Original subtitles

Unfortunately, we work in an environment

in which the slightest misstep can be twisted and made into

some media controversy, and

I figured that, you know, one of the real important things

for me to contribute to this

national political conversation, is the importance of lightning up

the humor and being natural and relaxed once in a while.

So, why not try this too!

I do too much public speaking to be totally nervous.

But when you're doing stand-up comedy for the first time,

I guess you're obviously

worried about whether you're going to make a complete ass of yourself.

So to that degree,

that's not a prospect one can entirely overlook.

Hi! I am your host and part-time gossip collector, Sapan Verma.

And my guest for today's episode is one of India's coolest politicians.

Yes, I know that's an oxymoron.

But there is no better way to describe Shashi Tharoor.

And helping him in his first attempt at stand-up

is a comedian who eats, breathes and shits politics...

Kunal Kamra.

We met you about 23 hours ago in Bangalore,

-and now here we are. So... -Here we are in Delhi.

Yeah, I think just two things we wanted to say.

One is...

we'll go start the show because the audience is here.

They've already seated now.

Kunal will be performing before you.

He will warm up the audience for you.

-Yes. -He'll perform for almost 15 minutes,

so the audience is set and ready for you.

Just enjoy yourself and I think we'll be fine.

Yeah, I am going to, enjoy myself to the best I can.

-Just have fun. -And if they don't laugh, too bad.

-They didn't get it. -Yeah.

If they don't laugh, we'll blame it on Nehru.

Yeah, that's my last line.

-Okay. Good luck, Dr. Tharoor. -That'll be fun.

-We'll see you in a bit. -All the best.

-All the best. -We'll see you on the stage.

People say that my statements are one-sided.

Of course, it is one-sided.

When did I ever deny it?

Of course, it is one-sided. Have you ever seen the news at nine?

The man who calls himself a journalist...

has created such a mess that I can't even take his name.

Who knows, I might get framed for defamation charges.

Do I need to take his name?

The nation already knows!

If you will wander around naked every day,

then someday someone's definitely gonna see your balls.

Since four and a half years,

he is asking for the resignation of our previous Prime Minister.

Every night in the debate, he says,

"Today, I am here to debate.

Rahul Gandhi is irrelevant to Indian Politics.

He is irrelevant.

That's what he is. Irrelevant!"

"Fine, brother. But then, why did you organize this debate?"

This is what we decided four years ago.

He follows a pattern. He calls a person from Pakistan every night...

and he expresses his feelings to them.

There's no question!

He is expressing his feelings now!

"General Cheema.

First of all, let me tell you Pakistan is a rogue nation.

That's what you all are!

Totally, totally rogue.

Yeah!"

"That is fine but what is the question?"

"No, no, you relax!

You relax. This is my show, I'll decide. You relax.

You relax.

You know, Nepal hates you.

Do you know that?

Do you know that?

Bangladesh hates you!

Hate!

Bhutan, who has no opinion and just monks, even they hate you!

You will be-- GD Bakshi, relax. You too, need to relax, GD Bakshi!"

"You will be left with a begging bowl

in front of America again.

That's what will happen to you. Yeah."

"I'm still cannot understand your question."

Is this some debating culture?

One man has worked his ass off to reach to you.

On his way back home he thinks, "What was the question?

Who am I?

When was I born?"

The watchman tells his mate, "Sir got screwed today!"

I mean, people are going over there.

CPI, the Communist Party's spokesperson is going over there.

There's one who looks like a poor Santa Claus.

He is mute since one and a half year.

He isn't even aware. Since he's a communist, he doesn't have a TV at home.

He just doesn't know.

He is all into it.

He always seems to be mute.

But there came a day when he said something.

Mr. Anchor was busy singing praises.

"The Prime Minister was denied permission for rally by air.

He was denied permission by road.

What did he do?

What did he do?

He took a seaplane.

Is Rahul Gandhi that innovative?"

And then, the CPI spokesperson spoke.

"If a crow puts on peacock's feathers,

it doesn't become a peacock."

The anchor lost it!

He said, "You're gonna give a punchline now, really?"

"What did you say?

What did you say?

What did you say?

What did you say?"

He thought that they couldn't hear him.

He repeats it.

"Hello. All I said was that

if a crow puts on peacock's feathers..."

The anchor couldn't believe that he said it again.

Now he's asking the people around.

"What is he saying?

What is he saying?

What is he saying?"

Again, he thought they couldn't hear him.

He says it again.

"Boss, all I am saying is, if a crow puts on peacock's feathers..."

"Apologize!

This is a racial slur. Apologize."

He refused to do it.

Again, he's in the corner doing Yoga.

Dude, that's wrong. You can't just talk anything about someone.

I would have apologized if it was me.

I mean, one should behave. One should maintain a discourse.

I would have apologized for sure.

I would like to categorically apologize to all crows...

for this unfair comparison.

I have never met a crow.

Has anyone met a dishonest crow?

I have decided.

I want to be born as a maulana in my next birth.

I want to go to his debate as a maulana.

Because there's just one point and purpose of his debates,

"Maulana, you must apologize.

Apologize right now, Maulana.

The country wants an apology, Maulana.

Apologize!"

"Sorry."

What's he gonna do for the next 59 minutes?

The apology has already been made!

"No, no. No, Maulana, no.

You cannot get away with an apology, Maulana.

You cannot get away with an apology.

This is not NDTV, Maulana.

Tell the nation this will never happen again.

Tell them right now, Maulana.

Tell them!"

"This will never happen again.

Also, Mr. Anchor, the temple shall be built over there only!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a quick commercial break.

And after the break, I will get you a new Maulana

who will not apologize.

That's my promise."

Look.

I have said whatever I wanted to,

without taking the name.

So, even if he wishes to file charges on me,

he will first have to accept that he's the asshole.

You guys have been a fabulous audience.

My name is Kunal Kamra. Thank you so much.

Today, in Bengaluru. Tomorrow, in Delhi.

How can a man prepare a stand-up within 24 hours?

You talked to him, right?

It took me two months to get in touch with him, dude!

-Wow! -Almost every day--

You can get in touch with Justin Trudeau faster.

-Hi! -Hello! How are you?

-Hi, I am Sapan. -Hi Sapan, good to see you.

-Nice to meet you. -Yeah.

I came across your name when I was...

writing "The Paradoxical Prime Minister"

and you just got uninvited by that University.

Yeah, and thank you for agreeing to do this with me.

This is my first gainful employment this year.

And mostly the last.

I was watching one of your videos where you were saying that

you have been offered Bollywood movies as well.

Why would you say no to that?

Actually, the role was to play the Foreign Minister of India

-Okay. -at a conference.

It was a five-minute role.

So, I was very tempted.

And then unfortunately, a very cautious friend...

of mine said, "You know,

"if you really wanna be the Foreign Minister one day,

don't play the Foreign Minister."

This is the first time

you're actually getting up on a stand-up comedy stage.

Have you ever been to a live comedy show? You've never been to--

I run this annual meeting of

young leaders from around the world.

Especially, when Sunanda was still alive,

-we used to always host a party... -Okay.

-for these kids in our lawns. -Oh, okay.

At the end of the--

So one evening, we thought let's get a stand-up comic to come and do a...

And I think it was very funny, and they loved it.

So, I've had a stand-up comedy act in my back garden.

But otherwise, it's not something I have time for very often.

-Right. -I was asking Sapan about you.

I asked, "Does Dr. Tharoor have to follow a party line?"

So, if I have a funny Nehru joke, will he do it?

-That maybe not. -That was awesome.

But it's not that there's a party line.

It's just a question of your common sense.

Totally.

A joke is a compliment, to be very honest.

-Oh, I agree. -Say, if you're

a reference in somebody's art,

that's a compliment.

So, is it fair to say that

most Indian politicians don't have a sense of humor?

Oh, yeah.

Unfortunately!

Or if they have a sense of humor, they know better than to show it in public.

-That's true. -Yeah.

-So, that's where I'm going wrong. -That's where you're going wrong.

For someone like me doing this,

not just for the first time, but also for the last time.

-Once-- -Don't say that.

-Come on. -But...

any tips of you pros as to how to relate to the audience, how to...

See again, like the discussion on the material that you want to do...

I think the thing is, if you're talking about anything

that's deeply rooted in emotion, they are with you.

They mirror you.

So, if you're nervous, the audience is nervous for you.

If you're happy, they're happy with you.

If you're angry, they're angry with you.

If you're upset, they're upset.

If you're tentative on saying something in your mind,

the audience is tentative on laughing at it.

Quite right.

-So, they just mirror everything. -We gotta come across...

-totally and ease yourself. -And the theatrics of...

what we see in political speeches,

-are total failure in comedy clubs. -Yeah.

-Because like every joke you deliver, -Right.

I think you look into somebody's eye and deliver it.

It's not like our current Prime Minister looking here, looking there like...

-Looking at his teleprompter. -Looking at his teleprompter.

Look into the people's eyes

with conviction, deliver the joke, and that's when it will work.

-Great. It was nice to hear. -But I think--

I mean the thing is that I have got 24 hours

-to prepare and mug up my lines, so maybe -Yeah.

it'll have to be a bit of improvising whenever I forget.

-Oh, please do. -Totally.

Do I have chocolate on my nose?

-No, you're good. -No, you're good.

And you know speaking in...

as an Indian politician and particularly from Kerala...

Right.

I have had the experience. You know, I began by trying the usual American stunt.

Right.

They always begin a joke. I mean, a speech with a joke.

With a joke.

And here, I would have this dead silence,

after my joke.

And after the third or fourth time, I realized this is not a...

-not a profession -No.

that anyone expects jokes from.

-So, now you don't... -They don't even...

Even when you're cracking a joke, they don't realize you want them to laugh.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-So now, now no jokes in your speeches. -Very impolite.

So, not in Kerala, but when I speak internationally,

-I still follow that formula. -Right.

-Right. -Yeah.

And here, of course, is a chance to try all the jokes that

I've been not been able to put into speeches.

-Please do it. -Yeah, go all out.

We wish you go all out.

We'd love to see you be as uncensored as possible.

Yeah.

So, what jokes do you wanna discuss?

So I mean, I was thinking we'll sort of have to deal with this

-stereotype of the language. -Totally you should.

Some jokes about the English language and words and so on.

-Then something about journalism. -What is your take on that?

Well I mean, it's basically about the fact that all you've got is, all those shouting

-going on. No serious... -Yeah.

serious discussion.

The anchors have made up their mind. They know what they want.

People with opposing views

-are shouted down. -Yeah.

And that's a very serious point to make, or try to make it in a slightly funny way.

-We'll try and do that. -Right.

Sometimes, I get confused about who the spokesperson is and who the anchor is.

-Anchor is, exactly. That's a line. -That was...

-Can I steal that line? -Yes, that's a good line.

Yeah, yeah.

-Is Sambit Patra hosting tonight? -Exactly.

Anyway, and then of course, I've got to

-address the British thing, right? -Yes.

-Yeah. -I mean the fact is that...

it's got so identified with me now.

I think even we can go to them, come back and...

I think now we should hold placards saying,

"Simon, come back and apologize.

And then, go back."

-Simon, come back to apologize. -We'll give you airfare as well.

-We're rich. We have money. -Yeah, but not Jet Airways.

And I am sure, you'll be throwing some subtle BJP jokes.

-I think... -Yeah, please do it.

-I can't not mention Narendra Modi. -Of course.

Please, I'll be offended if you don't.

Yeah, it'll be "No more", instead of "NaMo".

-Yeah, totally. -Yeah.

Before we wrap up, we wanted to do one thing with you.

It's something that we do in every episode, called role reversal.

I pick diplomacy here.

Please teach us how to be diplomatic.

There is a real difference between the way normal people talk...

Right.

and the way diplomats are trained to talk.

I mean, first of all they are trained not to talk.

A diplomat is somebody who thinks twice before saying nothing.

-And then, if they do talk, -Right.

they appear to be very polite, very placatory.

You never tell people directly what you think.

You know, a normal person would say,

"That guy is a real pain in the arse."

And, what would you do if you are a diplomat is you would say,

"The individual in question,

causes me some sharp discomfort in the neck region.

But I would think

that now I have a lower opinion of him."

Lower opinion of him!

-This is I think, we need to learn this. -Awesome.

We should keep some of this ready for tomorrow's show.

Yeah.

I'm going to be diplomatic in life now.

My big worry, of course, is that...

somebody might shout from the audience,

"Shashi, you really suck at this stuff."

-At which point, I'll have to say. -I don't think so.

As a diplomat, you should say,

"Dr. Tharoor, would you not think it far more convenient for you

to be in the audience for the next show,

rather than inflict this agony upon yourself and upon the audience."

This is not going to happen tomorrow. We promise you that.

-The audience is going to be a lot of fun. -You are fine.

You're gonna pack the audience with diplomats.

So, you have 24 hours.

I think we'll-- You have a flight to catch as well.

-I have a flight to catch. -So...

-we will-- -When will I see you guys?

We'll see you tomorrow.

I mean, the jokes are there.

-That's about it. -Thanks.

-Good to meet you guys. -Thank you so much for your time.

-Thank you very much. -And we will see you tomorrow

debuting as a stand-up comedian, Dr. Shashi Tharoor.

That's how I would like to announce you on stage.

I am heading off to the comedy club in Noida,

which I've never been to before.

I also have been a bit desperately short of time

to prepare for this so I am gonna try and

wing it a little bit by reviewing my...

my notes for my stand-up set.

Before we get to the studio, get to the club.

Anyway, it's gonna be fun.

I also feel slightly guilty because a lot of my

friends and colleagues on the one hand

and my adversaries and rivals on the other,

are busy campaigning and I am heading to a comedy club.

Honestly, for me this is the biggest

episode/celebrity just because of how unique it is.

And you don't know how crazy a deal this is

because everybody else on this show has

been a performer, a musician or an actor.

They still know how to learn lines so, I have no idea.

I am worried about Dr. Shashi Tharoor right now.

-I am shit scared! -Why are you so scared?

-Is it for you or him? -For him.

I am not worrying about myself.

I'm cracking the same joke for the past two years. I am sorted.

He seems confident

which doesn't matter because like confidence is not a sign of anything.

They were confident about 2014 Lok Sabha as well.

Like...

I think that confidence is making me more nervous.

-So, I come in like this. -Yes.

Hi, greetings!

I am Shashi Tharoor.

Are you surprised to see me here?

Believe me so am I.

I feel exactly the same way.

They say politics takes you places but, this place?

Okay?

So, if you guys can encourage laughter like that, that's great!

Oh, it's going to be--

Plant a few of these chaps in the audience.

You've got to try everything once.

So they say. I haven't tried everything once. But some things...

like this are probably worth trying, so let's see.

I mean, you know I've written humorous scenes in my fiction but

it's not the same thing.

And it's a kind of process that

neither as a politician nor as a creative writer

have I indulged in.

So, it's a new experience for me. That's fun. I am very happy to have this.

Because there's just one point and purpose of his debates,

"Maulana you must apologize!"

I am underprepared. I know I'm underprepared.

That's why I need all these little notes.

Even if he wishes to file charges on me,

he will first have to accept that he's the asshole.

You guys have been a fabulous audience.

My name is Kunal Kamra. Thank you so much.

What fun that was!

Last month was quite special for me because...

one of my favorite superhero movie was released last month.

You guys know what I'm talking about. Yeah?

PM Narendra Modi, the biopic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the one that I was looking forward to the most.

Now the problem is, it was supposed to release on the fifth of April, right?

But like every other promise, even this one was not delivered on time.

Okay?

Now, I feel bad because here is my concern.

How badly do you need publicity?

You make a movie starring Vivek Oberoi.

Tomorrow if somebody makes a biopic on Vivek Oberoi,

then even Vivek Oberoi will not want to play Vivek Oberoi.

And I'm just saying this out of concern for Mr. Modi.

Because I'll tell you what happens. Sometimes after biopics are released,

specially the kids,

can't differentiate between the actor and the character.

That happens, right? Imagine Vivek Oberoi is at the airport.

Somebody calls him "Mr. Modi".

His life is made.

But what if...

What do you do?

What do you do?

I've realized one thing recently though.

I've realized that the youth of this country

doesn't care about politics anymore.

The youth is not involved in politics.

And I realized why that is.

It's because there's no relatability factor to a politician.

There's no coolness factor.

Because most politicians look like that

building uncle who will not let you play cricket.

That's how most of them look.

And on top of that they say dumb things also.

Like recently, a State Education minister said,

"We should ban girls wearing anklets...

because the sound of anklets distract guys from studies."

He said this. What a dumb thing to say!

But at the same time, as a guy, what a great excuse to have!

Just imagine. Your dad shouts at you, "Son, why have you failed in Physics?"

"Dad because of Neha's anklets.

It's not my fault."

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, speaking of politics,

are you guys ready for your final act of the evening?

-Yeah. -Yes?

Okay, this is a special one for me

because this is the first time we have a politician

debuting as a stand-up comedian for you guys tonight.

Okay. You guys have to be extra supportive and loud for him.

I'll tell you why because he prepared for this between yesterday and today.

Which is only 24 hours, okay.

And this is super tough. I'll tell you who this guy is.

The next guy coming up, he is a bestselling author.

He is a Member of Parliament,

and he is everyone's unofficial English teacher.

For...

Please give it up

for the one and only, Dr. Shashi Tharoor!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you!

Well as you heard, my name is Shashi Tharoor and,

if you are surprised to see me here, believe me, that's exactly how I feel.

Anyway, I mean I'm glad and proud to be the first politician

to make you folks laugh... intentionally.

So before I start my set,

I think I better

ensure that we're all on the same page. So, here is...

a dictionary for your perusal.

For your perusal, sir. You'll find perusal on page 410.

But anyway, I mean the fact is that,

you know I am an MP, I guess you've been told.

I represent Thiruvananthapuram.

Because any constituency of less than

seven syllables would have been a waste of my, linguistic...

It would have been a waste of my linguistic skills.

But the fact is, I was looking for a constituency with a longer name.

Except that Mr. Yogi was busy changing all the names of the cities.

And I knew he wouldn't touch Thiruvananthapuram,

because it already ends with Ram.

But the fact is that

they keep-- Here I got my Panama papers right here.

24 hours of preparation.

But the fact is that...

But the fact is the stuff about my vocabulary is really overdone.

I had a normal childhood, just like all of you guys.

I mean my parents would embarrass me too when guests came over.

"Shashi, why don't you speak English with Uncle?"

And I'd say, "Daddy, please!

I can't entertain this.

Pardon my recalcitrance!"

Anyway, the fact is that

it's really got to a point where

anything I say is assumed by people to be more complicated than it is.

Like today I was ordering lunch at a restaurant and

I said, "Please may I have a Caesar salad?"

And this woman said,

"Oh Shashi, always quoting Shakespeare!"

And I still haven't got my salad!

There seem to be a lot of millennials in this audience, right?

Lot of millennials?

Give yourselves a cheer!

Because nobody else will.

Every time I give an interview these days,

whether in the West or here,

people are trying to say to me,

"Can you translate these words from millennial lingo?"

Like, "Do you know the meaning of FOMO is?"

Now that I know okay, Fear Of Missing Out, right? So...

But I mean if that's the kind of lingo that I should be afraid of missing out,

bring on the FOMO!

I mean like they say for example,

if a millennial finds somebody attractive,

they say she's SNACC?

SNACC?

I mean since when was it a compliment to say to somebody,

"You look like a sabudana vada!" (Indian snack)

Now the fact is that before joining the Indian politics,

I spent 29 years at the UN. The United Nations.

I was in the room when UNESCO declared India's National Anthem

the best National Anthem in the world.

Except that I didn't hear it.

But, but, but I believe because the BJP said so.

And you know shortly thereafter, UNESCO declared

BJP the most truthful party in the world!

Anyway, I mean the fact is I learned that from WhatsApp.

-Do you get your news from WhatsApp, too? -Yes, yes.

Yeah, I mean, I don't blame you because journalism has gone to the dogs, right?

And what are dogs?

What do chowkidars (watchmen) rely on when they want to fall asleep?

So...

Now, the last people who were to appoint themselves,

self-appointed chowkidars (watchmen) of India

were the Brits.

I mean the Brits came and they took a country

which had been the richest country in the world in 1700.

27% of global GDP.

And they reduced it to the poorest country in the world

200 years later when they left, with less than three per cent of global GDP.

I mean the last time a foreigner had such a detrimental impact on India

was Greg Chappell at the 2007 World Cup.

Have you guys been to London? Anyone, here?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

It's a nice city right full of all these gorgeous museums.

Have you noticed every single museum there, is a Chor Bazaar (flea market)?

I mean it's just full of artifacts and valuable objects

plundered from every corner of the globe that they've

conquered and exploited. All of them.

And only the British would have the gall

to come and say why don't you spend your money

looking at what my grandfather stole from your grandfather.

They don't teach their children about Colonialism.

You can do an A levels in History...

an A level in History which is the highest school qualification,

at the best schools in England without learning a line of Colonial history.

They just don't bother to tell you, in fact, they mention

Colonialism in Britain about as often as Narendra Modi

mentions demonetization these days.

Imagine if they did teach their kids about

the wrongdoings of their ancestors

and you can imagine going to one of their Starbucks,

and you place your order and sure, inevitably they get your name wrong.

So, you point it out to them

and on cue they say, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir!"

And you say, "Just for the name?"

In fact they gave about as much thought

to the welfare and well-being of Indians

as they gave Brexit.

You know.

You know, what a massive screw up that's going to be!

You know, what's going to happen to the UK's GDP?

It's already on its way down but once Brexit gets fully screwed up,

you can just imagine. I think we probably paid Ben Stokes

more than Britain's entire GDP post Brexit.

You know my argument for an apology is very simple.

I say you know tell the Brits.

I'm asking you for an apology

is really nothing else you can give us.

Right, what is it? You gave us cricket. We built a better cricket team.

You gave us Benedict Cumberbatch. All right for that, we are grateful.

You gave us the English language, and I gave it back to you!

But I think I've probably gone too far along this line.

You probably are wondering as some of you are millennials, what is this

guy giving us a lecture in the middle of a stand-up comedy act.

So, let me just summarize it in millennial language, all right?

So, the Brits were LIT AF when they saw India.

They thought our resources were SNACC.

So they built this Empire, that left us SHOOK.

But we resisted the Empire, Mr. Gandhi and all that, because YOLO.

And we drove them out with our non-violence SWAG.

And finally, India can be like

"Apna time aayega." (Our time will surely come)

Well, you've been a great audience. Thank you. I hope you had a good time.

And if you didn't...

If you didn't, I'll apologize...

after the British have apologized for East India Company.

And, Sapan apologizes for East India Comedy.

And even if those things don't work,

then you can learn from Narendra Modi, and just blame it all on Nehru.

Thank you!

Give it up for Dr. Shashi Tharoor, everyone!

Thank you.

Amazing!

So, how was the experience for you, Doctor?

Well you know, I'm certainly a lot less nervous now than when I started.

But yeah, this audience was great. It was a pleasure.

-Yeah? -Talking to them, yeah.

Would you want to try stand-up again sometime?

-You know, yeah, maybe. -I mean who wants...

Perhaps I should just quit, when the going is good, you know.

I remember when Gavaskar retired from cricket saying,

"I want to go when people say why rather than why not?"

So maybe this is the right cue.

Please tell Advani that also.

Give it up one more time for Dr. Shashi Tharoor.

That's your host Sapan Verma. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

Good night. Thank you. Off you go backstage sir.

I was a bit tensed. I didn't let on.

And I'm feeling this immense sense of relief.

How different was this from giving a normal speech in a college or...

-Oh, totally different. -The beats are completely different.

First of all, you don't get this much of audience reaction for any normal speech.

-Yeah. -It's just amazing.

I mean it keeps you on your toes

-Yeah. -but also it helps you

gauge audience reaction very quickly.

I didn't expect it to go so well. You just had 24 hours.

All the jokes were written overnight.

-24 hours. -And it was great.

Three other comics have approached me in the last three years and my staff

constantly advised me not to do it, because you've got

-nothing to gain and lot to lose! -Right.

I was very glad that in the end, your approach was the right one for me.

-Thank you, guys. It was a lot of fun. -We had a great time.