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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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... for once, I agree with Gizmo.
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You do overuse the vampiric hypnosis.
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- What? And you don't?
- I don't need to.
4
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I can rely on my wit and wisdom,
not cheap tricks and gambits.
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Electrical audio recording.
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Testing. One, two and...
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My point being, I can
wander about these humans
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without having to resort to hypnosis.
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I'm a student of the human condition,
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a psychological
chameleon, one might say.
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00:00:22,583 --> 00:00:24,036
Well, one might also say
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that you have hypnotized your
best friend Sean many times.
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Yeah, to clear up your mess,
but I don't say anything
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that causes Sean any kind of alarm.
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In fact, if you talk
to Sean, he'll tell you
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I'm just one of the guys.
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Well, he's my friend, too.
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That's 'cause he's a nice guy,
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which makes it doubly embarrassing
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when you say dumb shit like,
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"I am a vampire, I've
lived for 2,000 years.
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"I like to suck-a the blood.
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"Oh, shit. I fucked up.
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I'll now have to hypnotize
the whole fucking world."
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- I don't do that.
- You do do that.
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You just said "Doo doo."
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Touché. Can we get on with this?
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["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
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♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
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♪ They have no use for your song ♪
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♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
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♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
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♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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[NADJA] I am not imagining anything.
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Something is going very
tits up with my life.
40
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- In what ways?
- I don't know, Colin Robinson.
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How about, my nightclub
got destroyed by fire?
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- Which you set.
- I was drinking
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liquor blood every day for months.
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I know, my darling, but we did all
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- tell you to slow down.
- Slow down.
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- We did tell you to slow down.
- [NADJA] And no one,
47
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none of you told me to slow down!
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- Uh...
- And now, my poor, precious little dolly
49
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has got her body all
mangled and minced up.
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You did that by sitting on me.
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While you were drunk on liquor blood.
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After we told you to slow down.
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- Yes.
- This is never going to end. [CRIES]
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Now, now, Nadja. There,
there. It is going to end.
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And I have just the thing
that's going to help you.
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Don't tell me, Nandor. Hypnosis.
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Uh...
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Hypnosis seems to be Nandor's
solution to every problem.
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And as a fellow vampire,
I find this artless,
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and even embarrassing.
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You plan to hypnotize my
wife free of all her woes?
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- No, actually.
- Really?
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What was it then?
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You know what? The
atmosphere in this room
65
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- is not really conducive to positive...
- Hey...
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... contributions, so just forget it.
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[RUMBLING]
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- Surprise!
- [GASPING]
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I'm back.
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- Were you gone?
- Yes.
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I was gone for a while.
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I have been sitting over there
73
00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:02,803
at the Vampiric Council headquarters
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wondering if you guys
were going to come back.
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After a while, I just decided,
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"Maybe they forgot I even exist!"
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[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
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Says here we're on track
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for a higher than usual level
of precipitation this month.
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- [NANDOR] No doubt.
- Mm.
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So, what did I miss?
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What's the old gang been up to, huh?
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Actually, I'm going to sit in
that chair in a few minutes.
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No problemo. It's more
comfortable over here.
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Any fun activities planned for tonight?
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Yes, we're off for a night on the town
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00:03:36,669 --> 00:03:39,084
- with Sean and his friends.
- Ha, ha!
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Is this like a "Come
one, come all" type deal?
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Uh, not sure.
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I'll give you a ring when I get there.
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- All right.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
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- But you don't have a phone.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
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That was weird, right?
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00:03:50,519 --> 00:03:53,195
I know it's hard to break
into a vampire clique.
95
00:03:53,206 --> 00:03:55,976
Oh, no. What happened
to your little body?
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- She sat on me.
- No.
97
00:03:58,162 --> 00:04:00,579
They've never invited
me to live in the house.
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Apparently, they are not allowed
to have a fifth vampire here,
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due to some zoning regulation
100
00:04:08,088 --> 00:04:10,415
that I have never heard of.
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[SEAN] I was never much of a
wine guy when I was younger.
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- Same.
- But that's 'cause we were drinking to get drunk.
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Now that we're older,
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00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:23,542
you know, you can appreciate
the concept of moderation.
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Or Charmaine told you you
better start appreciating it
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if you don't want to keep sleeping
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on an army cot in the garage.
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- Come on.
- Whoa. Why you got to bring that up?
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Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
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make a sage frolic,
and the serious smile.
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Whoa! We got a fucking poet over here.
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Classic Laz.
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[LASZLO] Now I'd like
to claim that as my own,
114
00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:44,976
it was actually written
a long time ago by Homer.
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[FRANK] Oh. Homer's great.
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- Yeah. D'oh!
- Yeah. D'oh.
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- [CHUCKLING]
- Yes!
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Wine is very cool.
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Um...
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That was... Nandor.
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- Hmm.
- Oh, me. But seriously,
122
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yeah, how come you guys never drink?
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I mean, I don't think I've
ever seen you guys take a sip
124
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:06,529
of nothing ever.
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00:05:06,563 --> 00:05:08,915
- Uh...
- Never?
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- No?
- No.
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00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:11,968
[SEAN] What's up with that?
128
00:05:12,002 --> 00:05:16,077
Actually, uh, I drink lots of fluids.
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00:05:16,088 --> 00:05:18,316
- Oh.
- Red fluids.
130
00:05:18,327 --> 00:05:21,518
If Nandor were to engage his
brain just once before speaking,
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he would not fall back on hypnosis.
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Much like your wine.
133
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- Except it is not wine.
- [FRANK] Hmm.
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Okay.
135
00:05:31,966 --> 00:05:33,114
What is it then?
136
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,275
- Um...
- Um...
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I don't know why I said that.
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[LASZLO] A real vampire uses
wit, wisdom and charm.
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00:05:39,642 --> 00:05:42,222
What he's trying to
say is, um, he's more
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of a Red Bull and vodka guy.
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ALL: Oh!
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- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.
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00:05:47,532 --> 00:05:49,196
The reason you don't see us drinking is,
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'cause we pre-gamed before
we got here very heavily.
145
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There you go. Budget conscious.
146
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And you never see us eat anything
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'cause I don't want
what's going down there
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to come back up here and
across your stupid faces.
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- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
150
00:06:04,115 --> 00:06:06,350
See? Little charm goes a long way.
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00:06:07,098 --> 00:06:08,400
That was close.
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00:06:09,272 --> 00:06:10,539
[NADJA] And on top of this
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00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,486
bag of shit things that
keep happening to me,
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I've got no one to talk to about it.
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I am here.
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Yes, yes, but you know what I mean.
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I have got absolutely
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no really close female friends anymore.
159
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None?
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Nope. Go figure.
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[GUIDE] I just felt like
we had gotten closer
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with the nightclub and
everything, and... [SIGHS]
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So you're telling me
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you have no close female friends?
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None at all.
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What do I got to do? [LAUGHS]
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- [SIGHS]
- It's got an ass-load of terroir.
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00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:58,044
- What the fuck do you know, terroir?
- What do you mean?
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00:06:58,055 --> 00:07:00,158
Nandor, uh, I don't know
whether you've noticed,
170
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:02,911
but Gizmo seems a bit odd lately.
171
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,865
Yeah, I mean, he's been
a bit distant lately,
172
00:07:04,876 --> 00:07:08,245
but I think it's because I haven't
given him enough shit work.
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00:07:08,256 --> 00:07:09,837
You know what it's like with familiars.
174
00:07:09,848 --> 00:07:12,523
If you don't give them enough shit work,
then they have too much time
175
00:07:12,534 --> 00:07:15,156
to contemplate their
own pathetic existences.
176
00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:16,902
I think it might be something else.
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00:07:16,913 --> 00:07:20,350
I have a theory, but I could
just be imagining things.
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[GUILLERMO] I don't understand
what's taking so long.
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00:07:22,822 --> 00:07:24,647
How long did it take when
you were made into a vampire
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00:07:24,658 --> 00:07:27,326
to fully, you know, become a vampire?
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00:07:27,337 --> 00:07:29,172
For me it was, like, six to eight hours,
182
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:32,153
but as with all things,
your mileage may vary.
183
00:07:32,164 --> 00:07:34,160
It's been three weeks.
Why am I not a vampire?
184
00:07:34,171 --> 00:07:35,896
- I should be a vampire by now.
- Maybe you are one,
185
00:07:35,907 --> 00:07:37,275
and you just don't realize it.
186
00:07:37,286 --> 00:07:39,213
Okay, hang on. Have you tried this?
187
00:07:39,224 --> 00:07:41,397
Form of... Microchiroptera.
188
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:44,516
[SQUEAKING]
189
00:07:44,549 --> 00:07:45,655
[GASPS]
190
00:07:46,575 --> 00:07:48,908
No. I can't do that.
If I could do that, I wouldn't be here.
191
00:07:48,919 --> 00:07:51,383
- Have you tried?
- Yes, of course, I've tried.
192
00:07:51,714 --> 00:07:53,216
Try now.
193
00:07:53,924 --> 00:07:55,242
Okay.
194
00:07:56,562 --> 00:07:57,655
Bat.
195
00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:01,379
Whoa! That is some freaky shit.
196
00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:02,863
- [MAN] Hey, Derek?
- Toilets!
197
00:08:02,874 --> 00:08:05,052
- It's overflowing.
- Yeah, um, I've got to...
198
00:08:05,063 --> 00:08:06,731
Hold that thought.
199
00:08:06,845 --> 00:08:08,513
- [MAN] Derek!
- Coming!
200
00:08:16,635 --> 00:08:19,038
I think I have everything we need.
201
00:08:19,049 --> 00:08:20,547
For what?
202
00:08:20,558 --> 00:08:22,409
All these troubles you're having...
203
00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,777
I hate to say it, but
I think it might be...
204
00:08:24,788 --> 00:08:26,157
a hex.
205
00:08:26,518 --> 00:08:28,657
Do you mean, like, a curse?
206
00:08:28,668 --> 00:08:32,230
No, no, curses are just
supernatural excuses
207
00:08:32,263 --> 00:08:34,349
people make up for being losers.
208
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,330
Hexes, on the other
hand... that's a real thing.
209
00:08:37,408 --> 00:08:40,645
Targeted harassment brought
on by your own past actions.
210
00:08:40,656 --> 00:08:43,025
- Right.
- Let's just rule it out.
211
00:08:43,036 --> 00:08:45,566
Is there anyone in your life,
212
00:08:45,577 --> 00:08:49,214
current or past, that
you have treated unkindly?
213
00:08:49,225 --> 00:08:50,660
- Nope.
- No one?
214
00:08:50,671 --> 00:08:52,075
- No.
- Never?
215
00:08:52,086 --> 00:08:54,047
- No.
- No one?
216
00:08:54,058 --> 00:08:55,326
Nope.
217
00:08:56,214 --> 00:08:58,693
- Oh, that's the way.
- Please stop fucking doing that.
218
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,244
- Why? Why?
- What's wrong with you?
219
00:09:00,255 --> 00:09:02,917
Hey, hey, hey, hey, boys.
220
00:09:02,928 --> 00:09:04,729
Why don't we just play nice?
221
00:09:04,740 --> 00:09:06,418
No, it's bullshit.
222
00:09:06,429 --> 00:09:09,999
That's a fucking
eight-dollar bottle of wine,
223
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:11,545
and he's putting ice in it!
224
00:09:11,556 --> 00:09:14,528
That's what they do in France!
225
00:09:14,539 --> 00:09:17,403
- Come on. Marone.
- Easy now, fellows.
226
00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:19,206
Mikey's right. That is
what they do in France.
227
00:09:19,244 --> 00:09:22,569
What the fuck do you
know from fucking France?
228
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:24,858
Oh! My cousin is from France.
229
00:09:24,869 --> 00:09:27,687
Your cousin is from fucking Quebec!
230
00:09:27,698 --> 00:09:30,134
- How dare you.
- But I'm right, ain't I?
231
00:09:30,145 --> 00:09:31,857
- Ain't I? Huh?
- Quit doing the fucking chin thing.
232
00:09:31,868 --> 00:09:33,134
- Fuck you.
- Get the fuck out of...
233
00:09:33,145 --> 00:09:34,282
- [CLAMORING]
- [WOMAN] Hey... stop it!
234
00:09:34,293 --> 00:09:35,694
[LASZLO LAUGHS]
235
00:09:35,727 --> 00:09:37,295
- Stop it!
- Shouldn't we, uh...?
236
00:09:37,306 --> 00:09:38,981
No, I think let them just carry on.
237
00:09:38,992 --> 00:09:41,280
- They're having a great time.
- [MIKEY] You know, I think
238
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:43,011
Céline Dion is from Quebec.
239
00:09:43,022 --> 00:09:44,430
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- [LASZLO] Céline who?
240
00:09:44,441 --> 00:09:45,704
Céline Dion.
241
00:09:45,737 --> 00:09:46,948
I don't know who she is.
242
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:49,914
- Vegas showgirl, singer type.
- Is she good?
243
00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:52,143
Fucking bring it!
244
00:09:52,177 --> 00:09:54,468
- [WOMAN SHRIEKS]
- Fuck you!
245
00:09:54,479 --> 00:09:56,281
- That's not good.
- No it's not.
246
00:09:56,292 --> 00:09:57,498
That's not good at all.
247
00:09:57,509 --> 00:09:59,644
All right, nothing
to see here, everyone.
248
00:09:59,655 --> 00:10:01,792
- Maybe we should, uh, skedaddle.
- Yeah.
249
00:10:01,803 --> 00:10:03,883
- Whoops.
- You really got me.
250
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,062
- Oh.
- Sorry for the ruckus, Jimmy.
251
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:08,077
- [WOMAN] Not my name.
- We'll get this cleaned up
252
00:10:08,088 --> 00:10:09,788
and squared away in no time.
253
00:10:09,799 --> 00:10:11,827
I think she's calling the police.
254
00:10:11,838 --> 00:10:14,595
Why don't you hypnotize them,
Nandor? You're so fond of that.
255
00:10:14,606 --> 00:10:16,524
I don't think that will be necessary.
256
00:10:16,535 --> 00:10:18,659
Maybe you fellas should
apologize to Jimmy.
257
00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:20,003
- Not my name.
- [SEAN] Sorry, Jimmy.
258
00:10:20,014 --> 00:10:21,804
- And offer to pay for the window.
- Yo!
259
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:23,404
- Shit.
- Who the fuck's
260
00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,201
- this bonanza?
- Oh, go, go, go!
261
00:10:25,212 --> 00:10:27,868
- What's going on here, fellas?
- Officer, thank goodness.
262
00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:29,748
This window... it exploded,
263
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,428
and it nearly blew the
asses off these guys.
264
00:10:32,439 --> 00:10:35,408
- What guys?
- These guys. The, uh...
265
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,528
- Uh...
- You need some help?
266
00:10:37,538 --> 00:10:38,892
[NANDOR] No, I got this.
267
00:10:38,903 --> 00:10:41,275
There were these guys.
This much we know.
268
00:10:41,286 --> 00:10:43,591
But there was also this window,
269
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,248
- and the, uh...
- Mikey?
270
00:10:45,259 --> 00:10:48,389
- I...
- Oh, fuck off, Terry. It was an accident.
271
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,702
Whatever, Mikey. I'm filing a report.
272
00:10:50,713 --> 00:10:53,433
Hold on there. Do you two
fellas know each other?
273
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,988
Yeah, Terry, Seany,
274
00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:56,625
Frank and I... we all went
to high school together.
275
00:10:56,636 --> 00:10:59,873
Oh, so this is Terry?
These fellas... they speak
276
00:10:59,884 --> 00:11:01,099
very highly of you.
277
00:11:01,110 --> 00:11:05,184
- This guy? Get the fuck out of here.
- No. It's absolutely true.
278
00:11:05,195 --> 00:11:07,071
I've waited a long time
279
00:11:07,082 --> 00:11:10,037
to meet the world-famous
Terry from high school.
280
00:11:10,048 --> 00:11:12,195
And now I have, and
I'll tell you something.
281
00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:13,889
I'm not disappointed.
282
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:14,900
- For real?
- Oh, yes.
283
00:11:14,911 --> 00:11:17,134
- Shit. That's good.
- Just a bit of charm.
284
00:11:17,145 --> 00:11:18,319
And I'll wager
285
00:11:18,330 --> 00:11:20,465
not many constables could
think of a creative way out
286
00:11:20,498 --> 00:11:22,271
of this particular predicament,
287
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,536
and that's because they're not Terry.
288
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:27,472
[BOTH LAUGHING]
289
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,650
Sean, I don't know what
you're doing down there,
290
00:11:29,661 --> 00:11:31,497
but it doesn't look like a good idea.
291
00:11:31,508 --> 00:11:33,749
Hey, Terry, see you next fall.
292
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,242
- Come on, book it. Let's go.
- Shit.
293
00:11:35,253 --> 00:11:37,198
- All right.
- Eat shit and die, Terry.
294
00:11:37,209 --> 00:11:38,350
- [SIREN WAILING]
- [LAUGHING]
295
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,683
[NANDOR] Where did
you get those chains?
296
00:11:39,694 --> 00:11:41,516
- From the car.
- What car?
297
00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:42,533
- Right over here!
- Here.
298
00:11:42,544 --> 00:11:45,479
Get in, losers! We're going shopping!
299
00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:48,030
No, no, no, no, no, don't steal my car!
300
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,584
You stole my car back in school!
301
00:11:50,595 --> 00:11:52,139
You sold me that piece of shit!
302
00:11:52,150 --> 00:11:54,703
- Drive on, motherfuckers.
- [HORN HONKING]
303
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,369
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [SIREN WAILING]
304
00:11:57,535 --> 00:11:59,638
[HORN BLARING]
305
00:11:59,671 --> 00:12:02,173
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
306
00:12:02,381 --> 00:12:04,003
[SEAN] [OVER MEGAPHONE] Eat shit, Terry!
307
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:05,983
[LAUGHTER OVER MEGAPHONE]
308
00:12:10,339 --> 00:12:11,621
Am I needed for this bit,
309
00:12:11,632 --> 00:12:13,327
or can I just take a
nap while you do your...
310
00:12:13,338 --> 00:12:14,672
Shh! Honestly.
311
00:12:15,786 --> 00:12:16,872
It's this way?
312
00:12:16,883 --> 00:12:19,291
Is it this way? I'm listening.
313
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:20,725
No, no. Oh.
314
00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:22,460
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
315
00:12:22,587 --> 00:12:25,423
It's here. [GASPS LOUDLY, YELLS]
316
00:12:26,587 --> 00:12:27,853
[GASPS]
317
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,591
- Is this yours?
- No,
318
00:12:30,602 --> 00:12:32,904
but, no, I know this woman.
319
00:12:32,915 --> 00:12:35,691
This is Yiaya Neikia. In Antipaxos,
320
00:12:35,702 --> 00:12:37,737
this is a very bad-luck woman.
321
00:12:37,748 --> 00:12:39,652
A real shit-stirrer.
322
00:12:39,663 --> 00:12:42,286
How did this get here?
323
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:45,485
[BLOWS] That ought to do it.
324
00:12:45,496 --> 00:12:46,697
[GUIDE CLEARS THROAT]
325
00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:48,178
Oh, my.
326
00:12:49,332 --> 00:12:50,608
What?!
327
00:12:50,619 --> 00:12:53,401
- Oh.
- This shriveled bitch!
328
00:12:53,412 --> 00:12:55,306
[RIPPING PHOTO]
329
00:12:56,454 --> 00:12:58,931
Now that really ought to do it. [LAUGHS]
330
00:12:58,942 --> 00:13:00,839
Um...
331
00:13:01,836 --> 00:13:03,324
- Oh, my...
- [NADJA] What?!
332
00:13:03,335 --> 00:13:04,536
[PANTING]
333
00:13:06,830 --> 00:13:08,932
Ew-kay. [CHUCKLES]
334
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,418
This is a little bit
really bad, isn't it?
335
00:13:19,877 --> 00:13:21,419
[LAZLO] Didn't feel a thing.
336
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:23,315
[SEAN] Think I went out of bounds.
337
00:13:23,326 --> 00:13:25,639
- [COUGHING]
- Jesus.
338
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:26,825
[SEAN] Everybody good?
339
00:13:26,858 --> 00:13:29,494
- Holy shit.
- Hey, look, I didn't even spill my wine.
340
00:13:29,505 --> 00:13:32,808
- Nice.
- That was some GTA5 shit.
341
00:13:32,819 --> 00:13:34,834
Yo, yo, Mikey, Mikey,
you got a little cut.
342
00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:36,501
That's gonna be a good
scar in the morning.
343
00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:38,492
- Yeah. Go ahead.
- [LASZLO] Say, boys.
344
00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:40,026
I've got a great idea.
345
00:13:40,037 --> 00:13:42,807
What say we... call it a night?
346
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,543
[NANDOR] Laszlo makes a good
point. Maybe we should all just
347
00:13:45,577 --> 00:13:48,592
- go home and go to bed?
- [MIKEY] Oh! Look what I found!
348
00:13:48,603 --> 00:13:50,148
- Look what I found.
- ALL: Oh!
349
00:13:50,181 --> 00:13:52,720
- Nice!
- Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9.
350
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,051
This is Rubber Duck.
351
00:13:54,062 --> 00:13:55,782
- That's a good reference.
- Yeah.
352
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,191
- 10-4, yeah.
- [FRANK] That's nothing.
353
00:13:57,202 --> 00:13:58,411
Look what I found.
354
00:13:58,422 --> 00:13:59,722
- Whoa.
- [LAUGHS]
355
00:13:59,733 --> 00:14:01,248
[LASZLO] Why don't you
put that back in the car?
356
00:14:01,259 --> 00:14:02,341
[SEAN] Laz is right.
357
00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:04,225
We got to tell Terry about that.
358
00:14:04,236 --> 00:14:06,164
Cop's not supposed to lose his gun.
359
00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,308
It's real bad. I saw it in a movie once.
360
00:14:08,319 --> 00:14:09,923
Yeah, we should leave the gun,
361
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:12,909
- go home and go to bed.
- [SEAN] Empty the bullets, dipshit.
362
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,775
You know, that's a felony...
to have a loaded weapon?
363
00:14:14,786 --> 00:14:17,223
- [GUNSHOTS]
- [CLAMORING]
364
00:14:17,543 --> 00:14:19,636
- Very loud.
- What the fuck are you doing?
365
00:14:19,647 --> 00:14:21,160
You told me to get rid of the bullets.
366
00:14:21,171 --> 00:14:23,721
- I said, empty the clip!
- That's what I'm doing!
367
00:14:24,143 --> 00:14:26,654
- [SIREN WAILING]
- See? Now it's empty,
368
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,762
- idiot.
- [SEAN] Oh, shit. Terry snitched.
369
00:14:28,773 --> 00:14:30,740
- Oh. Shit.
- We got to hit the bricks.
370
00:14:30,751 --> 00:14:33,525
Go, go, go. Come on, boys, let's go!
371
00:14:33,558 --> 00:14:36,428
[SIREN WAILING]
372
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,129
You're not coming?
373
00:14:38,163 --> 00:14:40,090
Well, if you want to
be a coward, Nandor.
374
00:14:40,101 --> 00:14:41,787
- [COP] Freeze!
- [COP 2] Put your hands up.
375
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,691
- Hands where we can see them.
- Uh, no, not really. I just thought maybe
376
00:14:43,702 --> 00:14:45,115
it's what you wanted to do. Hi.
377
00:14:45,126 --> 00:14:46,433
- Shit. There's a lot of them.
- Stay there, stay there.
378
00:14:46,444 --> 00:14:48,292
- Evening.
- Evening, gentlemen.
379
00:14:48,303 --> 00:14:49,597
I'm sure you're wondering
380
00:14:49,608 --> 00:14:52,033
what are those two chaps
doing with one of our cars?
381
00:14:52,044 --> 00:14:53,801
Firstly, there were these guys.
382
00:14:53,812 --> 00:14:55,325
- Ah.
- This much we know.
383
00:14:55,336 --> 00:14:58,216
But, also, there was this window.
384
00:14:59,156 --> 00:15:00,495
Uh...
385
00:15:00,506 --> 00:15:02,911
- Nandor, would you mind if I dealt with this?
- Would you?
386
00:15:02,922 --> 00:15:04,631
Now, tell me something, fellas.
387
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:08,582
Is it true what they say
about Staten Island policemen?
388
00:15:08,593 --> 00:15:10,562
- [LOCK BUZZES]
- [DOOR CLANGS]
389
00:15:11,274 --> 00:15:14,104
- Well.
- Well.
390
00:15:14,691 --> 00:15:17,056
- You tried.
- Yup.
391
00:15:17,221 --> 00:15:19,237
Not one of my finest moments.
392
00:15:19,274 --> 00:15:20,811
I think this could be a situation
393
00:15:20,822 --> 00:15:22,540
where hypnosis is warranted.
394
00:15:23,013 --> 00:15:24,781
I think you're right.
395
00:15:25,369 --> 00:15:26,864
Go ahead.
396
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:29,903
No, well, you see,
there's a problem there.
397
00:15:29,914 --> 00:15:31,750
Um...
398
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:34,078
I'm not very good at hypnosis.
399
00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:37,748
- Sorry. I didn't catch that.
- I said, I'm not very good at hypnosis.
400
00:15:37,759 --> 00:15:40,949
I never have been good at it,
and I don't think I ever will be.
401
00:15:41,236 --> 00:15:43,248
- Nonsense.
- Well, it's not.
402
00:15:43,259 --> 00:15:46,362
I mean, I can hypnotize
Sean, but only with your help.
403
00:15:46,948 --> 00:15:48,916
And only 'cause his brain's fucked.
404
00:15:48,927 --> 00:15:52,757
I should also admit that I've
been envious of your skills,
405
00:15:52,768 --> 00:15:55,807
which I think is the reason
why I take the piss out of you.
406
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,349
Much as it pains me to say this,
407
00:15:58,484 --> 00:16:00,412
if anyone can get us out
of this situation, Nandor,
408
00:16:00,445 --> 00:16:02,283
I think it will be you.
409
00:16:03,453 --> 00:16:04,955
Okay, then.
410
00:16:05,133 --> 00:16:06,653
I will fix.
411
00:16:08,312 --> 00:16:09,974
Guards!
412
00:16:12,584 --> 00:16:16,492
[NADJA] So... I am hexed,
which... is not great.
413
00:16:16,503 --> 00:16:19,196
There is writing on the hex picture,
414
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:21,076
but I haven't read
the Antipaxon language
415
00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:22,588
in hundreds of years, so...
416
00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:24,269
[SPEAKING GREEK]
417
00:16:24,419 --> 00:16:25,987
[STAMMERING]
418
00:16:25,998 --> 00:16:28,509
I am a little bit rusty. [LAUGHS]
419
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,682
Could you maybe help
translate this picture
420
00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:33,166
- using your gray box?
- Sure.
421
00:16:33,177 --> 00:16:34,546
[NADJA] So I had to get Colin Robinson
422
00:16:34,579 --> 00:16:36,644
to help me translate
on his computer machine.
423
00:16:36,655 --> 00:16:39,807
And he told me something,
which, quite frankly,
424
00:16:39,818 --> 00:16:41,807
blew my mind apart.
425
00:16:41,818 --> 00:16:44,226
Or you could just walk
down to Little Antipaxos
426
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,360
and have someone translate it for you.
427
00:16:46,371 --> 00:16:49,796
Wh-Which? There is a
Little Antipaxos? What?
428
00:16:49,807 --> 00:16:53,231
Oh, yeah, not too far from here,
just above Little Italy.
429
00:16:53,264 --> 00:16:56,185
That's the great melting
pot of America for you.
430
00:16:56,196 --> 00:16:58,689
- The broad mosaic.
- No, no, shut up.
431
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,879
Are you saying there
is a Little Antipaxos
432
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,592
right here on Staten Island?
433
00:17:02,603 --> 00:17:06,833
It's only, like, a four-block-by-two-block
area, but it's there.
434
00:17:06,844 --> 00:17:07,859
[LAUGHS]
435
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:10,415
♪ ♪
436
00:17:10,448 --> 00:17:13,618
[SPEAKING GREEK]
437
00:17:14,435 --> 00:17:16,755
So much cheap crap and old fish.
438
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,902
It's like looking out the
window of my childhood home.
439
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:21,626
There is, in Staten Island,
440
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:25,005
a neighborhood known
as "Little Antipaxos"!
441
00:17:25,016 --> 00:17:26,065
[SPEAKING GREEK]
442
00:17:26,076 --> 00:17:27,705
It is where all the Antipaxons
443
00:17:27,716 --> 00:17:29,685
who come to America work and live
444
00:17:29,696 --> 00:17:30,991
and laugh and love.
445
00:17:31,002 --> 00:17:32,005
I'm Nadja.
446
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:34,785
[SPEAKS GREEK]
447
00:17:35,401 --> 00:17:36,948
Three for joy.
448
00:17:36,959 --> 00:17:39,332
Look! This is the beach of Voutoumi!
449
00:17:39,343 --> 00:17:42,376
I tried to lose my
virginity here so many times.
450
00:17:42,387 --> 00:17:44,322
Souvlaki. Stifado!
451
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,068
The food of my youth!
452
00:17:46,079 --> 00:17:47,978
Of course the Greeks stole it from us,
453
00:17:47,989 --> 00:17:49,196
and claimed it as their own,
454
00:17:49,207 --> 00:17:50,665
but the real heads know
455
00:17:50,676 --> 00:17:54,010
- that it originally came from Antipaxos.
- [BOTH SPEAK GREEK]
456
00:17:54,021 --> 00:17:57,222
I mean, it would be wrong
not to just try a little bit.
457
00:17:58,595 --> 00:17:59,622
Mmm.
458
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:02,749
[LOUD RETCHING]
459
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,996
[GURGLES, COUGHS]
460
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,244
So worth it.
461
00:18:06,255 --> 00:18:07,588
You can still sell that, I think.
462
00:18:07,599 --> 00:18:08,666
[LAUGHS] Thank you.
463
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,129
Oh, this place. [SNIFFS]
464
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:14,382
- [GRUNTS]
- How fucking long have we lived here,
465
00:18:14,392 --> 00:18:15,770
and you never thought to tell me
466
00:18:15,781 --> 00:18:17,631
there was a Little
Antipaxos neighborhood,
467
00:18:17,642 --> 00:18:19,477
like, half a mile from our house?!
468
00:18:19,488 --> 00:18:20,656
You never asked.
469
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,353
[SPEAKS GREEK]
470
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,230
Oh, look.
471
00:18:25,241 --> 00:18:28,395
A shitty diner just like
my theía used to run.
472
00:18:28,406 --> 00:18:29,928
Come on.
473
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,366
[WOMAN SPEAKING GREEK]
474
00:18:32,883 --> 00:18:35,947
[LAUGHTER]
475
00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:39,865
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SPEAKING GREEK]
476
00:18:39,876 --> 00:18:41,578
What did he say? What did he say?
477
00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:43,858
It is an Antipaxon thing.
478
00:18:43,869 --> 00:18:47,807
[SPEAKING GREEK]
479
00:18:48,641 --> 00:18:51,021
- What does the writing say?
- Oh, um,
480
00:18:51,032 --> 00:18:53,548
she says it says, "A simple act
481
00:18:53,559 --> 00:18:56,262
"of kindness, compassion and friendship
482
00:18:56,273 --> 00:18:59,510
will remove the hexes that
is on top of your head."
483
00:18:59,521 --> 00:19:00,814
[SPEAKING GREEK]
484
00:19:00,844 --> 00:19:03,096
Starting now, this a new me.
485
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:06,611
Kind, welcoming, inclusive, sensitive
486
00:19:06,622 --> 00:19:08,261
to the feelings of others.
487
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,574
[LAUGHTER]
488
00:19:09,707 --> 00:19:10,975
What, what?
489
00:19:10,986 --> 00:19:12,279
Oh, it's very complicated.
490
00:19:12,290 --> 00:19:14,022
I-I don't think you can understand.
491
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:16,102
[NADJA LAUGHS]
492
00:19:16,961 --> 00:19:19,530
[OWL HOOTING]
493
00:19:19,541 --> 00:19:24,179
No, I cannot say I have
heard of this before.
494
00:19:24,268 --> 00:19:26,933
- This fellow you speak of.
- Derek. Derek's friend.
495
00:19:26,944 --> 00:19:28,035
- [DEREK] Uh, you wouldn't have met him.
- Yeah,
496
00:19:28,046 --> 00:19:30,257
- because he lives in Canada.
- Yes.
497
00:19:30,268 --> 00:19:34,858
Ah. So, he was turned into a vampire
498
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:38,499
by a vampire, but does not yet seem
499
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,645
to be a vampire?
500
00:19:40,656 --> 00:19:42,198
Yeah, that's about the size of it, yeah.
501
00:19:42,209 --> 00:19:44,184
But, um, does that happen?
502
00:19:44,195 --> 00:19:45,539
Uh... uh...
503
00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:48,386
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
504
00:19:52,450 --> 00:19:54,318
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
505
00:19:58,229 --> 00:19:59,953
Neither of us have ever
heard of such a thing.
506
00:19:59,964 --> 00:20:01,641
- Mm.
- Mm. Okay.
507
00:20:01,652 --> 00:20:03,287
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
508
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:10,127
Oh. Could work, I suppose.
509
00:20:10,138 --> 00:20:11,773
- What could work?
- He says maybe
510
00:20:11,784 --> 00:20:15,711
repeat the turning process
with a different vampire.
511
00:20:15,722 --> 00:20:19,273
Of course, that could make
your friend a vampire-and-a-half
512
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:20,687
or a double vampire,
513
00:20:20,698 --> 00:20:22,762
but who gives a shit?
I don't know this freak.
514
00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:25,858
[LAUGHTER]
515
00:20:25,869 --> 00:20:28,672
Let us see what happens when
you turn a vampire twice.
516
00:20:28,959 --> 00:20:31,073
Jonathan is my neighbor.
517
00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:33,253
He used to run his leaf blower
518
00:20:33,264 --> 00:20:35,700
all the day long while
I was trying to sleep.
519
00:20:35,711 --> 00:20:38,190
So, I turned him into a
vampire, and now we're all good.
520
00:20:38,201 --> 00:20:40,134
- My Liege.
- Oh.
521
00:20:40,145 --> 00:20:44,835
How sweet. Arise,
Jonathan. We need your help.
522
00:20:44,846 --> 00:20:48,349
- Your wish is my command, My Liege.
- Oh. Boop.
523
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:53,874
Okay, so since I
already turned Jonathan,
524
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:56,455
I guess, uh... Yes, Derek, is it?
525
00:20:56,474 --> 00:20:57,875
- Uh, yes, sir.
- Right.
526
00:20:57,886 --> 00:21:01,587
Bite Jonathan and drink
some of his blood. Mm.
527
00:21:01,598 --> 00:21:04,869
- Okay, um... Hi. Uh, Derek.
- Mm. Mm.
528
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,439
- Just gonna...
- Very good.
529
00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:12,259
Now Jonathan, have a
taste of Derek's blood.
530
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:16,221
- Ah, okay.
- [SUCKING]
531
00:21:16,232 --> 00:21:18,101
Very nice. Thank you, gentlemen.
532
00:21:18,112 --> 00:21:21,595
So... did it work?
533
00:21:21,606 --> 00:21:24,304
Ah, how are you feeling, Jonathan?
534
00:21:24,315 --> 00:21:26,106
- Uh, I feel fine.
- Ah.
535
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:28,188
I'm a little aggravated
because the motor
536
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,001
in this here edge
trimmer keeps conking...
537
00:21:34,191 --> 00:21:38,229
So, at least now we know
one way that does not work.
538
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:40,064
[DEREK] Huh.
539
00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:48,036
[SEAN] They really just gonna
let us walk out of here?
540
00:21:48,047 --> 00:21:50,373
How'd you pull that one off, Laz?
541
00:21:50,384 --> 00:21:53,295
Actually, Sean, it was I who, um...
542
00:21:53,528 --> 00:21:56,667
At ease. It was I who convinced
543
00:21:56,678 --> 00:21:59,017
your good friend Laszlo
544
00:21:59,028 --> 00:22:01,612
to, uh, use his notorious charm.
545
00:22:01,623 --> 00:22:02,855
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
546
00:22:02,866 --> 00:22:04,287
Between us, Nandor,
547
00:22:04,298 --> 00:22:06,564
what did you say to them back there?
548
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:09,583
I just said that we had
solved all the crimes
549
00:22:09,594 --> 00:22:12,198
that Sean and his pals had committed.
550
00:22:12,209 --> 00:22:14,602
And, also, I got them
to give their friend Terry
551
00:22:14,613 --> 00:22:16,617
- a little promotion.
- Oh, really? Great.
552
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:19,332
And, just for funsies, I told them
553
00:22:19,343 --> 00:22:22,012
that I was Captain Sully Sullenberger,
554
00:22:22,023 --> 00:22:25,205
and you were the gentleman
with the moustache
555
00:22:25,216 --> 00:22:27,045
in that cop show that you like.
556
00:22:27,056 --> 00:22:28,640
Thomas Selleck in Blue Bloods?
557
00:22:28,651 --> 00:22:30,153
- That's it!
- Good move.
558
00:22:30,164 --> 00:22:31,884
- Look. There's Terry.
- [NANDOR] Hi, Terry.
559
00:22:31,895 --> 00:22:35,019
- Terry! Captain Dumbfuck.
- [LASZLO] Well done, Nandor.
560
00:22:35,053 --> 00:22:37,304
[SEAN] Reporting for duty. [SNORTS]
561
00:22:37,315 --> 00:22:39,751
[COLIN] I think I'll
just have the tak...
562
00:22:39,762 --> 00:22:41,867
- Tak... tak...
- Tzat... tzatziki.
563
00:22:41,878 --> 00:22:43,553
- I'll get it. Tack...
- Tzat...
564
00:22:43,564 --> 00:22:47,869
Tacky. Tacky. Uh, but
without the, uh, yogurt.
565
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,384
[SIRENS CHIRPING]
566
00:22:52,055 --> 00:22:54,024
[TIRES SCREECHING]
567
00:22:55,567 --> 00:23:00,572
Halt!
568
00:23:00,745 --> 00:23:02,247
That was great.
569
00:23:05,015 --> 00:23:06,917
[CLEARS THROAT]
570
00:23:07,249 --> 00:23:08,584
At ease.
571
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,116
- At ease. At ease.
- Ah. There he is.
572
00:23:12,127 --> 00:23:13,358
At ease.
573
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:15,160
- At ease. At ease.
- Hold on.
574
00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:16,451
No, no, no, I'm with
them. I'm with them.
575
00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:18,229
Gizmo, I need a word with you.
576
00:23:18,424 --> 00:23:19,899
- Okay.
- Coppers, fuck off.
577
00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:22,179
Yes, sir! Thank you, Mr. Selleck!
578
00:23:22,190 --> 00:23:24,408
I think it's about time you came clean.
579
00:23:24,995 --> 00:23:28,003
- About what?
- Well, the others aren't as observant as I am.
580
00:23:28,014 --> 00:23:29,849
But you've been off recently.
581
00:23:29,967 --> 00:23:31,335
And I've been watching you.
582
00:23:32,677 --> 00:23:34,245
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
583
00:23:34,397 --> 00:23:36,648
I think we got a bit
of a problem, Gizmo.
584
00:23:36,898 --> 00:23:38,625
The longer you keep it a secret,
585
00:23:38,636 --> 00:23:40,709
it's gonna remain a problem.
586
00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:43,747
I felt like I had no other choice, okay?
587
00:23:44,696 --> 00:23:46,386
I mean, Nandor's been
promising to make me a vampire
588
00:23:46,397 --> 00:23:48,148
for 12 years, and it's
never come true, all right?
589
00:23:48,159 --> 00:23:50,495
So, like, Derek, he was
right there, he's a vampire,
590
00:23:50,506 --> 00:23:51,767
- so of course I was gonna take... Yeah.
- Whoa, whoa.
591
00:23:51,778 --> 00:23:54,121
I asked Derek to make me into
a vampire, but I regretted it
592
00:23:54,132 --> 00:23:56,470
- the second it happened because...
- What the fuck?
593
00:23:57,003 --> 00:23:58,903
- I thought you said you figured it out.
- No!
594
00:23:58,914 --> 00:24:00,843
I just thought you had the shits.
595
00:24:00,854 --> 00:24:03,430
I was gonna tell you to steer
clear of the breakfast burritos.
596
00:24:03,441 --> 00:24:05,577
Too much of the chilaquiles.
597
00:24:05,841 --> 00:24:07,865
You let someone, who isn't your master,
598
00:24:07,876 --> 00:24:09,482
turn you into a vampire?
599
00:24:09,547 --> 00:24:11,828
- You fucking idiot.
- I know, okay, I know.
600
00:24:11,839 --> 00:24:13,674
And it seems to be taking
forever to take full effect.
601
00:24:13,685 --> 00:24:16,410
And I don't know what to do, okay?
So please, please don't tell Nandor.
602
00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:17,989
Tell Nandor?
603
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,226
This is the greatest
humiliation for any vampire.
604
00:24:21,652 --> 00:24:24,007
I don't know if he
would even survive it.
605
00:24:27,076 --> 00:24:28,512
All right, I've got an idea.
606
00:24:28,523 --> 00:24:30,235
But you've got to do
exactly what I tell you.
607
00:24:30,268 --> 00:24:32,049
Okay, yes, of course.
608
00:24:32,060 --> 00:24:33,768
Despite the fact that
you've already been bitten
609
00:24:33,779 --> 00:24:36,176
by a vampire, I could persuade
610
00:24:36,187 --> 00:24:38,358
Nandor to bite you again.
611
00:24:38,476 --> 00:24:40,611
No one'd be any the wiser.
612
00:24:43,207 --> 00:24:44,597
I don't think that's gonna work.
613
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:46,013
You don't?
614
00:24:46,718 --> 00:24:48,653
Well, then you're fucked.
615
00:24:49,316 --> 00:24:50,545
["HEY! [I'M DEAD]" by
Jank Sinatra playing]
616
00:24:50,556 --> 00:24:53,547
♪ I just went to a funeral ♪
617
00:24:54,086 --> 00:24:57,126
♪ I just said my goodbyes ♪
618
00:24:57,596 --> 00:25:00,498
♪ I just felt the cold hand of death ♪
619
00:25:00,846 --> 00:25:03,668
♪ Pass before my eyes ♪
620
00:25:04,616 --> 00:25:06,252
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
621
00:25:06,263 --> 00:25:09,107
- ♪ Yeah, he's dead ♪
- ♪ He is dead ♪
622
00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:11,009
♪ He's dead, Granny ♪
623
00:25:11,042 --> 00:25:12,644
- ♪ He's dead ♪
- ♪ Dead ♪
624
00:25:12,677 --> 00:25:14,263
- ♪ He's dead now ♪
- ♪ Oh, he's dead ♪
625
00:25:14,274 --> 00:25:16,376
♪ I'm in the oxygen you breathe ♪
626
00:25:16,548 --> 00:25:19,384
♪ And I'm in the
cayenne on your sleeve ♪
627
00:25:19,417 --> 00:25:22,053
♪ I'm on the outside and the inside ♪
628
00:25:22,064 --> 00:25:24,200
♪ At the same time ♪
629
00:25:24,534 --> 00:25:27,092
♪ I'm in the sunshine on your face ♪
630
00:25:27,103 --> 00:25:29,744
♪ I'm in a very funky place ♪
631
00:25:29,755 --> 00:25:33,912
♪ I'm in a dead dog's brain,
rotting on the highway line ♪
632
00:25:33,967 --> 00:25:35,400
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪
633
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:37,252
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
634
00:25:37,603 --> 00:25:42,603
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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