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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,350 It seems to me you'd be mad to walk away from everything 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,270 you and Suzanne have built together. 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,350 You're right, our relationship deserves another try. 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,230 I'm so happy you took my taxi. You're a wise man. 5 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,270 No, you're the one walking this path, 6 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,350 I just maybe held back some of the brambles. 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,710 After you drop me at the airport, 8 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,870 you need to give that wife of yours a call. 9 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,550 I will, and I'll tell her I definitely want 10 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,510 to leave her for my goddaughter Suzanne. 11 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:31,560 Thank you! 12 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,710 Stephen, mate. 13 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,390 Hello. Sausage rolls for the wake. 14 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,790 Thoughts and prayers, fellow. 15 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,630 I've allowed three per person. 16 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,670 Seems about right. They're 80g each. 17 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,750 Stay strong enough to allow yourself to be weak, yeah. 18 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,190 I will try, somehow, to do that. 19 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,070 Your old man was great. 20 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,590 A living legend. 21 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,240 I mean, he's not any more, but... 22 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,900 Tough act to follow, right? 23 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:14,120 Thanks. 24 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,150 He fucking hated you, you tedious shitbag. 25 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,000 He used to spit in your ham roll. 26 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,430 - Will you have a panini, Geoff? - I will, Mike. 27 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,190 - Chorizo and brie. - Ah! 28 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,150 You doing the music for Laurie's wake tomorrow? 29 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,710 Yeah, got a super '70s playlist lined up. 30 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,990 Feel like I need to give him a big brother send-off. 31 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,310 Do you still watch Big Brother? 32 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,390 No, I meant because Laurie was my big brother. 33 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,230 We haven't watched it since Nadia was in it. 34 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,390 I never had you down as watching Big Brother, Geoff. 35 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,870 - Yeah, I don't watch it, Jan. - Oh. 36 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,470 Hi, checking in. 37 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,630 En route to Mum's. 38 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,670 Oh, good day, Stephen. Fancy a panini? 39 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,710 - No, thank you. - Jan and I are loving the panini maker. 40 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,230 Highlight of the refurb. 41 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,150 It's a good refurb, isn't it? 42 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,710 All the pine. 43 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,070 It was expensive. 44 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,590 - Really expensive. - Very costly indeed, wasn't it? 45 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,760 But I like to think I got it right. 46 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,750 People could really grow to like it. 47 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,470 Yes! It's really, really thorough. 48 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,950 Whenever I'd show Dad the photos towards the end, 49 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,430 he'd just hit his morphine button and smile, so... 50 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:32,110 Aw! Don't feel like you have to keep it all bottled up just cos of us. 51 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,230 - I don't. - You been to see Laurie yet, lying at rest, 52 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,750 talked to him one last time? 53 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,310 Not technically, or actually. 54 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,710 - I'm not sure that I... - You've only got till half six. 55 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,990 Go see him. Tell him you love him. 56 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,390 You weren't there when he passed. 57 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,790 I was stuck in a queue at the cash-and-carry. 58 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,430 The tills went literally mental. 59 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,470 You should go to the funeral place. 60 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,550 Closure's important. 61 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,150 For me, the fact that he's dead 62 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,990 already has quite a large element of closure about it. 63 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,040 Aw... 64 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,530 ~ 65 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,280 I'm really sorry. 66 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,400 ~ 67 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,070 I'm so sorry. I don't even know what language you're speaking. 68 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,590 He's speaking Basque, 69 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,230 the beautiful language of the Basque country. 70 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,550 May I? 71 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600 I wouldn't say I was fluent, but... 72 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:31,720 Thank you. 73 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,230 I got the sausage rolls for the wake! 74 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,470 I went to for the one up from economy. 75 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,510 13% pork. 76 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,350 So genetically closer to a cucumber. 77 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,910 I'm in Dad's office, love. 78 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,510 'End of messages. 79 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,710 I've been listening to your dad's last message from the hospital. 80 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,680 You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere. 81 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,550 You have one saved message. 82 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,710 'I just rang to say I love you, Ellen. 83 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,110 That's all there is, really, isn't it? 84 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:11,110 Love, family, when you actually... 85 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,350 Oh, shit, I've dropped my yoghurt. 86 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,510 Oh, fuck it all to hell! 87 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,670 End of messages. 88 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:17,790 Laurie to a T. 89 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,270 Loving his family. 90 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,830 Dropping is yoghurt. 91 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,750 - Do you want? - I'm fine, thanks. 92 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,190 It's only grass, love. 93 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,230 Yeah, don't worry. 94 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,720 I just had a massive toke on my brown inhaler. 95 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,950 Mum, erm, I've got a vision for the future of the business. 96 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,320 - Have you? - I think Dad liked what I did with the refurb. 97 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,350 So I'm stepping up. 98 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,190 There's no-one else to fill Dad's shoes. 99 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,390 Cass isn't interested. 100 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,310 No, she's like me, creative. 101 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,760 So, Mum, my vision is... 102 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,030 I would actually say that I'm quite creative, too. 103 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,190 Of course you are, sweetheart. 104 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,790 My vision is static caravans in the field behind the pub. 105 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,950 For holidays. Four caravans, five, maybe even six, who knows? 106 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,790 But most likely four. 107 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,710 We could really start moving forward. 108 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,990 I mean, they're static, but you get my point. 109 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,310 Let's bury your dad first. 110 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,030 That's the priority. 111 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,200 Copy that. 112 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,400 Sir, sir? 113 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,630 Ladies and gentlemen, if there's 114 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,910 a doctor on board or anyone trained in CPR, 115 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,360 please do make yourself known to the cabin crew. 116 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,920 Hi, it's me. Can I help? 117 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,670 Stephen, go and see Dad's body 118 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,870 and tell him you love him before it's too late. 119 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,070 It's really important. 120 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,470 This is Geoff's doing, isn't it? 121 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,990 No. Shit! 122 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,150 Geoff! 123 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,150 It's not just me. Cassie's concerned, as well. 124 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,350 And your mum, and Mike and Jan, and the guy on the phone-in... 125 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,910 You rang a phone-in about me? 126 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,190 Love a phone-in. 127 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,270 Don't know what I'd do without phone-ins, or PornHub. 128 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,710 Have you seen Dad's body? 129 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,030 Yes! I mean, no, 130 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,550 but I was with him in the hospice until he was nearly dead. 131 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,190 If he hadn't been talking and eating a sweet, he'd have been dead. 132 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,110 I've been four times to the funeral parlour. It's a comfort. 133 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,990 It's weird. 134 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,830 Shit! Mum's out. 135 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,070 Have you got your keys? 136 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,430 No. Maybe. I don't know. 137 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,070 Who always knows where their keys are? 138 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,110 Everyone who has a door. 139 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,160 Come on. 140 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,150 They've tried to make it look like he's just asleep in the coffin, 141 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,670 but it hasn't really worked. 142 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,110 Well, Dad slept naked and on his front so, in a way, I'm glad. 143 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,230 Mum's gone for a wicker coffin. 144 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,390 Reminds me of the baskets we used to use for food in the pub. 145 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,750 Here we go, folks. 146 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,070 Dad's like a giant scampi. 147 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,270 Fresh from the shining sea. 148 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,950 Frozen from Shitty-bijan, more like. 149 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,510 Don't do your homework in the pub, Stephen. 150 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,550 Do it at home. 151 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,030 It's hard to concentrate 152 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,390 with all the foster kids and everything. 153 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,310 - Be quiet! Sit down! - Food's ready! 154 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,550 Go fuck yourself. 155 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,070 "Go fuck yourself" isn't on the menu, Jeanette, 156 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,510 prawn curry is. 157 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,520 Little weirdo. Little shit goblin! 158 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,600 I guess I'm just scared of seeing his... 159 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,070 - His? - Cadaver. 160 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,470 And fear is good. 161 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,590 My ancestors ran away from tigers, 162 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,790 all the fearless fuckers got eaten. 163 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,430 Don't leave things unsaid, son. 164 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,830 When's the last time you told your dad you loved him? 165 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,110 I don't think I ever did. 166 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,950 - Stephen! - It never came up. 167 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,670 And then there's this whole unresolved argument you had 168 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,750 with him about Fred Perry versus Andy Murray. 169 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,110 We did resolve that, we agreed to differ. 170 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,790 Was Dad still going on about that on his deathbed? 171 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,950 I bet. 172 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,310 Look, we'll leave you to ponder. 173 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,750 You've got till half six, 174 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,300 then the funeral place shuts. 175 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,310 Do you have any quite strong lager? 176 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,360 Sure. 177 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,870 Hi. 178 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:54,950 Hi. 179 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,030 Would you mind keeping an eye on my dog? 180 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,040 - Not a problem. - Thanks so much. 181 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840 Your mum's sexy. 182 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,670 I mean your owner. 183 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,320 I haven't met your birth mother. 184 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,840 I'm sure she's lovely. 185 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,470 I only wish I could've done more. 186 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,790 You did all you could. 187 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,360 No-one else came forward. 188 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,990 - You're a good man. - Thank you. 189 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,360 I just want to try to make a difference. 190 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,830 Another can of quite strong lager? 191 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:44,950 No, thanks. 192 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000 I need to be somewhere and say something to someone. 193 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,630 - Do you think she's all right? - Who's all right? 194 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,600 The lady who owns this dog, she asked me to look after it. 195 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,190 The sexy woman who was sitting over there. 196 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,630 No, didn't notice her. 197 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,710 Well, maybe check the toilet. I presume she went to the toilet. 198 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,030 There's no-one in the toilet. 199 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,990 We've got one toilet, I was just in there. 200 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,670 There wasn't a sexy woman with me. 201 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,950 Well, I need to go, so I'll leave the dog here 202 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,830 and I'm guessing she'll come back for it. 203 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,470 You can't leave your dog here. 204 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,910 As I say, it's not my dog. 205 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,310 As far as I'm concerned, it's your dog. 206 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,550 Not my dog, is it? 207 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,110 Is that piss coming out of its basket? 208 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,280 That would be my guess. 209 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,230 Hi, sorry. Can I see my dad? 210 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,310 I've just closed up, Stephen, so... 211 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,910 But, could I just quickly...? 212 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,230 You can't take your cat in. 213 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,910 It's not my cat, it's my dog. 214 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,030 And it's not MY dog. 215 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,230 OK, I'll just miss the start. 216 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,550 - Of... - Oh, nothing. 217 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,190 Just going to the theatre with Jill. 218 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,190 We don't get out as much as we'd like to, what with the wheelchair. 219 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,430 I'll text her. 220 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,470 We can download something. 221 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,390 - Erm... - Now, let me remember the alarm code. 222 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,790 Going blank. 223 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,950 Don't want guess and end up with five squad cars here. 224 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,830 - That's happened. - Actually, it's fine. 225 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,150 By the time we get in, 226 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,470 you'll be even later and I'll be aware of that while 227 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,310 looking at the corpse. 228 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,990 Clock ticking, as it were. 229 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,350 So, you go. 230 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,230 Thanks and sorry. 231 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280 But thanks again. 232 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,830 Look, Dad, I didn't get to, 233 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,080 you know, say that I... 234 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,550 OK, first of all, I need to clarify 235 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,950 the Fred Perry versus Andy Murray thing. 236 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,470 I was talking primarily about temperament. 237 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,830 Perry for all his... 238 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,310 All right, mate? 239 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,350 All right? 240 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,390 Dog piss. 241 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,680 So, Dad, we never... 242 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,720 We both knew, didn't we, that some things that... 243 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,160 Anyway, there's something I... I need to say... 244 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,470 .. that I was never able to... 245 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,630 I can't believe Dad is gone. 246 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,190 I mean... Dad. 247 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,750 Best dad. 248 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,550 Gone. 249 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,960 Yes, "Dad". 250 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,950 My dad has gone. 251 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,070 Look, I was just... 252 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,710 Go ahead, don't mind me. 253 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,670 I was just remembering the wonderful times... 254 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,950 .. with Dad. 255 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,070 Dear, sweet Dad. 256 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,230 Sorry, do I know you? 257 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,790 Andrew Donnelly, I'm your brother. 258 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:06,990 No, you're not. 259 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,070 1987, March 15th to August 6th. 260 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,630 I was your foster brother. 261 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,150 Oh! Oh, right. 262 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,470 You're one of those. 263 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,830 Yes, of course. 264 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,110 - I'm Stephen. - I know. 265 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,150 Of course. 266 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,440 You carry on with what you were saying. 267 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520 No, I... 268 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,720 It's fine. 269 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,190 Bye, Dad. 270 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,400 You meant everything to me, and I'll love and miss you forever. 271 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,190 I popped into the John Barleycorn on the way here. 272 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,630 First time in 30 years. 273 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,630 Wow. And the big refurb? 274 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,270 Oh, that would be a great idea. 275 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,350 The sooner the better. 276 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,710 Rip out that tired old pine. 277 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,350 Must be killing the walk-in trade. 278 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,030 - When was it last done? - They finished last week. 279 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,950 Oh, right. Yeah, I mean, I probably didn't have enough time 280 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,190 to take it all in. 281 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,470 Still surfing my memories. 282 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,550 - I got you a Toblerone. - Right. 283 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:20,190 - Thanks? - Toblerone, your favourite back in the day. 284 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,560 "This is the Toblerone zone." 285 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:35,470 Who dares try to enter the Toblerone zone? 286 00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:37,470 What's the password? 287 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,990 - Hi, Dad! - Hey, guys! 288 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,950 I was wondering if you wanted to go to Chessington World Of Adventures 289 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,520 - in my shiny red car. - Yay! 290 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,510 You remember your time with us very vividly. 291 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,750 I kept a diary, 292 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,630 which I've typed up and synced across all my devices. 293 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,590 Don't you remember the Toblerone zone? 294 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,630 Erm... 295 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,830 Can I have some help cleaning the beer lines? 296 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,910 - They're filthy. - Yep. 297 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,990 Don't eat chocolate in your bedroom, Stephen. 298 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,960 This is the real world, not the Beano. 299 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,030 Science can't explain everything. 300 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:31,670 Look at the Turin Shroud. 301 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,790 Doctors only know what they've been taught. 302 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,950 Precisely. Medical science doesn't have all the answers. 303 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,950 If homoeopathy works, then it works. 304 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,990 - That's my view. - I actually think the arnica and fentanyl did far more 305 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,670 to ease Laurie's pain than the gallons of bloody morphine 306 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,870 they swilled down his throat. 307 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,240 Oh, excuse me. 308 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,510 Aw, it's good to let yourself cry. 309 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,350 No, this is a reaction. 310 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,670 I mean, to dog hair, not grief. 311 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,670 Although, obviously I'm grieving, 312 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,150 just not to the extent that my eyelids swell up. 313 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,230 I have to say, that dog of yours doesn't appear to be toilet trained. 314 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,070 It's an asthma-causing piss and vomit machine 315 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,870 and there's a reason science has chosen 316 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,710 never to replicate that machine. 317 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,270 Still, she's very cute, don't you think, Tom? 318 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,670 I don't like small dogs. 319 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,230 They're not really dogs, are they? 320 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,710 I mean, seeing a big, tall guy or even a guy your size, Stephen, 321 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,200 walking a tiny dog, it's emasculating, isn't it? 322 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,320 - No, mate, you go on. - I'm fine. Thank you. 323 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,830 Oh, Cat Stevens. 324 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,430 The governor. 325 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,830 Laurie loved his '70s sounds. 326 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,070 Terrific time. What are you running audio-wise? 327 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,910 Bluetooth speaker, got the iPad hooked up to it, 328 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,950 wireless, crystal clear. 329 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,910 How did we manage in the old days? 330 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,510 Vinyl's making a comeback. 331 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,280 Yeah, for cunts. 332 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:07,230 You're absolutely right. They're just useless sugar pills. 333 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:11,270 Yeah. Homeopathy's hardly reiki or that thing with the magnets, is it? 334 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,550 Homeopathy's a scam, in my view. 335 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,230 Nice to have Andrew back, isn't it? 336 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,430 He was our favourite foster child. 337 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,590 I know, you're not meant to have favourites, 338 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,750 but some of them were genuine arseholes. 339 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,710 He was in touch with Dad on Facebook. 340 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,070 Dad was on Facebook? 341 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,630 220 friends. 342 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,190 Do you not do Facebook, Stephen? 343 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,910 Didn't sign up at first, thought I'd missed the boat, 344 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,390 then most people signed up 345 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,710 and it turned out I hadn't missed the initial boat, 346 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,710 but I definitely have missed that second, much larger boat. 347 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,190 He's done some amazing things, haven't you, Andrew? 348 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,070 Laurie was very impressed, said you were a business marvel. 349 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,270 What amazing things? 350 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,590 Oh, nothing, really. You don't need to list them, Ellen. 351 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,310 He ran a cafe in Sydney, 352 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,110 interior designer in Lisbon, photographer, 353 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,790 property developer, managed a reggae band... 354 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,150 - They were more heavy ska. - A heavy ska band. 355 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,790 Laurie was bowled over. 356 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,470 When he knew he was... on the way out, 357 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,910 he wondered whether Andrew might help you out 358 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,710 in the transition period. 359 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,790 Sorry, what? 360 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,950 While you're finding your feet with the business. 361 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,150 Dad was just aware that, you know, 362 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,190 in London, after college, 363 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,270 not that you failed as a lawyer -- you didn't fail... 364 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,750 Most of those people got a significant proportion 365 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,150 of their money back and officially, I resigned. 366 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:27,590 I know, Dad was just thinking two heads better than one, you know? 367 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,070 Stephen, sorry, you need to... 368 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,990 I think the dog might be dying. 369 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,550 Can you still shit when you're dying? 370 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,040 Very much so. 371 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,470 And you don't remember this Andrew being fostered with you guys at all? 372 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,110 There were so many of the fuckers I lost track. 373 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,190 Like the Sugababes. 374 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,350 I'm afraid your dog isn't well. 375 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,910 It's not actually my dog, 376 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,870 it's a sexy lady's dog. 377 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,350 Not this sexy lady. 378 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,510 I'm not saying I find her sexy. 379 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,870 I mean, I did once, 380 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,950 we were married, but we've both totally moved on now and... 381 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,110 Do go on. The dog's not well, you say? 382 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,990 I think she has pyometra, a quite serious infection of the uterus. 383 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,430 We're going to need to do a scan to confirm, but if it is pyometra, 384 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,550 she'll need an operation as soon as possible. 385 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,070 How much is a scan? 386 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:12,750 Around £300. 387 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,470 And the operation would be? 388 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,480 Probably £1,200, plus VAT. 389 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,630 OK. And the alternative? 390 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,150 If this condition goes untreated she'll die of septic shock, 391 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,440 so the alternative is to euthanize her. 392 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,510 - For £50. - Plus VAT? 393 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:30,790 Yes. 394 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:31,830 Well, there's... 395 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,510 There's no question, is there? 396 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,110 - Isn't there? - Is there? 397 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,150 It's up to you. 398 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,040 I would make no moral judgment. 399 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:45,430 Do the scan and then the operation if you need to. 400 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,110 We'll keep her here and we'll be in touch. 401 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,830 Right. Next move, Andrew. 402 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,190 He can't just waltz in and be a part of everything. 403 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,430 You need to go back home and assert yourself as head of the family. 404 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,230 I will. I shall. 405 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,470 Captain Assertion. 406 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,030 And that was a great thing you've just done for that little dog. 407 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,950 I'm very fond of the dog. 408 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,200 She's a very sweet little dog. 409 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,910 - How's the dog? - Fuck the dog. Come on. 410 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,230 Like the music, lads? 411 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:13,070 - Super '70s. - It's great. 412 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,670 One guy I didn't put on, 413 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,750 Glitter, Gary Glitter. 414 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,750 - Paul Francis Gadd, Esq. - Right, for obvious reasons. 415 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,670 Do you want to know what I'd do to paedos? 416 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,630 - No, I don't. - I would burn them alive. 417 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,710 Yeah, I really don't want this discussion, Geoff. 418 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,350 - Not right now. - I would happily pull the lever. 419 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,510 What lever? Where does a lever come into burning someone alive? 420 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,590 Maybe the lever tips petrol over them 421 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,870 while simultaneously striking a match. 422 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,710 So this is some sort of Wilf Lunn contraption for incinerating humans? 423 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,710 Ah! They're not human, though. 424 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,230 That's the whole fucking thing. 425 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,350 Do you want to know what I'd do to people who batter old folk? 426 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,590 Drown them? 427 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,070 Yeah, I would. 428 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:54,270 Happily pull the lever. 429 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,110 Yeah, a lot easier to see how a lever might work in that scenario. 430 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:58,160 Mmm. 431 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,750 What is this? What's your game? 432 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,270 There's no game, I promise you. 433 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,510 Is this a con? 434 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:11,110 Is it a Martin Guerre thing, you've assumed this guy's identity? 435 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,430 The time I lived here was the best five months of my life. 436 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,750 It made me able to go out and, 437 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,390 all modesty aside, conquer the world. 438 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,870 You really have put modesty quite a long way over to the side there. 439 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:27,550 But, for all my success, I feel there's something missing. 440 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,910 I need to plug back in to the mother ship. 441 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,390 This, here, is the closest thing to a family I've ever had. 442 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,630 You, Dad... 443 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,950 Shut up! For fuck's sake, stop calling him Dad! 444 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,950 This man is my dad, OK? Not yours. 445 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,070 I feel I've hit a nerve. 446 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:45,710 He wasn't your dad. 447 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,430 He was my fucking dad! 448 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,230 My dead fucking dad, 449 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,030 and you can't appropriate him, 450 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,910 however many fucking countries you've lived in, 451 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,110 you massive fucking orphan. 452 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,790 'Fuck it all to hell. 453 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,270 'Message deleted. 454 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,150 Fuck. No, what have I done? 455 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,590 - How do I get it back? - I don't think you can get it back. 456 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,430 - It deletes it permanently. - What do you mean? 457 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,990 You must be able to get it back. 458 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,310 Isn't it in the Cloud? 459 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,270 I thought everything was in the Cloud. 460 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,150 Answering machine messages on landlines aren't in the Cloud, 461 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,270 sort of in the same way that Sumerian clay tablets 462 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,390 aren't in the Cloud. 463 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,230 But... it was his last message. 464 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,750 Mum's last link with Dad and I've destroyed it. 465 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,190 Are you guys all right? 466 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,270 I heard shouting just now. 467 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,790 We're absolutely fine. 468 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,790 We... we were shouting with friendship. 469 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,230 Something terrible has happened, Ellen. 470 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,960 Oh, no. What? 471 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,800 I've accidentally deleted Laurie's last voicemail. 472 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,200 - Oh. - I'm so sorry. 473 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,960 No, well... 474 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,310 He did sound ill on it. 475 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,030 I should remember him as he'd like to be remembered. 476 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,510 Young, ambitious, charming, 477 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,790 a business marvel. 478 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,270 You're absolutely right, Ellen. 479 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,720 Call me Mum, like you used to. 480 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,710 - Mum. - Oh... 481 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,910 Is Cass around? 482 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,630 I've got something I need to say, to assert to the family. 483 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,430 - OK. - And, by the way, it was actually me who did the deleting. 484 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,710 Oh, Stephen! 485 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,960 A dead man's final message. 486 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,230 Hi, Andrew. 487 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,710 Probably seems small and parochial and a bit shit around here 488 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,270 after all your amazing travelling. 489 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,390 Not at all. It's exactly as I remember it. 490 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,550 And that's precisely what I need in my life right now. 491 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:37,830 It has changed a bit. 492 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,830 There's a music festival now every summer. 493 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:40,910 It has four stages. 494 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:41,950 Like cancer. 495 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,350 Look, there's something I need to say. 496 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:45,990 Geoff, can you give us five minutes? 497 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,470 Oh, yeah, sure. I needed the loo anyway. 498 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:49,550 I'll take this. 499 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,790 I love how much you've travelled. 500 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,830 I really wish I'd travelled more when I was young. 501 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,510 - You're still young. - I'm not. 502 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:56,910 - You are. - I'm not. 503 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,270 She's 36. 504 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:02,390 - Look... - You will stay with us for a while, Andrew, like Laurie wanted. 505 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,310 Come back to us for a bit. 506 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,350 Would you like me to? 507 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,430 I really, really would. 508 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,110 I mean, we all would, but I really would, quite a lot. 509 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,390 No, no, no. We can't just... 510 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,350 That's very kind. It's like I... 511 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,110 Oh, fuck, yes! You're fucking me. Yeah, fuck, right there! 512 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,630 Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, fuck. 513 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:19,990 Geoff! Turn it off! 514 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,110 It's like our dad said in his last message, isn't it? 515 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,670 No, no, no, no. Not OUR dad. 516 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,670 All there really is is love and family. 517 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,470 You sound just like him. 518 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,070 Oh, my God. You're going to make me come. 519 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,830 You're going to make me come! 520 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,710 Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm coming. Make my pussy come. Oh, yeah! 521 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:39,270 Does have a terrific tone, though. 522 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,990 Oh, fuck me! You're fucking me! 523 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,630 You're fucking me! You're fucking me! 524 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,310 You're fucking me! You're fucking me! 525 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,230 ♪ Son of a bitch 526 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,230 ♪ Give me a drink 527 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,230 ♪ One more night 528 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,760 ♪ This can't be me 529 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,750 ♪ Son of a bitch 530 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,160 ♪ If I can't get clean 531 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:58,880 ♪ I'm gonna drink my life away 532 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,320 ♪ Hey! ♪ 39030

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