Original subtitles

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ♪

♪ I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME ♪

♪ TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪

Director: OKAY. HERE WE GO THEN.

AND THREE, TWO, ONE. ACTION.

YEAH, I'M JUST WATCHING THE RUGBY.

I'M ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH IT SINCE THE WORLD CUP.

OH, SPLENDID. WHAT'S THE SCORE?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Alice: LOOK AT JOHNNY WILKINSON'S THIGHS.

INSTEAD OF HE'S GOT LUCKY TESTICLES--

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FILMING THIS.

TO SAY, "I WISH I WAS HIS TESTICLES."

IMAGINE NESTLING ON THOSE THIGHS

EVERY TIME HE SITS DOWN.

OH...

I JUST WISH I WAS HIS TESTICLES.

JOHNNY'S THIGHS ON WIDESCREEN. YEAH!

( laughing )

THERE'S AN AUDIENCE OUT THERE!

MADAME GERALDINE, DAWN FRENCH!

( cheering, clapping )

( Ragtime piano music playing )

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

NOW THAT SMACK THAT YOU'LL DO NOW

IS QUITE MAJORLY VICIOUS.

OH...

YEAH. YEAH.

IT'S WAKE UP SMACKY.

...SOMETHING FROM SOPRANOS.

( ragtime piano music playing )

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I REMEMBER GETTIN' UP ON DAVID'S FACE THE FIRST TIME HE SAW ME.

I KNOW.

WELL, NO, IT WASN'T QUITE LIKE THAT.

NO, IT WAS MORE

SORT OF...

NO, IT WASN'T LIKE--

IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER, ALICE.

OH, GOD, I'VE CRICKED MY NECK.

HAVE YOU? OW!

DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU? YES!

THEN DON'T RUN AWAY THEN.

SORRY!

I REALLY HAVE BROKE MY NECK.

JUST THERE. REALLY HARD. HARDER.

Man: COMEDY IS A VERY DANGEROUS BUSINESS.

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

OH! CUT IT OUT, WILL YA, GIRL?

GEEZ, YOU'RE MAKING ME MEAN...

LISTEN, YOU BIG GOLIATH. LOOK AT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.

WHAT'S HAPPENED THERE. I CAN SEE YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPIN'.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

OH, YES, YES. IT'S ABOUT FRANK.

YES, YES, LIKE THAT?

NO, NO!

YOU SHOCKED ME! NO, NO.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

( chatter )

( incoherent chatter )

THAT'S SUCH A STRANGE THING--

Director: DON'T SAY IT THEN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. JUST SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

YEAH. I'D LIKE THAT.

SHALL WE GO IN?

WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR ALICE TO BRING THE CHILDREN DOWN.

THEY WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS,

BUT THEY'RE VERY LITTLE, SO CONGRATULATIONS IS HARD TO PRONOUNCE.

SO THEY'RE GOING TO SAY "NICE ONE."

HELLO, RAGGY AND MARC.

HELLO, LEGOLAS, GANDALF AND 50-CENT.

( chuckling )

HELLO--YOU WANT ME TO SAY "50-CENT"?

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL GET THAT?

HELLO, 50-CENT.

AND HELLO, LITTLE NADIA, BIG BROTHER...

OH...

WHEN YOU CAME INTO THE ROOM YESTERDAY,

WHERE DID YOU PUT YOUR CHILDREN?

WHERE DID ALICE PUT HER CHILDREN?

I SHOVED THEM IN THE CUPBOARD AND WENT, "STAY THERE!"

Alice: WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THE VICAR, CHILDREN?

All: WE LOVE OUR GAY VICAR.

NO, NO, NO. THAT WAS THE OLD ONE.

THE NEW ONE.

All: NICE ONE, AUNTY VICAR.

IN A WAY, I THINK IT SHOULD BE, "NICE ONE, VICAR,"

RATHER THAN "NICE ONE, AUNTY VICAR."

DON'T YOU? YEAH.

NICE ONE, VICAR.

I TOLD YOU WE'VE CUT IT.

( laughing )

French: THAT SHOULD BE THE LITTLEST ONE, REALLY.

...AGAIN, LOVE, 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT TWO.

HELLO, NICHOLAS, HELLO, PATRICK.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, CHILDREN.

( choir sings )

♪♪

♪♪

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♪♪

AND I THINK WHEN YOU SAID IT, BUT IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT.

I THINK YOU SHOULD STILL BE IN THAT MODE A LITTLE BIT

AND MAKE A LITTLE NOISE.

( no audio )

( laughing )

THAT'S NICE.

IT'S SUCH A BOY THING TO DO THAT.

BE AS SWEET AS POSSIBLE. SHE MAY BE WATCHING.

EVEN IF YOU'RE THE QUEEN, YOU'RE DELIGHTED

WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.

SHE MIGHT THROW UP HER BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

THE QUEEN'S WATCHING "THE VICAR'S GIBLEY."

AND SHE CHOKED...

( all laughing )

WRITTEN BY RICHARD CURTIS.

REFERRED TO HER AS "MINGTASTIC."

"MINGNIFICENT."

Man: WE ARE NOT AMUSED.

OKAY.

THESE DAYS ARE MAD BECAUSE YOU SPEND THE WHOLE DAY

FROM 9:00 IN THE MORNING TILL 6:00 DOING CAMERA REHEARSAL.

AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SHATTERED BY THE END.

AND THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO ZOOM YOUR ADRENALINE UP

FROM THERE TO THERE... AND DO A SHOW.

I SAY THIS WITH EVERY SOMETHING OR OTHER...

( laughing )

WHAT?

( laughing )

( giving instructions )

OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY. PICK UP. WE'RE STILL RUNNING.

( choir singing )

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

IT'S QUITE A CONTROVERSIAL THESIS,

AND IT TOOK A LITTLE BIT OF TIME FOR ME TO...

TO...

TO...

♪ TWO TO TANGO TWO TO TANGO...♪

( laughing, clapping )

NOT TONIGHT, DARLING.

( laughing )

PRAISE THE LORD.

HE'S COMING DOWN THE BIRTH CANAL.

HERE HE COMES NOW

WHEE WHEE WHEE WHEE WHEE.

LOOK, THE MADONNA'S FULLY DELIGHTED.

DELIGHTED.

SEA SHELL...

SHE SHALL NOT NEED

♪ AN EPISIOTOMY ♪

( laughing )

I THOUGHT... I THOUGHT...

RICH TEA...

NOT TO BE USED TO...

I'M NOT SURE.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIT TWISTED ABOUT THIS.

I THINK, ACTUALLY,

...REPRESENTS MIGHT BE BETTER WITHOUT THE REPEAT.

REALLY?

MY GOOD FRIENDS, ACTUALLY.

ME AND GOD'S ULTIMATE SOMETHING OR OTHER...

( laughing )

OH, WHAT EXCITEMENT.

SPEECH, SPEECH.

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

( laughing )

HE HASN'T REMEMBERED THAT LINE FOR THE WHOLE WEEK.

( laughing )

IT'S ONLY TWO WORDS...

IT'S ABOUT TWO WORDS: SPEECH, SPEECH.

YEAH, MAN!

BOOM-CH!

I'M NOT GOOD YET.

OH! CHCK! AH!

♪ IT'S GONNA COME TO PASS YO HERE ♪

( imitating boom box )

WHERE'S THAT GOING? I'M TRYING.

♪ HIS NAME IS JEEZ-ASS! ♪

♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE BAD HE'S GONNA SCREW YA ♪

♪ YEAH! ♪

WHAT D'YOU THINK?

...RAP STAR, JAMES FLEET, DON'T YOU THINK?

( cheering, clapping )

I FELT THOSE. I WANTED YOU TO GO RIGHT.

DO THAT AND THEN JUST SCREAM.

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND HOW COMEDY WORKS.

RIGHT. I'LL DO THAT.

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE IT'S THE END OF A LONG EPISODE.

AND ALSO... AND ALSO WAKE UP

OR WE'RE GOING TO... FOR A HALF HOUR. YES.

OUR COMEDY SHOW AND FIND THEMSELVES 70 MINUTES LATER

STILL WATCHING THE TELEVISION.

THE HORROR THAT IS,

THE CHRISTMAS VICAR OF DIBLEY.

Vicar: I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD EVER

HAVE THOUGHT OF LEAVING.

THIS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE PLACE FOR ME.

GOD BLESS YOU.

HAVE LOADS MORE CHRISTMAS SPECIALS.

SEE YOU NEXT CHRISTMAS.

SEE YOU SAME SLOT NEXT CHRISTMAS DAY.

♪ FOREVER ♪

THAT'S NOT BAD, THAT'S NOT BAD.

I THINK SHE DID IT VERY WELL THAT TIME.