Original subtitles

Mr Marcus Skinner,

care of the English Department, Stanford University.

Dear Mr Skinner.

My name is Shaun Brumder, and I think you're a total genius.

I live in California, in a place called Orange County.

A year ago, I was just another Orange County surfer,

spending my days at the beach with my buddies...

...playing volleyball...

Spike it, Shaun!

...spending my nights around a bonfire, partying.

School was always a walk for me. I did pretty well without trying too hard.

Tropical storm three miles off Laguna. Let's go, dude! Surf's up!

But I was easily distracted.

-What about next period? -Twenty-footers, man! Screw your period.

Twenty-footers!

Then, last April,

me and my crew drove out to Emerald Cove,

to catch some major tsunami waves.

I don't know, you guys.

Dude, face the fear.

This is intense!

Righteous!

Lonny always said that he wanted to die eating foam in a massive wipe-out,

but I bet he's up in heaven right now...

After Lonny drowned, I did some heavy meditating.

I thought, maybe there's more to life

than extreme sports and trying to get laid.

Maybe there's a bigger purpose for me,

and I've just been too high to figure it out.

I was sitting on the beach, totally cogitating.

I looked down, and there, in the sand, was a copy of your book.

It was like a sign, like your book was calling out to me.

Read me.

For the next few days, I read it from cover to cover.

Your book totally captured what it's like to be a teenage.

The excitement, the confusion, the horniness.

Sometimes I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to puke and die.

Other times, I cried.

Shaun, are you OK?

It's just so sad.

I read your book 52 times that month,

and I finally realized what I wanted to do with my life.

I want to be a writer.

I've been writing ever since. It's all I ever do.

All day and all night sometimes.

It was hard to get going, but once I did, I couldn't stop.

I'm like a machine, and nothing else matters.

Guys, I'm selling my board.

-Dude. -No!

I don't have time to surf.

-I need to focus on my writing. -What?

My friends think I've lost my mind.

He's lost his mind.

Let's get lit and go jump off the roof of my house.

Now you're talking.

I need some feedback, and there's no one here to help me.

I've got your story here, Shaun. Wow!

I have the sneaking suspicion that my English teacher is illiterate.

I noticed you used a lot of big words.

Nice. Good for you.

It was quite long, so I didn't read the whole thing,

but who cares 'cause I gave you an A.

My brother, Lance, is perpetually recovering from the night before.

I'm sorry, I don't feel good.

My girlfriend's the only one who's actually read my work,

but she's always so positive, it's hard to take her seriously.

It's, like, the best story I've ever read.

Really?

It's funny and original.

I mean, I think it could be a movie.

I don't know if Orange County is the best environment

for an aspiring writer,

so I'm applying to Stanford to study with you.

You are a shoo-in.

Do you think I should apply to some safety schools?

No need. Don't you be a scaredy-cat.

There's no doubt in my mind that you're gonna go to Berkeley.

Stanford.

Yeah, Stanford's where you're going, Mister.

I'm sending you a copy of my story.

Hopefully, with your wisdom and guidance, I will one day be a real writer.

I look forward to seeing you in the fall, Mr Skinner.

Your greatest admirer, Shaun Brumder.

-Watch it, man! -Why are you doing lying in here?

Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test.

I need your urine.

Can I score some of your piss?

-Yeah. -Awesome, man.

What are you doing?

-Bob? -Don't yell at me!

Don't yell at me.

Bob, are you OK?

Mom!

Hey, Mom!

-What? -Something's wrong with Bob.

Did you feed him his pills today?

I don't know.

Is he OK?

You've got to remember to feed him his pills, Mom.

Lupe, did you give Bob his pills?

I'm not a nurse.

Shaun, you've got to get rid of her right now.

OK, baby? She has a bad attitude.

And she's... You stole my PalmPilot!

You did.

Admit it.

-That's it! -No, you did.

Yeah, it's over.

OK.

What? What's wrong? What happened?

What did she say?

She's sorry, and she thinks you're an incredible lady.

Hey, listen, Mom.

When the mail comes, will you call me on my cell?

'Cause I'm supposed to hear from Stanford today.

OK.

Oh, come on, don't get upset, Mom.

All right? You knew this day was gonna come.

I'm just going to college.

It's not like I'm leaving the planet.

Mom, get a grip.

No, I won't. I'm going back to bed.

Charlie, check this out. You've got to help us out, OK?

-This punk... You're a punk! -Don't call me a punk.

I know what you're gonna say, Shaun.

You remember the night we all went golfing?

And I paid for everyone.

-Who paid for parking, bro? -This stinge-king over here...

I don't remember you ever paying for anything in your sorry life.

Of course you don't remember, when someone else does.

But when you pay it's like stop the press.

Hey, did you guys know it's April 15?

A year ago today, Lonny died.

-Hey, dude. That's true. -I can't believe it's been a whole year.

Well, I was thinking that you know,

maybe we should do something in his memory.

Yeah, we should pull a killer prank. We should jump off something, dudes.

Yeah, bro, or blow something up.

Maybe we should go on down to Emerald Cove and have a little surf in Lonny's memory.

Dude, Shaun doesn't surf anymore, stupid.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. He doesn't surf, skate or pick his butt.

He's a writer boy now, or whatever he does locked in his room all day.

Principal Harbert, as you may know,

there was an oil spill off the coast of Redondo,

and today's paper just says hundreds of seagulls have been affected.

So I propose a school-sponsored fundraiser,

with all the proceeds going to the seagull rehabilitation fund.

As the community service leader, I think we would be morally remiss

if we did nothing for these seagulls.

Fine.

One more. Last one.

After this,

we let all sick and endangered animals die horrible deaths.

Agreed?

Now, people, June is just around the corner.

Let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?

Toni Morrison.

She's in town that same weekend for a book signing.

She's won the Nobel Prize.

Interesting.

Dana, didn't you say you have a cousin who's friends with Britney Spears?

Yeah, best friends.

Now, when I say Romeo and Juliet, who comes to mind?

-Dana? -Claire Danes.

That's right. Claire Danes. Who else?

-Leonardo DiCaprio. -Right. Who else?

Someone else was involved in that movie

who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo DiCaprio.

And his name's William Shakespeare.

And some great movies are based on his plays.

"Hamlet".

"West Side Story".

"The Talented Mr Ripley".

"Waterworld".

"Gladiator".

"Chocolat".

Mr Burke.

As you know, my boyfriend drowned in a surfing accident.

I don't think I can handle "Romeo and Juliet" right now, emotionally.

Tanya, Lonny died a year ago.

Well, sometimes it takes decades to recover from a tragedy like this.

You only went out with him for two weeks.

Tanya, your mom's outside. She says you got into Stanford!

-Hello. -Hey, Lance, can you do me a favor?

-Who are you looking for? -It's Shaun.

Shaun, pick up the phone!

He's not here.

What?

Lance, will you please just go to the door and tell me if the mail's there.

-I'm begging you. -Fine, fine.

Do I have to turn on your computer?

No, no, just go to the front door.

The mail would be in the mailbox.

OK.

You owe me one, buddy.

Yeah, it's here.

-Today's the big day, Gary. -Wow.

Look at me...

Lance, where is it?

Come on.

Where is it? Come on, where's the mail?

-I don't know. -What? Are you sitting on it?

Dude, I see it on the floor.

-Push him. -Bob.

Bob, I'm moving your chair.

This is it.

This is my future, right here in this envelope.

-Hey, you're blocking the tube. -Oh, sorry.

"We regret to say that your application to Stanford was not accepted."

Wait. What?

I didn't get in?

I didn't get in?

What...?

But...

I don't get it!

No!

I don't under...

You're overreacting, dude.

I didn't get into college, and check me out.

I'm kick-ass.

Shaun? Shaun?

What's wrong?

Something horrible's happened.

Is Bob dead?

Did something break?

I got rejected from Stanford.

Oh, Shaun. Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

I'm so sorry.

You're just going to have to go somewhere closer to home. That's all.

And you get to keep living here with Lance and Bob and me!

OK, and are you a student here?

Yes, I'm a student here.

I'm Shaun Brumder. I'm the class president.

And you didn't get into Stanford?

Too bad. Tough break.

Where else did you apply?

Nowhere. You told me I was a shoo-in.

Nowhere? Not even a safety school?

-You said "shoo-in". -Let's calm down.

Let's see what we can do. I'm just gonna pull up your file.

Well, looks here like your GPA is 2.5, and your SATs combined are 940.

No, no that's low.

940? No, I had a 1520.

No, it says 940.

That's not my transcript.

That's Shane Brainard's transcript.

-And you are? -Shaun Brumder.

No.

No, you didn't.

You couldn't have.

You sent in the wrong transcript?

What's up, Shane?

You guys, I got into Stanford.

Cool.

I applied as a joke and they let me in. I'm freaking out.

-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did.

-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did!

You just don't throw accusations around here.

-This is nobody's fault. -Yes, it is! It's your fault!

You know you're screeching at me.

Because you're a moron. Now, listen to me, lady!

Code Red! Code Red!

Call 911! Code Red! Call 911!

Hey, watch it!

Tanya, I got into...

...Yale!

I've got to get out of here.

I've got to get out of Orange County.

Shaun, where are you going?

I'm going to my dad's.

All right, I'm gonna go in there

and I'm gonna say to my dad that he abandoned our family,

and he if he wants to make it up to me, well, then he can start now

by making a massive donation to Stanford.

Shaun, OK, remember when all the sea lions

kept beaching themselves in Corona Del Mar,

and nobody was doing anything about it?

Well, me getting all hysterical didn't help anything.

This is it, Ashley.

I'm gonna tell my dad that I want to be a writer.

Hey, good luck.

Thanks.

Who are you?

I'm Shaun.

I'm your brother.

-What are you sucking on? -My poody.

Well, aren't you a little old for a poody?

Jake, what did you just do?

Go pick up your poody or you're gonna get a time out, mister.

-No. -Pick up your poody.

-No. -That's it!

Rosa, take Jake upstairs and give him some Ritalin.

-I don't like your attitude. -I don't like your attitude.

Isn't he getting big?

So what's up with you?

You look great.

You've really filled out.

Your arms and your chest.

-You been working out? -No.

Bud is getting so fat.

You should really talk to him.

He's going to have a heart attack.

Plus, he's fat.

Goddamn it! Are you trying to ruin me?

Yeah, where is my dad?

If you do this, I will eat your face.

Come, my lady, come, come, my lady

You're my butterfly, sugar, baby My lady...

Oh, puppy! Oh, God!

Oh, my God, puppy!

A writer!

What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed or gay.

Not all writers are gay.

Yeah, well, they're all poor. I can tell you that.

That's not true.

What about Tom Clancy, Stephen King, Anne Rice?

Three people in the history of literature.

The truth is, I don't care about making money.

Shaun, I have a burst blood vessel in my brain.

I could die at any moment.

But I keep plugging away, day after day,

because I want to leave you with something special, a business.

A legacy.

-I want my poody! -Hey, pal. Control yourself.

Can you give me that back?

-I want my poody. -Where's your mother?

-Rosa, will you get in here? -I'm coming.

Rosa, will you get him out of here?

Doesn't he need a nap?

I want him to learn some limits.

Shaun...

This is my life's work here.

When I started out, I had nothing. Now look at me.

I've eight and a half million square feet in Irvine alone.

It's a goddamn empire, and I want to leave it to you.

This is the life I want for you.

Yeah, but what about what I want?

You wanna be a writer?

Well, before that you wanted to be a professional surfer,

so it's a little hard to take you seriously, Shaun.

Fine.

I don't want your money.

But just for the record, Dad, you've never done anything for me.

It's always been about you.

What the...?

It's over.

I should just drive my car in the ocean and get it over with.

Shaun, don't say that.

He was running across PCH. He didn't have a tag.

Was I going to leave him there? No.

I mean, he'd get killed.

Shaun, I have something to confess.

What?

You know how you told me that every night before you go to bed

you'd pray that you'd get into Stanford?

Yeah.

Well, the other night, I prayed for something, too.

What?

I prayed that you wouldn't get into Stanford.

Why?

Well, I didn't really think it was gonna work!

And I was just sitting here thinking,

"Wow, my prayer was answered and I should be happy."

I mean, I got into OCU and now maybe you can go to OCU, too.

And you can study Creative Writing and I can study Marine Biology

and we can be together.

But then, I started feeling really guilty.

I mean, this was your dream.

And I'm just being selfish.

I just feel awful.

No. Ashley, this is not your fault.

Well, I at least want to try and make it up to you.

Thanks, but I really don't think there's anything you can do.

Well, maybe there is.

Tanya's grandfather was on the board at Stanford.

And Tanya's my friend, so maybe she can help us.

My grandfather is not gonna bend over backwards for just anyone.

Tanya, please, can't you just help us?

Can't you see I'm busy?

Why don't check on the dog.

Give him some water, OK? I'll take care of this.

Tanya...

We need to have a little chat.

Excuse me.

Look, Shaun's my boyfriend, and I would do anything for him.

Even that means breaking a promise to you.

What promise?

Halloween.

Dana's little brother.

Everyone knows about that.

Maybe...

but they don't know about Lonny's memorial.

I miss Lonny.

Me too.

Hey, I miss Lonny, too.

But Ashley, you promised.

And what about prom night?

Hi, Grammy, it's Tanya.

Hi, how are you?

Yeah, is Grandpa there?

You are so awesome.

-But hey, we should go. -Yeah.

Tanya's grandfather wants to meet you in person.

I wanna meet him.

Yeah, he and his wife are gonna come by your house at 5.

-My house? -Yeah.

Do you know who lives at my house?

That's right, Lupe. Just cover his whole head.

Who are you?

I'm your wife. Cindy.

We met in Maui.

Hey, Shaun. Look, Bob's still bleeding.

What's this...? Oh, what is...?

Oh, my God!

He likes you.

Yes.

We found him on PCH.

Get him out of the house. I don't allow dogs in here.

But he's so sweet.

Call the Humane Society.

They'll have him put to sleep for you.

Hey, Ash, don't you think we should put out

something like cheese and crackers or something?

God, they're gonna be here in like 15 minutes.

-Yeah, I know. -Who's coming?

Mom, you might want to put on something more... you know.

More what? More what?

What's going on?

Shaun.

Shaun, what's...? What's happening?

OK, OK. Sit down, sit down, OK?

Sit.

Don't be nervous,

but someone very important is coming over to the house.

And he's bringing his wife.

And if he likes me, he's gonna get me into Stanford.

They're coming over now?

Yeah, they're gonna be here in a couple of minutes.

Shaun.

The house is a mess and Bob is bleeding.

And you can't expect me to drop everything I'm doing

and just entertain these strangers.

Drop what? What were you doing?

Look, this is my last chance to get into Stanford.

I know, honey, and it's not a good day for me.

-But I have to go to college. -Why?

Because that's what you do after high school.

Please don't do this to me, all right? Please don't sabotage me.

Because every time I try to depend on you,

you start acting like a total lunatic.

Oh, Shaun.

Mom.

Mom.

I'm sorry.

So now I'm a bad mother?

No, no, you're not.

Will you please just put on some clothes?

I sacrificed a lot for you, Shaun.

I sacrificed Damian for you.

Your tennis instructor.

He was beautiful and Serbian.

And when your father left, I almost married him.

And if I had, we'd be living in a condo clipping coupons

and eating lunch meat, so I didn't.

I married Bob, for you.

I had sex with Bob four times, for you.

How can you say I'm a bad mother?

I'm not saying that.

Mom, you know that money can't buy happiness.

Oh, grow up. Yes, it can.

You and Dad both have money and you're both miserable.

He's miserable?

Shaun, did he say that?

Mom, this is the most decisive day of my life

and all I'm asking for is one hour,

with no big scenes, and no nervous breakdowns,

no Meryl Streep impressions.

Just one hour when you act like a normal, loving parent.

Can you do this for me?

Oh, Shaun.

Yes, I can.

Thank you, Mom.

I'll need a glass of wine. There's some chardonnay in the fridge.

Oh, OK.

I'll be right back. Don't move.

Oh, Ash, I'm really nervous.

Don't be. Everything'll be fine.

They're early.

Lance. Lance.

Some very important people are coming over to the house,

so I need you to stay in your room.

-Why? -Because you're an embarrassment.

Oh, OK.

-Shaun. -Shaun. Shaun.

Mom, they're here.

I look like a pinata.

Yeah, you look great. Just remember what I said.

No big drunken scenes, OK?

Yeah.

OK. Lupe's with Bob, Lance is in his room,

and Mom is dressed.

-How do I look? -Very handsome.

-Now, just be yourself. -OK.

OK. Come on.

You must be Shaun.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, Mr Gantner. Please come in.

Mrs. Gantner. Thank you so much for coming.

-This is my girlfriend, Ashley. -Hi.

-Hello, Ashley. -You're friends with Tanya.

Tanya's very upset by your situation.

I don't like it when my granddaughter is upset.

Tanya has Arthur wrapped around her little finger.

-That's right. -Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Cindy Armand Beugler.

-Hello, I'm Arthur Gantner. My wife, Vera. -How do you do?

Hello. Welcome.

Excuse me!

Won't you please make yourselves at home.

Thank you... Thank you... Thank you, thank you...

Thank you.

So, Shaun, tell us about yourself.

Well, I'm a National Merit Scholar, straight A student,

and I want to be a writer.

Do you like John Grisham? I sure do.

Shaun's also our class president,

and he was the representative at our model UN.

He's a fabulous kid, Mr Gantner.

Arthur, please. Call me Arthur.

Even as a little boy, he was so smart.

I miss those days.

Yeah, the last few years have been really hard.

Yeah.

I helped my former husband start his business

and as soon as he gets a little money, he starts screwing around on me.

Oh, my goodness.

Then he left me for a 20-year-old he met at the gym.

Yeah, I walked in on them at a motel in La Jolla.

She's got him naked and handcuffed to the bed.

So we divorced,

I remarried, then this new one, Bob, he starts falling apart.

And it's just one shitstorm after the other.

Shaun, let me in.

-Hurry up. -Come on.

Yo, bro, we heard you tried to kill Mrs Cobb.

-Are you on a violent rampage, dude? -What do you want?

All right, check it out.

We thought, in Lonny's memory, we could go down to Emerald Cove,

and we could take his board and push it out into the ocean.

-Yeah, or blow it up. -Right.

Dudes, that sounds like a great idea, all right, and we'll do it.

But I can't right now because I got some very important people over, so...

Whoa!

More important than us, huh?

-No. -More important than Lonny?

Of course not.

Yeah, right, bro.

-This is his birthday, man. -Shut up, man.

Like his death birthday.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

You know what? Just go hang with your little VIPs, all right?

That's right, man. Sorry we intruded on your tea party.

Yeah, if you need us,

we'll be out in the van, picking each other's butts.

-Yeah. -Naked.

So I visited Stanford in the fall. It's a beautiful campus.

Isn't it lovely? We go up there for football games.

And, of course, Arthur was on the board, so...

Excuse me.

Sorry. Shaun, have you seen my piss?

My parole officer called. He wants that piss.

'Cause, man, I know I got it around here.

Lance, don't you see that we have company?

Hey, what's up? Oh, there it is.

I am so sorry.

OK, look, somebody's got to fill this up or I'm going to jail, all right?

Would you just get out of here?

Fine.

I'd like to protose a toast.

Shaun has been a wonderful son, and I want him to be happy.

I'm going to be all alone.

-Dear God! -Pills!

Mom, you didn't give Bob his medication.

Excuse me for a minute.

Dude. Dude.

Dude! Where are Bob's pain pills?

-No, this is Excedrin. -It's a decoy.

I put my stash in aspirin bottles.

Yellow are painkillers. They go in the Excedrin.

Lance, listen to me, all right I need Bob's pain pills.

Bob, doesn't have any pain pills.

-Yes, he does. -Not anymore.

-I sold them, but these are good. -What?

No, no, no, wait.

Yellow are not painkillers, they're speed.

No, they're the X. The painkillers are in the Tylenol.

Give him one of these. It'll knock him right out.

Thanks.

Wait, please! Mr Gantner, where are you going?

You people are sick.

Your mother's a drunk, your brother's a pervert.

-Shame on you for abusing an old man. -He's fine. Tell them you're fine, Bob.

Look, I know how this looks, all right?

But I do everything I can for Bob. I love Bob.

Stanford is for the best and the brightest,

the future leaders of America.

You'll never go to Stanford as long as I have a breath in my body.

Watch your fingers.

-What happened? -You went for a ride, Bob.

-Shaun, are you OK? -Shaun? Shaun!

I got you, buddy.

You should sue, man.

This isn't right. Sue the school.

Shut up, Lance.

Or you know what? Just go to Stanford anyway.

Go up there and take the classes. Don't take no for an answer.

Just say, "Hey, I'm going here, kiss my ass."

-That's actually a good idea. -What is?

I should. I should go up to Stanford.

If I talk with the dean of admissions face to face,

and tell him my situation, he's got to let me in.

I can get you there in three hours.

You're getting into Stanford, buddy.

-I know it. I know it. -Thanks, man.

I have a question for you.

No, I've got something to say.

I'm going to do something with my life.

Yeah, man.

Good.

Dude, I got these ideas.

I got so many ideas burning through my skull, buddy.

Like, I don't know, like hats and shirts, like Stussy.

And you know what? Stussy got started making...

hats and shirts for surfers in Hawaii.

Now he's, like, a millionaire. He parties in Hawaii, 24-7, buddy.

I could do something like that. Don't you think, huh?

-Yeah. -Like a fucking shirt that says "Loser".

Or I don't know, like... "Talk to the Hand".

Or something like that, man. Those would sell.

Or I got these ideas, like a hat. A big old hat that goes...

You know... That's got to sell.

Watch the road, dumb ass!

People have written me off, man. Did you know that?

People have written me off.

-My dad, for one. -Just keep your eyes on the road.

Dude, I'm going to have the last laugh because here's why.

Some little chumps go to college. Some little chumps stay home.

Some little chumps eat roast beef. Some little chumps have none.

But this little chump Os gonna cry, "wee, wee" all the way to the biz-neck.

-Know what I'm saying? -Yeah, yeah.

-I love you, dude. -I love you, too.

We don't say it enough.

We don't say it enough and it's true and it's not the drugs, buddy.

Hi.

-Hi. -I need to talk to the dean of admissions.

Well, it's 10:30 at night, so he's not here right now.

I know, but you see, this is an emergency.

Yeah, I'm sure, but you'll have to come back tomorrow, though.

Could you maybe just give us his phone number?

What? His phone number?

Please, you guys.

Cut me some slack.

Come back tomorrow, all right? We're closed, OK?

That is such crap.

That is such crap!

Shaun, screw her.

You know what? Screw her.

-Are you cold? You want my jacket? -Yes, please. Thank you.

Man, she thinks she's so smart because she goes to Stanford.

Well, I'm smart, too. You watch.

I'm going to pull a MacGyver.

I will break in through a window, I'll look around, and find a...

What do you call that thing? Directory.

You stay here. I'm gonna be back in 15 minutes, with the directory.

Reconnoitre, 15.

Well, the dean's probably listed.

You could just call information.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, cutie.

What do you want?

Well...

...the question is...

...what do you want?

Listen.

Do you want me to call Public Safety?

Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?

I'll take that as a maybe.

-Yes. -Hi, Mr Durkett?

-Yeah. -You're such a liar!

Girls, Gina, Stephanie, I told you. Knock it off.

Dad, Stephanie stole my flip-flop.

So deal with it, Gina.

Go.

Yes?

Hi, I'm Shaun Brumder.

I need to talk to you about my application.

It's late. I've got to get up for a 7:00 flight.

But there's been a big mistake.

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. Goodnight.

-Yes? -Hi, Mr Durkett.

We drove all the way here from Orange County.

And can't you just give us five minutes of your time, please?

OK, you have five minutes. Go.

OK. Stanford University was my first choice, all right.

In fact, I didn't even apply to any other schools.

But my college counselor sent you the wrong transcript.

-Show me your transcript. -I left it in the car.

I'm just gonna go get it.

It's just gonna take two seconds. Please don't go anywhere.

OK.

Don.

Where are our bathing suits?

There's a dive bag, a green mesh dive bag on the floor of my closet.

Look in there.

-Who are these people? Get rid of them. -All right.

Could I have one of those?

Oh, yeah.

Thank you. My head is killing me.

Oh, take two or three.

Thank you.

Yeah, or you can just have the whole bottle.

-Thank you. -When you're done down there,

I need help closing my suitcase.

OK, I'll be up in five minutes.

Coming.

-Oh, come on. -Jesus, you look like a beast.

Where's Shaun? I need to talk to him.

Driving to Stanford. He's having a crisis, if you didn't know.

I know all about it, thank you.

Yeah, you're such a good father.

So good to your kids.

I need a drink. Do you have any beer, Coyote Ugly?

This is an excellent transcript.

You should be very proud. But what can I tell you?

If I'd had this by January 21st, you might have had a shot, but...

Don, I need you.

Excuse me.

-All right, now, what is the big deal? -He's going to say no.

Hey, don't let him say no.

-It's gonna be fine. -OK.

Thanks.

So what's up with your brother and aspirin?

Does he like get a lot of headaches or what?

What's that smell?

What am I sitting in?

Relax. It's just urine.

You know, your son was being a real brat today,

a real pain in the ass.

-My son? -He said I was selfish.

He said that everything's always about me.

He called me a drama queen, said I was trying to sabotage him.

So how's Bob?

How's what's-her-face?

She's sleeping around.

No!

I can't talk to her.

She doesn't play tennis.

She's not a good mother.

She's not like you.

Want another beer?

Look...

Sometimes I leave the office at the end of the day

and I get into my car and head home...

...and 15 minutes later, I'm here.

Parked in front of this house.

It's annoying.

It's totally out of my way.

I made a mistake and I'm tired of paying for it.

I want you back.

You're such an asshole.

Which ones were they?

-Excedrin. -Excedrin.

OK. Excedrin are... pain pills.

Pain pills.

No! Oh, my God!

What?

We just gave the dean of admissions three hits of...

Where were we?

Well, Mr Durkett, to me, Stanford's not just a school,

it's my entire reason for living.

Every night before I went to bed, I'd pray I'd get into Stanford.

And I worked really hard,

and when all my friends were out having fun,

I stayed in and studied.

That's good. That's what you have to do.

Eight-two percent.

Wait a second.

I like you.

What's your name?

Shaun.

Shaun. Shaun.

I like you.

I do. I don't know why.

I just like you.

Thanks.

I feel so good!

Is it me or is it, like, hotter than hell in here?

Can you help me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. Yes, I can.

No.

There's no time. I'm leaving.

I'm going to Bali.

I'm going to Bali with my family.

I love them so much.

I need water or I need to lie down.

Hey, before you do that...

Shaun, you're my same height.

That is neat.

Yeah, it is. Hey, listen, let's go to your office,

and you can add my name to the acceptance list

before you leave for Bali.

Sounds good. Sounds good. Yeah.

Oh, man, the lights are, like, vivid!

Well, it's a beautiful night.

-You're so beautiful! -Thank you.

-You're welcome. -You know, I really appreciate this.

That's OK, Shaun,

'cause I feel like I've known you...

I have a confession.

I never went to college.

It's overrated.

My brother wants to go here next year.

Well, I hope he's on this list.

What's that?

It's a list of people they've accepted.

They rejected him, the jerks.

Don't do that.

When I was little...

...I was a total pyro.

I was, too.

Put that out, man.

Put it out.

-Who are you people? -I'm Shaun Brumder.

You're going to help me get into Stanford and we're at your office.

Oh, my God!

Ray, give a favor, back that engine out.

-We got a knock down. -OK.

That's negatory, Julio. I need you to wedge that popper.

Hey!

Hey.

-What's your name? -Joe... John.

-What is it? -Joe John.

Your name's Joe John?

Johnston. Johnston, Joe.

-You wanna tell me what happened here? -There was a fire.

I don't know. I came by and was...

...checking out the fire.

Well, that lady, Mona,

said that you two were in the building when the fire started.

Yeah. She's a liar 'cause I don't know her,

so whatever she says is a lie, so...

OK, so you're saying weren't in the building with that woman?

No, not I.

All right.

She started it, all right.

Because she was like, "I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down."

And I said, "You better not. You better not."

-She said it was an electrical fire. -It was, a total electrical fire.

It was like the switches had sparks coming out,

and the sockets and...

It was like the Fourth of July, man.

Why aren't you wearing your pants, Joe?

I tripped, then I had to take them off to run faster out of the flames.

I think I inhaled some smoke.

Will you excuse me one second? I'll be right back.

We've got a sprinter. Five foot five, no pants, unkempt...

...portly.

You'll be fine.

Wait. Wait a second, Mr Durkett.

This guy thinks he's the dean of admissions.

Shaun.

Shaun.

Shaun, it's so psychedelic.

Buddy, I light one match, and the building blows up.

Well, I was just trying to help you, bro.

By setting the building on fire?

I was high.

You're always high.

You're a drugged-out loser.

You think you're going to create a T-shirt company?

You can't even dress yourself.

Harsh.

Shaun, I'm so sorry.

I should've seen this coming.

The one day I need my family to come through for me,

they end up doing what they always do.

My father goes ballistic, my mother gets plastered,

and my brother burns down a building.

It's like they've all come together in some evil conspiracy

to prevent me getting anywhere.

Is that what you think?

What else am I supposed think?

You know, I really believed that you wanted to go to Stanford

because you wanted to study with Marcus Skinner.

That's not it, is it?

What are you talking about?

You want to run away.

You want to be free of everybody.

And you think by coming up here you're gonna meet people that are smarter,

and saner, and better.

You know, if you went to Stanford that would be the end of us.

It doesn't seem to me like that's ever crossed your mind.

Oh, Ashley, come on.

Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get in to Stanford.

But if you think that going here is the only way

you can be the person you want to be...

...then I just feel sorry for you.

Bud!

Bud!

What's going on? Why are you doing in that bathrobe?

I'm not gonna lie to you, Krista.

Did you sleep with your ex-wife?

I want a divorce.

Really?

You can have the house.

Really?

What about Jake?

I thought we could share custody.

OK. Great.

Hey, but can you take him tonight

'cause there's this new club in Newport that's supposed to be totally bitchin'?

OK.

Thanks, Bud.

You have my pager number and my cell phone number.

If you need me, just call me and...

-I think this is a great idea. -Good.

-Later. -Later.

Yes!

What are you reading?

Faulkner.

He's a great writer.

Yeah. Sure.

You're an English major?

No.

I don't even go here.

So you're just visiting.

I should probably go.

OK. It was nice meeting you.

Hey.

I'm going to a party.

You wanna, maybe come check it out?

So do you like Faulkner?

He's OK. I mean, he's kind of boring.

I think I might just get the Cliff Notes.

-Hey, Gretchen. -Hey.

There are some serious cuties at this party.

And lock me up because I am horny.

Guys, this is Shaun.

-Hi. -Hi.

Hi.

-Oh, my God, this is our song! -Oh, my God. They're playing our song!

Scrabble? I love Scrabble.

Last time I played I actually, I threw down the word mazzard.

It's a type of small cherry tree.

I even got 50 bonus points.

So, you don't look familiar. Are you a freshman?

No, not even. I'm still in high school.

Oh, did you apply to Stanford?

No, no, I'm going to Orange County University.

That's where I'm from. Orange County.

Really? I've heard of Orange County.

Yeah, I love it there.

The weather's great, people are nice.

I really want to be a marine biologist,

so it's really the perfect place for me to study.

So what about you?

I'm a Comparative Literature major.

Yeah, I want to be a writer.

Fiction, poetry, screenplays, whatever, you know.

Actually, I have an idea for a TV show.

It's about vampires... ostensibly.

But underneath, it's actually about the reunification of Germany.

But it's funny, I mean...

Yeah, my boyfriend wants to be a writer too.

Your boyfriend?

Yeah, Shaun. He's really talented.

He wrote this great story about growing up in Orange County,

and it's just really funny and smart.

But I mean, it doesn't really matter what I think, so...

Why not?

Shaun?

Hey.

What's up?

Is this your boyfriend?

What, are you, like, spying on me?

No!

I was just up on the balcony and...

Yeah, I was spying on you. Who's this?

I'm Kip.

Yeah, Kip. Let's go inside where we can be alone.

Oh, come on, Ash.

Ashley.

Mr Skinner?

Hi.

Hi.

You're Marcus Skinner.

You're a good writer.

Thank you.

I'm obsessed with you, Mr Skinner.

Not in a sexual way or a romantic way or anything like that.

Just... your writing.

I'm Shaun Brumder. I wrote you a letter a couple of months ago.

-I sent you one of my stories. -"Orange County".

Yeah.

Yeah... Wait.

Did you read it?

Oh, yes, it was a great story.

I can't...

I'm sorry...

It's been a long day.

Could you just say that, what you just said, just one more?

It was a great story. I really enjoyed it.

Mr Skinner, I...

Dude...

You have no idea what that means to me.

The characters are unique.

Well-drawn.

The mother...

...drunk, arguing with all the maids.

The brother always passing out everywhere.

I loved the girlfriend.

The bleeding-heart animal freak. She was my favorite.

You really love your characters. It comes through in the writing.

Thank you.

I never really thought about it that way.

My only criticism...

Yes, oh, please, it's what I need.

You need an ending.

I know.

I know. I just don't know how to end it.

You should figure that out.

Maybe I can help you.

Well...

I didn't get in to Stanford.

Yeah, so...

...it means I can't work with you.

I want to be a good writer, Mr Skinner,

but I'm just afraid that if I don't get out of Orange County,

it's never going to happen.

You don't have to be afraid of that, Shaun.

You are a good writer.

And every good writer has a conflicted relationship

with the place where he grew up.

Joyce, Faulkner, Tolstoy.

And that's what I remember loving about your story.

It's very conflicted.

Because at the beginning, you think these people are doomed.

I mean, this family's heading for disaster.

An then, as you read on, you see that there exist,

beneath the surface, these very real connections,

these deep relationships.

What I took from your story is this,

that even in a world where people can be superficial and stupid and selfish,

there's still hope.

Was that the message you were trying for?

Shaun, Shaun, Shaun.

Shaun, Shaun, Shaun, over here.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

-God, Lance! -I'm sorry.

It's just a nick.

Dude, you'll never believe who I just met.

-Who? Who? -Marcus Skinner.

I met Marcus Skinner!

-What? Who? -The writer.

He liked my story! He liked my story!

Shut up! That's awesome, but I am going to prison!

-What? -Yes.

The cops are right on my ass. Now, listen, I've been thinking about it.

We are going to Mexico, buddy, right now.

-Oh, Lance! -Please.

Oh, God.

OK, all right, fine.

We're leaving, we're leaving but we've got to get Ashley first.

No, I'm sorry.

No, that's not in the cards, bro.

Listen, she'll be fine.

Just forget about her.

Some dude will pick her up and give her a nice bed to sleep in.

-Lance. -OK, we will go and get her.

But you're gonna follow me, 'cause I am an expert at excaping.

Let's go! Fast excapes!

Fast excapes are my expertise. Come on.

Be careful.

Follow me.

Lance, are you OK?

Go get the Bronco, Shaun, and come back for me.

-OK. -Dude...

Promise me, dude.

Yeah, I promise.

The whole time I'm thinking it's the alternator,

my bro says, "No, bro, it's the carburetor."

And it turned out he was right.

Ashley.

Would you get in the car?

I'm mad at you, remember?

I know, but can we talk about it in the car, please?

Hey, you heard her. Why don't you leave her alone?

Hey, butt out, dude.

Ashley, get in the car right now! Get in the car.

No.

Shaun, apologize to her. Tell her you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Dude, come on. Say it like you mean it.

Ashley.

I'm so sorry.

Now tell her you love her.

Tell her you love her.

I love you.

I love you so much.

Good. You love him, he loves you.

Now get... in the damn Bronco.

Ashley, now. Now!

Now!

Kip, it was really nice to meet you.

Get in the car!

-Shaun. -Yeah?

What?

Lance isn't going to be able to hear anything.

He's passed out. He's not going to wake up, I promise.

OK, you don't believe me? Lance.

Lance!

See? Nothing.

He's out cold. Like a light.

Come on.

He'll be fine, I promise.

Clearly, you're not an expert on negotiations,

so let me just walk you through this.

You come in with a proposal that's over the top,

you want a new gymnasium, 40 million dollars,

then I counter with a low ball offer, like 2000 dollars for a medicine ball.

-That is absurd and offensive. -What...?

It's offensive, sir. Stanford University...

-No, no, no. -We already have a medicine ball.

No, you're not hearing me.

No, sir, I believe it's you who's not hearing...

You're not hearing me!

Hey, hey, hey, drink your milk.

I don't want milk. I want my poody.

Well, your poody's been retired.

You're a little big for...

Where are you going?

You don't want the milk, fine. You want some juice?

Yes, OK.

Why don't you go to the fridge, open it up and get yourself some.

And get some for me, while you're at it.

Oh, you're helpful.

Finally some help around here.

-Hey, guys, what's up? -Hey, what's up, dude?

Hey, dude, check this out. Last night, we were at this party,

and little Arlo here decides to profess his undying love for me.

Didn't I tell you he was a fruitcake or what?

Bro, that's not true. This is the real story, dude

Chad crashed at my house, right.

And I woke up in the night, he was fondling my...

Dude, I lost my keys. I was looking for 'em.

You guys want to come in?

All right.

Jake.

Yo.

What are you doing here?

Hello, everybody.

Hey, Bob.

How was your trip?

It was OK.

No, just come back with an offer.

We don't have to dot the I's and cross the T's.

You have your people, I have my people.

I'll call you back. My kids just walked in the door.

-Hi, guys. -Dad, what...

Lupe, I'm sure you're right.

Mom, what's going on?

Shaun, Lance...

Something happened last night.

Your mother and I...

We...

Well...

You banged Mom?

That's not the word I would use but yes, we came together.

Are you serious?

Guess what else we did.

I've been on the phone all morning with Stanford.

Your mother and I donated the money for a new admissions building.

I guess the old one burned down.

We got you in to Stanford, Shaun.

You did that for me?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, bro, way to go, man.

We're stoked, dude.

Yeah, Stanford!

Congratulations, Shaun, that is awesome.

Hey.

I was just up in my room thinking about Faulkner,

and wondering, if he'd left the South,

would he have ever written "Light in August"?

Or what if James Joyce had left Ireland?

I mean, he did leave Ireland, but not in his heart.

And you see what I'm getting at here?

I don't need to go to Stanford to be a writer.

All I need are the people who inspire me, like my friends...

...and my family...

...and you.

So I'm gonna stay.

I'm gonna stay in Orange County.

You are? Boy, oh, boy!

-Stanford sucks! Yeah! -Shaun Brumder rocks!

Dear Mr Skinner,

I'm writing you to say thank you for all your words of wisdom.

It took a while, but I finally realized

Orange County is the perfect environment for an aspiring writer.

Today I went to the beach with a copy of your book.

I left it there by the water.

Maybe another mixed-up kid will stumble upon it,

and maybe it'll change his life like it changed mine.

Later, Mr Skinner.

Yours truly, Shaun Brumder.

Dude, don't touch. I'm lighting the fire, OK?

It was my idea and you're an idiot.

You'll blow off your hand. Just give me the lighter.

No, dude, Lonny would've wanted me to blow up his board.

-No, Lonny thought you were a tool, OK? -Lonny thought you were a fool, dude.

-Hey, guys. What are you doing? -We're gonna blow up Lonny's board, man.

-It's going to be explosive. -We've got so many M-80s.

It's going to be like the Fourth of July.

-Dude, what are you doing? -I'm going surfing.

All right!

Come on, let's go!

All right!