Original subtitles

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE AT MY SAVIOR-FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO ♪

♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN, I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD ♪

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED ♪

♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MIND ♪

♪ ARCH-BILLIANS AND NE-ER-DO-WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪

♪ WELL THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOTTA SING ABOUT ♪

♪ OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT ♪

♪ OHHH, LOOK OUT ♪

♪ THIS IS "THE MASK" ♪

♪ S-S-S-S-MOKIN' ♪♪

AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

THE CONGA CONTEST.

YOWZA!

OH BABY!

THEY'RE PLAYING MY SONG!

♪

SOMEBODY STOP ME.

♪

CONGA LINE!

♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, HEY ♪

AND THE WINNER!

♪

MY LUCKY NUMBER.

NUMBER 26.

♪

MAKE THAT NUMBER 5.

A WINNER.

JUST LUCKY I GUESS.

♪

WELL, HELLO, WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

HOW ABOUT ADMIRING YOUR CHIPS?

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO WINNERS.

PERHAPS, YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME TO MY OASIS, HUH?

AND WATCH THE SUN RISE OVER THE CAMELS.

IS IT HANDSOME?

YOU ARE A BIT TOO FAST FOR ME.

I LIKE MY MEN SLOW AND QUIET.

DON'T MOVE, SUGAR.

I'VE GOT JUST THE CHUMP, I MEAN, GUY FOR YOU.

SPARKY, A REAL GEEKY GUY

IS GOING TO BE FILLING IN FOR ME, OK?

I'll LET LAME-O STANLEY SOFTEN HER UP,

THEN I'll MOVE IN FOR THE HEAVY SMOOCHIN'!

HUH?

HEY!

HERE YA GO, ACE.

SHAKE THEM UP GOOD!

♪

SEVEN!

A LOSER.

HMM-HMM.

WHOA!

WHAT A GEEK.

YEAH, THE DUDE'S A TOTAL LOSER.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING IF I COULD JUST WIN ON MY OWN!

I GUESS I'll ALWAYS BE A LOSER!

♪

PSST.

OVER HERE.

WHAT?

WHO-WHO'S THERE?

BUB'S THE NAME.

I'M WHAT YOU'D CALL A DEAL MAKER BY TRADE.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DEAL, KID?

A... A DEAL?

UM, WELL, WHAT KIND OF DEAL?

A DEAL SO GOOD YOU CAN'T REFUSE.

I HAPPEN TO BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU A NEW IMAGE

WITH ALL THE LUCK AND PIZZAZZ ANYONE COULD WANT.

I CAN MAKE YOU A WINNER.

UH, SURE.

RIGHT, OK.

WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS?

CHARLIE?

I DON'T KNOW ANY CHARLIE.

LOOK, KID, WHAT I'M OFFERING YOU IS THE REAL DEAL.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE.

ON THE DOTTED...

UM, HAVE YOU GOT ANY REFERENCES?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

ALL CLIENTS OF MINE.

LET ME SEE-...WOW!

A WORLD FAMOUS HOCKEY PLAYER.

THE STAR OF A TV SITCOM.

WAIT, THIS GUY HERE IS THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

NOT TILL AFTER HE SIGNED MY CONTRACT.

WOW!

BUT YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED, SO I'll JUST BE ON MY WAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE.

UM, I MEAN, I'M ALREADY A LOSER.

SO WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

♪

CONGRATULATIONS, AS OUR ONE MILLIONTH CUSTOMER,

YOU WIN A ONE HOUR SHOPPING SPREE.

TWO OF THESE, OH, CHRISTMAS, MOM MIGHT LOVE THESE.

MOM, DAD, SIS.

OH, THIS IS GREAT, OH, UNCLE JOHN,

HE'S GOING TO LOVE THIS.

THAT IS ONE LUCKY GUY.

♪

I'M A WINNER MILO!

ME, ME BUDDY.

NOT THE MASK, JUST ME!

♪

MORNING.

BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT?

HEY, NICE TO SEE YA.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

CHARLIE?

CHARLIE, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DESK?

IT'S GONE.

I'VE BEEN FIRED!

WORSE, YOU'VE BEEN... PROMOTED.

♪

VICE PRESIDENT?

ME?

WOO, THIS IS FANTASTIC!

UH-HUH, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YA, STANLEY.

♪

YEP.

LIFE IS GOOD.

GLAD TO HEAR IT.

AH!

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

I HAVE MY WAYS.

TIME TO SETTLE UP THE ACCOUNT, KIDDO.

WELL, SURE, ABSOLUTELY, WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

NAME A FIGURE.

YOU CAN PUT YOUR CHECK BOOK AWAY.

BUT HOW AM I GOING TO...

OH, OH, I GET IT.

YOU WANT CASH.

GOTCHA.

LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE PICTURE.

SEEMS LIKE YOU NEGLECTED TO READ THE FINE PRINT.

LET ME SEE IT.

THIS CAN'T BE.

TRUST ME, IT BE.

YEAH BUT THIS SAYS THAT I'M GOING TO...

YEP, GOING TO THE BIG SAUNA.

THE LAND DOWN UNDER.

AND I AIN'T TALKIN' AUSTRALIA.

UM, WWW-WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR JJJ-JUST A MOMENT?

UH.

OH.

OH, NO.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE CLOTHES.

YOU ARE A LITTLE OVER DRESSED FOR WHERE WE ARE GOING.

MAYBE SOME SHORTS AND SANDALS.

IT GETS KINDA HOT.

HOW... HOW HOT?

EVER BEEN TO THE SAHARA DESERT

IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER,

POKING STICKS OVER AN OPEN FIRE IN A FUR COAT?

WELL HOTTER.

HOT.

TIME TO GO, KIDDO.

YEAH, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE, YOU KNOW,

MOVIE STARS AND MILLIONAIRES IN YOUR WALLET?

I MEAN, COME ON, THEY ARE STILL AROUND.

SO YOU KNOW.

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

THEY HAVE FANCY, EXPENSIVE LAWYERS

NEGOTIATING THEIR CONTRACTS.

YOU ALWAYS GOT TO READ THE FINE PRINT.

MY DREAMS HAVE FINALLY STARTED TO COME TRUE,

AND NOW, NOW-...OK, OK.

I'll GIVE IT ALL BACK, THAT'S IT.

TAKE IT ALL, THE OFFICE, THE PROMOTION,

EVEN MY CHOCOLATE...

YOU CAN KEEP THE CHOCOLATE FIN FANGS.

NOW WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THOSE?

WHERE WE ARE GOING, THEY WOULD ONLY MELT.

OH PLEASE!

NO!

HEY, BACK OFF.

YOU ARE RUINING THE SHOES.

I'll TELL YOU WHAT.

WHAT, ANYTHING, ANYTHING!

I'll DO WHAT EVER YOU SAY.

FIRST, LET GO OF MY PANTS.

YOU ARE RUINING MY CREASE!

OH, SORRY.

OK, LOOK.

THERE IS ONE LOOP HOLE.

IF YOU CAN FIND A SUBSTITUTE,

SOMEONE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE.

I'll TAKE THE SUB INSTEAD.

BUT YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE HOUR.

AN HOUR.

OK, I CAN DO THAT.

I MEAN, COME ON, THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE OUT THERE

WHO'S AS STUPID AS I AM.

ANYTHING I CAN, UM, DO, SIR?

CHARLIE, PAL, BUDDY.

LISTEN, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE RICH, WELL-LIKED,

NEVER NEED A HAIR TRANSPLANT YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

JUST SIGN HERE.

HMM, WELL, IT SOUNDS GOOD.

GIVE ME A SEC.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

THE FINE PRINT WILL GET YOU EVERY...

AH-HA!

NO, UH HUH NO, UH HUH.

ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD SIGN SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

BUT CHARLIE... CLOCK'S TICKING.

♪

OH, STANLEY.

YOU PROBABLY WANT THIS.

YOU MEAN, I GET EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED?

WHERE DO I SIGN?

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

DON'T BE A SAP.

THIS IS YOUR TICKET OUT.

- KEEP OUT OF THIS. - SAYS WHO?

STOP!

I CAN'T LET YOU DO IT.

BUT STANLEY!

I KNEW YOU COULDN'T DO IT.

JUST DON'T HAVE THAT KILLER INSTINCT KID.

OH NO!

UH!

I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS JOB.

HOW... WHAT IN THE DEVIL DO I DO NOW?

OH, GREAT CHOICE OF WORDS, STANLEY.

AH!

WHERE IS THAT THING?

♪

S-S-S-SMOKIN'!!!

FOR REAL.

IF YOU'RE THE CHERUB TAKING OVER FOR STANLEY,

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ASSUME THE KID'S DEBT.

MOI, DEBT?

HMM, I THINK NOT.

WE GOT A CONTRACT.

NOBODY GETS OUT OF A DEAL WITH ME.

WHAT SAY WE SETTLE THIS IN A CIVILIZED MANNER, OLD BOY?

♪

ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO PLAY ROUGH.

HEY!

WHAT'S WITH THE FIRM ARMS?

AH!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE MISSING WITH, KIDDO!

♪

OH!

AH!

♪

I'M BACK!

THAT'S TOUGH LUCK FOR YOU, PAL!

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

AH!

HEY, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING!

AH!

♪

WELCOME TO YOUR INFERNAL RESTING PLACE, KIDDO.

♪

LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND HERE, BOY.

SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

OH BEAUTIFUL!

I LOVE A TOUR.

HEY DESIREE, GET THE KIDS!

HEY, UNO MOMENTO.

I MEAN THIS PLACE CAN'T BE SO BAD IF YOU'VE GOT TV.

WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING, TOONS, FOOTBALL?

AND TODAY'S TOPIC, THE SAME AS IT WAS YESTERDAY,

MEN WHO DRESS UP LIKE THEIR GRANDMOTHERS.

LIKE THEIR GRANDMOTHERS.

NO, NOT DAYTIME TALK SHOWS!

EVERYDAY THE SAME SHOW.

OVER AND OVER.

♪

SOME OF OUR LUCKIER RESIDENTS GET TO OCCUPY THEIR TIME

WITH A LITTLE MANUAL LABOR.

HMM, WHAT ARE THEY MAKING?

POLYESTER.

EVERYONE DOWN HERE HAS TO WEAR IT.

HOLY CHAFFING!

SYNTHETIC FIBERS.

NO, SAY IT AIN'T SO!

♪

OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.

ALL YOU CAN EAT.

FINALLY, CIVILIZATION.

OK, I'll HAVE A FILET MIGNON, MASHED POTATOES,

AND A BIG SLICE OF APPLE PIE.

LIVER.

LIMA BEANS!

RICE CAKES!

THAT'S ALL WE SERVE, KIDDO.

AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME KETCHUP!

NO CONDIMENTS AVAILABLE.

NOT NOW, NOT EVER.

STOP, PLEASE!

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, IT'S TOO HORRIBLE!

BETTER GET USED TO IT,

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE A LONG TIME.

LIKE HOW LONG?

WELL, LET'S SEE.

GIVE OR TAKE A WEEK... FOREVER!

THAT'S A VERY LONG TIME.

OK, THERE'S GOT TO A BE A WAY OUT OF THIS, GOT TO THINK.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, BUB.

YOU ARE A DEAL MAKER.

HOW ABOUT A DEAL?

WE HAVE A DEAL!

SURE WE DO, BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT A NEW DEAL,

A BET, ACTUALLY, IF I WIN,

THE CONTRACT IS NULL AND VOID.

AND IF I WIN?

IF YOU WIN, I BECOME YOUR PERSONAL BUTLER

IN THIS SMELLY SAUNA.

FOREVER AND EVER.

SO WHAT SAY YOU, SIR?

YAY OR NAY?

HMM, LET ME THINK THIS OVER.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A MAN SERVANT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT AM I THINKING?

YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE MINE.

I CAN MAKE YOU DO WHATEVER I WANT YOU TOO.

OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE CHICKEN.

CHICKEN, CHICKEN!

YOUR NOSE IS GOOD FOR PICKIN'!

AH, NOBODY CALLS ME CHICKEN!

OK, WISE GUY.

NAME THE BET.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, SMOKEY.

TONIGHT, THERE IS A DISCO CONTEST AT THE COCO BONGO.

WE MEET AT MIDNIGHT.

WHOEVER CAN OUT BOOGEY THE OTHER GUY WINS.

YOU'RE ON!

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

THIS GUY IS THE MOST FAMOUS DISCO DANCER OF ALL TIME.

YEAH, SO?

HE'S ALSO A CLIENT OF MINE.

I TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.

OH REALLY?

SEE YOU AT MIDNIGHT SUCKER.

♪

AT THE TONE, THE TIME WILL BE TWELVE MIDNIGHT EXACTLY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A SPECIAL DISCO CONTEST TONIGHT,

WITH TWO CONTESTANTS ONLY.

BUB AND THE MASK!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, YOU ARE TOO KIND.

THANK YOU SO... ♪

TOP THAT WISE GUY!

NO PROBLEMO!

BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY WE MAKE THAT LITTLE BOOM BOX OF YOURS

GO BOOM.

WHOA!

I SEE A LOT OF GIMMICKS, KIDDO,

BUT I DON'T SEE ANY DANCING.

THEN PLEASE TO WATCH CAREFULLY,

MY CAPITALIST FRIEND.

HEY!

♪

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

WATCH THIS!

BIG FINISH NOW, I'll CATCH YOU.

I PROMISE.

♪

OOPS, HAD MY FINGERS CROSSED.

AYE-YI-YA!

PINEAPPLE.

OH, THE BIRTHDAY PINEAPPLE, HA, HA, HA.

I MEANT HAND GRENADE.

EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

IT'S ALL OVER.

YAY!

AND THE WINNER!

YOW!

IT AIN'T OVER YET.

I'VE GOT ONE MORE SIP.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

DOUBLE OR NOTHING?

YOU'RE ON.

SIGN RIGHT HERE.

♪

NOBODY CAN DO SPLITS LIKE ME.

♪

OH, NO?

NOW, I CALL THIS THE WA-TOOSY.

HOW ABOUT THE WA-THREESY?

WA-TOOSY ANYONE?

SOMEBODY STOP US.

HEY, WAIT, WAIT!

I... I'VE GOT... I... I...

BUB, OH, BUB!

HI, I'M RUNNING A LITTLE LOW ON ICE.

YES, SIR, RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

OH AND UH BUB, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

HOW ABOUT RUNNING OUT AND PICKING UP SOME STEAKS

FOR DINNER, AND SOME CAVIAR TOO?

LISTEN, IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO...

UH, UH, UH, UH, UH.

WE'VE GOT A DEAL.

♪

OOH!

THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW!

NOW, THIS IS WHAT I CALL HEAVEN.

♪