Original subtitles

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you think?

I think she's remarkable

I'm talking about the mugging

You thought I was dead, didn't you?

Oh, yes Until I heard of the feats of Geronimo

Then I knew it had to be you

Sir, I do have a murder on my hands

I'm painfully aware of that, Lieutenant

The man you know as Henderson was one of my best operators

That's my wife's favorite piece of music

I know

You have my house bugged

Bathroom door here, sir

What's that over there?

That's the wet bar, sir Your keys, sir

Thank you Thank you

Have a nice day, Mr Henderson

Don't worry about it, John Believe me

All right I'll be seeing you

Give my best to Sheila, would you?

All right, yes Yes Yes Byebye

(RINGING)

Yes?

BRENNER: Colorado is a river

Geronimo is an Indian

There is no beach like a Long Beach

An amusement park

When?

In two hours

(PHONE CLICKING)

Ruth?

Yes?

4:30, Monday, John Graham's office Don't let me forget, please

Have a nice evening, all of you Okay Mmmhmm

Oh, Mr Brenner The speech for Mr Defonte

Defonte? Is that tomorrow?

10:00 in his office

I must have mislaid a day somewhere

Can you come in at 9:00 in the morning? RUTH: Yes

I'll return after dinner this evening and put it on tape,

and then you can have it and do it

Once more, be seeing you

Bye

We'd have more privacy on a freeway

Oh, I don't know Wasn't it you that said

you should never have a clandestine meeting in a clandestine place?

Besides which, I've always had a certain

perverse affection for amusement parks

By the way, how is AJ Henderson?

AJ Henderson commutes every day from Westport

except when he has to go to a regional office for a visit

A very ordered life It makes him worth much more that way

You thought I was dead, didn't you?

Oh, yes Until I heard of the feats of Geronimo

Then I knew it had to be you

Why didn't you contact me? I have

Three years, amigo

Well, one can't be too careful

Now, let me tell you about this little operation that I'm involved in here

You'll tell me about the operation in a minute

First things first, Nelson Now, as I remember,

we had a certain currency scheme going on down there in bananaland

Three hundred thousand cruzeiros, as I recall

Supposing I told you that I was broke?

Double agents don't go broke

They die sometimes, but they don't go broke

Oh, come along now That theory about my being a double agent,

you know there's no fact in it

The Agency doesn't deal in facts, only rumors

And I have a lot more than rumors, Nelson

Do you?

Oh, come on, relax

The funds have been safely invested in tripleA bonds

You'll get your money back plus interest When?

Of course, I could write you a personal check

and then we'd both be tossed into the Potomac

(CAMERA CLICKING) I said when? I want cash,

and I'll worry about the laundering I was afraid about that

You'll get the cash Sir!

Yes? Sir,

I've just taken your photograph Have you?

Yes, and if you would like a print of it,

please stop by the booth on your way out I'll have them ready for you

Oh, really? Yes

I can stop by anytime? Anytime

Well, in that case I'll be seeing you

Okay Thank you so much

MAN: Step right up

Five out of ten How's your eye these days?

Deadly, Nelson Deadly

MAN: Ten out of ten wins a giant panda!

BRENNER: Let's see if we can remember

Only 35 cents

BRENNER: Two Thank you, gentlemen

MAN: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen

All right

(GUN FIRING) MAN: Knock down the 10 little ducks,

win a big giant panda

Ladies and gentlemen,

knock down the 10 little ducks,

win a big giant panda

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up

Five out of ten wins a prize,

ten out of ten wins a giant panda

Good

Congratulations, gentlemen

We have two winners!

MAN: I usually lose two of these in six months

Two in the same day is enough to break me

You can keep mine, buddy I'm all heart

Thank you, pal Thank you

Five out of ten wins you a prize, 10 out of 10

I'll bet you were disappointed when I showed up alive

Oh, I'm not that greedy

But the Tupamaro had you cold

How did you do it? How'd you get away?

On day one I had two of their people on ice

It was a matter of a simple exchange

Then the Director wanted to make it look like I was dead

Ah, yes The Director

Tricky fellow, our Director

What's this caper all about?

Now this is a naval code on microfilm

in the possession of a crafty old buzzard by the name of Steinmetz

He'll require a series of meetings to make sure that he's not being set up

Is he?

All we're interested in at the moment is the microfilm

When and where?

Tonight, 11:00 Sinbad's Santa Monica Pier

Remember the routine that we used in La Paz in 1967? Clicketyclick?

It's the same one Clicketyclick

Why all the jazz?

Oh, this is the way that Mr Steinmetz would like it

This Steinmetz Yes?

Is he an operator?

Well, shall we say that he's an old and crafty peddler and that's all

Excuse me a minute, will you?

Hello Hi

Do you like the name Fred?

Yeah

You do? Perhaps you prefer the name Archibald?

I don't know any Archibalds

You don't know any Archibalds?

Well, this is Archibald and now you know him

And now he's yours Would you like him?

Yeah You would?

Uhhuh All right He's yours

Thank you It's my pleasure

Nice talking to you Thank you Okay

BRENNER: This way

BRENNER: Bye Bye

You'll be needing this

What's the price?

Whatever it takes

What currency?

Dollars or lira

And they want the drop site where they decide

I suggest, by the way, that you don't wear your gun

That undercover I don't go

The contact may want to frisk you

Well, let him They know I'm an operator Or don't they?

Well, they do, but they don't know your name

or anything else about you

Why didn't you use one of your men out here?

There's too much money involved

Besides, our Director doesn't want Mr Steinmetz tracing back to me

Then you are setting him up?

Perhaps But not at this time

I'll take care of the photo stand for you

and I'll be in touch

Have a nice evening

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

LOUIE: Yes, sir What's your poison, pal?

I'll have a vodka on the rocks

Vodka on the rocks

You want a twist in that?

No, that's fine

That's $150

Pretty, huh? Mmmhmm

Hey, the machine doesn't work

No cigarettes and no money back

Acting up again? How much you lose?

60 cents

No sweat, pally

(CASH REGISTER OPENING)

Here you go Thank you

You got something to show me?

Okay The price is $350,000

$325,000 I want something for myself

I'll tell the man $300,000 Then we'll both get healthy

It's nice doing business with you

It's in gold

Zurich prices, the day of the drop

I'm gonna have to get back to you on that

Look, the man wants gold

You got anything else for me? No

Steinmetz is gonna have to come up

with two frames of that microfilm blown up We're gonna have to verify

I understand, but the old man

don't show you nothing without a down payment in gold

I've already told you, I don't know about that

Mr Steinmetz does

I'll meet you here tomorrow

Now that we've met, let's make it earlier

6:00

Good enough

BRENNER: Geronimo!

Well, how was it?

There are slight problems Nothing important

Slight problem? Is he safely gone?

Yeah He's safely gone

Oh, really?

He wants the payoff in gold

The price of gold in Zurich and

What are you doing down here?

Just taking the air

WOMAN: (ON POLICE RADIO) 11A8, clear 12A15, roger

11A7, clear

MAN: (ON POLICE RADIO) 1A13, clear

POLICEMAN: Evening, Lieutenant Welcome to Muggers' Haven

Excuse me

Photographer

Photographer! You think you got enough?

Step over to the side for a moment How you doing, Anderson?

ANDERSON: Okay, Lieutenant

All right, fellows Give it to me for a minute I'll give it back to you

Just step over to the side Everyone out

Not you, Anderson

How you been, Cliff?

Pretty good, Lieutenant

What've you got?

It looks like a mugging

That's the third one they've found around here in the last six months

How long has he been dead?

Two hours, tops

He was hit twice with a blunt instrument

Once here, and the second blow was here at the base of the skull

Which one came first?

Can't tell?

I can't tell, sir

He's lying on his back

That's the way we found him

This one came first

Kramer got his Polaroid?

Yeah

What's that, Lieutenant?

Poker chip, broken

You can find just about anything on this beach,

mostly beer cans

What's his name?

There's no ID, no wallet, nothing

The mugger cleaned him out

Except for a pack of unopened cigarettes and a book of matches

What matches?

Sinbad's

Sinbad's?

Yeah It's a club up on the pier

Sergeant Kramer's already up there

"Love, from Alice"

Is that his coat?

Yeah

Did you take it off?

No That's where it was when we got here

Kramer's in Sinbad's?

Yeah

How do you get there?

Go to the parking lot

There's a staircase You take it up

Walk down the pier and you'll run right into it

Take it easy, Cliff

Carry on, fellows!

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Lieutenant?

The bartender here's an excop

She's an interesting dancer

KRAMER: I showed him the photos He thinks he knows the guy

Do you mind? I'd like you to meet him

Hmm? Lieutenant?

Louie the bartender, Lieutenant Columbo

Hi, Lieutenant

He's the excop?

Mmmhmm

You're an excop?

Yeah

My old lady didn't like the hours I kept,

so, here I am till 2:00 in the morning in this joint

You guys want a drink?

No, thanks

No, thank you very much

Lieutenant, Louie says the victim was in here around 11:00

Good

Do you know him?

Who?

The victim

Never saw him before

He came in here, had a couple of drinks, then he left

Oh, wait a minute

He got his money stuck in that cigarette machine over there

I gave him back his coins, and he got his cigarettes and he took off

Who?

The victim

That checks

They found a full pack on him

LOUIE: Oh, wait a minute

There was another guy sitting right here

A young black guy with a leather jacket and turtleneck sweater

When your dead man walked out of here,

he got up and followed him out

KRAMER: You sure, Louie?

Sure, I'm sure

He left the whole drink here He didn't even touch it

A fresh drink

Hey, I notice things like that

Guess it's my excop training, huh?

Lieutenant, are you listening?

Yes I'm listening

Who was he? Do you know who he was?

Who who was?

The guy with the leather jacket that followed the victim out

But I could make him if he's in the files

Good Stop by downtown, and we'll have a look

Be glad to

Hey, be like old home week, huh?

You guys finished with me?

Did the two guys, did they talk to one another?

Well, one was sitting right where you're sitting

The other was over there where the beer pumps are

I don't think so

I'm finished

I'm finished

Thank you

What do you think?

I think she's remarkable

I'm talking about the mugging

You're doing just fine

Just keep up what you're doing

You're gonna find out how the guy got to the beach

You're gonna check out the cabs

Just keep up what you're doing

KRAMER: You're coming?

You notice her eyes?

Her eyes?

Her eyes

Her eyes

She's shy

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

MAN: (ON RADIO) Moving right along,

here are the news headlines at 700 am on the button

The situation in the Mideast remains tense

Theres another strike brewing in New York,

among the municipal workers this time

In Washington, the Senate Finance Committee

is recommending an acrosstheboard tax cut

Locally, the new District Attorney

has firmed up his staff appointments

On the sports scene, the Chinese have announced

they are pulling out of the Olympics

The Dodgers and Angels were both losers last night

Details on these and other stories

coming up after this message

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Speech for Mr Defonte

to be delivered before the Commodity Brokers luncheon

(BLINDS CLOSING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

First of all, I'd like to thank

the officers of your association for inviting me here

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing the grapes in my father's vineyard

I dropped the fare at the pier about 10:40

It's definitely this guy in this photo

And I collected him here

Thanks

Thank you

BRENNER: (ON TAPE) First of all, Id like to thank

the officers of your association for inviting me here

(CLOCK CHIMING)

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing the grapes in my fathers vineyard

If you dont believe me, III show you the bottom of my feet

One foot still has a cabernet stain, and the other, a Chablis

These guys with law degrees,

they give you all kinds of fancy titles

Get a load of the latest one, lm a president

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Good day I'm really sorry to have kept you waiting

That's all right We just thought that we'd

Just a minute

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

I had to make a stop

My secretary said this was urgent Please have a seat

You told him? Didn't get a chance to tell him

Shoot

A member of your company was killed last night, sir

What?

We're referring to Mr AJ Henderson out of New York

Henderson?

COLUMBO: You know him?

Why, yes, but I didn't know he was in town What happened?

He was murdered

Murdered?

We're gonna need an official identification

What's his name?

This is not AJ Henderson

The bellboy at the hotel is positive

This is the one

Excuse me This is our man

What does your man do?

Well, we have offices all over the world

Mr Henderson's chief function

is to periodically check the various branches,

be sure we're all operating efficiently

He is not ours

Sorry to have troubled you, sir

Lieutenant, I'd like an explanation

So would he

KRAMER: This is really weird, Lieutenant

Tell me something How did you get to this guy?

Have you ever been in the lobby of the Biltmore Hotel?

It's like Grand Central Station

Now, I gotta go in there I gotta find the desk clerk, right?

Yeah You gotta find a clerk in Grand Central Station

Now, don't be like that Give me a break

Just give me a minute to explain

Yeah I got a minute Go ahead

So I gotta go in So I find him I find him

Now, I gotta show him a photo of our guy

Does he know him? Does he remember him? The guy laughs

Yeah So he laughs

Does he remember him? Shakes his head

So now I gotta find the other clerks

I gotta find the bell captain and the bellhops

So, finally I find a guy who remembers walking him to his room

Now I know it's Henderson

Now, I gotta go back to the desk because down at the desk

I gotta get his registration card

Do you know what he uses as a business reference?

The Winston Advertising Agency

That's right Now the guy's gotta be nuts to do that

Maybe he's smarter than we think

I don't know Did you check his room?

Yeah Just some clothes

He signed in about 4:00

You told me he took a cab to the beach at 10:00 pm

What did he do between 4:00 and 10:00?

This much I can tell you

He came down and he asked the desk clerk

how long it would take to get to the Pike Long Beach Amusement Park

All right Take a break

Give me the photo What was that again?

What was what again?

The fish, the pike

The Pike's Long Beach Amusement Park

Excuse me, ma'am Just one moment Yes?

Have you ever seen this man before?

No

Are you sure?

Positive

He was in the park yesterday afternoon

No I'm positive I've never seen him

MAN: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Step right up

Only 35 cents Win yourself a big prize

Five out of ten wins you a prize

Everything all right? Ten out of ten wins you a giant

Yesterday, there was a fellow here in the amusement park

I wanna see whether you remember him

This is his picture

Boy, he He looks dead, don't he?

How could I ever forget him?

He and his friend, they beat me out of two $20 pandas

But Now, this guy, he was all right

He gave it back

Is that it up there?

Yeah Yeah

What do you have to do to win one of them things?

Knock down the ducks, 10 out of 10

Yeah, my wife would go for that

Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant Hey, you're a pro

Oh, forget about it

If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water

The man that was with him,

if you saw him again, would you know him?

Yeah I think so

Well, if he comes by, you give me a call

Yeah Yeah I'll be glad to

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!

Step right up

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen

Step right up Only 35 cents Win yourself a big prize

Five out of ten gets a prize

Would you care for one, sir?

Yes, I would

Well, step right over here and sit down right in that chair

And look right into the camera

That's it

Does she take a picture of everybody that comes through here?

Look straight ahead, sir

That Right That's it Smile

Yeah Did you hear what I said?

Yes, sir

This'll take about 90 seconds

I'll have a pinup button for you

Yeah, well, we take what we can, but we can't cover everybody

We do pretty good

All right Now, you're doing this

That takes about 90 seconds

That's right What's she doing?

That's a Polaroid system, sir

I mean, it's a oneshot deal What's the interest?

Well, here's my interest What do you call yourself?

Don

All right now, Don You take a Polaroid like you just did of me

The lady, she does something else

Well, that's a Polaroid system, too

You see, she just makes a print and holds the negative

Now, you can order up a print right now,

or you can order up an enlargement

What does she do with them?

Hey, look at that Isn't that great?

That's terrific

Can I talk with the lady?

Joyce!

Listen, this is a fellow from the police department He wants to talk to you

Take him over to the shop, and I'll cover for you

Okay Come on

Would you like a photo? Right this way

Joyce That's it, huh?

Joyce

Art Here These are ready to be developed and then filed Okay?

I'm gonna show you something

It's a picture of a dead man, so just take it easy

Okay

Sure is, isn't he?

Do you recognize him?

No No

He was in the park yesterday

Do you remember taking his picture?

Gee, I take so many pictures No

All right Let me check over something

You take as many pictures as you can, right?

That's right

And you hand out cards, right?

Uhhuh

And you take people's names, right?

That's right

And they can order a print immediately

or they can come back, or they can write for an enlargement

That's right

Now, what about the ones that you don't sell?

Well, I keep them about a week and then I get rid of them

So you got a lot left over from yesterday?

Yeah, I do

May I see them?

Sure Come on in the back I'll show you what's left

JOYCE: An old man, men, family,

couple of girls, an old man

That's it

That's it

That's all the unsold photographs from yesterday?

That's the works

There's not another pile?

No

And he's not in there?

No

You're sure?

Quite sure

What about the photographs that you didn't sell?

What about them?

Don't they have a negative?

You want to see the negatives?

I do

I'm gonna get you the negatives Negatives

Negatives

You know, you can't really see faces on the negatives

I mean, when you hold them up, you can't make them out

I think you'll have to have them printed up

Do you have a magnifying glass?

It's over there

You know, I might not even have taken his picture

I mean, just because he was here, he may not have come by

And maybe he bought it, so maybe I don't even have it

I think it's these This is it

I thought you said that he wasn't here

He's not

Who is this?

That's a fat lady

Who is that behind the fat lady?

It's your friend

I'm not gonna say anything

Shows you what a little perseverance can do

Now, wait a minute

Just a second Let's not rush

Standing next to the guy behind the fat lady

is a piece of a guy in a blue jacket

They could be together

Now let's see if we can find a bigger piece of the guy

who is standing next to my guy who is behind the fat lady

Look through these photographs

Okay

How you doing?

Wait a minute Wait a minute What

What do you think about that? Same color

My goodness You've done it That's him

Okay Let me see, let me see

That's the both of them They're together

Hey, you know what? Yesterday this new guy here,

he bought both the print and the negative from me

I remember because he gave me $20 for them

Can you blow this up?

DEFONTE: This extra demand for our extra supply

is gonna make a proper marriage in this market place

Youre worried about the Chinese?

I tell you, dont worry about the Chinese You know why?

Because they can pull out of the Olympics,

but they cant pull out of soybeans!

(DEFONTE LAUGHING)

I tell you this, they gonna be our big buyers

I guarantee you!

Now, you know what its like from the growers side of things

No matter the high cost of fertilizer Got the wrong room

no matter the laws against insecticides Mr Brenner?

we are going to have a big year! Yes You have the wrong room

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Your secretary said that I could find you here My name is Columbo

Now, if there are any sour grapes

I'm sorry to bother you, sir This is very important

Do you know an AJ Henderson from New York?

lm gonna promise you that next year

No, I don't You have the wrong room, sir

I had this blown up You might want to take a look at it

(DEFONTE SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Well, that was taken last night

in an amusement park in Long Beach

Absolutely marvelous

You've done it again, my good friend

That was a fine speech Wonderful speech

That Moustache Pete dialogue always gets everybody

You gonna come to the table?

I'll be with you in a moment I'll see you all a little later

All right But don't you stay too long

Yes, that was a terrific speech

Nice to meet you

Step over here a minute, will you, please?

Take a seat

According to witnesses,

you were seen with Mr Henderson yesterday afternoon

I didn't quite catch your name

Lieutenant Columbo, Los Angeles Police Department

Sorry for the reception

Not knowing who you were,

and since I intended to pirate Mr Henderson

away from his firm to my firm,

I naturally denied knowing him

Until what time, sir, were you with Mr Henderson?

Oh, I suppose I left him between 5:30 and 6:00,

something of that nature

Do you have any idea

what Mr Henderson's plans were after he left you?

Not at all I had imagined that he was going back to the hotel to have a

Oh, yes! Yes

He did say that he was going to take a drive out to the beach

To see it at night Never seen it before East Coast man, you know

Apparently that's just what he did, sir

He was found murdered there last night

in a place called Muggers' Haven

Muggers' Haven

Well

Yes, sir

That's such an extraordinary

Forgive me, please

The strangest thing is, one of the reasons I gave him

for moving out here away from New York,

that the crime rate was not quite so high Isn't that bizarre?

That is ironic

Do you have any suspects?

Yes, sir, we do, but we don't know who he is yet

Someone who appeared to follow him

out of a nightclub out there at the beach

How did you contact me so quickly?

Oh, that's a long story, sir

But when I got the photograph,

someone at the firm where Mr Henderson worked identified you

They said you were a very famous consultant,

and they also said, sir, that the AJ Henderson that works for their firm

is alive and living in Westport, Connecticut,

and doing business out of New York

Then you must be mistaken

No, sir, I'm not

You mean to suggest that the Henderson that I met with yesterday

was not with Winston Advertising?

That's right, sir

I don't understand

Initially, you see, he called me from New York

and evinced an interest in working for my firm

And I said, "Yes, surely, of course, we'll see about it"

Meanwhile, I checked him out, found, in fact,

that he was an able accounting executive

and said next time he was over here we'd meet,

and we did and And that was yesterday

He must've been impersonating

lmpersonating? Why?

I don't know Did you hire him?

Too late now, isn't it?

I was going to I liked him I thought

Most impressed by him Too late now

Dead

All very sad Most puzzling, isn't it?

Well, it certainly is to me, sir

I can't make head nor tail of this whole thing

You'll have to excuse me I have I have things to do here

You'll appreciate we all have to do our little bits from time to time

If I can help you in any way whatsoever,

please don't hesitate to contact me, now that you know where I am

Oh, thank you very much, sir

Thank you

Good day, sir

Good afternoon, sir

Nelson

Good to see you again

And you

Would you care for some coffee or

I didn't fly out from Washington to have coffee, Nelson

What happened here?

Oh, you mean Geronimo?

Yes, damn it, Geronimo

Well, it was all set

A meeting was arranged for him with a representative of Steinmetz,

and the next thing I knew, he was dead

Do you think Steinmetz did it?

Most unlikely

We'll have to have someone pay him a visit

I wouldn't advise that, sir, even if you could find him

You see, he still has the microfilm,

and after all, that is our primary objective, is it not?

Yes, you're right

As far as I can tell, it was a simple mugging

Of all the ways to lose a top operator Yes

It's unbelievable! It is

PILOT: We're running late, sir

I'm I'm sorry about this, sir

Yes, well, I had to be in Mexico City this afternoon anyway

You know a Lieutenant Columbo?

Oh, yes, indeed He's a local homicide officer

He discovered that I was with Geronimo

a few hours before he was killed

He's running a check on you

That's understandable,

but I made the excuse that I was trying to get him to join my firm

Place him under surveillance

Very well

We don't want any locals finding out about our operations

All right, sir Have a good trip

Right Bye, Nelson

BRENNER: All right

DIRECTOR: Change my itinerary

I'll be coming back here from Mexico City

PILOT: Yes, sir

LOUIE: That's him That's the guy

Melville

Is that his name?

Well, that's the guy that followed your man out of the bar

You're sure?

Sure, I'm sure

Melville? Melville

Well, that's the guy

COLUMBO: Lawrence Melville?

Yeah I'm Melville

Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD

MELVILLE: Sure I was having a drink at Sinbad's,

but I don't know no AJ Henderson

The bartender said you followed him out

He's mistaken, man

Come down to headquarters tomorrow We'll talk about it then

Okay I'll be there

Good afternoon, sir

Lieutenant Columbo, what an unexpected pleasure

I know it's Sunday I was in the neighborhood

This is quite a place you have here, and remote

I had a hard time finding it

How did you get in?

Oh, the gate It was open I just drove

Oh, did you? Excuse me

(PEOPLE SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You remember Yvonne and Bob here?

I have to leave you for a moment

I'll see you a little later Eli!

Would you care for a drink, Lieutenant?

Thank you very much

But I could use one of those

Help yourself

Thank you very much

I'm really sorry to bust in on you like this,

but I'm sure you'll understand

I'm just a policeman, and wherever the line takes me,

that's where I have to go

I have the same problem myself

from time to time

Thank you very much, Eli

Shall we move away from the madding crowd

and talk in a little more

peace and quiet?

I think I explained my one little deception to you

As far as I can see, there's nothing else to tell

Not quite, sir

You still haven't told me where you were when Mr Henderson was killed

Oh, I see what you're after now

Well, let me see if I can tell you

I returned to my office that evening

I wrote down and dictated

the speech for Defonte You remember the one

You were there You heard it

You can check with my secretary if you like

Her name's Ruth

Lieutenant,

I think that I should warn you that I am not an unworldly man

I have powerful and important friends

even in the police department

I respectfully request

that you do not

harass me

Why, sir, I would never do that

I know I understand your problem, but you must understand mine

It's a very bizarre situation

Because of a misplaced confidence

in a man that I knew as Henderson,

I find myself in this

ridiculous predicament with you

Oh, and it's all very understandable, sir

As a matter of fact, I have a lead on that suspect that I mentioned

Do you?

Do you know a Lawrence Melville?

Melville

No, I don't

And this time I'm not lying to you

He's black, 28, and been arrested and convicted for assault

Do you know whether or not Henderson knew Melville?

I didn't know Melville, I hardly knew Henderson

As a matter of fact, I didn't know Henderson at all

Do muggers usually know their victims?

No, sir, at least not on a personal basis,

but I have a hunch that Melville isn't a mugger

Now you're confusing me, Lieutenant

Well, you see, sir, Henderson was hit once

right here

Mmmhmm

And then when he went down, the assailant hit him again

on the back of the neck, right here at the base of the skull

Hmm

Mr Henderson must have known him,

otherwise how did he get hit from the front?

Couldn't the mugger have asked him for his valuables,

and when he was refused, then hit him from the front?

Oh, it could've happened that way, no doubt about it

Well, isn't it true there was no identification on Henderson's person?

Right Nothing at all

And isn't it logical then, to assume

that the mugger took the victim's cash and credit cards?

Oh, they were removed, all right

Then why are you making more out of it than that?

His coat was off

His coat was off?

Yes

That's it?

That's it

Except for the life of me, I cannot figure out

why would a mugger take off a victim's coat

unless he was gonna remove something other than cash or credit cards

Well, not being a mugger,

I'm afraid I can't help you there

Tell me,

how did you first come upon this Melville as a suspect?

He was seen at Sinbad's following Henderson out

Seems as though you've got a pretty tight case

No Too many loose ends

I bring this into the DA, he'd shoot me right down

I better run along, sir

I'm sorry to have interrupted your Sunday

Not at all

I've enjoyed speaking to you

once again

I'll see you to your car

This will be your car

Yes, sir There are only three like it in the country

Interesting model Allow me

Just between us, sir Mmmhmm?

Somebody's following me

Now, who would be following a cop?

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out

Can't be the collection company The car's paid for

(WHISTLING)

Take care

(RINGING)

Hello

This is Steinmetz

I received your message

Two miles north of the small grocery store in Topanga Canyon,

make a left

Four hundred yards

10:30 tonight

Be sure you're not followed

STEINMETZ: You are here

Mr Steinmetz

You scared the hell out of me!

Come, my car Come

Be careful

Always be careful

Careful? This is spooky

Why are we meeting way out here in the boondocks?

STEINMETZ: Here Here

You go in front

No, wait

Wait

When first you work for me, I tell you explicit,

this is very serious business you are in

I know And you laid down some heavy bread to back it up

But if I'd have known it was gonna be this serious,

I'd have stayed in the street

Of what do you talk?

I'm talking about heat

from some heavy little dude named Columbo,

and I'm talking about that government man

you put me next to that's now dead

I am aware of this

And you're also aware it's my head that's on the chopping block?

When you are in the business of buying and selling information

on the international market,

you will have to have sometimes

a little heat

Well, listen, they got enough on me now to put me away!

Did you kill him?

No, I didn't kill him

I did what you told me to do, that's all

Then you have nothing to worry about

How did the man die, Mr Steinmetz?

I don't know

I do not know

It was not a part of my venture I do not know

Well, what happens now?

Well, we have to reestablish contact with the other people

What do I tell the cop?

Nothing

Nothing!

But they asked me about if I know a man named Brenner

That is good It means they have a suspect

You just relax

Well, okay That's all I wanted

Just a little down home reassurance

You take this key to this car and take this car tonight

This car? What for?

This is a cover car for another member of my organization

It has to be at Sixth and Alvarado

by midnight tonight

What about my car?

Your car will be at your home by the time you return

You sure are strange, Mr Steinmetz

It's a strange world

From now,

you will be paid week by week

Now you're talking

We still use the same drop site?

Mmmhmm Until I tell you that we are going to change it

Take care of that car, it's my pride and joy

Sixth and Alvarado, here I come

(EXPLOSION)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CAR HORN BLARING)

KRAMER: You should've talked to us

MELVILLE: I should've talked to somebody

But I didn't do nothing wrong, no, sir

ARTIST: Hey, how's this?

No, no He looked a lot older than that

He had a big nose, and the nose

Where did you say you met this Steinmetz, again?

In a bar In a

Lookit He Listen, he had a moustache Okay Okay Yeah

In a bar? He laid some bread down,

knew everything about me My record

And you don't know how to get in touch with him?

Like I told you, we had this drop site

It's like a mailbox where we leave messages

We just exchanged them, that's all

No, lookie here You got to put the glasses

and then take this off all over here

Take it off this copy, and get this moustache right

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) Yeah Yeah Yeah

like a goatee on there Okay

What about the credit cards in the glove compartment? They belong to Henderson

Look, I'm telling you I don't know nothing about that

I swear, it's like I told that Lieutenant Columbo

I didn't touch that man We just talked about this microfilm, that's all

That's all we did, honest, Sergeant

Hey, how's this? This okay?

MELVILLE: Yeah

That's Mr Steinmetz

Now you're getting close to him

All you got to do is just make him a little older,

get him a little tighter under here, his nose was just bigger,

glasses off the You got him, though

I can't absolutely verify that Mr Brenner came back that night

and wrote his speech

But that's what he said he was going to do

And you found the tape sitting on your desk

when you came in the following morning?

Right At 9:00

I typed it up and gave it to Mr Brenner shortly before 10:00,

when he rushed in, picked it up

and went off to his meeting with Mr Defonte

Good morning

Good morning, Mr Brenner

Morning, Ruth

COLUMBO: Good morning, sir

This way, Mr Columbo

No calls

for five minutes

What the hell are you doing here?

Mr Brenner, you told me yourself

that I should check with your secretary That's what I'm doing

That was before your suspect turned up with Henderson's credit cards

How do you know that, sir?

I told you already, Lieutenant, I have friends in the police department

I have friends across the country All over the world

I also know

that your suspect

has accused a man named Steinmetz of trying to kill him

Your information is very good, sir

We don't believe that Steinmetz wanted him dead

You don't?

The officer from the bomb squad told us that

if you wanted a man dead,

you'd use a lot more plastic explosives in the car than what we found

And you would put it in the engine

rather than in the driver's door

I fail to understand you

You have suspects all over the place

You have Melville, you have Steinmetz

and yet you still insist on

suspecting me

Yes, sir, I do feel you are involved, I have to admit that

Did anyone see me on the pier?

The answer is no

Do I know Melville? Again the answer is negative

I could go on and on, but I suggest that we leave it where it is

Your secretary doesn't provide an alibi at all, sir

You simply told her that you were coming back here

Can you prove that you actually did come back?

As you well know, these offices are empty in the evening

and I don't need to prove it

Neither do I require an alibi

If you have an accusation to make,

do it

No accusation

In that event, good morning

And, Lieutenant,

let me assure you that you are delving into areas

over which you have no authority

For the last time I ask you,

don't harass me

Colorado calling the Director

Now entering Travel Town, out

Here you are, honey

Thank you

How goes it, Lieutenant?

I can't complain, Arthur How's by you?

Don't ask How's your dog?

He's swimming

Is this charred enough for you, Lieutenant?

Yeah, that's perfect

Where's he swimming?

Well, a fellow down the block built a pool,

so he goes over there in the mornings

(LAUGHING) Leave me his address, Lieutenant I wanna join him!

Art, it's just a normalsized pool It's not a lake

Two hot dogs

Hey, you know you're pretty?

Did you know that?

No Huh?

Sure you are

You know it, huh?

I don't blame you

Is that your sister?

Mmmhmm

You're pretty, too

GIRL: Thank you

You guys got a dog? GIRL: Yeah

You know where my dog is?

GIRL: No

He's swimming

He goes swimming every morning

I didn't know that dog swims

Oh, he can swim

He can swim just like a fish

COLUMBO: You know what his name is?

GIRL: What? Dog

Just plain old Dog?

Yeah

That's what I call him Just Dog Nothing else

AGENT: Let's take a walk

See you later

AGENT: This way

Inside

DIRECTOR: Come in

Watch your step

I hope you don't mind

I don't carry a gun, sir

It's not a gun we're looking for

I know you've seen that

Yes, sir

What is it that he is looking for?

A bug

I don't have any bugs, sir

Now, you don't mind if I satisfy myself in that regard?

No, sir

Now, I want you to look at this

I want you to pay strict attention

You're the head man?

Yes

It's only on rare occasions

I take a local law enforcement officer into my confidence

Only when the situation absolutely warrants it

Whatever it is, sir,

I won't breathe a word

Good

Now, it seems in your investigation of a homicide,

you stumbled upon one of my most valued counterintelligence men

I have?

He is, in fact, in charge of the West Coast region

A lot of sensitive, highly important information

from the Pacific and South America

funnels through him

I had no idea

I realize that That's why I am here

Nelson Brenner's cover is deep and foolproof

All the more reason to emphasize the confidentiality

of our conversation

Nelson Brenner

Well,

that certainly explains a great many strange things

I thought it would

WOMAN: Hey, can we come up, please?

Let's walk

Whatever inconsistencies bother you, Lieutenant,

come as a direct result of Brenner trying to protect the Agency

It's fantastic

(CHUCKLES)

I hope you understand

I ran a check on this man I sent to Washington

Yes, I know I got it right here in my pocket

You'd never know this man was a spy

Operator

Operator?

Operator Spy's old hat

They're referred to as operators

What do you fellows do? You fabricate this stuff here?

Pleased to have met you, Lieutenant

Likewise, sir

One more thing, sir This will only take a moment

Are you familiar with a man named Steinmetz?

Forget about him

But you do know him?

Yes Forget about him

Sir, I do have a murder on my hands

I'm painfully aware of that, Lieutenant

The man you know as Henderson was one of my best operators

But, you see, sir,

this Mr Steinmetz, in my judgment,

is somehow implicated here,

and I can't find a trace of him

Neither can we

And we've been after him a lot longer than you have

But we'll get him, one of these days

One more thing, sir

Do your operators carry a gun?

They do

(BELL DINGING)

What'll it be, sir?

Give me two

Two gallons, sir?

No $2, please

Wait a minute!

Right

All right Go ahead

What'll it be?

Gas Just regular gas

Make it $3

Make it $325

$345,

$355

(CLINKING) Oh, gee

Want me to wipe your windshield, sir?

No, that's all right Don't bother I can see through it

Just keep it rolling Keep it rolling!

All right

Forty What's up there now?

MAN: $437

(BELL DINGING) $437

$2, $250, $270, $280,

$310

Right, stop it Stop it!

I have $380 What do I have now?

Gentleman over there thinks you could use this, sir

Gentleman over where?

Over here, sir

I just met the Director

The head man

Yes, I know

You know already?

I knew before

You knew it before that I met him?

I knew it before that you were going to meet him

Jeez, the way you guys operate

It's fantastic

We could use a couple of guys like you down in the department

All the lies are explained now

Yes, sir I guess they are

It's a weight off my mind, too

In fact,

I'm going to take the rest of the day off

Why don't you join me

up at my house for a cocktail or something,

and we can discuss old times You rather fascinate me

Oh, that's very, very nice of you, sir,

but I still got a couple of things I gotta do

Sir, we have other customers

I've gotta check back down at the station

Those guys are always bugging me

You know what I mean

(CHUCKLES)

I know

(BELL DINGING)

Wait a minute Sir!

I still got this $10!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Come in, please

Your coat, sir

Mr Brenner will be here in a moment

(PEOPLE CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Mr Columbo to see you, sir

Mmmhmm

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Right away, sir

I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting

I'm having dinner for a few friends this evening

I was just checking the menu with the chef

Oh, that's all right, sir That's no problem Here's your $10

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

And then afterwards we're having a little piano recital

Please come in I've ordered some

hors d'oeuvres for you

Make yourself comfortable

Oh, thank you, sir This is quite a place to be comfortable

But I do want to clear up this $10, sir That's why I'm here

I can spare it, you know

Oh, I know you can, sir

It's just that I'd like to keep my accounts up to date

Well, maybe I don't, but my wife likes to keep everything straight

You know what I mean Hmm

Is that an original painting, sir?

Oh, yes Nearly everything here is original

That was done in Austria, 1761

The Discovery of America

The Discovery of America Is it all in there?

Nearly

Isn't that fantastic!

Look at that

The Discovery of America

I think I'm just gonna leave this $10 here on the table, sir

That way it's out of my hands

Relax Relax Take a minute

Try one of these Try a few of them, in fact

All right, sir Thank you, sir

This looks good May I, sir?

Please

What would you like in the way of libation?

Oh, nothing when I'm on duty

But you're finished for the day, aren't you?

Well, nearly, sir

Do you have any wine?

Cellar full

Just a glass

BRENNER: What kind would you like?

Oh, red

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

A little music?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

That's quite a music box you got there, sir

That must have set you back a few dollars

A few Do you like music?

Well, I hear it all the time

My wife is crazy about music

Really? Classical?

Yeah, Beethoven,

what'shisname, the guy that wrote Marriage of Figaro

Mozart

That fellow and

She likes rock music, too

When the nieces are around, it's on the air all the time

A lot of rock

How about this?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

That's Puccini That's

No, that's

Madame Butterfly!

Yes

That's

That's my wife's favorite piece of music

I know

You know?

You have my house bugged

I know

But since the Director met with you,

I've had it removed

It's just, I'm glad my wife didn't know about that

Tuning

Boy, that's some system you got there, sir

Hydrophonic

Gee, I wish my wife could hear it like this

Yes

Well, it helps to calm the nerves, you know

Are you nervous, sir?

Oh, yes We all need our little antidotes,

and I happen to know one of yours

And what would that be, sir?

Cigar

Well, as a matter of fact, yes

I have some very special ones in my den

Would you care to sample them with me? We can take this with us

Just through here

And here are the little darlings

Do you have a cutter?

A what, sir?

A cigar cutter

No, I don't carry them

Well, in that case, do you mind if I do it for you?

Not at all, sir You have all the experience

You like to play games, sir?

Yes

I know this one Backgammon I've seen that before

And I know poker

Do you mind?

Go ahead

What's this?

Mah Jongg

What?

Mah

Jongg

You play all these games for money, sir?

Yes, indeed

Do you like to gamble, sir?

What else is there?

Your cigar

Matches are over here

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

How do you find the cigar?

Real class, sir

Cuban?

The Bay of Pigs wasn't a total disaster

Here we are

See how you like it

Happy days

Who is that lady there in that picture?

That one, the Princess of Thailand

My goodness

And look at these, sir, the medals you've won You did well in the war

Reasonably well Look at those medals Where was that, sir?

Korea

My goodness What is this?

That you wouldn't be able to understand It's in Latin

A little gift from the University of Bavaria

Distinguished Achievement Award,

University of the State of New York,

Trustees, Columbia University

Certificate for service, driving a racing car Quite a life, sir

I find it dull

Quite a life

What kind of a plane is that, sir?

That? That's the T33

Silverstar

Oh, yes

And that's you standing right beside it?

Mmmhmm

Yes I seem to remember reading about that

It was quite famous during the war, wasn't it?

The best known trainer of the period

Well, you're a hero, sir

And you have power

and you live in a magnificent house

You're a hero

The languages you speak How can you say your life is dull?

Mah Jongg

What time do you have, sir?

6:45

Oh, I have to run I almost forgot, sir

I'm taking my wife out to dinner

Forgive me

You've been very gracious

I'll get your coat

It's been a fantastic day, sir

Oh, yes, indeed

May I help you with your coat?

Thank you

I appreciate the $10

I'll tell you,

I hope I never run into that kind of a fix again

Safe journey

Oh, I almost forgot

This is a sketch that we worked up on Steinmetz

Melville says that this is a reasonable facsimile

Steinmetz

So this is Steinmetz?

You've never seen him before?

No

No, I have never seen him

If this is not a breach of security, sir,

could you tell me how you made contact?

By telephone or through a representative of his

I see

'Cause I've checked every Steinmetz in the city

and so far I haven't been able to find anyone

who even comes close to this description

Well, by now, Lieutenant, you should know that no one in our business

is ever who he says he is

Of course

I should've known that myself

By the way, may I have a copy of that

for our leader, the Director?

Why don't you take this one, sir?

I have another copy for myself

Be seeing you

I hope so, sir

Have a nice evening

My best to your lady

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Della

The Commodity speech of last week, we have a copy?

Yes, sir, it's in the files

Do you mind bringing one in, please? Thank you

Columbo

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

You'll like that

Isn't that unusual, to get a speech

just a halfhour before you're gonna deliver it?

No No, no Because I read it twice,

it make an impression in my mind, like this Really?

You know, me, sometimes I forget my own telephone number

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(LAUGHING)

Thank you, Della Very nice Very nice

Let me see if this is the speech

Suppose you want it rewritten?

There's no time

Rewritten? For what?

Nelson, he writes a speech,

says just what I want to say, that's all

Then he adds a touch of spaghetti humor, you know? And everything's all right

Oh, he's brilliant, Columbo

(WHISTLES) Brilliant man! Very

Is it possible that I take this?

Sure I have a copy here, you know

Thank you very much

It's so nice meeting you

Is it possible to have a few more grapes?

Grapes? Oh! Is it possible you ask? Look at that

(SPEAKING ITALIAN) No! No!

Come on! It's such a pleasure to talking to a paisano

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(LAUGHING) Grazie

Listen, you be sure to call me

We have lunch together, all right?

Arrivederci, Columbo

COLUMBO: Ciao

BRENNER: (ON TAPE) Lets get back to earth

RUTH: Good morning, Mr Brenner lm a simple farmer

in the lmperial Valley

It just happens to be 400 miles wide, thats all

Good morning

My papa, from whom I learned the business,

told me years ago when I started out,

(IN MOCKITALIAN ACCENT) Salvatore, to be a successful,

you gotta know two things

Who buys and who sells your crop

And the weather

Well, we gotta the water down in our Valley

That takes care of the weather

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

This is important

Your secretary was kind enough to provide this tape

Of course, I have a warrant for it

You told a lot of lies, sir

Of course, most of them can be explained

in your capacity as a spy, but not the big one

Not your whereabouts at the time of the murder

What strikes you about this picture?

The T33 Silverstar

I see that you visited with me again

In my absence

I have a warrant for that, too, sir

You have a warrant for everything

What strikes you about that picture?

I was younger and more beautiful then

Not that it was taken 15 years ago in Korea?

Not the fact that, at that time,

your hairline is receding

How stupid of me

What strikes me, sir, looking at you now, 15 years later,

is that you now have a healthy crop of hair

Luxuriant

I wear a piece

A hairpiece

That's what I told the art guy down at headquarters

I said, "Figure this fellow to be bald,"

and working on that assumption, sir,

he took an air brush

and he removed all your hair

This is the same picture

Removed all of it?

Yes

And then he put on a wig

and he added a moustache and a beard and some glasses

(EXCLAIMING)

Steinmetz!

(LAUGHING)

Our dear old friend Mr Steinmetz

That's marvelous Very clever fellows you've got

It's really wonderful

I want you to hear the tape

Yes I'll hear it By all means, go ahead

It's terrific

Pay strict attention to the early part

BRENNER: Speech for Mr Defonte

to be delivered before the Commodity Brokers luncheon

Right here

(BLINDS CLOSING)

That sound

That sound, sir, is the closing of Venetian blinds

(BLINDS BANGING)

That's the sound

So I closed the blinds What's so special about that?

That direction is east

Please don't give me a lesson in geography

At five minutes past six, the sun came up

An hour or so later, give or take a few moments,

the sun angles into the building in this direction

and it hits right here at your desk

You came in the following morning, sir,

to finish your speech

And you sat down

and when you started to dictate,

the early morning sun got in your eyes

and you then arose,

went to the window

and closed the blinds

I see

I closed the blinds

for privacy

But you're on the third floor, sir Yes

Why would you require privacy?

Well, there are other buildings in the neighborhood

Higher buildings

But they're all office buildings, sir

There's no one in them at night

This is an office building I was in it at night

Why should not other people be in their offices?

Why don't you play the tape,

carry on from there,

and you will see that, in fact,

it had to be night

Any particular section, sir?

Right on, from there

Now, you listen very carefully

(CLOCK CHIMING) BRENNER: First of all, Id like to thank

the officers of your association for inviting me here

It seems like only yesterday I was crushing the grapes in my fathers vineyard

If you dont believe me, III show you the bottom of my feet

One foot still has a cabernet stain There!

and the other There! Did you hear that?

a Chablis Yes, sir I heard it

You heard the chimes?

These guys with law degrees I did

Did you count them?

they give you Yes, sir There are 11

Eleven?

So it had to be 11:00 at night

It could not have been 11:00 in the morning

You can check with my secretary

No, sir It couldn't have been at night

Couldn't have been night

(BUTTON CLICKING)

BRENNER: feel about overproduction, but its gonna be all right

Theres a food shortage all over the world It had to be morning, sir

Theres no reason for the price to fall Look at Southeast Asia

They need our crops more than ever now,

because of the tragic events there in the past 10 years

This extra demand for our extra supply

is gonna make for a proper marriage in the market place

And if youre worried about the Chinese, dont be

They may pull out of the Olympics but not out of the soybeans

(BRENNER LAUGHING)

You've lost me again, Mr Columbo

I did some checking

Newspapers, wire services, TV newsrooms

I checked everywhere,

and I ended up calling the Peking News Bureau

Did you?

And at 6:20 am on the morning of the Defonte speech,

six hours and 20 minutes past midnight,

seven hours and 20 minutes past the time

that you claim that you were writing this speech,

and to the shock of the world,

the Chinese pulled out of the Olympics

Did they?

You couldn't have written that speech the night before

There's no way in the world

It hadn't happened yet

What made you stay on it?

Was it the

Was it the coat?

Yes, sir I couldn't figure out why it was removed

You see, I know that a mugger

can take a guy's money without taking off his coat

And then it occurred to me that Mr Henderson was a secret agent

And that secret agents wear guns

Shoulder holsters

And that Mr Henderson

Had one

was a secret agent

He was

And you couldn't afford to have that fact known

So, in order to remove his shoulder holster

I had to

Remove the coat remove the coat

Why didn't you put it back on again?

Oh, I was going to,

but apart from muggers on the beach, Mr Columbo,

they also have loving couples

And I was interrupted

at the scene of the crime

Would you like to hear something funny?

I'd love to

Today, the Chinese,

they changed their minds

Did they, again?

They're back in the Games

In the Games

Mah Jongg

Mah Jongg