Original subtitles

# The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want

# He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

# He leadeth me

# Beside the still waters. #

Is this working, even?

Oh, yes, yes, we're on.

Greetings, fine folk of Dibley,

it's Geraldine here.

Your buxom Vicarette.

So, as we enter the fourth week of lockdown,

I know many of you are becoming anxious.

So, let me begin by saying...

...this is the end of the world.

I can absolutely promise you that...

...you are going to inevitably

catch this terrible virus and die.

There. I hope that's put your minds at rest.

Now, before I get to the religious bit, a few parish notices.

First, a message for darling Jim Trott,

and I do hope you get this, Jim.

When you see these signs...

..."M" means metres, not miles.

I know you've now been hiding in the woods for a fortnight, Jim,

but please do come home NOW.

And, er... Oh, and here's another thing that's just come in from, um,

well, it's from Owen Newitt.

"Dear Geraldine, am I right in thinking that human beings need only

"keep their social distance from other humans and that the rule

"does not apply to a human and a young, seductive,

"frisky goat, for example?"

Actually, I'll... I'll deal with that one later.

Me and the police.

So, moving on, these are very strange times, aren't they?

But for some of us, it's been a chance to read THAT book

we've always been meaning to read.

Only joking.

I've read it, of course. Well, bits of it anyway.

Mainly the saucy bits, obviously.

And the message of Easter is that things can get very bad indeed.

Crucifixion - very bad.

But like Jesus, we will rise from it stronger than ever...

..and our village is really rallying together, so if you hear people

have run out of things, please feel free to leave them

outside their door.

I, for instance, have completely run out of Easter eggs, so...

And the more you read the New Testament,

the more one simple message comes through.

We all must be gentle...

...and kind.

Go away, Frank!

You incredibly annoying old git.

God!

For, as Jesus says in the Beatitudes,

"Blessed are the peacemakers."

And finally, little hint, do try to stay healthy, won't you?

I mean, I like to exercise to music

because I find it makes the time rush by quicker,

and this is actually my favourite piece.

And relax.

There. It's exhausting, but thoroughly worthwhile.

And so, I bid you farewell. Stay safe.

Eat masses of Mars bars, and, um, bless you all for watching.

How do you turn it off?

I know, I know.

It's a hair disaster.

Top tip, never ask Owen Newitt to cut your hair.

He's used to shearing sheep,

and even they aren't happy with the service provided.

Now, erm, something very special this week.

Today, I'm going to do a Zoom call with the delightful Mrs. Uddin,

and some of the children in the village

as they're all Zooming into class at the moment.

So, erm, let's hope this works.

Um...

Abracadabra!

Hello, children.

I'm your local vicar, and I'm here to answer any questions you've got

about God, and Jesus, and all that sort of stuff.

Hello, Vicar.

The children were saying how much they're missing church.

Oh, that's lovely.

Liar.

OK, so who'd like to get us started?

Yes, Molly.

My mummy says Jesus is the best.

Hurrah! But my daddy says Dynamo is better

because he walked down the side of a building and Jesus never did.

Ah. But Jesus did lots of other amazing things.

So, who can tell me one of the amazing things Jesus did?

Did he saw a woman in half?

No. Penn & Teller sawed a woman in half.

Now, I'm sure... I'm sure they did.

So did Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He sawed LOADS of women in half.

Er... yes. I'm sorry,

I don't quite know how we've got from Jesus

to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I know! I know!

Did he turn water into wine?

He did! Yes! Well done.

And he also fed 5,000 people

with just five loaves and two fishes.

I've been to a restaurant like that.

Yes...

But the most amazing thing Jesus did

was he actually brought someone,

a man called Lazarus, back from the dead.

Just the one?

Well, yes.

I mean, how many do you need?

He brought a bloke back to life. It's a miracle.

If I found I could bring someone back from the dead,

I'll do it all the time, not just once.

- Um... - So would I. - So would I. - Me too.

So, why didn't he?

Well... the simple answer to that is because...

Oh, dear.

It looks like her screen's frozen.

No, it hasn't!

I can see her moving.

No, you can't.

There. She blinked.

I did not blink, I...

Kids. Don't you love 'em?

Grrr!

And that leads me to my message of the week -

don't have children.

No. Only kidding.

Sort of. My real message is, as we know from the Bible,

miracles DO happen, and we WILL get through Covid together.

Bless you for watching, and never forget -

your children are the most precious thing you have.

So sell them and buy a Porsche.

Hello.

Today, I'd like to deal with

how tricky a lot of people are finding lockdown.

I'm going to play a conversation I had with Hugo Horton,

which illustrates a problem many of us are facing.

Oh, good.

- Hello, Vicar. - Hugo!

Are you hiding in the toilet?

Yes. I don't want my father listening.

Right. How can I help you?

- Er, well, it's about this lockdown business. - Right?

You see, the thing is, Father and I have been locked down together

for so long, he keeps forgetting what he's told me,

so he keeps telling me things he's told me before.

I know. You've told me this before.

For instance, the other day we were having chicken for lunch...

Stop me if I've told you this before. - You've told me this before.

Suddenly, he said to me,

"Stop me if I've told you this before."

Yes, you've told me this before.

Then he launched into a story he's told me many times,

which I won't bore you with now.

- Good. - About the time they had vegetarian lasagne

at the golf club dinner.

So, naturally, as soon as he started, I shouted,

"For God's sake, stop.

"I never want to hear any of your stories again."

For God's sake, stop! I never want to hear any of your stories again!

- Yes, yes. Well, not quite as angrily as that. - Sorry.

And then he stopped, and then after a slightly awkward 45 minutes,

eventually I said, "I'm sorry, Father,

"it's this bloody lockdown business.

"Actually, I love your stories."

And then he told me his Earl's Court Motor Show story,

which is his most tedious story of all,

which I definitely won't bore you with. - Good.

- About the time he went to the Motor Show in 1972 and... - No.

And we'll leave it there.

But my message for this Sunday is this -

times are tough, but let's all be forgiving,

just like Jesus was when he said to Judas,

"It doesn't matter, mate! Grr!"

And finally, a reminder to keep washing your hands, please.

And here's... Actually, here's a tip.

If you're getting bored singing Happy Birthday twice through,

I've discovered that the time it takes to wash my hands properly

is precisely the time it takes for a Ferrero Rocher

to disintegrate on your tongue if you don't chew,

and I'm now washing my hands 20 times a day.

So, see you next week.

I'm just going to go and, er, "wash my hands".

OK. Right, well, this isn't great...

...because I'm a TINY bit drunk.

Note to self, do not leave recording sermon till Saturday night

and do not think "Advocaat - it can't be real alcohol

"because it tastes so much like custard."

Anyway, down to business, perhaps with...

...I'll just have one little stiffener.

Mm, it's custard.

Firstly, massive brownie points to all who joined the village quiz,

though I'm told there's been some controversy

about some of the answers.

So I just want to repeat,

the German national airline is Lufthansa...

...not the Luftwaffe.

And Jerome K. Jerome wrote Three Men In A Boat,

not Three Men In A Baby,

thank the Lord.

But...

...be still, my beating heart... I've totted up the totals

and the results are as follows.

With one point...

...the Maynard family.

So I declare the Maynard family the winners!

Yay!

And they'll be receiving a case of this wine

from Owen Newitt's vineyard.

I can heartily recommend it.

Not to drink, obvs,

but it's an amazingly effective toilet cleaner...

...which brings me neatly to my thought for the week.

Last September, Owen came to see me.

He said that his sister was having a downstairs toilet put in

and she wanted a celebrity to open it.

I said, "Well, I wouldn't call myself a celebrity exactly."

And he said, well, nor would he,

but he'd asked Michelle Obama and she'd said no.

And it was due to be the very next day. So I said that I would do it,

and then I asked him where in Dibley his sister lived and he said that

his sister didn't live in Dibley, she'd moved to Cheltenham.

So I spent all night writing the speech

and at 6 o'clock a.m. we set off for Cheltenham on Owen's tractor.

And five hours later we eventually get to Owen's sister's house

and Owen proudly says, "We've come to open your new toilet."

And Owen's sister says, "I don't have a new toilet.

"It's your other sister who's got the new toilet,

"the one who lives in Dibley."

So we climb back onto the tractor,

and five hours later we get back to Dibley

and we call on Owen's other sister and Owen proudly says,

"We've come to open your new toilet."

And Owen's sister says,

"That's not Michelle Obama!" And slams the door in our face.

And then I knock on the door

and ask if I could actually use the new toilet

because I've been on a tractor for ten hours,

and she says, "No. The builder hasn't finished it yet."

And I remember thinking

that THAT was the most pointless day of my entire life.

And yet,

as we enter the 14th week of lockdown,

I long for a day like that.

So, my message is,

when we're allowed out,

let's appreciate each God-given day, even if it's spent

in the company of a total idiot who smells like a wet dog

who's just had a long swim in a septic tank.

We are so lucky to be alive.

And there's always this to take the edge off things,

isn't there?

Mm. Lovely custard.

Meanwhile, keep doing the quizzes, keep clapping our carers,

and yes, yes, I do know that in the village newsletter it says

"Keep giving our carers the clap"!

Don't do that!

And, above all, keep well.

Praise the Lord and bless you all for watching.

# The hills are alive

# With the sound of music

# With songs they have sung

# For a thousand years... #

TUNELESSLY: # Ah, ah, ah, ah. #

That last bit of singing was actually me, not Julie Andrews.

I know! It's amazing, isn't it? Which is exactly how I feel

about finally being allowed out.

Yes!

What a wonderful world.

And thank you, Owen Newitt,

for filming me right now. No. Owen! Owen!

Don't do that! No, no, no.

And what a miracle it is

that at last we can walk around our beautiful, beautiful village...

Owen. Owen!

No, don't look at that. Focus on me!

And what a joy it is

to be able to tell you that the church is open at last!

And what a relief cos I can finally let Mr. Timkins out.

Unfortunately he was sorting out all the flowers in there

when Boris announced the lockdown,

so he's been trapped in there for three and a half months.

Oops! Sorry about that.

But, you know, rules is rules.

It's been a really tricky month, hasn't it?

The exam fiasco,

and they told us that the process was "robust".

Now they've finally admitted it was just "bust".

I was talking to David Horton this morning, actually,

and he resolutely believes that

he lives in the greatest country in the world.

But, of course, he's moved to Monaco,

so that's not that surprising.

Oh, some very good news is that my god-daughter

has got into Oxford.

Yay! We're so thrilled for her

because she's the first one in that family to achieve that feat.

Although I do remember a couple of years ago,

her lovely mum, Alice,

telling me very proudly that SHE was the first to go to Oxford.

She went to Primark.

She had a lovely, lovely time.

So anyway, I'm going to just sit down on this bench, here,

for a minute

because there's something I want to talk to you about.

Ooh! Oh, this is new, isn't it? Look at that, Owen.

"In loving memory of Valerie Price,

"Dribley Parish Council."

It's very nearly right, isn't it?

And there's something here as well. Look at that.

"This is the bench where Lee Brook shagged Amelia Croft."

No, no, no. Don't bother with that. That's just rude.

OK, sit down here, sit down here.

So...

Move back a bit. That's it.

Right, down to business.

Like a lot of people all over world,

this last week

I've been thinking about this Black Lives Matter thing,

and the horror show that was the murder of George Floyd.

Now, this is tricky for us in "Dribley"

because we're not the most diverse community,

but, you know, I don't think it matters where you're from,

I think it matters that you do something about it,

because Jesus would, wouldn't he?

And, erm, listen.

I'm aware that all lives matter, obviously,

but until all lives matter the SAME,

we're doing something very wrong.

So I think we need to focus on justice

for a huge chunk of our countrymen and women

who seem to have a very bad, weird deal

from the day they're born. So, follow me.

I think that in Dibley,

perhaps we should think about

taking down some of these old notices,

like this...

...and that!

And perhaps...

...we put up one like this instead.

OK. Friends, dear friends.

This is going to be a weird one.

It's about love, and laughter, and loss,

because Dibley is full of such life, but everywhere I go now,

every time I'm standing in my kitchen,

every time I go into the vestry,

it's always little Alice Tinker I see.

And she died three years ago this week.

Who is the person I've most loved in my life?

Well, I'm very fond of my handsome husband,

but, in the end, it's got to be her.

My own darling dumb blonde.

She had one husband, six children

and three brain cells,

but so much love in her heart,

she could defrost a frozen pizza on a winter's day.

She wasn't the brightest bulb in the box,

but when we lost her, all our lights went out.

I remember when it happened.

She went to the hospital for some tests

and they came back positive...

...and she was over the moon

because she knew that being positive in life was a very good thing.

But it wasn't good.

Cancer caught her on the hop

and knocked her down in a trice.

The first time I met Alice,

I remember thinking, "Oh, Christmas!

"What am I going to do about this?

"I'm a new vicar with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom

"in a village that doesn't want me.

"And my vital verger is a total numpty who can't believe

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not butter!"

I remember her once explaining to me how babies are born.

What can I say?

It had to do with a spoon and some honey

and lying on a sofa singing

"If you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise."

It didn't, as we say these days,

exactly "follow the science".

But then, as I got to know her better,

fear and dread turned into love.

We found a way of living together in perfect harmony.

Her view of Christianity was very simple.

God was a jolly nice chap,

Satan was a very naughty boy indeed,

and the Bible was a cracking read

that went off a bit after the lead character was crucified.

And now she's gone.

It was the dark night of my soul.

But now, three years later,

what's happened is that those terrible last few months

have become just a small part of her story,

and we've been able to claim back all of the happiness

of the whole life of the woman who was Alice Tinker.

I believe in eternal life in heaven.

But I also believe in eternal life on Earth,

because those who die are eternally here,

alive in our memories and in who we are,

because of how...

...because of how they changed us.

And someone whose final request

was for her coffin to be carried into the church

by six people dressed as Peppa Pig

will never be forgotten.

So, message for the day,

love the ones you're with,

especially in these hardest of times,

and God bless you all.

Hello there! Exciting week!

As you know, the masks that we were told were unnecessary and pointless

have now been declared vital and compulsory.

So today, I have the results of

the Great Dibley Mask Design Competition. Yes!

I'm going to try to show as many of the entrants as I can.

First, Category One, and I've tried them all on,

is "Misunderstandings".

This one, for instance...

...and this...

...and this.

Marvellous work, everyone,

but perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I did.

We were really looking for Covid masks,

not Halloween/made-by-a-serial-killer masks.

So we move on to those that actually qualify.

This one was probably still a little bit too weird.

It's a cabbage leaf

and reminds me too much of my first boyfriend's complexion,

to be honest.

And this one is, well, it is what it is.

It's an egg box.

And this one is...

...a shoe.

So, in the end, these are our three winners, right?

In third place, from George Strout...

...it's a pair of underpants.

Though it might have been a nice idea to wash them first, George.

Urgh!

And from Amelia Kitteridge, this!

Nice! Very safe indeed.

And in first place...

No, no, no, no. Whoops. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's my husband's message to me. Sorry, sorry.

And in first place, the winner,

it's got to be this one.

It's from our local nurse, Sarah Farrell.

And if it's good enough for the NHS,

it's certainly good enough for the rest of us.

Without the NHS, all of us would be losers.

And this is my message to all of you.

Bless the NHS.

See you next week, folks.

Yes, er, hello there.

Er, oh, great to see you.

Er, my name is Hugo Horton and the vicar has asked me

to do the sermon this week because she and her husband, Harry,

have gone away on a last-minute pre-lockdown pilgrimage

to Cadbury World.

Anyway, she chose me because, well, I've got a bit of time on my hands

because my father, David Horton, moved to Monaco in the summer

and married my new stepmother, the Baroness.

I missed the wedding, alas, because of the rule of six,

which they're very strict about in Monaco -

only 600 guests allowed,

and I, er, I just missed the cut.

Er, so, yeah.

It's unlucky. Yeah.

Anyway, the vicar said just... just talk

about what's been on your mind during lockdown.

So that's what I'm going to do, er, with the help of some charts.

Now, the big question is,

how many times can you say the same word in a row and still make sense?

Now, my starting point is a famous tongue twister.

Imagine a teacher trying to explain the difference between "had"

and "had had".

She sets the class a test and marks the test, and observes that,

Joanna, where John had had "had"

had had "had had"...

..."had had" had had the teacher's approval...

Incredible. That's 11 hads in a row!

And I've been thinking about this a lot and suddenly it occurred to me,

what if someone was saying this tongue twister BUT

there are two versions of it?

And that this someone, let's call them Gertrude,

is comparing the versions,

one told by Charlie, and one told by Julia.

And in Charlie's version, he has "had had" first

and Julia has "had" first, so,

this is what we get.

Charlie, where Julia had had had had "had"

had had "had had" "had had" had had

had had had had "had had" had had "had"

"had had" had had...

...had had "had had" had had "had" "had had" had had had had

Gertrude's approval.

That's an incredible 39 "hads".

And what does this have to do with Jesus, you ask?

Well, it's obvious, really.

When they hear it, most people exclaim,

"Jesus! That was a waste of time."

Er, so, erm, er...

...I'll finish with a joke,

because my wife used to say...

My wife used to say, "Go on, Hoogs,

"Crimewatch isn't as funny as it used to be.

"Tell me a joke." So, er,

I reckon we all need cheering up now.

Here is Alice's favourite joke...

...which is pretty funny, actually.

How do you start a teddy bear race?

Ready, teddy, go!

It's hilarious.

Absolute classic.

So watch out, Michael McIntyre!

Here comes Hugo McIn... Horton!

Next week, thank God, the vicar returns.

What can I say?

It really has been the strangest year ever.

But always remember,

the village folk of Dibley have been challenged before.

There WAS a time when they lived in constant fear of being

devoured by wolves or bears,

shortly after the opening of Owen Newitt's ill-fated safari park.

And going back further, in 1681, the Dibley witch trials took place,

and five women were burnt as witches.

In 1682, the second witch trial took place

and seven women were burnt as witches.

And in 1683, the third witch trials took place

and they burnt all the women in the village just to be on the safe side.

Grr!

But this has been an especially bad year.

Yet on we go, and maybe there'll be some changes for the good, eh?

The world is always changing.

When I first got this job,

women vicars were considered freaks

and now we're like salted caramel! We're EVERYWHERE...

...and absolutely delicious.

And even though we've had to cancel the Nativity play,

I'm so sorry about that,

um, I have instead written this

lovely Nativity poem for you all.

Here goes.

Mary, a sweet girl, rather shy

Was amazed when an angel dropped by

"God wants to give birth

"To his son on the Earth

"Would you like to give it a try?"

Mary said, "This is so unexpected

"And I'm thrilled that I've been selected

"But it's bringing us down

"There's a virus in town

"And I worry we'll all get infected"

Said the angel, "Be of good heart

"You must just keep six feet apart"

But Mary replied "The other thing is, I'm a virgin

"And if a baby's emergin'

"My boyfriend will think I'm a tart!"

That's a classic!

And also, um, special for Christmas,

I've got a new recipe idea for Brussels sprouts.

So, take one bowl of sprouts, like this,

give them a little stir, like that,

and then - this is the important part.

Pop them in the bin.

That's it.

And have another bowl of roast potatoes instead. Much better.

Darling friends, it's an honour to be part of your community

and during this terrible tragedy

we've all learnt two things.

We learnt that banana bread is so disgusting!

And we've learnt that community is what really matters.

So, we WILL prevail

and I'll be with you when we do.

I once thought I'd leave this village

and become a bishop,

or, you know, Stormzy's wife.

But I've realised now that that's just never going to happen.

Hm...

Mind you, Stormzy's still single. Still a chance!

Someone once said,

"Families are a great opportunity

"to spend time with people you would otherwise do your best to avoid."

Well, you're my family now

and you're not getting rid of me...

...ever!

Happy Christmas!

Well, Hugo, great joy to have you in my bubble,

and I've got a cracking joke for you. - Oh, hoorah!

Because I love jokes, I absolutely love them. I literally can't wait.

Well, you don't have to because here it comes.

It's short and very sweet -

a little bit like me!

So Jesus said unto his disciples,

"Come forth, and thou shalt receive eternal life."

But Thomas came fifth, so he got a toaster.

Oh! Oh, but that's sad, isn't it?

- What? - Well, he came so close, but he came fifth and got a toaster.

Which would normally be amazing, but compared to eternal life,

well, oh, no, that's tough.

I think they should have made the prizes more equal.

No. Concentrate. It's wordplay, isn't it?

"Come forth" - do you see? "Come FOURTH".

Well, I wonder who did come fourth?

Do you think Thomas could appeal? Maybe get an upgrade?

I give up. It's happening again!

It's all right for you, but for Thomas it's the difference

between eternity in heaven and eternity in hell,

with the mild compensation of a couple of toasted crumpets.

No, no. He should definitely go through the complaints procedure.

# Dear Lord and Father of mankind

# Forgive your foolish ways. #

But you were going to tell me a joke.

That'd be a nice end to the day.

Yeah. OK, another one.

Now, I don't think I've told you this before,

but back home I've got a stepladder.

Because my real ladder left home when I was very young.

So... now I've got a stepladder.

Oh! Oh, that's a terrible story.

I didn't know, I'm so sorry.

Waking up one morning and finding your ladder gone.

Did it leave a note? - What...?

What if your stepladder turned out to be a wicked stepladder?

Oh, no, no... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not having this, go on, off you go. Goodbye.

This bubble is burst. Pop!

# Surely goodness and mercy

# Shall follow me all the days of my life

# And I will dwell in the house

# Of the Lord

# Forever

# Forever. #