All language subtitles for The New Adventures of Old Christine S02E22 Frasier

You're thinking
about New Christine?

We're on a break, it's fine.

Besides I'm not talking
about this with you.

Why?

Because you're my ex-wife.

I'm also your friend.

You're not my friend.

Yeah, Christine, she was home.

She was home cooking
another man dinner.

By the phone?

Damn it!
Why did I listen to you?

We're not on a break.
We're broken up.

Richard...

buddy...

what can I do to make
you feel better?

- Want to make me feel better?
- I do. What do you want, pal?

I want sex.

With who?

You, pal.

So, anything interesting
happening at school today?

We're going to look at slides of
skin cells under a real microscope.

What are you doing
at med school?

Oh, me and my lab partner,
Larry, are building a ramp,

we're going to jump
my bike over it.

Hey, sweetie pie,
daddy's going to be here any second.

Go get your stuff ready, okay?

- Okay, Mom.
- Okay.

Mmm, ga...
what are you guys eating?

Ooh, that smells disgusting.

It's eggs. You want some?

Yeah, a little.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, can you pick up
Ritchie after school today?

New Christine called and she
wants to come over to talk.

Oh, yeah? You think you guys
are going to get back together?

I don't know. I hope so.

I hate being broken up.

It's so sad and lonely.
I feel like such a loser.

I don't know how you do it.

Just takes a little courage.

Oh, by the way, Matthew...
we're out of courage.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, there he is.
You ready for school?

Yeah. We're gonna look at skin
cells under a microscope.

At my job, we hid a bunch of
barbeque ribs in the wall,

we're going to freak
out the electrician.

Cool.

Come on.

Hey, good luck with
New Christine.

- Bye, lovey-dovey.
- Bye, Mom.

So, what's the deal
with you and Richard?

What deal? We're fine.

You slept together a week ago.

So?

So, it should be awkward.
You should be stuttering

and sweating and
avoiding eye contact.

Why? It's just sex.

You're in, you're out.

It's a simple transaction.

God, it's like you're
buying a sofa.

A filthy, used sofa.

You know what, it doesn't count with
me and Richard, 'cause we were married,

and we weren't involved with
anyone else at the time.

It's a victimless crime.
No consequences.

No, sex always
has consequences.

Either someone falls in love,
or someone gets hurt,

or someone convinces themself there
was more there than there really was.

- Oh, she didn't call you yet, huh?
- No! And I left her a thousand messages.

Can you get these dishes away?
This... oh, God, this stuff stinks.

What's going on with you, huh?

I don't know. My sense of smell
is really heightened lately.

I haven't been this sensitive
since I was pregnant.

Consequences?

You've got to be
freakin' kidding me.

I cannot be pregnant.
I'm only two pounds away

from losing the
baby-weight from Ritchie.

I need one of those early detection
tests. Do you see one of those?

Well, I'm seeing a whole
lot of creams and...

hey, look,
a douche bag's a real thing.

No, I need one of those tests you can
take before you missed your period.

Wait, you're not even late?

What are we doing here?

And how did my
calendar get off?

I don't have to be late, okay?

I know my body and it's
telling me I'm pregnant:

I'm sensitive to smells,
I'm exhausted,

and do you have any idea
what my boobs feel like?

I wish I could say no.

Hey, I got your message.
Came as soon as I could.

What? I didn't call you.

I did. I'm sorry.
I need a break.

I mean, I've been there for
you through your divorce,

two juice fasts, "The Cleanse",

the week when you thought Jon Stewart
was calling you and hanging up.

Hey, it said "private caller,"

and he's a very private man.

- It's time to pass the torch.
- So what's the problem?

She thinks she's pregnant.
Her symptoms include:

general swelling,
fatigue, nausea,

- heightened sense of smell.
- Tell her about my nipples.

And if you need me,
I'll be in the assisted suicide aisle.

Oh, God, Barb,
I don't know what I'm going to do.

I didn't plan on
having another baby.

I was finally
getting my life back.

Were you?

No.

Look, before you go crazy,

why don't you take a test and
find out if you're pregnant?

No, I can't take it yet.

Even with these early detection tests,
you have to wait a couple of days.

And I just hate not knowing.

I'm going to have
to tell Richard.

Why don't you wait
until you know for sure?

Because this is torture.

Why does he get to go all about his
dopey way, all satisfied and relaxed

while I'm miserable,
and flatulent and sober?

And plus,
you might be pregnant.

I don't see anything
under that name.

Are you sure your doctor didn't
send it to another pharmacy?

Yes, I'm sure. I've been coming
here since I was like 11.

Where's the little Chinese
guy who usually works here?

Hey, Phon?

Phon?

His name is John.
And he's on break.

Well, find him.

It's my anti-anxiety
medication.

You don't say.

Oh, great.

Oh, look who's here.

Oh, good, you work here now.
Could you find Phon?

Wait, what is that?

That's not a pregnancy test?
Are you pregnant?

- Oh, well, I...
- Of course she's not pregnant.

- That's impossible.
- No, remember that woman on Oprah

who gave birth to those
twins when she was 60?

And I got a Google Alert about
a parrot who gave birth at 90.

Really?

Well, actually,
the pregnancy test is for me.

I don't know how it happened. I was
messing around with some married guy

in this nice neighborhood...

Where do you live again?

- Vista Heights.
- Vista Heights.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that was it.

And the strangest thing, there was a
picture of some chick, looked just like...

you.

No, wait, um, maybe it was you.

Hmm. Oh, well. Wish me luck.

- Yeah, good luck.
- Good luck.

- Thank you for that.
- My pleasure.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I missed you so much.

Being apart from
you made me realize

I don't care if you're
not ready to get married.

I just want to be with you.

Everything else can wait.

I hate being away from you.

Me, too.

It's awful out there.
Dating is a nightmare.

Dating? You were dating?

Yeah, I told you that.

You said one date.

I don't think so.

So what do you want to do to celebrate?
Should we go out to dinner?

Sure. Anything.

So, how many dates?

Like, two?

Well, two and a
three-day weekend.

Which I guess is five.

Or three,
if you count the weekend as one.

There was a weekend?

Well, it turned into a weekend.

Sweetie, it doesn't matter.

I'm here, with you, right now.

You're right.

That's all that matters.

Oh, my God, Ron,
we're back together.

What?!

I'm going to get
some champagne.

Ron?

Okay, Richard.
We've got to talk.

Now, I have
something to tell you

and you're probably going to freak
out but I just want you to listen

before you say anything
because this is huge.

Who's Ron?

Okay, so, this morning,
I was feeling a little weird,

- I went to the drug store...
- Oh, look who it is.

Richard.

- What?
- You called me Ron.

I don't think so.

Hi, Christine.

Hi.

Wha... uh, what,
what is she doing here?

We're back together.

Isn't it great?

I just couldn't handle
being out there again.

Some guy trying to impress you.

"Here's my giant house."
"Here's my fancy car."

"We're already in Nevada,
we might as well make it a weekend."

We're together now, though.

So... what's the big news?

It's... nothing, really.

Come on,
you said you had huge news.

No, it's, it's no big deal,
it's just...

Yeah, maybe a little.

What? No, no.

Pay attention. You and me...

Well, I'm flattered,
but I told you we're back together.

Christine, would you
like some champagne?

No, I can't.

Even though I love champagne.

And I'm not on
antibiotics right now.

I can't.

Oh, g...
I'm getting out of here.

What was that all about?

Christine feels fat.

Yeah, maybe a little.

Oh, my boobs are
about to explode.

And... good day to you.

Matthew, did you open
this pregnancy test?

One of the sticks is missing.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I wanted to try it.

Oh, and by the way,
you don't use it like a thermometer.

All right, listen,
Matthew, you know,

I am going through
kind of a thing here,

and I could really
use a little support.

I'm sorry;
I'm sure it'll be fine.

You might not even be pregnant.

Yeah, well, I better be pregnant,
'cause I just felt something kick.

I'll go boil the water
and get some hot rags.

- Hey.
- Oh, Daniel.

I hope it's okay that
I just dropped by.

Can I come in?

Oh, yeah, sure, come on in.

Sorry, uh,
this place is kind of a mess.

If I'd known you were coming
I probably would have...

moved.

So listen,
I got some good news.

Oh, great,
I could use some good news.

I got a job offer
at another school.

Which means I won't be your
son's teacher anymore.

Which means,
if you're still interested,

I would love to
go out with you.

Oh, come on!

So, great news, huh?
You and I can finally go out.

And I was thinking for our first date,
we can go to this Italian place I know.

And I know you like pizza, 'cause
I saw some on your floor over there.

So what do you think about us?

Uh, I'm not really sure
what I'm doing right now,

so can I get back to you?

Oh, okay.

Can I ask,
is there someone else?

That's the question
we're all asking.

Okay. I feel like an idiot.

I came over here assuming you felt the
same way about me as I feel about you.

But obviously,
something's changed.

I've just had a really bad day

that could turn into
several really bad years...

...and I just need a little bit
of time to figure things out.

Can you give me a little time?

- Sure.
- Okay. Yeah.

Great. Well,
I'll call you tomorrow.

Or in, uh, 18 years.

Are you believing this?

I mean,
my timing could not be worse.

I am days away
from giving birth,

and the man of my
dreams comes over

and practically
throws himself at me.

You know,
no one ever talks about it,

but I guess there is a downside
to having unprotected sex.

Barb, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I've been waiting
all year to be with him,

and being pregnant isn't
exactly a turn-on for most guys.

Oh. Hey, wait.
What if I sleep with Daniel real fast

and then I tell him
that the baby is his?!

Really? You... You can't think of
a single problem with that plan?

Are you wearing your
pregnancy jeans?

I actually never
stopped wearing them.

You're pregnant?!

You just figured that out?

You're terrible at charades.

I am great at charades.
Shakespeare. Musical.

Proper name. I think you got me
pregnant, you irresponsible goon.

Hey, it's not all my fault.
You were right there with me.

Actually, I was about
ten minutes behind you.

That's nice,
mother of my children.

- Yeah, you know what?
- Guys, guys.

We don't even know if
she's pregnant yet.

Let's just take the test,
and we'll figure it out from there.

You haven't even
taken the test yet?

What are you doing to me?!

I can't take it yet,
Richard, okay?

I have to wait for my
first morning's urine.

But I know my body, all right?
I had two Reubens today.

What does that tell you?

- You're a pig.
- Oh, nice.

Real nice,
father of my children.

I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm not mad at you.

I just can't believe this.

New Christine and I
just got back together.

If you're pregnant, she's probably
gonna find out we slept together.

Yeah, well, if I can't convince
Daniel that this baby is his,

I have no shot with him!

You two shouldn't be
allowed to have children.

I can't believe I traded a meaningful
relationship with someone I love

for 20 minutes of
dirty fun with you.

Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?

I traded it for 10
minutes of dirty fun.

So we can't find out
until tomorrow morning?

What are we gonna
do until then?

I don't know.
Something mindless.

Something that'll distract us.

Hey! Stop that!

You get off her!

See? This is good.
We're out of the house.

We can think about
something else.

So, the first
morning's urine...

is that after midnight or do
you have to wait until morning?

I don't know.
I think the sun has to be up.

That doesn't make any sense.
What if you work a night job?

All right, I don't know, Richard, okay?
I don't make the rules!

- Well, I just...
- Guys, guys.

We said we weren't
gonna talk about it.

- Okay, sorry.
- Sorry.

Hey.

I found that cat
I thought I lost.

It was under the bed.

Not my bed, the guest bed.

It's the only room with carpet.

Cats love carpet.

And milk.

What else do cats like?
Let's go around the table.

Oh, I can't believe
I might be pregnant!

Yeah, we're so stupid!

Oh, God,
I thought I was done with this.

Now I got to worry about 3:00 a.m.
feedings and changing diapers.

We finally had our lives separate,
in a good way.

Then we go and screw it up.

- We screw everything up.
- I know. We are such screwups.

Why does this keep
happening to us?

Hey, what the hell is
wrong with you two?

So you might be having another kid.
Big deal.

Making babies is the only
thing that you two do well.

Now, let's focus and come up
with some things that cats like.

Christine, you all
right up there?

Stop talking to me. I can't go
when people are talking to me.

Or listening to me.

We're not.

You're talking to me!

Shut up and pee.

This is torture.

Just calm down.
You'll know in a minute.

Actually, I kind of hope Christine
has a baby. I think it might be fun.

That's easy for you to say;
you don't have to live here.

All the late nights,
crying and screaming--

the baby's only gonna
make that worse.

Okay, I did it.

And it's only wet because
I washed my hands.

Is that true?

No.

- So what is it?
- I don't know. I haven't looked yet.

But, listen,

no matter what happens,
we're gonna be fine, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, we did it before,
we can do it again.

We're just a little older.

Yeah. When the baby graduates
high school, we'll be...

Dead.

Just trying to
lighten the mood.

Come on, come on, look.

Okay, here goes.

I'm pregnant.

Wow. Okay.

- We're gonna be parents again.
- Yeah.

- Good.
- Good.

This is good.

Yeah, we'll co-parent
from different houses.

It worked with Ritchie,
it'll work for the twins.

No... I know my body.
It's twins.

This is gonna be great.

- Wait, there's only one line.
- Yeah, pregnant.

Well, when I took it,
I got one line, too.

So, I mean,
either we're both pregnant...

or you're wrong.

Wait a minute.

One line...
oh, "not pregnant." I'm not pregnant!

- Oh, thank God!
- Thank God! Oh, my God!

I mean, it would've been okay
either way, but... Oh, thank God!

Oh, wow!
I guess I just had really bad PMS.

- Really bad.
- Historically bad.

- I've never seen it that bad.
- All right.

All right, you know what?
Get out. You're all bugging me.

I'm gonna go over
to New Christine's,

but first, I'm gonna stop
and buy some condoms.

Eh, she's probably
on something.

Oh, I got to go, too.

Where? It's 7:00
in the morning.

There's something I have to do.

So, after we added a room
onto the guest house,

we realized it was bigger
than our main house.

So now we're just moving
into the guest house.

What are you gonna do
with the main house?

You mean the house in Maine?

I didn't know you
had a house in Maine.

Well, I don't tell
you everything.

Ah, look what the
cat dragged in.

If my cat dragged that in,
I'd put them both to sleep.

Screw... you.

Morning.

Mrs. Campbell.
What are you doing here?

Well, um...
I've been thinking about our date.

In fact, it's all I've been thinking
about for the last six months.

And if you still want
to go out with me, I would...

I would very much like
to go out with you.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

How 'bout that?

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah. Really good.

Should we ask them
what they thought?

So, um, Mr. Harris, you just,

you let me know what you
would like to do then.

And, um... everyone...
you have a super summer.

Yeah.

Can't... get out of here.