Original subtitles

Air Force 69 just called me up. They want me to reroute the president on his

duty.

Okay.

Remember, no mercy.

Uh -huh.

I suppose one of you needs to use the bathroom.

Ah!

Hi, Samuel.

I'm on my way to the airport and wanted to see if you could handle it.

Wait, look. Just ran out. Tell her that.

This is Mark.

He was a professional pilot.

He couldn't prove it by me.

You look like you can use your hands.

Whoa.

Like a man, I've possibly been stupidly upgraded to first class.

I would really like to oblige you, asshole, but I have a plan to catch.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

London.

Here for 69.

Right on time.

Allow me to introduce myself, Mr. President.

I am Hans Glaber.

of the Berthold Brecht Liberation Army.

Who? What? What did he say?

I don't know. A hand grabber or something.

He's got a gun.

Go! I don't like you.

Los Kunta. Let me do it.

By the way, who's flying this damn plane?

Every time I look at you, my body starts to shake.

Cause you're a walking piece of heart.

There's nothing I wouldn't take.

I want to get closer.

Give me some coffee, see if you can find a good actor.

Isn't this exciting, Murray? It's our honeymoon, and we're getting to see a

live Hollywood action movie being made at the same time.

Yeah, this is great. I just hope it doesn't delay our flight anymore.

The hotel we booked doesn't hold over rooms.

You're such a worrywart, darling. This is fun.

Yeah, loads.

Okay, so what's the problem now?

This is not about me missing my mark, because I never miss my mark.

You've been running me ragged ever since we started shooting this picture. May

we be of some assistance, Mr. Coxwood?

Yeah, thanks for the technical assistance, Colonel Mustafa.

Oh, no problem. We very much enjoyed shooting our gun.

Uh, yeah.

Why don't you guys go see the production assistant? She'll deal with your pay,

okay? Oh, thank you very much. We come from a very poor country.

So, Porter, we have to rent space on a map.

You must forgive Sharif. He's a very simple man.

Uh -huh.

Well, you'll excuse me. I've got a private matter here to deal with.

Damn

right it is,

Cecil. Now, I want an answer.

The guy over there is less germane a movie actor.

I know.

He's having a secret affair with the director's wife. I read about it in a

national dirt magazine.

Honey, how could he be having a secret affair if you just read about it?

Hey, I'm going to go check on our departure time.

That's the third time you've checked already. Are you sure you're not

out that flight hostess?

Honey, be rational.

This is our honeymoon, not our anniversary.

That makes me feel a whole lot better.

Listen, Cecil, if you've got a problem with me, I want you to be man enough to

discuss it, not running me ragged with this petty bullshit.

Listen up, everybody.

We're going to take a little break here, 60 minutes for lunch.

We're running kind of on a tight schedule because of Mr.

Jermaine.

I'm sorry, but...

I have a plane to catch.

No, that doesn't work.

I'm sorry, but I have a plane to catch.

No, it's not good either.

Well, what is it?

I'm sorry, it's just that... Spit it out, you're halfway home.

I'm a fan.

You want an autograph?

No, no, I couldn't possibly impose. I realize you're a busy man.

Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. It's just that that

asshole over there has been writing my case ever since we started shooting this

movie.

Don't worry, Mr. Jermaine. Your fans love and adore you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Yes, miss. Could you confirm the departure time for my flight to Aruba?

Certainly, Mr.

Noodleman.

President, this can't be happening.

Is there something wrong?

Please, be patient with me, sir.

I'm not at liberty.

Judging by my calculations, Miss Carter, you should be halfway to the airport.

Thank you for these northwestern winds.

James, I'm scared.

It's okay. We're halfway home. We're alive.

James, what were the president's last dying words?

I don't know. Something about taking a leak?

No, I'm serious.

No, I'm serious.

Something about taking a leak, and he gave me this knapsack and told me to

it with my life.

Well, what do you think's in it?

I don't know.

You mean the president was taking it up the ass?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

What is that?

I don't know.

Seems to be some kind of fertility guard.

A what?

Fertility guard. I don't know.

Here.

Why don't I help you with that?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

uh oh

you've been well let's put it this way we may not leave on schedule lighten up

murray this is supposed to be our honeymoon what is that no

since when have you been wearing men's cologne

men's cologne yeah it smells like something a cheap actor would wear well

me while i go wash my face mr perfection

Suppose you tell me what this is all about.

Well, suppose you tell me why you... It's for fucking my wife.

You're crazy.

Oh, am I, am I?

Why don't you explain this, huh?

Has -been actor, star -slipping it to direct his wife?

What do they mean, has -been?

All I can say is, uh... Just, I'd watch my step if I were you, you know.

We got a couple of these dynamite scenes coming up, and, well, they can get

messy.

If you fuck up my face, you'll be hearing from my lawyer, you son of a

Great, great. I got to shoot the whole fucking movie around this guy.

And where are my hostages?

Don't tell me.

William Morris Agency.

What? No, no.

Central Caffey?

I'm, I'm Baum.

James Baum, of a majesty secretion service.

Uh -huh.

And, uh, who's this lingerie model with you anyway?

I'm Cutter, Jane Cutter, head of SunQuest Security.

Great, I'm making a spy movie, and they send me hostages from an amateur home

movie. Is there a problem here?

I'll say.

I'm trying to make a movie, and I am surrounded by assassins.

The deadly pigs must die.

No, not right now, you fool. Please put that away. In the pocket.

In the pocket. But by the honor of Baru, I must be ready when they're playing a

ride. We must be very, very careful, my friend, as fascination is not a pretty

business. But the president must pay for his crimes against our country.

All in good time, my friend.

But for now, we must wait for the formula that our brothers in the Bionian

embassy in Washington are smuggling in the statue of our rule.

But then, then I will drag his bloodied carcass through the streets of Bionia by

the teeth of a jackass.

I'm going to need to see some ID.

Again? Didn't we go through that in part one?

I'm sorry, but we left our wallets on the airplane crash.

Yeah, likely story.

Look here, I'm Jane Cutter, head of airline security.

Yeah, and I'm little Becky Sunshine.

I'm going to have to cite you for the airport nudity ordinance.

Sweet meat.

Uh, speaking of nudity, wonder that knapsack I told you to go over your

Oh, shit.

The knapsack. I think I left it in the ladies' room. I'll be right back.

Still no luck?

No. And why the hell did you buy something at the gift shop when you know

stick it to you every time?

I didn't buy this at the gift shop. I found it in the ladies' room.

Looks like a piece of shit.

Anything else in the bag? There's no dill.

No what?

We have two suspects, one male, one female, in connection with the

assassination. Does the lesion?

Waiting for further instructions.

Over.

Have you contacted Jane Cutter? This is her department.

Negatory. Word from the office is that Cutter's on vacation.

The supervisor's on the assignment.

They make sure she does a thorough strip search.

Make sure there's no stones left unturned.

That'll be a cinch. The female suspect is butt -ass naked already.

Did you say butt -ass naked?

Affirmative.

I've got to see this one for myself.

Sir, are you all right?

Your airline must be more careful, my friend. He has slipped on a bottle of

lube.

Lube? Where would that come from?

Oh, that's Lube, all right.

We are visitors from another country, and we will sue, and we will name you as

an accomplished.

Sir, please, you're making a scene here.

Oh, no, not until we get your clothes off in the three -way.

Oh, so that's your game, hammock head.

Oh, so you wish to lose your job, yes?

Well, an accident report would involve a lot of paperwork, and I do have a date

tonight.

So I'll just chalk it off to foreign relations. What the hell?

I'm ready when you guys are.

Whoa. Oh,

God.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

It's all right.

oh oh

in particular.

Oh, man.

Mm -hmm.

tell this woman we're not presidential assassins?

Can I go now?

Sorry, sir.

All airport operations have been suspended in honor of our dead

Look, I'm a secret agent. You call England, they'll tell you.

A secret agent?

What a hoot!

Lest your means of stiffening is a better actor than you are.

You know, we've got to find a knapsack if anyone can prove our innocence.

What's the meaning of this?

You just fucked me.

That's right. And now we're fucking you again. We are taking you with us as

hostage. Get your butt off me.

Hi.

What a cute little man.

Yeah, it reminds me of my Uncle Irving from Hackensack.

Yeah. Well, anyway, Mr. Noodleman, I have some good news for you and I have

bad news for you.

Well, what's the bad news?

Actually, it's very bad news.

Oh, I'm an adult. I can take it.

Your trip has been ruined and your honeymoon is in jeopardy.

Well, what's the good news?

This little statue here?

Putting a spell on me?

I'm gonna fuck the piss out of you.

Oh, yeah.

um

Oh yeah.

Maybe.

Oh, baby.

Oh, you're gonna make me come, baby.

Can nobody move?

What the hell?

They greatly got the balloon!

Oh, Subrief, he's a very simple man. You must please forgive him. But sadly

enough, I must kill you.

Hey, man, take the statue.

My wife bought it at a gift shop. She can get another one. Oh, it's not that

simple, my friend. You know too much.

Hey, man, I'm from Philadelphia. I don't know shit.

Oh, okay.

In that case, you'd be valuable, Adderley.

Um, Subrief, you must go over to the x -ray machine and bring the statue.

You mean, you mean the great Scott Baruch?

What that was?

Mustafa, my enemy.

He mustn't see me.

The formula is inside the statue.

Our brothers have done very, very well.

If you think I'm going to fall for that old Colonel Mustafa line, you're sadly

mistaken.

Look, he's got a gun.

Now.

There's only one way I can do that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mm -hmm.

Out.

Ugh. Ugh.

I love you.

Sorry, sweetie.

You must not touch the great god, Baru.

You're an idiot. You do not realize what lies in the statue is beyond the wealth

of your dreams. It is the secret formula which converts jackass manure into

petroleum.

I only can rule the world.

Hey, you guys see Cecil?

Oh, there he is.

It's a bomb!

James Bond! My outfit!

Emily James!

It's a gun!

Is that a gun, you idiot?

Pardon me. Is this gun fighting the script?

I didn't know Les even had it in him.

Well, we in the secretion service call it grace under pressure.

Say, pal, I've been giving it some thought, and I've got a position for you

this movie.

Not a chance.

I'm going to be on my honeymoon.

Yeah.

Did you tell him? Yeah.

Cecil had a cow.

Did you tell him?

Murray had a bigger one.

Well, I hear you can get a quickie divorce in Aruba.

I hear you're a big name then.

Hey, I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.