Original subtitles

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

It's Chri-i-i-i-stmas!

What are you talking about? It's Halloween!

Well, nearly Christmas.

Only 55 more sleeps.

Ha! How long has it been now?

What? Oh, four hours 33.

One more minute since the last time you asked, Kitty!

I should be there. Curse these infernal boundaries!

Er... What happening?

They left in the night, Robin. Alison...

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Um, hi, everyone.

This feels weird. Can you hear me?

Of course you can, I just can't hear you. For goodness' sake!

Spit it out, man! Go on! Shhh, I can't hear him!

Anyway, Alison asked me to call,

just to say it's all good,

mum and baby are doing well. Ahh! And...

It's a girl!

Here we are, Mia, this is where we live.

Mia! Mia! Hello, Mia!

Mia? I thought she was called Bumpy? Bumpy Cooper?

Alison? Alison?

Oh, SHE's here.

Hi, Betty.

You get your feet up, Alison,

and I'll go and make us all a cup of tea.

And get that heating on, Mike, warm up this old place. Yes, Mum.

Thank you so much!

This is really kind, you don't have to stay.

Nonsense! Just a few days until you get into the swing of things.

Right, I've sterilised all the bottles in the...

Where are you off to?

Just for a little walk. Just for a stroll around the grounds.

Oh, I'll come too! You don't have to...

It's mild out, make sure she doesn't overheat.

It's cold out, make sure Mia has a hat on!

Shh, it's OK!

# Jingle bells, this girl smells

♪ Cos Mia's done a poo! ♪ Haven't you?

It's fascinating to see a father so involved.

Yes!

I changed a nappy once.

Never again.

Oh, come along, it can't be that bad... Oh! Whoa! Hold!

Hold! Ohh!

How did all of that... come out of that?

It's extraordinary.

I won't pretend I don't have regrets about my life,

but this is not one of them, sir!

Accacha poo, eechappee-chappee-poo,

choo-ee-chappee-choo.

Patrick, what on earth are you doing?

Oh, it's babytalk.

Yeah, they love it, they find it very soothing.

I mean, you've got to make the most of it.

Mary always said they stop seeing us once they can walk.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, don't...

She's probably hungry. I'll feed her. Cool. Everybody out!

Urgh! Come along! Chop-chop!

Hmm.

Something the matter, Robin?

I dunno. I just don't feel... Christmassy, you know?

You always called it a fad.

That was before.

Since Alison come, it been my favourite time of year.

Well, it's not Christmas Day yet, so... No, but...

..I normally feel Christmassy by now.

Well, there aren't as many decorations

because they're busy with Mia. Yeah.

Hmm.

Morning, Thomas. Good day, Alison.

Given the situation with the baby,

it's only understandable

that preparations would be compromised this year.

We must make do with the decorations we have.

What was that about decorations?

Was that what? Robin wants more.

Robin want more.

Well, I'll ask Mike to put some more up. What's that?

No, just... I was thinking out loud

that I think that I should ask Mike to put up more decorations.

Could do.

Ohhh... I just fed you! She needs winding.

Hardly surprising with all that foreign food you eat, Alison.

Come here, I'll take her.

It all gets passed on, you know.

You mark my words, you need simple foods

like potatoes, bread, fish.

Good, fishy milk for her brain, you see? Here we go.

Well, that'll never work. Slap her on the back, woman!

Oh. Oh. There she blows.

Good girl! Aww!

Urgh!

What on earth has come over you, Kitty?

Well, you all loved it when she did it!

I'll just... I'll go and get the decorations.

Yes, yes, yes...

Are you OK, Thomas? Pleeease. You have to stop!

You have a baby now, Alison.

We cannot carry on as if nothing has happened. But-

Everything has changed, Alison.

We must contain ourselves.

If not for Michael,

for the wee bairn.

OK.

Think of the child, Alison!

There you are, Alison! It's so nice to get a moment to...

Hi. Thank you. Yes!

What's that? Mike's present.

I got him these rare trainers that he wanted.

I don't think those will fit him.

I got a child's ten.

Anyway, I was thinking we could...

Kitty, I'm really sorry, I've just...

I'm gonna have to sort this out.

Arghh!

Whoa! God, I need a coffee.

Hang on, am I allowed another one?

Well, it does affect the breast milk.

This is why you need a wet nurse, Alison.

You could eat and drink what you like.

You've gone and made yourself a human dairy farm.

OK, well, I think that maybe I'll have a herbal, then, instead.

Good girl.

Where are the teabags?

I moved them to the dresser.

Closer to the spoons.

Well, I mean they were... they were closer to the kettle,

but no, yeah, no, that makes sense.

I'll have a bigger sort-out another day. Hm-hmm.

Dad must be missing you.

Oh, he's probably glad I'm not there to nag him.

I know he'll miss his mince pies.

Are you gonna give him some? That batch?

Whilst they're fresh?

I'm here as long as you need me.

Yeah. Yeah, about that...

And somebody needs their nap.

Yeah, I am tired.

Oh, you mean Mia.

I've got it, I've got it.

I've got her.

Yes, yes, you're sleepy.

Are you gorgeous? Yes.

Yes, you're gorgeous.

Mummy loves you.

Yeah! Yeah.

All right, that's all right. That's OK. Come here. Yeah.

There we go.

Oh! Oh, yes, isn't that lovely!

Huh? Huh?

Now you feel Christmassy?

Nope.

What's missing, Robin?

How you mean?

We need to work out what puts you in the Christmas mood.

It's different for everyone, you see.

For me, it was always the smell of the mulled wine.

Oh, dear, Mia's awake.

She's cooing away at something. Hmmm.

Prepping the pud-pud with Mumsy. Stir-up Sunday.

It was never really Christmas for me until the office party,

or rather the after-party, when a few of us would go upstairs

and have a jolly good...

Orjee-borgee-jobby-jobby! Ajobby-jobby-joo-joo.

You try. Huh? Well, I...

OK.

Dabbah dabbah dabbah, dabbah dabbah dah...

What? No! It's got to be more melodic, you know,

like acccha-poo-choo, poo-choo-gaga-gee!

Right.

Daba-daba-daba, dee-daba-daba...

What are you doing? What? Ah... No, it was Patrick.

I... I just put her down,

and you're exciting her when she needs her sleep.

Yeah, no, we should go. Erm...

No, it's too late now, she's... she's wide awake. Ah!

Oh, but she's irresistible.

Aren't you? Yes, you are!

Yes, you are, ugga-cubba-jubba-ji-wa-jah!

Is that nice?

She's ironed all my tracksuits - again!

Look, I'm really grateful that she stayed to help, OK?

I really am, but... You can say it.

She's driving me mad. Hm!

It's not just the baby, it's like she's taking over.

I mean she's moving stuff in the kitchen,

she's changed the settings on the thermostat.

Really, if you don't say something, I will - because she can't swim.

What? She can't start swimming yet. Hiya.

I called the pool and they said, like,

she has to be three months at least, so...

She's already a water-baby, aren't you, my darling?

Yes! A guji-koo-koo, a-guji-koo-kooooh!

Hey, that's not bad. Yeah, that's first class. Mum, erm...

Before you start, Mike,

I've just been on the phone with your dad and you were right.

Looks like he needs me to come home. Oh?

Oh. I'm really sorry.

I know it's scary, but I've been here for what, six weeks?

Seven.

And he's missing me. He's probably living on takeaways. Oh, gosh.

Well, we're going to miss you too. Yeah!

Maybe I should ask him to come here instead? No!

Definitely don't. We'll manage.

We'll manage! No, no need for that.

That's... Who's going to feed the cats, Mum?

We'll manage. We will.

I'm going to miss you, little one. Yes.

Argh.

Everything all right, Alison?

Oh, erm, I just...

I ordered Mike these trainers that he really wanted for Christmas

and they were the wrong size and now everywhere's sold out, so...

Oh, that's all right, I got him those.

Oh, great.

150 yards, a seven iron, I think, yeah!

Julian! I need you!

She's left the blanket off, look!

The poor child will freeze. All right, all right, all right.

Haunted?

Mum, it's... it's... Well...

The truth is... erm...

The truth is...that it's a creaky old house

and, yeah, if you're not used to it,

it can feel a little creepy, especially at night.

But...there aren't any ghosts.

Well, there are.

I saw a figure in a dress, on the monitor.

And the blanket moved itself.

Please, Mum, don't worry, it's fine.

I know what I saw. I'll...

I'll stay up there with her. I'm going to bed anyway.

Well, I ain't going anywhere.

I'm not leaving my granddaughter in this haunted house.

I'm going to unpack.

Evening, everybody.

What's up, guys?

What?

We just need to convince her there aren't any ghosts.

But there are.

But she doesn't know that. She does.

No, but...that could have been anything.

You want to gaslight my mum?

Yeah, I want to gaslight your mum.

I'm almost surprised you'd never seen it before,

it happens all the time. Look, if you just keep watching...

See! You probably saw it flicker in your peripheral vision

and it looked like something moving. Hmm.

It doesn't explain the blanket, though.

No, no, no, no, no. Step no further.

Alison was very clear. She doesn't want to see Fanny on camera.

What? Operation Bye Bye, Betty. Well, why aren't we involved?

Well, she only needed the, um...

Ghosts with skills, yeah, rub it in.

And you can stop right there, Thorne!

You leave Alison alone, she's very busy.

Good for her, it's no business of mine.

What? I'm no home-wrecker.

It's over between me and Alison, I've moved on.

Oh, really?

What, to someone new? Yes! Who?

And I'll tell you who.

A certain Ms Jennifer Aniston.

Rachel from Friends? And so much more.

Jen is an artist, an icon

and a powerful businesswoman,

so, yes, I think I do love her, thank you very much.

So, erm, so I'm thinking that the breeze just blew in...

The window was closed, Alison. No, but... Well...

The draft can still get in because it's the old window frames.

Like, we can't afford to replace them,

so the wind still gets in.

There, you see?

Waaaa!

Wooowaaa!

Hmm.

There you are. Huh?

Feeling Christmassy yet?

No. Great! Because I've got an idea.

Music.

That's what always gives me a Christmas tingle.

McCartney, Wizzard, Bing for the nanas.

Bring your bananas?

Christmas hits! You must have a favourite?

It's an old house.

Dodgy electrics.

Draughty windows. But...

You don't need to worry about Mia, Mum. We're all good.

Oh, good lord!

That...is the stereo.

Erm, I put the stereo on a timer when we go out

so it sounds like we're in.

But you've not gone out since Mia was born. Yeah, I...

I was cleaning there earlier, and I must have turned the dial.

Silly Daddy!

♪ So here it is... ♪

Huh? Huh?

Yeah, I like the song.

And I love the dance.

I just don't feel very...

Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down!

Oh, yeah. Down!

I should turn that off, because it's set to last an hour.

Or was it? Hmm.

I can tell when you're lying, Michael. I'm not lying.

Sorry, Alison.

What they said.

Betty, if it was a... poltergeist or whatever,

you'd think it would do worse than playing with the stereo.

Well, maybe that's how it starts.

OK, well, look. OK...

If there is something in this room...

..give us a sign.

See? There's...

There's nothing... Oh!

Oh, my God!

I was putting the decorations up yesterday,

and I must have not put it on the hook properly! Mum!

Was that a ghost? No, that was you.

Mum!

So that went well.

How are we gonna convince... I don't know.

I'm too tired to even think.

Can I just sleep? Of course, yeah.

Yes!

Betty? Thank you for coming so quickly, Reverend.

Well, I was heading out anyway

to get the nativity display out of storage

and you sounded rather distraught,

so I didn't want to leave you in a state. Come in.

I must say, it's a most unusual request.

I've never been asked before. But you can do it?

Well, yes, it is a thing.

It's just, certainly no one I know has ever been asked...

Father?

Good evening, Michael.

What are you doing here?

He's here to perform an exorcism.

Huh? Oh! Great.

I'll just get my prayer book.

Ghosts! If you can hear me,

there's a vicar here to do an exorcism.

Get out! I know you can't leave, but...

I don't know! Ghosts! Are you there?

Home-raised chicken and plenty of good British veg...

Betty's brought the pastor.

Pasta? Well, that's not very Christmassy.

No, no, no, the reverend! The vicar!

He's here to perform an exorcism!

My goodness, what will we do?

Maybe it's all right.

It's demons that they're after, isn't it?

You know, evil spirits who do harm to the living.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Yeah, maybe we should...

Let's get out of here! Quick! Come on!

Wait! Where's Humphrey? Oh!

The other bit!

If there are any spirits here in this house, do not hide,

we call on you to hear God's word.

Humphrey! Humphrey! Humphrey!

Guys, down here!

There! Quick! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Come on. Quickly, Thomas! Oh, thank goodness.

Visit, Lord, we pray, this place,

and drive far from it the snares of the enemy...

Alison! Alison!

What? Is it Mia? No, she's fine.

It's Mum, she's brought the vicar round.

What? Why? He's doing an exorcism. What?

It can't work, can it?

I don't know.

Because you have made the Lord your refuge,

there shall no evil happen to you,

for he shall give his angels charge over you.

There shall no evil happen to you,

for he shall give his angels charge over you.

There shall no evil happen to you...

..for he shall give his angels charge over you.

Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

There's nothing to worry about now, Alison.

The house is clean.

Thank you, Reverend.

Well, there's a first time for everything, eh?

Alison?

Has he gone?

Honestly, I'm just pleased you're reassured.

I can't thank you enough, Reverend.

God bless and Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you too!

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Wow! That's magical.

Now you feel Christmassy?

No.

Happy now? Yes. Shall I help you pack?

Well, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer,

just to make sure that it worked. Mum!

He said himself that he'd never done it before, so... Betty, Betty!

Can I say something?

We need to be on our own now.

You've been so generous, and we've...

..we've learned so much from you.

But we need to find our own way as a family.

And I'm sure we'll make lots of mistakes

and we won't know what we're doing sometimes... but...

..but we'll come to you for advice.

When you need it. Of course. I'm sorry.

Do you understand? You're a great mum.

Thanks.

And we'll see you at yours Christmas Day?

Or you can stay till new year if you like.

No, just Christmas Day is fine. Yeah.

Just us now.

Mission accomplished.

Yes, no more meddling in-laws.

Now, you must wake Mia for a good long feed so she sleeps through.

Otherwise she'll be wailing the house down

at goodness knows what hour. Pot/kettle, anyone?

Alison, could I sing her a lullaby while she feeds?

Something soothing like,

♪ Close your eyes, Mummy doesn't care about anyone else but you... ♪

I can't believe that nativity scene didn't do it, Robin.

If I don't feel it, I don't feel it. Oh, who am I kidding?

I don't love Jennifer Aniston, it's you I love, Alison.

And it always will be! My...

We're as bad as Betty.

What's Daddy doing? What's Daddy doing?

A wiggle wiggle wiggle!

You wanna go see Daddy?

Come here. Yeah! Yeah, you do. Yes! Oh!

Knock, knock.

Oh, guys, can this...

Can this wait until I...

Don't worry, Alison, we're not here to ask for anything.

Or to meddle, no.

We have assembled here because we would like to make a proposal.

Right.

When you first arrived here, I thought you were a prostitute.

Yeah, you did.

You said that before. Did I? Yeah!

I did, but I've come to think of you...

..as my own daughter.

Granddaughter, surely?

And even that's pushing it!

Look, the point is, we're family.

We all feel that way.

And your family love you, of course, but...but...

They can be a pain.

Even when they don't mean to be.

Because...they just can't help being who they are.

And you need to be your own family now.

I don't quite follow.

Like you say to Betty,

you got to find your own way.

The last thing you need is constant interference

from a gaggle of uncles and aunties and grannies and pets.

Hey, that offensive. Sorry.

What are you saying?

We can't leave, Alison.

But you can.

No. But we...we turned down the offer to, to sell the house.

So it's... It's too late.

Believe me, if it was good business, they'll still want it.

Why did I vote for this? I hate it!

Think of Mia.

Think of Mike.

It's for the best.

Mike...

What have we done?

Maybe they'll decide to stay.

They won't, Kitty.

We did the right thing.

Thanks, guys.

Oh.

What is it, Robin?

I feel...

..Christmassy.

Ha, ha! There you go.

This one's for you.

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas... ♪

I know what it is now.

It's so simple.

It wasn't the decorations.

Or the music.

No, that not what Christmas about!

Not really.

♪ Have yourself a merry little Christmas... ♪

The most Christmassy feeling in the world...

..is when you give somebody a gift.

A gift you know they will always remember.

# Once again, as in olden days

♪ Happy golden days... ♪

Oojie-googie-googie-googie,

poochie-googie-poochie,

gaboochie-gaboochie-chee.

# Faithful friends who are near to us

# Will be dear to us once more

# Someday soon we all will be together

♪ If the fates allow... ♪

Merry Christmas, lovely to see you as always.

I have your usual room ready and waiting for you.

♪ So have yourself a merry little Christmas... ♪

Hi, guys. Merry Christmas!

Of course we can, Kitty.

Thank you, Thomas, you flatter me.

What's new?

Julian...

I'll never get tired of this.

No, so nice. Lovely. Wouldn't change it for the world.

I think I can feel my pores opening up!

Mick! Is he gone?

What? He's just relaxed.