Original subtitles

RIGHT, QUICK BUT CUTE.

GOODY GUMDROPS, I LOVE YOUR JOKES.

RIGHT, NOW CONCENTRATE. OKAY?

OKAY.

A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR,

AND THE BARMAN SAYS, "HEY, WHY THE LONG FACE?"

SORRY?

"WHY THE LONG FACE?" DO YOU GET IT?

NO, I DON'T.

WELL, THE HORSE HAS GOT A LONG FACE.

WHY, IS HE DEPRESSED?

NO, HE'S NOT DEPRESSED.

WELL, I DON'T MEAN ACTUALLY DEPRESSED, NOT CLINICALLY,

BUT SOMETHING'S OBVIOUSLY GONE VERY WRONG FOR HIM.

OTHERWISE, HE WOULDN'T BE GOING INTO THE BAR WITH THE LONG FACE.

I MEAN, HE'S OBVIOUSLY LONELY.

WHO KNOWS, MAYBE HE'S GOT A DRINK PROBLEM AS WELL.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I INTERRUPTED.

YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME, WHY DOES THE HORSE HAVE A LONG FACE?

BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE.

OH, WOW... THAT IS DEPRESSION.

IF HE IS ACTUALLY DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE,

HE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THAT. NEVER.

HE'LL ALWAYS HAVE A LONG FACE.

YES, BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE.

YOU AGREE WITH HIM? IF YOU WERE A HORSE YOU'D HAVE A LONG FACE?

YES, BECAUSE I WAS A HORSE.

IT'S SO ODD. I DISAGREE, IF I WAS AN ANT,

I'D HAVE A VERY LONG FACE,

PEOPLE TREADING ON ME ALL DAY.

BUT IF I WAS A HORSE, I WOULD BE SO HAPPY

JUMPING OVER FENCES, OVER STILES,

WINNING LOVELY ROSETTES AT GYMKHANAS,

HAVING SUGAR CUBES IN MY MOUTH.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH I WAS? - NO, WHAT?

A GREAT, BIG, VICIOUS DOBERMAN DOG.

WHY?

'CAUSE THEN I COULD RIP YOUR THROAT OUT!

OOOH... THAT IS DEPRESSION, TOO.

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

BESIDE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪

RIGHT, MOVING ON... YES.

OH, SORRY I'M LATE.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A LIFE-SIZE CUT-OUT

3-D DO-IT-YOURSELF VIBRATING MODEL

OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

YEAH, JUST GOT TO THE TROUSER SECTION.

COMPLETELY FORGOT IT WAS WEDNESDAY.

WELL, I'M AFRAID THE MEETING IS ALMOST OVER.

UNLESS SOMEONE HAS AN A.O.B.,

YOU CAN GET STRAIGHT BACK TO MASTER TIMBERLAKE'S PRIVATES.

THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO RECORD OUR DISAPPOINTMENT

THAT YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB WITH THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY.

HEAR, HEAR.

Geraldine: OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'M FINE ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, C'EST LA VIE, THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.

HE SIMPLY DECIDED TO GIVE THE JOB

TO A MUCH YOUNGER TOTAL TWATTING, TALENTLESS, TOSSING TOOL.

NICELY PUT.

ANY A.O.B.'S?

OH, ACTUALLY, YES, I'VE GOT ONE.

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE THAT WE COMMEMORATE THE FACT

THAT THIS YEAR, IT IS THE 20th ANNIVERSARY

OF THE LIVE AID CONCERT.

BAGS I PLAY FREDDIE MERCURY.

YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY.

I DO WHEN I DYE MY MOUSTACHE.

NO--NO--NO, YOU BLOODY WELL DON'T.

YOU DYE YOUR MOUSTACHE, YOU LOOK LIKE STALIN.

AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY, BEFORE I WAS INTERRUPTED BY THREE AGEING LUNATICS,

I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE RE-STAGE IT,

JUST THAT WE REMEMBER IT OFFICIALLY IN SOME WAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.

WELL, BECAUSE IT WAS ONE DAY

THAT I GENUINELY FELT PROUD TO BE ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES

WE ALL STOOD TOGETHER

AND SAID THAT PEOPLE ARE STARVING

AND WE'RE MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT.

YES, I REMEMBER, I WAS MAD AS HELL THAT DAY.

GOOD ON YOU, JIM.

YES, MY TELEVISION REMOTE WOULDN'T WORK.

I HAD TO WATCH EMMERDALE FARM ALL AFTERNOON.

IF WE WERE TO DO SOMETHING,

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD ALL WRITE A LETTER TO THE PRIME MINISTER

SAYING THAT IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT POVERTY ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I DON'T THINK SHE CARES ABOUT POVERTY VERY MUCH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SHE"?

MARGARET THATCHER.

MARGARET THATCHER ISN'T THE PRIME MINISTER.

ISN'T SHE?

NO, SHE HASN'T BEEN THE PRIME MINISTER FOR 15 YEARS.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

SHE GOT BOOTED OUT.

WHO BY?

JOHN MAJOR.

WHO?

JOHN MAJOR.

ARE YOU SURE? SURE WHAT?

THAT MARGARET THATCHER ISN'T STILL THE PRIME MINISTER?

OF COURSE SHE ISN'T. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

WHO IS PRIME MINISTER THEN, WILLIE WHITELAW?

NO.

GOD ALIVE! I'M IN A STATE OF SHOCK. WHO IS IT THEN?

IT'S TONY BLAIR.

NOPE, DOESN'T RING A BELL.

OH, COME ON! TONY BLAIR,

HE'S BEEN THE PRIME MINISTER FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS!

WHAT'S HE DONE?

OVER TO YOU.

WELL...LOTS OF...GOOD STUFF.

ALL I'M SUGGESTING IS THAT WE WRITE HIM A LETTER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD WRITE A LETTER

TO MARGARET THATCHER AS WELL, JUST IN CASE.

JUST IN CASE WHAT?

WELL, JUST IN CASE SHE'S STILL IN POWER

AND YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG END OF THE STICK.

LOOK, I TELL YOU WHAT,

WHY DON'T YOU START A SUBCOMMITTEE

TO DISCUSS THIS LIVE AID NONSENSE.

FOR NOW, I'M SURE THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER,

MORE IMPORTANT THINGS PEOPLE WANT TO TABLE.

WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MAKING

EXTREME POVERTY HISTORY FOREVER?

WELL YES, I THINK SO.

I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS THE PUMPKIN COMPETITION.

All: YES.

THERE YOU GO, YOU SEE.

ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE ON THE POVERTY, BAND AID,

GOODY-GOODY, "WHOOPS, I'M HUNGRY" SUBCOMMITTEE,

RAISE THEIR HANDS.

FIRST MEETING TEATIME TOMORROW,

MY PLACE, JAFFA CAKES SUPPLIED.

All: GOOD IDEA. VITAL STUFF.

THANK YOU.

MOVING ON, ANY OTHER ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

YES, YES, THERE IS ONE LITTLE THING.

OH, GOOD FOR YOU, HUGO.

AH, THANKS VERY MUCH.

WELL THE THING IS, BEFORE THE NEXT MEETING,

IT IS IN FACT QUITE AN IMPORTANT BIRTHDAY FOR ONE OF US,

AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HOW TO CELEBRATE IT.

WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS IT?

SHUT UP YOU TWO.

IT'S GERALDINE'S.

HOW OLD IS SHE GOING TO BE?

SORRY, I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT. I MUST GO.

HO HO, I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT.

THERE'LL BE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, BEING 50.

SOME OF MY MOST EXCITING SEXUAL JOURNEYS

HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE CAVERNS AND OVER THE HILLS

OF WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE 50.

I'M NOT 50!

HOW OLD ARE YOU, THEN?

WELL, I'M GOING TO BE... YOU KNOW...

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

I MEAN A LOT OF WOMEN FIND THEIR TRUE LOVE AFTER THIS AGE.

AND AS YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE AGE FOR CHILDBIRTH

HAS SHOT UP IN RECENT YEARS,

SO THERE'S SOME HOPE THERE.

I'M GOING TO BE, YOU KNOW...

IN THE REGION OF... 40, PROBABLY.

All: OH. 40.

JUST BELT-UP, THE LOT OF YOU!

I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING AS CLEAR

AS THE BREASTS ON JORDAN'S CHEST.

I WILL NOT, REPEAT NOT, BE CELEBRATING IT,

AND THAT, GENTLEMEN, IS THAT.

I'M A BIG WOMAN WITH BIG FISTS,

AND I WOULD HATE TO HAVE TO USE THEM

ON ANYONE WHO MENTIONS IT AGAIN.

SO WE WON'T BE HAVING YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, THEN?

UM, I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO YESTERDAY

AND THEY PLAYED THIS SONG THAT SAYS,

"I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD."

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK OLD IS?

HMM, DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW, I SUPPOSE FOR ACTUAL OLD PEOPLE,

161 IS VERY OLD.

RIGHT.

BUT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, 28 IS PRETTY OLD.

SO 30 IS...

VERY OLD. AND 35?

IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE ANYONE THAT OLD, ISN'T IT?

AND 40 IS?

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY THEY BOTHER.

I THINK THE KINDEST THING TO DO TO WOMEN

WHO REACH 40 IS JUST PUT THEM DOWN.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,

YOUR BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP, ISN'T IT?

HOW OLD ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, I LOVE GUESSING GAMES.

UM...32?

NO, I'M NOT PLAYING, ALICE.

OH, IT'S NOT 35, IS IT?

IN WHICH CASE, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

THERE ARE SOME LATE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN

WHO ARE PERFECTLY REASONABLE LOOKING,

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE...

I CAN'T THINK OF ANY, BUT THERE MUST BE ONE OR TWO.

40, I'M GOING TO BE 40.

I'M SO SORRY.

NO...

NO, 40 IS GREAT, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S THE RIGHT AGE FOR ME

AND I FEEL VERY HAPPY AND PROUD ABOUT IT.

YOU POOR THING.

IT'S NEXT STOP: DEATH.

NO! NO, NO, NO, ON THE CONTRARY, NO.

I FEEL VERY YOUNG AND FIT.

I MEAN, LOOK, I CAN JUMP, AND I CAN DANCE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT I CAN TOUCH MY TOES?

NO.

OH YES, I CAN, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT.

WOW, PHEW! WHEN'S THE PARTY, THEN?

THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A COCKING PARTY!

ALL RIGHT.

SORRY.

CHANGE THE SUBJECT. LUNATIC ON THE LOOSE.

YEAH, I'M SORRY, SORRY.

I THINK YOUR IDEA ABOUT DOING LIVE AID IS JOLLY GOOD.

I THINK I'M PROBABLY GOING TO BE MADONNA.

♪ LIKE A VIRGIN ♪

♪ TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ♪

YEAH, WE'RE NOT RE-STAGING IT, ALICE, OKAY,

WE'RE JUST COMMEMORATING IT.

OH. THE ONE THING I NEVER DID FIND OUT

ABOUT LIVE AID, THOUGH WAS,

DID THEY ACTUALLY KNOW IT WAS CHRISTMASTIME AT ALL?

UM...I THINK SOME OF THEM DID, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, GOOD.

I NEVER REALLY DID APPROVE OF THAT SONG ACTUALLY,

'CAUSE IT WAS SUCH A STUPID QUESTION.

I MEAN, I CANNOT IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE ANNOYING THAN,

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, BEING STARVING TO DEATH

AND SOME FAMOUS POP STAR COMES UP

TO YOU AND YOU ARE SO EXCITED

THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET A HANDOUT,

AND HE COMES RIGHT UP TO YOU AND HE SAYS,

"DO YOU KNOW IT'S CHRISTMASTIME AT ALL?"

FAT LOT OF GOOD THAT IS! SURELY, HE SHOULD BE SAYING,

"DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT AT ALL?"

HMM, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE QUITE UNDERSTOOD

THE MEANING OF THE SONG, ALICE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I THINK I HAVE. YOU SEE...

( door bell rings ) OH, THERE IS A GOD.

OH, MUST JUST GET THAT.

OH, HI THERE.

HELLO. OH, HI GUYS, COME ON IN.

HELLO, VICAR.

COME ON IN.

SO...HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GO AT YOUR LETTERS TO THE P.M.?

YES, WE'VE CERTAINLY ALL HAD A STAB.

EXCELLENT. FIRE AWAY THEN. FRANK?

"DEAR PRIME MINISTER, I'M VERY SORRY TO TAKE UP YOUR TIME,

"BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR SPARING A MOMENT TO READ THIS LETTER."

EXCELLENT. NICE AND POLITE. GET ON HIS RIGHT SIDE.

"IT'S HARD FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME

"TO IMAGINE JUST HOW BUSY

SOMEONE LIKE YOU MUST BE."

GOOD...

"THINK OF THE WIDE RANGE OF THINGS

"THAT MUST BE ON YOUR MIND,

"FROM THE STATE OF THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE,

"TO THE PERMANENT WORRY

OVER WHICH TIE TO WEAR ON BIG OCCASIONS."

YES, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE

LOSING HIM A BIT NOW, FRANK.

"I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL...

"MY FIRST TEACHER WAS A MAN CALLED MR. GREENWOOD."

CAN I JUST INTERRUPT YOU THERE A SECOND, FRANK?

JUST A BALLPARK FIGURE-- EXACTLY HOW LONG IS THIS LETTER?

118 PAGES.

BUT IT'S NOT FINISHED YET.

RIGHT, AND THUS FAR, HAVE YOU MENTIONED AFRICA OR POVERTY YET?

NO, NOT YET.

RIGHT, WELL, PERHAPS WHEN YOU DO,

YOU COULD LET US KNOW.

OKAY, OWEN, HOW DID YOU DO?

WELL, I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T WRITTEN AS MUCH AS FRANK.

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING.

( clears throat )

"DEAR PRIME MINISTER..."

GOOD START.

"LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID PRICK..."

I SMELL A TINY PROBLEM THERE.

YES, WELL, I THOUGHT HE MUST GET A LOT OF LETTERS

AND I SHOULD GRAB HIS ATTENTION RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

GOOD POINT. I THINK THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT COUNTERPRODUCTIVE,

BUT LET'S SEE HOW WE CONTINUE.

"DEAR PRIME MINISTER,

"LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID PRICK..."

YES...

"YOURS SINCERELY, OWEN NEWITT."

YOU SEEM TO HAVE MISSED OUT

A CRUCIAL LITTLE BIT IN THE MIDDLE THERE.

YES, WELL, I CAN'T SAY

I GAVE IT A LOT OF TIME.

BUT YOU THINK, FUNDAMENTALLY,

IT'S ALONG THE RIGHT LINES?

YEAH, NO, NOT REALLY. YOU SEE, THE MAIN POINT OF WRITING THIS LETTER

IS FOR YOU TO TELL THE PRIME MINISTER

THAT 30 THOUSAND PEOPLE ARE DYING

OF EXTREME POVERTY EVERY DAY,

AND YOU WANT HIM TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

OH, YES, I KNEW I'D FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.

THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAIL.

SO, MOVING ON THEN.

JIM, WITH LIMITED EXPECTATIONS, WHAT DID YOU DO?

"DEAR TONY BLAIR,

"OR MARGARET THATCHER...

DELETE AS APPLICABLE."

NO, I PROMISE YOU, IT'S DEFINITELY TONY BLAIR.

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT.

"DEAR TONY BLAIR, DELETE AS APPLICABLE."

NO, WE'VE DELETED "AS APPLICABLE," HAVEN'T WE,

SO IT'S JUST "DEAR TONY BLAIR."

"DEAR TONY BLAIR,

"NO--NO--NO--NO-- NO MORE CHILDREN DYING,

"WHEN WE DO ACTUALLY KNOW--KNOW--

"KNOW HOW TO SAVE THEIR LIVES.

"NO--NO-- NO EXCUSES.

"NO--

NO MORE.

YOURS SINCERELY, JIM TROTT."

WELL, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, ACTUALLY, JIM.

IT'S A BIT BRIEF, BUT THAT IS THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT.

WELL DONE.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

THE BOOK OF GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

I'M LOOKING UP THE OLDEST PERSON EVER TO HAVE A BABY,

AND IT'S ROSANNA DELLA CORTE,

WHO GAVE BIRTH WHEN SHE WAS 63.

WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING THAT?

WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND

CONSOLING FACTS FOR THE VICAR.

SHE SEEMED RATHER UPSET ABOUT HER BIRTHDAY.

OH, THE FUSS WOMEN MAKE ABOUT LITTLE THINGS.

WHEN WOULD YOU EVER FIND A MAN

GETTING ALL MOODY ABOUT SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL?

GOOD POINT.

BUT REMIND ME, FATHER, WHAT DID YOU DO

WHEN GERALD SIMS CALLED YOU "BALDY"?

I FIRED HIM.

AND THEN WHEN HE SAID, "WHEN IT'S HOT,

"CAN I COME ROUND AND FRY AN EGG

ON YOUR BRIGHT RED BALD PATCH?"

I HEAD-BUTTED HIM.

TWICE.

WELL, THERE WASN'T ANY BLOOD THE FIRST TIME.

LOOK, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT, HUGO?

WELL, I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE ALL SENSITIVE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS,

AND IT'S FAIR ENOUGH FOR THE VICAR

TO BE WORRIED ABOUT GETTING OLDER.

SHE'S 40, SHE HASN'T GOT ANY CHILDREN,

AND SHE HASN'T GOT A MAN WHO LOVES HER.

OWEN DOESN'T COUNT?

NO, OWEN IS MORE BEAST THAN HUMAN.

YES, TRUE, YES.

HELLO, DARLING.

( kissy noises )

HELLO,

GRUMPY OLD GRANDPA BILLIARD-BALL HEAD.

HELLO, ALICE.

LOOK, WE SERIOUSLY DO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT GERALDINE'S BIRTHDAY.

SHE SAID WE SHOULD IGNORE IT.

I KNOW, BUT IF WE DO IGNORE IT,

IT'LL ONLY BE WORSE. IT'S LIKE...

DAMNED IF WE DO, DAMNED IF WE DON'T.

NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S LIKE...

BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA?

NO, IT'S-- IT'S LIKE CYSTITIS.

IF YOU IGNORE IT, IT ONLY GETS WORSE.

SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD.

SO I THOUGHT WE SHOULD HOLD A MEETING,

YOU KNOW, JUST TO SORT THINGS OUT.

WHERE? I THOUGHT HERE.

WHEN? ( door bell rings )

NOW.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, BISHOP. 40'S FINE, ISN'T IT?

IT'S 50 THAT'S THE SHITTY ONE!

HOW OLD ARE YOU, BY THE WAY?

54.

RIGHT. AND HOW OLD'S TODD?

IS HE, 22? GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO, UM, YEAH, MY EGG'S GETTING COLD.

OKAY. OKAY, THANKS. BYE.

22!

( woman's voice on radio ) YES, YES. AND THIS YEAR I REACHED THE BIG FOUR-O,

AND I THOUGHT, IT'S OKAY, IT REALLY IS.

GOOD ON YA, SISTER.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

YEAH, QUITE RIGHT, YOU CLEVER WOMAN.

AND NOW I CAN JUST SIT BACK

AND ENJOY MY ADORABLE, SEXY HUSBAND,

MY THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN,

AND ALL THE BENEFITS THAT COME

FROM A MULTI-MILLION POUND BUSINESS.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT! SHUT IT, YOU GREEDY WITCH!

ORDER.

ORDER! I'M IN THE CHAIR.

NOW, I KNOW THE VICAR DOESN'T WANT A PARTY,

BUT WE'VE AT LEAST GOT TO GET HER A PRESENT.

HMM? ANY IDEAS ON WHAT SHE MIGHT LIKE?

MEL GIBSON.

OH.

David: YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY MEL GIBSON?

NO--NO--NO--NO,

BUT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO RENT HIM FOR AN HOUR OR TWO.

OF COURSE, HE'S VERY KEEN ON THE CHURCH.

HE MADE THAT FILM ABOUT JESUS.

OH, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST.

THAT FILM MADE ME VERY ANGRY. ME TOO.

AN 18-CERTIFICATE FILM WITH THE WORD "PASSION" IN THE TITLE,

AND NOT ONE SCENE OF GRATUITOUS SEX.

I'VE COMPLAINED TO TRADING STANDARDS.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

JUST BECAUSE HE MADE THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST,

YOU THINK MEL GIBSON WOULD BE HAPPY

TO COME ROUND AND BONK OUR VICAR?

WELL, STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

NO, THEY HAVEN'T.

WHATEVER, WE MUST DO SOMETHING,

WE LOVE HER SO MUCH.

( door bell rings ) I'LL GET IT,

KEEP THINKING, CLEVER CLOGGSIES.

YES.

OH, HI. HI, ALICE.

I'VE JUST BEEN LISTENING

TO THIS SMUG COW ON THE RADIO,

AND SHE'S LEFT ME FEELING UTTERLY DESOLATE AND UNFULFILLED.

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I COULD COME IN

AND BE SURROUNDED BY LOVING FRIENDS?

NOT REALLY, IT'S A BAD TIME.

ANY THOUGHTS, EINSTEINIES?

WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME SORT OF CREAM.

OH, YES, YES, THAT SOUNDS VERY FRUITY.

I MEAN, MORE THE SORT OF ANTI-AGEING CREAM.

THAT ONE YOU SEE ON TELEVISION--

REMOVES ALL SEVEN SIGNS OF AGEING.

THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

WE'LL DEFINITELY GET SOME OF THAT.

BRAVO, FRANK.

WHAT ARE THE SEVEN SIGNS OF AGEING, THEN?

GOOD QUESTION. THEY NEVER TELL YOU ON THE ADS.

WELL, WRINKLES, THAT WOULD BE ONE.

YES, AND HAIR LOSS.

OH, RIGHT.

AND TOOTH LOSS, I SUPPOSE.

NICE ONE, OWEN.

AND BREAST SAG.

OH, DON'T TELL ME.

HOW MANY'S THAT?

THAT'S FOUR. THREE TO GO.

WHAT ABOUT ARSE SAG?

FIVE.

SENILITY.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHEN YOUR BRAIN GOES WONKY

AND YOU CAN'T, SAY... ( babbles )

SORRY, WHERE WAS I?

SENILITY IS SIX. WHAT ABOUT SEVEN?

I'VE GOT IT.

OH, WHAT, JIM? ACTUALLY DYING.

THAT'S DEFINITELY A SIGN OF AGEING.

SEVEN, THAT IS IT!

WELL DONE, EVERYONE!

MUST BE ONE HELL OF A CREAM.

WAIT A MINUTE, I HAVE HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA.

OH, DEAR.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I KNOW IT'S NOT VERY LIKELY,

'CAUSE I'VE HAD SOME BAD ONES BEFORE...

THE TIME MACHINE MADE OUT OF WEETABIX.

FOR EXAMPLE. NO, BUT THIS TIME I THINK I'VE HAD

A GENUINELY BRILLIANT IDEA.

WHAT DOES GERALDINE MOST NEED?

A VERGER WITH A BRAIN?

NO.

A GOOD SEEING-TO? GETTING CLOSE.

A BOYFRIEND.

SOMEONE TO GIVE HER A GOOD SEEING-TO ONCE IN A WHILE,

BUT THE REST OF THE TIME TO BE A SOUL MATE

AND A COMPANION THROUGH THE STORMY

AND IRRATIONAL SEAS OF MODERN-DAY LIFE.

EXACTLY. AND HOW DO WE GET A BOYFRIEND THESE DAYS?

BLO--BLO--BLO-- BLOWJOBS, I'VE HEARD.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, BY DATING.

BUT NOT LIKE DATING IN OUR DAY,

BUT SPEED-DATING.

IT'S WHERE, LIKE, 30 REALLY ATTRACTIVE MEN

AND 30 REALLY STUNNING SINGLE GIRLS MEET,

AND THEY CHAT FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES EACH,

AND THEN AT THE END OF THE EVENING,

THEY DECIDE WHO THEY WANT TO GO OUT WITH.

THAT REALLY DOES SOUND PRETTY GOOD, ACTUALLY.

AND WE COULD ENROL HER IN ONE OF THOSE ON HER BIRTHDAY,

AND SHE'D BE CERTAIN TO FIND A BOYFRIEND,

AND ALL HER PROBLEMS WOULD BE OVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT'S BRILLIANT.

ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR?

MAYBE BREASTFEEDING REALLY DOES MAKE YOU SMARTER.

IN WHICH CASE, I MUST BE THE CLEVEREST WOMAN

IN THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT...BRITISH.

MAYBE NOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY,

BECAUSE I DID SAY "NO PRESENTS," DIDN'T I?

YES, WELL, WE DISAGREED.

AND THEN I WAS INSULTED,

BECAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL

LIKE A DESPERATE OLD SPINSTER.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THEN I WAS SUSPICIOUS,

BECAUSE IT CAN'T COST MORE THAN A TENNER

TO ENROL IN SUZIE'S SPEED DATING EXTRAVAGANZA,

WHICH MEANS EACH OF YOU GOT OFF WITH TWO QUID.

£1.50, ACTUALLY.

BUT ON FOURTH THOUGHT, CAN'T DENY IT,

I'M PRETTY EXCITED.

BRING ON THE BOYS.

THE BABE IN BLACK IS BACK!

All: OOH!

YOU CAN DO IT.

BYE. BYE. BYE, JIM.

GOOD NIGHT, VICAR. GOOD LUCK, GIRL.

THANKS. BYE, DAVID.

UM, I JUST WANT TO OWN UP TO THE FACT

THAT I WON'T BE SIGNING THE LIVE AID LETTER.

IT'S POINTLESS.

WHAT POSSIBLE DIFFERENCE CAN IT MAKE TO THE PRIME MINISTER?

WELL, IT MIGHT SHOW THAT WE CARE.

BUT DO WE? NOT DOWN MY WAY.

VERY OFTEN WE FINISH A ROUND OF GOLF

AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE PUTTING IN

A NEW TRAFFIC LIGHT NEAR SAINSBURY'S."

VERY RARELY DO THEY SAY,

"I'M FURIOUS AT THE LEVEL OF AID TO BURKINA FASO."

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T SPEND ANY TIME IN BURKINA FASO.

PERHAPS IF THEY STOPPED TO THINK THAT 30,000 POOR PEOPLE

ARE DYING UNNECESSARILY EVERY DAY--

THEY'RE NOT REALLY PUTTING A TRAFFIC LIGHT

OUTSIDE SAINSBURY'S, ARE THEY?!

THEY ARE.

BUT THE TRAFFIC IS HELL THERE, ANYWAY.

EVERY TIME I GO TO THE TRAIN STATION

I HAVE TO LEAVE 45 MINUTES EARLY.

IT'S ONLY AN 11-MINUTE DRIVE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO COMMUTE.

THAT'S SHOCKING! ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.

( sighs )

SORRY, WHERE WERE WE?

BURKINA FASO.

YES, WHAT ABOUT IT?

30,000 PEOPLE DYING EVERY DAY.

OH, RIGHT, YES, YES.

ACTUALLY, THINK ABOUT THAT, DAVID,

THAT'S 30 TIMES THE POPULATION OF THIS VILLAGE...

EVERY DAY.

EVERYONE IN THIS VILLAGE, DEAD.

YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT'S A BAD THING?

POINT TAKEN, BUT...

OWEN DEAD, JIM DEAD,

MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW TRAGICALLY STRUCK DOWN.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN?

YES, WELL... OBVIOUSLY, I'M ONLY JOKING.

LET'S NOT JOKE FOR A WHILE.

YOU DON'T HONESTLY THINK THAT PEOPLE IN POORER COUNTRIES

LOVE THEIR CHILDREN LESS THAN WE DO?

OF COURSE NOT.

AND IF YOUR GRANDCHILD WAS DYING, GOD FORBID,

OR ABANDONED AND ALONE, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO THINK

THAT SOMEONE SOMEWHERE THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

WAS REALLY STICKING UP FOR THEM?

YES, THAT WOULD BE NICE.

BUT NOT VERY NICE IF THEY COULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

YEAH, BUT MAYBE WE CAN.

ONE BIG PUSH THIS YEAR, AND WE MIGHT JUST SLICE POVERTY IN HALF.

WELL...

MAYBE.

YEAH. EXACTLY WHERE OUTSIDE SAINSBURY'S?

RIGHT ON TURNHAM STREET.

NO!

HI, I'M SUZIE.

HELLO. HI, GERALDINE.

GERALDINE, NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI.

THERE AREN'T QUITE AS MANY

AS I MIGHT HAVE HOPED.

NO.

NOT AS MANY WOMEN, BUT A GOOD TURNOUT ON THE MEN FRONT.

OH, WELL, THAT SUITS ME. LET ME AT 'EM.

YES.

THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY TREAT, YOU SEE.

OH, LOVELY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU, YES.

SO, WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE HEAVENLY HUNKS?

OH, WELL, WE KEEP THEM SEPARATE IN ANOTHER ROOM.

DON'T WANT PEOPLE GETTING TOO FRISKY BEFOREHAND.

ALL RIGHT. THEY GET FRISKY, DO THEY? GREAT!

DO YOU MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT PERSONAL?

OH, WHAT. IT'S TOO MANY DOUGHNUTS, ISN'T IT, I KNOW.

NO, NO, IT'S THE DOG COLLAR.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

SORRY?

IT'S JUST YOU AND I KNOW

THAT UNDER THAT COLLAR IS A NECK

THAT WANTS TO BE KISSED,

THEN SUCKED 'TILL THERE'S A BLAZING HICKY

THE SIZE OF MIDDLESEX.

BUT YOUR NORMAL CHAP MIGHT SEE IT AS A BIT OF A STOP SIGN.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

UM...WELL, I'LL JUST TAKE IT OFF.

JUST ABSOLUTELY TAKE IT OFF.

LIKE THAT, THERE. THAT'S IT, YEAH. OKAY?

LOVELY.

DOESN'T LOOK TOO BRAZEN?

I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR TO BE

SOME KIND OF CHEAP, EASY LAY OR ANYTHING.

NO, NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY FINE.

OKAY, THANKS.

OH, HI, HI, I'M SUZIE.

I'M HETTY. HETTY.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

HELLO. HELLO, HI.

HI, I'M HETTY. HI.

HI, I'M GERALDINE. BUT YOU CAN CALL ME GRANNY.

IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT,

MY BOSOMS AND YOUR HIPS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME HEIGHT.

VIVRE LA DIFFERENCE.

( sighs )

LITTLE BIT SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BOYFRIEND ALREADY, HETTY.

WELL NO, ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE ONE.

IN FACT, THERE'S A COUPLE OF GUYS

WHO I'M HAVING A BIT OF A SCENE WITH,

BUT I'M NOT REALLY COMPLETELY

HAPPY WITH EITHER OF THEM,

SO...I THOUGHT I'D GIVE THIS A GO.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

( coughing ) GREEDY BITCH, AHEM!

SORRY? SORRY?

NO, JUST ( coughs ) JEZEBEL!

RIGHT, OKAY, WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD BE GETTING ON.

SO, UM, WHEN THE BUZZER GOES, GIRLS,

YOU MOVE ROOMS, AND THE GUYS WILL STAY WHERE THEY ARE, OKAY?

AND THEN AT THE END WE'LL ALL MEET BACK HERE FOR A DRINK,

AND ANYONE WHO'S REALLY GOT ON CAN MAKE...

LOVE?

THEIR OWN ARRANGEMENTS.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE, YES.

OKAY, FOLLOW ME.

OH, LOOK, HETTY,

YOU APPEAR TO HAVE LEFT YOUR BOTTOM AT HOME.

RIGHT, HERE ARE THE BOOTHS.

STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE FIRST ONE.

HAVE FUN.

WOW!

HELLO.

HI, GERALDINE.

STEVE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

RIGHT, I'M FINE, THANKS, YES. STEVE.

YEAH. WOW.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU A MALE MODEL OR SOMETHING?

OH, WELL, YEAH.

ARE YOU?

YEAH. WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I AM A BIT SURPRISED THAT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY.

A LOT OF THE GIRLS IN MY LINE OF WORK ARE VERY SHALLOW.

ARE THEY?

YEAH. THEY'RE ALL BLONDE AND NO BRAINS AND BIG BOOBS AND...

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A REAL WOMAN, YOU KNOW,

SOMEONE I CAN HAVE A LIFE WITH, A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE,

NOT SOMEONE THAT YOU JUST SHAG A COUPLE OF TIMES,

HAVE INCREDIBLE, AMAZING SEX WITH,

AND MOVE ON FROM, YOU KNOW.

I'M LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT, REALLY.

ME TOO.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WELL, ANYWAY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO?

OH, I'M A VIC--TORIA CROSS MAKER.

WOW, REALLY?

YEP, THAT'S WHAT I DO.

MAKE VICTORIA CROSSES, FULL-TIME JOB. YEAH, YEAH.

WOW. THEY'RE INCREDIBLY RARE, THOUGH, AREN'T THEY?

THEY'VE ONLY AWARDED FOUR IN THE LAST TEN YEARS.

YEAH, WORK'S PRETTY SLOW AT THE MOMENT.

YEAH. STILL, MOVING ON,

DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME ME ME ALL THE TIME.

GUESS WHAT. MY GRANDDAD WON A VICTORIA CROSS!

NO? DID HE? YES, YES.

I PROBABLY MADE THAT. YES.

WHEN I WAS MUCH YOUNGER, OBVIOUSLY.

OH, COME ON, YOU LOOK PRETTY YOUNG TO ME.

NO, I DON'T. YOU DO.

DO I? YEAH, YOU DO.

DO I? DO YOU THINK? YOU DO, YOU REALLY...

( buzzer blares ) OH, BOLLOCKS!

SORRY, DID I SAY BOLLOCKS THEN?

OH, NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING

FOR A VIC--TORIA CROSS MAKER TO SAY.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. GERALDINE, I REALLY LIKE YOU.

OH, I REALLY HOPE SO.

I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SEEING A LOT MORE OF YOU LATER.

I'D BETTER GO AND CHECK OUT THESE OTHER GUYS, THOUGH, HADN'T I?

I'D BETTER DO THAT.

WOW! BE STILL, MY BEATING EGGS.

WHAT'S NEXT? ( breathes deeply )

JIM!

YES.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED RATHER FUN.

IT CERTAINLY HAS BEEN SO FAR.

THAT OTHER GIRL, SHE'S A BIT TASTY.

WELL, YES, SHE'S A BIT ALL BLONDE

AND BOOBS AND NO BRAINS THOUGH, DIDN'T YOU THINK?

I MEAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN

WHO DON'T GO FOR THAT SORT OF SHALLOW STUFF.

NO--NO--NO, THERE AREN'T.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TOO MANY BUTTONS UNDONE, NOT ENOUGH?

WELL, TRICKY. I THINK SHE COULD HAVE UNDONE ANOTHER ONE,

YOU KNOW, REVEAL HER CLEAVAGE A BIT, YOU KNOW.

NO, MY BUTTONS, JIM.

WHAT ABOUT MY BUTTONS? WHAT ABOUT MY CLEAVAGE?

WELL, I'M NOT REALLY BOTHERED, NOW I'VE SEEN HER.

( buzzer blares )

TIME TO MOVE ON.

NO OFFENCE, JIM, BUT I THINK

I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT YOU'D BETTER NOT RELY ON ME.

OH, DITTO.

HOW'S IT GOING? BIT OF A MIXED BAG.

I THINK YOU'LL BE REALLY IMPRESSED BY THE NEXT ONE,

WHAT I WOULD CALL A REAL MAN.

OH. YUMMY.

OWEN.

YOUR ROYAL BABENESS.

WHAT IN HELL'S HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT SOUNDED LIKE MY CUP OF TEA.

LOTS OF DESPERATE WOMEN LOOKING FOR LOVE IN A CONFINED AREA.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL TREAT, ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, MEETING LOTS OF EXCITING MEN.

♪ TA-DA! ♪

WHO DON'T REEK OF MANURE.

FAIR POINT. THOUGH THAT OTHER GIRL DIDN'T SEEM TO NOTICE,

AND SHE WAS A TOTAL HOT TOTTY.

YES, NOT EVERYONE'S TASTE, I THINK YOU'LL FIND.

HMM, THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

( buzzer blares )

TIME TO MOVE ON, MERCIFULLY.

WHAT'S THAT NAME ON YOUR LAPEL?

BRAD.

BRAD.

( sensual growl ) BRAAAD.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME SEXIER.

OH, YOU WERE SO WRONG.

RIGHT. LOOK, YOU CAN BE HONEST, WHAT ARE MY CHANCES?

IT WOULD BE STAGGERINGLY OPTIMISTIC TO SAY ZERO.

BETTER THAN USUAL.

THREESOME?

GOOD LUCK IN THERE.

( clears throat )

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR DRESS?

WHAT? OH, YES, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

BUTTONS KEEP COMING UNDONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AND WHAT IN DEEPEST, SICKEST HELL ARE YOU WEARING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T TRY THIS LOOK YEARS AGO.

BECAUSE YOU WERE SANE YEARS AGO.

ONE SIMPLE QUESTION, DAVID--WHY?

WELL, I'M A SINGLE MAN. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF--

"I'D LIKE TO STAY THAT WAY"?

NO, I'D LIKE TO MEET SOME WOMEN.

AND FRIGHTEN THEM.

HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON?

WELL, NOT GREAT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIRTHDAY TREAT,

AND SO FAR I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING WITH THE MAD,

THE BALD, AND THE UGLY.

HAVEN'T YOU MET ANYONE?

WELL, ACTUALLY, YEAH. I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN.

I THINK I MET MR. RIGHT AT THE VERY BEGINNING.

OH, SURELY HE'LL GO FOR THAT GORGEOUS BLONDE

WHO WAS IN HERE A FEW MINUTES AGO.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND NOT.

YOU MAY EVEN FIND A "DO NOT DISTURB" NOTICE

ON THE FRONT OF THE VICARAGE TONIGHT.

WITH SOME VERY NAUGHTY NOISES COMING FROM WITHIN.

RIGHT, WELL, I APOLOGIZE

FOR THE SLIGHT LACK OF BALANCE

IN THE NUMBERS,

BUT I THINK MOST OF YOU WILL GO AWAY HAPPY.

SO I HAVE A LIST HERE OF WHO EVERYONE FANCIED,

AND WE HAVE ONE PERFECT MATCH.

OH...

IT'S ALWAYS OUR DREAM THAT SOMEONE WILL SAY

"HE'S THE ONE FOR ME,"

AND EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON WILL SAY

"SHE'S THE ONE FOR ME."

TONIGHT, FOR TWO OF YOU, THAT DREAM HAS COME TRUE.

SO, STEVE, I HOPE YOU HAVE

A LOVELY DATE WITH...

HETTY.

HETTY. OH!

OH, THAT'S LOVELY.

THAT'S LOVELY, YES.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT?

OF COURSE. THANK YOU.

BASTARD!

THANK YOU.

OKAY.

RIGHT, GERALDINE, NOW YOU.

YOU ACTUALLY ONLY TICKED STEVE.

YES.

HE'S GONE.

"HE'S GONE."

SO, I'M SURE YOU CAN BEND JUST A LITTLE,

CONSIDERING EVERY ONE OF THESE CHARMING GENTLEMEN

TICKED YOU ON THEIR CARDS.

OH, GOD!

SO, WHO DO YOU CHOOSE,

JIM...

DAVE...

OR BRAD?

THREE SUCH MAGNIFICENT SPECIMENS,

WHAT MORE COULD A WOMAN WANT?

WELL, I MIGHT WANT A MAN WHO WOULDN'T FRIGHTEN ME

WHEN HE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF.

I MIGHT WANT A WEDDING RING AND A BABY.

STILL, YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING, CAN YOU?

Female Duet: ♪ I NEVER WILL MARRY ♪

♪ I'LL BE NO MAN'S WIFE ♪

♪ I EXPECT TO LIVE SINGLE ♪

♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A VERY BAD BIRTHDAY.

( doorbell rings )

COMING.

EVENING, VICAR.

GOOD EVENING.

EVENING, VICAR. HELLO.

SORRY THE DATING WAS A TOTAL DISASTER,

SO WE'VE COME UP WITH AN ALTERNATIVE PRESENT.

WHAT, WE'RE GOING TO DANCE REELS, ARE WE?

NO. WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A BABY.

AND SINCE YOU CAN'T GET A MAN TO GIVE YOU ONE,

WE THOUGHT MAYBE HUGO COULD HELP YOU OUT.

HE'S ALREADY GIVEN ME EIGHT CHILDREN.

TEN.

TEN CHILDREN,

SO I CAN GUARANTEE HE IS TOP QUALITY STUFF.

RIGHT.

THOUGH OBVIOUSLY THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT IT.

HUGO DOESN'T FIND YOU REMOTELY ATTRACTIVE.

THANKS. THAT'S NICE TO KNOW.

AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE MEL GIBSON,

SO HE'S DRESSED UP AS BRAVEHEART

JUST TO HELP YOU GET IN THE MOOD.

RIGHT. IN THE MOOD FOR WHAT? SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE?

"THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES,

BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM."

SORRY ABOUT THE ACCENT.

WELL IT'S BETTER THAN MEL'S.

THANKS VERY MUCH, LASSIE.

WELL, I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, REALLY.

I'M OBVIOUSLY VERY TOUCHED,

NOT QUITE AS TOUCHED AS YOU TWO,

BUT I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO.

BUT IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

( doorbell rings )

OH, SAVED BY THE BELL THERE.

OH. OHH.

RIGHT.

WE'RE HERE AS RESERVES.

IN CASE YOU DON'T FANCY BEING IMPREGNATED BY HUGO.

MacNEWITT.

MacTROTT.

MacPICKLE.

GO AWAY.

WE CAN'T GO AWAY.

IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL MEETING

OF THE "OH, DEAR, WHAT A PITY, EVERYBODY'S DYING"

GOODY-GOODY GUMDROPS GROUP.

OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

LOOK, JUST GO HOME AND PUT YOUR TROUSERS ON

AND COME BACK IN TEN MINUTES.

I AM NOT HAVING THIS MEETING WITH THREE RANDY SCOTSMEN ON HEAT.

WE SHALL RETURN.

WHOO! OYE-YAH!

OKAY, OKAY.

WELCOME TO THE DIBLEY POVERTY ACTION COMMITTEE.

TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE'RE GOING TO DECIDE EXACTLY

WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO, AND I HAVE TO SAY,

I'VE BEEN REALLY ENCOURAGED BY THE IDEAS YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO FAR.

GOOD. GOOD.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT THERE AREN'T SOME COMPLICATIONS.

OWEN, YOUR IDEA OF KILLING ALL THE RICH PEOPLE IN BRITAIN

AND SPREADING THEIR MONEY AROUND

HAS ACTUALLY BEEN DONE BEFORE IN RUSSIA IN THE LAST CENTURY.

AND WHILST IT SEEMED LIKE QUITE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME,

IT DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WELL EVENTUALLY.

PITY.

HOW WERE YOU GOING TO DEFINE RICH?

ANYONE WITH MORE MONEY THAN YOU AND HUGO...

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

...WOULD BE KILLED ON THE FIRST DAY.

ON THE SECOND DAY, WE'D WIPE OUT YOUR LOT.

ONE EXTRA DAY. THAT'S A BONUS.

JIM, YOU VERY KINDLY OFFERED

TO HAVE SOME OF THE POOREST PEOPLE

ACTUALLY COME AND STAY WITH YOU.

IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO.

RIGHT. YOU'VE STIPULATED HERE YOU WANT

"ANYONE HUNGRY AND FEMALE,

"AND BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 22,

PREFERABLY OF ORIENTAL EXTRACTION."

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, JIM, THAT'S WRONG.

FINALLY, FRANK, INTERESTING ONE FROM YOU.

YOU'VE SUGGESTED THAT WE ALL FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF JAN PALACH.

WHO'S THAT?

HE WAS THE YOUNG MAN WHO TURNED HIMSELF

INTO A HUMAN TORCH IN WENCESLAS SQUARE,

WHEN THE RUSSIANS INVADED CZECHOSLOVAKIA.

OKAY.

WELL, ALL IN FAVOUR OF SETTING FIRE TO OURSELVES

TO PROTEST AGAINST WORLD POVERTY?

OKAY.

AND ALL IN FAVOUR OF JUST FRANK DOING IT ON HIS OWN?

OKAY. EXCELLENT.

SO THAT IS IN FACT A POSSIBILITY.

I APPRECIATE YOUR ENTHUSIASM,

BUT WHILE WE'RE REFINING THOSE IDEAS,

LET'S COMMIT TO A COUPLE OF SIMPLE THINGS.

WHAT ARE THEY?

WELL, LET'S SEND THOSE LETTERS TO THE PRIME MINISTER.

MARGARET THATCHER'S GOING TO GET QUITE A SURPRISE

WHEN SHE LOOKS IN HER MAILBOX.

YES.

AND SECONDLY,

THERE IS A PLAN TO FIND ANY NATTY WHITE THING YOU MIGHT HAVE--

HERE, THERE YOU GO. LIKE THAT AND THAT, YOU KNOW.

OH, I GOT ONE OF THESE FLICKY THINGS

ON THE FRONT OF PONY MAGAZINE.

WE'RE THINKING THAT YOU COULD WEAR THEM

AS AN ARMBAND OR A BRACELET,

YOU KNOW, TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT.

THAT'S A BIT OF A COMEDOWN, ISN'T IT?

ONE MINUTE I'M OFFERING TO COMMIT MASS MURDER,

AND NOW ALL YOU WANT ME TO DO IS WEAR A WHITE BRACELET.

I'M NOT SURE IT'S GOING TO GO

WITH WHAT I LIKE TO THINK OF AS MY SIMPLE COUNTRY STYLE.

COULD I JUST WEAR, LET'S SAY, A WHITE SHIRT INSTEAD?

NO, YOU CAN'T, DAVID.

THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU WEAR SOMETHING REALLY VISIBLE,

YOU KNOW, TO SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO

CRACK THE PROBLEM OF POVERTY ONCE AND FOR ALL.

FAT CHANCE OF THAT. I COULDN'T EVEN CRACK RUBIK'S CUBE.

DO YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING A DISTINCT FEELING

OF NON-COMMITMENT IN THIS ROOM,

WHICH IS A SHAME, REALLY,

BECAUSE I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT YOU'D ALL COME WITH ME

AND MARCH ON THE G-8 SUMMIT IN GLENEAGLES IN JULY,

SPORTING YOUR ARMBANDS WITH PRIDE,

AND, YOU KNOW, CARRYING YOUR BIG BANNERS SAYING,

"WE'RE AS MAD AS HELL, AND WE'RE ACTUALLY MAD."

PRETTY UNLIKELY, I THINK.

I MIGHT POP UP FOR A GAME OF GOLF.

OKAY. I KNOW WHEN I'M BEATEN.

LOOK, THERE IS A WEBSITE ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST HAVE A QUICK LOOK ON THAT,

AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY, OKAY?

GOOD IDEA.

OKAY.

OH, LOOK, IT'S HUGO WITH A BEARD.

NO, ALICE, THAT'S GEORGE CLOONEY.

OH, RIGHT.

I'VE GOT A RABBIT ON MINE.

MY PROBLEM WITH THIS THING IS,

WHAT GOOD WILL WEARING IT DO, ANYWAY?

WELL, IT WILL SHOW THE POLITICIANS

THAT SAVING LIVES IS A TIP-TOP PRIORITY.

YES, WELL, I'M NOT SURE THAT IT IS A TIP-TOP PRIORITY.

I MEAN, I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE CONDOM MACHINE IN THE PUB.

YES, NOW, THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE.

I TOLD THEM TO TAKE IT DOWN STRAIGHT AWAY.

NO--NO--NO, AND PUT UP A BIGGER ONE.

OH, DO SHUT UP, YOU MEN. I'VE FOUND IT. HERE, LOOK.

"makepovertyhistory.org

CLICK HERE IF YOU'RE UNDECIDED ABOUT WHETHER TO WEAR THE WHITE BAND."

OKAY, WELL, THAT IS DEFINITELY US, ISN'T IT?

OKAY, RIGHT.

WELL, GATHER ROUND, THEN.

COME ON, EVERYBODY. MAKE SURE YOU CAN SEE.

AND SEVERE PAIN TO ANYBODY WHO TALKS DURING THIS.

CAN WE WHISPER REALLY QUIETLY?

OHH!

I DID WARN YOU, OWEN.

RIGHT, CAN EVERYONE SEE? OKAY, HERE WE GO.

( speaking foreign language )

WELL, THERE WE GO.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

THAT WAS RATHER MORE SERIOUS THAN I HAD EXPECTED.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS SORT OF THING WON'T DO AT ALL, WILL IT?

NO--NO--NO LONGER.

THANKS.

SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, BEST BIRTHDAY I'VE EVER HAD.

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ♪

♪ I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪