Original subtitles

The House of Nations was seething and bubbling.

Poet Nikifor Lyapis-Trubetskoy was an inside man here.

He knew the shortest ways to those oasises where sprinkling wellheads of easy-money could be found.

under the canopy of broad-paged departmental periodicals

- Good morning! - �-�, Nikiphor Lyapis-Trubetskoy, hellow.

I've written splendiferous verses. - This is an exceptionally medical publication.

"The ballad on nicrosis".

It's high time to popularize the idea of hygiene procedure in common way.

Gavrila suffered from necrosis,

necrosis made him take to bed.

"Ballad about cheating". Gavrila was an errant husband,

Gavrila cheated on his wives! How d'you like the beginning?

All in all, fine. But not fine. We are a youth magazine,

and you're talking about some improbable things.

Where did you see a husband cheating on his wife? I personally can't think of a case.

Moreover, they are our husbands, and our wives. It's absolutely nontypical.

I have another version.

Gavrila was a faithful husband. He never cheated on his wives!

That is much better, and much more acute.

"Ballad about headache".

Gavrila's work was bureaucratic, Gavrila was a bureaucrat.

"Ballad about change".

Though he was just a firefighter,

Gavrila started shooting film.

Is it you splashing water about? What a place to take a bath. You must be crazy!

Instead of crying, won't you rather go to the bathhouse?

Just look at yourself. You look like a picador.

- The key! - What key? - Of the ap-ap-apartment. - Where the money is?

- Are you engeneer Shukin? - Yea-a

- So you can't get into the apartment. - No-o-o. - But it's so simple.

You absolutely saved my life! Had you not come, I would have died!

- But I came to see you for a reason, Comrade Shukin. - I'll be extremely pleased to help you.

It's a piddling matter. Your wife asked me to collect this chair.

- For God's sake, please. - Thank you.

- Excuse me, I'm a newspaperman, what happened? - Jot it down: knocked down by a horse.

Monthly edition "Vanilla Allspice"? Nikiphor Trubitskoy.

Comrade Parizanskiy, can I get my fee for verses today? I need the money urgently

Court officer attached my furniture. They may come for it.

Can I see comrade N.A. Lyapis-Trubetskoy?

You have no right to take the furniture away. It's lawlessness!

Chair for me is not luxury, it's my implement of production.

I'm sitting on it, I'm creating on ot. It's lawlessness.

I will repay a debt. In a week. Now place the chair back.

I'm sorry. It's misunderstanding.That sort of duty.

Bureaucrats.Get out of here!

How many times have I told you stealing is sinful. You giant mind, the father of Russian democracy,

a person close to the emperor - and such petty criminal tendencies.

Listen, if you're put behind bars, I won't bring you parcels.

You're neither my mother, nor sister, nor lover.

No idea what for, why it was you and me, For no reason we met unexpectedly.

I've run into ya, I've got restless mood I wonder why barely me understood

How talanted!

- Does Lyapis-Trubetskoy live here? - Lyapis-Trubetskoy. It's me.

How could you do that, comrade? That's not the way to do things, kicking out a bailiff.

- What bailiff? - You know it well who I'm talking.

- I ask you,citizeness, remove yourself from that chair - No, don't move. They have no right.

- You'd better not talk about rights - Take a seat, I won't let them remove the furniture.

Article 215 - rendering resistance during discharge of duties.

What's your surname, madam, you'll be the witness.

How are you related to the accused? -She is my wife.

Giving false testimonies - article 321, section 3, point "j".

Madam, either you'll stand up or he'll get into prison.

The law must be obeyed!

- I'm removing the furniture. - No, you're not. - What do you mean, I'm not, when I am!

Bureaucrats!

Excellent. Each opened chair increases our chances.

Today, I'm going to be engaged in editional affairs A newspaper "the Lathe" is located in the House of Nations.

There wes a mess in the House of Nations, which only can be met on equine fairs

in the moment when the whole company catches a pickpocket.

Where's "the Lathe"?

- What can I do for you? - Here's printed.

"O.Bender got under the horse. An injured got off with a only a scare. "

-So what? - The address. -What address?

Of O. Bender in yellow boots.

Oh, comrade Bender!

Comrade Bender! Suslik! My cockerel!

The chances were increasing but there were no diamonds.

Goodbye, dear!

Hey, Marshal! What did you manage to find out about the Columbus Theatre?

The situation is extremely unfavourable!

-Report on situation. -Today is the close of the season

and tomorrow theater is going on tour.

The chairs crawl away like cockroaches.

Four chairs go away, one stays somewhere here.

Of two hares one chooses the fattest.

Well, let's go on close of the season.

I have invited you gentlemen, in order to tell you a really unpleasant news:

an inspector-general is coming. -What, an inspector-general?

An inspector-general from St. Petesburg. Incognito

Wow!

Fragile canes emitted in the darkness its rustle. Two lovers...

The cane was noisy, trees were bending!

An excellent find! Like, the song is about nothing, but so much sense.

So, I have invited you to tell an unpleasant news -

an inspector-general is coming!

Our chairs are here, an inspector-general has already come out, we may leave.

Down with them, kick them out! Down with Governor!

Shame on Lyapkin-Tyapkin!

What a great find - confused intelligentsia among the commoners.

So profound...

Viva to the labour merchant class! Down with bribes!

An excellent symbol - loss of contact with the commoners and fall.

My dear Katya. I've got the money, for what I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Engineer Bruns wasn't found in Rostov. He was enticed to Baku, where I am going to.

Don't grieve, it's not so long for us to wait.

With God's help, we will soon be living in Samara by our candle works.

-Chairs have already been loaded. -Why are you happy? They don't take passengers.

See the notice? "Everybody to the drawing". The ship is leased by a drawings committee.

They will perform state loan drawings on their way. - And why do they need theater?

Theater will propagandize the idea of state loans in an intelligible for the mass form.

So what shall we do?

-I'm telling you, he is ill. -Why didn't you tell me about it earlier?

-How could I know that the painter will fall ill? -Go in town and bring me another one.

-Where will I go? The ship is about to leave. -Then you'll paint yourself.

Hey, you, goggle-eyed who needs the painter! Yeah, you.

- Can you come along with us right now? - It's really pretty hard, but I'll do my best.

-And what about payment? -Payment is according to approved prices.

But free meals as well and a separate cabin.

- All right, it's a deal. But I have a boy with me. - What boy? - An assistent

-But we have no credit for the boy. -Oh, then excuse me.

If it'll be for your account, then all right, he may live in your cabin. Here's the key.

The key to an apartment where money is? -What?

I'm saying that my boy is really prompt.Get used to spartan conditions.

Why are you standing as a wooed? Let this man pass!

-And this is your boy? -My boy.

If someone tells it's a girl, let them be the first to cast stone at me.

Stand here, if someone appears sing louder.

-What to sing? -Anyway not "God safe the tsar"

Dear comrades, let me consider the meeting to be opened.

Heart of beauties is inclined to unfaithfulness and to changes like wind in May.

We like their caresses though they are false Can't live without...

Let one laugh, let one respect,

but I do cheat myself.

-We'll open it at night. -All right.

Done!

Give it to me!

But where are the diamonds?

You are surprisingly quick-witted, you stool hunter.

No diamonds, as you can see.

Be silent, my sadness, be silent. Don't clap your ears on your cheeks, don't you.

Someday we'll laugh over the chair we found this small plank in.

Hold on, there are three more chairs here. 99 percent chance, out of 100.

By this sketch, on that panel, 3 metres, we need to make a transparency.

By the evening. Will you succeed? - Don't worry.

Will be done in time and on highest ideological and artistic levels.

Can you draw pictures? That's a pity, I can't either.

And those... letters? You still can't? That's really bad. We're artists, you know.

Come on!

They're gonna drive us out now!

- Stop trading. How much? - 36 roubles. Oh, they'll beat us!

When they beat you, you'll cry but now go to dock

hire boat and wait for me in the agreed place.

Comrade Bender, how you gonna play? -Don't worry I'm in good shape today.

The first move is 'e2-e4' and then we'll see.

Comrades and brothers in chess!

The subject of my lecture is the seminal opening idea.

Brothers, what is debut and what is idea?

Debut is quasiunofantasy. Well this is clear.

And what is comrades idea?

Idea is a human thought that is shaped in a logical chess form.

One may master the whole board even with worthless strength.

It depends on every individual.

Some of you play well, the others are bad players.

And no lecture will change this state of things

unless each of you, bros, practises checkers every day and every hour!

Chess! Come along.

Do you know that 'The Four Knights' club can dramatically transform the town of Vasyuquee?

I suggest: we need to organize an international chess tournament in Vasyuquee!

Chess lovers from around the world will come to the tournament.

Hundreds of thousands of rich foreigners will pour into Vasyuquee!

The government will have to quickly build a railroad

and a highway Moscow - Vasyuquee. Skyscraper hotels for the guests,

Chess Palace for the tournament, an ultra-powerful radio station,

'The Great Vasyuquee' airport with regular flights to all the parts of the world,

including Rio De Janeiro and Melbourne. Just imagine all that!

And think of what will happen when the tournament is over and the guests go away.

Muscovites, tired of housing crisis, will throw themselves into your town.

The capital automatically moves to Vasyuqee. Vasyuqee is renamed into New Moscow,

Moscow - into Old Vasyuqee!

The chess idea will become an applied science

and will invent the means of inter-planet communication.

Communication will become as easy, as going from Rybinsk to Yaroslavl.

Vasyquee will host the first ever inter-planet chess tournament!

The first chess tournament between the teams of Vasyquee and the Big Dipper

will end with a triumph of Vasyuqeers! Hooray, comrades!

The Grandmaster has played 'e2-e4'...

On other boards Ostap did the same operation:

moved the King's Pawn from e2 to e4.

At move 3 it appeared the Grandmaster was playing 18 Ruy Lopez beginnings.

In the rest 12 games the Black applied a bit out-of-date but reliable Philidor Defence.

If Ostap got to know he was playing as sophisticated beginnings,

he'd be extremely surprised. The case was that he was playing chess for the second time in his life.

Has given away a Bishop! He's cunning! Left a Rook under strike, setting a trap!

He sacrificed the Queen to me! What to do?

Surrender until it's too late.

Mate... You got the mate, comrade Grandmaster.

Well, mate. Congratulations, young man, you are making progress.

- There just has been a Rook here, and now there's no? - Means it wasn't there.

-So where it is,did you win it? -i did.

-On which move? -On 15th. Why are you pulling my leg?

If you give up - so admit it. - I have written down all moves.

-Bureaucratic nonsense. -It is outrageous. Give me my rook back.

Comrades!Everybody look! An amateur is being beaten.

-Hold the grand master! -Fops!

Hold the grand master, hold him..

-Take off, Kisa! -My travelling bag!

Come on, come on!

Save your pince-nez, Kisa, it's about to start!

-Gentlemen,are you really going to beat us? - oh, yes, you bet!

You, fops! Why aren't you beating you grand master?

If I'm right, you were going to beat me?

Goodbye lovers of strong chess feelings

Viva to "Four Knights" club! Hurrah, comrades!

Good morning, leader!

Oh, it seems to be Cheboksari.

We will sell our trophies here and then we'll have enough money to get to Pyatigorsk.

Well' wait for the theater there.

Hey, look, there's our chair floating.

Hello, buddy, haven't seen for a long time.

You know Vorobiyaninov, this very chair reminds me our life

We are drifting with the tide as well

We are drowned but we sail out successfully, though no one pleases this fact

Nobody likes us, except for the Police Department

which dislikes us the same way.

Oh Pussy, we're alien wanderers at this festival of life.

What?

My darling and beloved Katya. Every hour we approach to our happiness.

Soon we'll have much money. We'll settle for good, in Samara,

by our plant and gonna drink our fruit liqueur.

By its geographical location and population, the city of Baku

by far surpasses Rostov. But is not as big as Kharkov.

They say, kerosene is extracted here from earth.

And engineer Broons has moved to Batumi. Road expenses from here are 15 roubles. Send him 20.

By Telegraph. Forever yours. Husband Fedya.

Ten for all, ah?

Dusya, you're making me angry.

I'm a man who's suffering from the narzan. - How much do you want then?

Make it fifty. After all, it's government property.

I agree. Take 20. Do you agree? I can see it in your eyes, you do.

Agreement is the result of complete non-objection on both sides.

There are no flies on this one. Take a lesson.

- When will you bring the chairs? - Money in advance!

Money in the morning, chairs in the afternoon. Money in the afternoon, chairs in the evening.

Money in the evening, chairs in the night. Money in the night, chairs in the morning...

And is it possible that 'chairs in the morning, money in the afternoon'?

It's possible.But money in advance!

But keep in mind: the theatre will go away tomorrow. On tour.

What are you doing? My jacket.

I've been wearing it for 15 years, and it's still as good as new.

Don't worry. It will be not as good soon!

-Give me your hat! -No I won't give it!

Tell me, leader, can you say in French :

"Gentlemen, I haven't been eating for 6 days!" -Here you are!

It's : Je ne mange pas six jours

What an accent, Pussy! And how much German do you know?

- Why do I need all that? - Because you will go to the park now

you're going to beg for alms in French, German and Russian. The net profit will go to Mechnikov.

Vorobjaninov has never asked for alms!

Then you can stretch out your feet, you silly old fool!

How do you like this Alfons? I've been feeding him, giving him water,teaching him for three months

and now he stands in third position and tells me - never!

One of two: either you enter upon your duties right now

or I will strike you off from among shareholders-concessionaires. I'm counting to five.

- Yes or no? - Yes.

Say you mantra again.

- "Je ne mange pas six jours" - I hardly believe you, really. More pitiful you should act.

More music in your voice. Go from the bottom of your heart.

- Say it in German. - Geben Sie mir bitte...

Well, German is ok. Do it in Russian.

- Please give something for a living. - More seriously. Show me a tear!

Please give something for a living to a former deputy of the state duma.

Brilliant. You a have a built-in talent for begging.

Go now and don't return without the money!

Messieurs, Je ne mange pas six jours

Gentlemen, give something on subsistence to the former State Duma deputy.

The so-called 'Chasm' was considered an attraction to Pyatigorsk.

It was the only place where vacationers could get for free.

Ostap decided to change this vexatious omission.

Buy your tickets here, citizens to visit "the Drop".Ten kopeks to enter.

Buy tickets. Children ticket - 5 copecks, to trade-union members - 10 copeks.

To non-trade-union members - 30 copecks.

-How much are the tickets? -To trade-union members - 10 copeks,

but as members of police may be equaled to children

so the price for you is 5 copecks. -Give us 10 tickets.

-Tell me please, what purpose is the pay taken for? - For general repairs to "the Drop",

So it won't drop too much.

-What is this? -There is no third chair. It was sent with the scenery.

-What to do with the third chair? -Don't panic premature.

May be you are carrying 150 thousand.

Or may be I am. Let me try.

Mine is definitely heavier. -Let me carry it.

- Moosie, where's the goosie? - Don't keep on at me.

- Moosie, you haven't any pity for your little hubby! - Get out, you glutton.

- Kindly forgive me! Where can I find Engineer Bruns? - I'm Engineer Bruns. What can I do for ya, so to say?

- Have you gone crazy? Stand up, please. - I won't.

- On you, Mother, on you, my dear, on you I lay my hopes. - What's the matter?

I dare not sit in the presence of high-ranking persons.

Moosie, talk to this citizen.

In my house, kindly don't go down on anyone's knees.

- Dear lady, Mother! - I'm not your mother. What do you want?

-Why should I sell my chairs? -well, these are my chairs.

How can they be yours? Moosie! Goosie!

- How can they be yours? Do you think I stole them from you, then? - Oh, Lord, nothing of the kind!

This set is the former property of my wife, who was on her deathbed.

Not on my impudence, but only by the will of my wife, to delight her latest minutes

I dared to disturb you. I'm ready to pay as much as you want and not to begrudge.

Even 20 rubles. -20 rubles for this perfect set?

Moosie, He really is a nut. Honestly he is.

I'm not a madman, I only fulfil my wife's will, who sent me here.

Oh, hell! Moosie, he's at it again. He's crawling around again.

- Name your price. - Don't spoil the tree!

Name your price, at last!

I think he is not a madman, he is man who is upset with his wife's illness.

May be we should sell him the chairs? He will leave us alone then. He's gonna hurt his forehead.

-And on what we'll be sitting? -We'll buy new chairs.

-For 20 rubles. -Of course, I'm not gonna sell them for 20 rubles.

And for 200 either but for 250 I'll sell.

No, I'm sick of it! -He is a madman!

First, set aside from the palm on 3 steps, not less.

Secondly, stand up immediately.

Thirdly, I'll sell you the furniture for 250 rubless, not less.

...only fulfiling my sick wife's will. -My wife is sick too, but I don't demand you

to sell me your jacket for 30 copecks. -Take it for free.

Stop it. 250 and not less.

- 50! - Moosie, invite Erophey Pavlovich.

Erophey Pavlovich, may I ask you for a minute?

Escort him.

55!

60 rubles.not for the sake of profit

70!75!

80! 85! 90! 95!

100 rubles!

100! 125!

135!

145!

155!

Hell with you! 200 rubles, but only leave me alone!

Stop, Mussulman!

oh, I'm gonna show you!

Take notice of fascinating views, of exciting scenery. Wonderful air.

5 days of the way left, but ahead of us 150 thousands 00 kopecks

- I'm starving! - Pity Pussy, endure little longer!

Money!Give me money!

Alpine mendicancy! Holy business!

Money! Give me money, I'm telling you!

Give money!

Give money! Give money!

30 copecks. The premiere went off successfully.

Take a look, leader, great men - Kolya nad Mika.

Why don't we perpetuate ourselves? Let's draw one's attention away from Mike and write

"Kisa and Osya were here"

Where did you put treasures of killed by you your mother-in-law? Speak, confess, you sinner!

Ah! Rival firm!

Hold him, he stole our sausage! Hold!

Give back the sausage, you fool!

I'll forgive you all!

Take me off, I'll give back the sausage!

-Mother! -I'm not your mother at all, I'm Tsarina Tamara.

In my kingdom don't stand on one's knees please!

-Not for the sake of profit, but... -only by the will of the wife, having sent you here. I know.

- How did you know? - I just know! Why don't you pop by, neighbour?

Candle works! We'll drink fruit liqueur, play in 66,ah?

I'll drop in this week.

Pretty little angels!

Not for the sake of profit, but only by tzarica Tamara's will, having sent me here.

People! Repent your sins publicly!

-Why are you papering theater "Kolumb"? -Tour is prematurely over.

Meeting the wishes of working people the tour has been terminated.

Where has that bloody theater gone, don't you know?

I do, it left for Yalta.

-For Yalta? -You won't make it to Yalta, Kisa.

Damn it, it's the good fortune!

-The point is we are being followed for already 2 months. -Oh, my God!

Tomorrow on a secret address an ambush will be waiting for us.

We are happy to meet a staunch fighter in this alarming situation.

I hope with your help to rescue the father of Russian democracy. I'll give you the Parabellum.

I'm ready for a rescue of the father of Russian democracy to give financial help.

You are the devoted son of you Fatherland.

-500 roubles can rescue the master-mind. -And won't 200 roubles rescue the master-mind?

I presume, the haggling is inappropriate here.

Please, forgive me!

God! We are being followed again. Sing, smile.

And now pay to the waiter and leave unnoticed.

The Union of the Sword and the Ploughshare. We will not surrender to them alive!

Leave now and never come back here.

Everything is all right!

Kisa! Just in case, we are provincials, could not find an exit. Follow me, marshal.

Here is our future, present and past.

Comrade Bender! What is it? What is it going on?

Rush outside, quick!

-Let's open it! -To hell with you!

Perish in here with your chair, but my life is precious to me as a remembrance

It was the first stroke of the greater 1927 Crimean earthquake.

It was the earthquake that stood in the way of the great schemer.

Give me the chair. Seems, you are bored to hold it.

-I won't give it! -What? Is that a mutiny aboard? Give me the chair now!.

-It's my chair! -Wha-at?

Ippolit Matveevich, dear!

Have you found it?

The whole point is that I have! Kisa, God damn you!

A brilliant combination that was perfectly completed. An ancient adventure.

Do you know new club of railwaymen? Our chair is there.

First floor, third window from the angle.

This night through that window we will get in club quietly.

As for now, sweety, we may have a rest. You may consider money to be in your pocket.

By the way, leader, why do you need money?

What do you mean "why"? What a nonsense.

I mean, what will you buy, Kisulya? You have no fantasy at all.

No, I won't give you money. It' s a passing fad.

I will hire you as a secretary. 40 rubles per month, uniform, tips, ah, what do you think?

Well, I was joking. You will have money, will eat cream-margo,

will wear puttee of cambric.

The meeting is in progress.

Comrade Bender died.

Is this the very room?

And here is the very surprise.

Here is the chair I was telling you about.

I was working in this old club as a guard and logistics manager suddenly bought this chair.

I once stood on it to nail a poster and the upholstery burst.

It turned out, bourgeoises hid in this chair jewellery.

-It can't be! -It can, it can.

On that jewellery this new club was built.

I was given an award - 50 roubles. Here, I made suit.

It can't be, it can't be!

Consider the meeting to be closed, Thank you for you attention!

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