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[PANTING]
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[LASZLO] As you know,
Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...
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[SCREAMS]
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... between being a human and a vampire.
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[GRUNTS]
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[SCREECHES]
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"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"
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to paraphrase one of your contemporary
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musical troubadours.
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Now, I've turned my
attention to isolating
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the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
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It's a very complex scientific procedure
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where I mix his DNA
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with the DNA of stray animals
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just to see what shakes.
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So, I began by fusing him with a swine.
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All very good.
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And a frog... Frog not so happy,
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- but it's just a frog.
- [FROG RIBBITS]
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This beaker for the dog,
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and this one for you.
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- Mm.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
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I just realized I got
those the wrong way around.
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- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that...
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That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
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You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
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- Urine sample? For...
- To refill the beakers.
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[RETCHING]
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[DOOR SLAMS]
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[LASZLO] Ha-ha!
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Laszlo's been in there for three days
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- and three nights now.
- Success!
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- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.
- [CRASH] - Aw, shit.
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[DOOR OPENS]
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Well?
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I don't know how to put this lightly,
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but you're fucked.
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And while we're being blunt,
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you are what the scientific community
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refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
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So... that's it? You're
just gonna give up on me?
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I'm not gonna give up on you,
I'm gonna give up on the experiments.
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And I'd like you to do one thing for me.
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Anything. Whatever you want.
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- [BLEATING]
- [GUILLERMO] What are those?
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[LASZLO] Those... well,
they're just some of the results
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of my experiments with your DNA.
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Kill them.
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["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
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♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
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♪ They have no use for your song ♪
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♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
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♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
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♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
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♪ ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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[NADJA] These are words
for "money" in America.
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So I have been teaching a class
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in Little Antipaxos on
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assimilating to America.
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I have been helping them
master everyday skills
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such as language proficiency.
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[NEW YORK ACCENT] Whoa!
Hey, I'm walkin' here!
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Learn better driving
etiquette, you piece of shit!
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I just spilled my coffee!
[REGULAR ACCENT] Write it down.
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Typical American industries.
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Films, newspapers, beef.
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Write it down.
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And I told them the words
to the colonial patriot hymn,
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which is the song of the nation.
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♪ Burgers and fries ♪
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♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
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♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪ Yeehaw!
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Also, a very important day, which is
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the annual turkey sacrifice.
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Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.
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When we are not eating
we are paying respects
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to the bird... touching
it, blowing it kisses.
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Keeping very low, on three.
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One, two, three.
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And then acknowledge the onion.
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It all started when The
Guide discovered a new detail
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about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
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Give me that.
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[SPEAKING GREEK]
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"For those you've
burned, you must atone."
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And that's when I figured it out.
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So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only
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one school that everyone went to.
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School wasn't easy for
anyone, but especially not me.
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All the other children
said I was too noisy,
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so I was always made to sit outside.
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And then one day,
somebody burned down the school.
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And that person was me.
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Nobody died, but no one ever learned
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anything ever again.
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My fellow villagers never forgave me.
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Which is why I believe doing a school
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for my fellow little
Antipaxons will maybe be a way
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to reverse this motherfucking hex!
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- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
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are a result of my DNA recombinations.
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In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.
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Created for the diagnosis of
your vampiratus interruptus.
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[STAMMERS] These creatures are-are me?
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Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
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you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
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- Get the fuck off.
- [SCREECHES]
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That one there came from one
of your stool samples and a pig.
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This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.
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And I believe you've
met these chaps before.
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- Oof.
- Ugh.
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- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
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Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
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- of my failings as a scientist.
- [BLEATING]
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Ah, and that one... now
that's a complete mistake.
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Some wool from one of
your hideous sweaters
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got in the petri dish,
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and there you go. But between you and I,
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kill that one first.
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In conclusion, the two steps
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one, go to bank, two, open account.
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Write that down.
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- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
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[NADJA] I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
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to come with me on the first day because
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I didn't want the
class to look too empty.
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00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:10,981
But now I cannot get
those two tits to leave.
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It's not the best school
class I've ever attended,
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even though it's the only one.
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How was your weekend?
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Same old, same old.
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I hear that, asshole.
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[NANDOR] I thought we'd learn more
about history, like warriors
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and killing and pillaging,
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but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
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00:05:32,455 --> 00:05:36,216
[COLIN] I used to audit
a lot of night school classes.
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Fiction writing, mostly. I once
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did a poem that I titled
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An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.
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Easy drain.
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How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
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- Seven.
- One.
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No! Water cooler does not talk.
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Write that down.
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[QUIETLY] Oh, so stupid. I give up.
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I'm starting to think that
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maybe I'm not very
good at this. [EXCLAIMS]
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No, I... I can't.
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I can't do this. I can't
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hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
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- Get off, get off, get off.
- [SCREECHING]
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I could just probably
call an exterminator
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or animal control because,
technically, you are vermin, so...
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Wow, you do look like me.
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[NADJA] Is teaching
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actually going to help me
lift this fucking hex?
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- [HISSES]
- You are struggling.
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Oh, fantastic. Another
disgruntled student.
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You have a troubled energy about you.
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A dark presence looms.
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Do you know about the hex?
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Ever since you have come
here, you have brought with you
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a very dark, spectral
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specter.
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It's like a hex, if you will.
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[SIGHS] And what is your name,
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crispy, old, wizened crone?
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Oh, my name's Helen.
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Hel... Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
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- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
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rid myself of this disgusting hex?
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- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
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00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:11,325
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
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Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
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00:07:13,883 --> 00:07:16,253
- I can't say I am surprised...
- I am the teacher...
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00:07:16,286 --> 00:07:18,255
- ... by this turn of events.
- ... and you will listen to me now.
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- I have been known to...
- I am an expert in...
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- ... um...
- [GROWLS SOFTLY]
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[NADJA] Okay. I think
I have gotten this.
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A gray egg from a red turkey,
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a petal of wolfsbane...
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Magic can be a very
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strange and confusing thing,
188
00:07:33,303 --> 00:07:35,739
which is why I do not fuck with it.
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... a snake's nose...
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00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,576
But if this sorceress
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can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.
192
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:46,872
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
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00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,618
I will need an eye of newt,
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00:07:48,651 --> 00:07:50,287
a black cat's whisker
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00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:54,958
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
196
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:58,094
What is this, uh,
an enchanted forest or something?
197
00:07:58,127 --> 00:07:59,587
It is a pastry shop.
198
00:07:59,598 --> 00:08:01,534
- Oh.
- They sell what in these modern times
199
00:08:01,545 --> 00:08:04,621
are called doughnuts.
200
00:08:04,632 --> 00:08:05,902
A doughnut?
201
00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:08,104
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
202
00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:10,807
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
203
00:08:10,818 --> 00:08:14,290
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
204
00:08:14,301 --> 00:08:16,502
But honestly, it tastes a
lot like a doughnut, so...
205
00:08:16,513 --> 00:08:18,837
I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.
206
00:08:18,848 --> 00:08:20,617
- Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.
- [BLEATING]
207
00:08:20,650 --> 00:08:21,952
No, I don't know what the next step is,
208
00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:24,754
but it's definitely not
killing them. Maybe to the zoo?
209
00:08:24,787 --> 00:08:27,726
Uh... the park? I could drop
you guys at the park, huh?
210
00:08:27,737 --> 00:08:30,520
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
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00:08:32,218 --> 00:08:34,667
- You can talk.
- Many of us can.
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00:08:34,677 --> 00:08:37,701
I apologize for not telling you sooner,
I just didn't want to...
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00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,235
- shock you.
- [SCREECHES]
214
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:48,426
A question: What is the
most important knowledge...
215
00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:51,319
one can possess?
216
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,716
History.
217
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,751
And where did human history begin?
218
00:08:54,806 --> 00:08:58,610
The great empire of Al
Qolnidar rose to power
219
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:02,504
in what the Western world calls 1262.
220
00:09:02,515 --> 00:09:04,503
But we're gonna forget about that
221
00:09:04,514 --> 00:09:08,238
and just call it the year O.
222
00:09:08,249 --> 00:09:12,383
Whatever, man. History is subjective.
223
00:09:12,394 --> 00:09:13,959
I mean, teach what you want,
224
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,446
but just know that history
225
00:09:16,457 --> 00:09:18,419
is written by the oppressors.
226
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:21,276
One of the biggest and most
227
00:09:21,287 --> 00:09:24,562
commonly-used energy drains imaginable
228
00:09:24,573 --> 00:09:27,117
is being the cool teacher.
229
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,786
I used to have a bumper
sticker that said,
230
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:32,211
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
231
00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:33,657
It was pretty rad.
232
00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,987
Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.
233
00:09:35,998 --> 00:09:37,260
Some condoms.
234
00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:39,646
I want you guys to be healthy out there.
235
00:09:39,657 --> 00:09:42,654
You don't have to be in
love to wear the glove.
236
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,134
- Right, Lorraine?
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson
237
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,136
has tricked my pupils into thinking
238
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,338
- that they are learning.
- [CHUCKLES]
239
00:09:48,371 --> 00:09:50,207
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
240
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,460
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
241
00:09:52,471 --> 00:09:53,899
[COLIN] Let me tell you about Hamlet.
242
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:55,912
A prince of a castle.
243
00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:58,141
You wince, but his hassle
244
00:09:58,152 --> 00:10:00,510
was the death of... his daddy.
245
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:01,889
A baddy? No.
246
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,699
- But sad he was when the lad said, "Egad"...
- [GROWLS]
247
00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:07,556
a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.
248
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,093
[NANDOR] What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
249
00:10:10,126 --> 00:10:11,895
on the desk with his legs crossed
250
00:10:11,928 --> 00:10:15,417
so that everyone can see
his nut hanging out his short.
251
00:10:17,203 --> 00:10:18,378
[GUILLERMO] You can talk?
252
00:10:18,389 --> 00:10:20,392
- You're, like, real people?
- [BLEATING]
253
00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:21,705
Why didn't you tell me you could talk?
254
00:10:21,738 --> 00:10:23,373
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
255
00:10:23,428 --> 00:10:25,790
What, you open up to
people right off the bat?
256
00:10:25,801 --> 00:10:27,811
Well, no, not usually,
I guess I take a second,
257
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,021
yeah, but...
258
00:10:29,032 --> 00:10:32,608
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
259
00:10:32,619 --> 00:10:33,893
But Daddy Gemerno,
260
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:36,533
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, shit.
261
00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:37,701
Ugh, what'd you eat?
262
00:10:37,712 --> 00:10:38,947
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
263
00:10:38,958 --> 00:10:40,526
made the froggie pregnant.
264
00:10:40,537 --> 00:10:41,845
- What?
- I want raw meat.
265
00:10:41,856 --> 00:10:43,424
- Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.
- [BLEATING] Da-da.
266
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,090
- [DOG] What's the plan, Daddy?
- Come on!
267
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,928
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
268
00:10:46,939 --> 00:10:49,277
Stop talking. I got to
think, I got to think.
269
00:10:49,418 --> 00:10:52,142
Laszlo wants me to, you
know, get rid of you.
270
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:54,355
What means "get rid of"?
271
00:10:54,366 --> 00:10:56,669
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
272
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,949
of the one true Guillermo who saves us.
273
00:10:59,238 --> 00:11:01,474
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
274
00:11:01,485 --> 00:11:03,387
He was born 15 minutes before me.
275
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:04,643
Hello, young one.
276
00:11:04,654 --> 00:11:07,249
Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us.
277
00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:08,575
- Daddy, Daddy.
- [DOG] Ain't that right, Daddy?
278
00:11:08,586 --> 00:11:11,261
- I don't want to die.
- Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.
279
00:11:11,272 --> 00:11:12,840
- Fine. I'll save you.
- Yeah!
280
00:11:12,851 --> 00:11:15,061
- Thank you, Daddy.
- But you can't tell Laszlo, okay?
281
00:11:15,072 --> 00:11:16,997
- Agreed.
- Is this all of you guys?
282
00:11:17,008 --> 00:11:18,667
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
283
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,213
Binky's the most fragile among us.
284
00:11:20,224 --> 00:11:21,392
He lives in the koi pond.
285
00:11:21,403 --> 00:11:24,328
- Find him, Guillermo.
- Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.
286
00:11:24,339 --> 00:11:25,941
And you're all gonna stay put
287
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:28,368
a-and not make a noise. All right?
288
00:11:28,379 --> 00:11:30,985
Do not think your
bravery will go unnoticed.
289
00:11:30,996 --> 00:11:33,011
- See her? This fetching bitch...
- [WHINES]
290
00:11:33,022 --> 00:11:35,792
... is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
291
00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:38,091
- No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
292
00:11:38,102 --> 00:11:39,363
- [PIG] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
293
00:11:39,374 --> 00:11:40,477
[DOG] Daddy!
294
00:11:42,081 --> 00:11:44,150
Helen, I'm home! [CHUCKLES]
295
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:45,938
So, I think I got everything.
296
00:11:46,077 --> 00:11:47,435
One monkey paw.
297
00:11:47,446 --> 00:11:50,383
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
298
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:54,220
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
299
00:11:54,231 --> 00:11:55,903
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
300
00:11:55,914 --> 00:11:58,892
vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
301
00:11:58,903 --> 00:12:00,963
What am I supposed to do with this?
302
00:12:00,974 --> 00:12:03,479
Could you not use that
for your magic potion?
303
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,025
Has to be chocolate or...
304
00:12:05,036 --> 00:12:07,656
You think I can put this in my big bowl?
305
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:09,135
Do you mean a cauldron?
306
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,866
Yes. That is the word.
307
00:12:10,877 --> 00:12:12,527
You're gonna have to go back out.
308
00:12:12,538 --> 00:12:13,927
Of course, yes.
309
00:12:13,938 --> 00:12:17,895
And why don't you also grab me
310
00:12:17,906 --> 00:12:19,679
three Boston creams,
311
00:12:19,712 --> 00:12:22,382
three chocolate glazed, four jelly
312
00:12:22,415 --> 00:12:25,188
and five glazed crullers.
313
00:12:25,199 --> 00:12:26,924
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
314
00:12:26,935 --> 00:12:29,324
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
315
00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:31,766
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
316
00:12:31,777 --> 00:12:33,660
[NADJA] I don't know much about hexes
317
00:12:33,671 --> 00:12:35,761
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
318
00:12:35,772 --> 00:12:39,337
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
319
00:12:39,348 --> 00:12:43,458
Also, Helen said she had this
magic wand for thousands of years.
320
00:12:43,469 --> 00:12:45,905
But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside
321
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,862
and pick up a stick from the ground.
322
00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:50,076
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
323
00:12:50,109 --> 00:12:52,478
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
324
00:12:52,489 --> 00:12:54,659
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
325
00:12:54,670 --> 00:12:55,693
Close enough.
326
00:12:55,881 --> 00:12:57,483
[HUMMING A TUNE]
327
00:12:57,516 --> 00:12:59,552
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]
328
00:12:59,585 --> 00:13:02,093
What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you
329
00:13:02,104 --> 00:13:03,872
doing in there... are you wanking?
330
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:06,486
- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were.
331
00:13:06,497 --> 00:13:09,324
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
332
00:13:09,335 --> 00:13:11,404
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
333
00:13:11,564 --> 00:13:13,132
Listen, I understand this kind of thing
334
00:13:13,143 --> 00:13:14,445
is not for the faint of heart.
335
00:13:14,456 --> 00:13:15,690
So if you don't have the balls for it,
336
00:13:15,701 --> 00:13:17,369
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
337
00:13:18,170 --> 00:13:20,385
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
338
00:13:20,396 --> 00:13:22,271
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
339
00:13:22,282 --> 00:13:23,509
- And wank.
- Yeah.
340
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:24,811
- Yes!
- Okay.
341
00:13:24,844 --> 00:13:26,779
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
342
00:13:27,747 --> 00:13:29,415
Okay.
343
00:13:29,448 --> 00:13:31,606
Binky. [SMOOCHES]
344
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,354
Hey, buddy. Come on.
345
00:13:34,387 --> 00:13:35,455
Come on.
346
00:13:35,488 --> 00:13:37,423
Whoa, Nelly!
347
00:13:38,746 --> 00:13:39,792
[GASPING]
348
00:13:39,825 --> 00:13:43,496
Daddy, what is "wank"? [GASPS]
349
00:13:46,772 --> 00:13:49,542
[OUT OF TUNE CHORD]
350
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:51,923
I almost have it.
351
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:53,862
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
352
00:13:53,873 --> 00:13:55,218
- [SIGHS]
- Hold on.
353
00:13:55,229 --> 00:13:57,031
- [IN-TUNE CHORD]
- There.
354
00:13:57,042 --> 00:14:00,427
So, what did we just
learn about sound waves?
355
00:14:00,438 --> 00:14:01,536
Yeah. Lenore.
356
00:14:01,547 --> 00:14:02,782
When will learn about, uh,
357
00:14:02,793 --> 00:14:04,629
starting mortgage?
358
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,754
Right after I play
359
00:14:06,765 --> 00:14:08,770
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
360
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,383
- Uh, let's see...
- Colin Robinson,
361
00:14:10,394 --> 00:14:12,429
what are we doing outside?
362
00:14:12,591 --> 00:14:14,694
Having class on the quad, man.
363
00:14:14,727 --> 00:14:16,562
Kind of a college tradition.
364
00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,264
I catch your drift, though.
365
00:14:18,655 --> 00:14:21,379
How about we get the old blood pumpin'
366
00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:25,018
- with some hacky sack?
- [GRUNTS]
367
00:14:25,029 --> 00:14:26,029
- That's not cool.
- [THUD]
368
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,423
- We are going to the history museum.
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]
369
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,706
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
370
00:14:30,717 --> 00:14:33,279
Yes. Very much so. Follow me!
371
00:14:33,312 --> 00:14:35,315
- Oh. [MUTTERS]
- Who here has seen Garden State?
372
00:14:35,348 --> 00:14:37,999
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
373
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:40,012
to listen to by The Shins.
374
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:46,382
This is from the Dunkin' on Forest
and Broadway. I said it must be
375
00:14:46,393 --> 00:14:49,595
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
376
00:14:49,628 --> 00:14:52,231
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
377
00:14:52,264 --> 00:14:53,833
- [SIGHS]
- I will need a dozen more
378
00:14:53,866 --> 00:14:56,880
- from the Forest and South location.
- Are you kidding me?
379
00:14:56,891 --> 00:14:59,160
How many donuts do you need, lady?
380
00:14:59,171 --> 00:15:00,707
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
381
00:15:00,740 --> 00:15:02,508
Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?
382
00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:05,397
Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful
383
00:15:05,408 --> 00:15:06,977
with each passing moment.
384
00:15:06,988 --> 00:15:09,737
- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me one last thing.
385
00:15:09,748 --> 00:15:11,273
Yes, yes, anything.
386
00:15:13,010 --> 00:15:15,254
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
387
00:15:15,287 --> 00:15:19,092
Powder represents the
ashes of your ancestors.
388
00:15:19,103 --> 00:15:22,195
I will get you a dozen
powdered Munchkins.
389
00:15:22,206 --> 00:15:23,841
Stay with me, Helen!
390
00:15:24,316 --> 00:15:26,319
- [WHIMPERING]
- Oh.
391
00:15:26,330 --> 00:15:28,523
- Piss!
- [STOPS WHIMPERING]
392
00:15:28,975 --> 00:15:31,137
What are you doing?! Come on!
393
00:15:31,170 --> 00:15:33,640
[NANDOR] And you will not
call the police about us
394
00:15:33,673 --> 00:15:36,409
being here while the museum is closed.
395
00:15:36,464 --> 00:15:38,199
[QUIET CHATTER]
396
00:15:38,441 --> 00:15:42,014
The entire history of Staten Island!
397
00:15:42,034 --> 00:15:44,598
- Look at this.
- [COLIN] This is a recreation
398
00:15:44,609 --> 00:15:47,754
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
399
00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:49,778
based on old travel chests
400
00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:52,325
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
401
00:15:52,358 --> 00:15:54,594
This fellow is wearing traditional
402
00:15:54,627 --> 00:15:57,163
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
403
00:15:57,174 --> 00:16:00,007
This is exactly the
kind of outfit I wore
404
00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:02,068
on my journey to America.
405
00:16:02,101 --> 00:16:04,270
And I do so love
406
00:16:04,303 --> 00:16:08,524
that this is from the
immigrant's perspective.
407
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,992
So accurate, down to the underwear.
408
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,980
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
409
00:16:14,991 --> 00:16:16,582
Wait a minute.
410
00:16:17,037 --> 00:16:19,212
Those are a pair I used to own!
411
00:16:19,223 --> 00:16:21,882
How did these fuckers get my stuff?!
412
00:16:23,422 --> 00:16:26,670
Donut wench, I need a dozen
powdered Munchkins, and make it quick.
413
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:30,251
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
414
00:16:30,262 --> 00:16:31,826
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
415
00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:33,939
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
416
00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:36,302
Wait... Wait, hang on, that is her.
417
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,605
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
418
00:16:38,638 --> 00:16:41,037
Um, I guess I know her from, like,
419
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:43,547
harassing me and my co-workers.
420
00:16:43,558 --> 00:16:44,647
That's mainly how.
421
00:16:44,658 --> 00:16:47,240
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
422
00:16:47,251 --> 00:16:50,007
I thought her name was
Helen the Magic Woman.
423
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:52,218
[SPEAKS GREEK]
424
00:16:52,251 --> 00:16:54,989
Something here stinks of a snake's shit.
425
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,835
I have your Munchkins.
426
00:16:57,679 --> 00:16:59,414
We need to have a little chat.
427
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:03,099
What is this? Why does
it say Helen Johnson
428
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:05,461
when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?
429
00:17:05,472 --> 00:17:08,797
I, um, never told you my full name,
430
00:17:08,808 --> 00:17:12,714
which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
431
00:17:12,725 --> 00:17:14,221
The hex is playing tricks on you.
432
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:17,601
This is textbook hex.
The solution is a strawb...
433
00:17:17,612 --> 00:17:19,467
No! Ugh!
434
00:17:19,597 --> 00:17:20,731
Wait!
435
00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:25,243
You have no idea what it's like
436
00:17:25,254 --> 00:17:28,342
to not be allowed back to the one place
437
00:17:28,353 --> 00:17:31,212
- you feel at home.
- [SIGHS]
438
00:17:31,223 --> 00:17:32,870
I do know what it is like
439
00:17:32,881 --> 00:17:34,260
to be driven from the only place
440
00:17:34,293 --> 00:17:35,762
you have ever called home,
441
00:17:35,795 --> 00:17:38,466
just as I was driven out of my village.
442
00:17:38,477 --> 00:17:39,792
It ain't great. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
443
00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:41,865
My hex may not have been lifted,
444
00:17:41,876 --> 00:17:44,663
but with a little hypnosis,
445
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,943
at least Helen's has been.
446
00:17:47,763 --> 00:17:51,726
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
447
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,839
You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.
448
00:17:55,556 --> 00:17:58,673
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
449
00:17:58,684 --> 00:18:03,501
in the Near Middle East, one
with a particularly weak army,
450
00:18:03,512 --> 00:18:05,761
based on their inferior weaponry."
451
00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:08,227
What? Those are my travel weapons.
452
00:18:08,238 --> 00:18:12,237
"Also inside was a
well-worn good-luck amulet.
453
00:18:12,248 --> 00:18:16,136
The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
454
00:18:16,147 --> 00:18:20,051
travelers of the day, and they
sought comfort in superstitions... "
455
00:18:20,062 --> 00:18:22,379
I was not terrified of shit.
456
00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:24,520
And I don't even know what an amulet is.
457
00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:27,895
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
458
00:18:27,906 --> 00:18:32,696
[COLIN] It also says that the
immigrant was a talented writer.
459
00:18:32,707 --> 00:18:36,041
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
460
00:18:36,052 --> 00:18:38,110
while flying in the sky."
461
00:18:38,121 --> 00:18:40,259
That's right... sky fucking.
462
00:18:40,292 --> 00:18:41,594
Glad to see they've acknowledged
463
00:18:41,627 --> 00:18:43,463
some of the cool shit that I've done.
464
00:18:43,496 --> 00:18:46,466
"It's a rare example of
early erotic fiction."
465
00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:48,753
Fiction? This is not fiction.
466
00:18:48,764 --> 00:18:51,738
- This is my diary!
- [COLIN] "It is likely that, unable
467
00:18:51,771 --> 00:18:54,569
to find a sexual partner,
468
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:57,459
the immigrant bided
his time imagining one.
469
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,028
The crude and improbable descriptions
470
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:01,942
of his intercourse
471
00:19:01,953 --> 00:19:04,015
- furthermore suggests this individual...
- [LOW GROWLING]
472
00:19:04,026 --> 00:19:06,407
- Don't say it!
- ... never had sex."
473
00:19:06,418 --> 00:19:09,415
[NANDOR GROANING, YELLING]
474
00:19:11,803 --> 00:19:14,906
[COLIN] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
475
00:19:15,935 --> 00:19:17,836
- [BLEATING]
- [SQUEALING]
476
00:19:20,001 --> 00:19:22,070
[LASZLO] I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
477
00:19:22,125 --> 00:19:24,739
Steady thy hand and become death.
478
00:19:24,750 --> 00:19:27,631
But wait till I'm gone. I don't want
to be covered in brains and shit.
479
00:19:27,642 --> 00:19:29,552
- Au revoir.
- [BLEATS]
480
00:19:29,563 --> 00:19:31,277
- Bye.
- [WHIMPERING]
481
00:19:31,288 --> 00:19:33,833
- Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS]
482
00:19:33,844 --> 00:19:34,923
- [BLEATING]
- There we go.
483
00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:39,387
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
484
00:19:39,398 --> 00:19:42,445
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa...
- [CREATURES EXCLAIMING]
485
00:19:42,456 --> 00:19:43,825
Oh! [GRUNTS]
486
00:19:43,858 --> 00:19:46,262
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [GROWLING]
487
00:19:46,273 --> 00:19:47,600
Sorry about that.
488
00:19:49,864 --> 00:19:51,032
[COLIN] Hello.
489
00:19:51,283 --> 00:19:53,935
I thought you might want this
490
00:19:53,946 --> 00:19:55,815
key ring that your mommy gave you.
491
00:19:55,870 --> 00:19:58,072
I stole it from the museum.
492
00:19:58,083 --> 00:20:01,213
Is this how history is going to
remember me, Colin Robinson,
493
00:20:01,224 --> 00:20:03,378
if it is going to remember me at all?
494
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,714
Well, I also took the liberty
495
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,751
of rearranging the museum display.
496
00:20:09,762 --> 00:20:11,771
"This immigrant was a very feared
497
00:20:11,782 --> 00:20:13,955
and very cool ancient warrior
498
00:20:13,988 --> 00:20:17,558
who set the world's record
for having the most constant
499
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:19,727
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
500
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,631
"Often while flying, and he
was never scared of boat rides."
501
00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:25,121
[NANDOR] You're shitting me.
502
00:20:25,176 --> 00:20:28,714
Whatever, you know? Uh,
history is a construct.
503
00:20:28,725 --> 00:20:30,393
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
504
00:20:30,404 --> 00:20:32,089
You are not just a cool teacher.
505
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,316
You are also a cool friend.
506
00:20:34,327 --> 00:20:36,433
[SINGSONGY] Awkward
moment. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
507
00:20:37,178 --> 00:20:39,547
- [BRAKES SQUEAKS]
- Okay.
508
00:20:39,809 --> 00:20:42,345
Just remember: never
be seen by the staff.
509
00:20:43,028 --> 00:20:45,098
- You're only safe with the old people.
- Okay.
510
00:20:45,108 --> 00:20:47,021
- [BLEATING] Iunderstand.
- Yes, we understand.
511
00:20:47,054 --> 00:20:49,390
[GUILLERMO] So I just dropped
them off at a retirement home
512
00:20:49,423 --> 00:20:50,792
that my tía works at.
513
00:20:50,825 --> 00:20:52,427
She's always saying the residents
514
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:53,795
are really lonely and love company.
515
00:20:53,828 --> 00:20:57,365
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [MAN] Yeah. B-1.
516
00:20:57,398 --> 00:20:59,521
[GUILLERMO] And it was super
easy to get the paperwork
517
00:20:59,532 --> 00:21:01,034
for an emotional support animal.
518
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:03,404
[CHUCKLING, SIGHING]
519
00:21:04,090 --> 00:21:06,507
[GUILLERMO] They'll be
happy here, I think.
520
00:21:07,703 --> 00:21:09,307
I hope.
521
00:21:09,610 --> 00:21:12,046
♪ Born free ♪
522
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:15,883
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
523
00:21:16,458 --> 00:21:20,188
♪ As free as the grass grows... ♪
524
00:21:20,475 --> 00:21:23,448
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
525
00:21:23,605 --> 00:21:26,508
[LASZLO] Gizmo, what
are you doing out there?
526
00:21:26,781 --> 00:21:27,797
Having a wank?
527
00:21:27,808 --> 00:21:30,356
Ah, good man. Carry on.
528
00:21:31,796 --> 00:21:33,868
- Hey, buddy.
- [GURGLES]
529
00:21:33,901 --> 00:21:36,604
♪ Live free ♪
530
00:21:36,637 --> 00:21:40,541
♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪
531
00:21:40,574 --> 00:21:43,578
♪ The world still astounds you ♪
532
00:21:43,611 --> 00:21:45,747
♪ Each time you look at ♪
533
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:49,918
♪ A star ♪
534
00:21:49,951 --> 00:21:52,887
♪ Stay free ♪
535
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,824
♪ Where no walls divide you ♪
536
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:59,727
♪ You're free as the roaring tides ♪
537
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,729
♪ So there's no need ♪
538
00:22:01,762 --> 00:22:06,367
♪ To hide ♪
539
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,438
♪ Born free ♪
540
00:22:10,471 --> 00:22:13,841
♪ Born free... ♪
541
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:17,879
♪ Born free ♪
542
00:22:17,912 --> 00:22:19,881
♪ Born. ♪
543
00:22:20,227 --> 00:22:25,227
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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