Original subtitles

Hey, Kate, you're not selling my ship in a bottle, are you?

If we're lucky.

I love that ship.

It's the Nina.

Willie, the whole reason we're having a garage sale is to get rid of things.

Well, we don't have to be fanatics about it.

Listen, I've been going over the bills.

Someone should take your credit cards away.

Is that a typo?

An $11 ,000 balloon payment?

No, it's accurate.

You guys are getting ripped off.

You can get a whole package of balloons for 69 cents.

No, no, no. Al, seven years ago, we took out a mortgage on the house.

Just to buy a balloon?

Look, can we not talk about this right now? We've only got a week to get ready

for the garage sale.

You're selling the garage?

No!

Well, that's good.

Because we're going to need some place to store that balloon.

So you understand what a balloon payment is? Yeah.

And you know what a garage sale is?

Yeah. Good.

Now can you explain secular humanism again?

No.

Hey, you're not selling that, are you?

I'm afraid so.

Too bad.

Be a great bottle if it weren't for the ship stuck in it.

It's a ninja.

Well, sorry.

On Melmac, we didn't name our bottles.

It doesn't matter.

We're selling it anyway.

It's house payments hanging over your head, isn't it? No.

We're just trying to clear away a little extra space.

Level with me.

You're on the skids, aren't you?

Dad, Mom wants me to sell Muffy Bear.

And Scooter!

No!

Now look, we've got to be strong about this.

Not my hockey stick.

No.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Hi, kids.

Hi, kids who?

Hi, Grandma.

Stop it. You're ruining the joke.

Excuse me, kids. I love you very much, but there's something I've got to watch

on TV.

What? The fourth ray.

Come on.

Oh, good. You brought some more stuff for the garage sale.

Shh. Come on. Smooth as butter. Come on. Smooth as butter.

Mom, do you have money on that horse?

Woo!

Woo!

Since when do you bet on horses?

All my life.

That's funny. I can't picture you at a racetrack.

I could picture her running.

I wonder how long it would take to pull the hair out of your body.

About two hours.

Mom, how come you never took me to a racetrack?

I never go to a racetrack. You meet an unsavory element there.

I bet with a bookie.

Oh, they're not unsavory.

Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?

An unsavory element.

You mean like oregano?

Nick, the fish is not unsavory.

Nick, the fish?

You bet with a fish?

Oh, hi, Dorothy.

Hi, Willie.

Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?

Yeah.

How much did you win, Grandma?

300 bucks.

Hey, that's even better than last week.

Well, that's fine, Mom. But, I mean, what if you had lost?

Hey, it's my money.

But it's our inheritance.

For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the alien task

force.

Sure. Punish your grandchildren.

Leave us out of this. That's her plan.

Come on, Mom. Let's take this stuff in the kitchen and pack it. I'll give you

hell with these old clothes. Yeah, I've got flyers to make.

Well, I might as well make myself useful.

Hold on, Dorothy.

Can you make a lot of money with this horse racing thing?

Only if you win.

No problem.

Put me in for 50 bucks.

Where did you get 50 bucks?

Have you been going through my purse again?

Yes, but that's not where I got the money.

By the way, you're out of Tic Tacs.

Where did you get the 50 bucks?

Rebate coupons.

Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fish.

Min. No, thanks. I just brushed.

His name is Nick Mint.

And I'm not going to place any bets for you.

I'm not doing this for me.

No, you're raising money for charity.

Oh, excellent comeback, Dorothy.

But if you must know, it's for a balloon payment.

Which, by the way, has nothing to do with a balloon.

Well, I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not going to place any

bets for you.

And it was a dynamite comeback.

Once again, left to my own devices.

Don't you believe in knocking?

This is our room.

I know that.

What may I ask? Are you doing in here?

I have to make a private call.

Now, you two just go back in there and do whatever you were doing.

We were brushing our teeth.

No need to cover.

I think it's great that you kids still keep the flames burning.

Thanks for the feedback.

Now, will you leave? Yeah, after my call.

Who are you calling at this time of the night?

Do I pry into your personal life?

Look, it's kind of a surprise.

What did we say about surprises?

I know, but it's a good surprise.

Just trust me.

Please?

Okay.

Two minutes.

Thanks.

Oh, and close the door behind you.

Hello? Is this the fish?

Great. Listen, you don't know me, but I'm a friend of Dorothy Halligan's.

Yeah, Big Red.

Listen, if I send you 50 bucks, can you turn that into $11 ,000?

No problem.

I've got till Saturday.

All right!

Yeah!

Nick!

Al! Yeah, I was listening. Not bad, huh?

Fifty bucks at six to one odds?

Let's see. That means I won...

Three million dollars!

Whoa! What?

Three hundred dollars.

Oh. Well, uh, let it ride.

Yeah!

I've got the Midas touch.

Okay, Nick.

Yeah, let's go fifties on four in the fifth, five in the sixth, six in the

seventh, and seven in the eighth.

Then at Hialeah, what I'd like to do is... So that's a C note on the double.

Then one each on the two exactas.

Yeah, a deuce on the quinella and a half on the perfecta.

And remember, nothing on the pick six.

I don't want to seem greedy.

Thanks. And my best to the fishwife.

Case.

I think your neighbors are having a garage sale today, too.

You're kidding me, Archmonic.

Yeah, they got a couple of beat -up chairs and an old sofa out on their

lawn. Oh, yeah, that's the way it always looks.

Mom, how come Dad's hockey stick's not out there? Well, it should be. I know I

put it out there.

Oh, it's right next to the bottle with the Mayflower in it.

It's not the Mayflower.

I didn't mean you.

Hey, come here, Willie.

I want you to see this race.

We haven't got time to watch a horse race now, Al. Not a race. This is the

This is the one that's going to make you very happy.

Keep your eye on number nine.

You mean the one that just fell down?

Yeah, that's the one.

He's not getting up.

He will, he will.

Maybe he dropped something.

Well, at least the jockey's okay.

Who cares? Get up!

Get up!

Oh, thank you, Al.

Excuse me. I have to put these away.

Nick!

Al!

Does that race count?

How much am I up?

Oh. Well, then, how much am I down?

Well, I have to make it back fast.

Put $2 ,000 on... What?

What do you mean I can't bet anymore?

No! No, there's no reason for you to come over here.

I'll be happy to put a check in the mail.

Hello? Hello?

Kate.

Quick question. Yeah?

Hypothetical situation.

An individual places a bet with a professional bookie, okay, for a sizable

amount of money. Let's say, oh, $6 ,000.

And he loses it.

And he can't cover his losses.

Hypothetically, what could happen to this individual?

Well, hypothetically, he could have his legs broken.

What do you ask?

Just making conversation.

Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

Get up!

You

think

I can get six grand for this?

More like a quarter.

Well, it's a start.

Al, what's your favorite thing? What do you want to sell them for?

I want to do my part for the garage sale.

Help the family out of their financial troubles.

By five o 'clock.

Al, we don't have any financial troubles.

We do now.

What? Nothing.

Here's some more of your stuff, Al.

Oh, look, a slinky.

get a kink in that. I need to get 500 bucks for it.

You won't.

Yeah? Well, what about this?

A genuine Melmacian survival knife.

There's no blade.

Well, life on Melmac wasn't that tough.

Al, you have some really nice things here, but I really don't think they're

worth all that much.

All right.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to part with this, but here it is.

My collection of booyah baseball cards.

What's booyah baseball?

It's like regular baseball, only you throw fish parts.

Which part?

What difference does it make?

How much will you give me for this?

Nothing. Wait!

Don't answer yet.

What if I threw in an attractive 12 -piece set of cookware?

Now what would you pay?

Three dollars.

Sold. I'm not buying that.

We had a deal!

I didn't mean I'd buy it. I just thought you wanted to know what it was worth.

You're right.

I did.

Sorry.

Do you really need to go to college?

Kate, we haven't sold one thing. Well, it's only been an hour.

Maybe we should have served food.

Mom, this is a garage sale, not a luau.

Kate, nobody's buying anything. I know that.

It's just an observation.

I'm going to see if we have anything in the refrigerator.

Excuse me.

I have a question about the price on this lamp. It's negotiable.

Well, I hope so. A thousand dollars is ridiculous.

A thousand dollars? It must be some mistake.

This looks like the handwriting of a two -year -old. Or someone much, much

older.

Pardon me, but you can't really be charging $2 ,500 for this coffee pot.

You could have two and a half lamps for that price.

We are willing to come down.

I'll give you five bucks.

You expect us to come down from $2 ,500 to five?

Let's look next door. I saw a nice sofa on the lawn.

Kate, Kate, are you out of your mind? $3 ,400 for steak knives?

I think this could explain why the sales have been slow.

Maybe you don't understand the concept of a garage sale.

Mom, could you check the rest of the prices while Willie and I go in the

and investigate?

Excuse me, ma 'am.

Do you have any more of these $800 screwdrivers?

Al? Al!

Al! Oh, where is he?

Down here.

What are you doing down there?

Faking.

Come on out. We know what you did.

You do?

Just tell us why you did it.

I was trying to make a little money.

Where did you get such a crazy idea?

From your mother.

It was her bookie.

Bookie? What bookie?

That bookie.

What does a bookie have to do with our garage sale?

Kate, do I have to fill in all the blanks?

Just stay here.

We'll talk about this later.

No! No, don't answer it!

No! Get off.

My life isn't worth a plug nickel.

Willie, what is going on? I have no idea. Maybe your mother's bookie will

Alf Tanner.

Nicky Bint. Hi, Kate. This is Mr.

Mint. Call me Nick.

Whatever makes you comfortable.

Alf! You sound different in person. You got a cold, too?

Uh, no, no.

I've been sick for a month.

Been taking everything. Nothing works.

Uh, have you tried lemon juice and honey? You know, my wife suggested that,

I can't digest citrus.

You could try the honey without the lemon.

Yeah, maybe I'll try that.

So, where's my money?

Your money?

Come on, Alf.

Just give me the six grand so I can go home and use the vaporizer.

Six grand?

You think I placed a bet with you and now I owe you $6 ,000?

Yeah. That's the general idea.

Come on.

Give me the money.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Mr. Mintz, I'm afraid I don't have $6 ,000.

You'll find it.

Because if you don't find it, well, let's keep that hypothetical.

I should take better care of myself.

Where are we going to find $6 ,000?

Maybe somebody will buy the folding chairs.

By Gordon Shumway, being of sound mind and body. I beg to differ.

Well, I re -tagged everything.

Now, who changed the prices? Oh, we have rounded up the usual suspect.

You placed the bet with your bookie and lost six grand.

When you say it, it sounds so sleazy.

And now, the mob is after him.

Well, at least some good came out of this.

What are you guys doing in here?

Yelling at Alf.

Is he in trouble again?

Yeah.

What does it involve this time? Food or money?

Have I become that predictable?

This time, he seems to incur a rather large gambling debt.

Yeah. And your grandmother is largely responsible.

What? Me?

Yeah. You introduced me to horse racing, knowing full well how obsessive

-compulsive I am.

I depend on you people to protect me from myself.

I have a response to that.

But it's not an informed response.

Look, I did what I did for good reason.

To keep you people out of the poorhouse.

By getting us hopelessly in debt?

Good strategy.

Well, how did you expect to make that balloon payment?

With this pitiful garage sale of yours?

By the way, did the steak knives go?

Al, we put aside the money for the balloon payment a long time ago.

Oh.

Well, can I borrow six grand of it?

I can help. I have almost six dollars saved up. And I've got a little money.

No one in this family is giving money to Alps to cover his gambling losses.

Dad, he was trying to help.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

Alps, will $6 ,000 be enough? Or shall we advance you for the next time you try

to help?

Thanks for the sarcasm, Willie.

Somewhere out there is a meat hook with my name on it.

Oh, my gosh, he's back.

Don't answer it.

Mom, is Mr. Mintz a violent man?

Yes, but he's there.

Let's all slip out the side door.

We don't have a side door.

Well, why don't we?

Just finish your will.

You guys, go out in the driveway. See if anybody is buying anything.

You know, we're a lot alike.

We just can't keep ourselves out of trouble.

Oh, thank God.

Excuse me?

No.

Never mind.

Yes?

Hi, Carl Buck. I was at your garage sale, and I found something I'd like to

but I'm not sure if you're selling it.

Oh, everything out there is for sale. Yeah.

This thing looked like a spaceship.

Except the spaceship.

Not that it is a spaceship.

Could be anything.

It's perfect for the film we're doing.

Film? Who exactly are you?

Oh, forgive me. I'm a set decorator. Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

And I was looking for props for our film, Jupiter Guys.

Boy, that ship would be perfect for it.

You sure you don't want to sell it?

Oh, no, no, we couldn't possibly.

Why not?

It has sentimental value.

Would you consider renting it? No. For how long? Willie!

No more than a week.

Oh, no.

No, we couldn't really.

I was willing to pay $4 ,000. How about six?

Okay, six.

Willie, isn't there someone we should consult about this?

Take the money!

It's our business manager.

So, do we have a deal?

Is this for one week, right?

Right. Deal.

Great.

Who can I make the check out to? Mr. Nick Mintz.

Oh, the fish.

What are you looking for, Al?

Rebate coupons.

You?

My nina.

Good luck, Willie.

And good luck, Al.

Thanks.