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1 Hey, dude, I don't remember the password. Let me in.

I think someone's following me.

Who?

Get in here. It's the doc crew.

You, too. Come on.

When I ran away from Nandor,

I didn't really know where to go.

Guillermo!

So I just flew for hours and hours.

Which was a little cool because

that was the longest I've ever stayed a bat.

But also not cool

because I knew Nandor was trying

to track me down to kill me.

Eventually, I just went to Derek because...

I had no one else to turn to.

I've just been laying low, hiding for who knows how long.

I wish they had Bravo here.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -

I think there was a van

tailing me, they may have been tailing you, too.

- Derek, that was them. - Whoa.

- You guys are good. Respect. - Derek, just promise me

you haven't told anyone else that I'm here.

Guillermo, who would I tell? Literally. My neighbor Chad?

Because... yes, actually, I did tell Chad.

This is serious, okay?

My master is actively trying to kill me. Did you bring my meat?

Yes, burgers, extra rare, just like you asked.

I tried hypnosis on the cashier so I could get them for free.

Turns out, I'm bad at it.

So, um, I don't know if you use Venmo

or maybe you're a Zelle guy...

These are not raw.

I can taste that they've kissed the grill, Derek.

- Sup, bitch? - What the hell are you doing here?

Did anyone see you? Get inside.

No, and it wouldn't matter if they did

because, hello, I'm in disguise.

Stop dancing, get inside.

How did you find me?

Your friend Derek told me where you were hiding.

I paid him a little visit

earlier today, see?

So, that was you.

Who did you think it was?

She told me her name was Detective Policeman.

- That's funny. - I'm gonna need you to do me a favor, buddy.

Can you go to the market and get me some raw, raw meat

and make sure you don't tell anyone where I'm at.

- Can you do that? - Can do, can do.

- Thank you, buddy. - Okay, great.

- Okay. Thanks so much. - See you guys in a minute.

Idiot.

Guillermo. Sit.

You simply cannot talk to the vampire who turned you

with such disrespect.

That is a sacred relationship.

You have to protect him.

Like we protect the Baron and the Sire.

If anything was to happen to that stupid man,

the effects for you, my friend, would be catastrophic.

Yes.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have spoken to Derek like that.

I'm just a little bit on edge with the whole, you know...

Nandor trying to kill you thing.

- Awkward. - Which, by the way, um...

Any progress on that end?

- Uh, yeah, um, a little. - You talked to him?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - What'd he say?

Nandor, come on.

I'm gonna murder him!

Maybe if I write him a letter...

Yeah, like if you wrote him a suicide note,

and actually followed through on it,

then that would probably cool him down.

Wow. They're really going at it, aren't they?

Why did I do this?

Look, relationships evolve.

Like me and those Antipaxon people who work at the diner.

At first, I was just using them to get rid of my hex.

But then it turned out...

I really like hanging out with those guys.

I know you didn't mean...

I know you didn't mean

for things to turn out this way,

but I think it's time

you need to accept... You know what?

Hang on, I cannot take this anymore!

Yeah!

It's hard, you know.

To know that you've done something,

that you messed up but you can't...

fix it and...

And she's joined them.

Night after night, I hunt.

I cannot rest until Guillermo has taken his last breath

and I feel his bones crunch under my boots.

So I've been watching the one place

I know he will return to eventually...

Panera Bread.

I've got you now.

He can run,

but he cannot run far.

Because he has very short legs.

Guillermo, now you will die.

I-I didn't do anything.

Those that betray me will pay the ultimate price, Guillermo.

And this disguise

that has slightly altered your appearance

does not fool me.

I'm not Guillermo! I'm not Guillermo!

I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.

- Patton Oswalt? - Yeah.

- An actor? - Yes!

What would I know you from?

- I was in Ratatouille. - Is that a movie?

It's... It was animated.

I was the voice of a rat.

- I prefer live action. - Uh...

Do you know John Slattery?

I don't know him personally, I know of him.

- He seems really cool. - He is.

Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...

- Oh... - My apologies, Patton Oswalt.

You are respectful, unlike Guillermo.

I have been lying in wait for him

on the top of that building there.

It's only a matter of time

before he returns to Panera Bread,

like a gazelle to his watering hole.

And when he does, I will strike.

Are you sure it's that Panera Bread?

- What do you mean? - There's a lot of Panera Breads.

They're... They're all over the city.

Shit.

Who is it?

Gigi?

- Hello. - What are you doing here?

- How did you find me? - Oh, I just...

took a map of Staten Island and laid it over a grid

and looked for any motel that shared a square

with an Arby's, a party store or a sweater shop.

Well, I'm not near any of those things.

Yeah, I know, so I just asked Nadja.

Great. What do you want?

First off, I just want to wish you good luck.

You're a nice enough guy caught in a bad sitch.

I-I don't think any of us were hoping for this outcome for you.

Thank you.

Secondly, I am here to conduct your exit interview,

from your job as a familiar.

And also your life, so...

Have a seat. I don't want to take up too much of your time,

I know it's valuable.

Because there's so little of it left.

Okay.

Familiar exit interview, 10:47 p.m.,

Colin Robinson conducting interview.

Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"

what's prompting you to leave your job?

Nandor trying to kill me.

And... what was your salary as a familiar?

Oh, I don't get paid.

No, but honestly, for this to work,

I kind of need a ballpark figure.

$500, $550 a week?

- I don't get paid. - Uh-huh.

And do you think we can get away with

not paying the next person?

Okay. This interview's over.

Interview concluded by subject

who was cooperative and at times almost articulate.

Okay, thank you.

This is just from me.

It was nice having you in the house.

Thanks, Colin.

"Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four Sales Leader, 1977."

I got it at estate sale, but y-you get the drift.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

I think what bugs me the most

is that I have given Guillermo my friendship.

This is a gift I do not give to just anyone.

Uh, you know, friendship has to be... earned.

How is your, um...

- Turkey Bacon Bravo. - Yes.

It is, it's good.

And I usually get the bread bowls here...

I think what it is

is that I thought Guillermo had earned it.

You are a good listener, Patton Oswalt.

You know, it's funny because something like this

happened with me a couple years ago with my manager, we...

- Shh. Just listen. - Oh...

We are not talking about you right now,

are we, Patton Oswalt?

- No, we're not. - Mm.

- So, go on. - Thank you.

Who is it?

Housekeeping.

- I should ask how you found out where... - Shh, shh.

What?

I'm guessing you're content with your...

toilet paper situation?

Yes, thank you.

All right.

Then I will...

leave you to watch the television for the evening.

And I will say... goodbye.

- Sit down. - What's going on?

I must apologize, Gizmo, I feel like I've let you down.

All those science experiments,

they were nothing but a blind alley.

Laszlo, you tried your best.

No, there's been something I...

You-you should probably put something on

that's a bit louder than this.

Otherwise, it won't drown our voices out.

That's better.

I've known you since you were a young familiar.

And I may have been hard on you in the past,

and, uh...

Could you put something that...

is as loud but less percussive?

Sport, yes, that's better.

And I say, does that thing have any...

programs of the adult variety?

Uh, I suppose, yeah.

There you go.

You were saying?

- Sorry? - You were saying?

Yes. I was saying...

I've known you since you were...

a young fa...

What do you think they're gonna do?

- Yeah, Laszlo... - Yes, yes,

s-sorry, since you were a young familiar.

And, uh, I'm about to tell you something now

that I've never told anyone else before.

- L-Laszlo? - Good grief.

You were going to tell me something

- you never told anyone before... ? - Shh.

You might have to give me a minute.

So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.

If I would've known how...

my last couple of days would play out,

how the last couple of months...

I would've never asked Derek to turn me.

It's not that I don't want to die,

and trust me, I really, really don't want to die,

but I'm just more afraid of losing the vampires.

My friends.

I always figured if I got turned into a vampire

that it would... bring me closer to them.

But it's just left me feeling more alone than ever.

Nandor, can I ask you a question?

Yes, Patton Oswalt.

Your friendship with Guillermo is very special, right?

I thought it was.

And I bet...

killing a friend...

would really hurt.

I imagine it would be one of the worst feelings

a person could have.

So, what if you...

repair the friendship?

- You repair it... - So you're saying

that I should not kill my former friend?

- Uh, yes, you-you... - This is your suggestion?

Well, you know, you rebuild...

After hearing my tale of deceit and betrayal?

All that betray me must be destroyed.

- Wait, wait... - Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.

He does make a good point, though.

... arm, and a block of...

Of course.

Hi. I just came by to pay you my condolences.

"Sorry for your loss of your life."

Is there anyone who doesn't know that I'm here?

Well, I'm usually the last one to know, so probably not.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

And then I also brought some friends

who wanted to say goodbye.

Hiya, Daddy.

- Hey. - Guide lady said you're going off

- to a big, beautiful... - Hey, big guy.

... farm in the sky.

- Can we come? - Oh...

- No, buddy. - Aw.

There's no room at the farm.

"In the death of a good man,

eternity is seen looking through time."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Okay.

So... Oh.

Sorry. Hola, Ma.

Hello, Guillermo.

- I've been looking for you. - Where are you?

Oh, I'm right here having a nice conversation with your mother.

In her apartment. Where she lives.

My mother has nothing to do with this.

If you touch her, I swear...

Well, you know where I am. Why don't you come over here

and we can discuss what happens next.

I have to go.

- Bye, Daddy. - Have you checked out already?

- Or is it okay if we hang here? - He's not coming back.

Ah, come on, you stupid...

- Get away from her. - Guillermo.

I'll be back, okay? ¿Cómo está, mijo?

- Hey, Mami. - Mwah.

Don't be long, Sylvia.

Still want to see the photographs of Guillermo in this gotico phase.

You can kill me if you want, but you leave her out of this, okay?

Oh, I know I could kill you.

And you'd deserve it.

But I have decided not to.

Yeah, well, I don't believe you.

No, of course you don't.

But something happened recently and...

it's made me change my mind.

- Oh, yeah? What? - My friend Patton Oswalt.

He passed away quite suddenly. And, um...

it didn't feel good losing a friend.

- How do I know you're telling the truth? - Because I give you my word as a vampire.

- Not good enough. - Then I give you my word...

as a warrior.

Translation:

"If I'm lying...

then kill me now."

Then it is settled.

You'll come home with me, alive.

Mami, no!

Wow, that worked.

- Mm? - Hmm?

We return with news.

I no longer plan to kill Guillermo.

- Yay. - Yay.

He will live here in this house, with us,

as an equal.

As a vampire.

- Boo. - Where once we were four, we are now five.

I think your math is off.

If I had known Gizmo was going to stay with us,

I would've said just kill him and be done with it.

Where is he going to sit?

I-I'm not giving up my seat. So where is he going to sit?

Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot fully become a vampire

due to his Van Helsing blood.

Laszlo, Laszlo,

with all your experiments and your notetaking,

and your weird-ass, hybrid freaks,

you never thought of the simplest solution.

- Which is? - You never got Guillermo to drink human blood.

- Wait. Y-You never thought of that? - Shut up.

- I don't think I can do this. - You must.

Or else you'll be eternally frozen

in this painful, unending limbo. Now drink.

- Come on, Guillermo. - Drink, bitch.

- Yeah, drink it, bitch. - Yes. Drink it.

Swallow it all.

- Drink. Drink. - Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink!

- Swallow it. - Drink.

- Drink. - Oi, drink.

- Drink. Drink. - Drink it. Take it like a man.

Fangs.

Wow.

- Ah. - I've never felt more alive.

I really should've thought of that.

I'm a vampire.

I'm a vampire!

- I'm a vampire! - Yahoo.

Yep.

Nicely done.

One sip of blood and he's like Cornholio over here.

Yes.

He likes that.

Ooh.

Behold what I've become.

Yes, yes, we've all been there.

Why are we all sitting on our asses?

Let's do something! What do we do next?

- Get a broom. - Now, we hunt!

I'm sorry, Mommy needs to eat.

Hunt, hunt, hunt!

Hunt, hunt!

FOMO.

Which reminds me, what's the fastest way to become a millionaire?

You start as a billionaire and buy a winery.

Just a little wine humor for you.

Oh.

Sommeliers are a dying breed...

Oh. I've eaten too much. I feel sick.

Go on, Guillermo.

I bonked this one on the head just for you.

They're much easier to drain and kill

when they're not wriggling around.

Oh, no, I-I'm actually not that hungry.

Okay, well, FYI, if you leave them hanging around too long

when they're unconscious, their blood, it loses its zing.

I've never killed anyone before.

I mean, I guess dozens of vampires.

And I did bring humans

to the vampires so they could kill them.

And I've dismembered,

like, a ton of dead bodies.

But back at the restaurant, that was a real living person.

And when I leaned in to take...

I could...

smell their shampoo

and all I kept thinking was

this guy was at CVS

just sniffing away all these shampoos

and says, "Eh, I think I'll get this one

because it reminds me of where I used to go camping as a kid."

I can't do this, I'm sorry. Could we...

I can't...

Just as I feared.

Guillermo is not cut out to be a vampire.

I will fix.

You summoned me?

Yes, I wish for Guillermo...

Eh, eh, you ran out of wishes a long time ago.

Have you just been carrying me around?

- Maybe. - Yeah.

Okay, well...

Nice to see you again. You can, uh...

Can't I stretch my legs a little?

I wish I could help you, but, uh...

- That's very funny. - Get in the fucking lamp.

I didn't even know there was a special ceremony for...

Wait, what was the ceremony called again?

The Ceremony of Vampiric Transmogrification.

- Oh. - Don't be nervous, we have all been through it.

Well, is it scary?

Nothing you cannot handle.

The ancient ceremony will help hasten you along your path.

It is time.

Are you ready?

I am.

Hey.

Derek is here, too?

Yes. Fucking guy.

But ancient ritual dictates that he must be present.

- Come on. - Hey, everyone.

Hello.

- Derek. - Hey.

Vampires all, gather we here in the dark of night?

We do.

- We have made of ourselves a circle? - The circle...

- The circle unbroken. - Unbroken.

We gather here in a circle unbroken

at the crossroads between life and death.

Guillermo de la Cruz, are you prepared?

I am.

Guillermo de la Cruz, are you of sound mind

and strong of body?

I am.

A choice will be made.

This choice can only be made by you.

We vampires here are only witnesses.

Mistress of Ceremony, prepare the flames.

That's me.

Nicely done.

Guillermo de la Cruz, I will now ask you one question.

The answer must come from your heart.

For this is the last time you get to make this final choice.

- Do I make myself clear? - Mm-hmm.

The question is: Would you rather be a human...

or vampire?

A human.

As I predicted.

It's not that I don't want to be a vampire,

- I really, really do. - Sure.

- It's all the killing. - You can spare us the details, it's fine.

You want to be a human, there's no shame in that.

- We're gonna make it happen. - Wait, what?

Mistress of Ceremony, distribute the hoods.

That's me again.

- You're doing a great job. - Thank you, Derek.

- Can I get a smaller... - They're unisex.

- It's a one size fits all situation? Okay. - Yep. Mm-hmm.

Do I get a hood, or...

- Hurry it up. - I have one for you, too.

Thank you.

We blind ourselves that none may witness.

Hoods on, everyone.

♪ We blind ourselves ♪

♪ That none may see. ♪

Very nice. Proceed to position two.

I'm sorry, w-what's position two?

Just as you are, Derek, that's fine.

- Wait, what? - It is the only way, Guillermo.

- W-Won't I die, too? - No.

You'll go back to how you were when you were turned.

You'll just get a month older really quickly.

There's got to be another way.

There's no other way.

It is the only way.

- I can't do this. - Knew it.

I'm sorry, can't do what? What am I missing?

Just keep that hood on, Derek. You're doing great.

- Thank you. - You want me to do it?

- I don't know. - I do.

Give me that.

Guillermo, you okay?

- Whoa! - Um...

- Oh, shit. - Everything's kind of blurry.

I think I need my old glasses.

- Here. - Thank you.

Well, that was fun.

Can we turn the regular lights on now, please?

Oh, sure. Can somebody help me pick up all these

hoods and robes?

Eh, just leave them. Garfield will pick 'em up later.

I must say, the, uh, the banners are a lovely touch.

You know, I like them, too.

What do they mean?

I don't know, to be honest, Baron.

I just wanted something that looked cool and creepy.

Very nice, yes.

We have a sitter waiting at home, so we're gonna head out.

- Good evening. - Kalinychta.

- Bye. - Anyone up for a game of parcheesi?

Maybe a movie.

- I'm zonked. - The Brothers McMullin?

That wasn't even a real ceremony, was it?

No. I found the robes in a box in the attic and, uh...

the candles I think we got from a Home Depot?

I'm sorry, Guillermo.

It was the only way for you to figure out

what you actually wanted.

It was a horrible and hard decision.

I think you made the right choice.

I know.

Now, if you wouldn't mind clearing up Derek's corpse

before sunrise, that would be great.

Its alright I"ll give you a hand.

Thanks, Laszlo.

- You take the bag, I'll take Derek. - Okay.

Come on, old chap. You better get the door.

Mr. Necromancer?

And you have the necessary items required

for the procedure to succeed?

He means the cash.

Yeah, it was almost all the money I gave Derek

to turn me into a vampire.

He only spent like $270 on "vampire clothes"

that he got from Hot Topic.

You don't need to count it. It's all there, necromancer.

I should trust you when you when you show me no respect for me

or my beguiling powers?

Respect? For a fraud?

But you've seen my methods succeed.

I've seen your magic. It has a fraudulent vibe.

Okay, okay. Boys, why don't we focus?

He's doing his scatting shit.

Yah!

Get in, you dirty bastard!

Derek...

What's up, dude?

All right. Begone with ya.

He's all yours.

But, uh, if you're worried about taking care of him,

- we do have a new offer. - Of course you do.

- For a nominal fee... - Here he goes.

... a rehousing option.

- Topher! - No.

What the fuck?

Who calls... Topher?

What's this "Thriller" shit?

JK.

Oh, it's that guy.

- Topher! - Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?

- How you doing, Guillermo? - Topher, you look, uh...

- You look like shit. - Well, I'm au naturel, babe.

I've had some work done.

You know, I'm still undead,

but I'm making the most of it, man.

Once you get used to the zombie body,

you can actually learn to talk normal again.

Like this. Pretty cool, huh?

- He just does the accent for the tourists. - Eh, you know.

Take 'em for an arm and a leg.

Yeah, man.

Who we got here?

- Der. Ek. - Oh, hey, look at that.

Yeah, he's trying. It's gonna take him a couple months

to learn how to use the ol' mouth again.

But in the meantime, the more the merrier.

Hey, Derek. How would you like to join a gang

of crazy motherfuckers just like yourself?

There's always room for a new friend.

- Friend? - Yeah. Friend!

High five!

Oh, yeah, takes a second.

- Come on, buddy. - Whoa!

Easy, Derek.

Hey, boys, set a place at the table for our new friend Derek!

Hey, you like eating human flesh?

Oh, you will.

Very... cool.

- Bye, Derek. - Bye, Derek.

Do you take Venmo?

Venmo? I take cash, hard cash or gold coin. Or Zelle.

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