Original subtitles

Hi. Good evening.

May I take your coats? Thanks.

That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!

Your mother's in the living room.

Last chance to run, huh? Excuse me?

Just ignore her.

Of course I said it!

I can't imagine who would take "jackbooted" as a compliment.

I will not apologize!

Every time she went to the pantry,

I thought she was marching on Poland.

Oh, I see, because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable?

Shh.

That's the most absurd... I wanna see this document.

Fax it to me immediately. "Fax it to me immediately"?

She's part of the electronic age.

Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable.

It's unacceptable because I'm paying you $300 an hour.

So turn that little near-luxury car around,

go back to your office, and fax me that libelous scrap of paper.

Also if he can pick up some ice cream.

Tell your wife to tape your daughter's recital.

Unbelievable. Hi, mom.

Hey, grandma. When did you two get here?

Between the second "absurd" and the third "unbelievable."

I apologize. That call caught me off guard.

Is everything alright, grandma? Everything's fine.

You sure? I'm sure.

You look peeved. I'm not peeved.

Well, you look peeved.

Kindly stop making me say the word "peeved."

Mom, spill it. What's wrong?

That was our lawyer calling to inform me

that one of our former maids

is suing for wrongful termination.

Hmm.

You might at least act surprised.

It's not the first time. It most certainly is.

Really? Yes, lorealai, really.

Well, then, I'm surprised.

It's beyond surprising. It's outrageous.

What did grandpa say? Your grandfather's still in London

helping his mother close down her house.

I think he planned it that way. Which maid was it?

Gerta, the one from hamburg, Germany.

Which one was she? You remember.

She was the one you made those hamburg/hamburger jokes to.

I beat that dead horse. With glee.

She was the clomper. "The clomper?"

She'd be making the beds,

it would sound like a Munich-beer-hall rally.

That's why you fired her? Yes.

Because she made noise when she walked? Yes.

Was she a good maid otherwise? What?

Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time,

made sure the little fork went on the outside?

Have you been listening to me?

She wasn't performing her duties as I wished

them to be performed. The rest doesn't matter.

It's always something. What's that supposed to mean?

You find the one thing about a maid

that negates all of her good qualities.

Isn't it easier to let a couple of things slide?

So it's my fault.

I didn't say that. No, lorelai, you did.

For years I've been listening to you and your father

and everyone else go on about how demanding I am.

How I have to have things a certain way.

I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else.

When it's not how I want, it means I'm not getting what I paid for.

Why is that hard to understand?

It isn't hard to understand, it's...

if you pay for first class and you end up in coach,

people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable.

And yet this woman whom I pay more than she could get anywhere else in Hartford,

whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the rhine

dragging me into court saying that I was unfair.

Why? Because having paid for one thing,

I'm not content with something else? That makes me unfair?

Well, then, so be it.

Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

Excuse me, Mrs. gilmore. Dinner's ready.

Thank you, Brooke. We'll be right there.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you hear that?

Hear what? Exactly.

♪ If you're out on the road ♪

♪ feelin' lonely and so cold ♪

♪ all you have to do is call my name ♪

♪ and I'll be there on the next train ♪

♪ where you lead, I will follow ♪

♪ anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪ ♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ where you lead, I will follow ♪

♪ any, anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪ ♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow where you lead ♪

next time I want some grapefruit, I'm just gonna ask for a kazoo.

'Cause you can only seem to give me the most bizarre opposite.

I need you to... shh! Shh!

It's started! You were supposed to call me.

Stop talking.

I understand perfectly.

You wanna be a dictator! Come off it!

Commandant St. James says, "brussels sprouts!

You will bring me the brussels sprouts!"

I'm trying to plan a menu here, Jackson!

Fill me in, please.

Jackson brought pea tendrils instead of brussels sprouts.

Aren't we evel knievel? Coffee?

Pea tendrils are too delicate to serve with the lamb shank!

I don't think that they are!

Where are the brussels sprouts?

I looked at the stocks. They weren't good enough!

You always do this!

Doesn't it matter that I care so much

about the quality of the produce

that I'd be willing to risk an enormous argument

just to save your dinner? Oops. That was dumb.

Save my dinner? You know what I meant.

Yes, my dinner is out standing on a ledge.

"Oh, no! What's gonna happen?"

Sookie... "Wait. What's that?

"It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's superjackson and his atomic pea tendrils!"

You wanna get another produce guy?

Maybe I should. Well, go ahead.

Don't tempt me! That's it! I am leaving!

Go! But take the tendrils with ya!

Fine!

See you tonight? I love you.

And it always ends with a hug. Okay, what do you need?

The new insurance policies you ordered.

Good. And the inspector's supposed to be coming by

to check the place out tomorrow,

you'll have to show him around. What?

You're covering for me, remember?

Yes. Tomorrow, the two of you go back to school.

It's not school. It's a one-day course at the learning center.

"How to run an inn."

Amazing you've been able to fake it so long.

This is specific to opening small inns, bed and breakfasts.

I see. "Order half of everything."

There... you owe me $75.

Why are you being a snob? You went to hotel school.

I attended the ecole hoteliere de geneve.

That'll make one hell of a sweatshirt.

It was one of the premiere hotel schools in the world.

You two are going to take a two-hour course at a radisson.

Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the learning center,

and he loves it. He took beekeeping...

Jackson keeps bees? No, it turned out he was allergic.

One stung his lip, and his whole head

blew up to three times its normal size.

Please tell me you have pictures.

He took a course on how to buy foreclosed real estate,

and how to write a diary. How do you not know that?

He's a searcher. Yes, he is.

I think he was lonely before we met

and he didn't live near a bar. Yes.

Tomorrow will be a waste of time and money.

I'll be here to laugh at you when you return.

Thanks for your support.

Forget him. Opening an inn is a huge step,

anything that might help is worth trying. Exactly, partner.

Tell me you got pictures of Jackson and his giant head.

I'll bring them in tomorrow.

Hey, Paris. Have you looked over the votes for commencement speaker?

Yeah. Are the ones for princess Diana's Butler jokes or real?

Jokes. What about the ones for Dr. Phil?

I think real. I knew that suggestion box was a bad idea.

Watch choate get Joan didion

while we're being read "Eloise at the Plaza."

Before the others get here, we should probably decide

what we're gonna do. About what?

The prom coup francie staged last week.

You mean booking Wadsworth mansion?

Using the money for the telescope for the senior gift.

Why does one pinhead always have to vote for Jerry Garcia?

I'm not sure if the deposit check...

I took care of that. What?

Wadsworth mansion is owned by the Connecticut daughters of the mayflower.

Most of those biddies couldn't negotiate an icy sidewalk much less a contract.

Took me five minutes to get them to half their asking price.

You're kidding. I wasn't gonna let the class gift be a stupid tree

just so ginger spice can have her Barbie dream prom.

She's a sneak. She's not smart enough to be a sneak.

It's that loser Mr. hunter that let her get away with it.

She forced him into it. You can't force a teacher into something, Rory.

No, it was hunter.

He's been jealous since I got into office.

Whenever I announce I have a new motion to introduce,

he flinches, actually physically tightens up for a moment.

It's creepy. Yeah. But...

our fearless leaders at work already.

I feel so safe.

That girl bugs me. Relax. She's harmless.

Paris, Rory.

"Paris, Rory." Bed wetter. Shall we sit?

Fine, let's sit.

I call this meeting of the student council to order.

Is the secretary ready? I am.

Then let's proceed.

First of all, I'd like to apologize

for missing last week's somewhat impromptu meeting.

As most of you know, its scheduling

was somewhat unorthodox

since the meeting was a supplementary meeting,

which was a concept invented by me.

So the fact that anyone would hold a meeting

invented by a certain person without that certain person

seems, well, let's see... what's the word?..

mutinous, insulting, underhanded,

and, in the end, fruitless,

since I managed to renegotiate the rental fee

for the Wadsworth mansion

so that we'll be able to have the prom

and give the school a respectable senior gift

in the form of a telescope.

Any questions, Mr. Christian... I mean, Mr. hunter.

Uh, no.

Good. So, now that that's out of the way,

let's move on to other business. Francie.

As you know, health week is coming up.

We have speakers lined up to discuss everything

from heart disease and exercise

to the dangers of sun damage and fried food.

Everyone's booked and ready to go.

We'll need to figure out where to set up the sign-up table

for the annual blood drive. Aaaaaah!

Jeez. What's the matter?

She hates the word "blood." Give me a heart attack.

Keep your hands on your ears. Tell me when it's over.

As I was saying before the freak-out, we've to decide

where to place the sign-up table for the blood drive.

I can still hear her! Hum to yourself.

Continue, please. I'm proposing putting it in the cafeteria.

It's got easy access, maximum exposure,

almost 90% of the student body visits the cafeteria every day. It's the perfect location.

Well? No.

Excuse me? You can't. It's a fire hazard.

It is? Yes. You'll have to find another place.

You're kidding. I never kid about fire safety.

Rory, I actually know the fire codes for the cafeteria,

and as long as we don't have more than 300 people,

we can start an opium den, the fire department wouldn't care.

I think they would care.

I'm not talking about numbers.

You set up that table, get people thinking about blood,

someone smells smoke, and the next thing you know, 50 stampeding teenagers

are using your body to lever open a door. I won't allow that.

This is "xanadu" - level of insane.

You do realize you're opposing the blood drive?

No, I'm opposing the blood drive in the cafeteria.

Is it that big a deal? It's the rules of common decency.

And I won't let francie ignore those rules.

Well, okay. Motion denied.

The senior class president will come up with an alternate plan

for the location of the sign-up table for the blood drive.

Louise, poke John Williams over there and tell her

she can cut the score, we're moving on.

Advertising space in the yearbook is only 50% sold.

What are we going to do about this?

Roger, yes? Well...

dinner! Over here!

We are so in luck. It was international grab-bag night at Al's.

Cool! Did you peek? And ruin the mystery dinner?

I think not. Pick. That one.

Okay. I love this. It's food and a game all-in-one. We open them at the same time.

I know the rules. Don't jump the gun.

There's too much pressure associated with international grab-bag night.

I'm your mother. It's my responsibility to give you structure.

Now, on three. One, two, three.

Hmm, Moroccan. You always say Moroccan.

And sooner or later, I will be right. What's yours?

Pan-Asian, with a hint of English colonial,

and a few South African influences.

Way to hedge your bet. Kitchen?

Just let me check the machine. Okay.

Miss gilmore, it's Bob merriam, your mother's lawyer.

I'm calling about the little matter of this lawsuit she's involved in.

We'd like it if you could give a deposition on her behalf.

Please call me tomorrow with some times that would be convenient...

Oh, no! What?

No, no, no, no, no! Hello?

No. Who is this?

I'm not giving a deposition. Of course you are.

Please leave me out of this.

So you're just going to let this lead-footed teutonic chambermaid

drag your mother into a public forum and humiliate her,

is that what I'm hearing? Mom.

Her lawyer knows we asked for this deposition.

How's it going to look when you refuse to testify for your mother?

Like it's not my business. I'm sure the 12 rocket scientists

they assemble as jury will see it that way.

Honestly, mom, I doubt they'll find 12 people who haven't been fired by you.

I can't believe my daughter won't defend me.

I'm not gonna lie for you.

Just tell them how I treat my maids.

I'm not gonna lie for you. Just tell them I treat the help fairly.

I'm not gonna lie for you. Lorelai.

There is something called family loyalty.

It means when someone is in trouble, you help them,

as I have helped you several times over the years.

The very least you could do in return is spend half an hour

saying something kind about your mother.

Fine.

Thank you. Your devotion is touching.

I have to give a deposition.

I don't think this is Moroccan, or at least not recently.

Want some of mine?

Nope. Yikes.

Luke's? Let's go.

I can't stress enough the value of a good paint job.

One of the first decisions you'll have to make

when you open your inn

is whether to employ your housekeepers individually

or contract out to a housekeeping service.

If you use a service, you'll be assured of having a replacement housekeeper

if one should call in sick or quit suddenly.

But you'll pay $2 more an hour,

and they'll be loyal to the service, not to you.

However, you'll probably end up paying a bit more

than if you hired them individually.

I can't believe you're taking notes.

He has said nothing in the last two hours that we didn't know,

and he's saying it really condescendingly.

So, in addition to being bored, I'm getting hostile and a little insecure

'cause you're studying and I'm not.

Pick a color. Pink.

'Cause you're a girl. Exactly.

P-I-n-k. Pick a number.

Five.

You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.

Well, good for me. My turn.

Some of us are here to learn.

Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

We had a cootie catcher. We're sorry.

As I was saying,

the points we've covered should get you started,

but remember, it's a long process,

so don't get discouraged. I'm sure one day

I'll be staying in each and every one of your inns.

He's not staying in our inn. Thank you.

Now, don't run off just yet. We've got one final treat.

I'd like to introduce you all to John mattern.

Hello, everyone. I'm very pleased to be here addressing you today.

I asked Brian if I could have a few minutes at the end of today

to show you all some opportunities

that I think you're going to find really exciting.

I know that I do.

If we could...

Now, this is a lovely property

that has just become available right outside of litchfield.

It's a sales pitch?

They spent two hours telling us nothing

and then try to sell us lame property?

We already know the place we're buying.

I know. So what do we do?

I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head.

Let's go.

A perfectly restorable sun porch

wraps around the entire main structure.

Let's step inside this diamond in the rough.

Unbelievable. Shocking.

We work at an inn for so long and learn so little.

We must be dumb.

Who would've thought that inns need doors... not me.

And floors? Doors and floors... we can't afford that.

Well, we better, otherwise, our guests will fall right through to China.

I can just imagine the phone calls.

What was Jackson thinking saying these courses were good?

The man took a course in diary writing. Thank God... food.

Is it worth it if we can make up our $75 admission fee in cookies?

Considering that in the past hour I uttered the phrase,

"my God, I should've listened to Michel,"

these better be the best damn cookies in the world.

And they taste like feet.

Oh, well, even their cookies suck.

Stand by, I'm going in for coffee.

Sookie? Sookie St. James? Uh-huh.

It's Joe... Joe mastoni from the deerhill lodge.

Oh, my God! Joe! Joe! Joe from the deerhill lodge!

It's Joe from the deerhill lodge!

How are you?

Sorry.

Well, come here!

Oh! Lorelai, this is Joe.

Joe, lorelai. Hi.

Nice to meet you. This is Alex, my partner.

Business partner. Clarification duly noted. Nice to meet you.

We worked together one summer up in the berkshires.

We had a wild time that summer.

Wild time, huh? Do tell.

We'd all work 14 hours straight, party till dawn,

pile in Joe's van, and wake up in New Hampshire or Maine

with just enough time to get back for the next shift.

We had an interesting crew...

Sookie, me, feldman, mellon, bung.

Bung? He had been up there for a couple years already.

But we both were in prep. And, I repeat, bung?

I'm still wondering if mellon's a man or a woman.

I promised myself after that summer

I would never chop small green things en masse ever again.

Or drink all the leftover wine on an empty stomach!

Let me see your hands.

Hey, nice blisters.

Let me see yours. Ooh, not bad, not bad.

I'm careful about using the towels with the hot stuff.

Sissy. Yeah, yeah. So what are you doing here?

We are opening an inn together, so we came for a class.

Really? We're here for a class about opening your own coffee place.

Chain of coffee places, actually.

That's great. We'll see. It's pretty new territory for us.

Joe knows the food industry. I'm coming from ironworks,

so I basically know what the security gate should be made of.

Don't listen to him. Alex is an incredible businessman.

That's true. We've got the business model planned out.

There's a couple of prime locations we're interested in.

The only thing left besides building the place is picking a name.

Oh, little tip... don't choose anything cute.

Like jitters. Or spill the beans.

Or higher ground. Or the mudhouse.

Actually, I kinda like that. Me too. We call dibs.

I thought you were opening an inn. We wanna keep our options open.

Did you hear about feldman's restaurant?

The feldster opened a restaurant?

I know I'm repeating myself, but the feldster?

I can't believe he opened his own place.

He spent the whole summer getting stoned.

He was our Baker. Right. That figures.

Huh? Baker... getting baked. I'm there.

Oh, congratulations. You still can't have the mudhouse.

Do you remember the last reception we catered...

the parakeets, everyone dressed as knights and ladies?

Oh, God. Old friends, huh?

Yeah, there's nothing like 'em.

I never did figure out how bung got into a fight with the bride.

One minute, everything's fine.

Next, he's beaning her with the ice sculpture.

Remember the time you and fat sal got locked in the freezer overnight?

Fat sal? Work with me here.

Right. Fat sal. Yes, right.

Then feldman got into a fight with the bride's mother.

That's right! He went after the whole bridal party!

You remember how me and bruiser, never liked that guy.

We found you guys in the morning, and you were frozen together like bacon?

Yeah, I still can't eat bacon.

You remember what feldman told the cops?

Oh, yeah!

Before we would let you out, we made you and fat sal kiss?

I'm not sure I remember that.

You know, I actually don't remember

what feldman told the cops.

He tried to pretend he didn't speak English, remember?

That's right! The "floonginshorts."

Yes, the "floonginshorts"!

Now we have to make up our own language?

This is getting exhausting.

You know, feldman's restaurant's right here in Hartford.

No, really? Yeah.

We should swing by one night and bust his chops.

We could keep sending back plate after plate

until he gets so angry he comes out.

Let's make a plan. Sure.

Call me at the independence inn.

For now. Sounds great.

So glad we ran into each other. Me too.

It was nice meeting you. Good luck with everything.

Thanks, you too. I'm glad we could catch up too.

If you see fat sal, give him a kiss.

I'll do that. Okay.

Bye.

That was a great surprise.

So you and that guy knew each other, too? What a coincidence!

Come on, honey.

How many times do I have to tell them?

You can't put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater.

You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater.

Otherwise, you get this. Gravy on your asparagus.

Yes. Paris, the cafeteria workers

serve hundreds of students a day.

A little gravy spillage is natural.

I see. So I should just sit quietly

and shovel in whatever slop they throw my way

like some inmate in the chow line at leavenworth

doing 20 to life? I don't think so.

I'll save your seat.

They took my tray. I can't believe it.

All I did was tell them I wanted some new asparagus,

and they took my tray.

I told them to buy a slightly looser hairnet,

that wouldn't squish the part of the brain

that can judge depth, measurements,

and then they took my tray, but still...

Now what?

Are you gonna eat that?

Good. You're here. We need to talk.

We have three classes together. We couldn't talk then?

I thought alone would be better.

Besides, you picked the place.

What do you want? I want a truce.

Excuse me?

A truce. You know... no more fighty fighty.

I don't believe you.

Look...

This is not the way I wanted things to work out.

Honestly. Yes, the hemline thing bugged me,

Paris is not my idea of a secret sister,

but I never intended for things to go so far.

No? No.

It's my senior year, too.

Why would I want to spend the whole time

scheming and fighting?

I want to stop this war,

this vendetta, this... Sicilian thing.

It must end.

This seems awful sudden.

Yes, my time is precious,

if I'm not going to truly commit to a grudge,

I'd like to put that energy somewhere else.

Come on. What do you say?

Friends? Sort of?

Friends. Sort of.

Shake.

Stop doing that!

So you'll come in early and set up the conference room

for the group from Michigan? Yes, I will.

Okay. Sookie's on top of the menu.

Let's make sure the dining room's open for a late lunch.

We need to confirm the number of rooms they'll need.

I've all of this written down on a notepad

right next to my self-help book.

Sorry.

I'm a little stressed at this stupid deposition thing.

Relax. It's very easy.

It is? You've done it?

Once. It was nothing. Why were you deposed?

My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp

that used to love yap to his friends all night long.

It was so cute. Then, one day, he disappeared.

I told the police what I knew,

but, sadly, the adorable little chatterbox was never found.

It was tragic.

You got rid of a dog?

No.

How'd you get rid of a dog?

I'll gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer

and the lie-detector result.

You're heinous. And very well-rested.

Lorelai, hi. Remember me?

Of course I do. Nice to see you again, Joe.

This is a beautiful place you have here.

Yeah, well, it keeps the rain off.

Right. So, is Sookie around?

Oh, yeah. Um, she is.

Right through there, in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Give me those. I'll file them with the rest.

Oh, stop that!

Hey! I'll just be a minute. No. Don't rush.

I was finished with the dinner prep,

then I changed my mind about two of the appetizers.

Sounds like old times.

This place is a long way from the sweatbox of the deerhill.

We've upgraded a lot recently.

We got a new refrigerated prep table,

and we replaced the two vertical mixers.

You still got the old 52-inch viking.

I just like how big it is. I blew it up once. Wow.

But I had them rebuild it.

I refuse to cook on anything else.

Stick with what you know. Exactly.

Taste this.

Maybe a bit more Brandy.

I knew you'd say that.

Well, people like Brandy.

You mean you like Brandy.

And I'm people.

We always had a good time together.

It was a good group. You made it better.

Because I kept you fools

from driving off the side of a Mountain.

I'm glad we ran into each other.

It's not often you get a second chance.

I can't tell you how many times I kicked myself

for not asking you out. Every time I got close,

we'd end up talking about the best way to make calf's liver.

Sauteed with caramelized onions. Exactly.

When I saw you at the center,

it was like fate was saying,

"here you go, man. Try not to screw it up again."

Uh-huh.

Um, could you just, uh, stir?

Yeah. I'll... I'll be back.

Oh, no, sir.

We don't offer a complimentary breakfast.

He thinks it's a date!

Uh, yes, sir. I realize the ramada does.

Lorelai!

Uh, well, if you like,

I could recommend a few places in town.

Uh, okay. Uh-huh. Sure.

Why don't you talk to your wife and call me back?

Okay. Bye.

Hey. What's going on?

He thinks it's a date. What?

Joe... he thinks this is a date. Is he crazy?

You were there. It's not a date, is it?

No! The two of you were gonna go bust feldster's chops.

Busting chops is not a date.

He keeps saying how he liked me then

and how this is his second chance.

He's liked you for ten years?

Yes. Wow.

That is some serious "great gatsby" pining.

I know. You're his Daisy.

I am? I'm his Daisy.

I'm someone's Daisy.

It's very flattering. It is very flattering.

But I didn't bring it on, did I? Did I flirt?

You did not flirt.

You can't flirt when talking about bung.

It's impossible.

He read something into it because he wanted.

What's Jackson gonna say?

It's a misunderstanding. Jackson will be fine.

Just go in there and explain it to Joe.

What do I tell him? He's waited years.

How do you hand out that kinda rejection?

I could tell him I've become a lesbian.

Yeah. Or "I'm married" might work.

Right. I'm married. Good. That's very good.

It's gonna be fine. Joe's a nice guy with taste.

I'm his Daisy. Be happy later.

Right. I'm goin' in.

Independence inn. Lorelai speaking.

So, at the risk of seeming like Joe the drunken chef,

I added some more port to the cumberland sauce.

Now, just promise to try it.

Joe, we need to talk. Wow. You've mellowed.

Before you would've just called me an idiot

and dumped it in the trash.

It's not that. It... you put in more port?

This is a pheasant sauce, not the punch bowl at a frat party.

Just try it. No! No, no.

That's not what I meant to say.

It's just...

There's been a misunderstanding.

I thought this thing tonight was just a... Friends thing.

You know? Not like a date thing.

Oh. Not that going out with you would be bad...

except it would be very, very bad.

Wow.

But only because I'm married.

I meant to say that first! See?

Last may I just... where's my...

oh, hang on.

See, this was supposed to be... When I hold my hand up,

'cause otherwise, "what's she doing?" Right?

Okay. Here.

I take it off when I'm cooking,

but there it is, right where it should be... on my finger.

You're married. Yes, I am.

I hope that's okay.

If your husband's good with it, who am I to complain?

You're not mad? Why would I be mad?

Because you thought this was a date.

Feeling a little stupid, but not mad.

Here. Let me give you some money.

I didn't spend any money.

Let me give you some money anyway.

The only way I'll be mad

is if you throw that sauce out before you try it, okay?

Why don't we make a plan to harass feldman some other time?

You can bring your husband,

and I'll see if I can get a real date.

That'd be fun.

We could even get some of the old gang together.

I'll drive.

I guess this will teach me not to wait ten years next time.

Anyway, I'll give you a call.

Bye, Joe.

See? He's smiling.

I knew it was nothing to get worked up over.

You obviously let him down very well.

And now maybe you guys can be friends.

I'm a whore!

This is silly. I know how to answer a question.

This is your first deposition.

Grandma's lawyers want you to be prepared.

Sample questions. Great.

It's bad enough I have to give a deposition.

Now I have to study for it?

Shall we begin? Go ahead.

"Please describe how your mother runs her household."

Well, do you remember the rowing scene in "Ben-hur"?

Mom. I'm sorry. Did that reference date me?

Should I have gone with the "express yourself" video?

Should we stop? I'm sorry. Ask me another.

"Would you say your mother is

an easy woman to get along with?"

No. Next. You're not taking this seriously.

I am taking this seriously.

Well, you can't say that.

Oh, wow. So you want me to lie.

You don't have to lie.

It's all about how you present the truth.

For example, you could have said,

"my mother is a perfectionist."

Uh-huh. And do you promise to visit mommy in jail?

Yes, I do. Okay, then.

My mother is a perfectionist.

Oh, hey. Where are you going?

Well, I'm going to doose's because we are out of food.

How can you be out of food?

It starts with, "Jess, you do the ordering this week,"

it ends with me selling kirk a lettuce sandwich.

We've eaten those.

I'm gonna pick up some stuff to hold us over.

Get some burgers. And tater tots.

And pickles. Hold on a sec.

Uh, burgers, tater tots, pickles...

you want cheese on the burger?

Cheddar. And Swiss.

Dessert? We've to decide right now?

I would seriously advise it.

Pie. Cherry.

And whipped cream.

And dental floss. And paper towels.

And people magazine. We're really hungry.

Paris. Good. I so need to talk to you.

Are you lost?

Listen, first of all,

I really want to commend you on your job as president so far.

Thank you.

The way you negotiate around

some of those convoluted school issues... mind-blowing.

I watch in awe. Uh-huh.

And that's why this is so hard.

Because I have major respect for you,

and the last thing I'd want

is for you to get the wrong impression about my loyalties.

What are you talking about?

These were shoved in my locker this morning.

And I didn't know what to do, so I thought to myself,

"I'll just show them to Paris and explain,

and she'll understand."

Explain what? What is this?

Rory came to me

and said she wanted to talk about some things...

policy, the prom, the senior gift, et cetera...

so, of course, I said, "why don't we talk about them

at the student council meeting with Paris?"

And she said she wanted to do this without Paris.

She said, "Paris is just too wrapped up

in that boyfriend of hers to care about any of this."

I didn't know what to do, so I went.

And then I found these, and I'm just so upset.

I would never intentionally do anything behind your back.

I promise... the next time Rory tries to get me to,

I'm just gonna say, "talk to the hand."

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean.

Are you mad? Say you're not mad.

I just couldn't live if I thought you were mad.

No, I'm not mad.

Well, thank God for that.

Okay, class, we will begin in five minutes.

Does your helmet smell?

I always get one that smells.

You'd think the brain trust behind p.E.

Could come up with some sport

that didn't give you helmet hair.

Like badminton. Or striptease aerobics.

What? It's really big in L.A.

You don't actually have to strip.

Do the other people throw money?

Fine. Mock. But have you ever seen an overweight stripper?

The word "no" seems so wildly inadequate all of a sudden.

Where have you been? Washing my hands.

Alright, everyone. Take your places.

We will warm up with your counter-sixte-riposte quarte.

Melanie, please lead the group.

Oh, my God. There's a hair in mine.

Just close your eyes and think of england, honey.

Doesn't it seem strange to be practicing a sport

whose original purpose was to kill people?

It's like if high schools of the future had teams in artillery

or high-altitude bombing or something.

Beginning salute.

En garde. Right-side advance.

You okay? Right-side retreat.

Why do you ask? And lunge.

You just seem weird.

Left-side advance.

Easy, there, Paris. Left-side retreat.

We're fencing, Rory, not playing Patty-cake.

You know, it's interesting how you think you know someone.

Right-side quarte lunge.

You trust a person, you rely on a person,

you turn around and realize you've been had.

Ever experience that? Riposte.

I hate being had. Why are you telling me this?

You're not supposed to be parrying that hard.

Maybe I should turn around

so you can just stick it in my back.

What're you talking about? I saw the pictures.

What pictures? You know what pictures.

Obviously I don't know what pictures.

The pictures of you and francie in the parking garage

talking about me.

Don't make that face at me.

What? I'm wearing a mask.

The "I'm Rory. Don't you want to pet me?" Face.

I know you've been meeting.

We haven't. We met once...

aha! You admit it!

It wasn't what you think!

Brutus!

Paris, you have to listen to me. Francie wanted to meet.

She said she wanted to call a truce.

She took those pictures. She's setting me up.

She's trying to manipulate you.

You think I don't know

when someone's trying to manipulate me?

But it doesn't change the fact

that you met with her behind my back.

I was trying to help you. You were?

You mean, in between betraying me.

And selling me out. You were trying to help me?

Stop it! Make me.

Come back here, gilmore!

Come back and fight like a man!

And the worst part is, you told her about Jamie.

I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend.

I still can't believe it.

I can't believe I got sucked in like that.

That francie is pure evil,

so she'll probably wind up president.

Paris is so upset. She totally thinks I betrayed her.

She'll calm down. Paris has never calmed down.

I can't believe I was her best friend.

I-I feel awful.

If you want to make things right,

just go back to school tomorrow and let her stab you. Great idea.

I'm nothing if not full of suggestions. Or full of something.

Hey, grandma.

Hi, mom. Come in. It's cold.

Do you want me to talk to her... arrange a sit-down?

No, thanks. Come on!

We'll have it in an Italian restaurant.

You'll get up, go to the bathroom... thanks...

and come out shooting, then I'll send you to Italy.

I do want to go to Italy.

Two birds with one stone, my friend.

Is everything okay, mom?

Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay?

I don't know. You seem quiet.

Do I? I guess I do.

I don't really have a lot to say, actually.

I know. Why don't I read to you instead?

What's that? This? Nothing.

Just your deposition. How did you get...

shh. Listen. It's fun.

Okay.

Question... "would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?"

Oh, boy.

Answer... "um, well, sure."

What? I said you were.

You said "sure." Which, to most people, means yes.

To most people it does, but your "sure" is always sarcastic.

I do not have a sarcastic "sure."

Do I?

Pick spot on carpet and stare.

Question... "why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?"

Mom! Answer... "different reasons."

That's true, right?

"Can you expand on that?"

Answer... "gee, how much time do you have?"

Okay. See... "if you guys have lunch

"or an afternoon squash game...

"you look like the kinda guys who play squash...

"hey, why is it called squash?

"Is it something to do with the fruit... or vegetable?

"Squash is a vegetable, though, if you ask me,

"it's gross no matter what you call it.

"Anyway, what I'm saying

is you might want to clear your afternoon."

I was flustered. He was using lawyer tricks.

By asking you to expand? Now you pipe in?

Didn't I tell you this was important? Yes, you did.

You couldn't find it in your heart

to put aside your personal antagonism toward me for one day

and help me out? This is not fair.

I said a lot of nice things about you.

Oh, really?

"Would you say your mother sets impossible goals

"which people cannot help but fail to reach,

"thereby reinforcing her already-formed opinion

of their deficiencies?"

Answer... "only for her daughter."

Okay, not there, but keep flipping.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but dinner is ready, Mrs. gilmore.

Dinner! Hey! Dinner's ready!

Who's hungry besides me?

I'd keep it warm. We're gonna be here awhile.

Okay. Go ahead.

"Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman?

A long pause."

Why was there a long pause, lorelai?

Because I was deliberately trying to hurt you, mom.

"On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate your mother

in terms of compassion for other people's feelings?"

Want to guess what she said?

No, thank you. Mom.

Hang on a second, lorelai.

I just want to skip to the "Ben-hur" reference.

Yeah. I did.

Sookie, I'm home.

I got the... surprise!

What is this?

I made you dinner.

It smells terrific.

Lamb chops with sicilian olives, Rosemary, and garlic

and a warm potato-and-chorizo salad.

I love lamb chops with sicilian olives, Rosemary, and garlic

and a warm potato-and-chorizo salad.

I know.

What's that? Beef jerky.

You made beef jerky for me.

And there's corn bread

and fried marshmallow pie for dessert!

And you have ccr on. Well, you like ccr.

I know I like ccr. You don't like ccr.

Sometimes I like ccr, and tonight I like ccr.

You cheated on me!

No! Oh, my God!

I just flirted... accidentally!

Turn it off! Let me explain!

Every time I hear it now

it'll remind me my wife cheated on me!

Flirted! Accidentally!

You ruined creedence for me!

I'm going to bed.

At 9:30?

Going a whole day without talking to anyone

is a lot more tiring.

I hate those girls. It's fine.

It was the first lunch that didn't start with a recitation

of the calorie content of everything on the table,

it was kind of a relief.

I hate them anyhow.

Night. Goodnight, babe.

Hello?

Lorelai? It's Alex lesman.

We met at the learning center.

My friend accidentally asked your friend on a date.

Um, right. Hi.

How are you? Fat sal sends his love.

Right back at him.

You're probably wondering how I got your number.

Information?

That would've been far too logical.

I actually called your inn.

This French guy gave me your home number.

Said I shouldn't worry about calling late,

you usually stay up till 3:00, 4:00.

Don't worry about him. He's getting fired tomorrow.

So, what's up?

Well, I was wondering something.

Uh-huh.

I like coffee shops,

try their coffee, see what they're doing.

See if there's anything you can steal and disguise as your own?

Exactly... kind of a low-rent corporate espionage.

Anyway, sometimes I'll hit two coffee shops

that have surprisingly similar product,

and I cannot decide which one is better.

Bummer. Yes. Bummer.

I thought it would help to have another person there

who'd help me make these crucial evaluations.

Interesting solution to a fascinating problem.

So I was wondering what you were doing this Saturday.

It's funny you ask, I happen to be

the world's foremost coffee experts. Really?

It's basically just me and this guy named chuckles in Brazil.

Sounds like fate. So what do you say?

Sure. Great.

To be on the safe side... you know this is a date?

Oh, yeah. I got that. Good.

You guys come up with a name for your place yet?

Right now the top contender is sludge.

Excuse me? Moving on.

My partner likes regular Joe.

Then again, his name is Joe.

Oh. Fancy that.

So, still won't let go of the mudhouse, huh?

'Fraid not. What else you got?

Well, okay. How about black liquid hope sold here?

See, now you're making some progress.