Original subtitles

So the lady said, Doctor, that's a very serious operation.

I want a second opinion.

Said, alright, you're also very ugly.

Ah, Ramon, Ramon, sleepin', sleepin'.

You hit him in the face.

Hey, are you crazy?

Jesus Christ, who taught you to drive, Evel Knievel?

Relax, Ernie, I thought I saw something back in there.

So what?

Well, there might be something coming down.

Yeah, you mean like trouble, which we don't need.

Hang on, boy!

Here, wait!

Whoa!

Was that fun?

I'm dealing with a crazy back there!

Look!

Look!

Let's get out of here!

Move it!

Look out!

Doug, be careful!

What?

Why?

I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about him!

Look out!

He's gonna... dammit!

You son of a...

Send me over to the coroner, will ya?

Easy!

Head 'em off!

Hold on!

Look out!

You crazy, redneck son of a bitch!

What?

What?

You almost got me killed!

You!

You!

Look at my windshield!

And I got 32 more payments on this car!

Aw, to hell with it!

Let's take care of business!

Are you crazy?

Fuck this goddamn shit!

Come on!

Get the goddamn gun!

Come on, man!

Come on now, get over here!

Get down!

Get down here, you!

Just don't move!

Freeze!

Right there!

Hey, come on!

Come on!

Up!

Up!

You mother!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

We're police officers.

Sit down!

Don't move!

And you people are under arrest.

Read 'em their rights, Ramon.

Usted tiene el derecho constitucional de guardar silencio.

American!

Talk American, Ramon!

You have a constitutional right to remain silent.

You need not make any statements if you do not wish to do so.

You talk to me...

My, my, mama, you looking good in your clothes.

That doesn't help the heat in here.

I was supposed to take my kids to the Dolphin game.

Instead I gotta do this shit.

I love Cuban food.

Ernie, I believe you'd be better off eating one of these cigars.

Ernie.

Why?

Look at that dude behind the car.

Don't he look suspicious to you?

Look at it.

The trick is find somebody who doesn't look suspicious.

No, no kid, look.

I don't wanna look, I don't wanna see, I just wanna eat.

Leave me alone.

Now what would a nerd like him be doing with a guitar like that?

He plays first string with the New York Philharmonic.

Sure he does.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna check it out.

Oh no, what about lunch?

Let it be, let it be!

Uh, hey buddy.

Wanna talk to you, I'm a police officer.

What'd I tell you, Ernie?

Come on!

46 more days till I return and I gotta do this shit.

Wait!

Uh, uh, uh, come on!

Look out, look out! Come on, get out of the way! God damn it! Jesus Christ! Hold it!

Come on, get out of the way! Come on! God damn it! Shit!

Police! Stop or I'll fire!

Freeze, turkey!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You don't understand.

Up against the wall.

Lady, you're making a mistake.

Will you let me explain?

I'm not sure, and I'm gonna blow your head off.

Freeze!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You don't understand.

Up against the wall.

Wait a minute.

You're making a mistake.

Would you just let me... Come on, wait.

One more word I'll blow your head off.

Don't worry about the gun.

Don't worry about the gun.

Police officer.

Excuse me.

Hi, fellas.

Hey, I am very sorry.

Forget it.

Doug, you're never gonna believe this.

Well, no kiddin'.

You know, I've got to compliment you guys.

I mean, you're really heroes.

Busting two guys armed with a .45 caliber guitar.

Mm-hmm.

Nice ass.

Well, you got them on the street again.

You'll get used to it.

Look, every time we bring some in, the court turns them loose.

Burns my ass.

You know what burns my ass?

What?

Flame this high.

Another triumph, huh?

They throw it out without me even going to court to testify.

I'm telling you, I had it all.

Witnesses, stolen goods, property reports, fingerprints.

I had it all.

I had it all.

Well, how about some donuts?

Huh?

Want a donut?

Justice.

That's what I want.

I want justice.

I'll buy it.

Ernie.

You want a donut?

I'd rather have the money instead.

Oh, Jesus.

Um, hello again.

My, my, Annie Oakley.

How you doing, gunslinger?

Who'd you shoot today?

A guy with a tuba?

Uh, can I help you?

I'm here to meet Captain Geiberger.

He'll be here any minute.

My name is Ramon.

Very nice.

My name is Louise.

And I'm nice, too.

Boys.

Regulatory task force is about to be flushed down the crapper.

Oh.

Hello, Sergeant.

Captain.

Uh, this is Sergeant Louise Webster, who has just been assigned to help you

gentlemen screw up what might be your last few remaining days together.

She already has.

Uh, wait a minute, John.

What are you talking about?

Because of our low rate of convictions, they're cutting off our funds.

You mean we're gonna be reassigned?

That's right.

All of us.

Narcotics, Metro...

45 more days till I retire and they think I'm gonna get wasted by some doper?

No way.

No friggin' way.

No friggin' way.

It's not fair.

I mean, we arrest them, they let them go.

Lock up those liberal judges.

Why don't you just type that up in triplicate, and I'll submit it upstairs.

Well, guys.

Certainly been a pleasure working with you.

Come here.

Come to daddy.

Come here.

Come on, you poor thing, aw, David.

Come here.

Poor kid.

I'll kiss it and make it better.

Where does it hurt?

Maybe I won't kiss it.

You think it's funny?

No.

You comfort him.

You broke his ass.

Here.

It wasn't me.

It's never you.

Oh, no.

Kids.

Two years we worked together.

We were supposed to be the first federally funded anything that succeeded.

But we failed.

Oh, Ramon, those programs are designed to fail.

That's a shame.

That's such a shame.

Hey, does it make any difference to me? 44 more days.

I am out.

Sure.

That's fine for you,

short timer.

What about us?

Hey!

I'm warning you guys.

I don't care if we do have company.

Knock it off.

What do you mean, what about you?

20 years of your life and you get a pension.

That's what you get.

You want an apple?

It's a shame Doug couldn't be here.

Daddy, where is Doug at?

He's working nights.

Come here.

Irving's pregnant.

Hymie!

I'm a legitimate businessman.

Oh, it's you.

Irving.

Put it down.

I'll be right over there.

What ya got, Irving?

A hernia.

Always in my way.

Another typewriter.

It's not even electric.

It's a collector's item.

Runs on steam.

Worth a lot of money.

Antique.

The Magna Carta was typed up on it.

Put an ad in the paper.

Finsky, tops.

At least give me a buck for every key that works.

Four bucks.

It was just five.

The older it gets, the less it's worth.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Hello, Irving.

Hiya, Doug.

Hmm.

Oh, it's a boy.

Oh, how is the wife?

Oh, fine.

She'll be out next month.

Shame you won't be here to see her.

Doug, what are you doing here?

You can't bust in here.

Where's your warrant?

How about possession of stolen property?

No!

I'm a legitimate businessman.

Hymie, I shouldn't even read you your rights.

You know them better than I do, by now.

Business as usual.

Hi, Hymie.

Hi.

Busy?

Just one of those days.

Look what I got.

Ah, I'm glad you showed up.

Why don't you take a group photo of the three of us?

How much?

Clifford, I can't use that!

Ah, I can use them.

Where'd you get them?

You kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

How much you want for them?

A hundred?

They new.

Where'd you steal them?

Ocala.

Oh, boy.

Apartment or hotel?

Hotel.

Do they have a name?

Winslow.

Anything else?

Yeah.

What?

You're under arrest.

Shit.

Hi.

Doug, I'll cooperate, I'll squeal on everybody.

Me too.

Quiet, I'm thinking.

Leave him alone.

He's thinking.

Hank.

I want the fat one buried.

But... But I'm not a well man!

Who cares?

I mean, we bust them, and then the courts let them go, right?

But, by the way, John, I'll guarantee you a conviction.

Okay, let's hear.

All right.

What we do is we set ourselves up as fences.

We open our own stolen goods operation.

You want the police to buy stolen goods?

Exactly!

Why don't we get into rape?

Rape is good.

Rape is very good.

Ramon hasn't gotten laid all week.

Besides, it would clear up his complexion.

Doug, it's a very stupid idea.

Why?

Because it hasn't been done before.

If it was worth doing, someone else would have done it.

Look, what we do is we take over Hymie Stiglitz's pawn shop.

We're the fences.

They come to us.

The crooks come to us!

That's entrapment.

Penal code 12-022, section 5.

Horseshit!

The crime happened before we ever bust anybody.

I'll check will legal.

You realize what you're letting yourself in for?

You antagonize the mob.

You're asking to be hit.

We pretend we're mafia.

That's a good idea.

You can practice by riding around the trunk of my car for a month.

Doug, we still have $32,452 left.

See, there's even more than I thought.

So why waste that money buying information?

Let's just buy stolen goods.

John, it sounds good.

The bureau command is not gonna go for that.

You don't take it to him.

You take it to the chief.

Direct.

If the department does not know what's going on, it won't leak out on the street.

The minute you make your first bust, somebody will know.

We put it on film.

Tape.

Tape.

Tape.

Videotape.

Oh.

So now you're all in on it, huh?

I mean, what you would have is something that's never been done before.

Guaranteed to cut through the bureaucratic bullshit.

I mean, you'd have no plea bargaining, no lack

of evidence, no overcrowded court calendars.

They'd incriminate themselves on instant replay, and

they'd have to be adjudicated with substantial penalty.

Right!

Now, look.

I won't promise you anything, but I will take it to the chief, direct.

That's great.

Uh, Louise?

I owe you one.

Oh.

Horaeshit.

Morning, boys.

Hey, gang, the captain wants to see us.

Where's Ernie?

In there.

Come on.

Hey, Ernie!

Captain wants to see us.

What's the matter?

What's going on?

Geez, don't get no privacy around here.

The chief is willing to go along.

All right!

Now, I want records kept of each buy.

I want to know where every penny goes.

Leave it to me, cap.

And remember, you're on your own.

If the department or the papers get any wind of this whatsoever,

the chief will deny any knowledge of it, and so will I.

In other words, you're putting our ass in a sling.

Exactly.

Huh?

Forty-two days left.

- If my pension gets screwed up by your... - Quit worrying about your damn old pension.

What are you gonna do when you retire?

You don't enjoy it now anyway.

I enjoyed that.

Hey.

You guys, you can't put me down here.

I'm honest.

I'm a citizen.

I want a phone.

I want a lawyer.

I have my rights.

What rights?

You have no rights.

I have rights.

You can't keep me here.

We're doing it.

You can't.

But, Hymie, there's a way out.

If you cooperate.

I'll cooperate.

How?

All right.

We want you to go see your aunt in Baltimore.

What aunt in Baltimore?

Look at my lips.

Go see your aunt in Baltimore.

Understand?

Oh, that aunt's in Baltimore.

Right.

And we want you to stay there for 30 days, Hymie.

If you do, we'll let you off the hook.

Yeah, sure, I could do that.

For 30 days.

I'm dying to see that aunt.

In Baltimore?

Yeah.

This can't be the place.

Oh, Doug.

You've got to be kidding.

We've got a lot of stuff.

Be careful.

Be careful.

Come on, this thing is heavy.

All right, but it's... Now, be careful.

Be careful.

It's dark in here.

Don't shove me.

It's dark in here.

Okay.

Come on.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Sorry.

Here.

Here.

Well, what do you think?

It's really... filthy.

Filthy.

This is your desk here, Ernie.

Hey!

Who's that?

It's a bust of Hymie's mother. Dust it off and make friends.

So, this is where we're gonna be, huh?

Hey.

You think this is great?

Wait till you see what I got for you back here.

Come on.

Ernie.

This is a porqueria.

40 days and 40 nights in a porqueria.

Oh!

Really nice.

Oh, sure.

Well, it's a good little fixer-upper.

Gang, there's room for junior league highlights.

Wow!

Elephants could mate here!

Where are we gonna put the camera?

Ah!

I thought she would never ask me, my dear.

Oh.

My room?

Your room.

And...come in.

Hey, look, look, look, look.

Now, this is gonna be a two-way mirror.

Yeah.

And to raise this up.

Oh, that's nice.

And that's where the camera goes.

Louise?

Is it going?

Yes, it's going.

You go.

Wait a minute.

Yeah.

Is that okay?

You sure?

Yes, yes, it's going, she said.

Okay, right, okay.

Now what?

Go.

What do you mean, what?

That's how you talk to a customer, what?

Okay, okay.

Uh, are you selling something, sir?

Yeah.

This box right here.

Okay.

Well, I'm buying something.

Good.

I'll give you, uh, a thousand dollars.

And you can meet my sister.

You got it.

But I don't recommend it.

Now, my brother.

Get out of here.

Come on.

Let's see how it came out.

Come on.

Louise.

We're coming in.

Louise, how we doing?

Yeah.

Hello.

Hey, I'm a star.

Yeah, with no sound.

What happened?

Yeah, Louise, I was talking.

Why aren't I talking?

I don't understand it.

You see, the needle was moving.

There must be something wrong with the microphone.

You're just gonna have to talk louder.

Louise, I thought you knew how to work this.

This has no sound at all.

Oh.

Do you want to work it?

Well, no, I can't work it.

It's not my department.

You're gonna have to finesse it.

Hey, hey!

Somebody's coming.

Look!

Make him talk loud.

Go on, go on, go on.

Hymie?

Wrong number.

I made a mistake.

No, no, you didn't make a mistake.

Come on in.

Oh.

I'm in.

You'll have to speak up.

Yeah.

He doesn't hear too well.

The war.

The war?

Vietnam?

No, Brooklyn.

Oh.

Where's Hymie?

Huh?

Where's Hymie?

Hymie?

Ah, he's away.

Yeah.

We're taking over.

Have a cigar.

Thank you.

What you got?

They're stones.

Louder.

The war.

Oh, stones.

Very fine quality.

I don't know.

That one looks like it's been dead quite a while.

What kind is it?

2:15.

How much you want for those?

$120.

Huh?

$125.

You got it.

I do?

You do.

Huh?

What's your name?

Paully Albadecker.

Albadecker.

Why is he writing it down?

Ask him.

Why is he writing it down?

Uh, records for the boss.

Paully.

Huh?

Where'd you get them from?

Rabinowitz and Sons on Spring Street.

Spring, huh?

Hymie never wrote that down.

Well, why do you think they call us organized crime?

Huh?

Oh, thank you.

Nice doing business with you.

Come again.

I said it's nice doing business with you.

Tell all your friends about us, huh?

I will.

And I'll tell them to holler.

Arrivederci.

No thanks.

I'm Dutch.

We're in business.

Doug, why so much?

We could have gotten it retail for that.

We want them coming back for more.

Let's see how it came out.

Come on.

What you got?

They're stones.

Louder.

The war.

They're stones.

Very fine stones... Louise, you've screwed up the sound again.

Why are you shooting the back of Doug's head, Louise?

That's a great picture of me.

Where's the guy?

Well, it's only the first day.

I have to get used to the equipment.

Well, that's stamed.

The only person we have evidence on is me.

I don't understand.

You people say you know what you're doing, and you don't.

Hold it, fellas.

We're out of line.

Louise, we apologize.

What do you want us to do?

Come again.

He says it's nice doing business with you.

Here.

If you will just stand on these... These tape marks.

All right.

Everything will work out perfectly.

Oh, that's fine.

That's easy.

In other words, we stand here, the bad guys stand there.

We hit another disaster.

We won't have another disaster.

I have the sound worked out beautifully.

We don't have to yell anymore.

We don't have to yell anymore.

Just stand on the tape.

Way to go.

All right.

Okay.

Okay.

So, where'd you cop it, Tony?

What's it to you?

Oh, well, I want to know, that's all.

If I tell you, you tell somebody else, somebody...

Tony.

Tony, Tony.

Tony, we've got to keep records, because we've got to know how to move this stuff.

What the hell was that?

Uh... Hitman.

Yeah?

Pretend you didn't see her.

Uh, they get edgy.

Hitman?

Her?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's, it's the, uh, it's the women's lib thing, you know.

Tony, it's getting a little out of hand.

Hey, Tony, come here.

Don't tell nobody our hitman is a woman, okay?

What's the matter with you?

You think I'm stupid?

Tony, just for the record, where'd you cop it, huh?

Collins Avenue and 79th Street.

Hey, here you go my friend.

Nice doing business.

What a day, what a day.

This is very good.

If I don't have my snack, I get grouchy.

Ay, mucho trabajo, poco dinero.

Louise, let's go home now.

You want a piece?

I'm gonna die.

What do you think, Slim?

I don't know.

They ain't the Jew no more.

I hear they the mob, man.

They big time.

Means they got money.

Yeah.

I say we go in there, we taking a chance.

Let's take a chance, yeah.

Okay, nice, nice.

Well, good evening, boys.

Can we help you?

What?

Oh, nothing, man.

We're just looking around.

All right, freeze you motherfuckers!

All right, you!

Move!

Come on!

All right, you!

Over there!

Now!

Move!

You!

Away from the table!

Now!

Now, fellas, look.

Just a minute.

Okay!

Come on!

Okay!

Okay!

Okay!

Okay!

You!

I tried, Louise!

Let 'em go!

Who's Louise?

He's Louise.

Hmm.

Jesus Christ!

Look at all this money!

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Blow your head off, man!

Don't follow me!

Come on!

We gotta put out an ATB.

No!

We can't blow our cover.

We almost got killed!

I had him covered.

I could've blown him away.

They almost blew us away.

People, we did the right thing.

They got $300, $365.

It's the principle! Oh, my pie!

Wait.

Wait a minute.

What we need is some security.

What?

Security!

Give me $100.

Why?

Give me $100!

Good thing they didn't get this.

Yes!

That's what I want!

That's marvelous!

But your prices are ridiculous!

Will you give me a break?

There's training.

Shots.

Food.

Newspapers.

What can I get for $100?

Get out of here.

No, really.

You're killing me, bud.

Come on!

Oh!

Watch him!

Watch him!

Watch him!

Watch him!

Hi, boy.

Well?

I give up.

What is it?

It's a watchdog.

The poor thing.

He looks like he needs a watchdog.

You paid $100 for that?

I gave $150 for that.

Oh, well, I guess the extra 50 was for the fleas.

Come on.

Don't make fun.

He doesn't have papers, but he's a trained killer.

No!

He is!

But he looks so gentle!

Oh!

Oh, Fred!

Hey, Fred!

It's okay!

Stay!

Wait!

He's one of us!

Wait!

Get back, boy!

Stay!

Okay, we're home.

All right.

Down!

He's an animal!

That's a boy!

That's... Yes!

That's a good...

Hey!

He is trained.

No!

No!

Come on!

I'll do it, Ernie!

Come on!

Sit, sit!

Yes!

That's a good...sit!

Ernie!

Come here!

All right!

What?

Hey!

I haven't seen you in a long time!

Sid!

How are you doing?

There's a cop.

Standing right over there.

You see him?

I'd know that face anywhere.

What cop?

Where?

Don't look over there.

That's the guy, that's standing right there watching us.

You see him?

No!

Turn around.

I asked you not to do it.

He nailed me the last time I was here.

No!

You see how you

keep looking at him?

Please!

I know.

I'll go to jail on account of this if he keeps spotting me.

Can't you see?

I've got some harmonicas I want to sell to you.

Harmonicas?

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Oh!

How many you got of these?

I got, uh, gross.

Uh, don't around, you see.

How much you want for these?

A dollar a piece.

A dollar?

That's right.

They're ninety dollars at gross.

Ninety dollars.

Right, sir.

They're toys.

They're not toys.

Now, if you keep looking at him, there he goes.

Looking at me again.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, that's good!

Sid!

Open.

Oh, my goodness.

Are you all right?

Uh-huh.

Don't turn around.

No, no, don't.

Don't turn around.

Wait.

Morning, Thurman.

What you got?

Chickens.

Okay, Colonel Sanders.

Let's see the chickens.

Give me a good price and I'll throw in the van.

Well, now, how many are we talking about?

Three hundred fifty.

No shit.

There'll be plenty of that in these.

You cook very good evidence.

Oh, it's good.

Hot chicken.

Hot chicken.

Oh, hot chicken.

Oh, that's right.

So, hey, what have you got today?

Goods, buster.

No kidding.

Well, it's better than Kojak.

Sixteen in one day.

I'm impressed.

But they don't seem to be looking at the camera too much.

Yeah, you're right.

Guys.

I think I have an idea.

Well, there it is.

Don't look like much.

But they pay top dollar.

They're the boys.

Oh.

Now, remember what I told you.

Speak up.

Why?

Because they're deaf.

Oh.

Hi, my main man!

Put that stuff right down there.

I brought some friends.

Well, hi there.

Hi.

Speak up.

Hi.

My main men.

We've got... Hold it.

Hold it.

You don't have to holler anymore.

I can hear now.

Yeah, he's cured.

It's a miracle.

Wonderful.

Oh, it is.

It's wonderful.

You mean you hear what I can say right now?

Yep.

Can you hear what I'm saying now?

Perfectly.

Oh.

You know, I had an uncle like that once.

He was just about as deaf as...

Oh, Paully.

Paully.

Huh?

What you got in the box?

Huh?

You're never gonna guess.

Burglar alarms.

You come back now.

You hear?

Thank you.

Who's in charge here?

Oh, hello.

What can I do for you?

Lieutenant Carley, organized crime unit.

Main office.

And now it's your turn.

Ah.

Armie Stiglitz.

And I'm Sister Mary Ginsberg.

What's your business here, Mr. Stiglitz?

Ah.

We buy and we sell.

Oh.

That's so.

And what do you buy?

Whatever they bring in.

Oh.

Like stolen property?

No.

No.

Listen.

We're legitimate businessmen.

Oh.

In that case, let me have the great pleasure of shaking the hand of an honest man.

You know, I have to tell you the truth.

We had a tip that this was a fencing operation.

Fencing?

No.

What?

No.

Well, we don't understand.

Oh, well, then I'll make it clear.

You see, I was sent over here to make a report out on you people.

You don't mind if I take a look around?

This place looks a little dirty.

Well, Lieutenant.

What's it gonna take to get a clean bill of health?

Well, I have to consider all those valuable men in my squad.

A thousand a week?

That seems fair.

Well, gentlemen.

Thank you.

That was easy.

This is a heavy burden we bear.

This is true.

Yes.

It certainly is.

Well, thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

That's a fine-looking dog you have there.

Pet him.

Yeah, go ahead, pet him.

No, thanks.

I need this hand for tomorrow's pickup.

Top of the morning to you.

Louise, did you get that son of a bitch?

Just like in candid camera, his fat ass is fried.

Good.

What do you want, kid?

I hear you buy stuff.

Yeah.

Wanna buy a dog?

No, we've already got a dog, see?

This is a good dog.

Is he your dog?

No.

Where'd you get him?

I stole him.

You wanna buy him?

No, we've already got one.

Get him out of here.

Hey.

How much you want for him?

$100.

$100.

Do you know it's against the law to sell anything that you stole?

Yes.

And do you know that you can go to jail for that?

Yes.

Do you?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And is that what you want?

No.

I want $100.

And what are you gonna do with $100?

Buy something to eat for my baby sister.

Where's your mother?

In the bar.

And where's your father?

I don't know.

What's your name, son?

Lewis Foster.

Hi.

Uh, why don't you just, uh, take that and go on?

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Come on, Lulu.

You know, it's a good thing you're retiring soon.

You're very emotional in your old age.

Uh-uh.

Huh?

We got company.

I, uh, understand you buy goods.

That's right.

Can we help you with something?

Name's Carmine.

I got something for you.

I give it here.

I give it here free.

Yeah, what's that, Carmine?

Advice.

Close.

Close?

We kinda like it here.

It's a nice neighborhood.

Good customers.

You know me?

You know who I am?

Yeah, you wanna buy old clothes?

You're from Goodwill, ain't ya?

You just said your name was Carmen.

Carmine.

Hey, you're gonna be funny.

Don't be funny with my name.

You know, you're spreading it around town that you're family.

You're using our reputable name to enhance your new acquisitions.

That... That...Ain't healthy.

You'll be in Fantalina, right?

How'd you know?

Cause you're the only garfoons dumb enough to try to muscle in on John Meninas.

John Meninas?

He's a boss of boss.

He don't operate in Florida.

We're expanding.

That's right.

We're thinking about franchising.

Like McDonald's.

McDonald's?

Yeah.

You know, you guys could be hanging from the big M.

You know what I think?

A, you ain't family.

And B, if you ain't, we're gonna come right back here

and show you guys what a Big Mac attack is really like.

Don't bullshit me!

What's the matter with you?

I don't smoke.

Oh, and I'm gonna look into what you said about... John Meninas.

Yeah, do that.

I will, skinny.

I'll be back.

I'll be back.

Well, bring more troops next time, Carmen.

Oh, I will.

Let's get out of here.

Oof!

Take it easy.

I'm just looking to sell it.

Oh!

Uh, uh, does it work?

Sure it works.

You want me to shoot that dog?

No.

No.

Uh, no.

You ever use it?

Couple of times.

Hey, come on.

Be straight with me.

Somebody gets picked up with this, they're gonna get hit with a murder rap, right?

And what do you think I'm looking to dump it for?

Hey.

You guys family?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe youse can use a head guy.

Maybe.

Got plenty of experience.

Oh, yeah?

Oh.

Well then, you got a resume?

Come on.

Well, do you mind filling out an application?

You mean... Like a contract?

Yeah.

Like a contract.

So you stole it around here, huh?

Oh, that's nice.

It's new, too.

Oh.

Uh, hello.

Hello.

Excuse me.

Hold this for me a minute, darling, yeah?

Uh, can I help you?

Uh, I'm just looking.

I'm looking for an anniversary present.

Maybe you could help me?

Uh, no.

Uh, no.

Lady, look.

I'm looking.

I'll look.

I'll find.

And when I find, I'll call you.

Don't be so nervous and don't be in a hurry.

Okay?

This is nice.

Maybe.

Maybe.

If it's a Westinghouse, that's for sure.

Ah, we can't sell you that.

What do you mean, you can't sell me that?

Well, you see, we don't sell, we buy.

She doesn't sell, she buys.

How much is it?

A hundred and fifty dollars.

What, are you a meshugana?

He's a meshugana.

The price is a hundred and fifty dollars.

You're a meshugana, too.

I'll give you eighteen fifty.

I'll handle it.

Lady, the price is a hundred and fifty dollars.

You take it or leave it.

You know, you're the reason for birth control.

All I know is, I want to help the small businessmen.

I come here and look at the treatment I get.

All of you.

Let me get my bag and let me get out of here.

And I'll never, never shop in this store again.

They don't even let you out of here.

Hey.

You reckon they're here to get their car washed?

Our friend, Carmine, that dirty son of a...

Hey, Ramon!

Wait'll you see this man.

I say, young man, are you the authorized purchasing agent here?

Uh, yeah, yes.

Yes, ma'am, I am.

Would you be in the market for a kilo of Colombian gold?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Sure, sure.

Right over here, we buy gold, silver, Mexican art, whatever, you know.

No, no, young man.

We're talking about something far more cultured.

Oh, yeah?

What?

Mary Jane.

Thirteen.

Weed.

What?

Dope.

You know, pot.

Pot?

Oh, dope.

You sell dope.

The best.

Colombian.

Go take a hit.

Uh, no, really.

I can't... I don't know.

Thanks.

Anyway, no, I'm allergic to fun.

Oh, here, young man.

Nah, I take your word for it, really.

Nah, I'm cool.

It's like a bottle of wine.

One must sniff the cork before one buys.

Nah, nah, I... nah, really.

That's it, no.

All right, Jaws.

One more, but leave my fingers.

Come on, come on.

Yeah, good boy.

It's the best shit you're ever going to smoke.

Mmm.

Good?

You made a pig of yourself, Jaws.

Hi.

Well, Sergeant, I got all your health food right here.

Good.

I've got you some yogurt.

Thank you.

Got a spoon?

Spoon.

Put it down your neck.

Thank you.

Got some cottage cheese.

I'll have that later.

Come on, Jaws.

You want to give it to Doug?

Something for your troubles.

That's good.

Help you?

Maybe.

Yeah.

I'm from out of town.

Dominic sent us.

I was told you buy goods.

What do you got?

Whoop.

Don't want to mess up your suit now.

What, are you afraid of a little piece of paper?

Cojonula!

Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Think you can handle it?

Yeah, sure.

How many you got?

Car load.

Hey, Doug.

Yeah.

Look at that.

What are you asking for these?

80 a piece.

80 a piece.

M76 sub machine gun, 9mm.

177 rounds, which can be fired in less than 8 seconds.

I'm talking.

Son, that gun right there would revolutionize Coon Huntin'.

You interested?

Yeah.

Sure.

Sure.

Bring 'em in.

I don't understand.

We don't just ride around delivering these things.

I told you.

We gotta...

What are you laughing at?

Just bring 'em in here.

I told you.

We got a car load of 'em.

You want 'em?

You gotta come get 'em.

Okay.

You got a deal.

We'll take 'em.

No.

Np. We'll take you to the guns.

6 tomorrow.

A.M.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll pick you up.

My nose is itchy.

That means trouble.

Something smells fishy.

It's the chickens.

Would you do me a favor?

Next time you make a buy, would you get me some china cups?

You know, maybe we should get a backup.

Look.

It's just another buy.

Don't come in too close, okay?

Don't worry about us.

He's ready.

Jeez.

Just speak into your chest hairs, please.

Oh, let me, let me.

They're at the back door, too.

Okay.

I'll get it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Got it?

Thank you.

Got it.

Back!

Morning, boys.

Shall we go?

Ready?

Oh, I'm... goin' for a boat ride, huh?

It's a nice boat.

So, uh, tell us, where we going?

Relax.

You're with me.

Come on, Ramon.

We can't lose 'em.

I'm right with you.

Let's use Doug's.

Don't tell. You buried the goods at sea, and we're gonna go dive for 'em, right?

Very good.

Captain, I couldn't have done better myself.

This is some housing project.

Boy, look at those condominiums.

Ernie, that's an erector set.

Get out of here.

Come on, up this way.

There. There they are.

Holy shit.

783 crates packed four to a crate.

That's $250,560.

Let me see that.

You realize that right now you're the third most powerful nation in the world?

Boys?

That is a lot of guns.

And that is $250,560.

Do you take master charge?

You've seen the weapons.

Now let's see your money.

Okay.

All right.

Hey.

Good.

Hey.

Okay.

Talk to my friend a minute.

Take it easy.

Oh, it was fun.

Uh... Louise?

Ramon?

What do you think, Charles?

You wanna know what I think?

No.

We're gonna tank them.

Well just how we gonna do that?

Gold and silver.

Ready?

Yeah.

Excuse me just a minute.

That's a lot of money.

Do ya take gold?

Sure.

How about silver?

Yeah.

What's the piece?

A badge.

Drop your guns!

- You drop your guns!

Come on! Damn!

Right here!

Come on!

Come on!

Go get 'em!

Come on, boys!

Oh!

God, damn it!

Jesus!

Cover me!

Watch out, Ernie!

God, you- I'm gonna get killed!

Can't talk.

I gotta run.

17 more days, I'm gonna die in a goddamn condominium!

Get out of there!

You reckon he shot 80 rounds yet?

What the hell are you asking me that for?

Well, if he shot 80 rounds, 120 more rounds, then we can rush him.

Get out of here! I'm just kidding.

These guys don't shoot very well.

That was good!

You lousy cops!

Okay!

Thank you!

Now let's finish.

Lousy, compadre?

Hi, boss.

Oh, no.

Get off my foot!

I'm sorry, boss.

That way, go that way! I got him!

I got him!

Is he?

You okay?

I am now, mama.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm trying to get out of the bathroom.

Ah, go shit in your hat.

Stand up, damn it! Come on!

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Gasoline. I'm hiding behind gasoline!

Top of the world, ma!

Son of a bitch!

Ernie.

Let's go. Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

You all right?

Oh!

Yes!

By the grace of God!

Damn it!

Kiss my ass!

That'll take all week!

Hey!

Hey!

You okay?

Huh?

I was scared.

Well, 500 gallons of gasoline.

You know where you could have wound up?

Well, my whole life flashed before me.

Well, I imagine it did.

It was terrible.

I'm glad it wasn't me out there.

Oh!

Sorry.

That's okay.

Son of a bitch.

Well, son, what you got there?

Some hot yo-yos?

You wanna stand there and be funny, or do you want the package?

We want the package.

What's in it?

What's in it?

I don't know.

The man told me to give it to you.

Out!

Well, here.

Thanks for your trouble.

There's your dime.

You sure you can spare it?

Get out of here.

A fish?

Look!

That's from Carmine.

Yeah?

That's the family.

Our family.

Yep.

That's their way of saying that we're gonna be sleeping in the ocean.

Well, if they think they're gonna scare us

into closing, they got another thing coming.

We got news for you.

We are closing.

What are you talking about?

What?

We're finished.

Kaput.

Out of business.

Finito.

What are you talking about? Doug!

Well, how much money we got left?

$126.37.

You've got to be kidding.

Have I lied to you about money?

Well, what are we gonna do now?

It's a shame to waste it.

Hello.

Doug?

It's Louise.

Oh, hello Louise.

You asleep?

No, I was just blowing up my Dolly Parton doll.

Listen, Doug.

Uh... I think I've got an idea.

I'm happy that you all could come.

Last night, we got a tip about a fence

who just bought 50 hot television sets.

That's great.

At the same time, three other precincts were getting tips about stolen jewelry.

Wonderful.

About motorbikes.

Oh, nice.

And other household items.

That's terrific.

That is entrapment.

The selling of impounded goods.

That's what it is.

Improper use of federal funds.

And damn it!

I want to know what's going on.

Captain, we ran out of money.

And we had to sell all those things to stay in business.

See, by selling our excess inventory, we generated

enough revenue to keep going for another ten days.

We got 171 on tape.

Fine.

As long as it's legal.

Did you say a hundred and-

And 71.

Get out.

Get out.

And remember, no more selling.

That's a direct order.

Yes, sir.

A hundred and seventy one.

Wow.

Gentlemen.

Have I got a deal for you.

16 boxes of the finest Cuban cigars.

Upmann Number Ones.

Would you mind checking me for a hernia?

I think I hurt myself.

Did you say Cuban?

Cuban.

Sure.

Well, I like you.

Tomorrow at noon, you may climb me.

Come on.

He ain't that short.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then how come he spent last month dangling from my car mirror?

Hey.

How much you want for all them cigars?

Well, they're normally $80 a box.

Four bills cover the whole thing.

Four bills?

Fine with me.

Sounds good.

Made yourself a deal.

Looks like a mouthpiece for a Chinese boxer.

There you go, Navel.

They're good.

Little Orphan Annie in Florida.

Mickey Mouse with yellow jaundice.

Get out of here.

A naval disaster.

I'll see you guys.

Talk about horny.

Ernie, we gotta keep all these records?

Yeah, sure.

Doug?

What?

You know those cigars we bought today?

Yeah.

They're ticking.

They're ticking?

That joker.

He works for Carmine.

It's a bomb!

Why are we discussing it?

Open the door!

Door! Open the-

Open the door!

Open the door!

It's a dud.

Ramon.

Louise.

Geez.

Geez.

It's a wreck.

It's ruined.

I just had it washed.

That's it?

Is this all you got?

Uh, no, sir, captain.

We've got a few other things back here.

Oh, my God.

David, you want a ride?

There's only one piece of pie left.

Captain, you have it.

Gloria, I can't.

Ah, have one, John.

I have reached my limit.

Besides, I'm driving.

I'll have it.

You?

One more piece, you'll look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Oh, that's mean.

So tell me.

We got a warehouse full of evidence.

Got them all on tape.

How do we bust them?

Well, we got their addresses.

Why don't we just pick them up?

No, wait a minute.

Why don't we let them come to the store and we hit them, one by one?

You'll only get a couple that way.

The rest of them hear about it, they'll split.

That's right.

You're right, John.

We need to bust them all at once.

Sure.

How?

That's the problem.

Uh-huh.

Why don't you give them a nice party?

What are you all looking at me for?

All I said was give them a party.

What a marvelous idea. Having a party in a warehouse.

Oh, good evening.

Hi.

Oh, how quaint.

Hi! He can hear now. Hi.

Hey, Duke.

You could make it.

I'm glad.

You're looking good.

You too.

Yeah, you like it?

It's new.

Burdines.

It's on sale.

$39.50.

I'll pick up one tomorrow.

Yeah, but before you go in there, leave your hog leg with us.

The boss gets a little nervous.

You want me to feel naked?

Nah.

Come on.

The boss.

Come on.

Ah, what the hell.

It's a party.

Now y'all go on inside and have yourself a good time.

Any word on my application?

Oh, you're going to hear tonight for sure.

Good, thanks.

You're welcome.

Hey, Rocky, go on in.

We'll see you shortly.

How are ya?

Hey, how you doing?

Good to see you.

How are you?

Good.

What's happening, doll?

Nothing.

Nice party, huh?

Yeah, it's gonna get better.

Put that down!

Would you care to dance?

Young man, I've got something for you.

Oh, no, thanks.

Last time I smoked that stuff, I gained six pounds.

Maybe later, Paully.

Buenos dias, buenos dias.

Godfather, felicitations.

Buenos dias.

Black Godfather?

He was a war baby.

What?

Buenos dias.

You see, when Italy invaded Ethiopia...

Excuse us.

It's very complicated.

Oh, he is really enjoying it, you know?

You think he's into it?

Well, everybody showed up.

It's like an all-star game.

Sure did.

Oh, by the way, sorry.

You're really looking good.

You noticed?

What do ya think?

Got to hand it to you people.

So far it's working like a charm.

Alright, let's bust 'em.

Uh, gee. What's the hurry?

You know, Ernie and I haven't danced yet.

Yeah.

Fifteen minutes.

Can we give 'em fifteen minutes?

What do you say, boss?

Come on, come on.

I mean, they're having such a good time... All right, all right.

Fifteen minutes, but no more.

You got it.

Come on, we can dance.

You know I'm gonna hate to see this end.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss all this.

Should we go in now, boss?

Not yet.

Let 'em get good and ripped.

Hey, look at Ernie! He's dancing!

Hey!

Doug...

Time.

All right.

Let's do it.

Oh, okay. Can I have your attention please?

Your attention?

Let's hear it for our host, everybody!

Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray!

Hip hip, hooray!

Thank you.

This is Geiberger, the fish are in the net.

Come and get 'em.

What?

This is Cleopatra's Massage Parlor.

A massage parlor?

No, this must be the wrong number.

Burglars, small-time crooks and petty thieves, welcome one and all!

We're very happy that we can make your last night on the

street a happy party to remember until you get out.

Ernie, what are you saying?

I'm saying that we're police officers and you're under arrest.

They don't believe us.

Let's go.

You are under arrest.

Honest.

Hey!

Listen, and listen good.

There's only one family operates in this town.

This is our territory.

Understand?

Understand?

Yeah.

You shut up!

I'm talking!

I'm gonna teach you guys a lesson once and for all.

No!

Uh oh.

Ernie, you okay?

Are you alright?

Where's a cop? You can never find a cop when you want one.

Thanks!

This is the operator, need some help?

Why, you...dirty...

You alright? Yeah.

Better stop that or I'm gonna get mad.

Hey, Chief. This is an emergency. All hell is breaking loose down here. Send in the marines.

Don't turn around.

You turned around.

Jaws, get 'em! Get 'em!

Hi. Hymie, you're back too soon!

And me with two days left!

Two seconds left!

No!

Ketchup.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

You ruined my... jacket.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

I don't know if it's gonna come out.

Oh, geez.

It's brand new. Ketchup stains..

Come here, you.

Come here.

Come on.

Come on, you.

You're in the wrong line.

Get in there.

I told you you'd lose.

Don't handcuff him.

That's Captain Geiberger.

Sid, I'm glad you could make it.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Oh, thanks for all your help.

Sorry it turned out this way.

My dear, it was the best party.

Hey, you guys saved our asses, and now we're sending yours up.

What are you worried about?

What you need to do is check with your lawyer.

He's our lawyer.

We'll be out in 24 hours.

Bye.

She's with me.

Bye, my main man.

Bye.

Oh, you got the beat shit out of you.

I'll see you around.

There's a message for you. There's a picture for you.

Is it a good guy or a bad guy?

Bad guy.

Well, go draw me a good guy.

Look what David drew.

What a bust that was.

It was terrific.

Wasn't it great?

It certainly was.

And so were we.

250 arrests.

231 convictions.

Gotta be some kind of record.

Hey, wait till the guys downtown hear about that.

Well, we're really gonna miss you, Ernie.

Are you really gonna miss me?

Nobody's going to miss the new Assistant Director for Burglary Task Force,

Lieutenant Ernie Fortunato.

He signed up for 5 more years!

Hey Ernie, how many days you got left?

1,825.

Come along.

Let me tell you something.

I was shocked when I signed up.

Good night, Peter.

No, no!

What the hell?

Good night, Ramon.

And good night, Lieutenant.

Good night.

Good night.

We'll see you.

Good night, Gloria.

And your picture from David.

My picture from David.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Captain.

See you tomorrow.

Sweet dreams.

Uh, Louise...

Did you forget something?

Yeah.

Yeah, look, um...

Now, you know, all this time we've...

We've been working under slave conditions.

And I just want to tell you you're a hell of a cop.

You're a hell of a woman.

Well, Sergeant, how would you feel about a little undercover work?

How would you feel about taping it?

Get in.

Open that.

Okay you kids, now stop it.

I mean it.

The fun's over.

It's time to go to bed.