Original subtitles

♪ I'M A LEAN, MEAN, GREEN MACHINE ♪

♪ THE MANIAC BEHIND THE BALLYHOO ♪

♪ GOT A HYPERACTIVE MAYHEM GENE ♪

♪ BUT THAT'S MY GIG, BABE, IT'S WHAT I DO ♪

♪ AND I COME SPINNIN' INTO TOWN ♪

♪ GOT EVERYONE SEEIN' RED ♪

♪ BY THE TIME I'M DONE THEY'LL BE SEEIN' GREEN INSTEAD ♪

♪ SMOKIN' ♪

♪ MY CITY'S ACTING KIND OF EDGY ♪

♪ TRUST ME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT... NOT ♪

♪ IN THE NEWS ANOTHER DRIVE-BY-WEDGIE ♪

♪ FREAKY MONSTERS LOOKING FOR A FIGHT ♪

♪ TIME FOR A COSTUME CHANGE ♪

♪ THEN TAKE 'EM FOR A SPIN ♪

♪ FOUR-THREE-TWO-ONE-GO ♪

♪ LET THE GAMES BEGIN ♪

♪ [SCAT SINGING] ♪

♪ SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪

♪ LISTEN ♪

♪ I'M NOT ANY ORDINARY SUPERHERO ♪

♪ NOT YOUR EVERYDAY SPANDEX-WEARING ZERO ♪

♪ DID SOMEONE SAY IT'S PARTY TIME ♪

♪ DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK ♪

♪ ANY TIME... READY OR NOT LOOK OUT ♪

♪ I AM THE MASK ♪♪

MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

I'M DEEPLY HONORED TO BE RECEIVING THIS MEDAL TODAY.

YOU KNOW, HEROISM IS LIKE ICE CREAM.

THE MORE YOU LICK

ENOUGH YOU'RE NOT GETTING A MEDAL.

YOU'RE BEING COURT-MARTIALED.

NOW, SHUT UP AND TAKE THE STAND.

OH, HE'S SO STRICT.

YOUR HONOR, THIS MAN HAS COST THE MILITARY

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS DUE TO HIS UNRULY ANTICS.

I OBJECT!

YOU DENY THE CHARGES?

NO, I OBJECT TO THAT COLOGNE YOU'RE WEARING.

PUEY!

TELL THE COURT WHAT HAPPENED, AND START AT THE VERY BEGINNING.

WELL, IT ALL BEGAN TWO MILLION YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH COOLED.

AND THEN CAME THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS.

THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL WAS THE TYRANNOSAURUS REX!

NOT THAT FAR BACK

JUST START WITH YOUR ENLISTMENT IN THE MARINES.

OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA MISS ALL THE FUN STUFF WITH THE MONKEYS.

I WAS BUSY SAVING THE GALAXY

FROM THE DREADED SLIME CREATURES.

TAKE THAT, YOU MUCK-HEADED MUTANTS!

AND THEN, I SAW IT.

THEY WERE RAFFLING OFF A COMBINATION BOOM BOX,

BIG SCREEN TV AND YOGURT MAKER!

AND, I HAD TO HAVE IT!

OH!

YES!

YOU SIGNED YOUR NAME FIFTY TIMES.

YOU MUST REALLY WANT THIS.

OH, I DO, I DO, I DO, I DO, I DO.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.

CONGRATULATIONS, NEW RECRUIT.

WHA!

YOU'RE NOW A MARINE.

HEY, WAIT, THERE'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE!

I CAN'T BE IN THE MARINES!

YOU SEE, I'M WHAT YOU CALL A FREE SPIRIT.

FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE!

MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER.

IN OTHER WORDS, I'M OUTTA HERE, CHUMPS!

THEY GIVE YOU ALL YOUR SHAMPOO AND SOAP FOR FREE!

FREE TOILETRIES?

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

I'M IN FOR LIFE!

OH, GOODY.

I'M YOUR BUNKY, NORMAN, HE-HE-HE-HE-HE.

THIS IS SLABHE HAS SOME MINOR COORDINATION PROBLEMS.

OUCH, OOH, OW, THAT SMARTS, HEY, OW.

AND, THIS IS OLIVER.

HE'S STILL ADJUSTING TO MILITARY LIFE.

SORRY, I USUALLY DON'T GET THIS EXCITED WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE.

WELL, AFTER MEETING YOU FELLAS, ALL I CAN SAY IS

THIS COUNTRY IS IN BIG TROUBLE.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY

THIS BARRACKS IS A TOTAL FASHION DISASTER!

IT NEEDS A COMPLETE MAKEOVER.

THIS HAM BONE BELONGS IN THE STEW.

AH, NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL "BASIC TRAINING."

YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT TO THIS TESTIMONY.

- IT'S IRRELEVANT AND IMMATERIAL. - OH, YEAH?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT A REALLY BAD TOUPEE.

OH MY GOSH, IT'S ALIVE!

I'll GET IT MA!

THERE, THAT RASCAL WON'T BE A-GIVIN' YOU NO MORE TROUBLE.

MWAH!

WHY... YOU... NOW, THEN... WHERE WERE WE?

IT WAS MY FIRST NIGHT IN THE MARINE CORE.

AND, WHILE THE OTHERS SLEPT SOUNDLY

A TERRIBLE BATTLE WAS BEING WAGED.

G-4, MISS... B-2, HIT!

HEY YOU SUNK MY SUBMARINE!

AREN'T YOU GOING TO TURN IN IT'S REALLY LATE.

SORRY FOR LOSING MY TEMPER.

YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUNG SIR, IT IS LATE.

AND, I DO NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP.

HELLO?

I'D LIKE TO LEAVE A WAKEUP CALL FOR AROUND NOONISH, TA!

OKAY, MAGGOTS... RISE AND SHINE!

OH... YES, SIR!

MHM, UH-HUH, MHM.

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL?

NO, GIRLS, PLEASE

NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I SAID, EVERYONE OUT OF BED...

AND THAT MEANS YOU, CABBAGE HEAD!

EXCUSE THE HECK OUT OF ME, BUT

I LEFT MY WAKEUP CALL FOR AROUND NOONISH.

NOT NIGHTISH.

OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY.

YOU JUST EARNED YOUR SQUAD A 20 MILE MARCH.

HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR, HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR...

HUT-TWO-YOW!

THERE IS NOW SLEEPING HERE, PRIVATE!

WELL, NOT ANYMORE THERE ISN'T!

WELL, MAYBE YOU FIND THIS BORIN'

MAYBE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO BETTER.

WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTIONED IT

EVERYONE MARCH TO THE RIGHT!

YOUR LEFT-YOUR LEFT.

I SAID, EVERYONE MARCH TO THE LEFT.

YOUR RIGHT, YOUR RIGHT.

SPIN AROUND.

ONE-TWO.

HIGH-KICK!

THREE-FOUR, ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR

HIGH KICK... ONCE MORE!

SEE THE SERGEANT WEAR A GOWN, NICE AND GRACEFUL, DANCE AROUND!

OH, I FEEL LIKE A DAINTY BUTTERFLY.

WATCH ME FLIT AROUND FLIT, FLIT!

SARGENT COLE, STOP THAT FLITTING!

SON, THAT WAS THE BEST PRECISION DRILL

I'VE EVER SEEN FROM A NEW RECRUIT.

OH, GO ON, SIR YOU'RE TURNIN' ME RED.

I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF GUARDING

THE MILITARY'S NEWEST WEAPON THE AMPHIBIOUS WEASEL,

OR, AS WE CALL IT THE X-AW?

HIM?

BUT, WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM!

AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE WAY TOO HIPPY FOR THAT KIND OF GOWN.

BUT, SINCE YOU WANT SPECIAL DUTY SO BADLY

♪

I AM GONNA GET THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK

IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.

WELL, THERE SHE IS, BOYS.

THE X-AW.

A GUARANTEED BABE MAGNET IF I EVER SAW ONE.

WHAT SAY WE TAKE IT FOR A SPIN?

OH, GOSH, I DON'T THINK WE'RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT,

PRIVATE MASK.

WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO GUARD IT.

YEAH, BESIDES, WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAIL.

WHAT IF WE GET SEASICK?

OH, PISH-POSH, WE'RE MEN OF THE SEA.

WE'VE GOT SEAWEED IN OUR BELLIES AND LOBSTERS IN OUR TAILS.

NOW, LET'S MAN UP AND RIDE!

♪

OOH, I KNEW THAT GREEN YAHOO

WOULD TRY TO PULL SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS.

WEIGH ANCHOR!

1,500 POUNDS!

A MIGHT ON THE HEAVY SIDE.

I SAY WE LOSE IT!

NICE TRY, PRIVATE MASK, BUT I'M A LITTLE TOO CLEVER FOR

AHH!

LET'S SEE THAT THIS BABY CAN DO!

♪

THAT'S SOME PRETTY EXCITING STUFF, HUH, BOSS?

YES, YES, NOW CONTINUE.

AHH!

♪

AHH!

THAT'S IT COLE, THIS TIME I'M SENDING YOU AWAY

ON EXTRA-SPECIAL DUTY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS?

NOT A CHANCE I'll HAVE MY REVENGE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT, YOU STUPID ICE BUZZARDS?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY, STANDING GUARD ALL BY YOURSELF?

YOU BET, I'll BE OKAY.

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR ANYBODY

WHO TRIES TO MESS WITH THIS BOAT.

WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN.

NIGHTY-NIGHT.

MAN, I HAD NO IDEA STANDING GUARD WAS SO BORING!

WELL, MAYBE SOMETHIN' GOOD'S PLAYIN'

ON THE OLD SONAR TONIGHT.

OH, GOODY, MY "FAVORITE-EST" CULT SCI-FI MOVIE:

HULA CREATURES FROM DIMENSION Z.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE RIGHT IT'S NOT JUST A JOB,

IT'S AN ADVENTURE.

A FEW SECONDS LATER, A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE

CLIMBED ONBOARD THE BOARD, AND

AHA, SO THAT'S WHEN YOU TURNED THE X-AW OVER

TO THAT BAND OF HIGH TECH PIRATES, AND THAT'S WHEN

YOU SOLD YOUR COUNTRY OUT, YOU TRAITOR!

AND, THAT'S WHAT IT FEEL LIKE TO HAVE WHIPPED CREAM

DOWN YOUR SHORTS!

NOW, HUSH UP AND LET ME FINISH MY STORY.

MR. INTRUDER SNUCK UP REEEAL QUITE LIKE.

BUT ON ACCOUNT OF MY SUPER KEEN SENSES AND NERVES OF STEEL,

I WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

UH, EXCUSE ME?

AHH!

DON'T EVER DO THAT.

SORRY.

IT WAS A KID NAMED BRIAN,

AND HE WANTED THE X-AW

FOR HIS SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR.

MY YOUNG FRIEND, THE X-AW IS NOT A TOY.

IT IS A SOPHISTICATED PIECE OF MILITARY HARDWARE, EMPLOYING

THE LATEST STEALTH TECHNOLOGY, AND IT'S WORTH MILLIONS!

I'll TRADE YOU FOR THESE BASEBALL CARDS!

IT'S A DEAL!

THERE IT IS, PETE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

NOW, HOOK THIS UP TO THE BOAT AND WE'LL QUIETLY TOW IT AWAY.

HERE YA GO, MATE I'D DO IT MYSELF,

BUT ME SHINGLES HAVE BEEN FLARIN' UP SOMETHIN' AWFUL.

OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY!

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT

YOU TRADED THE X-AW FOR AN ORDINARY SET OF BASEBALL CARDS?

OF COURSE, NOT!

THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS!

THESE ARE HIGHLY COLLECTABLE BASEBALL CARDS, JUDGE.

FEATURING THE RARE ALONZO PETTIBONE ALL-STAR CARD!

YES, ALONZO PETTIBONE

THE GREATEST SHORTSTOP OF ALL TIME!

ONE SEASON, HE STOLE 83 BASES!

UNFORTUNATELY, HE ALSO STOLE FIVE CARS AND A WINNEBAGO,

AND DID THREE YEARS IN SING SING.

HEY, THIS CARD ISN'T FROM ALONZO'S ALL-STAR TEAM.

IT'S FROM HIS PRISON TEAM!

THAT'S IT, THE TRADE'S OFF.

THIS CARD IS, LIKE, TOTALLY BOGUS, BUD.

GENTLEMAN, I SHALL RETURN.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, GREEN CHEEKS.

EXCEPT TO THE BRIG.

HEY, LOOK IT'S THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.

MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.

COURT'S IN RECESS.

♪

OH, THESE SHOES HURT ME FEET SOMETHIN' AWFUL.

I'M GONNA HURT YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP COMPLAINING, PETE.

NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN

WE WALK IN, LOCATE THE BOAT, AND STEAL IT.

AND QUESTIONS?

UH, YEAH.

UH, DO YOU FIND IT EASIER TO APPLY YOUR LIPSTICK

BEFORE YOUR MASCARA OR AFTERWARDS.

♪

OH, UM... MISS TEACHER,

COULD YOU PLEASE LOOK AT MY SCIENCE PROJECT?

GET OUT OF MY OH, I MEAN, SORRY, DEAR,

BUT I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.

SEE... IT'S A VOICE-ACTIVATED MOUSE TRAP!

IT'S A WHAT?

OW!

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DO I WIN, HUH, HUH?

I'll LET YOU KNOW YOU LITTLE BRAT.

♪

EXCELLENT, WITH THE X-AW AT MY COMMAND,

I CAN ROB AND PILLAGE EVERY SHIP IN THE HARBOR!

UH, BOSS ♪

DUDE, WAIT UP!

♪

PARDONNE-MOI, BUT IS THIS THE WAY TO THE TOUR DE FRANCE?

OH, WE LOST HIM GOOD THAT TIME, LONNIE.

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED, MATE.

OH, AM I?

♪

LOCK AND LOAD!

♪

FIRE ONE!

♪

STOP THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK!

LOOKS LIKE THEY WANT TO PLAY!

LET'S SEE, ONE POTATO, TWO POTATO, THREE POTATO, FOUR... AHH!

♪

IT'S NOT NICE TO MESS WITH MR. MASK'S HABERDASHERY.

♪

THE WORD "OOPS" LEAPS TO MIND.

YEAH, TIME FOR A LITTLE SPORT FISHIN'.

OH, YEAH.

THIS BIG FELLA'S FULL OF FIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HIYA, FELLAS... MISS ME?

YOU'RE GUILTY.

ME?

NOT YOU, THEM

WE'VE BEEN AFTER LONNIE AND HIS MEN FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU RABID SNOW CHICKENS!

BACK, BACK I SAY!

I HAVE GOT A FILE ON THIS GUY THAT'LL SEAL HIS COURT-MARTIAL.

IT'S AN ACCOUNT OF EVERYTHING HE'S DONE.

SERGEANT, THESE FILES ARE UNREADABLE.

DARN THEM NASTY PENGUINS!

YEAH, THE PENGUINS.

PRIVATE, YOU'RE A HERO FOR CAPTURING LONNIE AND HIS GANG

AND THAT'S GOOD.

THEN AGAIN, YOU WENT AWOL FROM THIS COURT-MARTIAL

AND LOST THE X-AW AND THAT'S BAD.

ON THE OTHER HAND

YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, LOOK, PAL I'M RUNNIN' OUT OF SIGNS

SO COULD YOU JUST GET TO THE POINT?

THE POINT IS THE MILITARY COULD USE

MORE ORIGINAL-THINKING SOLDIERS, LIKE YOURSELF.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE PROMOTED TO LIEUTENANT... CONGRATULATIONS.

NO, LIEUTENANT, NO!

YOU CAN'T!

OKAY, MAGGOT, IT'S CONGA TIME!

HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK, HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK!

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

[SCAT SINGING]

MAMA-MIA, MAMA-MIA!

LUCY, I'M HOME... OPA!

♪

♪