All language subtitles for Some.Like.It.Hot.1959.1080p.BluRay.x264- YTS.AM SubtitleTools.com

All right, Charlie.

- That the joint?
- Yes, sir.

- Who runs it?
- I already told you.

- Refresh my memory.
- Spats Colombo.

That's very refreshing.
What's the password?

"I come to Grandma's funeral."

- Here's your admission card.
- Thanks, Charlie.

Now, if you want a ringside table,
just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.

- Okay, Charlie.
- We're all set. When's the kickoff?

Look, Chief, I better blow, 'cause if Colombo
sees me, it's gonna be good-bye, Charlie.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Give me five minutes.
Then hit 'em with everything you got.

You betcha.

Good evening, sir.
I'm Mr. Mozarella.

- What can I do for you?
- I come to the old lady's funeral.

I don't believe I've ever seen you
at our services before.

- That's because I've been on the wagon.
- Please!

Where they having the wake?
I'm supposed to be one of the pallbearers.

Show the gentleman into the chapel.
Pew number three.

Yes, Mr. Mozarella. This way, sir.

Well, if you gotta go,
that's the way to do it.

Follow me, please.

- What'll it be, sir?
- Booze.

- Sorry, sir, we only serve coffee.
- Coffee?

Scotch coffee, Canadian coffee,
sour mash coffee.

Scotch. Make it a demitasse,
with soda on the side.

Wait a minute.

Haven't you got another pew,
not so close to the band?

How about that one over there?

Sorry, sir, but that's reserved
for members of the immediate family.

Oops.

Hey! Hey!
I want another cup of coffee!

I want another cup of coffee!

Better bring a check
in case the joint is raided.

- Who's gonna raid a funeral?
- Some people got no respect for the dead.

Say, Joe, tonight's the night, isn't it?

- I'll say.
- What? No, tonight's the night we get paid.

- That's good.
- Why?

I lost a filling in one of my back teeth.

- I gotta see a dentist tomorrow.
- Dentist?

We been out of work for four months, you want
to blow your first week's pay on your teeth?

What? It's just a filling.
It doesn't have to be gold.

"It doesn't have to be gold."
How can you be so selfish?

We owe back rent.
We're in for $89 to Moe's Delicatessen.

Three Chinese lawyers are suing us
because our check bounced at the laundry.

We've borrowed money
from every girl in the line.

- You're right.
- Well, of course I'm right.

First thing tomorrow, we'll pay everybody
a little somethin' on account.

- Oh, no, we don't.
- We don't?

First thing tomorrow we go out to the dog track
and put the whole bundle on Greased Lightning.

Greased Lightning?
You're gonna bet my money on a dog?

He's a shoo-in.
I got it from Max the waiter.

His brother-in-law is the electrician
that wires the rabbit.

- What are you giving me with a rabbit!
- Look at the odds. He's ten-to-one.

- Tomorrow, we'll pay everybody.
- Suppose he loses.

What are you worried about?
This job is gonna last a long time.

Suppose it doesn't.

Jerry boy, why do you have to
paint everything so black?

- Oh!
- Suppose you got hit by a truck.

Suppose the stock market crashes.

Suppose Mary Pickford
divorces Douglas Fairbanks.

Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn.

- Joe.
- Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.

Well, don't look now,
but the whole town is under water.

Four...

three...

two...

one.

Oh! Oh!

All right, everybody! This is a raid.

I'm a federal agent!
You're all under arrest!

I want another cup of coffee!

All right, Spats. Services are over.

- Let's go.
- Go where?

A little country club
we run for retired bootleggers.

I'm puttin' your name up
for membership.

- I don't join nothin'.
- Oh, you'll like it there.

I'll get the prison tailor to fit you
with a pair of special spats, striped.

Big joke. What's the rap this time?

Embalming people with coffee...

86 proof.

Me? I'm just a customer here.

Oh, come on, Spats.

We know you own the joint.
Mozarella's just frontin' for you.

Mozarella?

- Never heard of him.
- We got different information.

From who? Toothpick Charlie, maybe?

Toothpick Charlie? Never heard of him.

Buttermilk.

Too smart to drink your own stuff, huh?

Come on. On your feet.

You're just wastin' the taxpayers' money.

Call your lawyer if you wanna.

These are my lawyers.

All Harvard men.

Outside.

I want another cup of coffee!

I want another cup of coffee!

Get over there!

Get over there, will ya!

Get goin'. Come on!

Well, that solves one problem.

Now we don't have to worry about
who we're gonna pay first.

- Quiet. I'm thinking.
- Of course the landlady's gonna lock us out.

Moe down at the delicatessen,
no more knockwurst on credit.

We can't borrow from the girls
because they're on the way to jail.

- Shut up.
- And we're...

I wonder how much Sam the bookie
will give us for our overcoats.

Sam the bookie?

Nothing doing! You're not gonna put
my overcoat on a dog. Oh, you...

Look, Jerry, I told you it's a sure thing.

We will freeze.

It is below zero. We'll get pneumonia.

Look, stupid, he's ten-to-one.
Tomorrow, we'll have 20 overcoats.

Joe...

Greased Lightning!

Oh, why do I listen to you?
I oughta have my head examined.

I thought you weren't talking to me.

Look at the bull fiddle!
It's dressed warmer than I am!

- Anything today?
- Nothing.

Thank you.

Anything today?

- Nothing.
- Thank you.

I can't go on, Joe.

I'm weak from hunger,
I'm running a fever, I got a hole in my shoe.

If you gave me a chance,
we could be living like kings.

- Oh? How?
- There's a dog running in the third.

- His name is Galloping Ghost.
- Oh, no.

Oh, yes. He's 15-to-1, and it's
his kind of a track. He's a real mudder.

What do you want from me,
my head on a plate?

No, just your bass. If we hocked that
and my sax, we could get at least...

Are you out of your mind? We're up the creek
and you want to hock the paddle.

All right, go ahead and starve.
What do I care? Freeze!

Anything today?

Oh, it's you.

- Well, you got a lot of nerve.
- Thank you.

Joe! Come back here!

Mm-hmm.

Now, Nellie baby, if it's about Saturday night,
I can explain everything.

What a heel.

I spend four dollars to get my hair marcelled,
I buy me a brand-new negligee,

I bake him a great big pizza pie,
and where were you?

Where were you?

- With you.
- Me?

Don't you remember?
You had this bad tooth.

It was all impacted,
and his jaw was all swole out.

It was? Oh, yeah, was it ever.

I had to take him to the hospital
and give him a blood transfusion. Right?

- Right. We have the same type blood.
- Type "O."

- "O"?
- Oh?

Nellie baby, I'll make it up to you.

You're makin' it up
pretty good so far.

As soon as we get a job, I'm gonna take you
to the swellest restaurant in town.

How about it, Nellie?

Has Poliakoff got anything for us?
We're desperate.

Well, it just so happens
he is looking for a bass.

And a sax.

Right?

Right.

- What's the job?
- Three weeks in Florida.

- Florida!
- At the Seminole-Ritz in Miami.

Transportation and expenses all paid.

Isn't she a bit of terrific?

- Come on. Let's see Poliakoff.
- Yeah.

Hold on.
He's got some people in there with him.

- You'll have to wait, boys.
- All right, we'll wait.

Look, Gladys, it's three weeks in Florida.

Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators.

They need a couple of girls
on sax and bass.

What do you mean, "Who is it?"
It's Poliakoff. I got a job for you.

Gladys, are you there?

Gladys!

Meshuggener.

Played 112 hours at a marathon dance.

- Now she's in bed with a nervous collapse.
- Tell her to move over.

What about Cora Jackson?

The last I heard of her,
she was playing with a "Salivation" Army act.

Drexel-9044.

Oh, those idiot broads.

Here we are, already packed,
ready to leave for Miami.

And what happens?

The saxophone runs off
with a Bible salesman,

and the bass fiddle
gets herself pregnant.

Bienstock, I oughta fire you!

Me? I'm the manager of the band,
not the night watchman.

Hello. Let me talk to Bessie Malone.

What's she doing in Philadelphia?

On the level?

Bessie let her hair grow.
Now she's playing with Stokowski.

Black Bottom Bessie?

Spielt sich mit der Philharmonie!

How about Rosemary Schultz?

She slashed her wrists
when Valentino died.

Well, we might as well all slash our wrists
unless we round up two dames by this evening.

Look, Sig, you know
the kind of girls we need.

We don't care where you find them.
Just get them on that train by eight o'clock.

Be nonchalant. Trust Poliakoff.

The moment anything turns up,
I'll give you a little jingle.

Bye, Sig. I wonder if I got room
for another ulcer.

Nellie, get me long distance.

- Look, Sig, we want to talk to you.
- What is it?

- It's about the Florida job.
- The Florida job?

- Mm-hmm. Nellie told us all about it.
- We're not too late, are we?

What are you, a couple of comedians?
Get outta here.

Long distance? Get me
the William Morris Agency in New York.

- Well, you need a bass and a sax, don't you?
- The instruments are right, but you're not.

- I want to speak to Mr. Morris.
- Wait a minute. What's wrong with us?

You're the wrong shape. Good-bye!

The wrong shape? What are you looking for,
hunchbacks or something?

- It's not the backs that worry me.
- What kind of a band is it anyway?

- You gotta be under 25.
- We could pass for that.

- You gotta be blonde.
- We could dye our hair.

- And you gotta be girls!
- We could...

No, we couldn't.

- Mr. William Morris.
- You mean this is a girl's band?

Yeah. That's what he means.
Good old Nellie. I could wring her neck.

- I'm holding on.
- Let's talk this thing over.

Why couldn't we do it, huh?

Last year when we worked in the Gypsy tearoom,
we wore gold earrings, didn't we?

Remember when you booked us
with the Hawaiian band? We wore grass skirts.

- What's with him? He drinks?
- No. But he ain't been eatin' so good either.

He's got an empty stomach
and it's gone to his head.

Joe, this is three weeks in Florida.

We could borrow some clothes
from the girls in the chorus.

- You've flipped your wig.
- Now you're talking. Now he is talking!

We get a couple of secondhand wigs,
a little padding here and there,

we call ourselves
Josephine and Geraldine!

- Josephine and Geraldine.
- Yeah.

- Come on!
- B-But...

Look, if you boys want to
pick up a little money tonight,

at the University of Illinois they're having,
you should pardon the expression,

a Saint Valentine's dance.

- We'll take it.
- You got it. Six dollars a man.

Be on the campus in Urbana at eight o'clock.

All the way to Urbana
for a one-night stand?

It's $12. We can get
one of the overcoats out of hock.

Hello, Mr. Morris?
This is Poliakoff in Chicago.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have a couple
of girl musicians available, would you?

A sax player and a bass?

Look, if William Morris
doesn't come through...

Come on, Geraldine.

It's a hundred miles, it's snowing outside.
Now, how are we gonna get there?

- I'll think of something.
- You'll think... Like what?

- Don't crowd me.
- "Don't crowd me. Don't crowd me."

How'd it go, girls?

Oh, you... I oughta wring your neck.

Please, Jerry!
That's no way to talk.

Nellie baby, what are you doing tonight?

Tonight? Why?

'Cause I've got some plans.

I'm not doing anything.

Really?

I just thought I'd go home
and have some cold pizza.

Then you'll be in all evening?

Yes, Joe.

Good!
Then you won't be needing your car.

My car? Why, you...

Isn't he a bit of terrific?

We could've had three weeks in Florida,
all expenses paid.

Lyin' in the sun, palm trees, flyin' fish.

Knock it off, will ya?

Possible straight, possible nothing,
and a pair of eights.

- All right, drop 'em, you guys.
- Yeah? Well, drop what?

- We came for a car.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Nellie Weinmeyer's car.

Musicians. Wise guys.

Okay, let's go. Aces bet.

It's a '25 Hupmobile.
Green coupe, sir.

- It's over here.
- Over here.

- Want some gas?
- Uh, yeah.

About, uh, 40 cents worth, please.

- Put it on Miss Weinmeyer's bill?
- Uh, yeah, why not?

And while you're at it, fill it up.

All right, everybody, hands up!

Face the wall!

You too, Toothpick.

Come on!

Come on.

Hey.

Join us.

Okay, boss.

Hello, Charlie. Long time no see.

What is it, Spats?
What are you doing here?

I just dropped in to pay my respects.

- You don't owe me no nothin'.
- I wouldn't say that.

You were nice enough to recommend
my mortuary to some of your friends.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Now I got all those coffins on my hands
and I hate to see 'em go to waste.

Honest, Spats.
I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, too bad, Charlie.

You would've had three eights.

Good-bye, Charlie.

No, Spats, no! No, Spats!
Please, no, n...

I think I'm gonna be sick.

All right, come on out of there.

Come on.

Come on!

We di... We didn't see anything.
Did we?

- What? No. Nothing. No.
- See?

Besides, it's none of our business if you guys
want to bump each other off. We don't...

Say, don't I know you two
from somewhere?

Oh, no. No.
We're just a couple of musicians.

W-We came to pick up a car.
Nellie Weinmeyer's car.

There's a dance tonight.

- Come on, Jerry.
- Wait a minute.

- Where do you think you're going?
- Urbana.

I-It's about a hundred miles from here,
so don't...

You're not goin' nowhere.

We're not?

- I don't like no witnesses.
- We won't breathe a word.

You won't breathe nothin'.

Not even air.

Wh...

All right, boys, let's blow out of here.
We'll take care of those guys later.

I think they got me.
I think they got me.

They got the bull fiddle.

- No blood?
- If they catch us, there'll be blood all over.

Type "O." Come on.

- Joe, where are you running?
- As far away as possible.

That's not far enough.
You don't know those guys.

They know us.
Every hood in Chicago's gonna be after us, Joe.

- Quick, give me a nickel.
- What?

- Give me a nickel.
- All right.

Here... Oh.
You're gonna call the police, huh?

Police? We'd never live to testify.
Not against Spats Colombo.

Wabash 1098.

Joe, we gotta get out of town.
Maybe we should grow beards.

We are getting out of town,
but we're gonna shave.

Shave? At a time like this?

Those guys got machine guns ready
to blast our heads off, you want to shave.

- Shave our legs, stupid.
- Shave our legs? Wh...

Hello? Mr. Poliakoff?

I understand you're looking
for a couple of girl musicians.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Florida Limited leaving
on track one for Washington, Charleston,

Savannah, Jacksonville, and Miami.

All aboard. All aboard.

Ow!

- What's the matter now?
- How do they walk in these things? Huh?

- How do they keep their balance?
- Must be the way the weight is distributed.

Now, come on.

It is so drafty.

They must be catching cold
all the time.

Will you quit stalling.
We're gonna miss the train.

I feel naked.
I feel like everybody's staring at me.

With those legs? Are you crazy?
Now, come on.

Uh-oh.

It's no use.
We're not gonna get away with it, Joe.

The name is Josephine,
and this was your idea in the first place.

Look at that.

Look how she moves.

That's just like Jell-O on springs.

Must have some sort of
built-in motor or something.

I tell you, it's a whole different sex!

What are you afraid of?
Nobody's asking you to have a baby.

This is just to get us out of town. Once we
get to Florida, we'll blow this whole setup.

This time I am not gonna let you
talk me into something that...

Extra! Extra! Seven slaughtered
in north side garage!

Feared bloody aftermath!
Extra! Extra!

You talked me into it.
Let's go, Josephine.

Attagirl, Geraldine.

- Rosella?
- Fiddle.

- Move along, Dolores, will ya.
- Trombone.

- Hey, Olga, how's your back?
- Trumpet.

Uh, well, here we are.

Are you two
from the Poliakoff Agency?

- Yes, we're the new girls.
- Brand-new.

- This is our manager, Mr. Bienstock.
- How do you do?

And I'm Sweet Sue.

My name is Josephine.

- I'm Daphne.
- Hmm?

Saxophone, bass.
Am I glad to see you girls.

- You saved our lives.
- Likewise, I'm sure.

Where did you girls play before?

Here, there and around and, uh...

We spent three years at
the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.

- Hmm?
- All aboard!

You're in berths 7 and 7-A.

7 and 7-A.

- Thanks ever so.
- You're welcome.

Oh, the feeling's mutual.

- Upsy-daisy.
- Fresh.

Looks like Poliakoff came through
with a couple of real ladies.

You better tell the other girls
to watch their language.

Daphne?

Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.

Hi!

I'm the bass fiddle.
Just call me Daphne.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- My name is Josephine. Sax.
- Hi!

- Welcome to No Man's Land.
- Oh, thank you!

You'll be sorry!

- Take off your corsets and spread out.
- Oh, well, I don't wear one myself.

- Don't you bulge?
- Huh? Bulge? Me?

I have the most divine seamstress.
Comes in just once a month.

- Well, my dear, she is so inexpensive.
- Come on, Daphne.

Oh, all right.

Say, kids, have you heard the one
about the girl tuba player

who was stranded on a desert island
with a one-legged jockey?

- No. How's it go?
- Cut it out, girls.

None of that rough talk.

They went to a conservatory.

"They went to a conservatory."

How about that talent, huh?

It's like fallin' into a tub of butter.

Watch it, Daphne.

When I was a kid, Joe,
I used to have a dream

where I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop,
and there was goodies all around.

There was jelly rolls and mocha éclairs

and sponge cake and Boston cream pie
and cherry tarts...

- Look, stupe. Listen to me.
- Huh?

No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet.

Oh, yeah. Well, sure, Joe.

Not there!
That's the emergency brake.

Now you've done it.
Now you have done it.

- Done what?
- You tore off one of my chests.

- Well, you better go get it fixed.
- Well, you better come help me.

This way, Daphne.

Now you tore the other one.

We're terribly sorry.

It's okay.
I was scared it was Sweet Sue.

- You won't tell anybody, will you?
- Tell what?

Well, if they catch me once more,
they're gonna kick me out of the band.

You the replacement for the bass and sax?

That's us. And I'm Daphne.

Uh, this is, uh, uh, Jo... sephine.

Come here. Come here.

- I'm Sugar Cane.
- Hi.

- Sugar Cane?
- Yeah. I changed it.

- It used to be Sugar Kowalczyk.
- Polish?

Yes. I come from this musical family.

My mother is a piano teacher.
My father was a conductor.

- Where did he conduct?
- On the Baltimore and Ohio.

Oh.

I play the ukulele. And I sing too.

Sings too!

Well, I don't have much of a voice,
but then this isn't much of a band either.

I'm only with 'em because I'm running away.

- Running away from what?
- Oh, don't get me started on that.

- Here. You want some? It's bourbon.
- Oh.

I'll take a rain check.

I don't want you to think I'm a drinker.
I can stop anytime I want to.

Only I don't want to.
Especially when I'm blue.

- We understand.
- All the girls drink.

It's just that I'm the one that gets caught.
Story of my life.

I always get the fuzzy end
of the lollipop.

Are my seams straight?

I'll say.

- Well, see you around, girls.
- Bye, Sugar.

We have been playing
with the wrong bands.

- Down, Daphne.
- Whew!

How about the shape
of that liquor cabinet, huh?

Forget it. One false move,
and they'll toss us off the train.

Then there'll be the police, the papers,
and the mob in Chicago.

Mmm, boy, would I love to
borrow a cup of that Sugar.

Look.

No pastry, no butter, and no Sugar.

Well, you tore 'em again.

Hey, Sheboygan! You too.

What was your last job,
playing square dances?

No. Funerals.

Well, would you mind rejoining the living?
Goose it up a little.

We'll try.

How did those holes get there?

Uh, those?

I don't know.

Mice?

All right, girls.
Let's take it from the top.

And put a little heat under it!

Yeah!

Come on!

? Running wild ?

? Lost control ?

? Running wild ?

? Mighty bold ?

? Feeling gay ?

? Reckless too ?

? Carefree mind all the time
Never blue ?

? Always going ?

? Don't know where ?

? Always showing ?

? I don't care ?

? Don't love nobody ?

? It's not worthwhile ?

? All alone ?

? Running wild ?

Bienstock!

Yes, Sue. What is it?

I thought I made it perfectly clear
that I don't want any drinking in this outfit.

All right, girls.
Who does this belong to?

Come on now. Speak up.

Sugar, I warned you.

- Please, Mr. Bienstock.
- This is the last straw.

In Kansas City you were smuggling liquor
in a shampoo bottle.

Before that, I caught you
with a pint in your ukulele.

Excuse me. Mr. Bienstock,
could I have my flask, please?

- Sure.
- Pack your things. The next station we c...

- Your flask?
- Yes. Just a little bourbon.

Must've slipped through.

Give me that.

Didn't you girls say
you went to a conservatory?

Oh, yes. For a whole year.

I thought you said three years.

We got time off for good behavior.

There are two things that I will not
put up with during working hours.

One is liquor,
and the other one is men.

Men?

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

We wouldn't be caught dead with men.

Rough, hairy beasts with eight hands.

And they... they all just want
one thing from a girl.

I beg your pardon, miss.

All right, girls.
From the top again.

- Hortense, good night.
- Good night, Daphne.

- Maude, sweet dreams and pleasant thoughts.
- Good night, Daphne.

- Good night, Gloria.
- Good night, Daphne.

- Dolores, dear, you sleep tight.
- You hear?

Nighty-night, Emily.

Toodle-oo.

How about that "toodle-oo"?

Steady, boy.

Just keep telling yourself you're a girl.

- I'm a girl. I'm a girl.
- You're a girl. You're a girl.

I'm a girl. I-I'm a girl.

I'm a girl. I'm a...

Hi.

Get a load of that rhythm section.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

I'm a girl.

I'm a girl.

Good night, Sugar!

Good night, honey.

"Honey." Hey, she called me "honey."

Ooh, honey.

Hey, what are you doin'?

I just wanna make sure
that Honey stays in her hive.

There'll be no buzzin' around tonight.

Supposin' I got to go.
Like, for a drink of water or somethin'.

Fight it.

Well, suppose I lose.
Suppose it's an emergency.

Pull the emergency brake.

Hey, Bienstock.

There's somethin' funny
about those new girls.

Funny? In what way?

Well, I don't know,
but I can feel it right here.

That's one thing about an ulcer. It's like
having a burglar alarm go off inside you.

All right, Sue. You watch your ulcers.
I'll watch those two.

Okay. Everybody settle down
and go to bed. Good night, girls.

Good night, Daphne.

Good night, Josephine.

I'm a girl.

I'm a girl.

I wish I were dead.

I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl.

I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl,
I'm a girl, I'm a girl.

Daphne.

Daphne.

Sugar!

I wanted to thank you
for covering up for me.

You're a real pal.

Oh, it's nothing.

I, uh... I-I just thought
that us girls should stick together.

If it wasn't for you,
they would have kicked me off the train.

I'd be out in the middle of nowhere,
sitting on my ukulele.

Oh! It's freezing outside!

I mean, when I think about
you and your poor ukulele...

If there's ever anything
I can do for you...

I can think of a million things.

- That's one of 'em.
- Shh.

- Huh?
- Sweet Sue.

Mm-hmm.

I don't want her to know
we're in cahoots.

Oh, well, we won't tell anybody.

Not even Josephine.

Maybe I'd better stay here
till she goes back to sleep.

You stay here as long as you like.

I'm not crowding you, am I?

No. It's nice and cozy.

When I was a little girl,
on cold nights like this,

I used to crawl into bed with my sister.

We'd cuddle up under the covers
and pretend we were lost in a dark cave

and were trying to find our way out.

That's very interesting.

- Anything wrong?
- No, no, no.

Not a thing.

You poor thing. You're trembling all over.

That's ridiculous.

- Your head's hot.
- That's ridiculous.

You've got cold feet.

- Isn't that ridiculous?
- Here. Let me warm them up a little.

There.

- Isn't that better?
- Yes.

I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl.

- What'd you say?
- I'm a very sick girl.

Oh, I'd better go
before I catch something.

- I'm not that sick.
- I've got very low resistance.

Sugar, if you feel that you're
coming down with something, my dear,

the best thing in the world
is a shot of whiskey.

- You've got some?
- I know where to get it.

Don't move. Shh.

- Hold on.
- Okay.

Up. Up. Now.

Are you all right?

- I'm fine.
- How's the bottle?

Half full.

- You better get some cups.
- Cups?

Oh, I tell you, my dear,
this is the only way to travel.

You better put on the lights.
I can't see what I'm doing.

No lights. We don't want them
to know we're having a party.

- But I might spill some.
- So spill it.

Spills, thrills, laughs, and games.

This may even turn out to be
a surprise party.

- What's the surprise?
- Uh-huh. Not yet.

- When?
- Better have a drink first.

- That'll put hair on your chest.
- No fair guessing.

This a private clambake,
or can anybody join?

Yes, it's private.
Please, go away.

Dolores, do you still have
that bottle of vermouth?

- Sure.
- Who needs vermouth?

We've got bourbon.
We could make manhattans.

- Okay.
- Manhattans? At this time of night?

- Bring the cocktail shaker.
- Oh, Sugar!

You're gonna spoil my surprise.

- Hey, honey, what's up?
- Party in Upper 7.

A party?
I'll get some cheese and crackers.

- I'll get a cocktail shaker, you get a corkscrew.
- Okay.

- Hey, Rosella, there's a party in Upper 7.
- Yeah?

- You got a corkscrew?
- No. But Stella has.

- Well, go get some paper cups.
- Okay.

- Hey, there's a party in Upper 7.
- Party in Upper 7.

Party in Upper 7!

- Here's the vermouth.
- This is a private party. Please go away.

I brought some cheese and crackers
in case anybody gets hungry.

- What is this?
- Will ten cups be enough?

A party for two! Two!
Ten cups? What is...

Please, girls. Please stop this.

- Could you use some Southern Comfort?
- Southern Com... Shh!

Girls, you're gonna wake up
the neighbors downstairs... Josephine.

Watch that corkscrew!

- Here's a cracker.
- Will you... No crackers in bed!

Will you girls go away
and form your own party?

Here's the cocktail shaker.

I wish we had some ice.

Hey, easy on the vermouth.

Thirteen girls in a berth. It's bad luck.

- Twelve of you will have to get out.
- Pass me the peanut butter.

- Anyone for salami?
- Mmm!

No more food.
I'll have ants in the morning.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- Have you got any maraschino cherries on you?
- Mmm?

Oh, never mind.

Maraschino cherries?

What's going on here?

Daphne.

Daphne, where are you? Daphne!

It's not my fault. I didn't invite them.

Come on, girls. Break it up.

All right, you heard Josephine.

Girls. Everybody out.
Everybody out!

- Not you, Sugar.
- I'm just going to get some ice.

Get out! Get out!

That's right, Sugar.
All right, now the rest of you. Out.

- Aw, don't be a flat tire.
- Shh!

- Come on in. The water's fine.
- Have a manhattan.

- Pipe down. We'll all be fired.
- Sugar, don't leave me here alone.

Come on, please.
Give up, will ya.

It's two o'clock.
You've had your fun. The party's over.

Everybody go home.

- What's this?
- Josephine. Over here, before it melts.

Sugar!

Put it here.

Sugar, you're gonna get yourself
into a lot of trouble.

- Yeah. You better keep a lookout.
- If Bienstock catches you again...

What's the matter with you anyway?

I'm not very bright, I guess.

I wouldn't say that.

- Careless, maybe.
- No, just dumb.

If I had any brains, I wouldn't be on
this crummy train with this crummy girls' band.

Well, why'd you take this job?

I use to sing with male bands,
but I can't afford it anymore.

Have you ever been with a male band?

- Who? Me?
- That's what I'm running away from.

I worked with six different ones
in the last two years. Oh, brother.

- Rough?
- I'll say.

- You can't trust those guys.
- I can't trust myself.

I have this thing about saxophone players.

Especially tenor sax.

Really?

I don't know what it is,
but they just curdle me.

All they have to do is play eight bars
of "Come to Me, My Melancholy Baby"

and my spine turns to custard.

I get goose-pimply all over,
and I come to 'em.

- That so?
- Every time.

You know, I play tenor sax.

- But you're a girl, thank goodness.
- Oh. Yeah.

That's why I joined this band.
Safety first.

Anything to get away from those bums.

Yeah.

You don't know what they're like.

You fall for 'em, you really love 'em.

You think this is gonna be
the biggest thing since the Graf Zeppelin.

The next thing you know,
they're borrowing money from you,

they're spending it on other dames
and betting on horses.

You don't say.

Then one morning you wake up,
the guy's gone, the saxophone's gone.

All that's left behind is a pair of old socks
and a tube of toothpaste, all squeezed out.

So you pull yourself together,

you go on to the next job,
the next saxophone player.

It's the same thing all over again.

You see what I mean?

Not very bright.

Brains aren't everything.

I can tell you one thing.
It's not gonna happen to me again, ever.

I'm tired of getting
the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Ice. What's keeping the ice?
The natives are getting restless.

- How about a couple of drinks for us? Hmm?
- Sure.

- You know, I'm gonna be 25 in June.
- You are?

That's a quarter of a century.
Makes a girl think.

- About what?
- About the future.

You know, like a husband.
That's why I'm glad we're going to Florida.

- What's in Florida?
- Millionaires. Flocks of them.

They all go south for the winter,
like birds.

Oh, you're gonna catch yourself
a rich bird?

I don't care how rich he is
as long as he has a yacht,

his own private railroad car
and his own toothpaste.

- You're entitled.
- Maybe you'll meet one too, Josephine.

With money like Rockefeller
and shoulders like Johnny Weismuller.

- Oh, I want mine to wear glasses.
- Glasses?

Men who wear glasses are so much
more gentle and sweet and helpless.

Haven't you ever noticed it?

Now that you've mentioned it, mm-hmm.

They get those weak eyes from reading.

You know, those long, tiny little columns
in The Wall Street Journal.

That bass fiddle,
she sure knows how to throw a party.

Hot diggetty dog!

Well, happy days!

I hope this time you wind up
with the sweet end of the lollipop.

So the one-legged jockey said...

What did he say?

So the one-legged jockey said,
"Don't worry about me, baby.

I ride side-saddle."

Oh! Shh.

Terribly sorry. I seem to have hiccups.

Hey, let's rub some ice on her neck.

I think... I told you...

Oh! You dropped it! Oh, it's cold!

- Oh, no, please. Oh, don't do that!
- She's ticklish!

Don't! Oh, please, no! Not the chest!

Help! Help! Josephine!

Please stop that! Stop that!

Stop that!

- What's happened?
- Search me.

Uh, I mean... I mean, I'll see.

All right, what's goin' on around here?

Bienstock!

A-Are we in Florida?

? Down among the sheltering palms ?

? A honey waits for me
A honey waits for me ?

? Don't be forgettin'
We got a date ?

? Up where the sun
Goes down about 8:00 ?

? How my love
Is burning, burning, burning ?

? How my heart
Is yearning, yearning, yearning ?

? To be down ?

? Among the sheltering palms ?

? So, honey, wait for me ?

Sugar? Here.

- I'll carry the instruments.
- Oh, thank you, Daphne.

Oh, thank you, Daphne.
Isn't she a sweetheart?

Good morning.

How do you do?

Zowie!

Well, there they are.

More millionaires
than you can shake a stick at.

I'll bet there isn't one under 75.

Seventy-five.
That's three-quarters of a century.

Makes a girl think.

Let's hope they brought
their grandsons along.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Oh, pardon me, miss.

- May I?
- Help yourself.

I'm Osgood Fielding the Third.

I'm Cinderella the second.

If there's one thing I admire,
it's a girl with a shapely ankle.

Me too. Bye-bye.

- Let me carry one of the instruments.
- Oh, thank you.

Aren't you a sweetheart?

Certainly is delightful
having young blood around here.

Oh. Well, personally, I'm type "O."

You know, I've always been
fascinated by show business.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

As a matter of fact,
it's cost my family quite a bit of money.

Oh, you invest in shows?

Showgirls.

I've been married seven or eight times.

- You're not sure?
- Mama is keeping score.

Frankly, she's getting
rather annoyed with me.

I wouldn't wonder.

So, this year, when
the George White Scandals opened,

she packed me off to Florida.

Right now, she thinks I'm out there
on my yacht...

deep-sea fishing.

Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding.

You're barking up the wrong fish.

Well, if I promise not to be a naughty boy,
how about dinner tonight?

I'm sorry. I'll be on the bandstand.

Oh, of course.

- Which of these instruments do you play?
- Bull fiddle.

Fascinating.
Do you use a bow, or do you just pluck it?

Most of the time I slap it.

- You must be quite a girl.
- Wanna bet?

My last wife was an acrobatic dancer.

- You know, a sort of a contortionist.
- Mmm.

She could smoke a cigarette
while holding it between her toes.

Zowie!

- But Mama broke it up.
- Why?

She doesn't approve of girls who smoke.

Bye-bye, Mr. Fielding.

- Bye-bye?
- This is where I get off.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

You don't get off that easy.

All right, driver.
Once around the park. Slowly.

And keep your eyes on the road.

What kind of a girl
do you think I am, Mr. Fielding?

Oh, oh, please. Please.

- It won't happen again.
- I'll say!

- Please come back.
- I'll walk, thank you.

Oh, please, miss, I...

Zowie!

All right, girls.
Here are your room assignments.

My glasses. Where are my glasses?

- Olga and Mary Lou are in 412.
- Excuse me.

And Mary Lou, will you keep your kimono buttoned
when you ring for room service.

Well!

- Josephine and Daphne are in 413.
- Thank you.

- Dolores and Sugar in 414.
- Me and Sugar?

Well, what did you expect,
a one-legged jockey?

Rosella and Emily in 415.
Stella and...

- I wish they'd put us in the same room.
- So do I.

But don't worry about it, Sugar.
We'll see a lot of each other.

414.

That's the same room number
I had in Cincinnati,

my last time around with a male band.

What a heel he was.

- Saxophone player?
- What else?

Was I ever crazy about him.

2:00 in the morning he sent me down
for hot dogs and potato salad.

They were out of potato salad,
so I brought coleslaw.

So he threw it right in my face.

Forget it, Sugar.
Forget saxophone players.

You're gonna meet a millionaire.
A young one.

- What makes you so sure?
- My feminine intuition.

- Oh, are these your bags?
- Mm-hmm.

- And that one too.
- Okay, doll.

I suppose you want a tip?

Ah, forget it, doll.
After all, you work here, and I work here.

And believe you me, it's nice to
have you with the organization.

- Bye-bye.
- Uh, listen, doll.

What time do you get off tonight?

Why?

Well, I'm workin' the night shift,
and I got a bottle of gin stashed away,

and when there's a lull...

Don't you think
you're a little young for that, sonny?

Oh, you wanna see
my, uh, driver's license?

Get lost, will ya.

That's the way I like 'em...
big and sassy.

Oh, and, uh, get rid of your roommate.

- Dirty old man!
- What happened?

I just got pinched in the elevator.

- Well, now you know how the other half lives.
- Look at that! I'm not even pretty.

They don't care,
just so long as you're wearing a skirt.

- It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
- Really? Well, I'm sick of being the flag.

I want to be a bull again. What do you say?
Let's get outta here. Let's blow.

Blow where?

You promised me, Joe, that the minute
we hit Florida, we were gonna beat it.

- How can we? We're broke.
- We could find another band. A male band.

Look, stupid, right now
Spats Colombo and his chums

are looking for us
in every male band in the country.

- It's so humiliating, the whole...
- So you got pinched in the elevator. So what?

Would you rather be
picking lead out of your navel?

All right, all right. But how long
do you think we can keep this up?

What's the beef?

- We're sittin' pretty.
- Huh?

Look. We get room and board.
We're getting paid every week.

Look.
Look at the palm trees, the flying fish.

What are you giving me
with the flying fish?

I know why you want to stay here.
You're after Sugar.

Me? After Sugar?

I saw the both of you on that bus,
all lovey-dovey and whispering and giggling

and borrowing each other's lipstick!

- What are you talking about? Me and Sugar?
- You and Sugar.

We're just like sisters.

Well, I'm your fairy godmother,
and I'm gonna keep an eye on you.

Are you decent?

Come in.

You girls seen a brown bag
with a white stripe and my initials?

- A what?
- My suitcase with all my resort clothes.

- No, we haven't.
- Can't understand it.

First my glasses disappear,
then one of my suitcases.

- Where's my ukulele?
- Now a ukulele.

There must be a sneak thief
around here.

Oh! Here it is. Hi, Sug.

A bunch of us girls are gonna go for a swim.
You want to come along?

- A swim? Oh, you betcha.
- Just a minute, Daphne.

- You haven't got a bathing suit.
- She doesn't need one. I don't have one either.

Ah! See?
She doesn't have one either.

- You don't?
- We can rent some at the bathhouse.

- How about you, Josephine?
- No, thanks.

I think I'll stay in
and soak in a hot tub.

- On a day like this? It's lovely out.
- Yeah, well, let her soak.

Come on.

Don't get burned, Daphne.

- Oh, I've got suntan lotion.
- Well, see?

She'll rub it on me, I'll rub it on her,
and we'll rub it on each other.

Bye-bye.

? By the sea, by the sea
By the beautiful sea ?

? You and me, you and me ?

? Oh, how happy we'll be ?

? I love to be beside your side ?

? Beside the sea
Beside the seaside ?

? By the beautiful sea ?

Daphne, cut it out!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Just a little trick I picked up in the elevator.

Whoo, look out!
Here comes a big one!

Whee!

Daphne, I had no idea
you were such a big girl.

Oh, Sugar, you should've seen me
before I went on a diet.

I mean, your shoulders
and your arms.

Oh, well, that's from carrying
that bull fiddle around all day.

- Oh, there's one thing I envy you for.
- What's that?

You're so flat-chested.

Clothes hang better on you
than they do on me.

Watch out, Daphne!

- Sugar, come on! Let's play ball!
- Okay!

- Let's go, Junior. Time for your nap.
- No. I wanna play.

You heard your mother, Junior.
Scram.

This beach ain't big enough
for the both of us. Get outta here.

Mommy! Mommy!

Now, here we go.

I like coffee, I like tea!

How many boys are stuck on me?

One! Two! Three!

Four! Five! Six!

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- My fault.

- You're not hurt, are you?
- I don't think so.

- I wish you'd make sure.
- Why?

Because usually
when people find out who I am,

they get themselves a wheelchair,
a shyster lawyer,

and sue me for
three-quarters of a million dollars.

Don't worry. I won't sue you,
no matter who you are.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Now, really!

Sugar!

Come on!

Honestly.

Cheerio.

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
- Not very likely.

- You staying at the hotel?
- Not at all.

Your face is familiar.

Possible you've seen it
in the newspapers or magazines.

Um, Vanity Fair.

That must be it.

Would you mind moving just a little, please?
You're blocking my view.

Your view? Of what?

They run up a red-and-white flag on the yacht
when it's time for cocktails.

You own a yacht?

Which one is it?

- The big one?
- Certainly not.

With all the unrest in the world,

I don't think anybody should have
a yacht that sleeps more than 12.

I quite agree.

Tell me, who runs up that flag?

- Your wife?
- No. My flag steward.

Who mixes the cocktails? Your wife?

No, my cocktail steward.

Look, if you're interested
in whether I am married or not...

Oh, I'm not interested at all.

Well, I'm not.

That's very interesting.

- How's the stock market?
- Up, up, up.

I'll bet, while we were talking,
you made, like, a hundred thousand dollars?

Could be. Uh, you play the market?

No. The ukulele. And I sing too.

For your own amusement?

A bunch of us girls are appearing at the hotel.
Sweet Sue and Her Society Syncopators.

Oh, you're society girls.

Oh, yes. Quite.
You know, Bryn Mawr, Vassar.

We're just doing this for a lark.

Syncopators.

Does that mean you play
that very fast music... uh, jazz?

Yeah! Real hot.

Oh, well, I guess some like it hot.
I personally prefer classical music.

Oh, I do too. As a matter of fact,

I spent three years
at the Sheboygan Conservatory of Music.

Good school.

And your family
doesn't object to your career?

They do indeed. Daddy threatened
to cut me off without a cent.

But I don't care.
It was such a bore, you know.

- Coming-out parties.
- Inauguration balls.

- Opening of the opera.
- Riding to hounds.

And always the same Four Hundred.

You know, it's amazing we never
ran into each other before.

I'm sure I would have remembered
anybody as attractive as you are.

- You're very kind.
- Hmm.

I'll bet you're also gentle and helpless.

I beg your pardon.

You see, I have this theory
about men who wear glasses.

- What theory?
- I'll tell you when I get to know you better.

What are you doing tonight?

Uh, tonight?

I thought maybe you could come
to the hotel and hear us play.

Uh, I would like to,
but that would be rather difficult.

Why?

I only come ashore twice a day,
when the tide goes out.

- Oh.
- It's on account of these shells.

That's my hobby.

- You collect shells?
- Yes.

So did my father and my grandfather.
You might say we had a passion for shells.

That's why we named
the oil company after it.

Shell Oil?

Please, no names.

Just call me Junior.

Sugar! Sugar! Come on, dear.
It's time to change for dinner.

Run along, Daphne, dear.
I'll catch up with you later.

Oh. Okay.

- No!
- What is it, young lady?

What are you staring at?
This happens to me all the time in public.

I recognized him too.
His picture was in Vanity Fair.

- Vanity Fair?
- Would you mind moving along, please?

Yes, you're in his way.
He's waiting for a signal from his yacht.

His yacht?

It sleeps 12.
This is my friend, Daphne.

- She's a Vassar girl.
- I'm a what?

Or was it Bryn Mawr?

I heard a very sad story
about a girl who went to Bryn Mawr.

She squealed on her roommate,

and they found her strangled
with her own brassiere.

Yes. We have to be very careful
whom we pick for a roommate, hmm?

Well, I think I better be going.

It was delightful meeting you both.

- You will come and hear us play?
- If it's at all possible.

Oh, do come. Don't disappoint us.
It'll be such fun.

- And bring your yacht!
- Come on, Daphne.

How about that guy?

Now look, Daphne.
Hands off. I saw him first.

Sugar, let me give you a little advice, dear.

If I were a girl, and I am,
I'd watch my step.

If I'd been watching my step,
I never would have met him.

I can't wait to tell Josephine.

Yeah. Josephine.

I can't wait to see her face.
Will she be surprised.

Neither can I! Let's run up
to the room and tell her right now.

- Oh, we don't have to run.
- Oh, yes, we do.

Josephine! Yoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- I guess she's not here.
- Isn't that funny? Josie!

I can't imagine where she'd be.

- Well, I'll be back later.
- Oh, no. You wait.

I have a feeling
she'll show up any minute.

Believe it or not,
Josephine predicted the whole thing.

Yeah. This is one for Ripley.

- Do you suppose she went shopping?
- Shopping! That's it.

Something tells me she's gonna come
through that door in a brand-new outfit.

? Running wild ?

? Lost control ?

? Running wild ?

? Mighty bold ?

? Carefree mind all the time
Never blue ?

Josephine!

Oh. I didn't hear you come in.

? Always going, don't know where ?

? Always showing I don't care ?

- Have a good time, girls?
- Oh, Josephine.

- The most wonderful thing happened.
- What?

- Guess.
- They repealed Prohibition?

Oh, come now. You can do better than that.

- I met one of them.
- One of whom?

Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions,
he's got glasses, he's got a yacht.

You don't say.

He's not only got a yacht,
he's got a bicycle.

Daphne.

Go on, tell me all about him.

Well, he's young and he's handsome.
He's a bachelor.

He's a real gentleman.

You know, not one of these grabbers.

Maybe you better go after him
if you don't want to lose him.

Well, I'm not gonna let this one get away.
He's so cute.

- He collects shells.
- Shells? Hmm. Whatever for?

Oh, you know. The old shell game.

Daphne, you're bothering us.

- Anyway, you're going to meet him tonight.
- I am?

He said he's gonna come to hear us play,
maybe.

What do you mean, maybe?
I saw the way he looked at you.

- He'll be there for sure.
- I hope so.

What do you think, Josephine?
What does it say in your crystal ball?

Sugar! Hey, is Sugar in here?

- Yes.
- Sugar, have you got the key?

I'm locked out,
and I'm makin' a puddle in the hall.

See you on the bandstand, girls.

What are you trying to do to that poor girl?
Puttin' on a millionaire act.

And where did you get that phony accent?
Nobody talks like that.

Oh, I've seen you pull
some low tricks on women.

This is, without doubt,
the trickiest, lowest, and meanest...

I'm not afraid of you.

I'm thin, but I'm wiry.

Now, Joe, you're gonna get hurt
because when I'm aroused, I'm a tiger.

Why, Joe! Don't look at me like that,
when it was all a joke.

When I didn't mean any harm.

Well, I'm gonna press the suit myself.

Telephone! Answer the tele... phone.

Hello. Hello.

Yes, this is 413.

Ship-to-shore? All right, I'll take it.

Hello, Daphne.
It's that naughty boy again.

You know, Osgood. In the elevator?

You slapped my face.

- Who is this?
- This is her roommate.

Daphne can't talk right now.
Is it anything urgent?

Well, it is to me.
Will you give her a message?

Tell her I'd like her to have a little supper
with me on my yacht, after the show tonight.

Got it. Supper, yacht, after the show.
I'll tell her.

- Your yacht?
- The New Caledonia.

That's the name of it.

The Old Caledonia went down
during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.

But tell her not to worry.
This will be a quiet little midnight snack.

Just the two of us.

Just the two of you? What about the crew?

Oh, that's all been taken care of.
I'm giving them shore leave.

We'll have a little cold pheasant
and champagne.

And I've checked with the Coast Guard.

There's gonna be a full moon tonight.

Oh, and tell her I've got a new batch
of Rudy Vallee records.

That's good thinking.
Daphne's a pushover for him.

Pushover for who?
Why... Who's on the...

Shh! Yes, Mr. Fielding.

You'll pick her up after the show
in your motorboat.

Good-bye.

What's that you said?

Oh. Zowie.

- I'll give her the message.
- What message? What motorboat?

You got it made, kid.

Fielding wants to have a little cold pheasant
with you on his yacht.

- He does?
- Just the three of you on that great big boat.

- You and him and Rudy Vallee.
- Well, fat chance.

- Call him back and tell him I'm not going.
- Well, of course you're not.

- Oh.
- I'm going.

You're gonna be on the boat
with that dirty old man?

No. I'm going to be on the boat with Sugar.

- Well, where's he gonna be?
- He's gonna be ashore with you.

- With me?
- That's right.

Oh, no. Not tonight, Josephine.

? I wanna be loved by you ?

? Just you and nobody else but you ?

? I wanna be loved by you alone ?

? Boop-boop-be-doo ?

? I wanna be kissed by you ?

? Just you and nobody else but you ?

? I wanna be kissed by you alone ?

? I couldn't aspire ?

? To anything higher ?

? Than to feel the desire ?

? To make you my own ?

? Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-doodly-dum-boo ?

? I want to be loved by you ?

? Just you and nobody else but you ?

? I wanna be loved by you alone ?

Daphne, your boyfriend's waving at you.

You can both go take a flyin' jump.

Remember, he's your date for the night,
so smile.

Oh, you can do better than that.
Give him the teeth, the whole personality.

Why do I let you
talk me into these things? Why?

Because we're pals, buddies.
The two musketeers.

Don't give me with the musketeers.

How am I gonna keep the guy ashore?

Tell him you get seasick on a yacht.
Uh, play miniature golf with him.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna get caught
in a miniature sand trap with that guy.

Hi! Which of you dolls is Daphne?

Bull fiddle.

It's from satchel mouth at table seven.

This is from me to you, doll.

Beat it, buster.

Never mind leaving your door open.
I got a passkey.

? I couldn't aspire ?

- ? To anything higher ?
- What are you doin' with my flowers?

Just borrowing them.
You'll get them back tomorrow.

? Than to fill the desire
To make you my own ?

? Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-doodly-dum-boo ?

? I wanna be loved by you ?

? Just you and nobody else but you ?

? I wanna be loved by you ?

? Ba-deedly-deedly-deedly-dum
Boo-boop-bee-doop ?

I guess he's not gonna show up.
It's five minutes to 1:00.

Do you suppose he forgot?

Well, you know how those millionaires are.

These came for you.

For me?

- It's Shell Oil!
- No!

Yes!

He wants me to have supper with him
on his yacht.

- He's going to pick me up at the pier.
- No!

- Yes!
- You heard her. Yes.

Oh, Josephine, just imagine.

Me, Sugar Kowalczyk, from Sandusky, Ohio,

on a millionaire's yacht.

If my mother could only see me now.

I hope my mother never finds out.

Well, that's it for tonight, folks.

This is Sweet Sue saying good night,

reminding all you daddies out there

that every girl in my band is a virtuoso,

and I intend to keep it that way.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

But it's such a waste.
A full moon, an empty yacht.

- I'll throw up.
- Then let's go dancing.

There's a little roadhouse down the coast.
If we could...

Well, I'll be.

- He does have a bicycle.
- Who?

Hmm? About the roadhouse...

Oh.
They have a Cuban band that's the berries.

Let's go there.
Blindfold the orchestra and tango till dawn.

You know something, Mr. Fielding?

- What?
- You're dynamite.

You're a pretty hot little firecracker
yourself.

Ahoy there.

Ahoy!

Been waiting long?

It's not how long you wait.
It's who you're waiting for.

Thank you. And thank you for the flowers.

I wanted them to fly some orchids
from our greenhouse,

but unfortunately,
all of Long Island is fogged in.

It's the thought that counts.

Ah...

Hmm. I seem to be out of gas.

It's sort of funny, you being out of gas.
I mean, Shell Oil and everything.

Mm-hmm. Oops. There.

Uh... It seems to be stuck
in, uh... in reverse.

Uh, I ju... I just got this motorboat.
It's an experimental model.

It seems like they're on the wrong track.

Do you mind riding backwards?
It may take a little longer.

It's not how long it takes.
It's who's taking you.

Hmm. Yes.

It looked so small from the beach,
but when you're on it,

it's more like a cruiser or a destroyer.

It's just regulation size.
We have three like this.

- Three?
- Yes. Mother keeps hers in Southampton.

Daddy's got his in Venezuela.
The company is laying a new pipeline.

My dad's more interested in railroads.
Baltimore and Ohio.

Hmm.

Which is the port
and which is the starboard?

Well, that depends.

That depends on whether
you're coming or going.

I mean, normally... normally the aft
is on the other side of the stern.

Th... And that's the bridge.

So that you can get from one side
of the boat to the other.

- Would you like a glass of champagne?
- Love it.

Which way?

Oh! You have an upstairs and a downstairs.

Yes. That's the hurricane cellar.

And another nice thing about this yacht...
lots of closet space.

Now, let me see. Where do you suppose
the steward set it up?

In here!

Oh, yes, of course. How silly of me.

On Thursdays,
they always serve me in the small salon.

It's exquisite.

Like a floating mansion.

Well, it's all right for a bachelor.

What a beautiful fish!

I caught him off Cape Hatteras.

What is it?

It's a member of the herring family.

A herring?

Isn't it amazing how they get
those big fish into those little glass jars?

They shrink when they're marinated.

- Champagne?
- I don't mind if I do.

Well, down the hatch, as we say at sea.

Bon voyage.

- Look at all that silverware!
- Uh, trophies.

You know, skeet shooting,
dog breeding, water polo.

- Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
- I'll say.

I had two ponies drowned under me.

- Where's your shell collection?
- Mmm.

Yes, of course.
Now, where could they have put it?

You see, on Thursdays,
I'm sort of lost around here.

- What's on Thursday?
- It's the crew's night off.

You mean, we're alone on the boat?

Completely.

You know, I've never been
completely alone with a man before,

in the middle of the night,
in the middle of the ocean.

Oh, it's perfectly safe.
We're well-anchored.

Ship's in shipshape shape.

And the Coast Guard promised to call me
if there were any icebergs around.

It's not the icebergs.

But there are certain men who would try
to take advantage of a situation like this.

You're flattering me.

Of course, I'm sure you're a gentleman.

Oh, it's not that.
It's, uh, just that I'm, um, harmless.

Harmless? How?

Well, I don't know how to put it,
but I've got this thing about girls.

What thing?

They just sort of leave me cold.

You mean, like frigid?

Well, it's more like, um, a mental block.

When I'm with a girl,
it does absolutely nothing to me.

- Have you tried?
- Have I?

I'm trying all the time.

See? Nothing.

- Nothing at all?
- Complete washout.

That makes me feel just awful.

Oh, my dear, it's not your fault.

It's just that every now and then,
Mother Nature throws somebody a dirty curve.

Something goes wrong inside.

- You mean, you can't fall in love?
- Not anymore.

I was in love once,
but I would rather not talk about it.

Would you like a little cold pheasant?

What happened?

- I don't want to bore you.
- Oh, you couldn't possibly.

Well, it was my freshman year
at Princeton.

There was this girl. Her name was Nellie.

Her father was the vice president
of Hupmobile.

She wore glasses too.

That summer we spent our vacation
at the Grand Canyon.

We were standing on the highest ledge,
watching the sunset,

when suddenly we got this impulse to kiss.

I took off my glasses.
She took off her glasses.

I took a step toward her.
She took a step towards me.

Oh, no!

Yes.

Eight hours later,
they brought her up by mule.

I gave her three transfusions.
We had the same type blood. Type "O."

But it was too late.

Talk about sad.

Ever since then...

numb, no feelings,
like my heart was shot full of novocaine.

You poor, poor boy.

Yes. All the money in the world,
and what good is it?

Mint sauce or cranberries?

How can you think about food
at a time like this?

What else is there for me?

- Is it that hopeless?
- My family did everything they could.

Hired the most beautiful
French upstairs maids.

Got a special tutor to read me all those books
that were banned in Boston.

Imported a whole troupe
of Balinese dancers.

You know, with those bells on their ankles
and those long fingernails.

What a waste of money.

- Have you ever tried American girls?
- Why?

Was that anything?

Thanks just the same.

You should see a doctor, a good doctor.

I have.

I spent six months in Vienna
with Professor Freud, flat on my back.

Then there were the Mayo Brothers...

injections, hypnosis, uh, mineral baths.

If I wasn't such a coward, I'd kill myself.

Don't say that!

There must be some girl someplace
that could...

If I ever found the girl that could,
I'd marry her just like that.

- Would you do me a favor?
- Certainly. What is it?

I may not be Dr. Freud or a Mayo brother
or one of those French upstairs girls,

but... could I take another crack at it?

All right. If you insist.

- Anything this time?
- I'm afraid not.

Terribly sorry.

Would you like some more champagne?

Maybe if we had some music.
How do you dim these lights?

Look, it's terribly sweet of you
to want to help out, but it's no use.

I think the light switch is over there.

That's the radio.

It's like taking someone to a concert
when he's tone deaf.

You're not giving yourself a chance.

Don't fight it.

Relax.

It's like smoking without inhaling.

So inhale.

- Daphne.
- Hmm?

- You're leading again.
- Sorry.

Well?

I'm not quite sure.

Would you try it again?

I got a funny sensation in my toes...

like someone was barbecuing them
over a slow flame.

Let's throw another log on the fire.

I think you're on the right track.

I must be.
Your glasses are beginning to steam up.

I never knew it could be like this.

Thank you.

They told me I was kaput, finished,
all washed up.

And here you are making a chump
out of all those experts.

Mineral baths. Now, really.

Where did you learn to kiss like that?

I use to sell kisses for the Milk Fund.

Tomorrow, remind me to send a check
for a hundred thousand dollars

to the Milk Fund.

¡Olé!

Whoops. Oh.

Good night.

Good morning.

How much do I owe the Milk Fund so far?

$850,000.

Let's make it an even million.

I forgot to give you a receipt.

- ¡Olé!
- Hi, Jerry.

- Everything under control?
- Have I got things to tell you.

What happened?

I'm engaged.

Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?

I am.

What?

Osgood proposed to me.
We're planning a June wedding.

What are you talking about?
You can't marry Osgood.

You think he's too old for me?

- Jerry, you can't be serious.
- Why not?

He keeps marrying girls all the time.

But... But you're not a girl. You're a guy.

And why would a guy want to marry a guy?

Security.

Jerry, you better lie down.
You're not well.

Will you stop treating me like a child?
I'm not stupid.

- I know there's a problem.
- I'll say there is.

His mother. We need her approval.

But I'm not worried because I don't smoke.

- Jerry, there's another problem.
- Like what?

Like, what are you gonna do
on your honeymoon?

We've been discussing that.

He wants to go to the Riviera,
but I kind of lean towards Niagara Falls.

Jerry, you're out of your mind!
How are you gonna get away with this?

I don't expect it to last, Joe.

- I'll tell him the truth when the time comes.
- Like when?

- Like, right after the ceremony.
- Oh.

Then we get a quick annulment,
he makes a nice settlement on me,

and I keep gettin'
those alimony checks every month.

- Je... Jerry.
- ¡Olé!

- Jerry. Jerry, listen to me. Listen to me.
- What?

There are laws, conventions.
It's just not being done.

Shh! Joe, this may be my last chance
to marry a millionaire.

- Jerry.
- Huh?

Jerry, will you take my advice?
Forget about the whole thing, will you?

Just keep telling yourself you're a boy.

You're a boy.

- I'm a boy.
- That's the boy.

Oh, I'm a boy. I'm... I'm a boy.

I'm... I wish I were dead. I'm a boy.

I'm a boy. Oh, boy, am I a boy.

Now, what am I gonna do
about my engagement present?

- What engagement present?
- Osgood gave me a bracelet.

- Hey, these are real diamonds.
- Of course they're real.

What do you think, my fiancé is a bum?
Now I guess I'll have to give it back to him.

- Wait a minute, Jerry.
- Huh?

Let's not be hasty. After all, we don't
want to hurt Osgood's feelings, do we?

Huh?

- Just a minute.
- It's me, Sugar.

Come in.

I thought I heard voices.

I had to talk to somebody.
I don't feel like going to sleep.

I know what you need. A slug of bourbon.

Oh, no. I'm off that stuff for good.

- Did you have a nice time?
- Nice?

It was suicidally beautiful.

- Did he get fresh?
- Of course not.

As a matter of fact,
it was just the other way around.

- You see, he needs help.
- What for?

Talk about elegant.
You should see the yacht.

Candlelight, mint sauce, and cranberries.

Gee, I wish I'd been there.

I'm going to see him again tonight
and every night.

I think he's going to propose to me,
soon as he gets up his nerve.

That's some nerve.

Daphne got a proposal tonight.

- Really?
- From a rich millionaire.

Oh, that's wonderful!

- Poor Josephine.
- Me?

Well, Daphne has a beau. I have a beau.

If we could only find somebody for you.

Here I am, doll.

Hey!

Friends of Italian opera.

That's us.

Register over there.

Spats Colombo.
Delegate from Chicago, south side chapter.

Thanks.

Hiya, Spats.

We was laying eight-to-one
you wouldn't show.

Why wouldn't I?

We thought you was all broken up
about Toothpick Charlie.

- Well, we all gotta go sometime.
- Yeah.

You never know who's gonna be next.

Okay, Spats.
Uh, report to the sergeant-at-arms.

What for?

Orders from Little Bonaparte.

- All right, Spats. Get your hands up.
- What's the idea?

Little Bonaparte
don't want no hardware around.

All right, you're clean.

You're not.

It ain't loaded.

Next.

- What's in here?
- My golf clubs.

Putter, niblick, number three iron.

- What's this?
- My mashie.

See you at the banquet, Spats.

Where did you pick up that cheap trick?

Come on, boys.

Well, Spats Colombo if I ever saw one.

Hello, copper.
What brings you down to Florida?

Oh, I heard you opera lovers
were havin' a little rally,

so I thought I'd better be around
in case anybody decided to sing.

Big joke.

Say, maestro, where were you
at three o'clock on Saint Valentine's Day?

Me? I was at Rigoletto.

- What's his first name? Where's he live?
- That's an opera, you ignoramus.

Where did they play it,
in a garage on Clark Street?

Clark Street? Never heard of it.

Did you ever hear of the DeLuxe
French Cleaners on Wabash Avenue?

Why?

Because the day after the shooting,
you sent in a pair of spats.

- They had blood on 'em.
- I cut myself while shaving.

- You shave with spats on?
- I sleep with my spats on.

Why don't you stop kiddin'?

You did that vulcanizing job
on Toothpick Charlie, and we know it.

You and who else?

Me and those two witnesses your lawyers
have been lookin' for all over Chicago.

Boys, do you know anything
about any garage or any witnesses?

Us? We was with you at Rigoletto's.

Honest!

Don't worry, Spats.

One of these days
we're gonna dig up those two guys.

That's what you'll have to do. Dig 'em up.

I feel like such a tramp.

Takin' jewelry from a man
under false pretenses.

Get it while you're young.
You better fix your lips.

You want to look nice for Osgood,
don't you?

It is just gonna break his heart
when he finds out I can't marry him.

So? It's gonna break Sugar's heart
when she finds out I'm not a millionaire.

That's life. You can't make an omelet
without breakin' an egg.

- What are you givin' me with the omelet?
- Nag, nag, nag.

Look, we got a yacht, we got a bracelet.
You got Osgood, I've got Sugar.

We're really cookin'.

- Joe.
- What?

Something tells me
the omelet is about to hit the fan.

- Come on, Daphne.
- Mm-hmm.

- Going up!
- Hold it.

Three, please.

I don't mean to be forward,

but ain't I had the pleasure
of meeting you two broads before?

- Oh, no.
- You must be thinking of two other broads.

You ever been in Chicago?

Us? We wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago.

Third floor.

What floor are you on, sweetie?

Never you mind.

Room 413. We'll be in touch.

Well, don't call us. We'll call you.

I tell you, Joe, they're onto us.

They're gonna line us up against the wall
and...

And then the cops
are gonna find two dead dames,

and they're gonna take us
to the ladies' morgue,

and when they undress us, I tell you, Joe.
I'm gonna die of shame.

- Shut up and keep packing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, Joe.

- Not that, you idiot!
- Well, they're from Osgood.

He wanted me to wear 'em tonight.

I tell you, I will never find another man
who's so good to me.

Joe, if we get out of this hotel alive,
you know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna sell this bracelet,
and we're gonna take the money,

and we're gonna grab a boat down
to South America,

and hide out
in one of the banana republics.

Because I figure that if we eat nothin'
but bananas, we could live there for 50 years.

Maybe a hundred years.
If we get out of the hotel alive.

Now, did we forget anything?

- Yeah, there's the shaving stuff.
- Oh, yeah.

- And there's also Sugar.
- Sugar?

- Give me room 414.
- Now wait a minute. What are you doin'?

- Makin' a telephone call.
- A telephone...

Who has time for a telephone call?

We can't just walk out on her
without saying good-bye.

Since when? You usually walk out and
leave 'em with nothing but a kick in the teeth.

That's when I was a saxophone player.
Now I'm a millionaire.

Well, mail her a postcard.
Those gorillas may be up here any minute.

Hello, Room 414?
This is the ship-to-shore operator.

Ship-to-shore?

Hey, Sugar, it's for you, from the yacht.

Hello?

Hello, my dearest darling.
So good to hear your voice again.

I may throw up!

No, I didn't sleep too well, darling.
To tell the truth, I never closed an eye.

I never slept better.
I had the most wonderful dream.

I was still on the yacht,
and the anchor broke loose.

We drifted for days and days.

You were the captain, and I was the crew.

I kept a lookout for icebergs.

I sorted your shells
and mixed your cocktails.

And I wiped the steam off your glasses.

And when I woke up,
I wanted to swim right back to you.

Yes.

Now, about our date for tonight. Uh...

I'll meet you on the pier again
right after the show.

I'm afraid not. I can't make it tonight.

Not tomorrow either.
You see, I have to leave.

Something unexpected came up.
Uh, I'm sailing right away.

Where to?

South America?

Oh. That is unexpected.

You see, we have
these oil interests in Venezuela.

I just got a cable from Dad.

The board of directors
have decided on a merger.

A merger? How long will you be gone?

Quite a while.

As a matter of fact,
I'm not coming back at all.

You're not?

Well, it's all rather complicated.
What we call high finance.

It just so happens, the president
of the Venezuelan oil syndicate

has a daughter, and, uh...

Oh. That kind of merger.

What is she like?

According to our tax adviser,
she's only so-so.

But that's the way the oil gushes.

You know, a man in my position has
a certain responsibility to the stockholders.

You know, all those little people
who have invested their life savings.

Oh, of course. I understand.

At least I think I do.

I knew you would.

I only wish there was something
I could... I could do for you.

But you have.

You've given me all that inside information.

First thing tomorrow,
I'm gonna call my broker

and have him buy me
50,000 shares of Venezuelan oil.

Smart move.

By the way, did you get my flowers?

You know,
those orchids from my greenhouse?

The fog finally lifted over Long Island,
and they flew them down this morning.

That's strange.

I sent them to your room.

They should have been delivered by now.

Hey, Dolores?
Will you see if there's any flowers outside?

Yes, they're here. White orchids.

I haven't had white orchids
since I was a debutante.

What's this?

What's what?

Oh, that. Just a little going-away present.

Real diamonds.

They must be worth their weight in gold.

Are you always this generous?

Not always.

But I wanted you to know how very grateful
I am for what you did for me.

I didn't do anything. It just happened.

Oh, the navigator just came in.
We're ready to cast off.

Well, anchors aweigh
and have a bon voyage.

If you need an orchestra
to play at your wedding,

we'll be through here
in a couple of weeks.

- Good-bye, my darling.
- Phew.

I don't know about the captain,
but the navigator's gettin' his tail out of here.

- Yeah. Let's shove off.
- Wait a minute. My bracelet.

What happened to my bracelet?

What do you mean, your bracelet?
It's our bracelet.

All right. What happened to our bracelet?

- Don't worry. We did the right thing with it.
- Well, what did we do?

Joe, you're not pulling
one of your old tricks!

No tricks, no mirrors.
Nothing up my sleeve.

- It's on the level this time.
- You...

Where's that bourbon?

- What's the matter, Sugar?
- I don't know.

All of a sudden, I'm thirsty.

How did you get that bracelet?

- You like it?
- I always did.

Junior gave it to me.

He's going to South America
to marry another girl.

- That's what you call high finance.
- That's what I call a louse.

Sugar, if I were you, I would take that bracelet
and throw it right back in his face.

Daphne.

He's the first nice guy
I ever met in my life.

- The only one that ever gave me anything.
- You'll forget him, Sugar.

How can I?

No matter where I go, there'll always be
a Shell station on every corner.

I'll bring this back when it's empty.

Are you crazy or somethin'?

The place is crawlin' with mobsters.
Gangrene is settin' in.

And you,
you're makin' like Diamond Jim Brady.

How are we gonna get out of here?
How are we gonna eat?

We'll walk.
And if we have to, we'll starve.

Yeah. There you go with that "we" again.

Not that way. We don't want
to run into Spats and his chums.

Where... Oh.

Your hands clean?

Over. Okay. Button my spats.

You sure dress nice, boss.

Say, boss, I been talking
with some of the other delegates.

And the word is
that Little Bonaparte is real sore

about what happened to Toothpick Charlie.

Him and Charlie,
they used to be choirboys together.

Stop, or I'll bust out cryin'.

He even got Charlie's last toothpick,
the one from the garage.

He had it gold-plated.

Like I was tellin' you, fellas,
Little Bonaparte's gettin' soft.

Hasn't got it here anymore.
Used to be like a rock.

Oh, it's too bad.

I think it's about time he should retire.

- Second the motion.
- How are we gonna retire him?

Oh, we'll think of somethin' cute.

One of these days,
Little Bonaparte and Toothpick Charlie

will be singin' in the same choir again.

But this time,
we'll make sure there are no witnesses.

Look!

The two broads from the elevator.

Hey! Join us.

What's the matter with those dames?

Maybe those dames ain't dames.

Same faces. Same instruments.

- And here's your Valentine's card.
- The two musicians from the garage.

They wouldn't be caught dead in Chicago,
so we'll finish the job here.

Come on.

All right. So what do we do now?

First thing we gotta do
is get out of these clothes.

Yoo-hoo.

Huh?

What happened?

Me and Tiny, we had 'em cornered,
but we lost 'em in the shuffle.

- Where were you guys?
- We was with you at Rigoletto's.

- Why, you stupid idiot.
- That's all right, boss.

We'll get 'em after the banquet.
They can't be too far away.

Thank you.

Thank you, fellow opera lovers.

It's been ten years since I elected myself
president of this organization.

And if I say so myself,
you made the right choice.

Let's look at the record.

In the last fiscal year,
we made $112 million before taxes.

Only we ain't pay no taxes.

Of course, like in every business,
we had our little misunderstandings.

Uh, let us now rise and observe
one minute of silence

in memory of seven of our members
from Chicago, north side chapter,

who are unable to be here with us tonight
on account of bein' rubbed out.

You too, Spats. Up!

Easy, now.

- You know when you come out?
- Yeah.

Second time they sing...

? For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny ?

Okay.

And don't mess up the cake.

I promised
to bring back a piece to my kids.

Now, fellow delegates, there comes a time
in the life of every business executive

when he starts thinking about retirement.

No! No!

In lookin' around
for somebody to fill my shoes,

I've been considerin' several candidates.

For instance,
there's a certain party from Chicago,

south side chapter.

Now, some people say
he's gotten a little too big for his spats!

But I say, he's a man who'll go far.

Some people say he's gone too far!

But I say, you can't keep a good man down.

Of course, he's still got a lot to learn.

That big noise he made
on Saint Valentine's Day,

that wasn't very good for public relations.

And lettin' them two witnesses get away,
that sure was careless.

Don't worry about those two guys.
They're as good as dead.

I almost caught up with them today.

You mean, you let 'em get away twice?

Some people would say that's real sloppy.

But I say, to err is human,
to forgive divine.

And just to show you
what I think of you, Spats,

the boys told me
you was gonna have a birthday,

so we baked you a little cake.

My birthday?

Why, it ain't for another four months.

So we're a little early.
So what's a few months between friends?

All right, boys. Now, all together.

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? Which nobody can deny ?

? Which nobody can deny ?

? Which nobody can deny ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? For he's a jolly good fellow ?

? Which nobody can deny ?

Big joke.

Let's get out of here.

Get those two guys!

Get the light, will you?

What happened here?

There was somethin' in that cake
that didn't agree with 'em.

My compliments to the chef.

Nobody leaves this room
till I get the recipe.

You want to make a federal case of it?

Yeah.

- They slipped through our hands.
- Don't worry.

We got our guys watchin' the railroad station,
the roads, and the airport.

- They can't get away.
- Did you hear that?

Yeah, but they're not watching yachts.
Come on. You're gonna call Osgood.

I'm gonna call...
What am I gonna tell him?

- Tell him you're gonna elope with him.
- Elope?

Elope? But there are laws, conventions.

There's a convention, all right.
There's also the ladies' morgue.

? I'm through with love ?

? I'll never fall again ?

? Said adieu to love ?

? Don't ever call again ?

? For I must have you or no one ?

? And so I'm through with love ?

? I've locked my heart ?

? I'll keep my feelings there ?

? I've stocked my heart
With icy, frigid air ?

? And I mean to care for no one ?

? Because I'm through with love ?

? Why did you lead me
To think you could care? ?

? You didn't need me
You had your share ?

? Of slaves around you
To hound you and swear ?

? With deep emotion, devotion to you ?

? Good-bye to spring ?

? And all it meant to me ?

? It can never bring
The thing that used to be ?

? For I must have you or no one ?

? And so I'm through with love ?

? And so I'm through ?

? With ?

? Baby, I'm through with love ?

Josephine!

Bienstock!

Hey, that's no dame.

None of that, Sugar.

No guy is worth it.

What's goin' on?

- Grab her.
- Hey, hey, wait a minute.

What are you trying to do here?
What's going on?

Josephine?

It's all set.
Osgood's meeting us at the pier.

We're not on the pier yet.

Hi.

My friend Josephine.
Gonna be a bridesmaid.

- Well, pleased to meet you.
- Come on!

She's so eager.

Wait! Wait for Sugar!

- Another bridesmaid?
- Flower girl!

- Sugar, what do you think you're doing?
- I told you, I'm not very bright.

Let's go!

You don't want me, Sugar.
I'm a liar and a phony.

A saxophone player.

One of those no-goodniks
you keep running away from.

I know. Every time.

Sugar, do yourself a favor.
Go back to where the millionaires are.

The sweet end of the lollipop,

not the coleslaw in the face, the old socks,
and the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.

That's right. Pour it on.
Talk me out of it.

I called Mama. She was so happy she cried.

She wants you to have her wedding gown.
It's white lace.

Osgood, I can't get married
in your mother's dress.

She and I, we are not built the same way.

- We can have it altered.
- Oh, no, you don't.

Osgood, I'm gonna level with you.
We can't get married at all.

Why not?

Well, in the first place,
I'm not a natural blonde.

Doesn't matter.

I smoke. I smoke all the time.

I don't care.

I have a terrible past.

For three years now,
I've been living with a saxophone player.

I forgive you.

I can never have children.

We can adopt some.

Well, you don't understand, Osgood.

Ah! I'm a man.

Well, nobody's perfect.