Original subtitles

Have a lovely weekend, darling.

This isn't about a lovely weekend, but winning the money.

See you later.

Hello. Are you looking for Chorster College?

I do hope so.

Yes. Excellent.

It's the best news I've heard all year.

Well, this way.

Ethan?

Yes.

Don't you remember me?

Alas, Anna, like the world is full of people I don't remember.

Generally, a very good thing.

Shall we?

Have a good weekend.

Everything all right for tomorrow?

Nervous? Why should I be nervous?

Call you back.

What have you got there?

This is my Gibson L5. We're off to a festival of world music.

World music?

What, all of it?

You need a big room.

It's in the open area. You do nice things.

I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Room okay?

Is the room?

Do you really need that?

Better than a teddy bear, trust me.

Ethan. Yes. How are you doing?

Room okay? No complaints?

No, none whatsoever. Actually, this is my old college, so it's just like old

times. Women are a little bit older, but there's no substitute for experience.

Oh, well.

We're all here to have a good time. It's a bank holiday weekend.

It isn't about avarice and greed.

Enjoy.

I assume we get a choice of all seven of the deadly things.

Up to you, Ethan.

Mr.

Richards. Donald. What can I do for you? The old friend would like some

reassurance that you won't be asking us endless questions about pop music.

We are very good on Aristotle, but reciting the hit songs of Elvis Presley

reverse order is frankly beyond our compass.

In the quizaholics' world, there are many matches.

I fear there might be.

Dinner is served.

So, if you'll pardon the expression, walk this way.

Cousin's wedding in Norfolk. Is that good?

Ask me Monday.

First off... I'm sorry.

Why off?

Why not simply first?

Forgive me. Not used to running quiz weekends in Oxford. I'll try to be more

careful. Don't worry, I'll mark it. First, welcome to the Quizaholic

By Sunday evening, one of the six teams sitting around this table will be £5

,000 richer.

But we're not here for the money, we're here to have fun, okay?

Okay. So, let's start by having the teams tell us who they are.

I'm Eve Rigby, and I'm Robin Strong, and our team is called the Red Hot Mamas.

As in Sophie Tucker, the original Red Hot Mama.

According to my grandma, yes.

We met at an antenatal class and started the quiz team to stop our brains

turning to porridge.

Also to prove you don't have to be a bloke to be a boring old anorak.

Well, we know who you are. You're Ethan Croft.

And once upon a time, you and I were at school together.

So you tell me. All I can say is that it was a very big school with many

beautiful people.

Meanwhile... Back at the agenda.

Yeah, sorry. So, like the lady says, I'm Ethan Croft.

I'm a former student of this college and now a primary school teacher. So,

clearly sent on this earth to educate the young.

Educate the young.

Fascinating concept.

It'll never catch on.

Our team is called NUTS. And are you?

We're both active members of the National Union of Teachers, hence NUTS.

I'm Ava Taylor, branch secretary.

Ethan's our officially designated troublemaker. We plan the revolution on

first Friday of every month, but nobody ever shows up.

That's excellent.

Well, we encourage troublemakers.

Alfie, tell us about yourself.

I'm Alfie Wilkinson and this is Sophie Barton. Hi.

We're students.

We're broke, we're called toxic debt, and you may be here to have fun, but we

need to win the money. We're two little lambs who need some quantitative easing.

Well, we wish you luck.

Yeah, but not too much.

Next.

My name is Professor Donald Terry, and my colleague is Professor Milner. Good

evening. And our team is called Grey Guardians, seeking to uphold the

of truth, beauty and wisdom in an age that has placed its faith, mistakenly,

mere information.

Well, we'll go easy on Elvis Presley, heavy metal and rap.

Diane, we've lost you. Diane Baxter, Lieutenant.

Brian Key, Colour Sergeant.

He was my instructor at Sandhurst. We're called the Old Contemptibles.

And we're here to prove that soldiers aren't thick.

Well, I think we can take your word for that. Good idea.

Which only leaves... Sebastian Anderson.

And this is my colleague, Jessica Neal. Hello.

And our team is called the Class of 89.

As in Oxford?

Yes, indeed. But now living and working in the real world.

Lawyers for our sins.

Well, other people's sins. But seeking redemption.

Oh, don't waste your time.

It's overrated.

We are the rump, and I use the word advisedly, of a college team trounced on

network television by some hairy louts from Keele.

Redemption would seem highly necessary.

What happened to the other two members of your university challenge team?

One of them's a Euro MP and the other one's in prison.

Purely the luck of the draw. Could have gone either way.

But we're both very nice people.

Irresistibly so.

Well, now that we've all got to know each other, I thought we'd start as we

to go on.

With a quiz.

Now,

this is just for our amusement.

The real work starts tomorrow.

These aren't bothered, as it were.

First one to get three right will be declared the winner. It's all in fun,

the referee's decision is final. I call this section Only Connect.

So, question number one.

What connects the years 1939...

And 2008.

Easy peasy. Portsmouth. One thing after the other. Correct.

Oh, God. I might have guessed it'd be football.

It always is football.

Next. What connects Al Jolson with an operatic aria by

Puccini?

Avalon.

Well, can you tell us more? Yes, Jolson stole the tune and Puccini successfully

sued him for plagiarism.

That's correct.

No marks, but anyone know the aria?

From Tosca.

There was a chap called Rose. He changed it from a minor key to a major key and

added a few notes, but it still cost him $25 ,000.

Sort of thing I would have thought lawyers would have known.

That was brilliant.

You should see me when I really try.

That man will have to go.

It's me again.

No, nothing's happened.

Just, you know, double -checking.

We are down to our final two

contestants.

Donald.

And Ethan.

So this is your sudden death question.

What connects waste products with the wasteland?

Ethan. T .S. Eliot.

Can you be more specific?

Yes, T .S. Eliot wrote The Wasteland, and his name, as Benny Crossword Buff

tell you, is an anagram of toilets, where in an ideal society, all waste

products go.

That's correct.

I hereby declare Ethan is the winner.

Well, for now, the bar will remain open. We will reconvene here at ten o 'clock

in the morning. In the meantime, the night is still very young, and the rest

it is yours to do with as you think fit and according to your predilection. Is

it all right if we go to the pub?

Do as you like.

It's a fun weekend.

But remember, the gates will be locked at nine o 'clock outside of term time.

Not the tourists stealing the heritage.

So when you come back, you will have to ring the bell.

The bell has the word press written on it.

A very grumpy man called Lester will eventually let you in.

That sounds like the voice of experience. Oh, yes, I know all the

entrances, all the ghosts lurking in the shadows.

We're students here, we know all that stuff.

Ring the bell and ask for Lester.

Listen, can I buy you both a drink? Never bought a drink for a red -hot mama

before, and I have plenty of secrets to share.

After those questions, I'm a bit lukewarm, but you never know your luck.

don't even remember your own secret secret.

Well, perhaps I just need a little more persuasion.

Did you say something?

All the words smooth and operator come to mind.

Are we allowing names of obscure and generally discredited political

philosophers? You want to put Gramsci, put Gramsci.

The only other question for you, Mr. Richards.

Oh, the name's Marcus.

All right, Marcus.

Still the same question. Where does the money come from?

Sorry, which money?

The 5 ,000 pounds that one of these teams are going to win.

Oh, from a sponsor within the industry.

See, what you have to understand is that quid is all the new rock and roll.

People can become millionaires just from answering silly questions.

That's the silly question. Exactly.

The world we live in.

I'm telling you, I know all the secrets of this place.

There are people here who should be in prison.

In Oxford?

In this very building.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, but that's probably true of anywhere in the world. Yes, but in

can multiply that by a factor of ten.

Believe me, I know.

Good news, it still fits.

Bad news, you look like a bloody wine waiter.

But here's the big question. The sudden death question. Who wants to come with

me on the conducted tour?

Chaucer College by night.

The secret places, the ghosts, the buried bodies.

Ah.

Excellent.

Eve? Oh, come on. You are breaking my heart.

I think you're the sort of man my mother warned me about. And you ignored her.

Don't worry.

I am the juiciest man.

That's quite enough intellectual ferment for one night.

Rather more than I'm used to, as a matter of fact.

What do we think of our fellow travellers?

I suppose they're a cross -section.

Of what?

God knows.

Come on, then.

We didn't wake you, did we? Not entirely, no.

It was very nice of you. I didn't mean to tell Grumpy.

Who says I'd be Grumpy?

They're called Croft.

Ethan Croft.

Yeah, Ethan Croft. He's 15 now.

Oh, yeah. I remember him.

A lot of people remember him.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with ZPU.

Ha, two pissed undergraduates.

Correct. Your turn.

Oh, look.

All the lights are out.

All the old folk have gone to bed.

We're playing a game. Remember?

Sorry.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with

U -S -T.

Too easy. Unresolved sexual tension. Brilliant.

Your turn.

I spy with my...

A little I.

Something beginning with... B -F -I

-W. B -F -I -W?

Yes. Could you spell that for me, please?

Body floating in water.

Thank you very much!

We know who he is?

Ethan Croft.

Teacher, apparently.

What's he doing here?

Taking part in a quiz weekend.

See, so Mr.

Croft is our start of a ten.

Where's our favorite sergeant?

On his way back from a world music festival in Somerset.

Swearing all the way, I should think.

I know the feeling.

Me too.

So what are you about?

I'll best lay a plant.

Right,

better get to work.

Can you handle that?

I've been doing it for years, but never have grown ups.

I'll enjoy that.

Sorry about your weekend.

Yeah, sorry about yours.

What's all this about?

It's about a quiz weekend.

Six teams of two competing for a £5 ,000 cash prize.

Organised by my uncle Marcus Richards.

These are teams?

Yeah, we've got Oxford Dons, city lawyers, primary school teachers,

squaddies and young mums.

Deceased? My uncle Ethan Croft, primary school teacher, found the ornamental

pool. The body was discovered by the students coming out from the pub just

midnight. Where are all these people now?

Most of them sound asleep.

We can confront them over their hearty breakfast.

Or we could take Shakespeare's advice and start by killing the lawyers.

Listen, I know this has screwed up your weekend.

No, no, no, this hasn't screwed up my weekend.

My guitar got nicked.

Where was it?

Boot of the car.

Broke the golden rule.

Which is?

Never let your instrument out of your sight.

I didn't know that.

What about piano players?

Well, with piano players, the instrument's usually provided.

Of course. Sorry.

Is it valuable?

Yeah, to me it is.

Fits the shape of my hands.

Right, names and addresses of all the teams.

We have until breakfast to see if we've got anything on record.

Okay.

What do you think about quizzes?

Terminally pointless.

Right up there with slugs and black pudding.

As you know, Ethan Croft was murdered last night.

And that being so, Sergeant Hathaway and I would like to speak to each of you

individually over the course of the morning.

That is, unless anyone wishes to confess.

Worth a try.

I should also make it clear that the college gates will be shut until further

notice. No one leaves without our permission. Forgive me if I sound like a

lawyer, but are you allowed to do that?

By the time our lawyers had discussed it with your lawyers, the case would

probably be closed anyway.

Don't worry, we can all huddle together for warmth.

Now, maybe we can start with Mr Croft's team partner, Mrs Taylor. Is that

correct?

That's me.

Ethan was a brilliant man, academically.

He was deeply committed politically.

And a charmer.

Though I have to say it didn't work on me.

Sounds like you're working up to a butt.

He drank and he was a womaniser.

Is that why he was teaching in a primary school?

That's a fair comment.

Somewhere a brilliant career had run onto the rocks.

But I never worked out why.

Last night after dinner, everyone went to the bar, is that right?

Apart from the students. How was it? Quiet, noisy, people talking to one

another?

Honest answer, it was a little boring.

I don't know, I thought that in a way this weekend would be like revisiting

Oxford of my student days.

And it wasn't.

We grow older, Sergeant.

Ethan Croft was the student here, did you know him then?

Not that I'm aware of.

I mean, we might have been in the same room on occasion, the Union or whatever

pubs we used to go to back then, but I don't remember him.

Mind you, the world is full of people I've never met.

I have enough trouble with the people I have met.

Still, this weekend is not entirely without interest, is it? A real -life

country house murder.

Miss Scarlet with the lead piping.

High on our list of suspects.

We're regular army.

We don't meet many civilians and I never met any of these till yesterday.

Did you notice anything about Croft?

He was doing some serious chatting up of one of the women.

And as my father used to say, he had drink taken.

Am I allowed to make an observation?

All police work starts with observation. Our cheerful host, Mr Richards.

He's a bit smooth for my taste.

I'm not crazy about smooth myself.

And I have an observation of my own. Yes?

Did you bruise your hand?

Yes, last week, on manoeuvres.

It's a brief encounter with the side of an armoured car.

He invited us to go on a conducted tour of the college and all its dark secrets.

And did you go?

Yes, but not all the way, you know what I mean.

Did you like him?

He had a lot to say, mostly about himself.

That wasn't the question.

Charming, I suppose.

Very clever.

I'm still a man, whichever way you look at it.

I've never really been all that good with men.

You can only apologize on behalf of my gender.

I'll apologize to your friend if she can spare a minute.

Miss Strong, word, please.

I'm told you wanted a word.

Yeah.

We've been looking at your website.

Oh, yes.

It's good, isn't it? My son designed that.

It says here you're a former winner of two major television quiz programmes,

it doesn't say which ones.

One was in Canada and the other was in South Africa.

Did you win a lot of money?

Not enough to retire on.

That's why I'm running these quiz weekends.

It also refers to your background in broadcasting, but, again, it's a bit

on the detail.

Are we still talking Canada and South Africa?

Yes.

Everyone dresses up their CV a bit.

I'm sure it goes on in the police force.

We have the facilities to check and double -check.

And we do.

I'm just an honest hustler trying to make a living in a tough world.

Where does the £5 ,000 come from?

It's self -financing.

People pay £500 for the weekend.

If I read the books properly, I come out slightly ahead of the game.

£500? Yeah, I'll make a full board in an Oxford college for the weekend and a

chance to make exciting new friends.

I'd hope to attract a few more people, actually, but the bank holiday hasn't

done it any favours.

I'll be lucky to break even. Exciting new friends, is that why it says singles

welcome on the website?

Yes.

Are all of the people here single?

I've no idea.

I mean, I suppose we mean single at heart. You know, we're all consenting

adults. Were you aware of any of the consenting adults pairing off last

Oh, I make it my policy to look the other way.

Though I have to say, I think Ethan Croft was on the prowl in a big way.

Didn't do him much good.

We need to know more about people's movements last night.

So try very hard to remember.

Looking the other way isn't much help.

Okay, I'll try.

I need to ask you something, actually.

What?

Will it be all right to carry on with the quiz weekend?

If it's what the people want.

From my professional point of view, I just want people to stay within reach.

Thank you.

You're a gentleman.

He was my first boyfriend.

I was 14.

He was 16.

And then when I saw his name on the website for this weekend, I thought

it's never too late.

But I was wrong.

He just didn't remember me, and even if he did, he obviously preferred Eve.

This conducted tour of the college. How did it end?

As you'd expect, an invitation to his room for a nightcap.

And did you go?

No, definitely not.

Eve might have done.

Why would she go and you not?

The message was, well, the message that I got was that he was up for a

threesome.

I don't play those kind of games.

Not even with someone I once loved.

Thanks for talking to me.

What did you tell him? Enough.

No more.

All of it true.

Mr. Terry?

Professor Terry?

Forgive me. Did you know Ethan Croft prior to this weekend?

Absolutely not.

Our information is that he was a student here during the late 80s and briefly a

junior lecturer.

This is Oxford. I'm a research fellow specializing in modern history.

Students are not one of my primary concerns.

Is that the box office?

Yeah, I've booked two tickets for tonight's performance, but work's

I'm not going to be able to make it.

Yeah, no, it's not about the money, so, I don't know, give them away to the poor

of the parish.

But you, for me.

The name's Lewis.

Tonight, the Fairy Queen.

The Fairy Queen?

It's an opera.

Was that your bank on the weekend?

It was.

No, no, it's very Queen's Island.

Yuck. Two tickets.

Yeah, I was going with a friend. I do have friends.

Modern architecture.

What are they up to?

Nothing, they're students. Who designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York? Frank

Lloyd Wright.

Or Pan B?

Come on, back to work.

Should we be doing this? Of course we should. We're not going to win if we

practice.

This used to be one of the finest college libraries in Oxford. Because it

all your books.

Well.

Purely as a matter of interest, have you read them all?

Or what?

Your books.

Oh, good God, no. They're unreadable. Which is no doubt the point.

Naturally.

How many have you written?

My next book will be my first.

But finest, no doubt.

Lawyers are men of action.

Any joy?

Nope.

Everybody's behaving true to form.

Nobody saw anything that matters a damn.

Our victim was a drinker, a womanizer and a show -off.

That Richard is a shifty sod.

And we're no further forward.

So I've been thinking about your guitar.

That's nice, thanks.

Yeah, if I'd make something specialised like a guitar, I wouldn't be trying to

flog it down the pub.

I'd put it on the net.

Is that what I mean?

Sure that's what you mean?

Come on, let's have a proper look at Croft's room.

Have you

noticed his bedside reading?

It's a cherry orchard.

Is it?

In Russian.

These orchards all look alike in Russian.

They're the first in modern languages.

Yeah, so why was he teaching in a primary school?

It's a big jump from an Oxford first to plasticine with five -year -olds.

I was hoping to have a word.

Of course, Charles Milner, professor of engineering.

Very good.

Let's have a word, then.

probably aware by now that Croft was a brilliant student.

We are. And very briefly a junior lecturer in modern languages. Indeed.

Is that what you wanted to tell us?

No.

Professor Terry and I were talking and we vaguely remember

that Croft left Oxford under something of a cloud.

You vaguely remember?

Common room gossip.

He left under a cloud. Is there any possibility you could describe this

for us?

It was a sexual harassment case involving a first year student.

Which presumably is all on record.

I doubt that any of it's on record.

Remember where we are. Vague memories have very little value in police work.

Who would be likely to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the

truth?

I believe there's a wife.

Wives are pretty good at that sort of thing in my experience.

Thank you, Professor.

be only a vague memory but to me he just stuck a knife right between ethan cross

ribs why would he do that why indeed

well the precise cause of death was drowning but he was unconscious at the

there's some bruising to the back of the neck almost like a rabbit punch caused

by probably a fist assuming somebody who knew what he was doing or she possibly

there was also a cut and some bruising to the side of the face As if he'd been

in a fight, but nothing on the hand suggesting he didn't fight back.

The violence was strictly one -sided. A couple of our soldiers have somewhat

enigmatic CVs. There's a whiff of SAS.

Heaven preserve us from the Ministry of Defence.

And he'd also had sex earlier in the evening.

Well, now.

Eve Rigby said that she went on a guided tour of the college with him, but, and

I quote, she didn't go all the way. Well, someone did.

As she's lying, of course.

Ties in with a story about Croft being drummed out of Oxford for sexual

harassment. No chance of finding out the truth about that.

You know, I'm well with his wife.

You haven't done that yet?

She was visiting her mother in Brighton. She's on her way back now.

And we have a jealous ex -girlfriend.

Namely? Robin Strong. She seems to have planned the weekend as a grand reunion

with her first love. They never learn.

So are we talking about a crime of passion here? No, not my department,

But it is relevant that he'd been drinking heavily, probably for some

just about the second to last thing he did was have sex.

So where are they now, these...

Grey guardians and red -hot mummers. They're having a quiz.

And who's Gibson? There's nobody on any of the teams called Gibson.

Uh, unrated inquiry.

How was your wedding?

Um, oh, modern church service, all a bit happy -clappy. I still prefer the

version where the vicar says, let no man put asunder.

I sat through the speeches and Uncle Vivian singing Bless This House and then

had to leave before the meal. My husband's not speaking to me because

in the middle of nowhere with all my mad relations.

So it's been an all -round triumph.

Any luck with the tickets?

Well, I phoned the box office.

They reckon they might be able to get rid of them.

I hope so. It's a lot of money.

You lose some, you lose some.

Still, we'll try again another time.

You're happy about that?

Yeah. I'm happy about that.

Good.

Your date for the weekend, Dr. Hobson?

We were going to Glyndebourne to see the fairy queen.

All right.

Now you know all there is to know.

Were you overnighting?

Mind your own business.

Only because I care.

These questions all relate to the nicknames of famous people.

So, on the buzzer, who was...

The Welsh wizard.

David Lloyd George.

You're far too young to know that.

He knew my father.

Next. Another wizard.

Yes? No idea.

I'm just sick of sitting here not pressing the buzzer.

You knew the quiz, after all. Did you not read the small print?

Are we likely to have an answer at any point?

Just think of a wizard.

Any wizard will do.

Merlin?

Sorry, not Merlin. Handing it over to the other team.

Might that be Stanley Matthews? The footballer?

Known as the Wizard of the Dribble. Brilliant piece of lateral thinking.

It's well played, Toxic Debt. Bad luck, Class of 89.

That was brilliant.

I know.

Blame it on my youth. Well, we'll take a break, guys. Back at four.

for a needle -mack between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Munners.

You almost shouted at me.

Sorry, I mistook you for my wife.

How can those children possibly know the answers to those questions?

Yes, I love Ethan.

Thank you.

Do you feel able to talk about your husband?

It's good to help, isn't it?

I'm sure everybody's told you that Ethan was a damn fool.

He was.

A brilliant damn fool.

Whichever way you look at it, he didn't deserve to be murdered.

We're told he left Oxford under a cloud after having an affair with one of his

students. You told you that? One of the Oxford mafia?

It's confidential.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's true.

About the affair.

But if every academic who had an affair with this student left Oxford, they'd

run out of teaching staff.

They'd be asking for volunteers at the job centre.

Before I met him, anyway.

When did you meet him?

All rise primary school stuff.

So you didn't know him during his Oxford days? No.

Strictly a red brick girl.

I do know he was always very bitter about what happened.

I don't know the details, but... He has it, I guess.

He was brilliant at languages, as I'm sure you probably know. He was Russian.

Polish, even some of those funny little Baltic countries.

He did a lot of interpreting and translating work. A couple of times he

interpreter for some Russian footballers taking their driving tests.

I'm sure I can divine a motive for murder there.

It was a period in the early 90s when he was doing an awful lot of really high

-profile work, and then suddenly it was all just hack stuff.

League lead for some immigrant fruit pickering.

caught on a driving charge.

But he never really spoke about his work.

Not in detail.

You know, Ethan was all the things you already know about him. He was immoral.

He was a drinker.

Self -centered.

But in professional matters, he was an honorable man.

He believed in things like public service. That's why he worked for the

Hated all that stuff about the free market, knows best. Well, he was right

along about that, wasn't he?

There's something else that you should know.

You might find it hard. Oh?

You think it's been easy so far?

I realise that, but... Sergeant.

I think it's fair to say that nothing can hurt me now, so please say whatever

is.

According to the medical evidence, he had sex last night before he died.

See?

I'm sorry.

You and me both.

I still loved him and admired him.

He's had one big problem.

Constitutional inability to keep it in his trousers.

That's why there were times when... Vermont.

There were times when I would happily kill the guy myself.

That was a killer guy.

I'm not suggesting she put out a contract on him. All you need is a

kiddo.

I'm told you'd like a word.

Thank you. Come in. Sit down, left hand.

I answer to Diane.

Sorry, Diane.

This is a really silly question.

That's what this weekend's about, isn't it? Silly questions.

We've had a whisper that Croft's killing might have been carried out on behalf

of a jealous former lover, partner, wife. Well, you take your pick.

A professional hit.

We said it was silly.

And we're not accusing the British Army.

But your professional observations would be appreciated.

Just a couple of squaddies.

Taking a weekend off to prove to the world that even though we're soldiers,

we're not mindless zombies.

Any day now, we're off to keep the peace under the flag of the United Nations.

It's some pimple on the arsehole of the universe. We're here to have fun.

So far, fun's been a bit thin on the ground.

And we have to check every possibility.

Well, now you've ticked that box, so you can file it under garbage and move on.

Are we through?

Unless you had sex with Ethan Croft last night. What?

It's a simple enough question.

I imagine you'd remember if you had. I would remember.

I definitely did not.

Thank you.

She'll be very good at keeping the peace.

Same as her friend, the silent sergeant.

Carrying out orders without question.

License to kill.

What soldiers do.

What, telling lies?

Everyone tells lies.

Especially about sex.

You tell them.

What is there to tell?

It's my decision, Sergeant.

My decision.

I thought your team were brilliant, Elia.

Well, we practice hard and we need the money.

Are any of you aware of Ethan Croft's work as a translator and interpreter

during his time at Oxford?

Can't say that I have, nor me.

Yes. Can you elaborate?

I vaguely remember a guy in college raving about him.

how he'd done some highly original translations of Chekhov and Gorky,

they were both very funny writers.

Hence his first, presumably.

Yes, the lower depths. A laugh on every line. Mind you, I always did take more

interest in my fellow students than you did.

I was cursed with ambition as no cure.

And later we've had a hint that he might have done some very high -profile,

highly sensitive work. Which, by definition, would be highly

Quite so. And why would he tell any of us about it?

I'm only a lawyer. What do lawyers know?

Sorry to keep you waiting, guys. Just getting the questions in order.

If you'd like to take your places, this is the next match in our Quizaholics

weekend between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Mummers.

The rest of you would like to sit down and play the part of the appreciative

audience.

Sorry,

everyone.

Old nature.

We do seem to be missing someone.

Where is Eve?

She said she was going to her room to swat up on top 20 hits since 1955.

Which probably guarantees she's fallen asleep.

Would anyone like to wake her up?

Would you like me to go? Because she's next door to me.

Thank you. You're an angel.

Just as I was getting excited.

You're keeping everybody waiting.

Eve?

Eve?

Oh!

Nothing complicated.

Been strangled from behind.

With?

Fair hands.

As for the timing... Yeah, I know about the timing.

She came up to her room at two and was discovered at four.

She was doing her homework.

We need to know exactly where everybody was between two and four. No more

fudging. Shall I round them out? Yeah, with a whip.

I'm getting sick of these people.

Were you close to Eve?

Um... Yes, I suppose I was.

Babies do that to women.

Until this weekend.

What happened this weekend?

Ethan Croft.

He didn't really remember me.

He pretended to, but... And then he just... Made a beeline for Eve, so I

to hell with him.

So you went to her room, his room?

His room.

Wouldn't care, but she has a husband.

He's not much of one, but at least he's there some of the time.

I don't have anyone.

You have a child.

I have a snotty two -year -old and a mad grandma.

I think they might have had a row.

I think I heard them arguing in the corridor outside my room.

And then it just went quiet.

I should have done something.

She might still be alive.

Are you jealous?

Jealous? Why would I be jealous? You come here to rekindle your first love

he goes off with your best friend. I might have been a bit amazed.

What, you mean jealous enough to commit murder?

I wasn't accusing you.

God, I hate this place.

I want to go home.

You're a snotty two -year -old and you're a mad grandma.

Well, anything's better than this.

Did you hear anything resembling a row on your landing?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I was somewhat preoccupied with my own

Personal or professional?

Private, maybe.

Try me.

Have you ever planned an idyllic... Romantic, get away from it all weekend,

to have it turn into a handful of dust.

Now that really is private.

I'm going to ask you all to do something very simple.

You all have a piece of paper, and I want you to write down in precise and

accurate detail what you were doing between two and four this afternoon,

who you were with. And if we were alone?

Then that's what you write down.

And I should remind you, if what you write down turns out to be untrue, then

you'd be guilty of wasting police time, of obstruction, and of all manner of new

offences which the government's probably planning to introduce at any moment as

part of their ongoing fight against global terrorism.

Fifteen minutes?

How's it going?

What? They're not smoking.

It's a nightmare.

I'd rather talk about my suspect.

Robin Strong?

It's worth examining as an idea.

You're swaying me?

She has a fantasy of a perfect man based on the perfect boy she knew from school

and what happens.

He doesn't remember and he runs off with her so -called best friend.

He'd have to be slightly deranged.

Well, one could argue that all murderers are slightly deranged, especially in a

crime of passion.

I don't buy it.

Better ideas?

I'm keeping an open mind.

Sounds like a no.

You're good together, you know.

Who? You and the dot.

We were going to the opera together, that's all.

We weren't planning to elope.

I wouldn't even know the way to Gretna Green.

The city were overnighting.

Where were you going to stay?

I booked the tickets. She booked the hotel.

One room or two.

Do us a favour, will you? Mind your own business.

Go and find your guitar or something.

You should be ready to hand in the homework by now.

So how are you planning to structure the rest of the weekend?

Well, a lot of people want to go home.

I assume you'd rather they didn't. You assume right.

So I thought a quiet supper.

I'll buy a quiz, just for amusement.

Could be very low -key.

What about the £5 ,000?

Well, the students are keen to carry on.

They're already through to the final.

Apart from that, I've had a number of withdrawals.

But the Grey Guardians... Oxford Don.

They're happy to continue. So I thought, grand final for the money between those

two teams tomorrow afternoon.

And then people can go.

If you finish with them by then.

I sincerely hope I'll be finished with them by then.

With one obvious exception.

All done?

All done.

I expected one or two of them to be in Latin, but we're fine.

Robin Strong was in her room brushing up on the quiz questions.

Lawyers and the Dons were in the college library.

Ava Taylor was a student.

and the soldiers were drinking coffee in the cafeteria where they were later

joined by the lawyers and the dons. Richard?

In the dining hall getting ready for the quiz.

Right, so now all we have to do is find out which of them is telling lies.

For amusement only, what connects an island in Scotland with the Olympic

Hoy. The connection?

The Island of Poison, the Orkneys, and Chris Hoy won three gold medals in

sighting.

Next. What links Isambard, Kingdom Brunel, with a former Lancashire wicket

-keeper?

Too easy.

Speak for yourself.

Brunel was an engineer, Farouk, engineer, kept wicket for Lancashire.

answer, therefore, is engineer.

Takes one to know one.

Oh, for God's sake, who gives a damn about any of this?

I suspect the honest answer is nobody.

In fairness, Mr. Richards is doing a praiseworthy job in trying to keep up

spirits in an impossible situation.

He'd have done well at Dunkirk. Yeah, well, I've had enough of these silly

questions.

There's only one question that matters around here, and no one knows the answer

to that one.

Somebody knows the answer to that one.

He thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Is it all right if I... No, no, feel free.

I'm past caring.

The thing is, you've lost your partner.

I haven't really got one.

Poor old you.

No, I mean, I can do the sales pitch and the flashy talk, but really, I'm...

Like you, I'm just lost in a strange land.

I just wondered whether it would help you if we were lost together.

No ulterior motive.

I'm just suggesting that we become kind of temporary friends until

we can get the hell out of this place.

A temporary friend.

Are you single?

I live on my own with some tropical fish.

And all of Bob Dylan's albums, which is probably extremely sad.

I give you my word, I'm not a murderer.

I do know I'm not.

Sorry?

Oh, it's all very well us being special friends, but one of us is a murderer,

whichever way you look at it.

Well, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be the first.

That's ridiculous, isn't it?

I suppose so.

Who knows?

So this is where Ethan did all his work.

All right, if we haven't browsed.

Of course. Help yourself.

I'll lead you to it.

So, Mr Ethan Croft, where did you hide the secrets that could put people in

prison? What sort of secrets were they?

Old -fashioned blackmail stuff?

That's up.

That's your department.

I'll do the paperwork.

This could take days.

Which we do not have.

Problem? Well, I don't speak Russian, do you?

I'm only just in control of English. It's an impressive form of security.

A lot of these are in Russian, too.

Oh, this is better.

English? Yeah.

There seems to be a system in amongst all the masses.

Files marked personal, business, school, trades union, and highly personal. Oh,

promising.

Unfortunately, none marked top secret.

You know what? We're going to have to...

Take all this stuff away and just resign ourselves to getting very little sleep

tonight. Well, sleep's overrated, especially on a Saturday.

Do you have to be so young?

Thanks, Mr Scott.

Are you aware of the hour...

What makes you think the murders are connected with his work as a translator?

One of three possibilities.

The others be?

I fancy a crime of passion. There's enough sexual energy in that room to

the national grid.

Or it could be related to the quiz we gave him himself.

Our genial host, Marcus Richard, seems to me like a fully paid -up con -op.

So it's one chance in three that it's all to do with the Russians?

I think so.

We'll find you a translator.

Do you think?

What?

Initial medical report on Eve Rigby. She hadn't had sex recently.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Secret? Well... According to our medical records, Ethan Croft had sex with

somebody before he died.

Sounds like a nice way to go.

But again, according to our medical records...

Eve Rigby hadn't had sex with anyone, so it leaves us with the question, who did

he have sex with?

Well, how should I know?

Well, I could ask the obvious question.

Maybe I should ask the obvious question. Me?

Well, I find that whole idea hysterically funny. That's how far we've

Any joy, enlightenment, jokes?

Is this Ethan Croft's work?

Yeah, how did you know?

We studied together.

There are translations here.

I've got his fingerprints all over them.

He was brilliant.

But people have probably told you that?

They have.

But this stuff is either literary, translations of Chekhov and Tolstoy, all

standard authors.

And some technical material that's honestly beyond me.

It's a terrible waste of talent, you know.

How do you mean?

Well, doing radical versions of great authors, that's one thing.

Acting as an interpreter for footballers and businessmen, that's hack work by

comparison.

That's what I do.

If you knew Ethan Croft in his Oxford days, were you aware of this sexual

harassment business?

I need the rumour.

One moment he was there and suddenly he was gone, accompanied by a lot of

whispering behind hands.

How about old -fashioned paper?

A lot of trade union minutes.

Utterly fascinating.

I bet.

He's a very angry and frustrated man, literally in his diary. I mean, it's

mainly appointments, but every so often he blubs in a comment on the news. He

hates the government, he hates bankers, and he hates the city of London.

Not a bad judge.

Oh, I found budgets here for some project or other.

Could be engineering.

All seems honest and above board.

Petty.

Breath of fresh air. As long as I can contaminate it with nicotine.

Anybody tucked up safely? As far as I know.

I can't check them all personally.

But I've never lost anybody until this weekend.

Do you remember Ethan Croft when he was a student here? I certainly do.

Piss artist and sex maniac.

But you're saying something, bearing in mind he's a student and they're all that

way inclined.

Were you familiar with him as a junior lecturer?

When they ran him out of town.

Not bad, was it? Well, no. It was all very gentlemanly, this being Oxford.

Other places he would have been tarred and feathered. You remember the name of

the girl?

I can't remember what she was called then. I know what she's called now.

What? Mrs. Milner. Can't remember her first name.

Married to Professor Milner, the engineer?

Yeah. Why didn't you tell us this earlier?

Nor would you have asked me.

You didn't tell us your wife was the young woman who accused Ethan Croft of

sexual harassment?

A sin of omission, I apologize.

Why didn't you tell us?

It was a very painful episode for her. Traumatic.

The scars took a long time to heal, and I... I didn't want to drag into all of

this. It didn't seem relevant.

That implies you know what is relevant.

Not at all. I'm simply a very protective husband.

Now, permission to return to my breakfast?

As long as you promise not to run away.

Where would I run to?

Mr Lewis.

Good morning. I thought I should let you know that we'd like to leave at

lunchtime. Sorry, that won't be possible. We're under order to be fired

tomorrow. To? I'm not allowed to say, but I believe there's a lot of sand.

Peacekeeping. Smart money says so. Look, as far as I'm concerned, you can leave

the minute we've made an arrest.

I can talk to your commanding officer if that would help the situation. No need.

I'll refer him directly to you.

By the way, smart money still says that Mr Richards is your man.

He's rescheduled the quiz for two o 'clock.

Says to me he's looking for a quick exit.

Aren't we all?

Aye.

All right, Pat.

You're fine now, no?

Oh, that's brilliant.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

I'm going to have to write this down.

Yeah.

Okay.

Nice and slow.

Oh, I've got news for you.

Oh, good. I enjoy news.

Look. A 1948 Gibson L5 PE guitar with a honey blonde finish and a Charlie

Christian pick -up?

Any resemblance to yours? How do you do this? You don't do computers.

No, I found me daughter. She told me right at the look how to do it.

It's amazing.

Is it yours?

Yeah.

And is it really worth £3 ,000?

Well, her price is beyond rubies.

I'll take that as a yes, then.

Oh, showtime!

We still don't know who Croft had sex with before he died.

We could ask them all.

The only thing I know for sure is nobody tells the truth about their sex life.

That's very good.

I'll try and remember that.

Welcome to the Quizaholics Grand Final.

Within the next half hour, one of these two teams will walk away with £5 ,000.

To make things more difficult for them, and with the help of my magic laptop,

they will have to do so under simulated television studio conditions.

Grey Guardians, are you ready?

I've been ready for 50 years.

Toxic debt?

Round to go.

Good luck to both teams.

And we'll start with a round that I call Very Loose Connections.

What links the following?

Ages and wisdom.

Number seven.

Would you care to explain?

Shakespeare wrote the famous Seven Ages of Man speech, and T .E. Lawrence wrote

the Seven Pillars of Wisdom.

That's correct.

Stop. You'll enjoy this one.

What linked Lawrence and Lawrence?

Yes. The answer's Shaw.

Why is the answer Shaw?

Well, T .E. Lawrence was also known as Shaw, and George Bernard Shaw lived for

many years in a place called Eric St. Lawrence. Correct.

This is ridiculous.

I don't think students read books anymore.

Don't ask me.

I'm only a policeman.

What links Shaw with a park in New York?

At last, one for the oldies. Is that your answer? No.

The answer is Artie Shaw, the great American jazz clarinetist who led a band

called the Gramercy Five, named after Gramercy Park in New York.

The band was also notable for having a harpsichord instead of the more usual

piano. Do I get a bonus point for that?

I'm afraid not, but everybody in the room is deeply impressed, I'm sure.

Yes, I'll meet the price.

Yeah, cash.

My name, um...

Lewis, with the team's dead level, it's down to the sudden death question.

And you'll be delighted to know that the subject is modern architecture.

My favourite.

I thought it might be. Which means the £5 ,000 first prize hangs on who is

to answer.

Who designed the Guggenheim?

Grey Guardians?

Frank Gehry.

Frank Gehry.

That answer is...

Incorrect.

For heaven's sake, ma 'am, I've been to the Guggenheim. It's in Bilbao. I will

read the question in full. Who designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York?

Frank Lloyd Wright. Oh, that answer is correct.

Toxic debt, you win £5 ,000.

Come forward, toxic debt.

Brilliant.

Congratulations, toxic debt. Well done.

Now, before we all pack our bags and head for home, I should just say a word

about the... Tragic events that have taken place this weekend.

I think you've all behaved brilliantly in the most difficult of circumstances.

How low will this man sink? I'd like to thank you. That's a very good question.

Mr.

Richard.

Marcus.

I'd like you to come to the police station and answer a few questions.

Sudden death questions.

We don't know yet, Mayor.

Checking the post?

I can explain.

I'm sure you will.

Does this mean the rest of us can leave?

Not yet. Maybe after tea.

Very English.

Not as much as some other people.

Looks like we were right all along.

Naturally. I still think you should go on up.

What difference would it make?

You tell the truth.

It means I'd have to tell Liza to hold evidence.

See, if I was expecting a cheque for £5 ,000, this would be deeply

disappointing. Mea culpa.

It's a scam, isn't it? A modest one. How does it work? You pay the students a

few quid and then tell them the answers in advance, is that it? They need the

money more than the old farts. Call it a social service. How much do you pay

them? A couple of hundred each.

Cash. They get free board and lodging for the weekend. From their point of

very good deal.

From my point of view, it's illegal.

Well, slightly.

Nobody gets hurt.

Two people have been murdered.

That's nothing to do with me.

Pardon the expression, but that's what they all say.

Okay.

Two -bit con man.

Guilty as charged.

And to save you checking, I've pulled the same stroke at regular intervals

the last couple of years.

On a good weekend, I might clear a couple of grand.

I'm never going to get rich.

As a matter of fact, it's very hard work.

I do not kill people, Mr Lewis.

Even when they realise what you're up to?

I don't kill them.

I give them money.

I've done it before.

It's one thing I've learned.

You can buy people with silence.

It's amazingly cheap.

Yeah.

Sir, can I have a word?

Yeah.

I just had a call from Lieutenant Baxter. She wants to speak to one of us,

Sandra Dozier. I knew she was holding out on us. No, she didn't. That was her.

Trust me.

What about Richard?

Says he's not the murdering kind. I tend to agree.

Too spineless. But it won't do any harm to the rest of them to think the case is

closed. Full sense of security.

Yeah, can't do any harm.

Go talk to the army. I'll follow you later.

Saturday night when Croft was murdered, I had sex with him.

And I hit him.

In that order?

Yes. Can you be more specific?

Well, I was on my way to bed, and I almost collided with him and Eve Rigby.

They were having a row.

And she went off to her room and I started talking to him.

Or, to be more precise, listening to him.

He was an interesting guy and... Well,

I fancied him, so... Bingo.

And this was his room?

Yeah. Why did you hit him?

His wife telephoned it. I might say a crucial moment.

I didn't know he had a wife, so I gave him a Swiss backhander.

That's how I got the bruises on my hand. Your government spotted them.

It's very good.

So you whacked him and then what?

Well, I went to my room and Croft said he needed another drink.

Don't blame him for saying he went to the bar.

Those exact words were, I'm going to make those bastards squirm.

Any bastards in particular?

The Oxford variety.

He had serious hang -ups about Oxford.

Kept going on about Helsinki.

Helsinki?

Capital of Finland.

Thanks, I know where Helsinki is.

Helsinki?

Can you check that? No need. I know exactly what that's about.

It's an engineering research laboratory.

And the professor of engineering is? Charles Milner, eminent quiz competitor.

Who paid for it? You and me?

Taxpayers? Not exactly. According to the engineering department website, it's a

unique collaboration between the British government, the Russian government, and

the major industrial interests of both countries back in the 90s. This is when

the Russians were learning to be capitalists? Yeah.

And before they started taking over our football teams.

Ethan Croft was an interpreter during the negotiations, some of which were

in Helsinki.

Now, we've got to know some of these guys. They're not saying that they're

gangsters or mafia types, but if he did and had access to valuable

information... Industrial espionage.

There are hints here and there of defence contracts.

Freelance spy?

Blame why he was kicked out of Oxford. Everyone knows that Oxford and Cambridge

are chock full of spies and traitors.

It's just stereotypical for me. Which, of course, you share.

Some of the time.

Who's going to suspect a guy who teaches in a primary school in readying and

filling out secrets to the Russians, or vice versa?

So who killed him?

How long is this likely to go on?

As long as the proverbial piece of string, I should imagine.

I was assuming our genial quiz master must be the guilty party.

One hesitates to accuse the man directly, but... Did you get any sense

was going on when you talked to the sergeant? Nothing at all. Perhaps we

just drink our tea, as we were told.

Ah, very English.

So you keep saying, and very tedious it is, too.

Sorry. Just to let everybody know, I've been released without a stain on my

character.

Professor Milner.

I'm talking about a couple of dons and a couple of lawyers who were in the

library yesterday afternoon.

No, I was here. I saw them.

It's a silly question, but what did they do?

They browsed.

Usual thing with guys like that.

They check their books are on the shelves in the right places. They look

who's who to make sure their entries have been properly updated.

That's about it.

That is Oxford.

Did you know any of them?

Sorry, I hate to be stereotypical, but they all look alike to me.

And who's who is?

We had a look at your new building. It's very impressive.

It's not all that new. It's been open almost ten years.

We think it's unique. A millennium project that actually works.

And Ethan Croft was translator and interpreter in Helsinki during the

negotiations. I believe so.

So you must have worked with him quite closely at the time. Not at all.

I was one of a team.

The Russians were there in equally large numbers.

We were in a big room, full of people.

with Croft sitting in a corner doing simultaneous translations into our

headphones. Now, it's an invaluable skill, but it doesn't form the basis for

lasting friendship.

And he wasn't the only one.

There were other interpreters. Well, as I told you, Croft left hurriedly under a

cloud. He had to be replaced.

To be fair with your wife.

Quite so.

Though she wasn't my wife at the time.

We'll need to talk to your wife.

I'd rather you didn't.

As I said, it was a traumatic experience for her.

Will she be at home?

She'll be at church. She plays the organ.

Mrs. Milner?

We're told that you had an affair with Ethan Croft, which led to him losing his

job here in Oxford.

Well, it's sort of true.

Sort of true doesn't mean much in law, Mrs Milner.

Well, it's true we had an affair, but it wasn't a case of a junior lecturer

seducing a first -year student.

That part of it was sort of 50 -50.

So how did he lose his job?

I was asked to sign a simple statement admitting to the affair, so I did.

It was true, so there seemed no harm in it.

Who asked you to sign it?

The head of my college.

And if he hadn't signed?

It was made very clear that it would have a serious effect on my degree.

What sort of degree did you get?

A first.

Look, I know it sounds like I took the pieces of silver, but I didn't tell any

lies. I simply signed a short factual statement.

Why did they want rid of Ethan?

I have no idea of the details.

And he refused to talk about it, but...

I'm pretty sure he was a whistleblower.

A whistleblower?

Something was going on, and he knew about it.

I was used to get rid of him.

Ethan Croft was a whistleblower.

Which implies that somebody is guilty of foul play.

I know he was part of the negotiation with the Russians for the financing of

Professor Milner's shiny new engineering building.

Somebody not playing by the rules?

It's possible.

Hi, can you do something for me?

Crawl all over the documents relating to the engineering building. See who was

involved. Yeah, I want lots of names.

Oh, that's easy. I'm very good at names. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

What's to be sorry about?

I don't think this was a crime of passion, which means you're probably

Even I can be wrong sometimes.

Yeah, maybe a reckless thing to say, but this is beginning to make sense.

Would it cheer you up if we collected your guitar on the way back?

Yes, it would.

Do you know Stalin Marvin's? No, you'll have to teach me.

The man's name is Davis. I bought the guitar from him three years ago, but I

thought he'd be likely to remember my name, so he's expecting a Mr Lewis.

Well, I'm a choice.

Well, it might well have been stolen property then, and it certainly is now.

Well, what's he expecting from me, Mr Lewis?

£3 ,000 in cash.

I don't actually have £3 ,000 on me.

It being...

Sunday. And how am I meant to identify this as the right instrument?

You want to try and fob me off with some old banjo? Look inside the lid.

What, your guitar has a lid?

I thought only pianos had lids. Inside the lid of the case. I know it sounds

pathetic, but I collect autographs for famous guitarists. You'll find them

inside. Inside the lid. Yeah. So tell me some of these names so I know what to

look out for. Martin Taylor, Dave Cliff, Phil Lee, Pat Mussini, Russell Malone,

John Parachew.

That's enough names.

Mr. Lewis?

I need to collect a guitar.

Be my guest.

Got the cash?

No. See you in a bit.

Okay.

You're under arrest.

What? This guitar was stolen from the boot of a car late on Friday evening.

I know his face.

Detective Sergeant Hathaway, Oxford Police.

He's done business before.

Oh.

Bugger.

Lewis? Where the hell are you? We're dealing with a double murder. You're not

the murder scene and you're not here.

The only person who is here is a very expensive Russian translator.

I'm told you're on a related inquiry. In what way related?

Both happened on a bank holiday weekend.

But here's the good news. Your translator has turned up a couple of

which might just get you off the hook.

According to our information gleaned from Ethan Croft's computer files, your

deal with the Russians who were financing the engineering building

all that smoothly. smoothly.

These things are always complicated.

The company that was originally involved pulled out and you ended up working

with some exceedingly dubious oligarchs.

I'm an engineer.

No more, no less.

I had nothing to do with those people.

So who did?

Thank you for looking after me.

Oh, feelings mutual.

Don't be a stranger.

Well, we've done the telephone numbers.

So what do they eat?

Sorry? I was thinking that maybe I could come and see you and bring something

for your tropical fish.

Ah, um... I lied about the tropical fish.

You don't have any?

No, I do have two teenage children.

And a wife?

I just wanted you to feel better.

Um, excuse me, I think I'm needed.

Does this mean people can go home? More or less.

Except we'd like a word with Mr. Anderson.

Me?

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

You promised me a weekend to remember.

I know.

I doubt I'll forget it.

Perhaps next time they should go to the other place.

You work for a firm of corporate lawyers, specialists in brokering

business deals. Yes. And you did the deal for the financing of the new

engineering building. We did. And very tedious it was, too. Why?

Russians have their own way of doing business. Yeah. And somewhere along the

line, one lot of Russians disappeared and were replaced with another lot.

Not dissimilar to gangsters.

Money was laundered. Money from drugs, prostitution, protection.

People smuggling. That is an absurd suggestion.

And Ethan Croft, the official translator, was a witness to the whole

transaction. And he left complete records of all this on his computer

Ethan Croft was a womaniser and a fantasist. Also a wild -eyed trot still

marooned in the 1980s. But horrible in his own way. Even his wife said so.

That's why he couldn't be bought off. So when he tried to blow the whistle, you

and your old university cronies conspired to stitch him up for sexual

harassment.

You two are even bigger fantasists than he was. Why didn't you join your friends

for coffee after you left the library yesterday afternoon?

But I did. We browsed in the library and then went for a coffee.

Here's the bill.

Three coffees, three cheesecakes.

Macavity wasn't there.

Why wait all these years?

You've lost me. If you're going to murder Ethan Croft, why wait until now?

must have been the knighthood. I blame the queen.

You get a knighthood in the New Year's honours list for services to the law and

international relations.

That's a step too far for Mr Croft. So this weekend, the two of you are down

here answering silly questions, and he threatens to lift up the stone and let

all those creepy crawlies see the light of day.

And being a womanizer and a show -off, he decides to share the information with

Eve Rigby.

Oh, is that the proposition?

That I killed both of them? That's most certainly the proposition.

You heard them arguing in the corridor outside your room. They both knew about

your grubby little secrets.

So they both had to go.

I am a lawyer. I don't murder people.

I wouldn't know where to start.

No, you'd know exactly where to start.

According to your Who's Who entry, you're an expert in martial arts, which

plain English makes you a trained killer.

Who's who?

Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.

He may have been a trained killer, but he wasn't smart enough to wear gloves

when he strangled E. Rigby. We'll get a DNA match.

Pass the post and wade in.

I'll pretend I understand that.

Are we really finished for the night?

Yep, all right with the world.

On a purely temporary basis, of course.

I've got a husband to confront when I get home.

I've got my baby back.

Stop it.

I assume that guitar is or was the related inquiry?

Yeah. The Gibson factor?

Yeah. Wasn't related at all, was it? Hardly at all, no.

Just be grateful I'm nice.

Night, gentlemen.

Night.

I'm all right.

Listen. I know it's a bit late, but we might just find somewhere that's still

open.

What do you think?

Bit of a consolation prize?

It's personal.

Same story again.

Yes, a bank holiday with Gann. We should have walked the table.

Gann. Desperate times, desperate measures. Wait there.

Who'd have thought that one day haddock would be a luxury food?

And that we'd get a little fork to eat it with.

Yeah. I know how to give a girl a good time.

Oh, I'm sorry about the opera, though.

Me too.

Have you booked somewhere nice to stay?

Just don't.

Modern little country house hotel in its own grounds with a swimming pool and

gymnasium, jogging trail. And just to stop you wondering, I booked two rooms.

Of course.

Would have been a damn sight more exciting than a quiz weekend, though.

What's the attraction about quizzes? Why do people do it?

Compulsive list makers.

Clinically speaking, they're...

Obsessive neurotic.

Here's a question.

If you went on Mastermind, what would be your chosen specialist subject?

Well, the thing I know most about is corpses.

That would go down great.

Barrel loft.

What about your special subject?

Aside from work and the kids, I haven't got one.

What about Luna, then?