Original subtitles

If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

We don't have a whirling hot tub.

I know. I'm going to improvise.

Any milk for me?

No, sorry.

How about me?

All of it.

But, Al, I don't want you joining any more record clubs.

Fine, fine.

Oh, hey, before I forget, I'll need you to write out a couple of checks.

One to Greenpeace, the other to the Auto Club.

You're a member of the Auto Club?

I like the magazine.

I'm not writing any more checks.

Well, fine. My checks just came.

Oh, darn. I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.

Go take your bath.

Fine.

I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone.

I'm already fully covered through the auto club.

I just know he's going to get hair in the drain.

He was wearing a shower cap.

Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?

He said something about a whirling hot tub.

Whoa!

Ow! Oh, my gosh.

Alf? Are you all right?

Elf. There must be some mistake.

I'm Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan life in casualty.

Wayne Slagle?

Michigan life and casualty.

That seems to me too.

What is he talking about?

I'm talking about your future. I'm talking about an insurance plan that

your needs.

I think he's trying to sell us insurance.

Maybe the bump on his head did something to his memory.

Well, he seems okay otherwise.

He just thinks he's Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan life and casualty.

Look, he must have been reading this insurance stuff in the bathroom.

Please, take one of our free calendars. Thank you.

Of a metric table.

Al. Wayne.

Wayne.

I think that you should sit down.

Don't mind if I do.

What was your name again?

Kate.

And I'm Lynn.

Tanner.

Right. Kate and Lynn Tanner. Don't tell me. You two are sisters, right?

Alf, I want you to stop this.

You are not an insurance agent.

You are an alien from the planet Melmac.

Whatever you say.

The customer's always right.

Now, if I can find my actuarial table. Alf, she's serious.

Don't you remember?

Willie? Willie, what's that?

Oh, my gosh.

It can't be.

The lights! What happened to the lights?

Daddy, Daddy, what's that thing in the sky?

What's going on? It's closing in fast. I think maybe we better...

We have a visitor.

Well?

Well, offhand, I could think of several policies that cover roof damage.

But of course, since this is a pre -existing condition, you couldn't claim

under a new policy.

We're not getting through to him. What are we going to do? I don't know. Just

don't sign anything.

Back.

You must be Mr.

Tanner. Good guess.

Alf.

Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan life in casualty.

What's going on here?

Alf is an insurance agent.

Is that a job?

No. Dad, Alf took a bad fall on the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.

Oh, no.

We don't have a hot tub. Well, that's good, Willie, because we don't cover hot

tubs. It is Willie, isn't it? Yes.

We don't cover hot tubs.

We've been trying to snap him out of it.

Maybe we should call Dr.

Jeff. No, no, Dr.

Jeff doesn't handle this kind of a thing.

Who does?

Dr. Demento.

Al? Wayne. Wayne. Willie.

Al?

You're not an insurance agent.

It's not that we have anything against insurance agents, but that's not what

are. You're an alien.

I can't believe it.

What do you think it is?

A real alien!

Willie.

Willie, what is it?

Brian's right.

It's an elf.

What? An elf.

An A -L -F. That's short for alien life form.

Can I stay in my room?

No. No, this thing is not staying in anyone's room. It's not staying.

Why not?

It's he got to stay.

It was a movie. This is real.

This is on our coffee table.

Well, you people sure spin some crazy yarns.

Mind if I use your phone to call the office?

Office?

I seem to have forgotten my number.

Well, it's right here in your business card.

Willie, let him call. Maybe he'll realize he isn't Wayne Schlegel.

Hi, hon.

Wayne, yeah, I'm at 555 -4044.

Any messages?

Wayne, why do you sound so funny?

Is your wife with you?

No. Good, then we can talk.

Where were you today? I waited at the motel for over an hour.

Uh, I don't remember.

Yeah, well, listen, buster, if you think I'm going to wait around for you

forever, you are out of your mind.

Ask for a divorce tonight or we are through.

Okay, okay.

I'll ask her for a divorce tonight.

Boy, you have a couple of drinks, a few laughs.

They think it's forever.

This has gone far enough.

You obviously haven't met Brenda.

Neither have you.

You're not an insurance agent.

You don't know anything about insurance.

A few months ago, you didn't know anything about this planet.

It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs.

Al, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin.

Well, there's plenty to keep you occupied. We've got magazines. This is a

puzzle.

It's broken.

That's the object. You're supposed to put it together.

Why? I didn't break it.

Al, how would you like to go outside and throw around the old frisbee?

The old what?

The old frisbee. Here, I'll show you how it goes.

Guess I'm not in the mood.

All right, let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight.

There's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid,

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen,

Yui, Dewey, and Louie.

No, those are ducks.

Then how do they pull the sled?

Just keep your distance, all right?

And try to be considerate. No problem.

That is the opposite of considerate. That is inconsiderate.

So now, isn't it obvious you're not this Wayne Slagle?

The only thing that's obvious is that your minds aren't on insurance.

Listen, nobody likes to think about the inevitable.

But you do have a responsibility to your family.

He's right, Dad.

We don't need insurance.

And I hope you never do, Knockwood.

But I'll leave some brochures. You can call me when you're ready to talk.

By the way, Willie, are you parked behind me? I don't think so.

Good.

Where did I put my coat?

In fact, where did I put my pants?

Oh, my God. I'm naked.

Well, that's us you aren't.

Okay, so you're free thinkers.

Well, I'm not.

I want my keys, I want my pants, and I want to leave. Don't let him go.

Out of my way, all of you. No.

Oh, no.

First you stripped me.

Now you're holding me prisoner.

I've heard about this happening to other insurance agents, but I never thought

it would happen to me.

You can't keep me here.

This is your own good, Wayne. I mean, Alf.

You're in big trouble, mister.

You're going to go to jail for this.

You may never get out. And if you do...

Just try getting insurance.

Please, please, Alvin, just try to calm down, and maybe, maybe things will start

coming back to you. I don't want to calm down. I'm a high -energy salesman. How

do you think I made the Million Dollar Club?

Look, Alvin, doesn't any of this seem familiar to you?

Is that what this is all about?

Did I have an affair with your wife, too?

Morning.

Hey, I'm sorry.

One thing just led to another, Willie.

No, no, no.

I think we can be reasonably sure that that did not happen. In fact, at first,

the two of you didn't even really... She detested you.

Willie!

What's going on out there?

Nothing. Just screaming.

Move out of the way. No problem.

Let me put it this way, Willie.

I don't think this is going to work out.

I'll take care of this.

Everything's fine.

Everything's under control.

Interesting concept.

So we straighten that out.

I didn't have an affair with your wife.

Now, if you'll just give me my pants.

I can't, but you'll leave.

Look, if the plan is to hold me for ransom, you could forget about it. My

company has a policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

You do, however, have some other policies you might be interested in,

In fact, I could set you up with a whole life... How old are you? I'm 45.

Hmm, 45.

We better act fast. I could set you up with a whole life policy that will

benefit you and your family for years to come. Just think about this, Willie.

Oh, hello, Dr. Schneckmeyer.

Yeah, listen, doctor.

It seems that a house guest of ours has come down with amnesia.

No, we can't bring him in.

Listen, isn't there some kind of, you know, home remedy we can try? You know,

breathing into a paper bag or... What?

What does he see to do?

Hit him on the head with a rolling pin.

No, I don't think that's funny.

No, I don't watch The Three Stooges.

You're right, I should.

Listen, Doctor, I think we'll try the hospital.

Yes, I'm sure he has insurance.

Bye -bye.

Should I get the rolling pin?

We can't hit him on the head with a rolling pin.

At least we shouldn't.

We certainly can't take him to the hospital.

So we're stuck having an insurance agent living in our laundry room. Why does Al

keep doing things like this? Oh, Mama, it's not like this is his fault.

He's like a three -year -old. You have to keep your eye on him constantly.

Rock and roll.

Don't try to take me to the disco.

You'll never even get me out of love.

Ten minutes, I'll be late for the door.

I'm like that old time rock and roll.

Maybe we should have called first.

Well, I had the music pretty loud. I probably would have heard the phone.

So, how was the shower?

Look. What in the world?

Alf, what are you doing in my dress?

Sorry, I thought it was Lindt.

You've really done it this time. Any semblance of faith or trust I had in you

gone. Willie, my jewelry box is missing.

So are my good gold couplings.

And my good watch. And my antique cameo.

Where are they?

Probably being pawned. The police are here.

What'd you do, Al?

Sure. Blame the guy in the dress.

No, don't make a sound.

Stay right here.

And take off that dress.

All right. But I feel it only fair to warn you.

I'm not wearing anything underneath.

Willie, my man, I got to tell you, this thing flies like the wind.

Where are you? What happened?

I don't know.

All I did was turn the engine on. Before I knew it, I was on the freeway.

What freeway?

The one headed for Oxnard.

Nice move, buddy.

Yeah, you're another one.

Al, pull off the road. Pull the car off the road. I can't. I'm in the fast lane.

Although you'd never know it by the way these clowns are driving.

Come on, lady.

This ain't a parade.

Al, don't yell at the other drivers. They'll see you.

No way. I'm driving too fast.

Hey, ever hear a turn signal?

Just look, Al. Listen to me. Look at the road signs. Try to find out. Look at

exactly where you are.

Well, uh...

I just passed the Motel 6.

Hey, they're having a beekeepers convention.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Oh, God, no!

Could you hold this wire while I turn on the juice? Sure. Right there. You know,

that's my shortwave radio.

Do you know how long I... Long.

It took me ten years to put that thing together.

I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.

First the phone, and now the radio. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what about the phone?

You're on it all the time.

What? First I can't use the radio, now I can't use the phone.

What next?

The curling iron? Your toothbrush?

You use my toothbrush?

Yours is the green one, right?

It was.

William Tanner? Yes?

I've got a delivery here for you from the Terry Faith Company. Hold it. Wait

just a minute. I'm not signing anything.

No signature is necessary.

This was all paid for over the phone.

I'll be back with the rest when I get a bigger truck.

Keep the faith.

$4 ,000.

Yep, that matches my total.

Al, how were you able to purchase $4 ,000 with the makeup?

Plastic. I put it on your visa.

Oh incidentally, you're over your limit.

Never mind the curtains. Put me out.

Well, we did get new curtains.

The other curtains were new curtains.

Maybe we can get Wayne to give us elf insurance.

Before we moved offices, we must have only had maybe twelve, fifteen hundred

square feet.

We were literally packed in there like sardines.

Boy, that place was so small, I had to go into Sadowski's office.

To change my mind.

Where are you going with that?

I thought Mr. Schlegel might want a snack.

Of course, in our new place... Oh, by the way, did I give you a business card?

In the new place, the traffic flow is much better.

And we've got a men and a women's restroom.

Yeah. Oh, the underwriters are pretty happy about that. Boy, they sure are.

never seen them so... Are you listening, Willie?

You know, I liked you better as an alien. You were annoying, but you were

boring.

Oh, hi, Bri.

A Brian snack, Mr.

Schlegel. At least somebody has compassion.

What is this junk?

My favorite food, donuts and brownies. What are you trying to do, kill me?

I'll have you know I've got a very delicate stomach.

Nice meal, Kate, even though the portions were extremely small.

Sorry, we only had one pot roast.

While you two get these holidays straightened out, I think I'll just go

breakfast. Not necessary.

I already made breakfast.

Sloppy joes and fiberglass.

There's hair in this tuna fish.

I like it.

He must be hungry. He didn't even say gray.

Gray.

There's something wrong?

Some people won't eat red meat, some won't eat sugar, some won't eat fried

or dairy products.

You didn't eat all the cat food, too, did you?

No way. I draw the line at intestinal byproducts.

Take this food away, son.

I'm not eating till you let me go.

What am I going to do?

I know.

What if I... What if I show you a mirror?

All right. Maybe I need a shave.

Is this the face of an insurance agent?

Yeah. All right. I'm no Bert Sadowski, but then Bert Sadowski's not in the

Million Dollar Club.

This is... You're not an insurance agent. You're an alien. Can't you see

Listen, Willie.

What do you want from me?

You obviously don't want a policy. I want you to get your memory back.

Is that it?

Okay. Hey, hey, it's coming back to me now.

It's like a veil being lifted.

I'm an alien. Yeah, that's what I am. And I'm from the planet Millsap. No,

Fine. Can I have my pants now?

You're not going to leave here.

Hey, we had a deal, Willie.

I'm sorry. You're just going to have to trust me.

It's far too dangerous for you out there.

Mrs. Tad, I've received an anonymous tip that you might be harboring a space

creature.

A space creature?

Yes.

Hairy. About three feet tall.

Is he considered dangerous?

Hard to tell until we get him in the lab.

And what would you do with him if you did get him, you know, in the lab?

Usual battery of tests.

We'll see how it responds to intense heat, freezing cold, high voltage.

Toxic substances.

Pain.

Sleep deprivation.

Inoculation.

That's needles.

And of course, dissection.

Why don't you just pull its toenails out?

You didn't let me finish.

You know what that is?

It's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law to shoot anteaters.

What are you talking about?

You could shoot anteaters.

I don't care what he is. I'm going to take him out and butcher him.

Why do you always get into all the butchering?

Because you usually end up mutilating all the good meat.

I'll get the chainsaw. You make the salad.

Such a thing as a cross between a kangaroo and an aardvark?

Stop putting yourself down.

I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about that thing staring at me from the

bathroom window.

What?

I don't see nothing.

Well, it was there a second ago, and I think it was shaving.

Yeah, right.

And I'm Sean Penn.

All right, let's see if I'm following this, Willie.

There are people out there who want to hurt me.

So you're protecting me by locking me naked in your bedroom and feeding me

sugar.

Something like that.

I'm going to go find Kate and see if she's found anyone to help you.

Yeah, see if she can find any help for you.

It's obvious I'm not going to make this sale.

I'm not getting anywhere with him. Did the doctor give you any advice?

Yeah, but it didn't help.

Mrs. Ockmonick has my rolling pin.

Dad, isn't there some sort of a psychiatric hotline we could call?

Yes, 555 -8533.

I memorized that number when Alf moved in.

Oh, sorry, Alf.

Alf! What are you doing on the phone?

Your goose is cooked now, bucko.

I've called the police.

You called the police?

I can't believe you called the police.

Believe it, pal.

What goes around comes around.

What are we going to do when the police come here?

Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens and then take their

Look, who took whose clothes?

You don't know the mistake you just made.

Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake.

Tangling with a man from Michigan Life and Casualty.

Now the cops are going to lock you up.

And you'll get a taste of what it's like to be a prisoner.

I already know what that's like, thanks to you.

I can't believe Alf actually used your shortwave to call the president.

I don't know what happened. All I know is somebody used my radio. And now I'm a

criminal. And they're going to hang me.

Willie, I don't think they hang people anymore.

I think I'm a threat to national security.

A terrorist, Kate.

I'm not a terrorist.

Honey, I know that.

I'm not going to prison.

I saw Midnight Express.

You remember?

They made a meatball.

That was Pat Leon. In Midnight Express, they broke his feet.

I stand corrected.

How about Stir Crazy? That wasn't so bad.

That was a comedy.

Willie, stop.

It's obvious you have to tell the truth.

Of course, the truth. I'll explain it to them. An alien took control of my

radio. Why would he do that, they'll ask. And I'll say, because I wouldn't

him use the phone.

So you were an ex -con.

Then you're familiar with your Miranda rights.

I'm not the one who's going to jail here, buddy.

You're not my buddy. You're not my buddy.

But you could have been if you hadn't taken my pants.

Hello?

It's for Wayne Schlegel.

Hello?

Wayne, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

But you see, Tubby had just come in and dumped a whole stack of workman comp

files on my desk. And then he had the nerve to ask me to alphabetize them.

Oh, I guess I just took it all out on you.

Look, honey... I pressured you, Wayne, and I'm sorry.

I know that wasn't part of our arrangement.

Look, if I have to share you...

So be it.

There's enough of Wayne Schlegel to go around.

So let's just pretend the whole thing never happened, and I'll meet you in our

usual place in half an hour, okay?

I'd love to, but I can't. I'm being held hostage here.

Oh, sure, just like the last time when you had to go to Sweden to accept the

Nobel Prize.

We are through, Mr. Schlegel.

In fact, right after I finish alphabetizing these files, I'm going

house and telling your wife everything.

Goodbye, Wayne Schlegel.

No, hello!

Hello!

I've just lost a perfectly good marriage thanks to you.

Not to mention a fantastic secretary.

What are we going to do?

Let's look at our options.

We have no options.

The police are going to come here and search our house for a kidnapped

agent named Wayne Schlegel.

Michigan life and casualty.

I thought we didn't have a Wayne Schlegel. We don't have a Wayne

Instead, we have an alien from outer space.

They'll just have to be content with that.

So we're just going to give up? Is that what you're saying?

Well, it looks like we may have no other choice.

That's very sensible of you.

I'll talk to the judge.

And tell him I was treated very well, Willie.

Well, I'm not going to give up.

Look, Alf.

Wayne. No, you're Alf. And I'm Lynn.

We're friends.

Don't try to strike an independent deal.

Do you remember how close we were?

Oh, Alf.

What are we going to do with you?

I guess you'll just have to love me for as long as it lasts.

We will.

Big wheel keep on turning.

Proud Mary keep on burning.

Two, three, four, rolling.

Rolling.

Rolling on a river.

Rolling, rolling, rolling on the... Wait a second.

That's rock and roll.

I don't listen to that garbage.

It's nothing but a bunch of satanic messages.

No, that's not true.

And you love rock and roll.

You even wrote me a rock song.

I'll play the video for you.

I'm against rock videos.

They contribute to the delinquency and destruction of the family unit.

Well, this video hasn't done that.

Not yet, anyway.

Take a look at me and tell me what you see.

Just another pretty face.

Some clown from out of town who came to hang around and look a little out of

place.

You say you wonder what on earth I'm doing here.

I'm only here to tell you, girl, I may be an unknown from the twilight

zone, but you're the one who's out of this world.

the one who's out of this world. Sweet baby, you're the one who's out of this

world.

I've been in an orbit I ain't never been in, because you're the one who's out of

this world.

You're the one who's out of this world, sweet baby.

You're the one who's out of this world.

I'm spinning in an orbit I ain't never been in. Cause you're the one who's out

of this world.

You're the one who's out of this world, sweet baby.

You're the one who's out of this world.

I'm spinning in an orbit I ain't never been in. Because you're the one who's

of this world. You're the one who's out of this world.

I admit some of those guys do look like me, but... They don't just look like

you, they are you! I mean, that is you!

Yeah, right.

Anything else you want to tell me before they haul you off to jail?

Al, you made me that video because you cared about me.

You thought you loved me.

Loved you?

I'm married.

I just can't think of my wife's name right now.

Al... You are not married. You live with us. You are a part of our family.

We are not harboring any faith creatures.

All right. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah, thanks, Mom.

I love this woman.

Thank you, dear. Oh, happy birthday, darling.

Happy birthday, Daddy. Oh, thank you, son.

Many more, Dad. Thanks. Thanks, sweetheart.

Thank you, Al.

Thanks.

Whoa, not bad.

Still waters run deep there, William.

So I'm part of the family, huh?

Well, then tell me.

What side of the family does this nose come from?

That's our flower.

Whoa.

Where did that come from?

You're not a blood relative. You're a part of our family because of the way

you've affected our lives, made them more interesting. Unique.

Fun.

Bizarre.

And the room.

And ready.

Action!

Or emotion!

Hey, back off there, Willie Bob.

Let me give it a shot.

I'm going into a trance now.

You don't have to make rude noises.

That's all right. I don't mind.

Hey, Willie, come here. Listen to this.

Let me know when this gets irritating, okay?

No, no!

It's irritating almost at once.

Let me see what Willie's got in his coat.

Ah! Oh, my gosh! It's somebody's hand!

Go out.

Oh.

We approve. I appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. I mean, cutting roses

so they look like radishes.

And making pate.

And very good pate, too.

What's in it? Let me guess.

There's lobster, there's sour cream, but there's something else.

Play -Doh.

That's it. The fluorescent kind.

I wanted it to be special.

I'm just going to go brush my teeth.

Oh, gross. What is that?

It's a slime ball.

Alf. I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table

unless I have enough for everyone.

Well, we're in luck.

No, we're not.

You sure?

There's a surprise in the center.

Alf, where did you get those?

Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.

I just checked into the Parasite Hotel.

They ain't got a porter or a bell.

I checked into that Parasite Hotel.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I playing too loud?

I didn't know you could play the piano.

Well, I was winging it.

It's tough to play without the red keys.

I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman. Well, Mr.

Smarty... It's Mr.

Science.

For your information, I've located the problem.

There's no power going into the high -voltage transformer.

Hey, you want power?

That would help.

Your call.

It was an accident.

An accident?

You almost killed me, and you say it was an accident?

All right, let's call it a mistake.

So, the droid says to the cramble, to tell you the truth, I'd feel even better

if she lived another six light years away.

Yeah,

yeah.

I think that really was him. He was six light years away.

I guess you ought to be there.

I was!

I'll tell you my favorite droid joke.

Wait.

What's a droid?

You're in memory.

Al, you are in there.

Starting to remember. Yeah, it must be working.

Quick, let's remind him of other things, like, um, like the time you washed

Dad's camera in the washing machine. Or, uh, the time you whacked the driveway.

Or the time you built the termite farm in the attic.

Hey, hey, I heard it was the food of the future.

You do remember.

No, I, I don't even know why I said that.

You're getting me all confused.

You're, you're brainwashing me.

We just want our Al's back.

Why? are you so hung up on this guy anyway?

He seems like nothing but a pain in the neck.

Well, not entirely.

See, why do you think we were so upset about you calling the police? It's not

because we were afraid of getting caught.

It's because we were afraid of losing you.

I don't want to lose you, Will.

You're my best friend.

Come on, Brian. Give us a hug.

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And goodnight, Mrs. Archmonic.

Wherever you are.

your ride.

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying!

I'm staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Ah, she'll only want me more after a couple of centuries.

Aren't you gonna miss her?

Yeah.

But, uh, I guess what it boils down to is I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah. I guess I do.

We love you too, Alf.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin.

Welcome home, Alfmeister.

Say, what is that scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

doing in there? I told him, no suitcase, no suitcase.

Why would I be putting a cat in a suitcase?

On a dinner plate, I could understand.

Rest of cat.

But wait a minute.

That's crazy.

But it does sound tasty.

Yo, Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Why? The cat won't fit in the toaster.

Cat hair.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Version 78.

Could be a 79.

Your eyelids are growing heavy.

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

Dude, hey, you scared me. You ought to wear a bell.

What's going on here?

Um, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time.

He's quick. I'll give him that.

No! It's not true!

Ryan, go get Lucky.

All right.

Syllogism. Insurance agents do not eat cats.

I... I'm an insurance agent.

Therefore, I do not eat cats. But you do!

I don't!

Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, you know, take

a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and flap together a BLT.

That's bacon, lucky, and tomato.

Yeah, I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because they trust me.

But don't get too comfortable.

I don't know anymore. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't eat cats. I don't know. I don't.

Lucky.

He's back.

What about my back?

Yep, he's back.

Are you okay? What do you remember?

Let's see.

The last thing I remember is this big flash of light.

I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture.

And that's about it.

Oh, and also that term insurance is cheaper than whole life.

Well, it's a start.

Oh, my gosh.

It's the police.

Now what did you guys do?

I swear, if it's not one thing with this family, it's another.

Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?

Come on now, you better go.

Fine. If you all need me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.

Okay, thanks.

Good news.

We located Wayne Schlegel.

He was in the hospital.

His wife got to him first.

We'll have to go visit him.

I'm so glad we got that cleared up. I just knew the whole thing had to be a

practical joke.

Sorry we had to search your home. I'm sure you understand.

No problem.

I'll send you one of our safety brochures.

And remember, 33 % of all accidents happen in the home.

And that number goes up when you live with an alien.

Is the heat gone?

Yes.

But I hope you remember what he said about misusing appliances.

No. I was hiding in the dryer.