Original subtitles

Alrighty, Scofield Dungeon.

Now, we have no idea what's in here, so, Wizza,

get us any shielding spells ready.

- Got this. - I'll lay down suppressive fire,

pop off a few rounds of tranquilizer bees.

Bickle, you take the lead on this one, tank this thing.

All right, finally someone values my complete disregard

for personal safety.

Just stay alive. This is all riding on you.

Um, right.

[groans] Let's kick it!

The righteous fury of Skull Cracker will rain down upon you!

Dante!

I need you to help me clean out the spare room.

Okay, just one second. I gotta finish this for class.

It's the signing of the Constitution with dinosaurs.

What say you, Sir Benjamin Frankli-saurus?

Well I hope I don't get struck by lightning again.

Hmm.

It's a level 72 Habanero Dragon!

My acid reflux spells are useless! Bickle, do something!

Dante!

Okay, I can't move that drum set all by myself.

Not my drums.

Where is Fart School Confidential going to practice?

- Who? - My band?

Fart School Confidential, formally known as Dura-smell.

Your band hasn't practiced in a year.

We're just taking a break to pursue solo projects.

Your only solo project is cleaning out the spare room

so I have a place to do yoga.

Let's go!

I'm on fire! He set us on fire!

- Dante! - [sighs]

- This server is completely borked. - What's up, Wyatt?

I'm trying to patch corrupted ISP servers from Daventry Hills.

It's bad enough having to deal with game leaks.

We don't have to add leaks from the whole Internet to our plate as well.

Completely borked.

- You can't fix it... - [cans clatter]

just like you can't fix my broken heart.

You have to stop sleeping here. We do not have a shower.

- I don't mind. - We do.

There's no reason to shower.

My supermodel girlfriend dumped me.

Max, you only dated the girl for two weeks.

You never even learned her name.

Our relationship transcended names.

Those were the best two weeks of my life.

She said I was vain and condescending.

I told her, "You're breaking up

"with the most beautiful man you'll ever meet,

you 'imbedolt,'"

but it was too late.

[sniffs]

- Dante. - Wow.

Let's get sandwiches again. Your treat.

Maybe some fancy ham will fill the void in my soul.

What's-her-face was my everything.

Now I have nothing,

nothing but my multi-billion-dollar software company,

my mansion, this plane,

that dinosaur, these things.

- [gags] - Boards and gadgets.

I am fearing for my safety and my sanity.

Hey, what happened to you last night?

You just stood there while that dragon

turned us into chimichangas.

- Yeah. - My mom was going psycho.

She wants me to move my band's entire practice space

so she put in, like, a Zen garden or something.

I thought Fart School Confidential had broken up.

The band is just on hiatus

until I can find replacements for everyone who quit.

Ever since my dad left,

my mom has rearranged the house on a weekly basis.

- First it was scrap booking-- - [metal clattering]

then salsa dancing,

Bonsai trees, bird watching.

Ha!

Maybe that's what I need to do--

rearrange my life.

I can't take being alone in my gigantic palatial estate.

I should sell it and move in here,

be miserable with you guys.

- Ugh. - That is a great idea

that we can't do anything about

because you own the warehouse.

All right, listen.

I've obviously never been dumped, but--

Obviously, neither have I,

because I've never had a girlfriend.

- Yeah. - The never-been-dumped club.

What?

Anyway, I've heard

that the best medicine for a broken heart

is just get out there and start dating again.

It was on a card I gave to a girl I broke up with.

That won't be a problem.

Look at me. I'm perfect.

[buzzing]

I think we're going to need some help.

In your current state, I think Internet dating

would be your best bet.

Let's sign you up for Hopelessly Single.

If you don't find a date within the first 30 days,

they send you a cat.

Okay, name.

Max Ross.

"People describe my looks as..."

A miracle of genetics.

A modern-day Adonis.

You can grate cheese on my--

All right, I'm going to put athletic.

- "My best qualities are..." - Everything.

I'm so brilliant that the government's trying to get inside my brain.

[whispering] But I keep them out

with my tinfoil-lined hats. Shhh...

I am confident and have an avid interest in alternative medicine.

"Uh, I like to spend my free time..."

Locked inside my mansion counting my money

and working on my zombie apocalypse plan,

which is to stay locked inside my mansion.

Enjoying the wonders of the world and having fun

with other positive-thinking human beings.

Write what I say.

You're saying craziness.

"My hobbies include..."

Video games.

Rock climbing.

Okay. All we need now is a profile pic.

Smile!

Well, if women aren't interested,

the police might be.

Finito.

Now sit, stay, and the ladies will be flocking in no time.

[snoring]

Hey, those pants chafe, so the joke's on you buddy.

Man, my mom is still on my back.

Now she wants me to disassemble my clothes sphere.

Clothes sphere?

All my dirty clothes have sort of congealed

into this giant sphere of fabric.

Why don't you just clean it up?

Can it be that bad if it'll make your mom happy?

If I start making her happy, she'll start expecting things.

I cannot deal with that kind of pressure.

Hello, hello, hello!

Dante, Lyle, Wyatt.

What's with all this negative energy?

We thought you still might be upset

about your life being over

because your girlfriend dumped you.

Life's too short to be bummed.

Are you feeling okay?

I have never felt better.

I'm happy, healthy,

and thanks to Hopelessly Single,

I even have a date tonight.

Wow.

Flaxseed anyone?

Hey, I read Daventry Sports

has a sweet new rock climbing wall.

Let's have an IRL adventure for a change.

Let's all go rock climbing.

♪ [rock]

On belay, my good man.

Yo, Max is more than Max.

- He's maxed out. - Yeah.

Are we done?

If I jump, will that guy take me all the way down?

Nothin' but the best for my numero uno compadres.

Wear the helmets home if you want.

They're yours to keep.

Sweet! I'm totally sleeping in this.

Someone's taking the railing off their bed tonight.

[laughter]

Okay, well, nobody answered my question,

so I'm just gonna go for it.

We're not done with the fun. Right, guys?

I had a stack of pizzas delivered to the top of this wall,

so let's climb.

Pizza on top of the wall? That's classy.

Now, there's no doubt that eating on a wall is classy,

but don't you think Max is acting a little--

- Awesome? - Brodacious?

No, and not a word, no matter how often you use it.

I was going to say weird.

Hey, if him buying us stuff and acting nice is weird,

then I'm all for weird.

Guys, this pineapple and ham is awesome.

Yes!

Woo-hoo!

[doorbell rings]

Could you please get that, sweetie?

Thank you.

Sweetie?

Good evening, Dante.

Max. What's up?

Did you forget your ropey-clampy thing?

It's called a carabiner. Oh, no.

I'm here for my date.

Max, I'm very flattered,

but how do I say this without hurting you?

I like you as a friend.

Hi, Max.

- Nice clothes. - Thank you.

Flowers?

Did someone die?

We're going on a date.

That's way worse!

You, in.

You, out.

You're going on a date with Max Ross?

He is an eccentric billionaire who dates supermodels--

- [gasps] - ...not ladies who live in this house

and yell at me to clean my room.

Well, I am a person, too.

And I like to go out and have fun.

And Max is a very charming man.

You two have nothing in common.

He created the game that you never want me to play.

Well, according to Hopelessly Single,

we are a 110% match.

Let me tell you something, Barbara.

I'm rockin' a D+ in math,

so I'm pretty confident that's impossible.

[knocks on door]

Oh. Jiggle it.

- Jiggle. - There we go.

Good evening, Barbara.

Wow, thank you. Those are nice.

[gasps] Ginkgo biloba.

It's my favorite...

as I recall. [chuckles]

Have a good night.

Wow!

- This is yours? - Yeah.

[door closes]

[giggles] Bye.

Max and your mom?

It's crazy.

And this level 40 Statling Ogre is crazy.

Come on, stay frosty, guys.

Stay frosty?

My world is imploding, Wyatt.

Hey, you could wind up the stepson of a billionaire.

You could bathe in money,

if you bathe.

So Max is charming now,

but 24 hours ago he was the most annoying person alive?

Something strange is going on.

It's like a comic book crossover.

Momzilla and Max-a-tron united to destroy one innocent boy.

This ends tonight.

Aww.

[gasps]

Do you know how late it is?

I called you three times. Why didn't you pick up?

[loud guitar]

Oh! Um...

I'm sorry. I was just...

I was having such a wonderful time.

We went for dinner

and rock climbing.

- Rock climbing? - Yeah.

Look, I don't like you hanging out with this Max character.

- He's a bad influence. - Oh.

Well, you're not my father,

so you can't tell me what to do.

Uh, I know. You're my mother.

And if you keep dating Max,

then I'm not moving my drums out of the spare room.

That's fine.

And I'm keeping my clothes sphere.

- Suit yourself. - I will.

I will suit myself in armor,

and I'll host a jousting tournament in the living room.

Well, that's nice, honey.

But last night, the thought of Max and your mom together

made you want to vomit up your spleen.

Turns out when my mom is happy,

she completely forgets to make my life miserable.

It's awesome. He's really changed, by the way.

He's into all this new stuff like--

Exploring the wonders of the world while having fun

with other positive-thinking human beings?

Boom. Exactly.

Wait.

That sounds familiar.

Max's new persona

is word-for-word the profile Angie created online.

And look, the pic is gone.

I think her fake Max leaked out.

That's not good.

Angie's fake version of Max leaked out.

That explains his obsession with rock climbing.

It's the only hobby that she gave him.

She? You guys were there, too.

Don't put this all on me.

It was those corrupted servers. Great.

Now we have Internet leaks to deal with too.

We need to go to Max's.

If he's a leak, we got to take care of it.

Or...

Or we don't.

Let's compare, shall we?

New Max, fun and outgoing.

Old Max, weird hermit who talks to money.

He's a leak, Dante.

- He's not real. - So?

He makes my mom happy, all right?

That makes me happy. Can't we all live

with a little fake person from the Internet

co-existing in our reality?

- No! - No!

Reason number 207 we should keep Internet Max.

Internet Max buys us pizza.

Real Max threw a full can of soda at my head.

Let's split up.

We'll check inside. Dante, you get the perimeter.

Max?

Are you real or from the Internet?

It's hard to say.

What's your stance on rock climbing?

I hate it.

What are you doing?

My digital doppelganger locked me in here.

It's not locked.

Oh. Well, what do you know?

Dante!

Hey, guys. Did you find anything?

- Nothing. - Anything out here?

Nothing in here. Just some rusty old tool.

Well, we tried, you know. We should just go,

get on with our lives. I'm good.

Well, he wasn't anywhere near Max's frozen yogurt machine.

Guys. You've shown up at my mansion

completely uninvited. What a wonderful surprise.

I have some great news.

I've decided to shut down Conqueror of All Worlds.

I think people are spending too much time conquering all worlds,

and not enough time conquering this world.

I thought of that on the wall. What do you think?

That's the worst idea ever. He's gotta go.

[gasps] What's the matter, Dante?

Don't you want people to live life to the fullest?

[straining] Yes. Living would be ideal.

Shutting down the game is only the beginning.

I'm leveling your HQ and turning it into a cranberry bog

because cranberries are full of anti-oxidants, and you're not.

Hey, I hate to cut this hang sesh short,

but I have a date with Barbara.

Five it out.

No? Nothing?

Okay, let's split up and keep looking for real Max.

I'll take the utility room again.

Oh, Max, who I must've not seen

when I was carefully checking the utility room.

Nobody messes with my primary revenue stream

or my yogurt machine.

We gotta stop me. You go do that.

I'll stay here and make sure that the me that you stop

is the right me, which is not me.

Oh. [chuckles]

This is so romantic, Maxwell.

This restaurant is exquisite.

I would love to throw a grappling hook

over that fireplace.

[laughs] Really?

I see them.

Come over here. Come on!

Okay, some people saw me but not the one's we're worried about.

Listen up, my theory is,

if we alter Max's dating profile online,

it should in turn change the leaked version of Max.

Angie, you made Max the coolest date in the world.

Now you get to make him the worst.

Gee, wherever will I get ideas for that?

No clue, but do it.

My mom will dump him, and we'll delete him.

[laughter]

That's why I named the kitten Señor Muffin Face.

That is an amazing cat story.

- Yeah. - Ha.

Okay. Let's bring back the Max Ross self-obsession.

My interests include me,

my billions of dollars, and me.

- I did his whiskers, too. - You did?

Yeah, I used Sharpies,

and I did them the color of the Mexican flag.

I don't think he liked it, though. Rowr!

It's funny, your cat story reminds me

of how I'm a rich billionaire genius

who doesn't care.

Excuse me, but it was a very sad day

when Señor Muffin Face ran away.

He probably left because you told him a boring story

about some dumb cat.

Yes! Yes!

Okay, now make him a super slob.

Think, Dante.

I have a moral opposition to silverware.

Whoo!

[growling]

It's working. More, more.

Shirts make me itch uncontrollably,

the government put bees inside my brain,

and I'm afraid of tablecloths!

[yelps]

[screams]

[loud crash]

There's a beehive inside my mind.

There's bees in his head.

He thinks there's bees in his head.

They're harvesting my brain nectar for the Pentagon.

Get out of my mind!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I don't think that this is going to work out.

And it-- No, it's not me. It's totally you.

You're a lunatic.

Wait! They're stinging my dreams!

- And I hate rock climbing. - Come back.

You! You did this to me!

Relationship status over.

[chuckles]

Oh, that's great.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

My mom had actually found someone she liked,

and I just deleted him from existence.

He made her happy.

He wasn't real.

He also did try to choke Dante and I on several occasions.

Anyone notice that?

No?

Okay.

Dante!

Oh!

How was your date?

I don't think we're going to go on a third date.

Max's mood swings are a little... extreme.

I'm sorry, Mom.

You deserve someone better than that.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Oh.

[gasps]

- ♪ [sitar] -[gasps]

Nice job in here. You--

Wait, you even got rid of your T-shirt ball.

Clothes sphere.

Clothes sphere.

It's all ready for yoga-ing.

Thanks, Dante.

Really.

But tomorrow,

we are cleaning out the shed to make a greenhouse,

so rest up.

I'll never let her get you, old chum.