Original subtitles

The Argyle is having a few tiny financial issues.

When my father started this place,

do you think he was thinking about money?

I've just got a little budget here for Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

The Peasant Show? Yeah.

OK. Not going to happen.

We've got this new CEO. She's really throwing her weight around.

Did you get the email I sent you about the Pulse 54 program?

Mum, I'm a gay man and an actor. Sorry. What?

Oh, that. Yeah.

I barely even notice that anymore.

Ha! Ha!

Margie's cast me in her French play about a peasant.

This isn't happening. Oh, dear.

She has got to go. And I'm more than happy to pull the trigger.

Oh, no. This is bad.

Do we think she's seen this or...?

Just came out this morning. OK.

I just can't imagine having a sister this famous.

Oh, poor Margie. I'll turn the wi-fi off.

Hello?

Morning, everyone. Oh, Kat, I love your hair.

Whoa! Kat's got a new fringe, everyone.

I've had it for ages, actually.

You know, I find, with my hair,

I just kind of need to follow the natural rhythm, you know?

It tells me which way it wants to go in the morning.

Mm. You look great. Thank you.

(SINGS) # Wind or rain

# Doesn't matter

# Snow or sun

# That's just the weather... #

Margie, here you are. 10am start today, is it?

Hey, have you seen Kat's new fringe? Look at this.

Very stylish and groovy, Kat.

Can we talk spending now, please, Margie?

Hey, how was your weekend, Julia? Did you have any hot dates?

Come on. Don't be silly.

I don't think anyone's still looking for love at this age.

I'm still looking for love at any age.

I've actually found my 40s to be my most sexually active.

I feel like I'm really in my body.

Right. Yeah.

Like I'm really sitting in my sex.

OK.

I'm feeling good. I don't feel dried up or...

Hey, Mum. Oh, hello, darling.

How are we? Hello, son.

Son. Son. Son. Son. That's my mum.

Son.

That's my mum. Sorry, what the hell is this?

Day one of rehearsal for us, and we are getting into character.

Chookas. Thank you.

I want to learn everything there is to know about the craft.

Oh, no. Don't start saying 'the craft'. Yuck.

We meeting, Julia?

Uh, yes. In fact, here's my son.

Come to Mummy. Come on in.

Oh, um, we're doing a little, um...

Mum.

Yeah. Mama.

Bubby wants a cuddle from Mama.

Waahh... I don't really know what I'm doing.

Alright, I think that's enough. But we have made the point.

Sorry about that. Let's go.

Thanks, Christian. OK.

Yeah. No improv from the admin team. Thank you.

No.

Was that workplace harassment? Do I need to report myself?

Let's stop talking about it. OK.

Alright. Talk to me about the Sydney Theatre Company.

Mm. How are they making so much money?

Big names, mainly. Big names. Like who?

Well, Caitlen Allard for one.

THE Caitlen Allard. Yeah.

Wow. She does stuff for them.

Yeah.

She wouldn't do a show for us, would she?

Well, she has, back when their father was still alive.

Whose father? She's... She's Margie's sister.

You didn't know? Oh. I'm sorry. What?

Different mother, different surname, different vibe.

Let's get her in here. I don't think that's a good idea

because, um, they don't get along very well.

Even better. Let's get Carmel on the line.

We can't afford Caitlen and I need to stress that.

Don't worry about that. I'll find the money.

OK. I'll find us a new donor.

I'll go one better. I will get us a new sponsor.

But until then, it's still essential spending only.

Alright?

I'm writing that down so I don't forget.

MARGIE: Mother's been shopping!

These are absolutely beautiful.

They are all handcrafted.

I commissioned a local artist,

and if you look on the bottom,

they are individually inscribed with words by me.

"I drew a pattern of a majestic woman

"and sewed all night and..."

I think they ran out of room on that one.

Oh, I love it.

Did I hear the word 'handcrafted'? How much did these cost us?

A thousand. What?

Oh, four thous... 4,000...dollars?!

They are cute.

What does yours say, Christian?

"Christian." Oh, that's lovely.

Says it all. Yeah.

I just feel like things have been really hard lately, you know?

So, I wanted to acknowledge that and hold space.

Um, is there anything you've been sitting with, Julia?

I've been sitting with a lot of debt and a crazy spendthrift.

So, no kookaburra for me, thank you.

No. There is. There it is.

It's nice.

"Your strength lies elsewhere."

Mm. Chookas.

That was a total chookas. OK. What is the 'chookas' thing?

Last week, it was eggs, then kookaburras, now chookas.

Why are you all poultry obsessed?

In the theatre it's bad luck to say 'good luck'.

So, we say 'chookas'.

Chookas. ALL: Chookas.

I don't have time. I'm chasing new sponsors.

Oh, that's good,

because I've been thinking, during Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre,

we could project my face on the back of the theatre,

and I'd just be crying in a continual loop.

I thought maybe Russell Crowe... Well, chookas...

..if you think we're paying for that.

Oh, chookas to you if you think you're not paying for that. OK?

Chookas to you. Chookas. OK. Chookas.

Oh, no, chookas. Chookas.

Ooh! What?

Really? Why can't I...?

Put that...away. Chookas.

Actually. Yes.

Chookas.

Mm. Hmm?

Oh... Can we turn the internet back on, please, Donna?

Oh, your mum is a hard nut to crack, isn't she?

Yeah. Sorry.

No, I just hope she doesn't ruin our play with her budgets.

Yeah. Me too.

Oh, you were going to tell me about the, uh, Smirnov acting method?

Stanislavski. Oh, yeah. Stanislavski. Yeah.

OK. You know what I really feel like, actually?

One of those yummy fish bowl salad things and a green juice.

Ooh, yum. Yum. Ooh, yum. Yum.

Yeah.

You want me to get it? Yes, please.

OK. Yeah.

It's part of the relationship building.

Yeah. Alright. Thanks. (SIGHS)

Internet's back on. Oh, good. Finally.

Faaaa...!

Hello? Hello?

Oh, God. What a smell.

Kat? Kat? A homeless man has just walked right in.

Really? Yeah.

The man in the trench coat with the blood curdling BO.

Yeah, well, you've just described every actor in Melbourne, so...

Oh, Ryan,

how dare you put your finger up at me in a meeting?

Well, how dare you not give Margie the budget she needs for her play?

It has to be unlimited, Mum. OK?

It's really starting to affect our working relationship.

Working relationship? Oh, darling, she's taking you for a ride.

No. She's not. She literally sees something in me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and deliver her lunch

and clean her office.

OK, good. Yes. Please get out of here

because I'm waiting for a very important sponsor.

Go on. I'm going to get us the money for a massive star. Off you go.

No, wait. Who's the massive star? Not your business.

No! Mum! Come on. It is my... Come on.

It's Caitlen Allard.

No way. Yes, way.

No, there is no way you're getting Caitlen Allard. Literally.

That's a chookas.

That is a hard chookas.

She's in Marvel movies.

Maybe like... MARGIE: Donna? Jacob?

You know what? I'm happy for her.

Who, bub? Caitlen.

She's doing an off Broadway show. What? No way. I didn't know that.

Did you know that? I didn't know that.

Really? 'Cause it's everywhere. Yep. Off Broadway.

Which is even cooler than on Broadway.

So, of course she gets to do that.

You know, she's probably trying to claw back some credibility.

But, honestly, who cares?

You know what I mean? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?

No-one cares. You know what I mean? No-one...no-one cares about it.

You know? But I just wish her so much happiness and luck, you know?

Like, good luck, Caitlen. You know? Slay!

Slay!

You know what? Let's get on with actual work.

I mean, it is giving peasant. Absolutely.

You know what I mean? Yes.

I just destroyed Mum over your budgets.

You should have seen me. Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Did you just heat those up in the microwave?

Yeah, they're in the freezer if you want them.

Is this black or...?

No nugget fingers. Sorry.

Mum reckons she's getting a big star.

What? DONNA AND JACOB: What?

Yeah. Get ready for this, Caitlen Allard.

Like... What?!

Can you believe that? She's, like, the best actor.

No! Come, come, come, come. What?!

Grab your nugs. Let's go. What did I say?

What are you talking about?

Oh, what did I do?

Caitlen is her sister.

She's just gonna waltz back in here. Great.

I am so sorry you had to hear that from Greasy Nugs.

I mean, what's going on? You know, Papa took me to Paris.

Me. I know, babe. I know.

You know, I could have sold out to Hollywood.

My phone was ringing, you know?

But I stayed at the theatre. You know, the true craft.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're an icon.

You know, I've often thought to myself, you know what?

If Steven Spielberg called me up

and said, "Margie, you know, we've got a film for you here.

"It's a role written just for you, and we'll fly you over first class.

"Hope your passport's ready."

And then I get off at the other side.

And, you know, the driver picks me up and takes me to Chateau Marmont.

I'd say, "No, thank you."

No. That's right. Because you're the bigger person.

Yeah.

I've got to get rid of Julia. That's it.

Yeah. What are you thinking?

Push her down the stairs? Or months of emotional bullying?

Well, neither of those.

Do a play about... This is the main office.

Ah, Christian. Yes.

This is Nick, CEO of Chevy's Chicken.

Wow! I love your Friday night chicken meal for one deal. Big fan.

I came up with that. Really?

Yeah. I haven't eaten it, obviously. Yeah. OK.

Nick's in my Pulse 54 community. We're, like, the cool group.

You, me, Scott. Mm.

A bit like the cool group at school. I'm just kidding.

Have you managed to meet up with Scott yet?

I keep trying to pin him down for a one-on-one, but he's so busy.

No. Apparently he doesn't do one-on-ones.

I'm a Pilates freak myself.

Same sesh every Tuesday for the last seven years.

That's good. Me and the gals.

Let's just go through to my office.

They're going through a lot. I'm happy to be there with them

to, um, do Pilates.

Do you do Pilates?

Yeah. Grab a seat.

I just wanted to bring you in

to just to talk a little bit about the acting process.

You know, you can access whatever you want for a character.

Yeah? Stuff from your childhood. Right.

Like, when did your dad leave? I was heaps young.

Dad said Mum went psycho after having me. He had to go.

Sad and shit. OK. Yeah.

And what was his name? Tom.

Mm. Tom.

And where were you living at that point?

Camberwell, I think. Or...

And... OK. I reckon we can use some of that.

So, let's... You know, how are you feeling? Dad. What's coming to mind?

He's walking away. He's walking away.

He's walking away from you. And how do you feel?

I feel sad. Yeah.

What do you say? What do you say to Dad when he's walking away?

I just say, "Dad, come back! Please. Please come back.

"Why are you leaving me?"

OK. Yeah.

You know, you actually have a really raw quality.

I haven't seen it before. It's fascinating.

Thanks.

Makes me thirsty. For the stage.

No. A latte. Oh.

Mm. I could get you one.

Thank you. Oat. Yeah. Sure.

Don't go to the one down there. Go to the other one.

It's a bit further, but it's better.

Thank you.

Appreciate you taking the time to come in, Nick. So here's the pitch.

Chevy's Chickens sponsors the Argyle Theatre.

Why? Because I'm gay.

Because I know PETA is trying to shut you down.

Battery hens, Nick. Those crazy lefties.

Can't even think for themselves.

I know. I don't like them either.

Speaking of, did you know, in the theatre,

it's bad luck to say 'good luck'.

They say 'chookas'. Chookas.

Chookas. Chookas.

Yeah, so, I'm offering you an exclusive sponsorship deal

for $150,000.

Stay with me. Every play we put on,

someone in a Chevy's costume walks on stage

carrying a roast chicken and says...

Chookas. Chookas.

Suddenly, everyone is saying,

"Oh, Chevy's Chickens champions the arts."

It's not the worst idea I've heard.

(ALARM WAILS)

Uh, just wait. That might just be one of Margie's warm-ups.

No, I think that's real. OK. Let's go.

Ah! What's going on?

Is someone sorting this out?

I'll turn it off. Thank you. I think we're good.

Oh, my God, Christian, it's the homeless guy.

He was cooking in the rehearsal space.

I think it's seafood. It stinks.

Is there a sewage leak in here. MARGIE: Hello, hello, hello!

(UNDER HER BREATH) I think it's the man.

Marcel...

Margie! Mmm!

Oh... OK.

No kissing in the workplace, please.

Alright, everyone. This is Marcel Demarest.

He's our artist in residence all this week.

He's also agreed to run

an Accessing Your Inner Clown workshop this afternoon,

exclusively for us.

Surprise! What?

I am all the way from France

to tell you that none of you are being your honest, true selves.

You are all pieces of shit.

MARGIE: Mm. Challenging.

He's a world-renowned clowning expert.

God, how much is this costing us?

You. You. Oh...

You have a very tight, trapped energy.

Yes, that's what I've been saying. Hmm?

She's got no access to her emotions.

I studied under Marcel in France.

(SING-SONG) # I'm one of his disciples

# One of his disciples... # Hey... (LAUGHS)

Oh...listen to him. Om...

(BOTH LAUGH) Best years of my life.

How did that trench coat get through Customs?

Margie, can we have a word, please? What? What do you want?

Let's talk outside.

In the fresh air.

God. Alright, I'll be back. OK?

(BOTH SPEAK FRENCH)

Ah, oui. A bientot. D'accord. Au revoir, Margie.

(BURPS) Pardon.

What? What do you want?

He's not very funny, is he? Who?

Your homeless clown.

Marcel? Oh, no. No, you'll love him.

He's worked in corporate settings. He opened Steve Jobs right up.

Isn't he dead? Yeah. But he wasn't always dead.

Oh, this is the dumbest conversation.

The point is I've got a very important sponsor on the hook,

so leave me out of your whole clowning think tank, whatever it is.

You know, sponsors are a collective decision.

Well, not anymore. So, chookas. Oh, chookas.

Oh, chookas. Oh, chookas to you.

Oh, enough chookas! Chookas. Chookas.

Shh!

Steven Job is in a small ball, screaming.

Then, slowly, he opens his eyes.

He looks at me and he says, "Like an iPhone, but bigger."

Et voila! That is how he invented the iPad.

Unbelievable.

I am the catalyst for all this.

Nick, I thought we might take this conversation offline,

maybe go to a cafe, talk more about the sponsorship.

No, no, I think I want to stick around for this workshop.

Oh, good. Bon.

Great. Yeah. So, go and see Donna.

Jump into some comfies and I'll catch you in there.

Some whatsies? Comfies.

You can't wear that. We're gonna get right into our bodies during this.

Alright. I'll smash this.

I have been wearing this same jacket since 1992.

Well, I think that surprises no-one.

It looks good, Marcy.

Look.

You like, eh?

Yeah, look, I'll have to run it up the flagpole,

but I think we might have a deal.

Wonderful. Good decision. You won't regret it.

Mum, Margie does not want pastel-coloured comfies.

Nick, this is my son, Ryan.

Sup, bro?

Sup, Ryan? This is Nick.

Nick is the CEO of a huge hospitality company,

and he also has a partner called Michael.

Who's a man. OK.

He's a finance gay.

I'm just saying, not all gays end up in the arts.

Mum, you can't say stuff like that. Why not?

No, no. It's OK. She's right. See?

Look, when I was at uni,

I thought the drama department was the only place for me.

But then I realised that it's OK to love KPIs.

This is cooked.

You're cooked for that, Mum. That's from the horse's mouth, Ryan.

Through here. Oh, my God.

Oh! OK.

Oh! Oh!

Is that garlic or shit. Maybe both.

Is that guy living here? He pockets his hotel per diems.

Come on in, everyone.

Leave your old selves at the door and embrace your inner clown.

Oh, my God. Does she not have a sense of smell?

What's happening? I don't know, really.

(AWKWARD LAUGHTER) C'est fini.

How funny. Oh, that stuff is hilarious.

Marcel's going to do another activity for us now

about finding a character or personage, as they say in the French.

So, listen up, everyone. Ears to the front.

We're each going to get into character now.

Who is living inside you? Hmm?

Hello? Who is in there?

You. Get up.

Who is there?

Do not bore me. Hmm? Allez.

Quick. Go. Go. Go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CARTOONISH ENGLISH ACCENT) 'Ello! 'Ello!

My name's Walter.

I'm the biggest lady's man in town.

I love rock'n'roll music in my Cadillac car.

No. No. No. No.

This is based in no truth. I feel nothing. Rien!

You are... You are empty. Vide!

OK. Get off.

Get off. Get off! Yep. Empty apparently.

I didn't want to do that.

I really didn't want to do that. I don't know.

You.

(MOOING)

No! No! No! No! No! (HORN TOOTS)

I have fallen asleep, I am so bored!

I hope I die in my sleep.

Ugh!

Get out of my eyes!

Mon Dieu.

You. You. Get up.

Uh, no, I won't. Thank you.

What? You are scared? No, I'm not scared.

I just have financial reports to check.

Oh, too scared to do it. Some great corporate leader.

I will not be goaded into doing something silly

by a clown and a bunch of lefties.

Let's get out of here, Nick. Let's go and sign some contracts.

MARGIE: Yoo-hoo!

Who have we got here?

I'm Julia McNamara. Oh. Ha-ha!

(ROBOTIC VOICE) How much does that cost?

How much does that cost? I'm a corporate robot.

Is that my suit? This is something interesting.

Oh, my God. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

It's a grindset. Like a mindset.

Uh, uh... That's funny.

Silence!

I cannot feel,

but I have secrets.

Lots and lots of secrets.

How long have you been living in this corporate hell?

18 years!

Since I lived in Camberwell. What?

Oh, but, Tom! Tom!

Hey, come on! Do not leave!

Ryan, you want to jump in? Allez! Allez!

Yes. Come here!

Let Mummy look after you.

What's she doing?

Ah, oui.

Oh, my God, she's gonna breastfeed!

Oh! Hey! Hey! Whoa! No! No!

Oh! I'm Margie.

I feel my feelings.

And everything's about me.

Everyone pay attention to Margie.

Incroyable. This is real.

You see what Julia is doing here? We build.

What else? Chookas. Chookas.

Papa took me to Paris. Ooh!

And now I'm in my 40s my breasts are so fulsome.

I'm having more sex than I've ever had before.

I don't walk like that. I don't walk like that.

Julia, I would love to explore this further, huh?

That was so good.

Good commitment.

Let's all...get back to it.

OK. Wow.

Well done, everyone.

Incroyable.

(SOBS)

Nick, I'm so sorry.

I know that was upsetting. I'm... Are you alright?

I'm just... I'm a corporate robot. No. Don't be silly.

My life is meaningless. I don't even like chicken.

Everyone likes chicken. Come on.

That was very powerful. OK? Thank you.

I know what I have to do now.

I have so much to learn from you, Marcel.

So, how do I find my true self?

You move to France,

you make three payments of 467 euros,

and you smoke this.

Hey. OK.

If you have a credit card or how you say direct debit...

(SPEAKS FRENCH) ..c'est facil.

Right. Right. Yes. I'll get my wallet. Hang on. Yes.

Hey, Marcel. Have you seen that I'm doing Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

Ah, oui! Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre!

I see Caitlen is doing a show off Broadway.

Yes, I know, I know.

Why is everyone obsessed with Caitlen?

Maybe your father loved her slightly more than you.

But remember when Papa took me to Paris?

Remember we had that tiny rehearsal space in the apartment

and we'd all go...

This is so boring! Yes.

Use it for your art.

Mmm.

More wine! More fun!

Sorry, Marcel.

Don't! Don't!

Arrgh!

(LAUGHTER)

Oh! Watch out! (HORN TOOTS)

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING AND TOOTING CONTINUES)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here?

Margie just asked me to clean her office.

Oh, I saw what you... That's disgusting.

She's one of the finest actors in the country.

And you're going to do that? Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here?

Oh...

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but I've just walked in on your son

sexually interacting with that poster.

Sexually? Yes.

I was just cleaning it. I don't see tits.

It's just Windex and glass.

They're called breasts, Ryan.

And they happen to be attached to

one of the finest actors in this country.

Look, we've all thought about it, OK?

But we don't act on it.

Keep it in there.

I'm gay. What?

You know what? I've had a huge day. I'm out of here. Wow.

Ryan, why are you still here? I'm doing chores, actually.

Chores? You don't even put a plate in the dishwasher at home.

I did actually want to say, Mum, you were pretty great up there today.

Oh. Thank you.

But in future, can you please not tell Margie

things about my personal life?

Yes.

Or simulate breastfeeding? Yes. Fine.

Or do whatever it is you were doing with that poster.

Oh, OK. Yes. Anything else?

(MUFFLED SHOUTING, HORN TOOTING)

What the hell...

..is that?

(MOANING, HORN TOOTS)

MARCEL: Oh, no. No! No!

Ma cherie...

Here comes another. Oh...

Oh, wow.

(GENTLE SNORING) Good morning.

Girls are out, Margie.

Oh, we must have fallen asleep.

Oh, dear. We were having a late night...

..clown workshop, weren't we? Oh, is that what you call it?

Yeah, I was playing the role of a lonely housewife, I think.

Right. What have I been doing?

You had some really good ideas about slapstick. Tell her that.

Uh, I don't think so. No. I need to get back to my job and my life.

Great. And what about our sponsorship deal?

No, I want nothing more to do with this place. OK?

Uh, hang on a minute. We had an agreement.

The agreement is cactus. It's over. Your chook is cooked.

Oh, Nick, I think you are being a little hasty.

Hang on... Oh, no.

..'cause I've got something that might just change your mind.

Some breakfast?

Merci, Marcel.

Oh, mussels.

Yum.

Oh!

No, Marcel. No more mussels, please.

Ah, Marguerite. Julia.

I was hoping you would still be here.

Hey, if anyone's worried about what happened at our workshop last night,

it was all made up, OK?

It's called acting. That's not what I saw.

You just don't recognise artistic expression.

And you don't recognise a clown with STDs.

But the good news is I have secured

a $150,000 sponsorship from Chevy's Chooks.

Carmel is thrilled. Julia, please.

That chook guy is long gone.

I don't think so. Already signed off on it.

An exclusive deal.

Their branding on our artwork,

plus the placement of a roast chicken

in every play moving forward,

carried on by a Chevy's mascot.

That's an artistic decision.

You can't just put roast chooks into plays.

We're a roast chook nation. Everyone's going to love it.

I don't believe Nick's changed his mind.

You're bluffing. Yeah.

He didn't really have a choice.

(AUDIO ON PHONE) Oh...

I showed him that.

(LAUGHTER AND HORN TOOTS)

Didn't want his partner seeing this.

Oh. Ooh.

I look quite good there, don't I? It's a powerful angle.

I think that is the most expensive sexual congress that man's ever had.

I can't believe you used that against Nick.

That's evil, Julia.

Yep. But now we can afford a big star.

So, I just need to get a contact for Caitlen Allard's agent.

Got one? No?

Oh, well. Chookas.

# Wind and rain doesn't matter

# Doesn't matter

# Snow and sun is just the weather

# Peace and love

# Well, that's forever... #

Caitlen has

2 million online followers.

That is how you shift tickets.

Caitlen Allard, eh?

Oh, Why is everyone obsessed with her?!

I can't work out

what's going on with this dysfunctional family.

Ryan, you're young.

How do I get online followers like Caitlen.

When I do a thumbs-up, it means we're live.

What is going on out there?

(SINGS) Heyyy!

Excuse me. Who are you? Julian Assange.

I will be going full method for this role.

What are you doing at my computer?

Who has been posting about me

on the Argyle's socials account?

Oh, my God. What have you guys done?

# Wind and rain doesn't matter

# Snow and sun is just the weather

# Peace and love, well, that's forever... #

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