Original subtitles

[MAN GRUNTING]

[PLAYERS GRUNTING AND THUDDING]

[PLAYERS GRUNTING]

[PLAYERS YELLING]

[PLAYERS GRUNTING] [WOMAN SCREAMS]

Heaven bless these souls and accept them through your holy gates.

The lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

So now we wait here until he uses his power again?

That's the plan?

JESSE: I need to get to the lost Apostle.

[STUTTERING] Driver's license and credit card, please.

The lost Apostle, eh? Amazing place.

This will just take a jiff.

Came up with the bionic ear here, you know?

What?

Uh, the bionic ear.

This is where they invented it, in Melbourne.

A bit of trivia, free of charge.

Huh.

[BEEPS]

Problem?

[STUTTERING] Sorry, sir,

it seems we don't have any cars available.

What about those?

Well, it...

[STUTTERING] They're reserved for...

...Mother's Day.

Whatever it says there on that screen of yours about me,

"wanted murderer,

"armed and dangerous." It's a lie.

I'm not armed.

But I do have the power to make people do as I say.

Laugh, cry, kill.

Anything.

One time, in Texas,

I made a cop mace his own balls.

But I don't want to do that here...

Jaxon.

See, people been getting hurt.

I gotta cut back on usin' it.

Problem is,

if I don't get to where I need to go,

pretty sure the whole world

is gonna end.

And everyone's gonna die, so I'll leave that with you.

I'm asking you to rent me,

of your own free will,

a rental car.

Thank you.

Jaxon.

[USING WORD OF GOD] You don't stutter.

Thank you.

[CAR LOCK CHIMES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

NEWSCASTER 1: [ON RADIO] And, in other news,

authorities continue the international manhunt

for the preacher behind the pervert rampage.

NEWSCASTER 2: There's still no word on the whereabouts of the missing

New Zealand Deputy Prime Minister.

Sources say... [TURNS RADIO OFF]

[HORN BLARING]

Preacher?

Eugene?

[MAN SCREAMING AND CREATURE GROWLING IN MEMORY]

GO!!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Eugene can take care of himself.

If the Saint wanted him dead, he'd be dead. Right?

Right.

[MOUTHING] Man!

Eugene.

CASSIDY: I mean, the bloody ponce was turning 'em into vampires and just killing.

Also, he could turn himself into a cat,

flitting about in the sky like some kind of sexy pirate.

Dick. What'd you do?

I turned the rest of his followers and they ate him.

- Nice. - Yeah.

Christ, it doesn't compare to fighting a load of Nazis

- on a bus ride to Hell, but... - Mmm...

Kept me fit.

[CHUCKLES] Stiff arm right there.

What happened to your hair?

Hurtful. Hurtful. It's good to see you.[LAUGHS]

And you, Cass.

Sláinte.

Yeah, that.

Efendi.

I need a shit, shower and shave.

And a phone.

In back room.

I'm gonna call a certain lady.

Mmm. [MOUTHING]

[WHISTLING]

[ARCADE MACHINE BEEPING]

CASSIDY: Jesus Christ, huh?

I know, right?

Guy's a bloody handsome devil.

I guess.

Huh.

Speaking of handsome devils...

Did you tell him we slept together?

Did you tell him we had sex?

I'm not mad. Just tell me, did you?

Yeah.

[GROANS]

- Nissa, look. - What?

Bad news.

WOMAN: [ON VIDEO] The search continues for the man

who police say brutally murdered a group of innocent sex tourists

here in the Middle East.

The manhunt grows as the holy man turned pervert-hating killing machine

was reportedly last spotted in Australia.

Room service.

Good morning, Jesus.

Your breakfast is here.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus.

Due to my negligence, Tulip O'Hare and Cassidy have escaped Masada,

as has our political prisoner.

I've also failed in my duty to track down and locate the holy child.

For these reasons...

I'm ready to die.

I'm ready, too.

[PHONE RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Hmm?

Gone? Where?

Did you check the leper lab

at the pediatric cancer wing? He loves those sorts of...

Hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Proceed.

Mmm.

You have no authority. Don't you dare.

Or what? You'll get your brains on me?

Or I'll get your brains on you.

[GUN COCKS]

- I'll take my chances. - Idiot.

Problem, sir?

They can't find Jesus.

FEATHERSTONE: Sir, please.

I think I've earned the right to be executed by you and you alone.

[PHONE RINGING] [SIGHS]

How can I get anything done when the phone won't stop?

You've earned the right to drop dead and get rolled into a tarp, Flufferman,

that's what you've earned.

What? How dare you!

Where the hell is Hitler?

[GRUNTS]

So close, mein Frau.

So close.

Ah, HerrStarr.

[WHIMPERING]

Do you know what's at stake?

What I've been promised? The apocalypse is going to happen.

And no teeny, tiny tin pot

is going to get in my way.

While I'm here,

the Messiah.

Now that you've laid eyes on him,

how did he seem to you?

Fantastisch, meinAllfather.

Congratulations.

Finally, a Messiah we can believe in.

Hmm.

The lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He knows he can't hurt you. Why would he come back?

'Cause he knows if he doesn't, I'll hurt you.

[TOOLS POUNDING AND WHIRRING]

[WORKERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[USING WORD OF GOD] Quiet!

Listen up...

THE SAINT OF KILLERS: Let's go.

CASSIDY: Hunted down like a dog over an orgy murder.

I mean, this is why we need to stick together, isn't it?

Mmm.

You know, it's all my fault. It's not Jesse.

He turned up like a good friend should.

He said, "Look, I know we've had our differences, you and I.

"But that doesn't matter right now,

"on account of you getting repeatedly foreskinned by a meat-handed Italian man."

Christ, he was there to stop it. He'd come to help.

D'you know what I said to that?

D'you know what my stupid, selfish response was?

- "I'd rather be circumcised." - That's right.

Which means I got a lot of work to do to make it up to him now.

So, maybe going down to Australia to rescue him

from whatever godforsaken mess he's got himself into

seems like a pretty good start, doesn't it? You know?

All right, so, come on, let's hit the road.

- Go and get our boy. - No, thank you.

What do you mean by that?

It means, I ain't goin'.

[CHUCKLES] You don't really mean that.

Gotta fix the car.

Dust in the carburetor.

Then, we're taking off.

Take... Taking off? What, with Jesus Christ?

Mmm-hmm.

He wants to see Las Vegas.

I think he's...

I don't know what to think.

But you can't just leave. Shouldn't we stick together?

Well, come with.

Out on the road, with a lonely, handsome Jesus.

It could be fun.

Think about it.

I don't want to.

[ARCADE GAME BEEPING]

[WORKERS CLAMORING]

JESUS: Nice car.

A '72 Chevelle SS.

Great 350 with a cowl induction hood

and 4.11 gears.

Flowmaster and T/A tires.

And all mine.

Yeah.

You sure about this?

Takin' off?

Of course.

Don't you got stuff to do?

Like walkin' on water.

Turning it into wine.

- I don't know. - Well, most of that's...

Pretty much just metaphor.

Oh.

'Cause there's no changin' your mind once we hit the road.

We're committed.

Well, there is this...

Conference

I'm supposed to be helping out with, but...

No.

I was born a man,

without obligations,

walking the Earth,

being with people.

I think that's all the stuff I need to do.

I like that.

You're gonna walk some serious Earth.

[CHUCKLES]

The unredeemed one,

will he be joining us?

Cass?

He's thinking about it.

[HUMMING MELODICALLY]

[SIGHS]

Sex, sex, sex.

Those juicy flanks, legs wrapped tight, feeling the meat inside her.

Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about, you dirty bird.

What the hell's got you so worked up?

A hot date. Haven't seen her in years.

When she lands, on.

Effendi.

What about you and your gal? Hot number.

No, she's not my gal.

Of course she is. Don't blame you, either.

Big baby eyes,

sweet caramel skin,

naughty little uppercut.

She's my best mate's girl.

It's not gonna happen.

No. No, it's not. Not with that attitude.

Listen to me, friend.

Every now and then, you have to roll the dice.

Love isn't easy. Forbidden love, especially.

[SIGHS]

Breaks and beats you, rips you to shreds.

But then, right when you think your heart can't take another second,

it gives you life.

Dazzling and new.

A love worth fighting for, a love...

That's enough now. That's enough.

Shut your mouth.

You oozy little gobshite, for the love of God. I am...

Tryin' to do the right thing, okay?

God, for once.

You're right.

Who am I to give advice about love?

Look what it got me.

Cast out of heaven, exiled, imprisoned.

And all because of some smokin' hot piece...

[WHOOSHING]

What?

She's here.

Mmm?

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Love of my life, you've hurt me

♪ You've broken my heart, and now you leave me

♪ Love of my life, can't you see?

♪ Back, hurry back

♪ Please bring it back home to me

♪ Because you don't know

♪ What it means to me

♪ Love of my life

♪ Love of my life

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

[SIGHS]

Why didn't you come get me?

I didn't know I could.

That is no excuse,

leaving you there, but...

That was a sin.

You're a good kid, Eugene.

You're a good Christian.

I don't really know what that means anymore.

But you are.

You put your faith in your preacher and your preacher let you down.

Christ.

Your own preacher sent you to Hell.

Eugene, I don't know if you can ever forgive me.

I just want you to know that...

I feel so bad about what I did.

Eugene?

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Seen Tulip do this 1,000 times.

Is it blue or red?

[CAR ALARM BLARING] Shit.

[DOGS BARKING]

And I was...

Just that one mistake, you know?

That one little sin...

Changed everything.

Yeah.

Two sins, actually. She was married.

Oh. Right.

JESUS: I'm not complaining, you know?

A new Messiah was chosen.

My son.

A better one, by all accounts.

Humperdoo?

I heard he was like...

JESUS: Incredible.

My father's favorite.

A true unblemished innocent.

In the end, God knew best.

[COUGHS] As always.

[COUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- What? - Yeah.

Look, I know he's your dad and all, but...

God's an asshole.

Don't say that.

I mean...

Don't say that.

All right. Well, come on.

[HORN HONKS]

Cassidy, let's go!

[POUNDING]

[WOMAN MOANING]

I think they going to break my bedroom.

I should help Jesse.

That's the right thing to do.

I mean, Tulip's never gonna love me.

Not like that, anyway.

[POUNDING CONTINUES]

[MOANING CONTINUES]

I should go and help him, right?

That's up to you.

That's right, that's free will.

Free will says I can change.

Free will says I don't have to be the selfish arsehole

that no one believes in.

I get to decide whether I wanna be the hero here or not.

Just like Han Solo.

You know, Luke's my friend,

and he's in trouble. And I don't give a shit

about a chest full of Rebel gold.

I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna help blow up that Death Star.

You know what I'm talking about.

Do you know Star Wars?

Moving pictures

are an affront to Allah, effendi.

Right.

Han would help.

[HORN HONKING] JESUS: Maybe he isn't coming.

TULIP: Please. He's coming.

[JESUS GRUNTING]

JESUS: All right. All right.

[JESUS COUGHS AND GROANS]

- You wanna go in... - No.

If he wants to mope around feeling guilty,

well, then let him, okay?

Me and Jesus are gonna have some serious...

[ENGINE STARTS]

[LAUGHS] [MUSIC PLAYING]

Aah! [LAUGHS]

Whoa!

Yeah!

Walking the Earth, baby.

[SMACKING LIPS]

Oh, man.

It's gonna be so cool.

Walkin' the Earth.

So much fun. Do what we want.

Like what? What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Get high.

Watch TV.

Play mini golf.

Rob a bank.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Everybody on the floor! This is a stickup.

Any one of y'all moves and all y'all guts'll hit the walls.

Good.

I got the vault.

You watch the door, okay?

Got it.

You heard my friend!

Nobody move,

or the guts will be painted

on the wall.

[COCKS GUN] [PEOPLE WHIMPER]

- MAN: Jesus? - No talking.

I have to pee.

I said no... [GUN FIRES]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING] Argh, Jesus!

You shot me.

Or you could just be lookout.

We are not going back, if that's what you're thinking.

No goddamn way.

I didn't say anything.

[CHUCKLES]

Champagne?

I'll be back, my beloved.

Well...

Dazzling and new is right.

I thought you were gonna mess up the space-time continuum back there.

I'm happy for the both of you.

You're still here. I thought you were on some sort of rescue mission.

Yeah, well...

I decided to take your advice.

You know?

Advice?

Yeah.

You know, just about love

and rollin' the dice and all that, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah. It's true.

So, I gotta ask, what's with the...

Jesus! What the... What...

But you said you loved her!

Indeed, I do, friend.

Indeed, I do.

So, what in the hell did you do that for?

She's a demon.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[MAN GRUNTING]

Eugene!

Eugene!

It's all right. He's not dead.

Come on, let's go.

[ENGINE STARTS]

OFFICER: [ON RADIO] Car 23 reporting. No sign of the suspect.

DISPATCHER: [ON RADIO] Copy that, unit 23.

Units 6 and 14?

OFFICER 2: [ON RADIO] Unit 6 reporting. Negative, no sign.

DISPATCHER: Unit 14?

Unit 14, do you copy?

JESSE: [IN FAKE ACCENT] This is Unit 14. No sign of him here, either.

[SIREN WAILING]

As soon as we get out the city,

we'll ditch the car.

You okay back there?

You apologized.

You came back and apologized...

That's all I wanted.

Well...

I owed you that much, buddy.

It still wasn't enough.

[GROANS]

Sorry I'm not gonna make it to Vegas.

- I hear it's fun. - It's a stinkin' shithole.

It's just this conference.

In 2,000 years,

it's pretty much the only thing

they've asked me to do.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Jesus doesn't wanna get into trouble.

It's not that.

It's not that.

Besides, it's better than toking dope and shooting people.

Man, you are not what I expected.

That's what my dad says.

All right, listen to me.

I don't need you to say it.

I just need you to know it.

He's an asshole.

Hey.

Just 'cause you're going back to do

the responsible thing or whatever,

doesn't mean I have to.

That's right.

That's right, you can do whatever you want.

Just like you said.

That's true for all of us. Isn't it?

That's what makes it so hard.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I said the joker is a wanted man

♪ He makes his way all across the land

♪ See him sifting through the sand

♪ So I'll tell you all the story

♪ 'Bout the joker and the thief in the night

♪ See him sifting through the sand

♪ So I'll tell you all the story

♪ 'Bout the joker and the thief

♪ I said, I'll tell you all the story

♪ 'Bout the joker and the thief

♪ I said, I'll tell the story

♪ 'Bout the joker and the thief in the night ♪

Where's Jesus?

He went back.

[GLASS SHATTERING] [OBJECTS CRASHING]

What is going on?

Angel and a demon fighting.

You ready?

Ready.

[DISTANT SCREAMING]

I hope you haven't started the apocalypse without me.

[CHUCKLES] Of course not, Holiness.

Mr. Hitler.

Your reputation precedes you.

I won't shake your hand.

I know what you've done.

But,

as the redeemer,

I will give you a hug.

[SIGHS]

Gentlemen.

[JESUS CLEARS THROAT]

Shall we begin?

Yeah.

TULIP: You ever been to Australia?

CASSIDY: No, but I hear it's right deadly.

TULIP: Yeah. Sharks, right?

CASSIDY: Mmm-hmm. And spiders and snakes and bloody crocodiles.

Bats as big as eagles. Koalas have chlamydia out there.

Did you know that? It's like a bloody slaughterhouse.

TULIP: Seriously? Cool.

[GROANS]

Someone comes along... sends you to hell...

An apology can't beat a bullet in the brain.

[GROANS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]