All language subtitles for Toast of London S01E05 1080p WEB H265-PXD

Up periscope.

Down periscope.

Hi, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.

- What, the work experience boy?
- Yeah, can you hear me, Steven?

Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Where's that other prick?

Danny? He's DJing
at a music festival this weekend.

Yeah, just to be clear,

so these'll be heard
on every submarine in the Royal Navy?

Yeah, they're just automating
and digitising everything, you know.

The commander presses a button,

and the recording of your voice
will be heard...

Yeah, I'm not interested in all that.
Can we just crack on?

Fire the nuclear weapons!

Steven, that was good,

but do you think
you could give it another try,

this time say it
in a less alarming way?

Less alarming?

I've just given the order
to fire the nuclear weapons.

I've just unleashed Armageddon!

Yes, but the feeling here
is that you could do it in a way

which is a little less dramatic.

It's just a little bit over the top
at the moment. Have fun with it.

Fire the nuclear weapons!

That was a little bit too far
the other way, a bit too, um... jolly.

You know, why don't you
just try it a few more times?

Fire the nuclear weapons!

Fire the nuclear weapons!

Fire... the nuclear weapons!

Fire the nuclear weapons!

Fire the nuclear weapons!

Yeah!
Ripped By mstoll

Do you want to move on to the next one,
Steven? You can come back to that later.

Abandon the vessel immediately.

So, they put the lot of them out in the
field and they started eating grass.

Sorry, Ed, I don't understand.
You don't eat grass, you smoke it.

Not if you're a cow.

Oh! Sorry. I thought you were talking
about the Rolling Stones.

No.

Day off, Toast?

Yes. I'm meeting Portia de Coogan.

- The nurse?
- Yeah.

Strange career choice for the daughter
of Lord Fotheringham.

- Who's he?
- He's very close to Cameron.

Looks in line for a top job
at the next Cabinet reshuffle.

He's come a long way since being
a producer at Radio 1 in the '70s.

Portia's definitely my type. We have
exactly the same sense of humour.

I told her a joke last week.
She found it extremely amusing!

Did she laugh heartily?

No. She doesn't show
any external signs of enjoyment.

But I know she finds me very funny
and great company.

# She was a girl of the forest

♪ A virgin, they say... ♪

Whoa, Ed! That's really loud!

How do you think lain Duncan Smith
is doing at Work and Pensions?

Sorry, Toast. I shouldn't talk politics
at the breakfast table.

You know, I met Thatcher once,
at Lionel Blair's house.

Surprised to see her drink
Heineken from a can.

You know, when I started courting my wife,
she used to dress up as Mrs Thatcher.

The blue twinset.

Slowly undoing her buttons to reveal...

no-nonsense M&S underwear.

Yours truly relishing the role
of the blimpish Denis...

...obeying her every command.

Ever interested
in anything like that, Toast?

- Powerful women?
- Mm.

Maybe in uniform?

You all right, Toast?

Sorry, Ed. I must have drifted off there.

Toast, I'm a little uncomfortable here.

I don't think I should be
wearing my nurse's uniform.

- But you're a nurse.
- Yes, but...

And you've just come off the night shift.

I should have gone home and changed.

No. That would have been
a massive waste of time.

Look, we'll have a couple of drinks here
then maybe go and see a film.

How about a comedy? I love to laugh.

Toast, I've been meaning to talk to you.

- You're talking to me now.
- Yes.

It's about the sense of humour issue.

I have a terrific sense of humour.
It's just very dry.

Often mistaken for having
no sense of humour at all,

much like Mandelson,
or Nigel Mansell.

- Who?
- Same as my father before me.

And my aunts. You know, my family
were known as the dry Toasts.

Really?

Ellen, my soon to be ex-wife,

thought I literally couldn't see the funny
side of anything. She's quite wrong.

It's just very, very dry.

I think it's about time you met my father.

He has the most wonderful
sense of humour,

and it's very important
that you laugh at his jokes.

But you may not be able to tell
what is a joke and what isn't.

Well, maybe if you tell me
what his jokes were beforehand,

then I'd know when to laugh.

Well, Father doesn't write actual
jokes for his conversations.

He tends to be more spontaneous.

He just may make, for example,

well, an off-the-cuff remark
about Boris Johnson,

- and you'll have to laugh at it.
- OK.

So, he mentions Boris Johnson

- and I'll laugh.
- No.

But he may mention Boris Johnson
not in the context of a joke.

Well, how's that possible?

Listen.

I have a friend of a friend.

He's a stand-up comedian

- called Russell House.
- Oh.

In order for us to keep seeing each other,
you need to be a little funnier.

I asked Russell to e-mail me
some funny lines

and amusing quips that you could try out.

"I'm going up to Edinburgh next
month. I've been so busy.

"But I think
there's some good stuff here."

Yeah, I could try something like that.

Anything with a Scots reference
is usually quite funny.

No, no, that's just the first line
of the e-mail to me.

That's not a joke.

- Did you think that was a joke?
- No.

- Toast.
- Dubbing request just in.

Bloody hell, Jane! It's my day off!

They just need you to do some more
voice-overs for the nuclear submarine.

I thought I'd finished all that
"up periscope, down periscope" jazz.

They just need a few additions.

They are paying you
handsomely for this, Toast.

It's the Ministry of Defence.

Cobra, to be precise.

One doesn't say no to Cobra.

Well, how long will I be there?

Oh, they're complete perfectionists,
the Royal Navy.

I'd say about... three-and-a-half hours.

Oh, God.

Yes, please.

Bloody hell.

Stay where you are, Portia de Coogan.
I'll be right back.

- Well, how long will you be?
- Three-and-a-half hours.

OK, Steven, thanks for coming in at such
a short notice. Really appreciate it.

You ready to go? In your own time.

Disem...

... bark.

- Sorry, I'll do that again.
- No, that's fine.

What?

That's fine, Steven. You got it in one.

I coughed halfway through it.

Did... didn't notice anything. I...

That's perfect, Steven. We've got all the
voice-overs. Now you're free to go.

What, so that's it?

They told me I'd be here
for three-and-a-half hours.

I broke into a romantic date for this.

I could be in the cinema
laughing my arse off!

Well, you're free now, Steven.
That's all we need.

Yeah? Well, fuck you three!

Steven!

Blair, what the hell are you doing here?
Is that a new hand?

Oh, yes. Usual one's getting fixed.

Toby told me you were doing
more voice-overs for the submarine.

Called the studio.
They said you'd be here.

What's that got to do with you?
And who the hell is Toby?

Do you mean the vice commander
of the sub, second in charge?

The Navy is his whole life.

He's the complete opposite of the kind of
pinko long-hairs you run with.

He's immensely proud of this submarine.
She's been completely refurbished.

Almost everything is run by computers.

The only thing they physically have to do

is put out the rubbish
when they dock in port.

- So, who's the new commander?
- What?

Who's the new commander?

I'm Commander Susan Scott-Gorham.
Is one of you gentlemen Steven Toast?

I am the Steven Toast that you require.
This is my brother Blair.

Well, I wanted to let you know

how much we appreciate
your voice-over work on this.

Well, it's very good of you to come.

We're all very proud of our newly
refurbished submarine, the Penetrator.

Penetrator? Mm, that's a great name.

Surprised it hasn't been taken already.

In Equity, there was another actor
called Steven Toast,

so he had to change his name
to Chris Bread.

Crisp Bread?

No, Chris Bread.

Should have been you who changed
your name. The disgrace!

A Toast in the acting game.

You must come to the relaunch.
It's tomorrow afternoon.

Steven is in a play here in London.

- I'm afraid he won't be able to.
- I'd love to.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be
in attendance. Do you know them?

I'm afraid I don't know
any of the minor royals.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are
Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Oh, yes. By... by minor royals,
I meant royals that aren't the Queen.

Well, I hope you both can come.
Good day, gentlemen.

Can you believe someone like that
is commanding a royal submarine?

You know, a strumpet like that
can just waltz in, get the top job.

It's your lot at the Guardian.

Political correctness
gone off the bloody scale!

She seems perfectly capable to me.

A girl in charge of our nuclear sub?

Might as well hand it over

- to the Monty Python team!
- Who?

Oh, I haven't got time to sit here talking
nonsense with you in this bugger house!

I'm off!

Oh, God.

You'd forgotten your hat.

Shit.

Ah, there she is.

Oh, God.

Cocoa time.

- Yeah, just put it there.
- Ah.

Letter came for you.
I put it downstairs on the table.

Yes, I got it. Nice royalty cheque from
that TV miniseries I did a few years ago.

- Which?
- The prequel to Brideshead Revisited.

- Oh, yes. What was that called?
- Brideshead.

- Of course.
- So...

how are you getting on with Portia?

She wants me to meet her father.

Apparently the old bugger's
got some fondness for jokes

and Portia's very keen
that I'm amusing in his company.

- So, you need some jokes, do you?
- Not jokes as such.

Well, maybe little things to say

- so that people think you're fun.
- Well, such as?

You know, simple phrases taxi drivers use.

Like, "I believe you, thousands wouldn't."

Um..."What can I do you for?" as opposed
to "What can I do for you?"

- No.
- Don't give up the day job.

- That's very useful when you...
- No, Ed.

They're not jokes as such.
They're just little things to say.

Yes, probably fine in the hands of taxi
drivers or Cockneys or even Geordies.

But if I was to say anything like that,
people would think I was fucking crackers.

Or maybe you could try something like,

when somebody says to you,
"Didn't I see you on telly last night?"

You say, "I hope it wasn't Crimewatch."

I don't get it.

When someone says, "Didn't I see you
on telly last night?"

And then you say, "I hope it wasn't
Crimewatch UK", and they say...

No, just Crimewatch.
The UK ruins it cos the rhythm...

Yeah, don't waste your time, Ed.
It's not gonna work.

Sleep well, Toast.

# Help me step out of my life

# Leave behind my troubles

# Fear and strife

# Would you take me far away with you

# In your uniform so smart and new?

# We could sail the seven seas

# Hand in hand
we could march victoriously

# I would always feel so safe with you

♪ In your uniform so smart and new... ♪

Have you actually seen the royal couple?

- William and Kate?
- Mm.

Yes, I was just chatting to them.

It transpires that none of us
has ever had to change a duvet cover.

Ah! Ha!

Well, of course,
Toby is related to the happy couple.

On the, er... right side, I should add.

- My father is the Queen's fifth cousin.
- Wonderful.

Drink, Toby?

No, I'm sorry to be frightfully boring,
but, er... still on duty. Better not.

Yeah, yeah, course, course.

Anyone seen the commander around?

Actually I haven't seen her today, no.

Excuse me a few moments.
I have some things to take care of.

Yes, yes, of course.

Why the hell did you mention
that bloody woman?

Must be killing him that a tart like her

should be in charge of this
magnificent vessel.

Of course, if he was an Afro-Caribbean
lesbian running the Notting Hill Carnival,

he'd be in charge
of the entire bloody Navy by now.

Do you know, I've never
been on a submarine before?

I might go for a bit of a wander.
Might bump into the commander.

Don't stray into any unauthorised areas.

- Ooh.
- Toast!

I'm surprised to see you here.

I did the voice-over
for the submarine, remember.

Oh, yes. Well, this is my father,
Lord Fotheringham.

Father, this is Steven Toast!

Sorry?

- What's that?
- It's just a low grumble.

Ah. Er... it's nice to meet you at last.

Er... Portia tells me you have
a terrific sense of humour.

Much like myself.

What are you doing
in an unauthorised area?

Hm. Well, I might ask you

the same question.

I'm the Minister of Defence.

- Really?
- There was a reshuffle this morning.

Is Duncan Smith
still at Work and Pensions?

How about Boris Johnson for the top job?

I said, Boris Johnson.

I have to leave now.

Yes. Father is giving a speech.
Are you coming?

Is that the commander's hat?

Er... yes, she must have dropped it.
She's around here somewhere.

What the hell are you up to, Toast?

Steven?

Oh! Oh. You haven't seen
the commander, have you?

I wonder, could I have a quick word?
Something I want to talk to you about.

Won't take a second. This way.

- Care for a brandy?
- A brandy? Er... yes, please.

You're not having one yourself?

- Still on duty.
- Oh, of course.

- Bottoms up!
- So...

Blair tells me you're in show business.

Well, yes, I'm an actor.

Well, the Navy must
seem frightfully stuffy

for someone who's used to hanging around
with people like... Benedict Cumberbatch.

- Who?
- Listen.

There aren't too many people in the Navy
I'd be able to discuss this with,

but someone in your field
may be a tad more... understanding.

- Fire away.
- Well...

one night, about a month ago,

I was driving from Portsmouth
to Cowes, along a back road,

when I saw a strange light in the sky...

Right.

...and I began to realise
that it was some sort of craft...

...and then a door in the side of
the craft suddenly opened

and strange alien-like creatures
began to emerge.

Well, at that point I suddenly passed out,

and the next thing I remember was waking
up with the distinct impression

that the aliens had inserted
some sort of anal probe...

I was also left with the conviction

that they expected me
to carry out some sort of task.

They wanted me to launch a nuclear attack
against the United States of America.

Could I have another brandy?

Do.

Forgive me for talking about this, Toast.

I've only revealed it to you
because you're an actor.

Imagine trying to explain this
to the Minister of Defence.

Especially the new one.

- Fotheringham?
- Yes.

Although I don't think
he'll be around for too long.

Very strong rumours about that he's going
to be arrested for misdemeanours...

... at the BBC.

- Really?
- The aliens chose me

because I have access to nuclear weapons
on this submarine.

So, you plan to go through
with this attack?

Oh, yes.

The commander has the special codes that
need to be activated to launch an attack,

so I've tied her up
and stuck her in the hold.

All I need to do is persuade her
to hand them over.

Maybe you could help me with that as well.

Look, if I'm honest, I think you are...

You will help, won't you, Steven?

Yes!

All right, Commander,
I'm sorry to have to break rank like this,

but I need to have those codes.

Sorry, just before you do that,
could I just...

Are you in on this too?

We're all in on this - me,
Vice Commander Hopkinson-Finch

and the aliens from the planet
A-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Have they been in contact
with you as well?

What?

Look, just give him the codes.
I've got to be at the theatre at 7.30.

I need a direct order
from the Prime Minister!

Oh, the aliens have been
in touch with the Prime Minister.

I'm expecting a phone call any minute.
Just give me the codes.

Look, you give me the codes
and I'll write them down.

OK, er...

6. 14.

- Um...
- Ooh! I don't have a pen.

No, um...

Help!

Ooh!

Help!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
official relaunch of the Penetrator.

It gives me great pleasure on my very
first day as Defence Minister

to launch this
magnificently refurbished vessel.

Help!

I don't suppose you fancy going
for a drink some time, do you?

Up periscope.

Down periscope.

Launch the nuclear weapons.

- Abandon the vessel.
- Sorry.

Help!

The rubbish has been unloaded.

Afternoon tea is being served.

Please keep your belongings
with you at all times.

Remember to wash your hands
after handling the torpedoes.

Disem...

...bark.

OK.

I assured the Prime Minister
that I would not be all at sea.

Ooh!

But I've come an awfully long way since
those pioneering days at BBC Radio 1.

At that time,

I was...

...mainly concerned with airwaves,

not the kind of waves
that we're surrounded by today.

Ha!

Yes.

40 years ago...

...how society has changed.

But one thing remains unchanged.

The commitment of the Government to
the men and women of the Royal Navy,

who do such a valuable job

as Britain faces the challenges
of an uncertain and dangerous world.

- Lord Fotheringham?
- Yes?

We need you to come
to the station with us.

There have been some complaints
from female staff at the BBC

dating back to the 1970s.

The 1970s?

That's ages ago.

What are you standing around for?

There's a crazed alien nut job in there,
waving a piece at the commander!

Officers! I've managed
to overpower the vice commander

and he's under lock and key in the hold.

- Sorry? What's this about?
- The vice commander.

He was threatening to take over
the vessel and launch a nuclear strike.

Don't know anything about that,
I'm afraid.

Oi!

You don't have to chase him too, Toast!

I'm not chasing him!
I have to be at the theatre at 7.30.

- Good God, Toast!
- Your brother...

...wants to meet me for a drink.

You know, he really was
quite impressive back there.

Well, perhaps he's considering
a career in the services,

even if it is only the Navy.

Well, his acting,

when he pretended to play along
with the vice commander's wishes,

was highly effective.

He's clearly a very capable performer.

As long as he stays away from comedy.
He has absolutely no sense of humour.

Well, funny you should say that.

Did you know our family
were known as the dry Toasts?

- Yes, I do know that.
- Right.

Well, I suppose the services' loss
is the theatre's gain.

Get off!

Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!

Disgrace! Disgrace!
Disgrace! Disgrace! Disgrace!

You should be ashamed of yourself!
Ripped By mstoll