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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,020 --> 00:00:03,859 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 2 00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:06,570 What, too soon? 3 00:00:10,990 --> 00:00:12,410 (EXCLAIMS) 4 00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:20,160 (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) 5 00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:22,999 (BELCHES) 6 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,139 (WORK WHISTLE BLOWS) 7 00:00:25,140 --> 00:00:26,380 Aah! 8 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,380 (SCANNER BEEPS) 9 00:00:35,807 --> 00:00:37,140 (TIRES SCREECH) 10 00:00:38,740 --> 00:00:39,920 D'oh! 11 00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:42,605 (GRUNTS) 12 00:00:45,441 --> 00:00:46,449 Avast there. 13 00:00:46,450 --> 00:00:48,940 It be too late to alter course, matey. 14 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,950 And there be pirates lurking in every cove. 15 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,000 Get to the ride. 16 00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:54,367 (ALL SCREAMING) 17 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:58,621 Did they get a picture? 18 00:01:05,295 --> 00:01:09,010 Welcome to our first-ever night of dramatic scenes 19 00:01:09,019 --> 00:01:11,133 written by our students. 20 00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:14,386 Should we silence our cell phones and pagers? 21 00:01:14,387 --> 00:01:15,979 No, no, no, please, I beg you, leave them on. 22 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:18,139 An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap. 23 00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:20,269 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) 24 00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:24,059 And now, an new scene from the CW's Riverdale. 25 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,809 (STUDENTS CHEER) 26 00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:29,039 Jughead, there's been a murder at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe 27 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,339 and it's up to us kids to solve it. 28 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,479 I can't deal with that right now. 29 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:36,242 My dad's in jail and the only way to get him out 30 00:01:36,243 --> 00:01:37,739 is to try drugs. 31 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:40,910 We're both pregnant with Big Moose's babies. 32 00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:47,179 Wait. So this is a play based on a YouTube 33 00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:49,519 of kids playing a video game? 34 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,879 - That's right. - (SCOFFS) It's about time. 35 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,639 Okay, to get their chug jugs, 36 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,919 I could snipe these guys out one by one, 37 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,019 but the smarter move is to plant a charge 38 00:01:58,020 --> 00:01:59,779 at the base of their attack platform 39 00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,599 and skull-splat 'em when they land. 40 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,989 Hey, guys, if you want more game hacks like this, 41 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,619 be sure to smash our like button 42 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,740 and subscribe to our channel. 43 00:02:07,744 --> 00:02:10,399 Up next, night vision fails. 44 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,799 How is this a play? 45 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,459 Well, sir, video game walk-throughs 46 00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,340 are the only narrative most of these kids 47 00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:16,360 have been exposed to. 48 00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,826 - This is their Becket. - BOTH: Who? 49 00:02:18,827 --> 00:02:20,989 Are you Terry Bradshaw? 50 00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:23,919 No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond. 51 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,333 Boner. Boner from Growing Pains. 52 00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:29,189 (DISTORTED): You're all wrong. My real identity is... 53 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,039 Flavor Flav! 54 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,539 Flavor Flav? I've heard of you. 55 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,419 I've heard of you so much. 56 00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:38,849 I am such a huge fan of your movies, books, or music. 57 00:02:38,850 --> 00:02:41,279 I can also pretend to be impressed. 58 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,519 ALL: The end. 59 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:43,726 (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 60 00:02:43,727 --> 00:02:46,319 Wake up. Lisa's next. 61 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,659 Oh, no, please. I'm having the best dream. 62 00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:52,439 I was in my warm, cozy grave. 63 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,919 Well, I'm gonna dream about me in a soft, cuddly crypt. 64 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,449 - Yeah... - Ah... 65 00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:02,419 Amazingly, this next piece is not based on something 66 00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:04,179 you watch on your phone or a gas pump, 67 00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:06,239 but is actually an honest-to-goodness play, 68 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,879 by Lisa "Thank God You're a Throwback" Simpson. 69 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,419 And so I give you 70 00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:13,299 Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer. 71 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,619 Where's my beer, Marjorie? 72 00:03:15,620 --> 00:03:19,959 I spent all day making sure this beer was cold. 73 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,339 Aah! I make bad choices. 74 00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:25,579 Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts. 75 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,601 (CHUCKLES) 76 00:03:26,602 --> 00:03:29,219 Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases 77 00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:32,060 are as outdated as my slingshot. 78 00:03:32,066 --> 00:03:33,483 Ay, caramba! 79 00:03:33,484 --> 00:03:36,739 Oh, Mom, it's so hard being a straight-A student 80 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:40,139 with a social conscience who writes amazing plays. 81 00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,599 The only stable thing in this house is you, 82 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,039 making every day the same as the last. 83 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,919 Exactly the same. 84 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,959 Like the coffee maker says, 85 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,739 things will perk up. 86 00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:53,079 I thought you were the coffee maker. 87 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,299 You can learn a lot from percolators. 88 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,091 Make the most of the daily grind. 89 00:03:58,092 --> 00:04:01,039 The mother character is such a snooze. 90 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,220 Ralph has nothing to play against. 91 00:04:03,222 --> 00:04:05,307 (GASPS) They think I'm boring. 92 00:04:05,308 --> 00:04:07,350 (GASPS) This play is about us! 93 00:04:07,351 --> 00:04:10,519 Today I decided to be a race car driver, 94 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,559 so I was, then I quit. 95 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,790 I also have exciting news. 96 00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:17,399 I converted four soap slivers 97 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,360 into practically a new bar. 98 00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:22,319 Is this how the world sees me... as a... 99 00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,640 How do the kids say lame-o these days? 100 00:04:24,650 --> 00:04:26,709 We say lame-o, you lame-o. 101 00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:29,879 Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost 102 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,460 belonging to the fog. 103 00:04:31,463 --> 00:04:33,980 And the fog was the ghost of the sea. 104 00:04:33,983 --> 00:04:35,649 Suck, suck. 105 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:39,120 (CHEERING) 106 00:04:39,137 --> 00:04:40,468 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 107 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,640 You really think I'm that boring? 108 00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:45,970 Lisa, you made someone feel sad, 109 00:04:45,977 --> 00:04:49,350 which is not what a drama about a family is supposed to do. 110 00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:51,119 Marge, could we get a picture? 111 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,900 Okay. 112 00:04:52,909 --> 00:04:55,059 - (YAWNS) - (SHUTTER CLICKS) 113 00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,442 _ 114 00:04:57,443 --> 00:04:58,840 So all the generations... 115 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,112 Boring. They think I'm boring. 116 00:05:01,113 --> 00:05:02,822 I'll show them who's boring. 117 00:05:02,823 --> 00:05:06,299 Now, this morning, Marge Simpson has insistently volunteered 118 00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,650 to read a passage. 119 00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:10,789 She says she's gonna bring her own spin to it. 120 00:05:10,790 --> 00:05:11,799 (HUMMING A TUNE) 121 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,830 Now, a reading from John, 18:38, 122 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:17,462 between Pontius Pilate and Jesus. 123 00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:18,964 (QUIETLY): Marge! Marge! Marge! 124 00:05:18,965 --> 00:05:20,879 (EXAGGERATED ITALIAN ACCENT): Hey-a Jesus, 125 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,119 what's a matter for you? 126 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,819 You saying youse a king? 127 00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:25,060 (NORMAL VOICE) He was Roman, 128 00:05:25,070 --> 00:05:27,180 that's why I'm doing the accent. 129 00:05:27,181 --> 00:05:29,015 (MAN COUGHS) 130 00:05:29,016 --> 00:05:32,959 Anyhoo, Jesus answered, and I think it might have gone 131 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,439 something like this. 132 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,780 (IMITATING JACKIE MASON): I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter. 133 00:05:36,787 --> 00:05:38,299 A Jewish carpenter. 134 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,879 The only thing I nail are my SATs. 135 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,560 So then, Pontius says to the elders, 136 00:05:43,570 --> 00:05:47,117 "This-a Jesus, he-a look like a nice-a guy." 137 00:05:47,118 --> 00:05:48,759 Nobody talk-a like-a that. 138 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,259 I make a nice-a sentence. 139 00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:52,619 Just like-a Mama used to construct. 140 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,599 - Oh... - Can we just hear 141 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,119 Lovejoy's sermon, please? 142 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,544 Yeah, Marge, read the room. 143 00:05:57,545 --> 00:05:59,213 Mm... 144 00:06:00,730 --> 00:06:03,260 You need this more than we do, lady. 145 00:06:13,978 --> 00:06:17,119 Boring. That's what this straight-A Girl Scout 146 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,980 has become... boring. 147 00:06:18,983 --> 00:06:21,459 (THUNDER CRASHES) 148 00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:23,659 (SCREAMING) 149 00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:26,099 (GASPS) You just had a near-death experience. 150 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,319 That's exciting. 151 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,280 Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom. 152 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,079 I'm going to bed. 153 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,579 That will really turn around your boring reputation. 154 00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,579 Shh. 155 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:42,340 (GRUNTING) 156 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,770 (SNORING) 157 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:02,460 (SIGHS) Don't worry, Homer, I'll chop the wood. 158 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:03,526 Like always. 159 00:07:03,527 --> 00:07:05,780 I have to do everything. (GRUNTS) 160 00:07:05,783 --> 00:07:07,197 Even chop the trees. 161 00:07:07,198 --> 00:07:09,819 (GRUNTING) 162 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,299 - Hyah! - Whoa! 163 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,710 - Hyah! - (CHUCKLES) 164 00:07:12,716 --> 00:07:14,579 Hyah! 165 00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:18,439 Mmm. I know where she can put that chopping to good use. 166 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,319 - Homer's neck? - No. 167 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,713 He doesn't have one. Something better. 168 00:07:24,540 --> 00:07:27,300 Lower your right hand. Gives you more power. 169 00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:29,649 Hmm. 170 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,319 Thanks, um... 171 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,139 Paula. Friend of Patty's. 172 00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,739 We met at Burning Woman. 173 00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,179 Nice job on that wood. 174 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,039 HOMER (WEAKLY): I helped. 175 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,579 Yeah, you helped, all right. 176 00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:41,669 You helped that hammock kiss the ground. 177 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,316 (WEAKLY): D'oh. 178 00:07:43,317 --> 00:07:44,980 Marge, I don't know if you know this, 179 00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:47,655 but I'm a top-level contender at Timbersports. 180 00:07:47,656 --> 00:07:49,219 That's so interesting. 181 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:51,658 How does it feel to be magnificent? 182 00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:52,742 I'll show you. 183 00:07:52,743 --> 00:07:55,829 ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ 184 00:07:55,830 --> 00:07:58,081 ♪ The ace of spades. ♪ 185 00:07:58,082 --> 00:08:00,834 (CHAIN SAW BUZZING) 186 00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:03,079 That is a fascinating hobby. 187 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,699 (SIGHS) Timbersports is more than a hobby. 188 00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:08,430 It's an unpaid passion that you do in your spare time. 189 00:08:08,438 --> 00:08:10,678 Now, we're going to the woods. 190 00:08:12,596 --> 00:08:14,439 (BREATHES DEEPLY) Ah. 191 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,299 - What are you doing? - Breathing. 192 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,602 Breathing for the first time in my life. 193 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,310 Ah. 194 00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,400 Can I do one thing 195 00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,029 for the knots in your shoulders? 196 00:08:26,030 --> 00:08:27,030 Sure. 197 00:08:27,031 --> 00:08:29,379 Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh! 198 00:08:29,380 --> 00:08:32,449 Not so... Oh. 199 00:08:32,450 --> 00:08:35,119 Now, to motivate your chopping, 200 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,449 think of things that make you mad. 201 00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:41,159 Oh, nothing really makes me mad. 202 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,519 Mom, Lisa won't stay on her side of the thought bubble. 203 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,709 (BOTH GRUNTING) 204 00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,640 You have five seconds to live. (GRUNTS) 205 00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:52,560 So do you, idiot. We're in the same bubble. 206 00:08:52,570 --> 00:08:54,387 My final words are Lisa sucks! 207 00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:56,139 (GRUNTING) 208 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:59,229 She's a natural. 209 00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:02,896 ♪ ♪ 210 00:09:02,897 --> 00:09:05,270 ♪ I walked into the forest ♪ 211 00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,779 ♪ So beautiful and green ♪ 212 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,990 ♪ And there I saw a woman ♪ 213 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,879 ♪ Who was chopping down a tree ♪ 214 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,099 ♪ The sawdust was flyin' ♪ 215 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,580 ♪ She was spinnin' on a log ♪ 216 00:09:17,582 --> 00:09:20,319 ♪ On her waist was strapped a tool belt ♪ 217 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,169 ♪ With a Black & Decker saw ♪ 218 00:09:23,170 --> 00:09:25,940 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 219 00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:28,510 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 220 00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:31,159 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 221 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,469 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 222 00:09:33,470 --> 00:09:36,199 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 223 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,619 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 224 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,310 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 225 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:45,270 ♪ With Lumberjill. ♪ 226 00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:49,530 Ooh, ooh... 227 00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:52,529 Ooh, ooh... 228 00:09:52,530 --> 00:09:55,060 _ 229 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,079 I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome 230 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,509 to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am. 231 00:10:02,510 --> 00:10:05,999 I'm here with former NBA analyst Anger Watkins. 232 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,499 Timbersports. Timber sports? 233 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:13,259 I snap one P.A.'s bra strap, and this is where I land? 234 00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,099 Who is the Lebron of this thing? No one will tell me. 235 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,779 His name is Matt Cogar. 236 00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:19,579 Is his nickname The Cougar? 237 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,540 No, his nickname is Matt. 238 00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:23,279 Matt isn't a nickname. 239 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,699 It's a name name. 240 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,759 (STAMMERS) I'd storm out of here right now 241 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,939 if I weren't so terrified of squirrels. 242 00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:30,520 Take my money! Take it! 243 00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:32,939 I'm glad Mom's found a passion, 244 00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:35,620 but I wish she didn't have to kill all those trees. 245 00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,719 I read that trees are the cause of global warming. 246 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,989 Where'd you read that? 247 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:41,639 My new fourth grade science book. 248 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,038 (GRUMBLES) 249 00:10:45,082 --> 00:10:46,416 (WHISTLES) 250 00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:49,079 (ALL GRUNTING) 251 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,719 And they're off, displaying lots of forest gumption, eh? 252 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,479 First we have Nelson Muntz. 253 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,679 He's ten years old, but, man, is it a hard ten. 254 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,010 (GRUNTING) 255 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,239 (SLURRING): Hey. That's my boy. 256 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,271 He gets his pole skills from his mama. 257 00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:15,419 Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead! 258 00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,258 No one saw this coming, 259 00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:19,320 because no one was watching. 260 00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:22,953 (STAMMERS) What could possibly be her motivation? 261 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,498 I'm not boring! 262 00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:30,376 (GROWLS) 263 00:11:30,377 --> 00:11:32,129 - Woo-hoo! - Yay! 264 00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:36,699 You magnificent she-beast. 265 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,840 All our sweaty passion 266 00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:40,929 and grunting paid off. 267 00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,439 Now's the time I should tell you. 268 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,139 Paula is gay. 269 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:46,601 Aw. She made a friend. 270 00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:49,020 You've made me a new woman. 271 00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,219 Oh. Should I be concerned? 272 00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:54,840 It's no weirder than that time our knees touched under the bar. 273 00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:56,499 You still think about that? 274 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,363 Every day. 275 00:11:58,364 --> 00:11:59,697 (HUMMING A TUNE) 276 00:11:59,698 --> 00:12:03,579 Aw. I haven't been this happy in a long time. 277 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:07,019 You were great, but I have a question. 278 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:08,819 Do you want to take it to the next level? 279 00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:09,879 What do you mean? 280 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,919 Will you ride the blade with me? 281 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,119 You know, help me bow the jagged-toothed fiddle? 282 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,539 I don't understand. 283 00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,549 Draw and drag the sequoia widow-maker. 284 00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:20,969 You're gonna have to tell me what you're talking about. 285 00:12:20,970 --> 00:12:24,555 Will you be my partner on the double-ended bucksaw? 286 00:12:24,556 --> 00:12:27,226 You really think that I have what it takes? 287 00:12:27,227 --> 00:12:28,619 I know you do. 288 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,699 But if we do this, 289 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,679 you'll have to train with me for a month, in Portland. 290 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,068 A month? Oh, no, I can't leave Homer that long. 291 00:12:37,069 --> 00:12:38,480 ♪ ♪ 292 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,379 (THUNDER CRASHES) 293 00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,320 (SCREAMING) 294 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,650 _ 295 00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:57,329 Oh. Fantasies can be good? 296 00:12:57,330 --> 00:12:59,979 (HUMMING A TUNE) 297 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,139 Good to have you back. 298 00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:03,879 (HUMMING) 299 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,439 (YAWNS) Boy, am I beat. 300 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,999 Homie, I feel like 301 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959 I'm my very best self in these competitions. 302 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,219 You are, honey. 303 00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:17,059 In a way I could never make you feel or comprehend. 304 00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,639 Paula wants me to train with her. 305 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,199 If I do, I'll be gone for a month. 306 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,903 A month? We've never been apart that long. 307 00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:25,659 I miss you when we're separated in a revolving door. 308 00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,979 I miss you when I'm putting a sweater over my head. 309 00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,560 I miss you when I close my eyes during a sneeze. 310 00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,199 I miss you when the clock springs ahead an hour. 311 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,000 We'll never get that time back. 312 00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,739 Homer, do you really want me to stay, 313 00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,959 knowing how much I need this 314 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,919 to feel good about myself? 315 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,479 Yes, I do. 316 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,379 - (GRUMBLES) - What? What? 317 00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,559 Where you going? 318 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,479 She might leave and never come back. 319 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,419 Just like the McRib. 320 00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:52,310 (CRYING) 321 00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:56,880 _ 322 00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:02,070 - _ - ♪ You feel it all ♪ 323 00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:04,739 ♪ Around yourself. ♪ 324 00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:05,749 _ 325 00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,242 - _ - (THUNDER CRASHES) 326 00:14:07,243 --> 00:14:09,730 _ 327 00:14:09,745 --> 00:14:10,749 _ 328 00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,059 Oh. I forgot to unlock the door. 329 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:15,079 God, how insulting to people. 330 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,399 So nervous about seeing your mother. 331 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,019 Let's just enjoy Portland. 332 00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:21,329 I mean, I can't believe we've never been here before. 333 00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:24,019 Indigenous artworks, craft breweries, 334 00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:25,519 independent movie theaters... 335 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,679 and that's just in one coffee shop. 336 00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,039 (GASPS) Comic Book Guy? 337 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,999 Yes, I often come here to recharge. 338 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,850 In Portland I'm quirky, rather than objectionable. 339 00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:39,274 Do you sell comic books here? 340 00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:42,039 No. Marijuana. And artisanal salami. 341 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,109 Laced with marijuana. 342 00:14:44,110 --> 00:14:47,366 (ACOUSTIC SIMPSONS THEME PLAYING) 343 00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:57,289 Stupid Flanders Street. 344 00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,120 Okay, this is where your mom is. 345 00:15:00,129 --> 00:15:01,399 Help me get her back. 346 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,200 Please help me get her back. 347 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,679 Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage. 348 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:08,840 (GROWLS) 349 00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:11,699 Dad, she's gonna know that's not your real hair. 350 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,779 You've got to have a modicum of faith in who you are. 351 00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,180 It's a snap. 352 00:15:17,441 --> 00:15:19,649 Cool. 353 00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:22,179 - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Welcome, new friend, 354 00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,359 whoever you are. 355 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,419 Homie! 356 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,071 You're here a day early. 357 00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:29,099 BOTH: Mom! 358 00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:32,699 Mm. Oh, I've missed you all so much. 359 00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,179 How are you guys? 360 00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,989 Oh! We were, of course, unraveling. 361 00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:40,399 Bart, Lisa, your grampa is taking good care of you. 362 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,880 - (MEOWS) - Now where's the baby? 363 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,840 Aw. Good girl. 364 00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:48,426 Um, I like what you're wearing. 365 00:15:48,427 --> 00:15:51,239 Thank you. These are locally-sourced dungarees 366 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,619 and Pendleton flannel. 367 00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:54,119 It's what Jill Sobule wore 368 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,979 when she played the Crystal Ballroom. 369 00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,919 (GASPS) Jill Sobule? 370 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,419 Like every other place we go, I love Portland. 371 00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,659 So much, I want to leave Springfield 372 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,559 until I find out something bad that makes me realize 373 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,199 that there's no place like home. 374 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,359 Now, now, your mother has not settled in here. 375 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,439 PAULA: Welcome. 376 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,453 These are our pugs: Nike and Swoosh. 377 00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:16,790 BOTH: Mwah. 378 00:16:17,873 --> 00:16:19,541 _ 379 00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:21,877 _ 380 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:34,889 Marjorie, could you and I have a word in the backyard? 381 00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,807 Don't you see what's happening here? 382 00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:39,699 - You're married. - Yes, I know. 383 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,779 - To you. - No, to her. Look around. 384 00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,619 You're married in the two most important ways there are: 385 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:48,059 emotionally and cooking. 386 00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:50,479 (CHUCKLES): Oh. That's ridiculous. 387 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,999 (QUIETLY): You're fostering pugs. 388 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,034 - They remind me of you. - Aw. 389 00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:58,039 But I am upset. I'm finally good at something 390 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,789 and you have to be jealous. 391 00:16:59,790 --> 00:17:02,219 Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you. 392 00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,760 I'm not jealous or mad. 393 00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:06,499 It's just... when are you coming home? 394 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,900 Tomorrow, after the competition. 395 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,900 Woo-hoo! I win. 396 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,220 - Not that I was nervous. - (PHONE VIBRATING) 397 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,549 _ 398 00:17:17,550 --> 00:17:20,199 Unless we win, in which case, 399 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,699 I might stay and prep for the finals. 400 00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,419 Marge, I've backed you in this from day one. 401 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,099 No, you haven't. Not a bit. 402 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,480 Then it's too late to start now. 403 00:17:34,825 --> 00:17:36,879 Oh, I'm sitting in a bar 404 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,699 and my wife's in love with a female lumberjack. 405 00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,699 Classic Portland. Where are you from? 406 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:42,859 Springfield. 407 00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,569 - Which one? Oregon? - I don't know. 408 00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,739 ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Grizzly Timbersports 409 00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:49,879 Northwest Championship Finals, 410 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,899 brought to you by no one. 411 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,093 Still looking. 412 00:17:54,428 --> 00:17:56,929 Marge and Paula are in control. 413 00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,307 I am falling in love with this sport. 414 00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:01,769 And when I fall, I fall hard. 415 00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:03,819 I'm taking you home with me. 416 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:05,105 (CHITTERS) 417 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,769 Hold the Stella, fella. 418 00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:11,319 Carol "Oak" Connor and Rachel "The Pine" Cohen 419 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,862 have taken command. 420 00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:15,039 ♪ ♪ 421 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,959 I can't be silent anymore. Let me through. 422 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,449 - Eh. - There's plenty of room. 423 00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:21,839 - Marge, I was a lumber-jerk. - (GRUNTING) 424 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,799 I'm only happy if you're happy. 425 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,799 Our love is like an old tree. 426 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,369 If you cut it down, it grows back stronger. 427 00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:31,199 (QUIETLY): Um, that's not how trees work. 428 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,119 Well, according to my book, it is. 429 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,470 _ 430 00:18:34,471 --> 00:18:36,010 (GRUNTING) 431 00:18:37,429 --> 00:18:40,179 - Yay! All right. - (CHEERING) 432 00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,159 I love this sport! 433 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,859 And maybe now I can love my lumberjack son. 434 00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,689 (CRYING) 435 00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:50,179 Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion 436 00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:53,899 and winner of a Bass Pro Shops $50 gift card, 437 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,159 Marge Simpson. 438 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,820 - (EXCLAIMS) - All right, champ! 439 00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,199 See you in the showers. 440 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,199 Congratulations, Paula. 441 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,529 You won. Enjoy the hell out of her. 442 00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:08,539 Homer, what is it you think that I've won? 443 00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:10,479 With me, Marge is a good woman. 444 00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,499 With you, Marge is a great woman 445 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:13,882 with two awesome dogs. 446 00:19:13,883 --> 00:19:15,919 I'm not interested in Marge. 447 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,799 - I have a wife and a kid. - You have a wife? 448 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,939 She's in Tokyo, training for the Olympics. 449 00:19:20,940 --> 00:19:24,499 She dances... with the ribbons? 450 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,579 I don't know what it's called. 451 00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,719 So you're not breaking us up? 452 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,799 No. I mean, I'll miss her on the other end of the bucksaw, 453 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,179 and I'll really miss that $80 grand prize money, 454 00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:37,071 but she's welcome to come up here and train any time. 455 00:19:37,072 --> 00:19:40,099 I am so grateful. I want to do something for you. 456 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,359 If you'd like another kid, 457 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,039 I am more than happy to offer up my sperm. 458 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,079 That's very kind, but... 459 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,279 No really, I've always wanted to have a kid 460 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,079 with no responsibilities. 461 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,919 All right. You're in the top three. 462 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,756 It's you, the track star or the Harvard professor. 463 00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:56,139 Oh, I get it. 464 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,199 Instead of sperm, would you like semen? 465 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,139 - They're the same thing. - They are? Uh-oh. 466 00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:03,499 Oh, it still feels weird. 467 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,959 I don't know what to say to her. 468 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,419 (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) 469 00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:09,059 I never would've thought of that. 470 00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,399 Honey, would you like to come home? 471 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,700 Aw. Okay. 472 00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,519 Your daddy loves you, sweetie. 473 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,739 He wants to make sure 474 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,616 you're always a strong, confident little lady. 475 00:20:22,617 --> 00:20:25,030 So I went out and got you this. 476 00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,860 Mwah. 477 00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:30,749 (BUZZES) 478 00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:33,899 Aw, her baby head fell out. 479 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,100 You'll be getting a visit from the Head Fairy. 480 00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,386 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 481 00:20:41,387 --> 00:20:44,659 ♪ I walked out of the forest ♪ 482 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,099 ♪ Before we said goodbye ♪ 483 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,239 ♪ The birds were all a-singing ♪ 484 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,679 ♪ As she pointed to the sky ♪ 485 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,659 ♪ She said, "Can't you see the rainbow? ♪ 486 00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:57,029 ♪ They made it just for you" ♪ 487 00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:59,359 ♪ She handed me her toolbox ♪ 488 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,069 ♪ Said, "Now you know what to do" ♪ 489 00:21:02,070 --> 00:21:05,159 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 490 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,659 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 491 00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:10,331 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 492 00:21:10,332 --> 00:21:12,809 ♪ With Lumberjill ♪ 493 00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:15,319 ♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪ 494 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,879 ♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪ 495 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,819 ♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪ 496 00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:24,090 ♪ With Lumberjill. ♪ 34963

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