All language subtitles for The Grand-ish Tour - 01x01.Addic7ed.com

After the three of us
finished filming in Zimbabwe,

we thought
we'd never work together ever again.

But because Amazon's lawyers
are better than our lawyers,

here we are!

We are literally propelled
onto your screen by small print,

which I didn't read.

I couldn't read the small print.
I can't read anything.

Exactly. Anyway, listen.

Here's the deal.

Amazon's lawyers told us that we must

come together once more
and reminisce about all

of our exploits and adventures

on The Grand Tour.

But there is a bit
of a problem with that,

because my colleague here,
my former colleague,

well, my current…
My colleague again, let's say.

- Yeah.
- Mr. Hammond,

- has no memory at all.
- None.

Or have you?

I can't remember.

I don't remember anything.

- I know we worked together.
- Yes, we did.

But I've no recollection
of doing genuinely nothing.

Do you remember which one you were?

Which supermarket we worked in?
I don't know.

Anyway, we're all here together now,
in an old people's home,

and we're going to reminisce
and you're going to try and keep up.

Can you remember, for example,
going to Morocco?

Er… drove down a ski slope in Jaguars?

No, that wasn't Morocco.

You were in an MX5.

In Morocco?

Yes, and I was in that thing
that went bust.

- The orange one.
- Yeah.

- Anyway, and then…
- Was I in an MX5 in Morocco?

You're getting muddled up.
We were in Colorado, Telluride.

- In an MX5?
- No, the Jag going down the ski slopes.

- In Morocco?
- No, in Colorado.

Go back to the beginning,
the very beginning.

Can you remember

driving through a desert
and we all had Mustangs,

slightly different Mustangs,
all specials.

- We got to an enormous event.
- There was a band on the stage.

Yes, exactly, Hothouse Flowers.

Yes.

* I can see clearly
now the rain has gone *

* I can see all obstacles in my way *

* Gone are the dark clouds
that had me blind *

* It's gonna be a bright *

* Sunshiny day *

♪ I think I can make it
now the pain has gone ♪

♪ All of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪

♪ Here is the rainbow
I've been praying for ♪

♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪

♪ Sunshiny day ♪

♪ I think I can make it
now the pain has gone ♪

♪ And all of the bad feelings
have disappeared ♪

♪ I can see clearly
now the rain has gone ♪

♪ It's gonna be a light sunshiny day ♪

* Gonna be a bright sunshiny day *

* Take it away *

♪ Oh, oh, sunshiny day ♪

♪ Oh, oh, sunshiny day ♪

♪ Gonna be a bright,
bright sunshiny day ♪

♪ Bright, bright sunshiny day ♪

♪ Oh, bright sunshiny day ♪

* Sunshiny day *

* Gonna be a bright sunshiny day *

* A bright sunshiny day *

* A bright sunshiny day *

* Gonna be a bright sunshiny day *

Hello everybody!

Oh, hello.

Mate, mate! Thank God you're here.

What's the matter with him?

Well, for the first time of my life
I'm rather glad you're here, because

he thinks
he's discovered an ancient civilisation

and he got very excited and I couldn't
say: "No, Hammond it's not real."

It's a film set. That is
where they filmed Asterix and Obelix.

And that is where they film
Game of Thrones.

I tell you what this place
has never been used as.

What?

A racetrack.

Right, are we ready, James May?

In 3, 2, 1, begin.

Hell, where's the bend? What the…

Oh, balls!

Do you know
what worries me most of all?

It's the poor little man
who's mortgaged his house to start Zenos

and then he's lent it to us,
on the television,

- all over the world.
- "Which one's driving it?"

"Oh, no."

Heading for Nazareth, I think.

Woah.

All over the place.

Round and round the thingy.

Woah!

Fast, faster.

Faster.

Well, this only goes up to 999 hours,
sadly.

Right.

But it's okay,
you were just in that time.

- Yeah, hmm…
- James, did you manage

to drive whilst dragging your face
along the ground?

- A lot of dust comes in.
- It does, doesn't it?

Why didn't you wind the windows up?

You're funny men.

In 3, 2, 1, go!

Let's make this count.

Narrow!

Sideways in linen.

Game of Thrones set.

Understeering.

Turn, turn.

Come on,
let's get that turbocharger singing.

Pin it now!

Well he arrived.

- Ready?
- Yes.

In 3, 2, 1, go.

Right, this is it.

Can't afford a single error.

Oh, this is a hot lap.

Here he comes.

Don't look over that edge.

But there's a bit of it
that gets really steep.

People do this for fun, yeah?

- Not in old Jags.
- Yeah, you're right.

We set off. Gingerly.

Just an ordinary drive.

Just an ordinary drive.

It's in case I need to bail out.

Steering wheel's working a bit.

Oh, God. What you've got to be wary of

is losing the back of the car.
Wooh… Oh cripes.

Practise braking, practise braking.

Nothing.

Just going to write a book
while we don't stop.

Yeah, here we are still not stopping.

Picking up speed. Oh, my God.

Got no control now.

Oh, my giddy aunt.

This is quick now.

"I'm going to change up a gear."
That was a mistake.

That was a massive mistake.

Just go in a straight line, you bastard.

Oh, Christ.
Turn, turn, turn, turn, turn.

But none of us died

and then Jag-skiing
started to come together.

Oh yes, I'm slalom skiing now,

it's what I'm doing,
and I'm doing it well.

Eventually we started
on the final leg down into the town,

and Richard and I
got into a bit of a race.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Give me a little bit more go.

Wow! That was a biggy.

Meanwhile,
a little further back.

Oh, God.

I've got a brake warning light on.

I don't know what that means. Pad wear?

System failure? God knows.

There's the town.

We're coming in hot and stylishly.

And we wouldn't have to walk
to the hotel in silly boots.

We'd simply drive there.

Oh, hello.

Wow!

Whoah!

Oh no!

There's been an accident.

- Damn.
- Right.

Only we…

No look, we meant
to park them there, they look good.

Oh no.

Just keep working brakes
for another ten seconds or so.

Exactly where we wanted them to be.

And that's where they are,
and that's good.

Anyway, the thing is
that we got here, well there,

without a single problem

and with a very definite conclusion:
buy an XJR.

Wow, no, hang on,
the whole point of this exercise

was to demonstrate Jaguar's reliability
as a make.

Yes, but we have, and we've also…

What? Oh.

That opening in the desert, we set
a very high bar with that, didn't we?

Yeah, so high we never got near it again,

if we're honest.

- No, we didn't.
- We really didn't.

It is amazing, though,

when we're forced to sit here,

remembering and reminiscing,

what has stuck in the mind.

- Rationing.
- Is it amazing?

Yeah.

Ordinarily, you're not thinking
about what you've done with your life,

but when you're forced
by Amazon's lawyers to do it,

lots of things stick.

Yeah,
there was an old car factory in Detroit,

where we had muscle cars.

- You've gotta remember that.
- No.

You designed a racetrack,
stupidly actually,

because they're muscle cars
for going in a straight line

and you designed this ridiculous…

Wait, yes. I do. I do.

And then we couldn't get off a beach.

And we were towing skiers
and the Queen was in the back of the car.

What a day!

Because the track had been built

by the world's most
accident-prone driver,

we thought it best
that the God-fearing Exorcist

should christen it.

So bumpy.

What the hell is this?

What's that? Some sort of chicane
he's put in there.

Wow, slippery, that's slippery as hell!

What's that?

That's unbelievably narrow.

What's he thinking of?

Oh, hello.

Here he comes.

After his run,
James couldn't wait

to give Hammond
some constructive feedback.

I just wanna say,
Hammond, you witless dishcloth.

That is the worst racetrack
I've ever been round.

It's slippery, it's full of holes
and obstacles for you to crash into.

- It's narrow.
- It's challenging, isn't it? Technical?

It's not challenging, it's only
about that much bigger than the car

and it's made of butter.

And it appears to be full
of asbestos waste.

- It is full of asbestos.
- Sorry about that.

- Well thank you.
- Sorry, close your window.

All of us then
set about our practice laps

on Hammond's death trap.

Thin bit. Oh, God.

I can't see a bloody thing.

My own car doesn't fit round
my own racetrack.

What have I done?

Despite the peril, though,
we gave it everything.

And by the end of the session,

there was nothing in it
between the Demon and the Exorcist.

The Mustang, though,
that was in a league of its own.

56.4.

Yes, you're fastest.

Of course, it's the fastest,
it's a muscle car that handles.

However, these were just
unofficial practice laps.

Now it was time for the one-shot,
winner-takes-all real thing.

In three,

two, one,

begin!

Massive bump.

Oh, God!

Hammond.

Slippery.

And here he is.

Here he comes.

I've pooed myself.

- Funny, though, isn't it?
- Oh yeah.

However, the trouser accident
had clearly been worth it.

You've just broken your own record.

- Well, that's remarkable.
- 59.66.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'm happy with that
and I haven't hit any famous musicians

or bits of old car factory.

Next, it was the turn
of Corporal Crash.

- Where's the fire engine gone?
- Over there. Ambulance is…

We're all comedians today.

Remember, if you lose to James May…

It's more humiliating.
It's worse than death.

In three, two, one, go!

Looking for grip.

Turn in neat, crisp by The Edge. Woah!

Oh, he's gone over The Edge!

Again.

Hammond's lap's going well.

Yeah, isn't it?

Is that Madonna? That's Madonna.
Yeah, I don't know.

And we're in the open.

Oh, Christ!

Yes, no, Beelzebub's got
a bit of understeer there.

That felt good.

It felt like a quick one.

I don't know
how to put this to you, but…

No. No, no, no, no, no.

0.4 of a second
slower than James May!

This is what death feels like.

Okay, get out of the Demon,
we've done the Demon and the Exorcist.

It's time for the Blue Nun.

- Blue Nun?
- Yeah.

Totally pointless
waste of time, this.

We've established the Mustang
is the fastest by an enormous margin.

Hum…

I'd better go and do it, I suppose.

Jeremy,
smug in My Little Pony. Are you ready?

In three,

two, one, begin.

Oh, yes.

This is a properly sorted track car.
That's what we're looking at here.

Properly sorted it may be,

but I had a plan
that would spoil its afternoon.

- You're running!
- I know, but you'll see.

Gotta get down to this corner
before he gets back.

Help me tip this over

What is it?

It's organic palm oil. Very slippery.

It's the revenge of the urban farmer.

Into the blind bend.

There is Stevie Wonder.

You do know palm oil is
ruining life for the world's orangutans?

Only this one.

Come on, come on.

Short shifting into third.

Right, we've just got to find
a bit where we can get inland

before the tide comes in.

That is getting closer to that.

And when that happens, we've had it.

But as we thundered along,

the dunes refused
to open up and let us in.

That's the sea.

It's the sea there.

Oh, it's coming at me.

I still say we can't get out here, look.

No left turn at the moment.

This is where you need a V8.

Oh shit.

Jeremy's in trouble.

That is not looking good.

Come on, come on. Wow.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, not a good place.

Oh, God.

I'm in the sea.

Because it was
a bit of an emergency,

my colleagues decided to help for once.

No.

James, count us in.

Three, two, one, away.

- Yes!
- Right, let's go!

Jesus Christ.

It's coming in!

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Oh, it's bad.

Shit.

Come on baby, come on.

Mercifully,
the dunes finally started to fall away

and we were saved.

And we're through!

We are, we are.

That's a relief.

So nearly got stuck then.

We were going to see which
of our cars was the best at skijouring,

a sport in which you race round
a frozen lake while towing a skier.

Mad? Huh!
You don't even know the half of it.

- One of them has only got one leg.
- What?

But did he lose
the other one doing this?

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hello.

- Good afternoon.
- Hi. Good afternoon.

There then followed a typically
verbose Scandinavian conversation.

Do you do it here because there aren't
very many mountains to ski on?

Yeah.

How do you win?

The fastest wins.

Soon, though,
the chat started to flow.

How fast do you normally go?

- 120.
- What?

- What?
- 120.

- I wouldn't do that!
- That's kilometres an hour, yes?

- Kilometres per hour, yeah.
- That's still 70.

- Yes, I wouldn't…
- 70 miles an hour?

- Yeah. Closer to 80.
- What?

- Yeah.
- But we've never done this.

- We won't go that fast.
- Well, that's sort of up to us, really.

That's the problem, it's up to us!

- We have done a bit of driving around.
- Well, I haven't.

When you're following the other one,
he doesn't know what he's gonna do,

how he's gonna do it,
is he gonna turn early…

Well, I don't know
what the car's going to do.

Yeah, but your cars are intact,
I mean.

- No, his isn't, yeah.
- But your cars!

He just looked at the middle pedal
and thought, "I don't need that."

Here we go.

There's a man in the rear-view mirror
and he's keeping up with me.

That's alarming.

Where does it go?

Cutting off Hammond.

I've bollocksed that.

Oh! Sorry.

65 miles per hour, and he's still there.

And that's 80 miles an hour
we've just achieved.

I want to catch Jeremy
more than anything else in the world,

but I don't wanna kill
someone else doing it.

Hammond's gaining, he is gaining.

He wants me to go faster.
He's bloody nuts.

I went wide! No! No!

I have the lead!

That's a mistake.

Shit. I've lost him.

Right, last lap.

Through the chicane bit.

Come on!

Mapping's good but it doesn't beat cubes.

And I have a lot of cubes.

Come on!

The power of the V8 is mighty!

Yes!

I got him back!

Did he…
I forget to check he's still there.

Go. I'll have that thank you very much.

Having finally got
the Queen into the car,

we were now faced
with a perilous drive to the embassy.

However, this did at least mean
I could get back to my day job.

Let me talk you through the car.
This is the S8 Plus.

And the plus means
it has 80 more horsepower

than the standard car.

That means 0 to 60 in 3.8 seconds.

Top speed: 190.

How very interesting.

The immense power is harnessed
not only by all-wheel drive,

but also by ceramic brakes.

And electronic differential.

There's a time and a place
for talking about that stuff, mate.

Sitting behind a 6ft5 driver means that
rear leg room is rather at a premium.

Having said that, however,
for a high-performance saloon,

the ride quality is really rather good.

Will you two stop reviewing the car?

Do you have an opinion, The Queen?

Not now!

Hold it steady, I'm going to shoot them.

Shoot him in the face!

Have you come far?

Living Daylights,
Transporter 2 and 3,

Taken, Ronin.

Why are you listing films?

Because all those films had
a big Audi saloon in them going quickly.

It is the car of choice
for the Hollywood hero.

Shut up.

What's the top speed of that thing James?

What, 90 miles an hour?

Well, here is a top tip
for Hollywood heroes.

If you're being chased by a car
which is slower than the car you're in,

simply drive faster than it.

See, that's what Nick Cage ought
to have thought about really in The Rock,

and that man in Ronin
with the S8 chasing the Citroën.

Stop talking about films.

- There's a bogey waxing our tail.
- Oh, God.

Going to shoot its petrol tank.

James, there's
no point shooting his petrol tank.

Petrol only blows up in films.

Well, that's not strictly accurate.

- Where in the bloody hell is the embassy?
- Go down here.

Ah, this is promising.

- There it is.
- There it is.

Right, you get the Queen to safety,
I'll cover you.

- Okay, I'm on it.
- Right, good. Go, go, go, go.

Your Majesty.

Really quickly, Your Majesty.

We can't see.

Come on Jeremy, come on.

Doing my best.

In the plums.

Oh no.

Just keep moving!

They've done it again.

James, you're missing this!

You cannot modernise the royalty

because royalty is, at the very best,
a medieval concept.

Oh, shooting!

That's going to sting.

He's still coming!

Keep going!

Mind the mines!

He's still going.

James, he's dead.

Wait a minute, he's going again.

He's moving again!

Jeremy, come on you can do it!

Come on, keep going! Come on!

- This is it.
- Hammond…

- There's the finish line, there it is!
- Am I going the right way?

More or less.

You could maybe roll over it,
you could do it.

Yes, we have done it!

Have you come far?

The really strange thing is we,

all of us, loved making that film.

When we were doing it,
we were going: "This is brilliant."

And we got back and it was edited
and we saw it: "Well, this is fantastic."

And it was only the second programme
we'd done, wasn't it?

- It was.
- It was only the second ever Grand Tour.

And then it went onto television
and everybody hated it.

- Literally everyone.
- They did.

And the amount of people going "If that's
what The Grand Tour is going to be like,

"we're never going
to watch it ever again."

But we were so proud and excited
and I do remember filming it.

I remember the day.

It was huge fun and we said to the world:
"What do you think of this?"

And the world says: "We hate it."

I think the fundamental problem is

that the ladies and gentlemen at home

don't really enjoy it
when we're having fun.

I think they prefer it
when we're miserable.

Yeah, and there's been
plenty of times when we have been.

Oh yes.

He's not going to do it.

Bollocks.

I need a tow. Tow!

This is me saving James May.

It's not ideal, but.

Jeremy, he's ready!

Keep going.

What is that noise?

That's my gearbox.

No, no stop!

Oh, you pillock.

Ready, steady,
and brake-testing James May.

Git.

You're not helping
with the transport of live fish,

this is supposed to be a group effort.

Someone's fallen over in the road,
nothing I can do.

Oh no, red dust.

Oh God, here we go.

It doesn't look like anything much,

but this soft red sand
sits on a very hard subsurface

and it is simply impossible
to ride a bike over.

It just has no grip.

Oh, shit.

Front end got away from me.

It's only
another hundred miles through this.

Oh, for sake.

Come on, stop it. Oh, [bleep].

Ah, [bleep].

Shit.

Oh, here we go again.

Yep, no, yep…

Do you know, James,
it's actually possible to get bored

with watching Hammond
fall off a motorcycle.

Oh, [bleep]. Oh, bollocks.

Let's find out what lies in here for you.
Come on.

Oh, deary me.

I think you've drowned your hog.

As the afternoon wore on,

the roads became even worse.

Come on.

And the human terrapin
was really starting to slow me down.

Oh, bollocks.

I can go up the middle,
you see?

Yes! They're green on 89th!

And they're green on 90th!

We are screaming along now.

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on!

Come on!

- That's gone then.
- Yeah.

Well, what happened there
is basically we missed a train

because you don't know to slow down
when it says "finish" across the road.

- Oh, nice!
- I'm sorry to put it bluntly like that

but that's exactly what happened then.

Er… James?

- Nothing, don't worry.
- What?

Nothing.

- There's nobody else disabled down here.
- I'd be better if I could sit

in that special seat
that's reserved for me.

- It's reserved for disabled people.
- Like me!

- No, you're not disabled.
- Temporarily, yes I am.

- You're not disabled.
- What do you mean? I can't…

You've had a playground injury
as a result of your own half-wittedness.

That's not disabled.

- That's an insult
- I'm surprised you don't do more

- to disabled people.
- charity work for the differently abled.

Look.

That's not worked, has it?

That bloody noise, honestly.

- Well, what can I do about it?
- Put some springs in them or something.

This is not a self-propelled one,
it hasn't got the big wheels.

You'll have to push me.

- Yeah, that's all right.
- Cool.

It's better than listening
to that noise for the rest of the day.

Yeah, you've really suffered, mate.
I don't know how you've put up with it.

Thank you.

Take out anything
out of your pockets please.

- We'll have to pat him down.
- A What?

- Pat down.
- Yeah, okay.

So I'm going to go ahead, I'm going
to give you a pat down today, okay?

All right, so the pat down consists of me
starting from the top

all the way to the top of your feet.

For your sensitive areas,
I have to use the back of my hands,

in a sliding motion, from your waist
going down over your groin,

and across your groin as well.

I'm going to go up and down, okay?

I'm going down.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

- Has he got to go in that?
- Yes. He is.

Okay, see you on board.

Hello. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Hello.

Hello.

Yep. Okay.

How's it going in the Sherman?

It's a walk in the park. What about you?

It's a bit squeaky,

but it keeps going.

But what I'd love to know is

what's happening in the Caterham.

Oh, Jesus.

That is turds. Jesus.

The water is like a bath
that someone's had diarrhoea in.

Bollocks!

Oh, shitty dead!

I will just adjust
the temperature down to…

Here you are.
22 degrees I think would be better.

And adjust the lumbar support
using this button down here.

How much more of this is there?

Oh, Jesus.

Things were so bad
that at the next ferry crossing,

it looked like he was going to try
and make the far bank without a boat.

- Wouldn't you?
- Yeah, I would.

I mean, if somebody said to me:

"Yes there are sharks in there",

- I'd still say: "I don't care."
- "I don't care."

As we left the ferry,

James was much happier. And cleaner.

I'm feeling really good now.

Give me strength!

- Can I just say?
- What?

The misery there, that you talked about,
was mainly mine, wasn't it? Not yours.

And a little bit of his.

Yeah, it was yours.

It was quite rare that all three of us
were miserable at the same time.

Generally, it's one or two.

But how about, for a combination
of misery and terror,

do you remember the South China Sea?

God above, this is just awful.

I'm gonna throw up at this rate,
not because of sea sickness

but because of the amount
of salt water in my mouth.

No!

This is a lot worse
than I thought it was going to be.

Jesus Christ.

If one big wave goes in there,
I'm gonna get very nose-heavy.

And I cannot realistically
get up there to put it back.

Meanwhile, I'd finally
managed to put my roof up.

Oh yes.

There's a chance. There's a chance.

Which was time well spent.

Holy shit!

Oh, bollocks.

Stop doing that!

The good news is,
Hammond, it can't be worse than that.

But it did get worse.

Oh, [bleep]-ing Lord.

Sheez.

This is stupid.

She's gonna snap.

I just pissed myself
standing up where I was.

Anything else is not an option.

Jesus [bleep]-ing wept.

One of our camera boats
was in very big trouble.

- Bloody hell.
- We've taken on too much water.

Too dangerous.
We'll never get there at this rate.

And James had completely
lost control of his antique.

No! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no!

I mean it was a bit miserable,
I admit, but I wasn't very frightened.

Not for me.

I was utterly miserable and terrified.

I was miserable and terrified.

I wasn't. So that's not all three of us.

For terror, I would go for

driving that Aston Martin, DB4, the old…

You know,
the newly built vintage classic car.

Oh yeah, old chassis number whatever.

Around that very banked circuit
in Spain, because…

I just had a sense, all the time,
that this is going to go wrong.

60 miles an hour, as I approach…

Whoah, big pot hole there.

The first corner.

Wow, steering's gone very weird.

The bumps are so unnerving.

Jesus.

Apparently some of them are so violent

they can make the car jump
4 feet to the right.

Right, this is it.

Let's see how fast
I can make this thing go.

Oh my giddy aunt, that is…
Jesus Christ.

That's bumpy, shit [bleep].

Oh [bleep] me.

That's one of the scariest things
I've ever done in a car.

Ever.

Yeah,
terror in a sense of it could go wrong.

Was that as terrifying
as driving a gigantic pickup truck

over a spindly bridge in Colombia?

Oh, God.

The only way I can do this
is by looking at the driver's side tyre

and keeping it as close as I can
to that edge

and hoping to God that gives me enough.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, Jesus, I'm shaking all over.

I can do this.

I'm just gonna look at the wood,

not at what's below,
just look at the wood.

Jesus Christ, no,
I'm too close to the edge.

God!

I think I might be sick!

I will get there.

Crossing this bridge
is just part of my journey.

Who is that
clippety clopping across my bridge?

Oh, God!

Not the Billy Goat Gruff game!

I will move my jeep
out of your way

if you can answer
this simple prog rock question.

Let me off the bridge, I'm gonna be sick.
Please.

I was gripped with terror. It was horrid.

I was quite scared driving a Panda
over the spindly bridge.

- Yeah.
- No.

Wait. I've got it.

That Pond Bug that you two built.

The three-wheeler aqua car.

- Oh yes!
- "Oh yes", he said, enthusiastically.

No, I'm thinking the Bond Bug
turned into a hydroplane thing.

Yes, and then you two built it,
and then you said to me:

"You drive it, and while you're at it,

"set a new water speed record
for amphibious cars."

We gave you all the glory.

That's right, we did the work,

you got the prize.

Visor down.

It's on the plane now.
We're on the plane.

It's very sprayey,
it's a badly designed hull.

Jesus Christ, this steering!

It's a [bleep] nightmare!

I can't steer it.

I literally cannot steer it!

I think he's experimenting with it.
I think he's sort of testing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

- Well, it looks pretty good.
- It looks fabulous.

I bet it handles like a dream.

Oh, come on!

I'm gonna crash
into the bloody safety boat!

- Look, he's making turns.
- That looks tremendous.

Three times
I tried to get the Pond Bug pointing

in the right direction.

Absolutely impossible.

And then I thought "sod it,"

put my foot down and went for it.

Oh, Christ!

It's only my skill that is keeping this
pointing in a straight line!

I've got a GPS speedo,

but I can't read it,
because there isn't any GPS.

Why have they given me
such shoddy workmanship?

Oh, heavens.

Oh, Christ, that's the worst thing
I've ever done, ever.

And now,
I've gotta turn round and do it again.

And I've gotta wait for my own wash to
die down. That's what did for Campbell.

He went back too quickly.

Here we go.

That is my foot pinned to the floor!

Jesus!

It's starting to chain lock!

It's really bad!

And then…

Oh, my God!

Oh no, we've got a power problem.

I'm losing power.

May and Hammond have built
a piece of shit here!

It sounds a little bit inconsistent.

That's maybe him
feathering the throttle.

He is possibly finessing it
to keep it on the plane.

Oh no, come on!

Jesus, a lot of smoke.

Well, that was a disaster.

I've got no GPS,
so I don't know how fast that was,

and the engine
is cutting out all the time.

Basically,
it was time for a stern word

with the engineering department.

- Right, you two.
- Yeah?

Not only have you built something
ugly and complicated…

It's not!

No, it's rubbish and lethal.

- In what way?
- The worst thing's the steering.

You cannot get it going
in a straight line.

The steering is a horrible compromise,

'cause it's gotta work the steering wheel
and it's gotta steer the boat.

"Horrible compromise"
is a way of describing it.

Lethal is another way.

- It looked great.
- Looked great out there.

- I was doing about 4 miles an hour.
- Well, that's a start.

Sequence 46: The Pond Bug.

- Jeremy Clarkson.
- Yeah.

Your run south: 47.362.

48.274.

47.81,
which is a new national record.

There you go!

We did it!

- What do you mean, we did it?
- Would you have swum it?

I did it!

- My case rests.
- We did it!

But you said,
going into that bit of film, you said,

both of you, I had all the glory.
But you went: "We did it!"

Was it really that scary?

- Yeah, it was scary.
- Can I say?

I do remember that,

and I did feel something
while you were doing… It wasn't concern.

Arousal?

A relief.

That it wasn't you.

Absolutely deep… "Oh, this is brilliant,
we're doing something cool,

"but I'm not having to do anything
dangerous. He is."

Moving on, if I may, from Coniston Water,

you threw a very expensive walkie-talkie

into the South China Sea.

I can see it!

That was a strop.

- It was a strop.
- It wasn't a strop.

- I was trying to talk to the viewers.
- It was a strop.

Which is our responsibility, or was.

And somebody, well he's no longer
with us, but it was Mr. Wilman,

just kept interrupting.

When I'm irritated
by people interrupting on walkie-talkies,

I simply, well, I used to, I don't
do it anymore, just turn them off.

I don't go "this is talking at me",
and throw it out of the window.

I had a lot of other things to do.

Let's not get bogged down

with who lost their temper
over in the South China Sea.

- 'Cause it was you.
- It was you.

I think what the ladies and gentlemen
would like to see now

is some gratuitous driving round corners
a little bit too quickly while shouting.

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

Why can't more cars feel like this?

Sweet Mary, mother of Jesus.

This is not
a particularly cultural thing to do.

But it is very good fun!

Yes!

Holy crap!

What a toy box today.

Push launch.

Full throttle.

Boost building. Boost ready. We're gone.

Naught to sixty in 2.7 seconds.

That's 120. 150.

Hundred and… Jesus H. Christ.

It'll actually do 186 in 18 seconds

and flat out is 208.

And that's really alarming.

I'm gonna be sick. Oh.

Wow.

God's truth.

It's insane.

I've got dust in my face.

What the hell?

There she is. There she is!

The bell has sounded, the race is on.

Now we'd find out what's what
on our specially designed track.

Going round the bell end.

I should be able to get her,
heaven's sake, come on.

She's gone wide. Is there a chance here?

Come on.

Come on, you can have her.

Now. Now.

When it gets on song…

Bloody hell!

Wow!

Oh, shit.

It's what Lamborghinis are all about.

Oh, my word.

Sitrep. The entire tyre

has been consumed
by the heart of the monster.

It has.

Do you know, the thing was,
the tyre pressure warning light came on.

- What could that have meant?
- This was specifically telling me

there was a problem with this tyre,

- so I ignored it.
- Yes.

It's a good job
you're not an airline pilot.

You really are useless.

No. No, let's be fair,

'cause I was just thinking,
who was that really old man

that taught me
how to do that sliding stuff?

I dunno,
but he didn't do a very good job, did he?

It was at Kemble Airfield, where British
Airways now store all its old jets,

- near Cirencester.
- Yes.

And we had a Lamborghini Murcielago.

And I couldn't make it slide
to save my life.

And this old man said:
"I'll show you how to do it."

Well, whoever he was,
he will have died decades ago,

and he was no good,
'cause you really are useless.

Really nice chap.
Anyway, now, I miss him

now I've just remembered him.

But just back to my point,

he didn't do you any good,
because you are useless.

You are a human being for whom there is
no discernible, detectable use, at all,

on the planet,
in any function whatsoever.

It's only some freak set of circumstances

by which you happened to invent
a context in which you could operate.

Namely this, and nothing else,

because essentially,
left to your own devices,

you can do nothing.

- Now look.
- Now look what?

Carry on, don't let us
distract you professor, doctor.

Listen,
I have worked this out all by my own.

Mmh.

The gearbox has overheated, okay?

- So I'm going to put some fluid in it…
- How much do you need to put in?

Don't know,
how much do you need to put in?

- Put enough in. Go on.
- Yeah, put some in.

It's like watching a really,
really old drunk pour himself a scotch.

"Just enough, mate."

That concentration face is coming out.
There it is.

Good to see a man operating
at his absolute limit.

Right, I'm going to pop it
into gear now.

You may hear this, a little bit.

Good, first, er, foot on clutch.

And now,
it's time to fire up the 7-litre V12.

It's quite normal.

Broken.

That could keep you occupied
for hours.

Why won't it go on?
That's ridiculous.

The last thing I knew was
I was in my 30s…

Late 30s, admittedly. And then suddenly,
I'm standing in a field still watching…

How's this possible?

This is brilliant.

Yeah!

Wow!
What a sense of achievement.

I'm 57.

No, no, no!

- Where are you going?
- Oh, chaps.

I've ballsed this up completely!

It's his Ferrero Rocher.

- You daft sod.
- Okay. That is…

That's not very ambassad…
These people are trained to be suave.

They're smart. And cool.

And you knocked over their tower
of Ferrero Rocher, you cretin.

Let's just get this straight.

When we get over the building,

we leap out of the door
and grab the rope, and slide down it?

Pretty much, yeah that's it,
that's how it goes.

You could be leader.

Get out there,
show us how it's done, we will follow.

I don't want to.

I've never climbed a rope
or gone down one in my life before ever.

Lead by example.

Be an inspiration to your men.

Yeah, exactly.

How high will it be?

30 feet?

- Yeah.
- You'll be fine.

What happens if you fell 30 feet?

Would you be going home with a head wand?

You'd be going home in this helicopter,
but not in that seat.

You'd be in a bucket in the corner.

Okay. Here it comes, let's do this.

Whoa!

Jesus Christ, stop!

Oh, shit.

I'm very scared!

Mate, that's not the attitude!

- Go on then.
- Don't like it.

- Go down the rope!
- Don't want to.

Loosen your hands a bit.

I don't want to.

Do you want me to tickle you,
your belly?

- Going now.
- Well, go on then.

Hammond?

- Yeah?
- My trousers have fallen down.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chuck Norris.

I'm down now.

Ah, yes!

Have you ever,

in your whole life, seen anything…

I mean, that is it.
My arse is that far out of the seat.

Oh, dear.

- Is there a bigger one?
- No.

So this is the biggest?

I won't be able to do it.

Oh, come on!
You'll miss out on our day out!

Well, what do you want me to do?

Be less fat!

It's quite easy!

Oh, God.

I genuinely can't get out.

Oh, dear.

Could you help me get out?

They'll have to dismantle
the car around him!

They are going to have
to dismantle the car around you

to get you…

They're peeling it off him
like a diving suit!

It would have been easier
just to paint a race car on him

and then wipe it off!

Thank you.

Handbrake!

Oh, shit.

Let's do this!

Oh, shit.

I may have clipped something there.

Damn, sorry about that, Phil.

The gate, take two.

And turn, and flick!

Oh, deary me.

He's done it again.

What a massive twat.

- You just can't do it.
- I can.

- You can't.
- I clipped it once. I'm getting better.

It's still not going through smoothly,
is it?

Could you just rebuild it once more,
honestly?

Gate, take three.

And handbrake! Shit, that's the bloody…

Er, nothing.

Right, just get these stragglers.

Don't go.

Come on!

Oh [bleep]!

You've done 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 sheep.

And broken the windscreen.

- Sorry.
- What a prick.

The funny thing is,

I'm struggling to think
of any other TV show

where the host is so appallingly useless

at what he's supposed to be doing.

No, there isn't one.

I mean Gordon Ramsay:
"Oh, I've burnt this, it's ruined."

It's a bit odd. "Oh no, this tea towel's
on fire." It's just we're not…

David Attenborough.
"I've trodden on it."

"That was the last egg."
How did this happen?

- I don't know.
- And, and…

I'm gonna be honest with you,
it's not just me,

because you're pretty useless as well.

No, you are, you are.

Fairly.

Come on.

Back at the finish line,

my colleagues were not impressed with me.

There's oil everywhere,
and coolant.

All you had to do was go round
pretending it was a bit dramatic

and proving that a Jaguar
worked properly and was durable.

Smashed rear window, boot lid.

No other word, off.

Does it actually start?

- I think you just threw a rod.
- It's all fixable.

I'd been on the go
for ten hours.

And as I was heading
for another late night,

I decided to stop
and grab something to eat.

We've been given
these sort of emergency ration packs.

So what I do is take the top off there.

That's the food, which is, I don't know,
beans and sausages.

That goes in there.

And then I add a little drop of water.

I presume this triggers
some sort of chemical reaction

with whatever it is
in the little bag of stuff.

I don't think that's working.

There's no heat.
I'd get more out of a hand warmer.

Oh, wait a minute, it's inflating.

Oh! Oh no!

Oh, my God! Oh no, this…

Oh, that's so hot!

I'm burning my balls! Oh!

Are you ready?

Right. Perfect. Now, pull me along.

Go, go! Power!

Oh, give me strength.

You pulled the bloody
fishing rod holder off.

Why did you tie it to the fishing rod?
Why did you tie it to the fish…

I didn't tie it
to the fishing rod, you blithering idiot.

Right. Are you ready?
We're setting off.

Hammond's gone
upside down again!

What the?
Oh, jeez. How has he done…

It's fucking cold!
And I've got my phone in my pocket!

I'll pull you in.

You know, I'm going to let you
into a little secret about

when he sank that poor man's boat in.

He was wearing,
as you may have noticed, a life jacket.

What didn't you do
when you went upside down again?

What I didn't do
was pull the cord that inflates it.

So it was just
an extra weight round my neck.

And I did say: "Thank goodness
I was wearing this."

And somebody else pointed out, no.

I hadn't inflated it.

- He hadn't inflated it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's a true fact.

You didn't say that right.
You said, "when you sank that boat,"

you mean "when you sank
that poor man's boat

"that he'd spent his life savings on."

No, I think it was his children
had bought it for him.

Oh, no, you're right.

After he'd had
a pretty bad diagnosis at the doctors.

They'd said he was riddled.

They bought him that boat and some
fishing rods, 'cause he loved fishing.

Yes. And he loved his boat.

He adored it.

And then Richard Hammond said:
"Can I borrow your boat?"

I'm not good with boats.

It isn't just that we sink boats
and crash, and wreck tyres.

We never mastered the art of standing up.

Not really.

- Oh, hello.
- Goodbye.

Shit!

Now, of course, we can all laugh
about old men falling over.

But sometimes, the laughter has to stop.

I detect a lack of sincerity.

I'm channelling my inner One Show.

Oh, right.

- You ready?
- Yes.

James May is ready,
and we'll be setting off very shortly.

Brace, brace, brace.

Right. I've got the deck chair out
and a good book.

In your own time, begin.

That was a brisk start for a James May.

Big one.

Big one, big one.

Get the medics.

Oh, I'm quite nervous.
I'm suddenly nervous.

Okay, here we go.
Give it your best shot, Rich. Yeah.

Watch this.

Oh, crap!

Is that why you got a helicopter licence?
So you could fly yourself to hospital?

I'm a frequent flyer, I don't need to.
I've got a gold card.

I mean, now you've moved in here,
obviously, it's easier.

But how many years went by without you
ever having to take your own trousers off

when you got home from work?

Quite a few. Generally, somebody
would cut them off with scissors for me.

- Exactly.
- And then they'd be gone.

It was extraordinary, wasn't it?

It's remarkable to see you
with a pair of trousers on, actually.

- Uh, something occurs to me.
- Mmm?

Over all the years we made that show,

you were the only one
who was never grievously injured.

What?

Oh, f…

I was actually acting.

Were you? That was pretend?

It was pretend grievous injury. It was.
Anyways, is that it?

- I think we're finished.
- No.

- What?
- No, no, no. The lawyers.

- What?
- The really small print.

- The small print of the small print.
- What?

We've got to do three of these.

We've got to do two more?

Yes.

- Two more of these best-ofs?
- Yes.

And on that terrible disappointment,
we'll be back…

soon, with more of this.

See you.