All language subtitles for The Grand-ish Tour - 01x02 orig.Addic7ed.com

Dead?

He could be.

It's incontinence.

Oh.

- Look at his wipe-down chair.
- No, wait.

- Oh, no, he's here, he's here.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello, and indeed, hello and welcome.

Hum… What are we talking about
in this show? Oh, I know.

We have built a lot of stuff
over the years, really a lot.

Yeah, when you say "built",

you don't mean "built" in the sense
of assemble all the correct materials

in the proper order
so they last for centuries,

like the Acropolis,
or Clifton Suspension Bridge,

or Newcastle upon Tyne.

You mean hastily throw together
a load of stuff

and then sit back
and inevitably watch it fall apart.

And you are the king of that,
I'll grant you.

There was that
catastrophic MGD that you tried.

That was rubbish.
And then it was rubbish all over again.

You took a perfectly good Mercedes,

ruined it and called it The Excellent.

- It was excellent, that.
- Except it wasn't

- in anyway whatsoever.
- I heard that bit.

And it's not just cars, if only it were.

Remember you tried building a machine
to break the water speed record.

Even the engine testing was a disaster.

- You can't even fit your hearing aids.
- They're not working.

He hasn't heard any of that.
You'll have to start again.

In many ways, the MGD puts me
in mind of an Audi R8 Spyder.

I mean, okay, in the Audi,

the dials would work, and the switches.

And the brakes.

And the steering.
And it's a bit less bouncy. But…

Oh.

What?

Just this…
Sorry, sorry, I'll be back.

- What are you doing anyway?
- I liked that one.

I'm charging my hearing aids up.

But you've ruined the television.

- It'll be back.
- We've got nothing to look at.

But…

both of them

are four-wheel drive
two-seater drop-head V8s.

There is, however, one very
big difference between the two cars.

You can't do this in an Audi.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Moments ago, I was haring round
a handling track, and now look.

It is brilliant.

Oh no, not now, you bastard.

I mean, you wonderful thing.

Choke.

The, yeah, that…

It's on its shut-down thing.
It's just to save fuel.

It goes on two cylinders sometimes.

As I got going
for the second time,

I realised I'd been a bit of a chump.

The mistake I've made, of course,
is that I've introduced you to this car

before I've really tested it.

That's not what car-makers do.

They test a car and then show it
to the press and the public.

I'm doing that the other way round.
I'm introducing this to you

before I've done the testing.

Oh, Christ sake.

You little beauty.

It's a car
I have justifiably called The Excellent.

The internal organs
from a Land Rover Discovery

mated to the beautiful skin
of a glamorous Mercedes SL

to create a vision of pure…
What's the word?

Rubbish.

It's not rubbish.

Did you paint it with a brush,
or a bucket?

It's got those headlights that swivel
when you go round a bend, look,

so that they point at the road.

Okay.

Let me ask you this. Which would you
rather have, The Excellent

- or that Porsche?
- That Porsche.

Why?

Because it's better
in every single way.

To prove
my cynical colleagues wrong,

I invited them to go for a drive.

Oh, kind.

You see? It's an optional extra
for the shorter gentleman.

- You comfy, Hammond?
- No.

No. Is this as in as I can get?

Yeah.

Right, listen to this.

Oh no, it moves!

We'd only gone a few miles

before Richard and James
completely changed their minds

and realised that The Excellent
was the best car they'd ever been in.

No, we haven't! Stop saying things
in voiceover that aren't true.

Is it not?
I thought you'd changed your minds.

No. Maybe a bit.
It's worse than I thought.

Can I put the heater on?

That's not connected.

- Is it not?
- No.

What's that dial down there
by the left of the steering wheel?

Speedometer.

Why have you got that one
and not that one?

That doesn't work.

Has it got a fuel gauge?

Not as such.

- Has it got a temperature gauge?
- Not really.

There's a lot of wires hanging out of
the dash that aren't connected to things.

- Yes.
- You haven't given it an interior.

- I can see the road.
- I can as well.

No, there's a hole
in the floor.

While Hammond and May
had one or two minor issues,

they both agreed that if I were to put
my car into production,

it would make me a fortune.

No, we didn't agree to that either.

No, I've done the maths,
honestly.

The Discovery was
two and a half thousand,

Mercedes four and a half thousand,

- £7,000 for the work, that's 14,000 quid.
- Mm-hmm.

I could sell this for 120,000.

- No you couldn't.
- Yes, I could.

- No, you couldn't.
- A Cayenne Turbo is 120.

A Cayenne Turbo is a proper car
built by Porsche.

This is two scrap cars
glued together by a muppet.

It isn't designed for people like you.

- Oh!
- What? People with eyes?

People who can dress themselves
in the morning?

I'll tell you exactly
who will buy this car.

People who use roundy-ended scissors.

- Footballers.
- No, they won't.

Footballers like Ferraris and…

Yeah, and Bentleys and Range Rovers,
and Aston Martins and all that.

Not this thing.

To prove them wrong again,

I decided to head
for the nearby Chelsea training ground.

These are people who understand cars,
not like you two.

Yeah, they understand cars.

That's why they buy Range Rover Sports
and Aston Martins.

They buy those things 'cause
they didn't know that you could do this.

- I like my car.
- It's shit.

They're flocking to it, aren't they?

You just watch.

At this point,
I dismissed my ignorant colleagues,

so that I could operate
the subtitle machine.

Tomorrow morning,
first thing,

I'm going to get rid of all my cars

and buy one of these.

What's perfect for me

is that there's loads of headroom.

This door,
it puts Rolls Royce to shame.

Do you know what I'm thinking?

You're thinking £120,000 is too cheap.

I think this is…

flipping amazing!

So, did you get any orders?

I noticed that the car park was still
full of Mercedes G-Class when we left.

- I saw that.
- Yeah.

Listen.

I could put this into an auction,
one of those posh upmarket ones,

and it would sell for £120,000.

It would not!

To prove them wrong, again.

"Hand-crafted
by a renowned British atelier.

"Sympathetically marries the chassis
of the esteemed…"

- Did you write this?
- You hammered that bit onto that bit.

"The interior would benefit
from some minor attention."

- Well, it would.
- Yes, with a hand grenade.

Lot number 132.

Soon, the auction was underway.

285 for the Countach.

See, the Countach just went for £285,000.

I think I'm going to sell The Excellent
for more than theirs.

And then, it was time.

Moving on
to lot number 138a,

The Excellent.

It's a fantastic hand-crafted,
very unusual machine, as you can see.

I don't want your wit.

A beautiful, stylish,
Mercedes Benz coachwork.

Start me if you will on this at…

£425.

At £425. Any advance at 400…

- £500. 550 anywhere?
- Somebody's bid!

550 here.

600 here. 650, 650. 700 now.

- Rattling up.
- 700 anywhere?

700 here.

700. 800 now.

Let's go for a thousand.

Let's get going,
come on, let's sell this car.

£1,000 here on my right.

Are you bidding? Jeremy, are you bidding?

2,000 if you wish.

It's 2,500, 2,500.

3,000 now, it's 3,000 here.
3,500 anywhere?

3,100.

At 3,100, £3,200.

- At £3,500 pounds.
- It cost me 14,000.

4,000.

At £4,000.

At £4,000, any more?

At £4,000.

Come and see us after.
Thank you very much.

You just lost ten grand.

He could have just thrown it
down the lavatory.

The Jaguar Mark 2,
start me on this if you will.

£30,000 anywhere?

30,000? 20,000 then.

- Did you build all this?
- Yes.

- Can I just ask?
- What?

What is the current speed record
for amphibious vehicles?

39.1 miles an hour.

Well, isn't this rather overkill?

Listen, Usain Bolt can run
at 27 miles an hour on land, okay.

If he were waist deep in water,
he'd have a top speed of about one.

Water's really sticky.
You need loads of power.

I've got a word in my head
for all this, and it's impractical.

I've got a word, it's shut up.
We're going.

- Is it loud?
- Very.

That's fired up.

That's gonna drive air
into the big engine.

We've gotta get those in the green.

I hate it when you've got buttons.

I can't hear anything.

Ignited. Oh!

I'm gonna give it some thrust now!

Gonna go up to 100% power!

Right, as you can see, everyone,

this is fully road legal.

Lights, indicators, number plates.

- And a massive jet engine just behind us.
- Yes.

I've gotta change gear
and it's right where your penis is!

I never want your hand
that near my gentleman's sausage.

What are these things
above our heads exactly?

These are the stabilisation tanks, yeah?

When we get in the water, you lower
them down and they keep us afloat.

No, I've got that.
I got that when we fitted them.

But what we're now discovering is
they make us more stable on water,

but a lot less on land!

James,
why are you being so quiet?

I'm waiting for it to fall over.

Will you stop making
stupid childish noises?

I think we've done an incredible job

and I think I've been
a remarkable project leader.

Why has no one thought to do this before?

No, it's so logical when you look at it.

Eventually,
we arrived at the lake…

for our first high-speed test run.

And immediately, Hammond chickened out.

Why aren't you wearing
a fire suit?

Jet engines just aren't my thing.

I'm gonna watch this from the bank.

Are you really not coming in it?

No, I'm gonna watch.
I'm gonna be the observer.

Oh. She's ready.

My big fear is… Let's be modest
and say let's say we reached 80.

So from here,
we've got to have to just use drag

to slow us down
before we hit the far bank.

Well, we have to think ahead, yes.

Start decelerating
when you pass that midpoint.

Then you diff… You should be all right.

I think he's right.
The middle is the critical point.

Then just back off
the throttles.

And then we'll just use the drag
of the pontoons to slow us down.

Right.

Soon, James and I
were ready for the test,

and not at all nervous.

When we fire up the jet…

- Hmm?
- This Perspex that I put in here,

I put it in.

So, what if that just goes?

You shouldn't have said that.

You know, in Die Hard 2,

when the enormous soldier
is sucked into the engine?

Oh yeah, yeah, that's like that.

It will be like that, won't it?

Ready?

We are going in.

Oh, I feel buoyancy.

I am proud
of my two colleagues.

This is historic.

We are now gonna fire up
the jet engine.

Right, put your thing on.
It's gonna be bloody loud.

- What thing?
- Use this.

Right.

Comms check, comms check.

Dials are engaged.
This is the speedometer.

This is okay,
we've got ignitor on, bilge pump off,

throttle set at idle. Go.

Starting jet.

Holy shit!

It's going round! Don't look at it.

Don't look
in the rear-view mirror.

This is phenomenal!

Taking up the power now, 50%.

Is that 50%?

Yeah, that's about 50,
but 70 is 100.

What do you mean, 70 is 100?

I couldn't find a dial
that exactly matched the revs.

So 70 on here is 100% thrust.

I'm going full power, here we go.

Hold tight, you want
to hold on to something, seriously.

Right, go!

That's 100% thrust.

Right, well we're doing
two miles an hour.

Come on!

We're doing three!

Why is it so slow?

I mean,
that jet is from a Russian fighter.

That is capable
of keeping a Russian fighter in the air.

Why won't it make us go more than three?

In the air! That's the point! The air!

Hammond is keeping up with us.

That's it.

Come on!

Can I just say something?

- We're sinking.
- No, my half is sinking.

God, we really do need…

I'm gonna go into shore.

I don't think they needed
the neck braces in the end.

I don't know
what you're looking so smug about.

Maker of the world's
worst emergency vehicles.

Actually, yes, that's true.

Remember when we did
that completely unscripted film

that wasn't scripted at all?

Yeah.

And you decided, for some reason,
to build a Lada fire engine.

Jeremy and I went
to all the trouble and bother

of starting an actual fire
for you to show it off.

And what happened? It was rubbish.

And then,
for reasons I will never understand,

in Eastern Europe,
we proved we hadn't learnt our lesson

and we asked you to build an ambulance

out of the world's slowest car.

- Remember?
- Oh, yes.

- And he built it.
- He'd… yes.

It was idiotic.

- The Crosley.
- Do you still take milk in your tea?

Doesn't take tea anymore.
Straight through him.

Where were we? Oh, I know.

We were going to look at
his ridiculously useless

emergency vehicles.

Having travelled
a realistic distance from the road,

we soon had a bush fire on the go.

Oh, hello. Hello! Hello!

Yes!

- That is speeding things up, isn't it?
- Isn't it?

There you go.

What it's doing is catching on.

The wind moves it along
and it gets bigger. It's quite good.

- It's brilliant.
- Yeah, another bit there, look.

Then, we told James
to come and do his stuff.

Relax, I am coming
to put out the fire.

However,
because of his leisurely pace,

the fire had grown a bit
by the time he got there.

Jeez!

Pressure.

It's too big!

I've run out of water!

This isn't gonna work.

I think
what we've established here

is that he's only capable
of putting out fires

that he's started himself.

- Yeah, that are nearby and contained.
- Yeah.

I haven't got anything left!

Luckily, at this point,
the real fire brigade arrived.

Thank you!

Oh, bollocks!

Hammond's off.

What?

- Hammond's off.
- Shit.

Oh God.

I'm all right. Hurt my leg,
but I do need someone to come and get me.

James is on his way.

Who?

James.
James is on his way.

Oh, come on.

There you go.
I'm just thinking, what was

the most ambitious thing we ever built
on The Grand Tour?

It wasn't a reputation
for being excellent.

I don't think it was.
No, I mean I'm thinking of the Trebuchet,

that was pretty ambitious
and it kind of worked.

Three, two, one…

Oh, good, there it is.
I've got it, I've got it. There it is.

Oh, shit.

And then, making cars out of meat.

And mud.

Why did we make cars out of meat?

- They were eco cars.
- Oh yeah.

That's ecological.

Greenpeace are going to be ringing him up
at any moment.

So yours was made out of mud,

- mine was meat, and yours was–-
- I can't remember.

No, yours was straw.
Mine was meat.

Mine was mud

and yours was sort of growing.

It was like a garden centre.

Yes, 'cause a tractor shaved it.

James is making such a racket, isn't he?

It's worse than last time.

The difference on this trip,
while he's been tearing nature apart,

I've never felt closer to it.

Well, he's just messing everything up.

Holy cow.

Anyway, there was that, and then RVs.

RVs.

We set out to make RV-ing less miserable.

- Yes.
- And our ideas were brilliant.

No, our ideas were brilliant.
Yours was terrible.

Harsh.

This is what I've gone for.

It's the Ford F550 National Tropical
and it's 36 feet long.

Why so massive?

I wanted to modify it in such a way that
I brought a small taste of home with me.

Holy moly!

Wow!

Welcome to the Rack and Pinion.
What will it be?

- I'm in a pub!
- I'm staggered!

It's got peanuts on the wall.
Terrible pictures.

- This is fabulous!
- I know.

I've gone, as you can see,
for a nautical theme.

- In the desert?
- Yes, bear with me.

Two-tone paintwork, obviously.

Jet ski on the back,

and then, up on the top,

and this really is
the pièce de résistance,

the flying bridge.

What, so you can drive it
from outside?

- Why would you not do that?
- Because you built it.

- Wow!
- What?

Is this all bathroom?

Yes, obviously. Or lavatory.

Just pop this open like so.

- Wow.
- Lower the flap, which means that

in the morning I can

sit down and I can see the pub.

And also, look.

This is not some camping lavatory
where you defecate on a piece of plastic.

Observe.

It's a proper thing.

Well, where does that go?

Underneath the RV.

What,
to like a tank or something?

No, underneath the RV.

What you're going to drive off in your
bathroom leaving behind a mound of turds?

Yes.

Wow!

Oh, I say.

Well, this is wasted space normally,
isn't it?

Exactly.

It's pretty good this, Hammond.

- But hang on a minute.
- What?

This is very impressive, it's very…

Oh, yes!

So, that's something to look forward to.

Yeah, don't let skin
touch anything.

It's big and it needs to move along,
so a truck is the obvious answer.

- What sort of truck is it?
- I don't know. A truck.

Here's the living accommodation.

- What living accommodation?
- There's a bed.

There, bed.

Telescope in case I get bored
in the evening.

And then, rocking chair in case
of visitors and a motorcycle on the back.

- Engine?
- It's got a V8.

- Whose?
- Mine now, I bought the truck.

You have made
no effort whatsoever.

Oh no, now I have,
but I've distilled it down.

I haven't wasted time and effort
on complicated stuff I don't need.

This is honest.

So when you come to mine and say:
"Please Jeremy,

"can I borrow
your lavatory in the morning",

I'm gonna say no,
'cause you accused me of "wasting time".

And if you want to come to my pub
for a drink of your gin,

which I've put on tap specially for you,
I’ll say: "No, it’s a waste of time."

Well, I didn't realise we were
setting up a sort of stock exchange

of resources needed
by the roaming camper.

- Hammond?
- Yes.

Your lorry,
I'm not gonna call it an RV…

- It isn't an RV.
- … is dismal.

God streuth.

At the Rack and Pinion,
it was opening time.

Drop by for a beer later if you like.

It's a bit lively, sir.

I'm sorry, but the pub has been on
the move and rattled around quite a bit.

If you leave that just to settle
for a few minutes.

I'll try a warm brown please.

More foamy?

A little bit foamy. If you'd like
to just let that settle for a bit, sir.

I think I'll go with the Jack Daniel's.

There is a compound there
where you take your dog for a crap.

- Is that a dog lavatory?
- Yes.

My porch overlooks it.

Back at the pub,
James was entertaining his guests

with his conversation.

What you call "warm British beer"
to us is "cellar temperature",

which is not as cold as a refrigerator,
but colder than room temperature.

Right, right, right.

Anybody mind if I have one?

- No, help yourself.
- No.

Since we didn't fancy
another night in a horrible RV park,

and we had all the comforts we needed,

we decided
to freestyle it in the wilderness.

Oh yeah.

Now we are getting
into the great outdoors.

Hammond and May decided to go
"as the crow flies".

Whereas I took the longer route.

On a gentle track.

Oh, this is just heaven.

A lavatory with a flying bridge.

I mean, what I've done here

is I have turned one of the most
dreary driving experiences in the world

into one of the best.

I honestly believe that sometimes,
my genius…

it generates gravity.

Meanwhile, on the rougher route.

Oh, shit!

Wow, shit!

Hammond, your bike's fallen off.

Bloody hell, I'll go back and get it.

I wouldn't bother,
to be honest.

The going wasn't getting
any smoother.

Jesus!

Hammond, my windscreen's
falling out. It's fallen, it's broken.

Oh, dear.

You know you're gonna have
to take the rest of it out, don't you?

Well, you are.

You can't. I mean, that's not…

advisable, is it?

No.

Thank you for your input.

Eventually, all three of us
were reunited at our destination:

Red Lake.

This is like a scene
out of Independence Day.

Jeff Goldblum, Will Smith,
that drunk man.

Yeah, that's pretty much us.

A bit of a bump there.

Jet ski's fallen off.

I probably should tell him,

but my radio's on the seat down there

and it would be irresponsible
to take my hand off the wheel.

Before I tell him about that, I think
I'll help him along with it a bit.

Here we go.

James must have a problem
with his brakes, 'cause he can't stop

and keeps hitting
the back of the jet ski.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It doesn't work so well on sand.

Clarkson, your jet ski's fallen off

- just then.
- What?

Slowing it down.

Just easing it down.

- Is it broken?
- Oh yes.

I had to swerve like mad to avoid it.

It's a good job I was behind you.

If there was nobody there to see that,
you could have dragged that for 50 miles.

How long
have I been dragging it for?

20, 30 feet.

Having cut
the ruined jet ski free…

We resumed our journey
across the lake bed.

Gotta open the pub in 10 minutes.

Hey, Priscilla!
Is it nice and breezy up there?

Going for the relaxed,
easy driving style, now.

There it is.

First time I've ever driven
with my feet up, and I like it.

Oh, hell!

Jesus Christ!

Might ease it down a bit.

Shit!

My steering works, but I have no gears

and no throttle and no braking.

I'm gonna have to retake control.

Here we go.

Where's he going?

He's abandoned his steering.

It's jammed!

- What?
- It's jammed.

I can't open the hatch!

Well, I can't open it!

The hatch is jammed.

Guys, could you do
like a pincer movement, okay?

Come alongside me at the same time

and try and slow me down.

Okay, guys, come in!

Roger.

Okay, match my speed, match my speed.

Matching your speed.

Steering in, steering in.

Okay, start the brakes, start to brake.

Braking, braking.

Okay, this is working, this is working.

My fuel tank is just down there, so…

Oh, [bleep]!

Oh, it's worked a bit.

Okay, that's a small accident there.

Bloody hell, that worked, it's stopped!

But now you've gotta get it in neutral.

- Well, how do I get in?
- I don't know!

There's a ladder at the back.

- Go down the ladder.
- We have to shut it down.

It's trying to run away!

I've got my foot hard on the brake.

If we let go, it will take off.

Right, down the back, the window
should be aligned with your flat.

Use a bar stool.

Go to the back, where the windows are.

No, I can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

- I can't do it.
- Put your feet in first.

- Hammond!
- What?

We need Hammond, he's little.

He can't get through the window,
I can't take my foot off the brake.

I hope to God
my handbrake holds,

'cause if it gives out, we've had it.

I can't get through the window.

Go in there, just put it in park.

Turn it off. What are you doing?

Putting that
in to make it easier. Look.

- Oh, right, that was my problem.
- Yeah.

I did that.

Pinched one!

- Right.
- Quick.

Neutral!

Has he done it?

- Yes, he has. Jeez.
- Neutral, I've shut it down.

Well done.

Do they work
like Apple "earpods"?

- You plug the box in and they charge up.
- Yeah.

Except they don't, obviously.

Well, they do.

No, you're using them wrong.
Let me have a look.

Now, be careful with them.

I will be very careful,
because I think you'll find,

if you look at the shape of these,
yeah…

- Is he putting the wrong bit in, is he?
- No, no, no.

These are new. You swallow them.

Just wash them down with a bit of squash.

And then, they work.

Oh, I've just thought

of one thing we built that did work.

John.

That's a chopper.

- There, look.
- Yep.

- Wow.
- Look at that.

What's he dropping?

- So that's him gone, then.
- He's not landing.

No.

And we're alone with three boxes
full of quiche or something.

Well, let's go and have a look then.

That's it.

Stand clear.

- What's in…
- The hell…

Oh, shit, is that an engine?

That's an engine.

- That is a rear axle.
- It is.

- That's a master cylinder.
- Guys.

I don't need to look in the other one.

There's enough spare parts
to build a car.

- Oh, come on.
- Yeah.

What's that?

- That's the town, then.
- Moron.

- And that's the start.
- We're here.

- It says "Map not to scale".
- There's a surprise.

That's not very useful, is it?

Well, we've got to go northeast,
haven't we?

- But how far is that?
- We don't know. Says hundreds of miles.

Eventually,
the giant Airfix kit was laid out.

- There.
- Yep.

Push forwards. Yes.

Well done.

- It is on its own wheels! Look at that.
- Rolling chassis, wow.

- This is the canopy fixing kit.
- That's the one.

James and Richard
then cracked on with the oily stuff…

Yes.

And since it didn't require
any actual skill,

I was allowed to help make the body.

I have made a door!

You have.
That is a door. Brilliant.

I am a manufacturer of doors!

Our car was finally finished.

Here we go.

Yes!

- Oh, my God, it works!
- Good, okay right.

Oh, James, important thing.

In Mongolia, when you start on a journey,
you have to turn right.

- Is that true?
- Yes, that is true.

- Is that a thing?
- Yeah, it is genuinely a thing.

Every time.
If you begin a journey, you go right.

- Right, here we go.
- This is it.

- Right, James. Right, right, right!
- Right, right, right!

- Right.
- That's a rut or something.

James, you can't…
You're going left!

Hang on, the wheels are t… Eh?

Just turn it. Okay, go left.
And now set off.

The steering's back-to-front,
Hammond. How have we done that?

What do you mean,
it's "back-to-front"?

Well, look, I'm turning left.

No, you're not, You're going
straight, turn it the other way then.

The other way that's straight.

And now,
I'm turning right and it's going left.

So I need to keep…

What have you two been doing
for the last two days?

We've put the hydraulic pipes
on the wrong way round for the steering.

Having fixed this minor issue,

we set off… again.

It works!
And we're going along.

Our car is great.

- The ride is good.
- It's not bad, is it?

It's genuinely brilliant.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Wait a minute.

- Wow.
- Oh, my God!

That's the Sandy Bit.

That's massive!

It would be the first real test

for our hastily built homemade car.

That's what I meant,
that's what I meant.

It's gonna go!

Yes.

That worked!

What the temperature is doing
is plummeting.

Where's the heater?

- Ah. There isn't one.
- Yes.

Oh, come on.

You can thank Mr. Wilman for that one.

Bump.

I tell you
what I thought of in the night.

Yes?

We should give
our vehicle a name.

I thought about that.
I came up with Genghis Car.

That's really good!

Not bad, is it?

The only slight problem with it
is Genghis was quite a big murderer.

Let's not name it after him, then.

- John.
- John's a good solid name, I like it.

It's honest, it's unpretentious.

Dependable people are called John.

- Yes.
- John Lewis.

- That is a dependable shop.
- Isn't it?

Yeah, exactly, because it's called John.

That looks a lot steeper from here
than it did from back there.

- You got it, you got it, yes!
- Come on, John.

- Wow!
- Come on.

He's hopping up this hill
like a rabbit.

That is a remarkable sight.

What a machine you are, John!

Good.

- Yeah!
- That's amazing.

John, the mountaineer of many places,

has shaken his own brake pedal off,

but has made it!

That's the first car ever
to pogo up a hill.

We eventually arrived
at the Bumpy Meadow,

which didn't sound too bad.

However…

Proper bumpy.

We'll get a smooth bit, smooth.

Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.

I'm afraid it's over.

This is raining quite heavily now.

What's happening above me here, look?
It's…

Above you?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well, James, I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen, has wet himself.

You need to work on that.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh oh oh!

Oh, dear.

Can we just see that on that camera?

That's our camera tracking car.

- It's stuck. Are we stuck?
- John isn't.

- No.
- John is not stuck.

Oh, here we go.
In three, two, one,

dump that clutch.
Dump it.

- And we're free! John!
- John has done it.

John has succeeded!

John has pulled the mass-produced
Toyota Land Cruiser

out of the mire!

Here's the message we're giving you all:
buy Mongolian!

Slow down!

It's fine. This is an off-roader.

It will go, it will…
Oh, that's not supposed…

I can save this.

He's rolled it.

It's all right,
I'm used to this!

Okay, and we're…

John is wading!

Wow, that's a glacial run-off,
and it's unbelievably cold!

Whoa, that's…oh no.

Okay, James,
I now have a freezing starfish.

It's all the way up to my arse.

Here we go.
This is good, this is good.

That's it. Left hand down.

We've nearly done it.

- John can swim.
- I'm staggered.

- Yeah, John!
- I am staggered.

Honestly, have you ever seen
an off-roader like that?

What a machine.

This is his hardest work yet.

I can't believe what
he's capable of off-road, I'm staggered.

I have genuinely never seen
a better off-road car than this.

No, it's astonishing.

I think NATO will be ordering
20,000 of these when they see this.

It hasn't been easy, has it?

- It really hasn't.
- It really hasn't.

That's why Mongolia has just been

a constant source of wonderment,

the actual business
of getting across it has been,

by far and away,

the most difficult, gruelling,
arduous journey we've ever done.

Fact is, though,

we couldn't have done
any of that without John.

- No. He's been incredible.
- Look.

Oh, my God.

I've never wanted to arrive
anywhere more than just there.

Here we go, and as we go
past the sign, we're officially there.

We're arriving! We are here!

- We're in Moron!
- Hello, Moron, we love you!

Hello, Moron!

Think I'm right in saying

that in all the years we worked together,

the most amount of questions I ever had

- about a car was John.
- Yeah.

Probably even thousands of people
have said to me over the years:

"What happened to John",
and it is the saddest story.

There was
some complicated tax reason that…

- Because we'd built the car in Mongolia.
- Yes.

It would count as an export or something.

If we'd brought it out,
it would be an ex…

And it was just the most difficult.

It was very complicated.
It was easier just to shoot him.

- Well, it wasn't.
- Kill him.

Yes, brutally. Yes, you're right,
that's exactly what happened,

but no, it was sad,
because, you know, we really…

John did worm his way
into all of our hearts.

It was very sad
that just to keep the taxman happy

he had to be disassembled

and put on the scrap heap.

How many cars I've brought back
from The Grand Tour shootings and kept?

Got the Lincoln from Scotland.

- The Alfa GTV6.
- Yeah.

I've got the Buick Riviera Boat-tail,
I kept that.

- Subaru, kept that.
- Martin?

- Martin, yeah.
- You kept Martin?

Kept Martin, yeah.

Chevrolet SSR, because everybody needs

- a convertible two-seater pickup.
- They do.

- Er…
- Have you got Annie?

Yeah, I've got the beach buggy.

I remember you keeping that.

And the Triumph Stag.

The Stag? Oh, my Lancia, yeah.

I've still got my Capri.

The only one I actually use,
I think, on a pretty much…

well not certainly week to week basis,
is the GTV6.

I use the beach buggy.

- Do you?
- Mmm.

I use my Subaru regularly,

but I am terrified for my licence.

You don't need a driving licence anymore.

- Do we not?
- Mobility scooter

- from here to the canteen.
- Yeah, it works.

And this
to come back here again.

I'll tell you what I'd like to talk about
at this stage, if I may.

I know this is a subject
close to your heart, James.

Drag races.

- Yes.
- We've done a lot.

Many, and it's important to remember,

drag races are not just cocking about.

They are science.

And an art form,
because every drag race tells a story.

Yes, and the story is:
which of these cars is the fastest?

That's the synopsis, yes.

So, what I'm thinking is here,

when the lights go green,

what's a quarter of a mile,
just beyond the church?

- Yeah, something like that.
- Perfect.

What if the police come?

He won't, he's in Beverly Hills,
I've seen the movie.

Why can't we just do this on a racetrack
or a runway like we usually do?

Because we're here to prove
that this is a racetrack.

Detroit is empty now and should
just be used for this sort of thing.

Yes, but it isn't an actual racetrack.

No, it is.

- This is where the muscle car was born.
- We can't do it.

- Why can't you do it?
- Dodge only lent me that car

if I promised not to do
any drag racing on the road with it.

What? That's what it's for.

I know, I know.

- That's literally what it's for.
- Yes, I know,

but that's the way it is, I'm sorry.

Do you think it's an insurance?

It is, it's because it's him.

- No.
- It's because it's you.

"Who's driving it?"
"Richard Hammond."

- "You can't drive it."
- It's just what they said

and I'm really sorry,
so we can't do it, I'm sorry.

We can.

Air con is off.

May got a good start.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

It's only a one car length in it.

Easy.

Bloody Nora, that was close.

But I got a terrible start.

So we gotta do it again, May.

I'm in first gear.

Wow!

I can't do it! It's spinning its wheels.

You do know
you're both too old for this, don't you?

For driving muscle cars
up and down the public roads of Detroit

because nobody else is using them?

Well, Richard Hammond
certainly isn't using them.

Since it was one all and we were
having enormous fun annoying Hammond,

we decided to go again.

I gave him my word
I wouldn't use launch control.

And I'm simply going
to go back on that and not tell him.

That was a good gear change.

So was that,
but there's just nothing I can do

to get up
with that thousand-horsepower monster.

Okay, this is it.

The race between good and evil.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

- We ready?
- No!

What's happening?

I've got a couple of things
to do before we start.

Are you saying you can't just
drag race this now?

You've gotta do it properly,
this is a proper drag racing car.

What is he doing?

This is what you get
when you buy a Demon.

Costs you an extra dollar
and you get this crate.

It's like a picnic hamper for men.

Then, underneath, and to either side,
I've got boxes with the new EC,

I've got everything I need.

- ECU?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at that.

He's got this enormous crate

and some bags and tins,

full of tools.

With two space savers and…

Space saver wheels?

Hang on.

Why are you putting space savers on it?

They're drag racing tyres,
they're lighter.

I don't need grip at the front, do I?
They've just gotta steer.

What else does he have to do,
apart from change the wheels?

Er, he's got a new ECU to fit.

- He's… that… You serious?
- Yes.

So it's not really
a drag racing car at all.

It will be
once he's completely rebuilt it.

I've gotta take back tyre pressure
down to 20 psi.

Nice, fat, squishy contact patch.

Exactly 25 minutes so far

it's taken him to do
his quarter-mile run.

Oh, so this is where it breathes
through its eye.

Look at that.
That goes at the back of its eye, look!

So…

Hammond, that is a significant component.
What is it?

Air filter.

Does it not have an air filter?

Yeah, but this is a performance one,
it's gonna gulp through air.

Right, so that's it, good.

Yep, now I've gotta do the ECU.

Which goes in here, I believe.
I'll have to take that out, I think.

So he's now got a different ECU
just telling the engine to be powerful.

Right, why didn't they just
put that one in from the start?

Oh God…

He's now refuelling his car
with a special… How many octane?

It's ethanol and gasoline mixture,
er… 104.

After the refuelling,
we hoped he was done.

But no.

Right, hang on a minute,
I've gotta put it in neutral

to get that in the middle.

Hammond,
you're taking the whole dashboard off.

Yeah, this has to come out, 'cause I'm
gonna put in a new control panel here.

I get a new button on it.

He's taking the whole centre console out,
the whole of that.

He's had to put it in neutral
to lift it all off.

- What for?
- Because you can then fit a button,

that enables him to select
what sort of fuel he's running on.

Why don't they just put that in
from the start?

So this all goes back in here,
with my new switch gear in.

It's an hour and seven minutes.

Actually, you're right, it is.
It's over an hour now.

God.

There we go.

Finally,
the rebuild of the Demon was complete.

And it was time for the drivers
to warm their tyres.

In three, two, one, burn out!

Right, your tyres are warm.

Are you now ready?

What?

Are you ready
to come to the start line?

- No!
- What do you mean, no?

No, that was just
a celebratory burnout.

- Oh, jeez, he's got out.
- I've done all the building work,

now I've gotta set the car up.

I've gotta get in the right modes,
there's stuff to do, mate.

Oh, I've had enough.
I'm sorry, I've had enough.

Bye.

We're never gonna do this.

So, I need to go into drag.

Drag mode activating. Excellent.

Drag transmission, drag traction, power.

So power needs to go up

to 840.

We are now in high octane.

Finally, we were ready to go.

I'm gonna bust your ass,
evil boy.

Oh, yes.

I'm getting ahead!
I think I'm getting ahead!

Come on, Demon!

So annoying.

Evil wins! Evil wins!

What the French
are building here

is a ring road in the sea.

Designed to cope with 30-foot waves
and win votes,

this engineering masterpiece

cost £112 million per kilometre

and it's 12 kilometres long.

It is, then,
the most expensive piece of tarmac

in the world.

I was just thinking
this incredibly expensive,

mind-bogglingly
complicated stretch of road

could serve a useful purpose.

Mm. Mm.

And so…

I don't really know
how to call this, to be honest.

I've got the least power,
but I've got the least weight.

Hammond and I both have
turbo-charging and four-wheel drive

and you don't want either of those things
in a drag race.

He, however, has got launch control.

Not that he knows how it works,
I should imagine.

"Trip…
I don't want trip. Settings."

"Driver assist."

"Launch control."

So it's…
Oh no, it's cut out. Wait.

Hammond's launch control is…

- Really?
- Yes.

Launch control is troublesome?
That's odd, because he's so useful at…

- What's that do?
- Leave it.

- What is it?
- You know what it is.

- I don't know what it is.
- Stop being an arse.

Why is the ignition key
on the outside?

It's in case you have a crash.

It's really annoying.
Mustn't lose that.

When James
had reassembled his car

and Richard had sorted out his tech,

we were ready to go.

This Frenchman in the yellow vest…

is he going to start the race,
do you think,

or throw a petrol bomb at me?

Three, two, one.

Bloody hell!

They got a better start.

Second, I'm rowing it through
as quickly as I can.

I am in front.

It's only 152 horsepower.

Now time to deploy the speed and power.

Bit late on that shift.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Stay… Oh, goddamn it!

I'm losing. I'm losing.

I'm the first person
to lose on this road.

The inaugural Réunion
coastal road drag race

was just ripped into by the Bentley.

Is it the face?

Is it the face?

Yeah, it's the face.

It's the face.

Track, check.

Traction, yes.

I've put it in launch,

which sets the rear two engines
in the first of their two gears.

The front two engines only have one gear.

I do not know how that works.

Why doesn't the car stretch
or overtake itself?

The simple
fact of the matter is,

that because this car
has no electrical gubbins,

it is, despite appearances,

the lightest car here.

And it has 730 horsepower.

So allow me please to demonstrate that
you can't beat old-time rock and roll.

Thrust mode!

Oh, my word!

Look at Hammond!

190, 200, 220, 2…
I can't speak fast enough!

James and I were now racing
only to see who'd be last.

Yes, come on, come on!

Goodbye, Mr. May.

Jesus wept!

That Rimac just [bleeps] off.

If that is the future, I am so ready.

I've never seen anything like that.

I've never seen anything
move as quickly as that.

Not with number plates.

Actually, that's the most remarkable
drag race of them all, that Rimac one,

'cause when you're
in the Lamborghini Aventador, as I was,

and he's in…

He's in that Honda NSX Hybrid,

you don't expect anything

to be demonstrably faster

than a Lamborghini Aventador.

The thing is, I've been told
to f… off a lot of times.

That's the first time
I ever knew how it feels

to actually just

f… off,

- 'cause I did.
- It was astounding.

- Gone.
- Whatever happened to that Rimac?

I didn't see it much after that.

No, I don't remember what happened to it
after that at all.

And the other thing as well
about drag races,

doing the drag races
is relatively straightforward.

- Yeah.
- You might think.

Sit there, foot down and go.

But then car makers started
making it unbelievably complicated.

Remember in The Holy Trinity,
the very first programme, we had

the Porsche, the Ferrari LaFerrari

and the McLaren P1.

We did a drag race
down the main straight at that track.

- Ten times? Twelve times?
- Yeah.

And we had a different result
on each occasion,

because the launch control systems
were so difficult.

I'm going
to get this wrong, just so you know.

I've got a lot to do in here.

They did become complicated.
And sometimes,

when we had a disastrous drag race,

it was the car maker's fault.

But sometimes, sort of our fault.

Yeah, but sometimes,
circumstances beyond our control.

It doesn't help
when the runway you're drag racing on

turns out to be a public road.

V6,

V8,

V12.

Which would be quickest?

Good start from the Jag.

My car is fast!

One gear, two gears.
Brilliant! It's working!

Hold on a minute.

That is… that's traffic.

The runway has traffic.
Holy shit, I'm gonna have a…

Wow!

Maniac!

Jeez, what the… Shit!

Oh, dear God!

Oh, that's a… I was going to hit that.

Holy moly!

That was the weirdest drag race
I've ever done.

This is not
an empty runway, is it?

I don't think
it's a runway anymore.

I think it might be a road.

Let's not do that again.

The Aston should absolutely cream this.

On paper it's faster to sixty,
and it's more powerful,

and it's lighter.

But it's rear-wheel drive,
and it's a wet track.

I have four-wheel drive
and launch control.

Only slight worry is
James has got them as well.

Here's my prediction.

Their four-wheel drive systems
and launch controls

will get them off the line quickly,

and then, once I've got the power down,

I'll just become a missile.

This is not a race to see who wins,

it's a race to see
which one of my colleagues loses.

Okay, here we go.

And we are away.

Can't get the power down.

Oh, feeling slithery!
That four-wheel drive doing its job.

Woah! Okay!

Bentley's reeling me in,
I don't think he's going to do it.

Come on, BMW.

Yes!

Where's Jeremy gone?

Interesting building here,
it's a government building.

Just going to have a look at it.

Yeah, right.

I therefore decided
that before we tried again,

I should do something about the weather.

So I got us, and all our crew vehicles,

to drive up and down the track
to try and dry it out.

This took quite a while.

How dry
are we gonna be able to get this track?

It's drying out
on James's side.

If we do another run with me there,
be all right.

Well, it's not hardly real-world is it,

choosing which bit of the road
you drive on to make your car faster.

As that is in fact exactly
what you do in a race, I ignored him,

and lined up on the dry line.

So, BMW, Bentley,
or the surface-to-air missile.

Which will win?

Amber.

Go!

It's a great start.

Jesus, it's still doing it.

80 miles an hour, 90 miles an hour.

Oh, it's going sideways again! Oh, my…

Oh shit!

Reel him in, reel him in.

Come on, BMW!

Bugger!

Well, there we are.
The Aston was by far

the most exciting to look at there,
as usual.

So, now, let's get some lunch.

Everybody else in the world has an iPod.

- I don't think you've got…
- What have you got a gramophone for?

It was my grandmother's.

We're fleeing from rebel forces.
Don't stand here doing a commentary.

Get in your truck.

I am ready to flee.

Here we go. Here we go.

Bit of a slow start for fleeing.

Wow, I may have lost a couple of things.

Oh, I've lost my bike!

I was so hoping
to have my bike available once I'd fled.

Bit of buffeting and I'm losing.

Oh, and Jeremy's getting away!

Storming ahead. I mean, storming.

Oh, a lot of glass!

There's glass everywhere.

That is not a lot of braking area.

My Lego!

Bicycle.

- This is our new life, chaps.
- This is…

Lego, cream, and a shit record.

Well, you say that…

- I'm gonna start again.
- Oh, no, we've got a chair!

- You say that.
- We're gonna be all right!

- I literally think we're okay.
- Yes.

Now, obviously,
all of that stuff was accidental.

But sometimes, I'll be honest,

we did do dicking about on purpose.

What's the matter,
is your door broken?

No, I'm broken. Can you
hold the door for me? Thank you.

Behold.

The Maserati Zagato Spyder.

No, Biturbo, mate.

- No, it's a Zagato Spyder.
- It is, they're all Biturbos.

See I think this was designed
when it was owned by Citroën,

which was bankrupt at the time.

Then, there was some guy in America
who had a bit of Maserati.

And then,
I think the Italian government or Fiat,

- they all sort of had bits of it.
- Right.

And they just ran around going:
"We made a new car, look."

It was exactly the same as the last car,
it just had a new name.

Excuse me, James.
I just want to see just…

- Oh, you've got like two-tone leather.
- Mmh.

But why have you got
an automatic?

I've bust my arm. That's why
it took a long time to get out.

- Have you really broken your arm?
- Which arm have you broken?

We'll be driving Maseratis
on a racetrack in continental Europe.

It just sounds good, doesn't it?

What's the matter with you?
Why does he look so miserable?

I've broken my arm.

Look,
if we're going to drive round a track,

can I at least have one of those
disabled knob things, you know?

On the steering wheel?

- Yeah, like a forklift truck has one.
- That sounds fair enough.

There you go.

Oh, God, it's the left-hander.

Bend the knob.

What is the matter with those two?

Clarkson!

What?

You've put… where's–
That is disturbing.

What's really annoying is what
have you done with my original vintage

VW gear knob,

- 'cause if you've lost that…
- Ah well, good news on that.

Giovanni has posted your original gear
lever back to your address in London.

- Has he?
- Yes.

What is the matter with you?
That's really offensive.

- Well, I think that's a bit sexist.
- No it's not.

Why would I want to drive along
with a rubber penis on there?

I don't know, I think you're weird.

For our American viewers,
James May is driving a dick shift.

Oh, shut up.

Jeez.

Oh, in the face!

And a red run,
by the looks of things.

What the…?

What the [bleep]?

That's what you get
for encasing my car in ice, I guess.

What?

Good.

All exits are clearly
marked with a sign overhead…

It's very unusual having
business class at the back, isn't it?

At this point, I decided to make
life even worse for Hammond and May

by making another call to their airline.

Thank you
for calling Jet Blue, how may I help you?

I'm really sorry to trouble you again,
it's Jeremy Clarkson here.

I spoke earlier about downgrading
Mr. May and Mr. Hammond

to economy class.

- Yeah.
- Well, I wonder if I could just

tell you in confidence,
they've both just come out of rehab.

So, on the flight,

could you make sure the attendants
don't give them any alcohol?

Thank you
for letting us know.

I will go onto the reservation
and make a note of this

and get this to our in-flight crew.

But we will make sure
to accommodate their special request.

Okay, thank you for your understanding.
Thank you so much.

Thank you, bye.

I think we should celebrate
our progress right now

as we're moving so well. Hello.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Can we have… Beer? Two beers, please.

Let me see.

So as it turns out, unfortunately,

I won't be able to serve you
any beer today.

- Can I offer you a water, Coke, Sprite?
- You've got no beer?

- No, I'm sorry.
- Wine. Wine?

Two glasses of wine? White wine.

I'm not quite
too sure why,

but unfortunately, I won't be able to.

Can I interest you
in some other beverages?

This is brilliant.

Why do they use
such long hoses in fire engines?

Well, in case
the fire's a long way away!

Right.

Oh, this is…

We could always tell him
that the roof seal was leaking.

Yes.

Yes.

If you've just joined us,

it's a difficult story to unpack.

I reckon you're about there, Hammond.

We assumed
James wouldn't discover our mischief

until he drove off.

However,

we didn't have to wait that long.

He's got to be cross!

Jesus!

The roof light
was open on your caravan.

- Yeah.
- You're so funny.

It's definitely corked.

Sorry.

I've never been
to a waxworks museum.

Ryan Reynolds?

- Oh, that's Paul Walker.
- Oh.

Then, in a room containing
what was probably Elvis Presley…

- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Yeah!

Nigel Mansell!
It isn't, though, is it?

He's got a moustache
that matches his eyebrows! It is!

But why would you have
Nigel Mansell?

I mean, why not Lewis Hamilton?

The reference is a bit
out of date. I mean, bless him, but…

- Lando Norris!
- No.

George Thingy… Russell.

I'm really annoyed about this.

James, it isn't that it's not very good,
it's the wrong subject.

I then had a brainwave.

I'm going to steal it.

If we take him away, they'll be forced
to replace him, won't they,

with Lewis Hamilton.

Right, let me put it to you this way.

We've got many, many miles
to get to Slovenia

- and you're driving a terrible car.
- Yes.

- If we had this with us…
- Yeah?

It would cheer us up.

- It would.
- Every time you were feeling a bit low,

sometimes Titties 'n' Beer
was being a bit badly behaved,

you'd just look in your rear-view mirror,

and there, in my passenger seat…

Is someone who looks a bit
like Nigel Mansell.

Right. Ssh, ssh, ssh.

- We're off the television and so is he.
- I'll tell you what.

- We're all…
- He's doing…

Do the Birmingham accent!
You're from Birmingham!

"I've had enough of
this. Let's go and drive about outside."

Yeah, all right, Nigel.
We'll take you out.

"Thanks
for bringing me with you, lads.

"I really enjoyed
the look around the museum.

"Just what I wanted to see.

"I saw that one in London.
It's not as good as this, is it?

"I'm gonna go and do some racing.
I'm dressed and ready.

"Mind me head on this beam here.

"Oh, bugger, I knocked it.

"Er, I'll see you later,
Paul Walker, mate."

Just keep going!

"Oh, I hate Harry Potter.

"Absolute bollocks.

"Hold up, lads. Wait for us. I'm coming."

Guys, guys,
we can get out this way.

Ssh, ssh.

Come this way.

"That, lads,
was an amazing visit.

"Thanks for bringing us with ya."

- Oh.
- Oh.

- This is probably somebody's house.
- It's possible, yes.

They may be a bit surprised
to find us three and Nigel Mansell in it.

- Where are you going now?
- Hearing aids are charged up.

That was good, that.

Will you stop messing about
with your hearing aids?

Are you afflicting the old?

Anyway, look, look,
we drove a lot of cars over the years.

- We did.
- So we know a lot about them.

What would you say
is the most unreliable part of a car?

Er, head gaskets.

No.

Electronics.

- No.
- ECUs.

Brakes.
Well, it is when he's driving them.

- That can happen.
- Or you.

And we've proved this. No, no.

Give in, what?

Windscreen wipers.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Are you ready?

What about that one?

It's like a bass drum
and a snare drum!

I think it's time for me
to just clear the windscreen a bit.

Oh. Oh no. That…

Oh.

My car is just
so refined and sophisticated.

And in fact, really well looked after
by its previous owner.

It was obviously loved and…

One of my windscreen wipers
just fell off.

James, can I just say
you've done three miles?

There, it's mended for now.
Don't turn it on again.

Let's just turn it on,
I want to see what happens.

You ready?

In Scotland!

In Scotland you won't need it.
That's the thing.

- Perfect.
- 'Cause it never rains.

The windscreen wipers
randomly come on.

Stop it, windscreen wipers.

Stop wiping the windscreen,
you stupid rubber bastards!

Raining now, that's predictable.

We've been in Scotland

for what, 20 minutes?

Not good. The news is not good.

What is the best scene

I saw, or we saw?

The view, you mean?

Yeah, well, when we've been
travelling the world,

and we really have travelled
most of it…

- Madagascar's pretty.
- Madagascar had that colour green

- that only exists in Madagascar.
- Very green.

I mean Porsche has just launched
a new car which is very vivid green,

but it's nowhere near as vivid
as the green you see

in the hedgerows of Madagascar.

You probably can't remember
any of these things.

I can,
but I can't remember where they were.

These eyes have looked upon beauty,

but the brain can't tell them
where it was.

I'm gonna say the two oases,
you wouldn't have seen one,

so don't struggle to remember it,
you weren't there.

The one in Mauritania,

and it was just all deserts.

Yes, and didn't we…

Oh, God, you're getting as bad as him.

No, no, but you and I, he wasn't there,
but we went to…

We went to that little oasis-type place,
do you remember,

up the path,
or is that what you're talking about?

That is what he's talking about.
I wasn't there…

Literally, I just set that whole thing up

- and you went: "Oh, that oasis thing."
- I wasn't really listening.

Bloody Nora, look at this!

Hey, look.

Jesus wept!

Literally no evidence that I'm English.

But then there was another oasis.
See if you can remember this, James.

- There was another oasis.
- Mmm.

- Is that the one where he wasn't there?
- No, you weren't there.

- How can he remember that?
- That was when I was in the Crosley.

No, not in the Crosley.

You were in the Crosley at an oasis?

There wasn't an oasis
in Eastern Europe.

Honestly, God, this is… I…

- How can I remember it if I wasn't there?
- Mongolia. You and I walked up

that tiny teardrop of the Gobi Desert,

and it was like something
from five million years ago.

I do remember that, on that narrow…

And there were those giant birds that
made the cameraman go "fucking hell!"

Holy mother of…

That's beautiful.

I didn't expect this.

Well, it's a lost world look.

Oh, [bleep] me.

Said the cameraman.

We really are good
at wildlife photography, aren't we?

"Oh [bleep] me!"

We've been to some
astonishingly spectacular places.

What we're gonna see now is a collection
of some of the views we've seen,

which is actually a tribute to

all the camera people and directors
that we've worked with over the years,

'cause they were
really good at their jobs.

Much better than us.

What lovely views,
and what an astonishing canon of work.

Yes! Thank you, you said it!
I just want to say canon of work.

You said I had to say that.

Well, I want to say
we've got a canon of work.

I have said it.

And now on that terrible disappointment,
it's time to end.

- Oh no, wait, we've got one more.
- We've got one more.

We've got one more.
Well, see you for that one.