All language subtitles for Clockwise (1986) [BluRay] [1080p] [YTS.LT]

Right, Orridge,

Popple, Patel.

9:20.

"..Cannot but feel deeply humbled.

Five years ago, if I may be
personal for a moment,

a rather overawed headmaster

of a rather obscure
maintained comprehensive school..."

Stimpson.

Cardington here. Can you make
3:30 Monday or 4:30 Tuesday?

No, 10:35 on Thursday

or 12:10 Friday.

Ah, can't do I'm afraid.

Or we could say 11:10 Friday week.

That's fine for me. Is that okay for you?

Don't run!

Sharon Seeds...

9:20.

"Arrived at the annual meeting
for the first time,

amazed to find himself invited

to become one of your very select
handful of additional members."

Come in!

"He listened to the headmasters of schools
with great and glorious names...

Come in!
"Great and glorious names..."

Headmaster...

"Eton and Harrow,
Winchester and Westminster."

Am I taking 4H in G3 at 10:30?

"As they expatiated upon
a variety of weighty matters,

scarcely did our nervous new boy
open his mouth..."

Sorry. This is your thing
with all the posh schools?

4H in G3 at 10:30.

2:15 okay, Brian?

Joan says I'm taking 4H in G3 at 10:30.

I thought I was taking 4J in J3 at 11:00.

Peter Stiles is taking 4H in G3 at 10:30.

Right, Ted, 2:15.

Slay 'em at the conference, Brian.

Tell all those upper-class ponces

we're gonna hang 'em from the lamp post
by their old school ties!

Right! Thank you, Ted!

Ah, you're taking 4G in H3 at 10:35.

Oh, God!

They should try having 4G at Harrow!

"Well, that obscure comprehensive school

was none other than Thomas Tompion."

"And that overawed new boy
was none other than me.

Little did he dream

that within a few short years
he would be standing up here himself

as the very first comprehensive school
headmaster ever...

to become chairman of
the Headmasters' Conference."

Clint!

Where do you think you're going, Clint?

"The Guinness Book of Records"?

Every day this term so far,
isn't it, Clint?

Well, don't just stand there, Clint! Run!

9:20, Clint.

And come out from that doorway!
Not you! You!

Yes, you! I can see the smoke, you fool!

I can see your feet!

Oh, it's you!

Right, now I've got some
sad news for you all.

I'm going to be away today.

Aah!

I knew you'd be heartbroken!

Right. Now, where am I going?

I am going to the University of Norwich
in the fair county of Norfolk.

And why am I going there?

I am going there because that's
where this year's annual meeting

of the Headmasters' Conference
is being held,

and you can all feel
rather proud of yourselves.

Mmm!

Because they don't let
just any old headmasters

into the Headmaster's Conference,
far from it.

The Headmaster's Conference
is the organisation to which

all the great independent schools
of this country belong.

Places like Eton and Harrow,
Winchester and Westminster.

The fee-paying schools.

The "posh" schools that we
all look down our noses at,

and that we'd all send our children to

if only we'd got the money.

They don't usually let in headmasters of
common or garden comprehensive schools,

of schools like this one.

So, why you ask, why did they let me in?

Well, I'll tell you why.
They let me in because you and I...

all of us together,

have made Thomas Tompion
one of the best schools in the country.

Right, then. But today...

9:20, Linda.

But today is an extra special occasion,

because today,

today I take over as chairman,

chairman of the Headmasters' Conference,

and I shall be the first chairman
in the whole of history,

in the whole of history,

who is headmaster of an ordinary, common
or garden, state comprehensive school.

So it really is one for the
"Guinness Book of Records"!

Right, then!

So what am I going to tell them
in my speech this afternoon?

I'm going to tell them how we did it!

I'm going to tell them how we all decided

that we wanted a well-run,
orderly school,

a school where we all knew what we were
supposed to be doing, Jimmy Picket!

A school where we all knew which room
we were supposed to be doing it in.

I'm not looking at you, Wendy Pilbrow,

or you, Gary Bottoms.

And what we were supposed to be
doing it with, Debbie Jones.

And above all,

Clint Ailing and Dean Schreiber,
please note...

..when we were supposed to be doing it!!

Right, Hymn 122,
"He Who Would Valiant Be".

One hundred and 22.

♪ He who would valiant be

♪ 'Gainst all disaster

♪ Let him in constancy

♪ Follow the Master... ♪

Oh...

You here again, Gayle?

What are you here for, Shaym?

Don't know. What are you here for?

Oh, I'm... I'm merely... I'm just...

Clint.

Hello, Mrs Stimpson.

Surprised to find you lined up with the...

What have you been...?

What?

Did you overcook the...?

- Or were you late getting him his...?
- Late?

Go on, hit 'im in the face!
Get 'im on the floor!

- Agh!
- Go on, boot 'im!

- Shh! Shh!
- Go on, hit 'im in the face!

- Agh! Agh!
- Tear his head off!

If you think 9:20 outside
my study means 11:10

in the playground, then you'll
be back here at 9:20 every day

until you learn to tell the time!

I told you 9:50.
The train's not till 10:25.

What do you want?

Please, sir, it's about
starting Greek, sir.

9:20's not starting Greek.

9:20's not being driven
to the railway station.

What's 9:20?

- Executions, sir.
- Executions.

Mr Jolly?

I used to be like you. Always late.

Oh, yes, forever in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

I know what you mean,
but I just thought I ought to...

I thought I ought to...

One or two things...

One or two problems...

One or two personal...

I was like some miserable child

wandering round the school,
with his calculator in one hand

and his gym shoes in the other,
and not the slightest idea

where he's supposed to be.

G3, Leroy!

I know the feeling, but...

We all go through it, John.

We all get lost.

I'm afraid I've got into...

Well... I've got into...

Bed, John.

Oh, no, no, no. No, nothing like that!

Well...

Try getting out of it
earlier in the morning.

Oh, yes!

But the thing is this...

Because the first step to knowing
who we are is knowing where we are

and when we are!

I could drive you there.

The train doesn't go till 10:25.

You're ashamed of me, aren't you?

You could go over to the hospital.

Don't tell me you're
not allowed to take wives,

because if you're the chairman, you are.

I know that.

You could take some of your
old ladies out for a drive.

I don't have to come to the dinner
if that's what you're worrying about.

I could go out and get
a hamburger on my own.

This is a historic moment.

I stand before you today
as your new chairman.

I said I could go out and get
a hamburger in McDonald's.

Good, good. And did Paul
get off to school on time?

- Right. So you'll find somewhere to park.
- Park?

Make sure the train's running.

If it's not, you'll have to drive me there.

Platform 3

for the 10:25 to Norwich.

Calling at...

Right, Norwich.
We're on time today, are we?

On the left.

Right.

On the left, guv'nor. Train on the left.

Glen Scully and Mandy Kostakis!

Platform 3 for the 10:25 to Norwich.

Yes!

Right.

Tomorrow then, 9:20!

Platform 4 for the 10:28 to Plymouth.

Right.

On the left, then.

Right.

- Right?
- Right.

Right.

This is a historic moment.

I stand before you today

as your new chairman,

something that few of us

ever expected to see happen
in our lifetime.

Uh...

Something that few of us
ever expected to see in our lifetime.

This is the train to Norwich?

- Plymouth.
- Plymouth?!

That was Norwich on the left.

Oh!

Wait! Stop!

Wait!

Right!

The 10:25 to Norwich?

- You've missed it.
- It's on time? It is running?

- It's run, it's gone, that's it.
- That's all right then.

Gwenda!

Can't you tell the difference
between left and right?

You said Norwich.

That's Plymouth!

You didn't want Norwich?

The speech!

Speech? What, now?

Wait! Stop!

They've asked me to do some
damned silly things as I've stood 'ere,

but no one's ever asked me
to make a speech before.

Come on! Try this one then.

Plymouth, this one.

Speech! Speech!

Please, could you just give me the speech?

Oh, please!

Right!

He's back.

Do you want the speech
before you go, do you?

- Norwich?
- My lords, ladies and gentlemen...

Next one to Norwich?

- 2:47, change at Peterborough.
- Oh!

He didn't like it.

Gwenda!

Gwenda!

Wait!

- Thank you.
- Stop!

Keep going, guv'nor. It's never
too late till the last moment's gone.

Just so long...

just so long as your wife
hasn't taken the car.

Aaah!

Um...

Gwenda?

Gwenda?

No!

- Where the hell is she?
- Um...

- Oh, you're here. Where's Mum?
- Er?

- Don't tell me, "At the school."
- Yeah, I think she...

I know she was at the school, you idiot!
Where'd she go after that?

- Don't say the station!
- Yeah, I think she said...

God, give me strength!

Well, where is she now?

She's not at the hospital? She's not
driving old ladies round the countryside?

- Dunno, she might have said...
- She's at the hospital! Huh!

Why aren't you at school?

Ah, well, I've got a...

You've got a free. Of course, you've
got a free. Only you haven't got a free.

- No, I've got a...
- You've got a study period!

I've got a hangover!

Taxi, taxi, taxi!

Taxi!

Uh...

Please, sir...
I'm terribly sorry, Mr Stimpson, sir.

Laura. Laura?

Laura!

I'm sorry, Mr Stimpson. I've got a free.

Right! Laura, hospital.

Oh!

Right, not far out of your way.

It's not a free, Laura,
it's a study period.

Study periods are not frees.

- This is your parents' car, is it, Laura?
- They don't mind.

You've got A-levels this year, Laura.

You can't afford to go driving round
the district in study periods.

You're a prefect.
You should be setting an example.

Right, left!

Right, wait here.

Do you mind waiting?
I don't know where she goes.

I'm only missing biology.

Through the door.

Now, the liqueur glasses
came to me from my mother.

- Mind the step.
- So Jeanie's always had her eye on them.

So she said, "Ellie, it's no use letting
Lou have the sherry glasses.

She won't appreciate them,
she won't polish them.

You know what she's like."
So I said, "Well, all right.

I've no desire to burden people with
possessions they don't want," I said.

"That's not my intention
and never has been."

So naturally, she thought if
the sherry glasses aren't going to Lou,

they'd be going to Pam.

But I thought to myself,

"Wait a moment, Ellie."

Keep moving, Mrs Trellis, nearly there.

"Hold on a moment, Ellie," I thought.

Are we going to the hospital?

We're at the hospital, Mrs Wheel.

We're just going to have
a little look at the country.

How lovely! Ooh, isn't that lovely?

"Not so fast, Ellie," I thought.

"If Pam gets them,
she'll give them to Babs

and we all know what she'll do with them."

Aren't we lucky?

- Are we going to the hospital?
- Don't worry, Mrs Wheel.

We'll come back to the hospital

just as soon as we've had
a little look at the countryside.

And then I thought, "Well, hold on!

Millie's living in Majorca!

Well, what on earth is she going to do
with two dozen sherry glasses?"

So I thought, "Even if she wants them,
how should we ever get them to her?

In Majorca?" I thought.

Aren't we lucky people?

Thank you.

Well, maybe I'm old-fashioned,

maybe I don't understand
modern ideas about

give them this, give them that.

But what does it matter?
Let them smash it all up.

But to my mind, sherry glasses are a...

We've missed her. She's gone!

Which way then?

Left or right, Mr Stimpson?

Laura, Laura.

Will you drive me to Norwich?

Okay. Where is it?

It's vital, you see, Laura.
I shouldn't ask you otherwise.

It's the Headmasters' Conference.

I'm the first headmaster

of a maintained comprehensive school
ever, in the whole of history,

to become chairman
of the Headmasters' Conference.

- Just tell me where it is.
- It's not far.

Not all that far.

- Not too far.
- I mean, left or right?

Oh, right.

Left!

No, no, no! Right!

Right!

- 163 miles.
- Right.

We'll have to ring your mum.

Ah, they've got a phone here.
I'd better speak to her myself.

I'll do it.

I mean, not if she's the slightest
bit worried about it, Laura.

I'll pay for the petrol, of course.

This is a historic moment.

We are going a long way...
Uh, we have come a long way.

We are going 163 miles.

John, listen to me, I'm going away.

It's over.

No.

- Five hours ago...
- Norwich.

..if I may be personal for a moment,
I was feeling deeply historic.

Five "years" ago,
if I may be historic for a moment,

I was feeling deeply humble.

An overawed master from
an obscure comprehensive school...

Every time she comes to the house,
she makes some little remark.

"Oh, Ellie," she goes,

"it must take you ages to dust all your
glasses. I don't know how you do it.

I'm sure I shouldn't like to have
all those glasses to dust."

She goes on and on about
those glasses, never stops.

I sometimes wonder if she ever
thinks about anything else.

She certainly never talks
about anything else.

Of course, I don't say a word.

I'm not much of a talker. There's
plenty I could say if I wanted to.

Well, like that clock.

That came to her,

not that she's ever wound it.

Not that she's so much as
looked at it, from that day to this.

Laura, what did she say?

- Oh, it's okay.
- Really?

Got rooms in that house so filled with
things that you can't open the door.

Doesn't know what she's got herself.

I feel very badly about this, Laura.
What are you missing?

- You're missing double biology!
- I don't mind.

Well, you should mind. Laura.
You've got A-levels

and I'm taking you out
of a double biology.

Laura, you're going to discover

that life is full of the most
terrible moral choices.

In fact, I said to her the other day,

I said, "You know what's going
to happen, don't you?

Someone's got to sort
this lot out when you've gone,

and it won't be Dibs, it won't be Lou.

Oh dear, no, it'll be me!"

No one pays the slightest attention
to what anyone says.

I don't know why I waste my breath.

I can tell you she's got a clock in
that house that came from Mother

that's worth every penny of £100.

It's never been wound
from that day to this.

So when she's in the house
the other day...

That bloke with the girl, did they pay?
They didn't pay!

- They've never paid.
- Blue 1100, was it?

Laura Wisely! She lives round the corner.

She's one of his pupils.

How lovely!

I saw the train leave!

Isn't that lovely?

The number! The number!

I don't believe this!
There goes another one!

Don't worry, it's okay. Honestly.

If Thomas Tompion is a success story,

it is because we insist upon
certain traditional standards.

Speech.

It's on the train.

I should like at this point, if I may,
to pause for three hours.

160 miles in three hours... To pause for,

say, three-and-a-half hours.

Three-and-a-half into 160...

It's a good thing, actually.

If you hadn't have come along,
I might not be here now.

I had this great row with this bloke.

I ran back to the house and I saw
the car keys, and I thought, "Right!"

We all understand, I think, that
lateness is a discourtesy to others.

What is sometimes forgotten these days

is that it is three-and-a-half into 16.

It's about 50 miles an hour!

He didn't like it when I told him I was
driving to Norwich with someone.

"Who?" he said, "Who? Who?"

He's so jealous.

Told "him" you were driving to Norwich?

- You told who you were driving to Norwich?
- This bloke.

I couldn't ring Mum.
She'd have gone mad.

But we can't stop again!

And I never paid for the petrol.

- Mrs Wisely?
- Police?

No, no, Jolly. Mr Jolly.

I just wondered if Laura was...
Are you Laura's...

Police?

Laura's at school, dear. I'm on
the phone. The car's been stolen.

- No, it isn't the police.
- Who is it then?

It's someone for Laura.

- It's my husband. He's beside himself.
- What am I supposed to do?

Well, you'll have to come back and
speak to them, give them a description.

I can't give them a description.

Is it a Morris or is it an 1100?
I don't know.

He's in such a state, he doesn't know
what he's doing. He lives for that car.

He was standing outside in the drive.
He goes to pieces.

Is it the anti-nuclear, dear?

No, no, it's just that Laura's not at...

I don't want to alarm you,
but just thought I ought to...

Laura, she's disappeared!
No one knows where she is.

- You mean, at school?
- No, he's just said.

He's here now. He's just told me.

- Who's just told you?
- Who are you?

I'm... Well,
I'm one of the staff at the...

- He's one of the staff at the...
- You know, the music...

He's the music.

He's coming home.

He doesn't know what he's doing.
He's going to do someone an injury.

And you've no idea where she is?

Well, does she have any relations or...

You know, I just wondered
if she had any sort of...

Well... In Norwich?

- Is this the hospital?
- No!

Just wait there. Don't move.

Ooh, doesn't this make a change?

Oh, it's not, it's Mrs...
Is that Mrs Stimpson?

- I'm sorry, I just wondered...
- Laura's disappeared!

She didn't tell you she was going?

Not a word and the car's been stolen!

I'm so sorry, Mrs Wisely, I'm so sorry.

We're waiting for the police.
My husband's out of his mind with worry.

He says...

- that she's in Norwich.
- Yes.

I just somehow thought perhaps...
Oh, hello, Mrs Stimpson.

I just somehow wondered if...

Of course, everyone knows except me!

Well, Norwich? What can she
be doing in Norwich?

I'll tell you what she's doing in Norwich.

She's going to the annual meeting
of the Headmasters' Conference.

- Oh, no!
- You mean...?

- Yes.
- You don't mean...?

Of course, he wouldn't take me.

I said I'd sit in the hotel.
I'd eat in McDonald's.

But oh, no! Because he's taking her.

She said it was cello, every evening.
I knew it wasn't cello!

- A schoolgirl, a child!
- She's got her A-levels!

Oh, look! A little family party.
Isn't that nice?

Uh, I think I'd better...
I think I must be...

I haven't said anything
about his work, work, work.

I haven't said anything about his
everlasting Conservative meetings,

- but I'm not going to put up with this.
- Which one's the hospital?

The hospital?
I think it's along the bypass.

Her father'll kill her!

Can we see over the house?
Is it open today?

Get in the car!

I told you to stay in the car.

What a day!

- Where next?
- Norwich!

So she said, "What happened
to Mother's blue teapot?"

So I said, "Well, you're
the last person to ask..."

Where's the other one?

She's in Norwich! She's at a conference
of headmasters with the headmaster.

His wife's beside herself and what about
her A-levels? We've got to find her, Ted.

You've got to talk to her. Get the car out.
Oh, the car's been stolen.

She's taken the car. She can't drive.

Mrs Wisely? Stolen car?

- There! There!
- There?

Here!

Now keep calm. Don't go mad.

Well, what are you waiting for?

"Mother's blue teapot indeed," I said.

"Well, you should know,
you were the last to see it."

Then the next thing I know,
she's eyeing the sherry glasses.

Well, she's always been
eyeing the sherry glasses

ever since she first came to the house.

- Ten o'clock in the morning?
- What?

You had a row with your boyfriend
at ten o'clock in the morning?

- I had a free.
- Study periods are for study, Laura.

Evening is the proper time
to have rows with your boyfriend.

I couldn't see him in the evening.

Does the sun ever appear
late over the horizon,

saying, "Please, sir, the bus was full,
the train was on strike"?

His wife wouldn't let him
go out in the evening.

If the sun depended on public transport
to arrive each day...

His wife?!

It's okay. He didn't get on with her.

I suppose you have passed
the driving test, Laura?

- As good as.
- What's that supposed to mean?

- I only failed on one thing.
- Right, pull in!

Now please, at once!

Let's get one thing straight at any rate.

Get in the other side.

Blue 1100.

A million blue 1100s.

A middle-aged man and a girl.

That's life, I'm afraid, Laura.

You can drive,
but you haven't passed the test.

I, on the other hand, have passed
the test but wouldn't claim...

Whoa!

Don't worry, we'll just pull
the wing away from the wheel.

She'll be all right.

It'll all be covered, Laura.
Your dad's insurance.

I'm the one they'll summons.

I'm the one who'll have to tell your dad.

Yes, and another thing.
Have you stopped for petrol anywhere?

Petrol?

No, we filled it up yesterday.

Um!

Didn't we, Laura?

No! That's part of our car!

It's jangling all about, I can hear it.

It's scratching the paint.

We must find a phone, warn them
I'm not going to be there until four.

Does the tide ever go out
during a study period, saying,

"Please, sir, I'm having
a row with my boyfriend"?

It isn't someone on the staff, is it?

It's not Mr Slidewell?

Mr Fellowdew?

- It's not Mr Jolly?
- No!

I wasn't anywhere near him.

You realise if you're not licensed,
we're not insured.

12:59.

Phone! Here we are.

10p. Have you got 10p?

All right then, in the third race tipping
number four for a win and number seven...

Sorry!

University of Norwich.

They're vandalising
those phones again, Pat!

All right, Mum, just going!

- When's lunch?
- Now. Granny's just getting it.

Tell Tom and Boo lunch is on the table.

The phones, Pat!

They're at the phones again.

Just put my woolly on.

University of Norwich.

A girl and a boy.

He's showing off his muscles
and she's egging him on.

I'll try and keep them talking
till the police get here.

- Sergeant Potter speaking.
- Yes...

University of Norwich.

Thank God, look...

I'm calling long distance
and I've only got one 10p,

so could you please
take a message and pass it on

to the secretary
of the Headmasters' Conference?

University of Norwich.

Yes, our annual meeting's
being held there. It starts at five.

Would you tell him I was
supposed to be there at three...

Hello. University of Norwich.

Can't you hear me?

I said, would you tell him
I'm going to be slightly...

Put your money in the box, caller.

I've put my money in the box!

It's eaten the money!

I haven't got any more money!

Right!

How old are you?

It's out of order.

I'll tell you how old you are.

You're two years and one day
older than me.

I mean, it took the money and...

Pat?

- Well, fancy meeting you like this!
- Good God!

- You don't live here?
- No, no.

- No, no. No, I'm...
- No, I don't live here.

I don't even live in England.
I'm just seeing my mum.

Isn't that amazing?

- Well...
- Anyway, Brian...

You don't have to tell me what you're
up to these days because I can see.

- You're late!
- No, no.

No, it was the third
telephone box in a row.

Still late for everything, are you, Brian?

No, I'm not late these days,
as a matter of fact...

What was it this time, Brian?
Buses on strike? Got the wrong train?

I'm not late!

- I'd say come and have lunch.
- Uh, unfortunately...

All right, Brian.
Just your luck, isn't it?

Running into someone you haven't seen
for 20 years when you're late already.

No, no, I'm not late.
I'm merely in a hurry.

Well, give me a kiss and I'll let you run.

Lovely to see you again, Brian.

Here, come on, and I'll give
you Mum's number.

You can phone me when you've got a moment.

Oh, right.

You won't believe this, but your dad and I

were at training college together,
and he was late...

Pat, could I make a phone call?

He was late the first time he took me out.

He was late every time he took me out.

He was late the day
he collected his diploma.

Oh, he hasn't told you about all that.

Haven't you told her about
your murky past then?

He's not even listening.

I said you're not even listening.

Suppose not.

Out!

Well, I can see your mind's on
other things. I mustn't hold you up.

Yes, we must be on our way.

No!

Oh! She won't let
poor old Dad drive, will she?

No, I won't!

She's lovely, Brian.
A real glint in her eye.

Yes. Uh, Pat, can you drive?

Great to see you, anyway. Can I drive?

You've passed your test?
You've got a licence?

Yes. What's all this about?

Have a drive! Go on!
See what you think. All right?

Just round the block.

I'd like to know what you think. Come on!

Well, I thought you were late.

Oh, I'm not late!

Funny man you are, Brian.

I haven't driven in this country
for 20 years.

Never mind, off you go.

- Married a dentist down under.
- Right.

Just brought the kids over to stay
with Mum. We were going to have lunch.

- Right. Let's go.
- You've got time for lunch, haven't you?

I bet you're starving.
I've got one your age.

- Well, I am, rather.
- Later, later! Get the drive over first!

All right. Once round the block then.

Close your eyes and pray.

- On the left still, isn't it?
- Right.

- On the right?
- Left, left!

Right.

Stop them! Stop them!

What? They, they did the phone?

The phone, yes, but now they've
kidnapped my daughter.

It's lovely.

- What?
- The car.

Oh, right!

There's perhaps something
not quite right up here somewhere.

That's the wing.

The wing?

He pulled it off. Dad'll kill me.

It's Dad's car. It's not his car.

He's not my father. He's Mr Stimpson.

Why did you tell her I was your daughter?

Um, daughter? Who, me?
No, son. I haven't got a daughter.

What, Laura? Laura's one of my girls.

One of my sixth formers.
She's very kindly driving me to Norwich.

It's a Headmasters' Conference.
I'm a headmaster now.

Yes, well, I'll say goodbye then, Brian.

You can't stop here!

- It's all right, I'll walk back.
- P... Police car.

It's your life, Brian. I don't want to say
anything. I just don't want to get involved.

Keep going, keep going!

We'll be out in the county in a minute.
My children don't know where I am.

- We're just sitting down to lunch.
- It's all right. We'll find a bus stop.

- Find a bus stop?
- Here's a bus stop.

You can't stop at a bus stop!

- Well, where am I going?
- Straight out!

Well done.

- Hooting.
- Oh, don't mind him!

I don't know where we are.
I don't know where we're going!

I'll tell you. Hold on.

It was always the same thing.

You feel sorry for them, don't you?

You'd start off in evening dress
and silver dance shoes,

and end up running, your skirt in
your hand and your heel down a grating.

And then they turn round
and scream at you.

- Next left. Be posted to Northampton.
- Northampton!

We'll put you on the train.

What do you mean,
you'll put me on the train?

They're sitting round the table!
They're waiting to start lunch!

Well, get a move on then!

Put your foot down!

It's like being 19 again.

I hated being 19.

Right, fine.

We shouldn't be doing this kind
of speed, not in a car like this.

Right, right.

Listen to it, it's coming to pieces.

Terrible, terrible.

Now where am I going?
I'm going left, am I?

Right, fine.

Right?

All right, ten minutes
and we'll be in Northampton.

Northampton was left.

That was our turn?

- You said "right".
- I said "left"!

Look, Brian, don't you shout at me!

- Can't anyone tell left from right?
- She's doing her best!

Right. Just take the next left, will you?

I'll get straight out of the car.

You can't get out of the car now
until we get to Northampton.

Always late!

Always trying to make it my fault,
always screaming at me.

I was not screaming,
I was merely saying "left". Left.

And now they've made you headmaster.

It's like putting a shark
in charge of a swimming pool!

Left.

Left.

Left! Left! Left!

What's this? This isn't going anywhere!

It's going back to the Northampton Road.

They'll be out of their minds.

Just keep absolutely calm
and turn left and left again.

So, left here.

Perfect, thank you.

Well done.

Now, we just go round
the next corner and...

Now what?

Don't worry. We just go back.

Back?

Right. Reverse.

How did this happen to me?

In reverse gear.

Put it into reverse.

Show her where reverse is, Laura.

Good, well done. Come on then. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Well done.

Come on... Stop!

This is a historic moment.

Little did I dream
that I should be sitting here...

When are we going to have lunch?

Into the field.

- Into the field?
- Just do as I say.

We'll get something
to eat in Northampton.

We're going to hit the road
in about 100 yards.

I know this is wrong!

I know it! I know it!

It'll be just beyond that next hedge.

Just beyond the next hedge.

Look, I can see the cars!

I can see them moving. Right then...

There's no track!

We've come to the end of the track.

We don't need a track.
It's grass. Come on!

Perhaps I sound a
little old-fashioned,

but, you know, we live in a world where
time is becoming, not less important,

but ever more so.

Imagine a spacecraft running late.

It might miss its orbit completely
and find itself wandering off

into the trackless depths of the universe.

Nightmare! Nightmare!

Hold it, Pam, hold it.
Let's just have a quiet think.

I'm never going to get home!

Stop it! You'll break the engine!

Thank you. Thank you.
Now, it's five to two.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry? We're all hungry.

We can't eat now because
we're in the middle of a field.

So, we have to adapt to our circumstances.

Now, I wanted to be in Norwich at three
to greet everyone as they arrive.

I can't be there at three,

so instead I want to be there at five
in time to deliver my speech.

This is how mankind has evolved
from the primeval slime,

by adapting to circumstances.

We can't go forwards,
so we'll go backwards instead.

Put it in reverse for her, Laura.
I'll push.

Right? Right.

Huh!

No! Thank you.

Stay here. Don't move.

Excuse me!

Hello!

Uh, can you tell me...? Do you know...?

Um, is there anyone round
here with a tractor?

Won my bet, anyway.

Watched you go down the meadow there.

Bet myself a cheese sandwich
you wouldn't get as far as the bottom.

Right, we're stuck.
We need a tractor to pull us out!

- Havin' a day in the country, are you?
- Not really. Is there a farm near here?

Gettin' close to nature?

Right, right.

We're in rather a hurry, you see.
I have to be in Norwich by five.

Norwich? You're goin' to Norwich?

Yes, so if we can just find a tractor...

What? Shortcut, is it?

Lost our way. So we must
quickly find a tractor.

Well... My advice is this...

Yes?

- If you're goin' this way...
- Yes.

- Find a tractor...
- A tractor, yes.

And stay on the bloody thing
all the way to Norwich.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- I'll tell you something else...
- Yes, thank you.

Know what I'm sittin' on?

A bomb, I hope.

All right, my old dear.

You look that way and I'll look this.

And I bet you a jam tart...

I find a tractor first.

Headin' for Norwich, I believe?

Some of us.

Dodged the traffic, anyway.

Come on! Come on!

Oh, for God's sake,
turn the record player down.

Ah, right. Um, there you are.

Now, a tractor. I'm looking for a tractor.

You don't have a tractor here, do you?

I'm so sorry, but it is rather urgent.
I have to be in Norwich by...

Of course, a monastery.

I might have guessed.

Have they found a tractor?

Oh.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Wasn't important.

I'm sorry to let them down, that's all.
It doesn't matter to me.

It was important for the school.

Would've meant so much to the children.

Well...

I suppose we couldn't ring for a taxi?

No phone?

It would have meant a lot
to my mother, of course...

if she'd been alive.

I mean, I'd be happy to enter
a monastery and never speak again.

We speak.

I'm sorry, I... I just assumed...

I'm sorry.

What do you think I should do then?

Have a bath, perhaps?

They're women.

Funny ol' boyfriend you girls
have found yourselves.

Takes you off for a bit of nature study
in the country,

then slips off and enters a monastery!

- Right, I'm off.
- Mr Stimpson?

Are you coming with me or aren't you?

- It's our car!
- I'm not waiting.

Mr Stimpson!

Mr Stimpson!

Mr Stimpson!

♪ He who would valiant be

♪ 'Gainst all disaster

♪ Let him in constancy

♪ Follow the Master

♪ There's no discouragement

♪ Shall make him once relent

♪ His first avowed intent

- ♪ To be... ♪
- Mr Stimpson!

- ♪ Do but themselves confound ♪
- Mr Stimpson!

Quick, where are you?

It's your friend, she won't wait!

They can't find a tractor.

We've got one. It's pulled us out.

What are you doing?

I'm having a bath.

You've got one?

- She's going!
- I'll be right down.

Well?

He's having a bath.

A bath? Why not a sauna
and massage as well?

Again!

Mr Stimpson?

Where is she?

She's gone. I said,
"He's having a bath," and she went.

Stop her!

It's our car!

Come on! Come on!

End of the lane!

Ah, can't! Can't!

Sandals!

We found the... the road, anyway.

It's not the despair, Laura.

I can stand the despair, it's the hope!

There!

Blue Morris 1100, registration number
Romeo Delta X-Ray 364 Juliet.

We've also got Mrs Garden,
reported missing, believed kidnapped.

State of shock,
otherwise appears all right.

No sign of the girl.

She's at the monastery.

Oh, she's apparently in a monastery.

No sign of the male suspect.

He's in the bath.

He's in the bath.

In the monastery?

In the bath, in a monastery.

It's gonna take a bit of sorting out,
this one!

We'll bring Mrs Garden in, anyway.

We're charging her with
taking and driving away,

driving a vehicle in
an unroadworthy condition,

exceeding the speed limit
and assaulting a police officer.

Nearly there!

One little slip, Laura, that's all.

Said "right", meant "left".

One word!

Going!

Gone!

I've lied for this, Laura, I've stolen.

I've taken you out of school.

Well, I suppose this is
a form of education.

It's an education for me, Laura.

You still haven't had any lunch.

We'll get something.

In your suit.

In the bathroom.

Even lost the time.

He's only a third in geography,
but he can read a balance sheet.

Our merchant bankers
thought we could reckon on 15%.

The Old Boys' Association raised
a quarter of a million in three months.

You know, our people suggested
floating the school off.

We're offering an A-level
in classic Arabic, of course.

And we hope the school mosque
will finished in time for Ramadan.

That's one in the eye for Millfield,
anyway.

We're also planning
a Deutsche Mark offshore fund.

We have to be prepared
for any political eventuality.

We do have the same accountants
as Mick Jagger, so I hope it won't be...

So anyway an air crew came down and
checked out our security arrangements,

with particular reference to the bombs.

Did you ring the school?

They say he left at ten.

He said he was going to be here by three.

I'm sorry. I... I'm... just...

I don't know whether...

Extraordinary appointments
some governors make these days.

Or is that the state sector?

Chap over there came on
a motorcycle by the look of it.

What?

Good God!

It's some woman!

- How did she get in?
- Excuse me.

And at Easter, I'm taking
the Classical Sixth to Jamaica.

Can I help you at all?

- Where is she? Where's Laura?
- I'm sorry?

Our daughter! He's going mad.
He'll have one of his attacks.

Oh! Oh, dear. Your daughter?

Well, let's go and have
a look for her, shall we?

I'm sorry, someone should've explained.
We don't bring wives and families.

Wives? No, you have 18-year-old girls

who are doing their A-levels.
I've never heard anything like it!

Yes, well, let's go upstairs
and discuss it in peace, shall we?

And where is he? Where's Mr Stimpson?

Mr Stimpson?

Ah! Mr Stimpson. Well...

I think you'll like our new prospectus.
It's being done by Saatchi & Saatchi.

Excuse me one moment.

Anyway, we're hoping the new solarium
will give our sixth form a bit more appeal

- at the top end of the market.
- I'm so sorry.

Would you take these good people upstairs,

to the room along the corridor
on the left?

Terrific! Delighted!

See that they have some tea.
I'll be with you in one moment.

Can I help you?

- I'm looking for Mr Stimpson.
- Do you both take sugar?

Oh, we're all looking for Mr Stimpson.
Come with me.

Won't be a moment, okay?

So of course I said,
"I don't drink sherry.

I'm a total abstainer,
as you very well know.

But I do not see why the sherry glasses

should go to Pam just because she drinks."

Why don't you have a cup of tea?

I told you to stay in the car!

Oh, you're another of
Mr Stimpson's party, are you?

Pour them some tea and take them upstairs,
the room along the corridor on the left.

Very well.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just...
I'll... fetch you a cup of...

- Ah, here we are.
- Excuse me.

He seems to have brought
his entire family.

There's another one here.

Let me guess,
you're looking for Mr Stimpson.

I'm looking for the head doctor.

Well, let's see what we can find upstairs.

Mr Stimpson?

Am I?

I don't know where I am or what I am.

I know the feeling.

Why don't you both make yourselves
comfortable in here?

I'll bring Mr Stimpson to you
just as soon as I've found him.

Terrible bore, I know,
but it is a private meeting.

"As a matter of fact," I said,
"it would be an unfair temptation

to put a sherry glass in her hand."

Mr Stimpson's party?

In here. In here.

Two more for you!

Terrific! Super!

This is the most exciting day!

Sit down!

Detective Sergeant Rice, Norwich CID.

I believe you have
a Mr Brian Stimpson here.

Nothing wrong, I hope.

We'd just like a word with him, sir.

Well, he hasn't arrived yet.
We're, um... We're waiting for him.

We'll wait too then, if we may.

I'll bring you some tea.

Stimpson supporters' club? In here.

Do you take sugar?

- Police looking for him now.
- Oh, no!

Little boys?

Well, if he's not here by five...

I suppose one of us could say a few words.

Yes, I could have a go, if you like.

Something about money, perhaps?

Usually a reliable standby.

I hope he's not lying in some ditch.

Oh, absolutely.

It was going to be the start of so much,
Laura. I was going to go into politics.

I used to think...

"When I become Secretary of State
for Education..."

Yes.

Don't laugh!

I thought I didn't mind.

When I was in the monastery, I thought
I'd resigned myself to it, but really...

I knew I'd still got time, you see.

Funny how you always know secretly

when the last moment is
and when it's gone.

And now it has...

I mind, Laura.

I mind.

- Mr Stimpson!
- Perhaps I could just...

lie here.

Mr Stimpson!

Wait!

Come on then, darling. What's the trouble?

Does this seat tip up?

Don't worry about the car. It's brand new.
Only got 12 miles on the clock.

What? Do you pull this lever?

Hang about! What's...

- What's all this?
- We're together.

I don't believe this!

He's got to get to Norwich.

Well, I've seen them pull
some stunts, but... a monk?

Okay. A monk! What can I do?

I'm surprised at you though, Father.

Putting a bird out at the side of the road,
hiding in the ditch.

Does your Father Superior
know you travel round like this?

Funny! You!

Speech? Like that?

What?

Frankly, Father, I'm shocked,
do you know that?

I'm not easily shocked, but I'm shocked.

- Can we stop?
- What?

Stop a moment. By these trees.

What's the trouble?

- Go for a little walk.
- Go for a walk?

In the woods.

You... You wanna go for a walk?

Don't you want to come?

What, you mean? What?

No one around!

Well, this beats everything.

Sorry about this, Father.
Five minutes, that's all.

Pick a few flowers.

- Come on then.
- Him?!

Oh, no!

Do you want him to come?
You want Father there?

Come on! The sun's out.

It's a funny old world, isn't it?

Look, I'll be frank, I'm out of my depth.

We could take our clothes off.

Go on then.

You first.

Go on.

Shoes.

Now you.

Now, Mr Stimpson.

Come on then.

Oh, now look, I'm not doing a solo.

Come on, be a monk.

Hey!

Key! Find the key!

I knew it! I knew it was a stunt
the moment he got in the car!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Give me that suit!
300 quid that suit cost me.

Ooh!

You've torn it. Monk? Monk?!

You've torn the sleeve
off a 300-guinea suit.

Oh, no! Not the car!

It's not mine! It's a customer's.
It's not insured.

Aaaaagh!

No, please!

Please, don't drive! Come back!

I knew it. From the moment
she stuck her thumb up.

Don't worry about the sleeve.
We'll get some Sellotape.

We've got some money now.

Feel in the pockets. How much have we got?

Oh, look! Hundreds and hundreds!

We could do anything.

We could get Chinese takeaways.

I saw this film on television once.

There was this bloke and this girl, and
they went round everywhere in this car,

robbing these banks and things!

Did you see that, Mr Stimpson?

Don't worry, I'll get you there.
I'm a better driver than her, anyway.

We should have taken his watch as well.

Do you know what's worrying me?

The way I always seem to
get involved with older men.

No point in waiting beyond five, is there?

No. I'm going to talk about charitable
status and moral leadership.

Why can't he keep those
damned women locked up?

So kind of you.

In everyone's way, as usual.

I'll just sit myself down.

Oh, dear. Lost again, are we?

Quite, quite lost.

Let's see if we can find your friends.

Excuse me, but I am not shouting at you!

Excuse me, but you are!

Excuse me, but I'm merely trying to get
it into your head that he is not here.

- Oh, here they all are!
- So when will he be here?

I don't know!

Debating about which word to do?

Can't you stop these people
wandering into the hall?

No, I can't. They keep
wanting to go to the loo.

Mrs Wheel needs to go to the ladies.

Do you see? And then they don't come back.

Call yourself a doctor?

Get me someone to escort them to the loo.

Oh, we're off again, are we?

Not you, you've been.

Detective Inspector Laundryman,
Regional Crime Squad.

Stimpson?

- Thought I'd have a few words with him.
- In here.

- Stimpson?
- What are you doing here, George?

Stimpson.

Taking and driving and assault?

No, taking and driving and kidnapping.

Right, inside then.

- What's going on here, George?
- And let's keep the door closed.

Er, gentlemen...

Gentlemen, if I might have
your attention for one moment.

Thank you.

And now the time is...

is exactly five o'clock, and I'm afraid
I have some bad news for you.

Our chairman, Mr Stimpson...

is here.

This is a historic moment.

I stand before you today
as your new chairman,

something that some of us never
expected to see happen in our lifetime.

We have come a long way together

to be where we are today.

A long way.

Who is she?

A long, long way.

And at this point,
I should perhaps explain that

during the course of my journey
I have become separated...

separated from the text of my speech.

So I hope you will forgive me
if I am a little disconnected.

Right.

So I stand here today
and I look out there,

and what do I see?

I see myself.

I see myself as I was then...

an obscure master from
an overawed comprehensive school.

Right. So, what was I doing there?

I was amazed to find herself...

I was amazed to find myself

invited to become one of your
very select handful

of additional women.

And I was even more amazed still
at what I was listening to,

because what I was listening to was...

Well, come in then if you're coming!

No, because what I was listening to was...

Are there any more of you out there?

All right. Find yourselves
somewhere to sit.

Right.

There I was listening to the headmasters
of schools with great and glorious names.

So kind of you.

Oh, sit down!

Yes, we're all waiting for you!

Thank you.

Right, so there I was,

listening to the headmasters of schools
with great and glorious names as they,

uh...

kicked round a variety of weighty topics,

as they expatiated upon
a variety of... of weighty balls.

I'm glad someone finds that funny.

Did he say what I think he said?

There's no need to whisper.

Please come up here and explain
the joke to the entire school.

And who's that creaking?

Come on, come on. Let's get it over with.

There's a seat down here, look.

Long way to Norwich, was it?

Long way to that seat, too.

Make yourself comfortable then.
Get all the creaking over.

No rush.

We've got all the time in the world.

Time! Right, because I should like,

before I pass on,
before I pass on to other matters,

to sound a note of warning.

And still they come.

I was just talking, you might be
interested to hear, about time.

I was going to say that
we all understood that lateness

was a discourtesy to others.

But I'm beginning to wonder.

You're beginning to wonder too, are you?

So perhaps the rest of us could
turn round and face the front,

and we'll all wonder together.

Right, thank you.

Because I am beginning to wonder

if I'd be the only person in the world

who'd be slightly surprised
if the tide came wandering in

half an hour after the lesson had started,

slammed all the doors,

and stood there gazing round the room

trying to find some chums to sit next to

while the rest of us

patiently wait to get on
with the day's events.

Perhaps I sound a little old-fashioned,
but imagine a spacecraft

that was endlessly interrupted
by latecomers and flapping doors.

It might just possibly go completely mad!

It might just possibly

lift off the launch pad and go

streaming off into the depths
of the universe,

and never be seen again
until the end of time!

Right. Hymn 122,

"He Who Would Valiant Be".

Hopeless.

♪ He who would valiant be

♪ Gainst all disaster

♪ Let him in constancy

♪ Follow the Master

♪ There's no discouragement

♪ Shall make him once relent

♪ His first avowed intent

♪ To be a pilgrim ♪

Mr Stimpson!

♪ Who so beset him round

♪ With dismal stories

♪ Do but themselves confound

♪ His strength the more is... ♪

Excuse me, sir.

Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson?

Brian! Brian, stay there.

- Mr Stimpson!
- Laura! Laura!

Excuse me!

Are you Mr Brian Stimpson of...

Look, do you have kids?

- I want to have a word with my husband.
- Get her out of there!

♪ This is my lovely day!

♪ This is my lovely day!

♪ This is the day I will remember

♪ The day I'm dying

♪ They can't take this away

♪ It will be always mine

♪ The sun and the wine

- ♪ The seabirds flying... ♪
- Would you just come this way, please?

Now, look, will you please look after her?

She's your responsibility.
Thank you very much.

Dad!

- Dad, help!
- Where are they going now?

Both seen driving away a
silver Porsche sports coupe.

Furthermore, there are also

various charges relating to the theft
of certain items of gents' clothing,

including an ecclesiastical vestment,
and of a wallet containing

approximately £1,230 in cash.

Do you wish to say anything?

You're not obliged to say anything
unless you wish to do so,

but whatever you say will be taken down
in writing and may be given in evidence.

Go right, right!

- Right? Eh?
- No, no! Left, left!

♪ My lovely day

♪ My lovely day

♪ My lovely day! ♪