is lousy and the food is worse

♪ And it's so damn cold

♪ Yes, it's so damn cold

♪ I know it's hard to believe

♪ But I haven't been warm for a week

♪ Moonlight and vodka

♪ Takes me away

♪ Midnight in Moscow

♪ ls lunchtime in LA

♪ Ooh, play, boys, play

♪ Espionage is a serious business

♪ Well, I've had enough of this serious business

♪ That dancing girl is making eyes at me

♪ I'm sure she's working for the KGB

♪ In this paradise

♪ Ah, cold as ice

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Moonlight and vodka

♪ Takes me away

♪ Midnight in Moscow...

♪ ls lunchtime in LA

♪ Yes, in the good old USA ♪

Mick?

- Who are you? - Room service.

I didn't order anything.

How about a six-foot coffin?

Argh!

Oh, my God...

- Who is it? - Maid service, madam.

Just a minute.

Well, despite my relatively young age,

I'm a verified expert in a lot of different fields.

- That's interesting. - Thank you.

Take karate, for instance. I'm a master.

Got more belts than I can even count.

I can kill a man with my bare hands.

See this hand?

It's a deadly weapon.

These fingers were trained for thousands of hours,

driven in the hot sand, hard pebbles, sharp rocks,

even soaked 'em in pickle brine to make the skin as tough as leather.

Totally impervious to pain.

Nothing stops these hands once they're on a mission.

So... let's talk about you.

Well, I'm obviously older.

No belts, no trained fingers.

I make my living by solving people's problems.

I do a radio talk show.

People with problems call in and I help them on the air.

You're a radio shrink.

I have been called worse.

Sugar?

Please.

No spoon. I'll get one.

Oh, no need.

We've got the world's deadliest fingers right here. They can do the job.

This isn't uncomfortable, is it?

Nah. You kiddin'?

You really are tough.

Yep, that's me.

Except I do have to visit the little boys' room.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Sure.

Can I come in now?

I'm not decent.

Are you OK?

I'm sorry to disturb you. I have to make the bed now.

What are you doing?

I have to get the pillows.

Pillows? Pillows? I hate pillows.

Can't stand pillows.

I like to sleep flat. Good for the back.

Alright, I'll get the sheets then.

Sheets? Uh... no need.

Blankets are fine. Just blankets.

OK. I'll get them for you.

- They're in there too? - Oh, yes, sir.

- Uh... I'll get them for you. - I'll get them.

- No, I'll get them for you. - I'll get them.

- I'll get them for you. - OK!

Oh, hello.

Did your breath do this evil deed?

Look, I just wanna ask you one quick question, then I'm gone.

- Mick... - Don't interrupt, Einstein.

As I was trying to say, I'm having this very intellectual conversation

with a fine female of the species.

She mentioned something about astral projection and trans-channeling.

- You know what it means? - She's dead, Mick.

A little old, maybe, but definitely not dead.

I'm serious, Mick. And there's another body in the closet.

A nerd, yes, but a necrophiliac?

Shame, shame, Lester.

Are you insane? The maid is dead.

This guy is also dead.

DED?

Jeez, I leave you alone for 20 minutes and you wipe out two people.

I didn't do it. They were trying to kill me. Somebody shot this guy through the window.

And you came in and hit her on the head when she had her pin behind her.

She was gonna stab me.

Well, the way I see it,

if they're both dead they can't hurt anybody, right?

- Right. Now what? - Now I leave.

Go get Bobby. This is heavy.

Don't you guys think it's a bit much for one day?

I say it's too much.

I mean, a man is killed. OK, you can say accidents happen.

We get ripped off by hookers who aren't even hookers

and Boswell runs to the rescue.

Then two people die in our cabin.

This is too much.

It's not exactly what we had planned.

What do we do with them?

Call the captain.

Oh, yeah, that simple!

First thing in the morning he'll deliver us to the cops.

Why? We didn't do it.

Caeser's wife must not only be innocent, she must also appear innocent.

Follow me?

I think it's that friggin' tape. Let's give it to them.

We can't, guys.

Come again?

I threw it in the ocean a while ago.

You stupid asshole...

Ass is legal. I can say ass.

Why, Les? Why?

Why?

Don't worry. I saved it all.

How?

I digitally encoded the whole frequency into my tape.

Now what?

When we get to the island, I'll call home,

link the TRS up with my home computer,

and presto, everything goes into the memory bank.

That's brilliant.

Then the KGB will know that we don't have the tape...

...and they'll kill us.

What do we do with the stiffs?

We wait until everybody is asleep.

Then we dump 'em over the side.

In the meantime, we mingle with a lot of people.

Right, mingle.

Mingle. Mingle, mingle.

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, you're touching me now

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, around

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, you're stalking me now

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, oh, Lord...

- Dead people can't dance. - Huh?

- I said dead people can't dance. - So?

So, you look pretty alive to me. Wanna dance?

Oh! Uh, dance?

Uh... no, thanks. I'm not exactly in the mood.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun!

Besides, I'm not the type that takes no for an answer.

- You're not? - Uh-uh.

- Why me? - No other guys are available.

Not under 60 anyway!

Uh... gee, I'm sorry, but...

♪ Leaving all them behind...

I'd love to dance.

♪ Thinking about me

♪ And the times of my life

♪ In a second life... ♪

Well, it's... it's really been great talking Apple with you, Les.

I mean, I've always felt that AppleTalk sure beats the hell outta Commodore.

- I'm glad. - Me too.

Let's talk floppy disks tomorrow.

- Can I ask you something? - Another joke?

No, I'm serious. I was just wondering...

Why'd you spend time with me tonight?

I mean, I don't know that much about existentialism.

Well, maybe I've had a bit too much existentialism in my life

and not enough fun.

- You had fun? - Yeah, I did. Good night.

Aren't you gonna ask me in for a nightcap?

No. I think I've had enough excitement for one night.

Can we do it again sometime?

Positively.

I can handle rejection.

I've taken it before and I can take it now.

I'm a man. I don't have to put up with this.

I'm not gonna stand here and beg like some pathetic starving dog.

No way, pal.

Joanna, I'm still here.

The door is an incredibly uncomfortable place to sleep, Mick,

but if that's what you want, sweet dreams.

Good night.

So, you wanna play, right?

Who? Me?

You're on, Deadly Fingers.

I want you, and I want you now.

I want it to be rough and I want it to be quick, so take off your pants.

Hold it, I'm supposed to be doing this.

Not anymore, Deadly Fingers.

Women can have their share of the fun now too.

- You'd better be good. - No, wait!

I can explain.

Deliver now, explain later.

Go ahead, make my day.

Now I know just how heavy death really is.

Shut up and pull.

Excuse me, but is something wrong?

- I'm afraid so, ma'am. - No! I mean, no, ma'am.

Nothing's wrong, he's just kiddin'.

And I say there is something wrong.

As I was trying to say, we've got big problems.

We've been involved in a shootout. The KGB is after us.

Two of their people were killed in our cabin.

What we're trying to do now everyone's asleep

is drag these two stiffs on deck, dump 'em in the ocean.

Ooh, that's very funny, young man. Are you a comedian?

As a matter of fact I am.

You might have seen me in "Table For Five"?

I played the table.

Goddamn kids. Excuse me.

Submitted for your approval:

three jerks from another country, another dimension,

sailing into a sea of mystery,

carrying stiffs along the deck of a haunted ship.

They're about to enter the twilight zone.

Got a handful, huh?

Mr. Boswell. Now, that's what I call a surprise.

Well, actually, fellas,

I knew you'd be in the company of wolves on this little cruise,

so I decided to play guardian angel.

Are the comrades heavy?

Now, Mr. Boswell, how did you know?

Well, shit, son. The bullet that killed one of 'em had my name on it.

The other body is your work, I suppose.

So much for the cultural attachè crap, huh?

Listen, you guys hit the sack. I'll take care of the two comrades.

It's nasty business but somebody's got to do it.

But, Mr. Boswell, why don't we...?

We can't be seen on this ship together.

If they see us talking like this, I'm a dead man.

We'll meet when we get to the island.

I'll buy you breakfast. We'll talk then.

Don't worry,

I'll make contact with you.

Now, get going.

So, no tape?

That's a shame alright.

At least we can enjoy our vacation now.

That's what I call optimism.

You think they're still gonna try to kill us?

Kill you? Nah!

A little mutilation maybe, that's all.

At least until they discover the tape's gone.

Then they'll probably get angry.

So, what do we do?

Play it by ear.

If you still have an ear left.

OK, I did it. We're all set.

Are you sure?

Piece of cake.

Uh-oh...

This is serious.

We want to have a little talk with you.

It's alright, guys, I can handle it.

You better listen and listen good.

I'm a black belt. My hands are trained weapons.

I don't wanna hurt you guys, OK?

Come on, Mick, they're gonna hurt us real bad.

So, why don't you just turn around and start walking

before I get real mad?

Show me how mad you can get, you little prick.

Oh, he said prick. Make him pay us a buck.

I'm warning you, I'm death on two feet.

Leave before I hurt you,

because when I hurt someone, it's major damage.

You got something that we want and we want it now.

For the last time, I'm warning you.

Don't make me use force.

You're playing with live ammo here.

Horseshit.

OK.

- Unbelievable. - Fantastic.

Don't exaggerate guys. Piece of cake.

♪ Walking down the street

♪ Leaving all of them behind

♪ Thinking about me

♪ And the times of my life

♪ I can't see her face

♪ I can't see her eyes

♪ But I can feel your breath

♪ I can paint your smile

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, you're touching me now

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, around

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, you're stalking me now

♪ Sandrina, Sandrina, oh, Lord ♪

Hey, you wanna hear what I figured out?

No, but you're gonna tell us anyway, so go ahead.

Well, the tape can no longer be stolen, lost, or destroyed, right?

Right, you saved New York. So?

So, since the frequency can be encoded on a song,

and since it can't be decoded, copied or analyzed,

once it's hidden in the music...

You didn't.

Yep, made a whole tape full of far-out stuff.

♪ If you think so much of him

♪ Why don't you run back to him?

♪ When I hear you call his name

♪ Just doesn't feel the same

♪ if you need more than I can give

♪ if you need something I can't deliver

♪ Just go now before it's too late

♪ Please don't hesitate

♪ Had my chance, I couldn't see it

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, emotional refugee ♪

♪ I see your signs

♪ In this modern world

♪ I feel out of time

♪ Understood in retrospect

♪ In real time

♪ And you know I feel alright

♪ Baby

♪ So take what's mine

♪ Go and feel it

♪ Feel my strength entwined

♪ Real time

♪ You know I feel alright

♪ Make love

♪ So take what's mine

♪ Go and feel it

- ♪ Feel my strength entwined - ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ In real time I get to feel our love

♪ Entwine your love with mine

♪ In real time I get to feel our love

♪ Entwine your love with mine

♪ In real time

♪ You know I feel alright

♪ This is real

♪ So take what's mine

♪ Go and feel it

♪ Feel it, feel it ♪

Hey, something really strange is going on here.

You can now give me an orgasm without even touching me.

Yeah. I've been told that before.

How'd you like the little show?

You stole my tape.

Wrong, mon capitaine.

In the first place, it's not your tape, it's ours.

In the second place, I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it.

My TRS is gone, missing.

Gone.

My whole life is gone.

Jeez, what am I gonna do now?

I'm wiped out.

Devastated.

I understand how you must feel.

Your computer was your friend,

the one friend who never talked back, never argued,

never said anything you didn't wanna hear,

always listened to whatever you had to say.

Are you into psychology or something?

No, I'm into computers and nerds.

When we get on shore, you and I...

are going to take a long walk on the beach.

What do you mean, you're not sure about yourself?

You know...

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

There's nothing at all wrong with you.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I mean...

I always had doubts about my...

You know, the way I am.

What way is that?

I don't know, it's...

It's just that sometimes I think that maybe I'm...

-...gay or something. - Never in a million years.

How do you know?

I've been around.

If there's one thing you're definitely not, it's gay.

You're as straight as they come.

Look, I'm gonna tell you something, but...

you gotta promise not to laugh, OK?

Promise.

I've never slept with a girl before.

There's always a first time, Lester.

♪ Did you say I couldn't make a comeback

♪ Did you say it's too bad I had to lose track...

How do you feel?

Like Frankenstein.

But I like it.

♪ 'Cause I'd been training through long, hard rainfall

♪ I knew for sure I hadn't danced my last one

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ It's like, come on I'm breaking free

♪ What can you say or offer me

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ Feel the wings of victory... ♪

Hi, Steph. Seen Les?

Haven't you?

No. You know where he is?

Maybe.

Lester?

Les Sherwood?

What hit you?

Hurricane Stephanie.

This is unbelievable.

Like the change, huh?

It sucks.

What are you talking about?

You look awful.

You look like two zillion other blond zombies from Malibu.

What happened to your distinctive personality,

your sophisticated outlook,

your own special Lester charisma?

Listen, jerk, I've just about had it with all your abuse.

I'm not gonna take it anymore, you got it?

Sure, Les, that's cool.

Sorry, Mick.

Guess I'm not very good at this sort of stuff.

Good? You were great!

That's the only thing to deal with an asshole like me.

Here's a buck for the word.

'The volcanic island of Santorini

'offers our passengers a unique means of transportation:

'a picturesque donkey ride all the way to the top,

'where the view is really marvelous.

'Have a pleasant excursion.'

Alright!

Let's go.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful up here.

It's so peaceful and quiet.

Hey, you hear that?

Yeah.

Hey, I didn't know that they can bring people up here in choppers too.

They don't.

- I think I pissed my pants. - Is everybody OK?

What the hell happened up here?

A chopper was trying to run us down. They were shooting at us too.

You seem alright.

Yeah, they're lousy shots, Mr. Boswell. Must definitely be Russian.

Alright, everybody take cover.

Move it, move it!

Move it, damn it!

Do an old man a favor, kid.

Get outta here f-fast.

They'll be back.

We can't leave you here.

You're sitting ducks.

Get out.

The police don't get involved.

He needs to get to a hospital.

Horseshit. I'm dying.

No hospital.

Don't give 'em the tape.

No matter what.

Take it where it belongs.

Oh, God...

Now this is getting real serious.

We can't leave him.

He's dead. There's nothing we can do for him.

Let's get outta here.

- We had to take a vote. - And?

Well, we decided two against one that we believe your story

and we're gonna stick with you.

Who voted against?

- Do you really wanna know? - Yeah.

It was Stephanie.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. I understand.

I'll see you on the ship, OK?

A gun?

I'm afraid I really did create Frankenstein's monster.

What are you talking about?

You.

What's happened to you? You used to solve problems with your mind.

Well, that was before a bunch of creeps came along

and screwed up an ordinary guy's dream vacation.

I'm not taking it anymore.

Oh, and you think this is the way to handle it?

Yes. Things have changed.

Open your eyes, Les.

Think.

Don't react like some hyper four-year-old in a candy store.

Now's the time to use that genius brain of yours.

Something's going on here and you haven't put your finger on it yet.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you should do what Luke Skywalker did.

- Who? - Luke Skywalker.

Use your mind, Les.

Your mind.

What's wrong with him?

I think he liked the old man.

I think it's because he's never seen anybody die before.

Mm...

Ladies and gentlemen...

I suddenly see everything.

Whoo!

I am the miracle man.

I can tell the future.

Hi, sweetie.

Thanks for the memories.

Last night at the beach was just really wonderful.

And you know what she told me, Mick, huh?

She said...

She said, "You are 100% male."

She did! Honest to God, that's what she said.

I'm losing my appetite.

Oh!

Stay for dessert, my dear.

We'll have Mick for dessert.

Or at least you will.

Come on, Les, shut up.

Ow, that tickles! Ow!

Look, they're coming to take me away. Oh, my! They're coming to take me away.

OK, it's clear.

That was terrific, Les, but are you sure about all this?

Positive. I don't know enough yet but I'm working on it.

- What time is it? - A little after midnight.

Alright. Mick, connect with Joanna. Bobby, stay with Sally.

I'll handle the rest.

'...the tour will start

'as soon as we are safely docked.

'Before going ashore, please make sure

'you have your landing tags and your shore-excursion tickets.

'Buses are waiting at the end of the pier.

'Bus number four is for English-speaking passengers.

'We remind you that all passengers must...'

- Alright, what about this? - Eat your hearts out.

'♪ It's raining, it's pouring

'♪ My love life is boring...

'The mic is on?'

Hey, girls! Slow down.

I want to talk to you.

Listen... you like some fun?

What kind of fun?

Well, I have got a boat in the harbor, a real big one.

You could go swimming?

Skinny-dipping, huh?

Anything.

You like hand jobs?

Absolutely.

Take one more step, and you'll get the biggest one of your life.

Oh, God. Don't shoot, please.

Don't follow us. Got it?

I'm becoming a fucking feminist.

OK, OK, I owe you a buck. Put it on my tab.

What's wrong, Stephanie?

I don't feel too well. I think I'm gonna go lie down for a while.

Do you want us to wait for you?

No, it's a small island. I'll catch up with you later.

Excuse me, do you know where Professor Blair Flemming lives?

You go straight up here and make a right.

Thank you.

What do you want?

Does Professor Blair Flemming live here?

I have to see him.

- Who are you? - Lester Sherwood, a friend.

- Is he in? - No.

Please, it's very important that I talk to him soon.

Wait here.

Go to the Manto. Wait there.

Wait, hold on. What's the Manto?

Terrific.

Whoa!

Remember Butch and Sundance?

Go for the horses.

Ow!

It's Miller time.

Good morning.

Bonjour.

Parlez-vous français?

Oh, shit.

As if I didn't have enough on my mind, here comes Pepè Le Pew.

What you said sounds French? Are you amèricain?

Yes.

I think you wanted to talk to me, Lester.

Who are you?

I'm Blair Flemming. You came to see my father, didn't you?

Jesus! Yes, I did. I've gotta talk to him.

You can't, Lester. He died two months ago.

- But I thought... - I know.

News travels slow in the Soviet Union. Ovidoff didn't know.

So you already...?

Yes. You have something for me, don't you?

I did. Not anymore.

- KGB? - And the CIA.

The whole world.

I had to put it in a safe place.

There isn't any safe place for what you have, Lester.

I heard the second tape.

I understand a lot of this.

My father always let me in on his secrets.

He was a pacifist, an idealist. So was Ovidoff.

Unfortunately, when men like them die, they are not replaced.

What about you?

I'm not sure.

Death scares me and the thought of pain makes me sweat.

I don't know what I'd do if I had both tapes.

You'd hold the world in your hands.

I don't like this world much. Why hold on to it?

This whole island is crawling with strange people.

I can't tell the good guys from the bad anymore.

Any ideas?

As long as you have the one tape and I have the other,

I see no grave danger.

Why don't we keep it that way for a while?

You need any help?

All I can get. You drive?

Like Bobby Allison.

By the way, my name's Linda.

Where's Stephanie?

"We need to talk. I've got Stephanie, you've got something I want.

"Let's trade."

- Like you figured? - Yeah.

He wants to meet us at the old mine, two miles north of Psarou.

- Stephanie? - He says

to empty your pockets and move slowly or he'll shoot.

OK, we don't have any weapons. We'll do whatever he wants.

He says to raise your hands over your head.

You can come out now, Mr. Boswell.

Good guess, kid.

It wasn't a guess.

I suppose this is where the bad guy tells the good guys why he did it, right?

Wrong.

The good guys already know.

The KGB was never involved in this thing.

Even the man that Ovidoff killed in Moscow,

he wasn't KGB, he was CIA.

Bravo, kid. I'd clap but my hands are sort of full.

Those guys who killed Yuri?

They were CIA too.

You're getting warm.

No, I'll rephrase that. You're sizzling. Go on.

You left too many clues, Mr. Boswell.

Kids see a lot of spy movies.

If the plot sucks, they know real fast.

You figured it all out.

That's gratifying.

After all, you're nice kids.

I like you.

You're a likeable guy yourself.

You never really killed anybody.

Those stiffs on the boat were all makeup and fake blood.

I admit, I do have a flare for theatrics

that must have scared the shit out of you a couple of times.

But I hope you understand I was only trying to get both tapes without hurting anybody.

You stole Les's computer to pressure us into breaking.

That's why he got closer to Stephanie.

And you even staged your own death

to pressure us into giving you the cassette,

the only way you could get both tapes.

- Excellent. - The death stunt was too heavy.

We reversed the roles.

Les put the pressure on Stephanie

and followed her to John Tunnoff's cabin

when she told your head honcho she wanted out.

Oh, yeah. My own trigger-happy John Tunnoff.

What an asshole!

Look, I'll make a long story short, kid.

I'm too old a whore to believe that sex is fun.

I worked for the government all my life.

I've been shipped to some of the shittiest hellholes in the world.

I've shot some people.

Some of them have shot me.

I had one stinking week to go before retirement

when I got this last assignment.

It was a chance for a solid bonus

if I could convince the agency that we screwed up and lost the tape.

What the hell.

I could have sold the damn thing for big money.

Trust me, I still can.

Anybody else in your business would have used a lot of violence.

Why didn't you?

Let's just say that I'm a sucker for cute faces, kids.

Better yet,

let's say that killing a Russian makes you a hero with the agency,

but three dead American kids draw a lot of unnecessary attention.

Let's make this pleasant.

- Where is Podnèbje? - What?

It's Russian for sky-high.

Where is it?

Where it belongs.

With Professor Blair Flemming.

Nice work, kid.

Now all I need is the one missing detail

and you can have Stephanie and I can have the rest of the day off.

Ta-da. The envelope, please.

Alright.

It's the house by the windmills, the one with the green shutters.

Take it easy, boys.

Just play it smart, as you have so far,

and nobody will get hurt.

Sorry I have to take the car,

but ten miles on foot in this heat

would kill me.

Don't look so grim. Ça ç'est la vie.

Sorry, no more room.

You think it's gonna work, genius?

it worked before when I zapped Boswell's men.

The cassette inside the tape deck is already running.

The frequency will hit Boswell in... 30 seconds.

Twenty, 19, 18, 17...

...four, three, two, one, zero.

♪ I won't let you go

♪ it doesn't matter what you do

♪ I just need to have you by my side...

It worked!

Mr. Boswell is about to retire permanently.

With him the world's greatest invention will also retire.

- Yeah, what's left of it. - What do you mean?

Linda helped me make a phone call to my home computer.

I erased all the information of the frequency.

♪ Love me like I do

♪ You can love me too

♪ Falling, falling for your love

♪ Love me like I do

♪ You can love me too

♪ Falling, falling for your love

♪ Love me like I do

♪ You can love me too

♪ Falling, falling for your love ♪

So long!

Picture this: a certain Mr. Boswell one week before retirement

gripping the wheel of an automobile,

careering off course into the twilight zone.

Would you mind if I decided to stick around for a little while?

How little?

Oh, not long.

A year, maybe.

I'm gonna be real busy, you know.

I know. I promise to behave.

No sexual demands.

As long as it's not more than three times a day.

Don't start cutting down on me already.

Your friend has a problem?

Mick? Nah.

He can handle it.

I'm not gonna cry, you know.

Of course not. It would be bad for your image.

Am I gonna see you again?

- No. - Why not?

Because you'll be in this dreadful place for another year,

and when you come back, you'll be too old for me.

Be serious.

I've got a husband who I love and a kid your age.

Three years old?

Three and a half.

Bye, kiddo.

Thanks for the education.

Stay insane.

- What? - Stay insane!

Hey, you didn't even talk about it with her, Les?

She wouldn't talk about it.

She said there's nothing to say and just got on the ship.

Well, you can't replace a warm female with a cold silicone chip.

Yeah, I know.

What the hell.

Once I quit, I figured I might as well quit for good.

♪ Did you say I couldn't make a comeback

♪ Did you say it's too bad I had to lose track

♪ I bet you bet you won't come back this time

♪ 'Cause I'd been training through the long, hard rainfall

♪ I knew for sure I haven't danced the last one

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ It's like, come on I'm breaking free

♪ What can you say or offer me

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ Did you say I couldn't go the distance

♪ That silver dreams would never stand resistance

♪ When all your words were washed away like sand

♪ And I won't deal with yesterday's confusion

♪ I'll leave you with your last illusion

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ It's like, come on I'm breaking free

♪ What can you say or offer me

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ Feel the wings of victory

♪ Funny the way that you can win the run

♪ Funny that when it's right the spirit cries, "Take her back"

♪ And puts you on a course already won

♪ Oh-oh ♪