All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls - 03x11 - I Solemnly Swear.WEB-DL.English.orig.Addic7ed.com

Hi.
Good evening.

May I take your coats?
Thanks.

That's the most absurd
thing I've ever heard!

Your mother's
in the living room.

Last chance to run, huh?
Excuse me?

Just ignore her.

Of course I said it!

I can't imagine who would take
"jackbooted" as a compliment.

I will not apologize!

Every time she went
to the pantry,

I thought she was marching
on Poland.

Oh, I see, because I want things
a certain way, I'm unreasonable?

Shh.

That's the most absurd...
I wanna see this document.

Fax it to me immediately.
"Fax it to me immediately"?

She's part
of the electronic age.

Tomorrow morning
is completely unacceptable.

It's unacceptable because
I'm paying you $300 an hour.

So turn that little
near-luxury car around,

go back to your office, and fax
me that libelous scrap of paper.

Also if he can pick up
some ice cream.

Tell your wife to tape
your daughter's recital.

Unbelievable.
Hi, mom.

Hey, grandma.
When did you two get here?

Between the second "absurd"
and the third "unbelievable."

I apologize.
That call caught me off guard.

Is everything alright, grandma?
Everything's fine.

You sure?
I'm sure.

You look peeved.
I'm not peeved.

Well, you look peeved.

Kindly stop making me
say the word "peeved."

Mom, spill it.
What's wrong?

That was our lawyer
calling to inform me

that one of our former maids

is suing
for wrongful termination.

Hmm.

You might at least
act surprised.

It's not the first time.
It most certainly is.

Really?
Yes, lorealai, really.

Well, then, I'm surprised.

It's beyond surprising.
It's outrageous.

What did grandpa say?
Your grandfather's still in London

helping his mother close
down her house.

I think he planned it that way.
Which maid was it?

Gerta, the one
from hamburg, Germany.

Which one was she?
You remember.

She was the one you made those
hamburg/hamburger jokes to.

I beat that dead horse.
With glee.

She was the clomper.
"The clomper?"

She'd be making the beds,

it would sound like
a Munich-beer-hall rally.

That's why you fired her?
Yes.

Because she made noise when she walked?
Yes.

Was she a good maid otherwise?
What?

Besides the clomping,
was she polite, on time,

made sure the little fork
went on the outside?

Have you been listening to me?

She wasn't performing
her duties as I wished

them to be performed.
The rest doesn't matter.

It's always something.
What's that supposed to mean?

You find the one thing
about a maid

that negates
all of her good qualities.

Isn't it easier to let
a couple of things slide?

So it's my fault.

I didn't say that.
No, lorelai, you did.

For years I've been listening
to you and your father

and everyone else go on
about how demanding I am.

How I have to have
things a certain way.

I pay to have them that way.
I pay more than anyone else.

When it's not how I want,
it means I'm not getting what I paid for.

Why is that hard to understand?

It isn't hard to understand,
it's...

if you pay for first class
and you end up in coach,

people expect you to be upset.
No one calls you demanding or unreasonable.

And yet this woman whom I pay more than
she could get anywhere else in Hartford,

whose severance package could finance
a summer cruise down the rhine

dragging me into court
saying that I was unfair.

Why? Because having paid
for one thing,

I'm not content with something
else? That makes me unfair?

Well, then, so be it.

Let someone else pay first class
and ride in steerage, not me.

Excuse me, Mrs. gilmore.
Dinner's ready.

Thank you, Brooke.
We'll be right there.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?
Exactly.

♪ If you're out on the road ♪

♪ feelin' lonely and so cold ♪

♪ all you have to do
is call my name ♪

♪ and I'll be there
on the next train ♪

♪ where you lead,
I will follow ♪

♪ anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪
♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ where you lead,
I will follow ♪

♪ any, anywhere
that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪
♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow where you lead ♪

next time I want some grapefruit,
I'm just gonna ask for a kazoo.

'Cause you can only seem to give
me the most bizarre opposite.

I need you to...
shh! Shh!

It's started! You were supposed
to call me.

Stop talking.

I understand perfectly.

You wanna be a dictator!
Come off it!

Commandant St. James says,
"brussels sprouts!

You will bring me
the brussels sprouts!"

I'm trying to plan a menu here,
Jackson!

Fill me in, please.

Jackson brought pea tendrils
instead of brussels sprouts.

Aren't we evel knievel?
Coffee?

Pea tendrils are too delicate
to serve with the lamb shank!

I don't think that they are!

Where are the brussels sprouts?

I looked at the stocks.
They weren't good enough!

You always do this!

Doesn't it matter
that I care so much

about the quality
of the produce

that I'd be willing to risk
an enormous argument

just to save your dinner?
Oops. That was dumb.

Save my dinner?
You know what I meant.

Yes, my dinner is out standing
on a ledge.

"Oh, no!
What's gonna happen?"

Sookie...
"Wait. What's that?

"It's a bird.
It's a plane.

It's superjackson
and his atomic pea tendrils!"

You wanna get
another produce guy?

Maybe I should.
Well, go ahead.

Don't tempt me!
That's it! I am leaving!

Go! But take the tendrils
with ya!

Fine!

See you tonight?
I love you.

And it always ends with a hug.
Okay, what do you need?

The new insurance policies
you ordered.

Good. And the inspector's
supposed to be coming by

to check the place out
tomorrow,

you'll have to show him around.
What?

You're covering for me,
remember?

Yes. Tomorrow, the
two of you go back to school.

It's not school. It's a one-day
course at the learning center.

"How to run an inn."

Amazing you've been able
to fake it so long.

This is specific to opening
small inns, bed and breakfasts.

I see. "Order half
of everything."

There... you owe me $75.

Why are you being a snob?
You went to hotel school.

I attended
the ecole hoteliere de geneve.

That'll make one hell
of a sweatshirt.

It was one of the premiere
hotel schools in the world.

You two are going to take
a two-hour course at a radisson.

Jackson's taken a lot of courses
through the learning center,

and he loves it.
He took beekeeping...

Jackson keeps bees?
No, it turned out he was allergic.

One stung his lip,
and his whole head

blew up to three times
its normal size.

Please tell me
you have pictures.

He took a course on how to buy
foreclosed real estate,

and how to write a diary.
How do you not know that?

He's a searcher.
Yes, he is.

I think he was lonely
before we met

and he didn't live near a bar.
Yes.

Tomorrow will be
a waste of time and money.

I'll be here to laugh
at you when you return.

Thanks for your support.

Forget him. Opening
an inn is a huge step,

anything that might help is worth trying.
Exactly, partner.

Tell me you got pictures
of Jackson and his giant head.

I'll bring them in tomorrow.

Hey, Paris. Have you looked over
the votes for commencement speaker?

Yeah. Are the ones for princess
Diana's Butler jokes or real?

Jokes. What about the
ones for Dr. Phil?

I think real.
I knew that suggestion box was a bad idea.

Watch choate get Joan didion

while we're being read
"Eloise at the Plaza."

Before the others get here,
we should probably decide

what we're gonna do.
About what?

The prom coup francie
staged last week.

You mean booking
Wadsworth mansion?

Using the money for the
telescope for the senior gift.

Why does one pinhead always
have to vote for Jerry Garcia?

I'm not sure if the
deposit check...

I took care of that.
What?

Wadsworth mansion is owned by the
Connecticut daughters of the mayflower.

Most of those biddies couldn't negotiate
an icy sidewalk much less a contract.

Took me five minutes to get them
to half their asking price.

You're kidding. I wasn't gonna let
the class gift be a stupid tree

just so ginger spice can have
her Barbie dream prom.

She's a sneak.
She's not smart enough to be a sneak.

It's that loser Mr. hunter
that let her get away with it.

She forced him into it. You can't
force a teacher into something, Rory.

No, it was hunter.

He's been jealous
since I got into office.

Whenever I announce I have
a new motion to introduce,

he flinches, actually physically
tightens up for a moment.

It's creepy.
Yeah. But...

our fearless leaders
at work already.

I feel so safe.

That girl bugs me.
Relax. She's harmless.

Paris, Rory.

"Paris, Rory." Bed wetter.
Shall we sit?

Fine, let's sit.

I call this meeting of the
student council to order.

Is the secretary ready?
I am.

Then let's proceed.

First of all,
I'd like to apologize

for missing last week's
somewhat impromptu meeting.

As most of you know,
its scheduling

was somewhat unorthodox

since the meeting was
a supplementary meeting,

which was a concept
invented by me.

So the fact that anyone
would hold a meeting

invented by a certain person
without that certain person

seems, well, let's see...
what's the word?..

mutinous, insulting,
underhanded,

and, in the end, fruitless,

since I managed to renegotiate
the rental fee

for the Wadsworth mansion

so that we'll be able
to have the prom

and give the school
a respectable senior gift

in the form of a telescope.

Any questions, Mr. Christian...
I mean, Mr. hunter.

Uh, no.

Good. So, now that that's
out of the way,

let's move on
to other business. Francie.

As you know,
health week is coming up.

We have speakers lined up
to discuss everything

from heart disease and exercise

to the dangers
of sun damage and fried food.

Everyone's booked
and ready to go.

We'll need to figure out where
to set up the sign-up table

for the annual blood drive.
Aaaaaah!

Jeez.
What's the matter?

She hates the word "blood."
Give me a heart attack.

Keep your hands on your ears.
Tell me when it's over.

As I was saying before the
freak-out, we've to decide

where to place the sign-up
table for the blood drive.

I can still hear her!
Hum to yourself.

Continue, please.
I'm proposing putting it in the cafeteria.

It's got easy access,
maximum exposure,

almost 90% of the student body visits the
cafeteria every day. It's the perfect location.

Well?
No.

Excuse me?
You can't. It's a fire hazard.

It is? Yes.
You'll have to find another place.

You're kidding.
I never kid about fire safety.

Rory, I actually know the
fire codes for the cafeteria,

and as long as we don't
have more than 300 people,

we can start an opium den, the
fire department wouldn't care.

I think they would care.

I'm not talking
about numbers.

You set up that table, get
people thinking about blood,

someone smells smoke, and the next
thing you know, 50 stampeding teenagers

are using your body to lever
open a door. I won't allow that.

This is "xanadu" - level
of insane.

You do realize you're
opposing the blood drive?

No, I'm opposing the blood drive
in the cafeteria.

Is it that big a deal?
It's the rules of common decency.

And I won't let
francie ignore those rules.

Well, okay. Motion denied.

The senior class president will
come up with an alternate plan

for the location of the sign-up
table for the blood drive.

Louise, poke John Williams
over there and tell her

she can cut the score,
we're moving on.

Advertising space in the
yearbook is only 50% sold.

What are we going to do
about this?

Roger, yes?
Well...

dinner!
Over here!

We are so in luck.
It was international grab-bag night at Al's.

Cool! Did you peek?
And ruin the mystery dinner?

I think not. Pick.
That one.

Okay. I love this. It's food and a game
all-in-one. We open them at the same time.

I know the rules.
Don't jump the gun.

There's too much pressure associated
with international grab-bag night.

I'm your mother.
It's my responsibility to give you structure.

Now, on three.
One, two, three.

Hmm, Moroccan.
You always say Moroccan.

And sooner or later, I will
be right. What's yours?

Pan-Asian, with a hint
of English colonial,

and a few South African
influences.

Way to hedge your bet.
Kitchen?

Just let me check the machine.
Okay.

Miss gilmore, it's Bob merriam,
your mother's lawyer.

I'm calling about the little matter
of this lawsuit she's involved in.

We'd like it if you could give
a deposition on her behalf.

Please call me tomorrow with some
times that would be convenient...

Oh, no!
What?

No, no, no, no, no!
Hello?

No.
Who is this?

I'm not giving a deposition.
Of course you are.

Please leave me out of this.

So you're just going to let this
lead-footed teutonic chambermaid

drag your mother into a public
forum and humiliate her,

is that what I'm hearing?
Mom.

Her lawyer knows we asked
for this deposition.

How's it going to look when you
refuse to testify for your mother?

Like it's not my business.
I'm sure the 12 rocket scientists

they assemble as jury
will see it that way.

Honestly, mom, I doubt they'll find 12
people who haven't been fired by you.

I can't believe my daughter
won't defend me.

I'm not gonna lie for you.

Just tell them
how I treat my maids.

I'm not gonna lie for you.
Just tell them I treat the help fairly.

I'm not gonna lie for you.
Lorelai.

There is something
called family loyalty.

It means when someone is
in trouble, you help them,

as I have helped you several
times over the years.

The very least you could do
in return is spend half an hour

saying something kind
about your mother.

Fine.

Thank you.
Your devotion is touching.

I have to give a deposition.

I don't think this is Moroccan,
or at least not recently.

Want some of mine?

Nope.
Yikes.

Luke's?
Let's go.

I can't stress enough
the value of a good paint job.

One of the first decisions
you'll have to make

when you open your inn

is whether to employ your
housekeepers individually

or contract out to
a housekeeping service.

If you use a service, you'll be assured
of having a replacement housekeeper

if one should call in sick
or quit suddenly.

But you'll pay $2 more an hour,

and they'll be loyal
to the service, not to you.

However, you'll probably end up
paying a bit more

than if you hired them
individually.

I can't believe
you're taking notes.

He has said nothing in the last
two hours that we didn't know,

and he's saying it really
condescendingly.

So, in addition to being bored,
I'm getting hostile and a little insecure

'cause you're studying
and I'm not.

Pick a color.
Pink.

'Cause you're a girl.
Exactly.

P-I-n-k. Pick a number.

Five.

You will marry Shaun Cassidy
and cheat with David.

Well, good for me.
My turn.

Some of us are here to learn.

Sorry.
Yeah, sorry.

We had a cootie catcher.
We're sorry.

As I was saying,

the points we've covered
should get you started,

but remember,
it's a long process,

so don't get discouraged.
I'm sure one day

I'll be staying in each
and every one of your inns.

He's not staying in our inn.
Thank you.

Now, don't run off just yet.
We've got one final treat.

I'd like to introduce you all
to John mattern.

Hello, everyone. I'm very pleased
to be here addressing you today.

I asked Brian if I could have a
few minutes at the end of today

to show you all some
opportunities

that I think you're going
to find really exciting.

I know that I do.

If we could...

Now, this is a lovely property

that has just become available
right outside of litchfield.

It's a sales pitch?

They spent two hours
telling us nothing

and then try to sell us
lame property?

We already know the place
we're buying.

I know.
So what do we do?

I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.

Let's go.

A perfectly restorable
sun porch

wraps around
the entire main structure.

Let's step inside
this diamond in the rough.

Unbelievable.
Shocking.

We work at an inn for so long
and learn so little.

We must be dumb.

Who would've thought that inns need doors...
not me.

And floors?
Doors and floors... we can't afford that.

Well, we better, otherwise,
our guests will fall right through to China.

I can just imagine
the phone calls.

What was Jackson thinking saying
these courses were good?

The man took a course in diary writing.
Thank God... food.

Is it worth it if we can make up
our $75 admission fee in cookies?

Considering that in the
past hour I uttered the phrase,

"my God, I should've
listened to Michel,"

these better be the best
damn cookies in the world.

And they taste like feet.

Oh, well,
even their cookies suck.

Stand by,
I'm going in for coffee.

Sookie? Sookie St. James?
Uh-huh.

It's Joe... Joe mastoni
from the deerhill lodge.

Oh, my God! Joe! Joe!
Joe from the deerhill lodge!

It's Joe
from the deerhill lodge!

How are you?

Sorry.

Well, come here!

Oh! Lorelai, this is Joe.

Joe, lorelai.
Hi.

Nice to meet you.
This is Alex, my partner.

Business partner. Clarification duly noted.
Nice to meet you.

We worked together one
summer up in the berkshires.

We had a wild time that summer.

Wild time, huh?
Do tell.

We'd all work 14 hours straight,
party till dawn,

pile in Joe's van, and wake up
in New Hampshire or Maine

with just enough time to get
back for the next shift.

We had an interesting crew...

Sookie, me, feldman,
mellon, bung.

Bung? He had been up there
for a couple years already.

But we both were in prep.
And, I repeat, bung?

I'm still wondering if mellon's
a man or a woman.

I promised myself
after that summer

I would never chop small green
things en masse ever again.

Or drink all the leftover wine
on an empty stomach!

Let me see your hands.

Hey, nice blisters.

Let me see yours.
Ooh, not bad, not bad.

I'm careful about using
the towels with the hot stuff.

Sissy. Yeah, yeah.
So what are you doing here?

We are opening an inn together,
so we came for a class.

Really? We're here for a class about
opening your own coffee place.

Chain of coffee places,
actually.

That's great. We'll see.
It's pretty new territory for us.

Joe knows the food industry.
I'm coming from ironworks,

so I basically know what the
security gate should be made of.

Don't listen to him. Alex
is an incredible businessman.

That's true.
We've got the business model planned out.

There's a couple of prime
locations we're interested in.

The only thing left besides building
the place is picking a name.

Oh, little tip...
don't choose anything cute.

Like jitters.
Or spill the beans.

Or higher ground.
Or the mudhouse.

Actually, I kinda like that.
Me too. We call dibs.

I thought you were opening an inn.
We wanna keep our options open.

Did you hear
about feldman's restaurant?

The feldster opened
a restaurant?

I know I'm repeating myself,
but the feldster?

I can't believe he opened
his own place.

He spent the whole summer
getting stoned.

He was our Baker.
Right. That figures.

Huh? Baker... getting baked.
I'm there.

Oh, congratulations. You still
can't have the mudhouse.

Do you remember the last
reception we catered...

the parakeets, everyone dressed
as knights and ladies?

Oh, God.
Old friends, huh?

Yeah, there's nothing like 'em.

I never did figure out how bung
got into a fight with the bride.

One minute, everything's fine.

Next, he's beaning her
with the ice sculpture.

Remember the time you and fat sal
got locked in the freezer overnight?

Fat sal?
Work with me here.

Right.
Fat sal. Yes, right.

Then feldman got into a fight
with the bride's mother.

That's right! He went after
the whole bridal party!

You remember how me and bruiser,
never liked that guy.

We found you guys in the morning,
and you were frozen together like bacon?

Yeah, I still can't eat bacon.

You remember what feldman
told the cops?

Oh, yeah!

Before we would let you out,
we made you and fat sal kiss?

I'm not sure I remember that.

You know,
I actually don't remember

what feldman told the cops.

He tried to pretend he didn't
speak English, remember?

That's right!
The "floonginshorts."

Yes, the "floonginshorts"!

Now we have to make up
our own language?

This is getting exhausting.

You know, feldman's restaurant's
right here in Hartford.

No, really?
Yeah.

We should swing by one night
and bust his chops.

We could keep sending back
plate after plate

until he gets so angry
he comes out.

Let's make a plan.
Sure.

Call me at
the independence inn.

For now.
Sounds great.

So glad we ran into each other.
Me too.

It was nice meeting you.
Good luck with everything.

Thanks, you too.
I'm glad we could catch up too.

If you see fat sal,
give him a kiss.

I'll do that.
Okay.

Bye.

That was a great surprise.

So you and that guy knew each
other, too? What a coincidence!

Come on, honey.

How many times
do I have to tell them?

You can't put a two-inch ladle of
gravy into a one-inch potato crater.

You either need a smaller ladle
or a bigger crater.

Otherwise, you get this.
Gravy on your asparagus.

Yes. Paris,
the cafeteria workers

serve hundreds of students
a day.

A little gravy spillage
is natural.

I see. So I should
just sit quietly

and shovel in whatever slop
they throw my way

like some inmate
in the chow line at leavenworth

doing 20 to life?
I don't think so.

I'll save your seat.

They took my tray.
I can't believe it.

All I did was tell them
I wanted some new asparagus,

and they took my tray.

I told them to buy
a slightly looser hairnet,

that wouldn't squish
the part of the brain

that can judge depth,
measurements,

and then they took my tray,
but still...

Now what?

Are you gonna eat that?

Good. You're here.
We need to talk.

We have three classes together.
We couldn't talk then?

I thought alone
would be better.

Besides, you picked the place.

What do you want?
I want a truce.

Excuse me?

A truce. You know...
no more fighty fighty.

I don't believe you.

Look...

This is not the way
I wanted things to work out.

Honestly. Yes, the hemline thing
bugged me,

Paris is not my idea
of a secret sister,

but I never intended
for things to go so far.

No?
No.

It's my senior year, too.

Why would I want to spend
the whole time

scheming and fighting?

I want to stop this war,

this vendetta,
this... Sicilian thing.

It must end.

This seems awful sudden.

Yes, my time is precious,

if I'm not going to
truly commit to a grudge,

I'd like to put that energy
somewhere else.

Come on.
What do you say?

Friends? Sort of?

Friends. Sort of.

Shake.

Stop doing that!

So you'll come in early
and set up the conference room

for the group from Michigan?
Yes, I will.

Okay. Sookie's on top
of the menu.

Let's make sure the dining
room's open for a late lunch.

We need to confirm the number
of rooms they'll need.

I've all of this written down
on a notepad

right next to
my self-help book.

Sorry.

I'm a little stressed
at this stupid deposition thing.

Relax.
It's very easy.

It is?
You've done it?

Once. It was nothing.
Why were you deposed?

My neighbor had this dog,
a frisky little scamp

that used to love yap
to his friends all night long.

It was so cute.
Then, one day, he disappeared.

I told the police what I knew,

but, sadly, the adorable little
chatterbox was never found.

It was tragic.

You got rid of a dog?

No.

How'd you get rid of a dog?

I'll gladly show you
the transcript from the lawyer

and the lie-detector result.

You're heinous.
And very well-rested.

Lorelai, hi.
Remember me?

Of course I do.
Nice to see you again, Joe.

This is a beautiful place
you have here.

Yeah, well,
it keeps the rain off.

Right.
So, is Sookie around?

Oh, yeah. Um, she is.

Right through there,
in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Give me those.
I'll file them with the rest.

Oh, stop that!

Hey! I'll just be a minute.
No. Don't rush.

I was finished
with the dinner prep,

then I changed my mind
about two of the appetizers.

Sounds like old times.

This place is a long way from
the sweatbox of the deerhill.

We've upgraded a lot recently.

We got a new
refrigerated prep table,

and we replaced
the two vertical mixers.

You still got
the old 52-inch viking.

I just like how big it is.
I blew it up once. Wow.

But I had them rebuild it.

I refuse to cook
on anything else.

Stick with what you know.
Exactly.

Taste this.

Maybe a bit more Brandy.

I knew you'd say that.

Well, people like Brandy.

You mean you like Brandy.

And I'm people.

We always had a good time
together.

It was a good group.
You made it better.

Because I kept you fools

from driving off the side
of a Mountain.

I'm glad
we ran into each other.

It's not often you get
a second chance.

I can't tell you
how many times I kicked myself

for not asking you out.
Every time I got close,

we'd end up talking about the
best way to make calf's liver.

Sauteed with caramelized onions.
Exactly.

When I saw you at the center,

it was like fate was saying,

"here you go, man.
Try not to screw it up again."

Uh-huh.

Um, could you just, uh, stir?

Yeah.
I'll... I'll be back.

Oh, no, sir.

We don't offer
a complimentary breakfast.

He thinks it's a date!

Uh, yes, sir.
I realize the ramada does.

Lorelai!

Uh, well, if you like,

I could recommend
a few places in town.

Uh, okay. Uh-huh.
Sure.

Why don't you talk to your wife
and call me back?

Okay. Bye.

Hey. What's going on?

He thinks it's a date.
What?

Joe... he thinks this is a date.
Is he crazy?

You were there.
It's not a date, is it?

No! The two of you were gonna
go bust feldster's chops.

Busting chops is not a date.

He keeps saying
how he liked me then

and how this is
his second chance.

He's liked you for ten years?

Yes.
Wow.

That is some serious
"great gatsby" pining.

I know.
You're his Daisy.

I am?
I'm his Daisy.

I'm someone's Daisy.

It's very flattering.
It is very flattering.

But I didn't bring it on, did I?
Did I flirt?

You did not flirt.

You can't flirt
when talking about bung.

It's impossible.

He read something into it
because he wanted.

What's Jackson gonna say?

It's a misunderstanding.
Jackson will be fine.

Just go in there
and explain it to Joe.

What do I tell him?
He's waited years.

How do you hand out
that kinda rejection?

I could tell him I've become
a lesbian.

Yeah.
Or "I'm married" might work.

Right. I'm married. Good.
That's very good.

It's gonna be fine. Joe's
a nice guy with taste.

I'm his Daisy.
Be happy later.

Right.
I'm goin' in.

Independence inn.
Lorelai speaking.

So, at the risk of seeming like
Joe the drunken chef,

I added some more port
to the cumberland sauce.

Now, just promise to try it.

Joe, we need to talk.
Wow. You've mellowed.

Before you would've
just called me an idiot

and dumped it in the trash.

It's not that. It...
you put in more port?

This is a pheasant sauce, not
the punch bowl at a frat party.

Just try it.
No! No, no.

That's not what I meant to say.

It's just...

There's been
a misunderstanding.

I thought this thing tonight was
just a... Friends thing.

You know?
Not like a date thing.

Oh. Not that going out
with you would be bad...

except it would be very,
very bad.

Wow.

But only because I'm married.

I meant to say that first!
See?

Last may I just...
where's my...

oh, hang on.

See, this was supposed to be...
When I hold my hand up,

'cause otherwise,
"what's she doing?" Right?

Okay. Here.

I take it off when I'm cooking,

but there it is, right where it
should be... on my finger.

You're married.
Yes, I am.

I hope that's okay.

If your husband's good with it,
who am I to complain?

You're not mad?
Why would I be mad?

Because you thought
this was a date.

Feeling a little stupid,
but not mad.

Here. Let me give you
some money.

I didn't spend any money.

Let me give you
some money anyway.

The only way I'll be mad

is if you throw that sauce out
before you try it, okay?

Why don't we make a plan to
harass feldman some other time?

You can bring your husband,

and I'll see if I can get
a real date.

That'd be fun.

We could even get
some of the old gang together.

I'll drive.

I guess this will teach me
not to wait ten years next time.

Anyway, I'll give you a call.

Bye, Joe.

See? He's smiling.

I knew it was nothing to get
worked up over.

You obviously let him down
very well.

And now maybe you guys
can be friends.

I'm a whore!

This is silly.
I know how to answer a question.

This is your first deposition.

Grandma's lawyers
want you to be prepared.

Sample questions.
Great.

It's bad enough I have to give
a deposition.

Now I have to study for it?

Shall we begin?
Go ahead.

"Please describe how your mother
runs her household."

Well, do you remember
the rowing scene in "Ben-hur"?

Mom. I'm sorry.
Did that reference date me?

Should I have gone with
the "express yourself" video?

Should we stop? I'm sorry.
Ask me another.

"Would you say your mother is

an easy woman
to get along with?"

No. Next.
You're not taking this seriously.

I am taking this seriously.

Well, you can't say that.

Oh, wow.
So you want me to lie.

You don't have to lie.

It's all about how you present
the truth.

For example,
you could have said,

"my mother is
a perfectionist."

Uh-huh. And do you promise
to visit mommy in jail?

Yes, I do.
Okay, then.

My mother is a perfectionist.

Oh, hey.
Where are you going?

Well, I'm going to doose's
because we are out of food.

How can you be out of food?

It starts with, "Jess, you do
the ordering this week,"

it ends with me selling kirk
a lettuce sandwich.

We've eaten those.

I'm gonna pick up some stuff
to hold us over.

Get some burgers.
And tater tots.

And pickles.
Hold on a sec.

Uh, burgers, tater tots,
pickles...

you want cheese on the burger?

Cheddar.
And Swiss.

Dessert?
We've to decide right now?

I would seriously advise it.

Pie.
Cherry.

And whipped cream.

And dental floss.
And paper towels.

And people magazine.
We're really hungry.

Paris. Good.
I so need to talk to you.

Are you lost?

Listen, first of all,

I really want to commend you
on your job as president so far.

Thank you.

The way you negotiate around

some of those convoluted
school issues... mind-blowing.

I watch in awe.
Uh-huh.

And that's why this is so hard.

Because I have major respect
for you,

and the last thing I'd want

is for you to get the wrong
impression about my loyalties.

What are you talking about?

These were shoved
in my locker this morning.

And I didn't know what to do,
so I thought to myself,

"I'll just show them to Paris
and explain,

and she'll understand."

Explain what?
What is this?

Rory came to me

and said she wanted to talk
about some things...

policy, the prom,
the senior gift, et cetera...

so, of course, I said,
"why don't we talk about them

at the student council meeting
with Paris?"

And she said she wanted to
do this without Paris.

She said,
"Paris is just too wrapped up

in that boyfriend of hers
to care about any of this."

I didn't know what to do,
so I went.

And then I found these,
and I'm just so upset.

I would never intentionally do
anything behind your back.

I promise... the next time
Rory tries to get me to,

I'm just gonna say,
"talk to the hand."

You know what I mean?

Yes, I know what you mean.

Are you mad?
Say you're not mad.

I just couldn't live
if I thought you were mad.

No, I'm not mad.

Well, thank God for that.

Okay, class, we will begin
in five minutes.

Does your helmet smell?

I always get one that smells.

You'd think the brain trust
behind p.E.

Could come up with some sport

that didn't give you
helmet hair.

Like badminton.
Or striptease aerobics.

What?
It's really big in L.A.

You don't actually
have to strip.

Do the other people
throw money?

Fine. Mock. But have you ever
seen an overweight stripper?

The word "no" seems so wildly
inadequate all of a sudden.

Where have you been?
Washing my hands.

Alright, everyone.
Take your places.

We will warm up with your
counter-sixte-riposte quarte.

Melanie, please lead the group.

Oh, my God.
There's a hair in mine.

Just close your eyes
and think of england, honey.

Doesn't it seem strange to be
practicing a sport

whose original purpose was to
kill people?

It's like if high schools of the
future had teams in artillery

or high-altitude bombing
or something.

Beginning salute.

En garde.
Right-side advance.

You okay?
Right-side retreat.

Why do you ask?
And lunge.

You just seem weird.

Left-side advance.

Easy, there, Paris.
Left-side retreat.

We're fencing, Rory,
not playing Patty-cake.

You know, it's interesting
how you think you know someone.

Right-side quarte lunge.

You trust a person,
you rely on a person,

you turn around
and realize you've been had.

Ever experience that?
Riposte.

I hate being had.
Why are you telling me this?

You're not supposed to be
parrying that hard.

Maybe I should turn around

so you can just stick it
in my back.

What're you talking about?
I saw the pictures.

What pictures?
You know what pictures.

Obviously I don't know
what pictures.

The pictures of you and francie
in the parking garage

talking about me.

Don't make that face at me.

What?
I'm wearing a mask.

The "I'm Rory.
Don't you want to pet me?" Face.

I know you've been meeting.

We haven't.
We met once...

aha! You admit it!

It wasn't what you think!

Brutus!

Paris, you have to listen to me.
Francie wanted to meet.

She said she wanted to call
a truce.

She took those pictures.
She's setting me up.

She's trying to manipulate you.

You think I don't know

when someone's trying to
manipulate me?

But it doesn't change the fact

that you met with her
behind my back.

I was trying to help you.
You were?

You mean,
in between betraying me.

And selling me out.
You were trying to help me?

Stop it!
Make me.

Come back here, gilmore!

Come back and fight like a man!

And the worst part is,
you told her about Jamie.

I can't believe I ever
considered you my best friend.

I still can't believe it.

I can't believe
I got sucked in like that.

That francie is pure evil,

so she'll probably wind up
president.

Paris is so upset. She totally
thinks I betrayed her.

She'll calm down.
Paris has never calmed down.

I can't believe I was
her best friend.

I-I feel awful.

If you want to
make things right,

just go back to school tomorrow
and let her stab you. Great idea.

I'm nothing if not full of suggestions.
Or full of something.

Hey, grandma.

Hi, mom.
Come in. It's cold.

Do you want me to talk to her...
arrange a sit-down?

No, thanks.
Come on!

We'll have it
in an Italian restaurant.

You'll get up, go
to the bathroom... thanks...

and come out shooting,
then I'll send you to Italy.

I do want to go to Italy.

Two birds with one stone,
my friend.

Is everything okay, mom?

Of course it's okay.
Why wouldn't it be okay?

I don't know.
You seem quiet.

Do I?
I guess I do.

I don't really have a lot
to say, actually.

I know.
Why don't I read to you instead?

What's that?
This? Nothing.

Just your deposition.
How did you get...

shh. Listen. It's fun.

Okay.

Question... "would you say your
mother is a tolerant woman?"

Oh, boy.

Answer... "um, well, sure."

What? I said you were.

You said "sure."
Which, to most people, means yes.

To most people it does, but
your "sure" is always sarcastic.

I do not have a sarcastic
"sure."

Do I?

Pick spot on carpet and stare.

Question... "why has your mother
dismissed maids in the past?"

Mom!
Answer... "different reasons."

That's true, right?

"Can you expand on that?"

Answer... "gee,
how much time do you have?"

Okay. See...
"if you guys have lunch

"or an afternoon squash game...

"you look like the kinda guys
who play squash...

"hey, why is it called squash?

"Is it something to do with the
fruit... or vegetable?

"Squash is a vegetable,
though, if you ask me,

"it's gross
no matter what you call it.

"Anyway, what I'm saying

is you might want to clear
your afternoon."

I was flustered.
He was using lawyer tricks.

By asking you to expand?
Now you pipe in?

Didn't I tell you this was important?
Yes, you did.

You couldn't find it
in your heart

to put aside your personal
antagonism toward me for one day

and help me out?
This is not fair.

I said a lot of nice things
about you.

Oh, really?

"Would you say your mother sets
impossible goals

"which people cannot help
but fail to reach,

"thereby reinforcing her
already-formed opinion

of their deficiencies?"

Answer...
"only for her daughter."

Okay, not there,
but keep flipping.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but
dinner is ready, Mrs. gilmore.

Dinner! Hey!
Dinner's ready!

Who's hungry besides me?

I'd keep it warm.
We're gonna be here awhile.

Okay. Go ahead.

"Would you call your mother
an extremely critical woman?

A long pause."

Why was there a long pause,
lorelai?

Because I was deliberately
trying to hurt you, mom.

"On a scale from one to ten,
what would you rate your mother

in terms of compassion
for other people's feelings?"

Want to guess what she said?

No, thank you.
Mom.

Hang on a second, lorelai.

I just want to skip
to the "Ben-hur" reference.

Yeah. I did.

Sookie, I'm home.

I got the...
surprise!

What is this?

I made you dinner.

It smells terrific.

Lamb chops with sicilian olives,
Rosemary, and garlic

and a warm
potato-and-chorizo salad.

I love lamb chops with sicilian
olives, Rosemary, and garlic

and a warm
potato-and-chorizo salad.

I know.

What's that?
Beef jerky.

You made beef jerky for me.

And there's corn bread

and fried marshmallow pie
for dessert!

And you have ccr on.
Well, you like ccr.

I know I like ccr.
You don't like ccr.

Sometimes I like ccr,
and tonight I like ccr.

You cheated on me!

No!
Oh, my God!

I just flirted...
accidentally!

Turn it off!
Let me explain!

Every time I hear it now

it'll remind me
my wife cheated on me!

Flirted! Accidentally!

You ruined creedence for me!

I'm going to bed.

At 9:30?

Going a whole day
without talking to anyone

is a lot more tiring.

I hate those girls.
It's fine.

It was the first lunch that
didn't start with a recitation

of the calorie content
of everything on the table,

it was kind of a relief.

I hate them anyhow.

Night.
Goodnight, babe.

Hello?

Lorelai?
It's Alex lesman.

We met at the learning center.

My friend accidentally asked
your friend on a date.

Um, right. Hi.

How are you?
Fat sal sends his love.

Right back at him.

You're probably wondering
how I got your number.

Information?

That would've been
far too logical.

I actually called your inn.

This French guy gave me
your home number.

Said I shouldn't worry
about calling late,

you usually stay up
till 3:00, 4:00.

Don't worry about him.
He's getting fired tomorrow.

So, what's up?

Well, I was wondering
something.

Uh-huh.

I like coffee shops,

try their coffee,
see what they're doing.

See if there's anything you can
steal and disguise as your own?

Exactly... kind of a low-rent
corporate espionage.

Anyway, sometimes
I'll hit two coffee shops

that have surprisingly
similar product,

and I cannot decide
which one is better.

Bummer.
Yes. Bummer.

I thought it would help to have
another person there

who'd help me make
these crucial evaluations.

Interesting solution
to a fascinating problem.

So I was wondering what you were
doing this Saturday.

It's funny you ask,
I happen to be

the world's foremost coffee experts.
Really?

It's basically just me and this
guy named chuckles in Brazil.

Sounds like fate.
So what do you say?

Sure.
Great.

To be on the safe side...
you know this is a date?

Oh, yeah. I got that.
Good.

You guys come up with a name
for your place yet?

Right now the top contender
is sludge.

Excuse me?
Moving on.

My partner likes regular Joe.

Then again, his name is Joe.

Oh. Fancy that.

So, still won't let go
of the mudhouse, huh?

'Fraid not.
What else you got?

Well, okay. How about
black liquid hope sold here?

See, now you're making
some progress.